Rainbow Dash is Best Pony

by Tirimsil

Ch. 3 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Becomes More Literate Than She Was Yesterday

The sun beamed gently through Twilight Sparkle's window, illuminating the dark swirls in the grain of the floor, making them seem to dance.

On two pillows - blue and green, respectively - sat Twilight and Fluttershy, quietly reading two copies of the same novel. A third copy, closed around a bookmark, lay at an odd angle on the floor, next to a squished red pillow, whose once-occupant, at present, would again be present presently.

Perhaps they intended to share their thoughts on the story with one another, or else saw nothing better to do on a calm day with gentle cloud coverage and nothing exciting happening. Whatever the case, they made not a sound for now, smiling at the hiss of the wind and the distant babble of townsfolk.

... whhhooooOOOOOOSH SMACK.

"Oh dear," Fluttershy worried, without moving her eyes from her copy of the novel.

Twilight looked up from her third reading of the chapter and pouted. "Rainbow Dash? Is that you?" She called to the window.

Rainbow Dash crawled up into the window from the spot just below she had smacked into. "Ugh," she wheezed. "Every time I'm in the hospital I get rusty bad."

"That and the atrophy," Twilight reminded her. "You're probably not at 100% lift power yet. I don't think crashing into my walls is a good way to recover from a hospital stay, y'know."

Applejack cantered back into the room. "I thought I heard a familiar friend," she grimaced, then lay back upon the red pillow and picked her book back up, awkwardly opening it and clucking as the bookmark slid right out. "Son of a... Shoot, I lost m' page... You doin' okay, Dash?"

"Peachy." Dash deadpanned. She pulled herself through the window and fell facefirst onto the floor with a yelp, scrambling up and dusting herself off. "Oh how I've pined for Twilight's window frame. I was wondering where everyone is today... I couldn't find you girls anywhere."

"Hm, well, Rarity's cooped up in one of her strange moods," Twilight rolled her eyes, "And I think Pinkie's with her family for a few days?"

Applejack nodded. "She invited me ta come with, maybe-cousins 'n' all, but I... uh..." She coughed and adjusted her hat. "I tole her work didn't permit." She winced and changed her position on the pillow.

Applejack had a way of lying with the truth. She certainly seemed quite careful not to put much weight on her backside, and the Pies' furniture were solid rock, so her true reason for declining was quite clear. And that was, indeed, a consequence of work - simply work done before, not after.

"Soooo..." Rainbow Dash tilted her head. "Are you all just... sitting around... reading?"

"Reading's a wonderful pastime, Rainbow Dash, you're a reader yourself," Twilight giggled. "It's not often we get a quiet day with no dire threats to Equestria. Right?"

"True," Dash admitted. "I guess that's a good time to be an egghead. Readin' anything cool? How's..." She craned her neck, and Twilight held up her book cover with a grimace for Dash to read. "... The Paramount And Not Unboring Life & Times of Filly-Sue-All's-well?" Rainbow Dash wrinkled her nose at the very title.

The girls glanced at their copies critically, most of them pouting.

"These words is too big," Applejack remonstrated. "Any of y'all know what 'vociferous' means?"

"It means someone has really strong feelings about something and can't shut up about it," Twilight said helpfully, snootily, and nerdily. "And these words are too many, it's a bit of a cop-out to use adverbs to slam emotion onto generic verbs like 'said'. Not to mention..." the callipygian eggplant unicorn added, "... all the epithets, many of which are awkward or just plain ridiculous to read. The characters have names, just use 'em!"

"In addition to the afore-mentioned critiques, this story suffers from meandering plotlines, inconsistent symbolism, and an unclear takeaway obscured by the distraction of its morally outrageous content," Fluttershy condemned with enough venom to poison all the babies in Equestria. Her wings twitched as though prepared to mug the nearest old lady.

The other two looked at her and blinked.

"Ain't wrong?" Applejack concurred. "I think?"

"I'm surprised it passed by the editor," Twilight commented. "Things like... that... never happen to female characters in modern literature, especially fillies and the elderly."

"Editor? What's an editor?" Rainbow Dash asked, tilting her head.

"What do you mean?" Twilight furrowed her brows. "They edit your writing for you, of course."

"... Uh, why?"

"Why?" Twilight repeated, blinking incredulously. "Well, I mean..." She looked at the ceiling as though it might provide her the means to explain.

"Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy cooed, setting her book down, "You have a lot of creative ideas, right..?"

"Yeah," Dash ventured, leaning back and looking at her sidelong in wariness.

"But..." Fluttershy paused, her eyes darting around in thought before she looked back at her and continued. "You're not very concerned with... grammar, and spelling, and, um, basic decency. Right?" She lowered her head to look less judgmental.

"Nerd stuff," Rainbow Dash dismissed with a smirk and a flippant wave of a wing, then scowled. "What was that last one?"

"So you can write your story and send it to, saaaay, Twilight," Fluttershy gestured to the purple smarty with a wing, who blinked and drew herself up, "She, um... has not had the best luck with creative writing..." Fluttershy continued, and Twilight immediately deflated, "... but she'll touch up your grammar for you! She'll fix spelling errors and suggest changes in how you say things. Maybe even help you make metaphors!"

"Metawhats?"

"See?" Fluttershy beamed. "That's why you need an editor."

"Yeah," Applejack concurred, "Ya give yer editor th' bones 'n' meat-a-yer story, 'n' she makes it all purdy." She scowled at her book, holding it at leg's-length. "Hopefully purdier than this high-falutin' heap o' aristocracy..."

"Oh!" Rainbow Dash perked up, understanding. "You mean like how I might give Rarity my bones and meat and she'll put clothes on 'em?!"

