Rainbow Dash is Best Pony

by Tirimsil

Ch. 1 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Pretty Much Normal

It was common, in Ponyville, for homes to reflect their owners.

Rarity's Carousel Boutique was colorful, if overdone, multi-layered, and even looked a bit like her face when seen from the front. On more than one occasion a visitor to town had turned and shrieked at the sight of it, mistaking it for the unforgettable white unicorn herself in some elaborate couture or another.

Fluttershy, meanwhile, hid herself away in a humble cottage of thatch and grass, with the closest neighbors being five minutes away, and with a winding path leading to her door such that any who followed it faithfully would alert the timid creature to their coming with ample time to prepare.

And in the dark of the night, in the skies over Ponyville, the gentle light of the moon silhouetted a small floating palace against the starlit sky. Though it looked carved from marble, it was entirely of cloud. It was majestic and elegant, expertly crafted with articulate detail, and even softly glowing rainbows spiraling all around and within; a statuesque estate of every color, held aloft and weightless on the breath of the gods, a stoic house of cards gracing the sky.

But, with the exception of its employment of rainbows, this home did not reflect its owner whatsoever.

Even the casual voyeur, peeking into the bedroom, may think the cyan pegasus with rainbow mane and tail laying sprawled across the queen-sized bed with her mouth open and her own drool all over her face, may have been some rude, visiting cousin.

"Snrrrrkk-huh?" Rainbow Dash mumbled and snorted as the sun abruptly leapt from the horizon, breaking through the stained-glass window and flooding her home with the cursed burn of daylight. Tossing and turning with her eyes squeezed shut, she pulled her spacious covers up over herself, a bundle of grey-purple.

She snored a few more times.

"... Mmfmffmf!" she spat and hacked, beginning to suffocate, and kicked the covers off, sputtering awake. "What the hay... Morning already?! I've barely slept a wink..!"

She leapt out of bed and seized her cloud-clock from the countertop.

A visitor might be shocked to see such arcane gadgets as the cloud-clock, only recognizable as a timekeeper by the movement of parts with each rhythmic tick. The wheel of pegasians, each at a different point in a wing-flapping motion, and the grey central disc which seemed to adjust in color and shape with each tick, would have been nonsense to an earth pony or a unicorn - or, perhaps, even to Fluttershy, as accustomed as she was to staying on the ground.

"If only the Princesses slept in now and again. Hm, chance of rain today..." Rainbow Dash did not have a reputation for her smarts. So, to these outsiders, it may be inconceivable that she readily understood this incomprehensible machine, and set the device back down on her bedside table. "Well," she yawned. "Better get ready and make sure Ponyville survives another day..."

She headed into her shower and pressed the button labelled "Pamper".

---

It was harvest season in Ponyville, which meant the plaza was packed with tents, crates, and cobbled-together shelves. Only the richest elite of Ponyville had refrigeration, and even then it was not portable - so both farmers and their hungry customers were eager to get their business done lest the product rot right there in the plaza. It was a bit hard to sell anything else for the first week or so.

Lyra strode through the market with a big smile on her face and one hoof on her rhinestone-encrusted designer purse. She had it hung around her neck, hanging off of one side, and was obliged to tilt over to her left between the weight of it and the fact she had one hoof off the ground at all times.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to wear that around..?" Bon Bon asked, tending her candy stall. "It's probably ten times more valuable than whatever you've got in it..."

"More valuable than my Equestrian ID and stable security number? Like, as if," Lyra rolled her eyes.

Bon Bon frowned, not finding that soothing. "That's not the point, Harpy," she teased, reaching out and papping her on the head. "What if somebody steals it?"

"Ow," Lyra objected. "In Ponyville?! We don't have thieves in Ponyville, Bonnie. Our population is like, 102, we're all friends here, right? Besides, it's on my neck. Who the heck is gonna take it right off of my neck?"

A small someone in a green cloak leapt from the bushes and snatched Lyra's purse, effortlessly undoing the clasp to remove it from around her neck.

"Aaah! My neck! Help, like, thieeeef!" Lyra whined, stamping her hooves. "I didn't know we had thieves in Ponyville, I thought that was like the one problem we didn't have!"

Rarity, whipping her head around from examining produce, immediately dropped all of her bags and began to run after the thief. She charged her horn and fired a few blasts.

"Ow!" The someone said as Rarity's rather pathetic magic bounced off like rubber.

"Oh bother," Rarity tutted, her face red. "Eyaagh!" she screamed as something sped by her, spinning her like a top.

With a loud WHUMP and someone's high-pitched yelp, Rainbow Dash collided with the thief at about half the speed of sound. She opened her wings to attempt to air brake.

