Rainbow Dash is Best Pony

by Tirimsil

Ch. 4 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Keeps Her Word

"MmMmMmM-AAaAaAaahHhHh-tHaT-FeeeEeLs-GoOoOoOOd," Dash warbled over the patapatapat of her massage. Nothing helped you in the last stages of getting over a hospital stay quite like getting the crud beat out of you at the spa as soon as you were well enough for it not to put you right back in there. The steam, too - she needed the heat to stretch out her muscles so she could exercise and undo the atrophy.

She was about to fall asleep from the bliss of Lotus's well-practiced smackery and the soothing, if off-key whatever she was singing to herself when her ears lifted at the sound of a distant commotion, muffled through the walls. "What the heck," she mumbled. "What's that noise?"

"Ooooh many dears," Lotus trilled, her brow furrowed. "It is being very loud indeed if we are hearing it, from all the way inside thees spa."

"Maybe I should check it out..." Dash worried.

"But you will be interrupting your pampered muscle massage --"

"Don't worry about it," Dash assured her, and stood up, stretching. Her eyes widened and then she put on a very inappropriate face at the feeling of immense looseness all around her body. "Geez, how'd you get so good at that..~?"

Lotus smiled bashfully. "You will not be believing me if I am telling you."

"Mm," Dash shook her head to return to reality. "If I'm not back in time for the indulgent hooficure, keep the bits," Dash said, and cantered out with a firm pout.

---

Dash gasped as soon as she was out the door. There was a crowd in the marketplace, surrounding two ponies she didn't want to see in the same spot again. Well, them and two others she didn't mind so much.

The Postmaster once again had Scootaloo by the neck, though in addition the filly was seated. She was glancing with wide eyes at the crowd all around her, alternating between that and the jewelled necklace in her hooves. Right next to her were Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle, stumbling back to their hooves.

"Scootaloo..!" Dash cried as though the filly had stabbed her.

"W-w-wait!" Scootaloo stammered. "I didn't, this isn't, this isn't what it looks like, Rainbow Dash!"

"It looks like yous gots one of the Mayor's blingy neck thingies," the Postmaster scolded. "Diddinn think she was that kinda mare." She pouted, her eyes boggling.

"Ya broke inta Town Hall 'n' got that!? Just now?! How'd you do that?! That's amazin'," Apple Bloom praised, then paled, grimaced, and tried again with an angry face. "Uh, bad Scootaloo! Go directly ta jail!"

"We don't want Scoots in jail, Apple Bloom," Sweetie Belle scoffed. "She'll become a butch biker mare!"

"Well she's already a butch scooter filly," Bloom reminded her. "That's at least halfway thurr!"

Rainbow Dash stomped up to Scootaloo and held out a hoof. Scootaloo blinked, then wordlessly gave her the necklace, looking around in a confused, nervous sweat.

"Postmaster, can you bring this back to the Mayor?" Dash asked, giving it to her in turn. The ditzy mare nodded with a beaming smile, put it in her mouth, and flew off unsteadily.

"I'm gonna take Scoots where she needs to be," Dash sighed. Scootaloo paled and started breathing hard with a hoof to her chest.

"Yer really takin' her ta jail?!" Bloom cried.

"Or at least the tattoo parlor where she can get her mom's name in a heart with a sick snake wrapped around it put on her foreleg?!" Sweetie added.

"What? No!" Dash scoffed. "I'm takin' her home. To her parents. We're gonna have a talk."

"And not the Australian ones," Pinkie hastened to add, "Yes, it's me, I'm back from the family visit, thanks for asking. But that was a stuuuuupid episode. Nope nope, these are the same ones from that not-a-murder story we're not done writing yet even though that might be a Reverie Equestria story and this one probably isn't but who the heck is even keeping track after all these years! Oh nooo! Scootaloo's gonna be so embarrassed! At least twice, maybe more times!"

"Just kill me," Scootaloo offered as an alternative, and fainted.

"Not a murder," Pinkie repeated.

---

Rainbow Dash blinked, her mind completely blank, and glanced around the huge table she was sitting at. The stained glass windows in the spotless white walls. The old maid currently dusting her mane. How did she get here again? She was taking Scootaloo home, right? Scootaloo. The punk who everyone thought was an orphan. The only Cutie Mark Crusader who said things that don't go on TV. Things like "Luna's beard" and "hornlicker". Right?