Three ponies gaped at her, appalled.

"Yep," Applejack finally said, "Yep, that's a way ta say it."

"Twilight!" Rainbow Dash barked. "You're my editor now!"

"Huh?" Twilight honked, but Rainbow Dash was already gone back out the window, with nothing but a brief high wind knocking Twilight's jars and paintings off the tables and walls as evidence she'd ever been there.

"Shoulda submitted her to an editor when she were written," Applejack critiqued, then looked down at her now-bookmark-less book. "Aw dangit, I lost m' place aginn!!"

---

"Mail, Twilight." Spike yawned, stumbling into the room with a huge package carried over his head with both hands. "Something big came in today." He slammed it onto the coffee table, making Twilight's mug jump up and rattle. "I'll be with Rarity if ya need me..." He lurched off. "Definitely a strange mood, alright..."

"Come back safe, Spike..." Twilight mumbled after him, then stared at the package in confusion. "What in the world..? It's massive." She shuffled around it in circles, peering at it as if expecting Pinkie Pie to leap out and assault her. That's what she said, suddenly came into her mind, and she pouted. Shut up sleepy-morning-brain, I'm not Rainbow Dash. Nor am I Filly-Sue-All's-well.

The gears in her sleepy-morning-brain turned and she scowled, her face scrunching up hideously. "She didn't really..."

She magically opened the package, seized the top paper from a thick manuscript, sighed as her eyes glossed over the title, and began to read.

RAINBOW SMART
and plumm piddant
ruff draft
v0.01 awesome alpacka

it was a dark and stormy knight. rosen magniffisense rose from her big bed thing with a tappestrees. her purple but not that purple hair was bounced alot. she fluttershys her lashes and the sapphic orbs of her head glimers in the moon light.

i think i will be fabulous today tonight she thought at her self. but before i am do that i got a small wine. she stroad prettyly to her booze box and with her magic mind opening.

the box. a ha!

ye lls a strange man in side. he sticked out his hoofs out and the scissors in his hoofs rarity is scared. oh noooooooooooo

and then she is stabbed 39 times which is very sad and tragic that her blood which seemed blue thanks of moon light and because she is kindof spoyelled glowes deadly in the moon light.

anyway morning acomes and rainbow smarsh is there. "this is a murder" says her puffs her pipe. "very smart" says plum puding. "who ask you" raibnow smack her on her egg head.

---

Rainbow Dash skipped lightly to the castle, then paused before knocking with a curious pout. "... The heck is that noise..." she wondered aloud. It sounded like a witch cackling in the distance. Like an earth pony witch, from the olden days, who rode brooms and cursed fields.

She knocked at the doors and got no response. "Twilight?" She called. The cackling suddenly stopped. "Twilight, are you okay? ... I'm comin' in," she warned, and opened the door.

Silence.

"Spike? Anyone? This is really creepy," she called, slowly flying up the stairs.

Slowly flying through the upper halls.

Slowly checking all the doors because she forgot which ones went where.

Finally, she opened a door and saw Twilight seated at her coffee table with her face smack against it. Not moving a muscle. Her coffee was full, and still steaming.

"Whoa!!" Rainbow Dash yelled. "Twilight! Are you okay? Did that cackling demon get you?!" She zoomed to her side and gently touched her, checking for wounds and a pulse.

Twilight suddenly leapt up, bursting into mad laughter, falling out of her chair and onto the floor. Her coffee mug spun and rattled, but settled back in place without spilling.

"WAAH!" Rainbow Dash squeaked, leaping back. "... W-w-what's wrong?! Did someone get you with laughing gas?!"

"Do you even know what 'sapphic' means?!" Twilight wheezed between chortles. A dictionary floated off of a nearby shelf and opened itself to the correct page in front of Rainbow Dash's eyes.

"... sapphic, adjective, one..." Rainbow Dash muttered, reading to herself. Her eyes widened and her face reddened. "... That's not the same as sapphire at all!"

"WAAAAAA-HAHAHA..!!" Twilight shrieked like an angry goose, smacking the floor and unleashing those horrid witch-cackles.

"... It's not funny, Twilight..." Rainbow Dash scowled. "I put a lot of effort into that story!!"

"I-I'll match you t-trying to edit it..! PFFFFT... Y-you even called the victim Rarity..."

"I did?! When?!"

"L-like every time after the first time," Twilight hacked and coughed, "O-oh help me I can't breathe."

Comments

[ZeroMonkey]

"... sapphic, adjective, one..." Rainbow Dash muttered, reading to herself. Her eyes widened and her face reddened. "... That's not the same as sapphire at all !"

What's so embarrassing about something being 'of, relating to, or consisting of a 4-line strophe made up of chiefly trochaic and dactylic feet'?

This story is a hoot. I can't wait for more.

[Frost Spark]

Every chapter is always super entertaining, keep it up!

[Dashie04]

Twilight said helpfully, snootily, and nerdily. "And these words are too many, it's a bit of a cop-out to use adverbs to slam emotion onto generic verbs like 'said'. Not to mention..." the callipygian eggplant unicorn added, "... all the epithets, many of which are awkward or just plain ridiculous to read. The characters have names, just use 'em!"

Okay, that’s a fantastic meta joke.

[vectorVll]

"L-like every time after the first time," Twilight hacked and coughed, "O-oh help me I can't breathe."

Rainbow chose violence. Sending Twilight this manuscript.

[Foxtrot-Mayflower]

[T]he callipygian eggplant unicorn added

Of course the only long word Dash would use to describe someone would be a “good butt” word.