- Member Since 16th May, 2021
- offline last seen February 18th
Demirurg95
A guy who just enjoy writting and drawing
Demirurg95
Joined 16th May, 2021 ·
Offline
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I would really like to hear your opinions about this story. What i can change in my style and what mistakes i should avoid.
10851221
There’s an old saying that goes as such, “Show, don’t tell,” and I feel this is the most appropriate criticism to drill home for you to improve as an author. Reading through your story is somewhat comparable to an instruction manual as everything is said simply as matter of fact, lacking the comprehensive depth of feelings one could invoke. Your goal as an author should be to transport me into the very scenario itself, your words should merely guide my mind to envisage the scene and feel as though I’m a part of it instead of railroading me through a series of stale story states.
To continue on the point of railroading, your story also lacks the fluidity of reality immediately shattering any potential immersion. As it stands now your story is infested with moments where a sentence will begin describing a sensation and then the next sentence abandons it for something completely unrelated instead of building upon the feeling that was attempted: there’s no flow, only hard starts and stops.
When one wishes to switch a point, feeling, or perspective one typically uses paragraphing. Many of the paragraphs found in this story have been executed incorrectly: too much clumped in them or they’re not focused.
Miscellaneous details:
I would normally go into more details and give examples, but I am downing alcohol right now and am starting to lose it. I can go into more details in the future if you wish. My DM's are open if you wish to seek advice, but that's up to you and how sober I am.
Thank you very much for the criticism. I will make sure to avoid those stuff in the next story i write. Also i will make sure to PM you if there is something i want to ask. Again.. Thanks for the constructive criticism.
Thank you for your opinion. I know the story is not perfect so i am aways ready to hear what should i fix in my style of writting. So yeah.. Thanks for the criticism and I will make ssure to PM you even if it isn't just for advice
10851811
You're already doing better than 95% of new authors just by actually being open to feedback and constructive criticism
Nice story, loved the part when Big Mac and Rarity have sex lol
Super Trampoline thank you. I try to be open for constructive criticism becasue i know i am not doing so well, seeing how the english is not my first language. Also I am happy to know that you are willing to actually tell me what is the problem instead of just hating it and insulting me
10852248
I noticed you aren't using the reply button when replying to comments, so here's a bit of helpful advice: Click the >> symbol at the top right of a comment to reply to it. The only reason I noticed you had even responded was merely because I thought it prudent for me as a critic to check up on your follow up to my criticisms.
Since your account is relatively new I'll assume you're new to the site and not necessarily just using a new account.
10853290
Yes. I am new here. Also again i am very thankful for your help. Not everyday you meet with friendly people especially in places like those.
10853766
Yep, definitely. There are a lot of elitists out there with absurdly high expectations; don't pay them much heed if they aren't offering anything other than insults. There's definitely some people on this site that expect everyone that publishes content to be the next best thing since Shakespeare. Personally I just like to help nurture new authors until they blossom into something spectacular.
10853946
Which is highly appriciated. I am now working on another story, making sure to follow your advices.
10853948
Awesome! I can't wait to see what you conjure up!
If you need someone to proofread or edit your story I'm available to do it. There'd be no payment required: a good story is its own reward.
10853953
Sweet 😊😁. This time the story would be a bit longer, having more than one chapter. So yeah. Also if you want we can text on private.