"Miss Dash," the stately mare at the head of the table crooned, her chin raised. "I am well aware of the frequent infractions and occasional misdemeanors of my errant daughter Alfreda."

Alfreda. Dash blinked again. Alfreda. Like... chicken alfreda? Was that what it was called? It'd been ages since Gilda dared her to eat griffon food...

Suddenly the gears in Dash's head spun. She knew exactly what was going on with Scootaloo's name. Well, maybe. She'd have to ask her about it. Hopefully she wouldn't be too mad.

Scootamom sniffed haughtily - she put Rarity's posh to shame. At least Rarity was cute and dumb-looking. "I suspect she is corrupted by those rancid minstrel shows on that.. 'thaumbox' of hers."

Rainbow Dash had grown up in Cloudsdale and come to Ponyville at a young age. She thought she'd seen all sorts of pegasians. But she'd never met a pegasus who pretended to be a unicorn except for the magic, like Bernadette Lucchese. That's right, not only did this crazy hag refuse to ever touch a cloud, but she didn't even use a regular pony name. Like Princess Celestia or Princess Luna, some ponies took... weird names. Unlike either Princess, those folks thought they were too good for normal names. Imagine being more arrogant than a sky-goddess!

She didn't even realize that, if Dash was gonna have a name like that... well, her entire family was Rainbow-something, so she'd be Miss Rainbow... come to think of it, a mare like her might have found that "puerile" and willfully changed it to Miss Dash. Whatever was going on in that withered old pompous head of hers, Rainbow Dash did not terribly care for her, and had a suspicion the feeling was mutual.

"Do you know, Miss Dash," the lady whispered loudly, "Alfreda wants to be, among countless other simultaneous ventures, something called a 'wrangler' when she grows up?"

"A what?" Dash blinked.

"Indeed, I did not know what it meant myself at first, I thought to wash her mouth out," Bernadette scoffed. Rainbow Dash had never heard someone scoff like they were actually trying to get phlegm out of their throat before. "Apparently she wishes to travel to some foreign land and engage in vulgar hoofticuffs with exotic beasts!"

"Is... that sorta thing on the TB?" Dash was intentionally being vague. As a filly, she recalled loving a show in which a stallion with a distinct accent and a very practical vest leapt on the backs of alligators and talked about how beautiful they were while evading certain death. He had been utterly insane and Dash had been totally into it. Sadly, he had passed away a while back after one too many risky meetings with potentially deadly animals.

Mrs. Lucchese bristled at the abbreviation. "What isn't? All manner of profane images grace the surface of that devil's machine! It is a heinous contrivance, wouldn't you agree?"

"But Princess Luna loves the thaumbox," Dash said in the least edge she could muster. Indeed, once she had returned, Princess Luna was at first terrified of "Tia's pet ghost", as the staff willfully encouraged her to believe it was, but once she understood what was going on, was quickly enthralled.

"Indeed..." Mrs. Lucchese implicated. She tightened her stupid pout, likely not daring to directly speak ill of the Night Princess. She had been Nightmare Moon, and Dash recognized that some of the nobility didn't really trust her. It isn't like they respected Princess Celestia, who suffered no such stigma...

"Uh, I hate to be abrupt," Dash lied, she loved to be abrupt, "But can I head up and talk with Sc... uh, with Alfreda?"

"If you can reach my daughter, by all means, convince her to be a proper Lucchese," came the regal answer, without even looking at her. "You are excused, Miss Dash."

Dash pushed her chair back, stood up, gave a courteous bow, and... flew over the table. She smiled at the sound of the indignant nose-sigh behind her as she landed and trotted up the stairs.

She wasn't ever going to ask Scootaloo to be more like that piece of work.

---

"B-b-but I didn't steal it!!" Scootaloo stamped. Or, should we say, Alfreda. Rainbow Dash didn't know when she got her hair done in braids and who stuffed her into this sapphic... er, sapphire blue-and-gold bodice in the meantime, with the poofy round shoulders and the swirling layered skirt like she was waiting for a knight to save her from a dragon, but she had to admit, she was completely precious.