She did not air brake. Uh-oh, she thought quickly, looking up at the rapidly approaching front door of Sugarcube Corner. This happens every time. She instinctively threw the thief to the side. As said thief had already let go of the purse, stealer and stealée flew off at odd angles.

And CRASH! Rainbow Dash went right through the front door of Sugarcube Corner, rolled across the floor, and bowled right into Pinkie Pie, who shrieked like a banshee. The two of them fell into a heap at the foot of the stairs to the second floor as bits of door gradually stopped rattling and wobbling like dropped bits.

"Good morning, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie moaned.

"Hey Pinkster," Dash offered. "Havin' any problems with thieves lately?"

Mr. and Mrs. Cake appeared at the top of the stairs with pale faces. "Oh! It's only Rainbow Dash..." They sighed and relaxed at the sight of them sprawled out on the floor.

"We've had some breaking and entering..." Pinkie jabbed.

"Really?!" Dash asked brightly, hoping for some exciting news.

There was a pause.

"Oh," she realized in a lower tone as Pinkie didn't make a joke during the silence. "You mean me."

"Yeah." Pinkie returned with a very sharp edge.

There was a chorus of cheers from outside. "Yay, Rainbow Dash!"

"Guess I caught her," Dash blinked, untangling herself from Pinkie and getting up. She stretched her legs and wings out to confirm she wasn't injured. "You okay, Pinkie?"

Pinkie got up elegantly and looked her right in the eyes with a pout. Ticked off, but unharmed. Good enough for Rainbow Dash.

"Rainbow Dash!!" the cheers continued.

"You're a great landing pad, Ponk," Dash said, ruffling her hair. Pinkie was darn near indestructible. Receiving a growl in response, Dash stepped back, stumbling over a fourth of a door. "E-eh heh..." she glanced down at the wreckage. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." With one flap of her wings she deftly lept back out of the door and over all of the debris.

Lyra was nuzzling and kissing her purse, saying something with exaggerated fish lips, as Bon Bon gave them both a look of pure disgust.

... and the Postmaster, her eyes unfocused and her pout very stoic, was holding a green-cloaked, red-faced Scootaloo by the scruff of the neck. "Lookie whos it is," she announced, then blinked and looked back down at her charge. "Uh... Whos is it again?"

"... H-hey Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo warbled.

"Scootaloo?!" Dash exclaimed, unbelieving. "You stole Lyra's purse?"

Scootaloo fidgeted for a moment. "... It looked cool..." she eventually offered.

"I look pretty cool!" Dash took the opportunity to boast, a hoof to her chest and her wings stretched out. "You wouldn't steal me, would you?"

Scootaloo blinked at her in her full radiance, grimaced, and looked away, clicking her hooves together. "Mmmm," she answered.

"I'm very disappointed in you!" Dash huffed. "I am hereby suspending you from the Rainbow Dash Fan Club until further notice."

"What!!" Scootaloo barked. "B-b-b-but I'm the president of the Rainbow Dash Fan Club!"

"A dark day for my adoring legions," Dash insisted, tossing her mane with her nose high and eyes closed. "It's either that or..." she looked down with darkened brows. "... I come with you to talk to your parents."

Scootaloo's eyes went wide. "N-no!" She meeped. "I, I'll take the suspension! Throw the book at me, send me to Tartarus!"

"Whoa, whoa, relax..." Dash spoke more gently, holding up a hoof. "Look, don't do this again, okay?" she scowled, setting her hoof back down. "... I'm honestly shocked."

Scootaloo looked down with a burning red face and wet eyes.

"And I'm glad you're okay," Dash added, giving her a hug. "I could've hurt you super bad."

"I'll deserve the aching back in the morning," Scootaloo moped, sniffling.

Rainbow Dash cradled her for a second before sighing and flittering back towards the market. "... Good thing about all this hubbub... everyone's too distracted to buy all the bananas before I get there..."

"Where is she? Rainbow Daaaash? Rainbow Dash! Come here this instant!" Rarity called, stumbling around with an afro-like fluff of purple hair completely encasing her head.

Comments

[Herald of Opera]

Rainbow Dash is three things:

1. The fastest pony in Equestria.
2. Not always great at being the Element of Loyalty.
3. Not as hot as Applejack.
4. Bad at counting.

This sort of gag will never stop being hilarious. Bonus points for Disney Hercules, where Phil really did only use two words because he's theoretically speaking ancient Greek. (That they did this joke in the same movie as mixing the Roman name for Heracles with the Greek name for Pluton surely says something, but damned if I know what)

[Uknikorn]

This was nice to read, and I like that cover image

[Dashie04]

I see nothing wrong with the title of this story.

On a more serious note, it’s quite funny so far, interesting to see what’ll happen later.

[SnowOriole]

Loved your hook and love your writing style. Can't wait to see more.