She frowned. She looks kinda like Smolder... she realized. Especially with the dress... Is Scootaloo Smolder? Had she ever seen both of them in the same place?? She blinked the conspiracy theory out of her head. Scootamom would flip if her daughter was a dragon anyway, best to leave it be.

"I dunno, Scoots, you definitely stole Lyra's purse..." Dash reminded her.

"Yeah but I was gonna give that back!"

"... What?" Dash doubted in a deadpan.

"What was I gonna do with it?!" Scootaloo threw up her hooves. "It woulda been recognized if I took it anywhere, and it's not like Ponyville has a black market! I was practicing. I'm the rogue in our party!"

"The... the rogue?" Rainbow Dash blinked.

"Yes! Like how Bloom's the warrior and Sweetie's the mage!" Scootaloo exhaled. "I was gonna give it back. And... then maybe steal it again and then give it back again... uh, many dozens of times..."

"Are you serious?" Rainbow Dash balked. "You expect me to believe that?! Why didn't you tell me that before?!"

"Would you have believed me then?!" Scootaloo reasoned.

"... Um," Dash rubbed her neck, "Nnno... I mean I don't really believe you now..."

"Of course not! It's a ridiculous reason! I'm a ridiculous filly in a ridiculous dress!" she stamped again.

"I think you're adorable," Dash offered sincerely. "Especially when you stamp like Sweetie Belle."

Scootaloo went red-faced and froze mid-stamp at once, setting her hooves back down awkwardly and looking away.

"Okay, look," Dash raised a hoof. "How do I know you didn't steal the Mayor's necklace 'for practice', then?"

"W-well, someone tossed it to me as they ran by," Scootaloo said. "Sweetie and Bloom were there! They saw it!"

"... They did?" Dash doubted. "Then why didn't they say anything?"

"They did!" Scootaloo grasped. "Remember what Apple Bloom said?! She asked how I pulled off the heist 'just now'!"

Dash thought that over. "You're right, she did. That was a strange thing for her to say..." she admitted. "She seemed pretty surprised... but then why didn't she defend you?"

"Because she's a dummyyy!" Scootaloo whined, quite forgetting that stamping was adorable and thus she preferred not to do it. "Sweetie and Bloom have an attention span of like negative six seconds! They just totally went along with the scene! If Sweetie fell through a tree onto a stage she'd pretend to be a bush in the play!"

Dash thought this over. Scootaloo's attention span wasn't much better. Also, something about what she saw when she came out wasn't quite right if Scootaloo was the culprit. After rubbing her chin for a few seconds, she relented. "Tell you what. I'll ask them straight-out."

"Please!" Scootaloo begged. "... A-and Rainbow Dash?"

"Yeah?"

"Please don't tell them about my family," Scootaloo mumbled, looking down red-faced.

"They don't know?"

"No!" she said like it was obvious. "They never asked to come over or questioned anything about me. Negative six seconds."

"Right... Listen," Dash said, going back to gentle. "You're still 'Scootaloo' to me."

Scootaloo fidgeted, but the corners of her mouth turned up a bit.

"You better not be lying to me," Dash warned, making the corners go back down. "But if you're telling the truth, I'll get to the bottom of it. And just between you and me, your mom's a pain in the butt."

"Thanks, Rainbow Dash... and yeah, she sucks..."

The two of them shared a quiet giggle.

"Oh, one last thing," Dash pouted. She blinked at the wall a few times as though it had offended her before continuing. "Is your nickname Scootaloo because you preferred being called Lucchese rather than Alfreda and that got shortened to Lu and that became Scooter Lu because you ride a scooter so much and eventually that got slurred to Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo paused to process the query. "Yeah," she finally answered. "Yeah, that's about right."

"Huh, that makes sense I guess. Anyway, stay outta trouble," Dash smiled, gently and sincerely. She gave her a hug. Then, to Scootaloo's delight, Rainbow Dash opened the window, saluted, and leapt out that way, rather than a way that was even remotely civilized.

Comments

[Tirimsil]

I literally have 90% of this story done and just haven't been publishing the chapters in case I have to go really far back to change something to agree with something I add in a later chapter.

But I'm pretty sure this one is good to go so here it is like months after I wrote most of it.