Rainbow Dash is Best Pony

by Tirimsil

Ch. 8 :: In Which Rainbow Dash Is Framed For Everything But Laziness

Rainbow Dash stretched and yawned like a kitty as the sun crept up through her window. "Mm, yeah, didn't suffocate myself this time," she praised herself.

She hadn't been following the sexy creep with the silver hair. He must've run out of loose hairs since he didn't leave a second trail. He said he was going to see his mother, who he thought was Luna. Dash was pretty sure that'd end with Luna eating him for lunch, and she had no leads, so whatever. With Twilight's help, she'd gotten Scootaloo off the hook, so she didn't care anymore. Still, just in case, Twilight had put out an APB on the guy.

Twilight had also gotten suspended from the library because of the mess the pretty boy made all over the History section, and was absolutely livid, saying that Dash should have made some effort, any effort to clean it up before leaving herself. Dash had just kind of gone pigeon-hooved at the accusation, what since Twilight was absolutely right and all.

Dash affectionately patted the signed copy of her own published book, L'Rainbow Savant (and Prune Pédante). She didn't know if those characters' names rhymed or not. She didn't know much, actually; she had a little trouble reading her own book after it went through a publisher and hadn't looked into it too indepth.

She hopped into the shower, choosing "Brisk" this time.

---

When she descended into Ponyville, everyone turned to look at her, then looked pointedly away with a hush. Huh, she tilted her head, but shrugged and gave it no mind.

She looked both ways and saw no Apple family members, so she skipped up to the produce stall and smiled brightly. "One bag of oranges, thanks."

Her smile faltered as the seller silently handed her the bags and patted her hoof with a sympathetic smile. She started to panic. Uh oh, she thought, Did somepony I know die?

"Hey, um," she started. "What's with the --"

"YOU!!" someone barked from behind her. Dash yelped and spun around, yelping again as she found herself nose-to-nose with Rarity, who for some reason was hiding herself underneath a massive cloak and shawl, like some kind of hunchback. She wasn't hidden per se, as the many layers of cloth obscuring almost her entire body were bordered with white lace and she had a purple ribbon tied around her waist, but if she wasn't so close, Dash would only see her little white nose sticking out.

"Are you still deaf," Rainbow Dash asked. She was rather loud.

"No," she scoffed more quietly. "And you have some nerve prancing around the market of Ponyville after what you've done, Rainbow Dash," Rarity growled, shoving past her. "A bag of oranges, please, and don't tell Applejack, she's in a foul enough mood." Again the seller smiled and nodded, passing her a bag gently and patting her hoof in "there there" motions.

"What're you talkin' about?" Dash whispered. She at least had the tact to realize Rarity didn't want to be seen.

"Don't play dumb with me," Rarity dramatized. "We all know you signed a copy to yourself. Who even does that? Why do you need your own signature? You must be very proud of that rot." She began to trot off in a huff.

Dash wilted, a bit hurt. "H-hey, I know I'm not a very good writer, but that's what Twilight and the publisher were there to help with..."

Rarity paused mid-trot, her nose wrinkling and pout deepening. "Do you mean to tell me that you don't know what's wrong with your novel?"

Dash looked around. The apologetic grimaces of her fellow Ponyvillagers were creeping her out. "Um... no?"

"Follow." Rarity commanded, and cantered off. Rainbow Dash walked with her head low, too self-conscious for the added height of flying.

---

Rainbow Dash's heart sank as they headed towards Sweet Apple Acres and she heard the distinct sound of Twilight ugly-crying in the bottom level of the barn.

Whenever the girls had a really serious personal issue that wasn't suitable for news headlines or children's TV show plotlines, they went to the barn. Or, as it was called in that scenario, The Barn, with a capital T and B.

Normally, The Barn was the first floor of the Apple family's house, which was - if you can believe it - literally a freaking barn. Applejack actually grew up in a barn. Go figure. However, that only worked if Applejack's family weren't there to eavesdrop. If they were, Applejack would re-appropriate somewhere else, and that'd be The Barn. Sometimes the middle of the orchard was The Barn. Sometimes a janitor's closet in a dark lord's castle was The Barn. Boy, was that an awkward time to have a girl talk.

Twilight's sobbing was a bit loud, so Rainbow Dash had a feeling the entire farm was The Barn and anyone outside of the circle who got close to the gate would be chased off with a stick so they wouldn't hear her.

Rainbow Dash wasn't known for being very smart. However, she was beginning to put the pieces together. It would have been a really good idea to read what the publisher sent back before I okayed it, she suddenly realized. Or... to have read it once ever, at all. She pouted, frustrated with herself. Good job, Rainbow Dunce.

Rarity gave a very complicated series of knocks to the barn door and waited patiently for about five seconds. Then she scowled rather less patiently and knocked again. Then she growled. "Applejack!" she commanded.

"Alright, alright, I fergot th' knock," Applejack sighed, opening the door. "Oh." Her eyes narrowed at the sight of Rainbow Dash, who looked away uncomfortably. "Why's she here."

"Why do you think?" Rarity chirped. "We can hardly be mad at her on the end of her tail, can we? I'm sure Twilight has a lot of choice words for --"

"YOU PLOTSTABBER!" Twilight wailed. "You jerk! Bully! Worst pony!"

"H-hey," Rainbow Dash stammered, rather overwhelmed. "Whatever's in that book can't be that bad."

"I was a scarlet mare," Rarity huffed. "Rose Magnificence my finest hat! As the story went on, she was revealed as more and more and more of a gold-digging heartbreaker! And she liked old dudes. Ugh!"

Applejack tugged at her hat and coughed. "Y-yeah, I never seen you date no ol' stallion!"

"What does your choice of objection imply?!" Rarity roared.

"'n' that second gal who died," Applejack continued on, "Golden Flanks I think ya called her, awful lot of focus on her hair... she were I think a dock worker... had a, um... a fine set of thighs..." Her face gradually reddened.

"Fluttershy won't even leave the home," Rarity pitied. "There are fifty photographers in her bushes, trying to catch any glimpse of that tail of hers! Fifty! I never have more than two outside of my shower window!!"

"You gave me bad grammar," Twilight bawled.

"Wut," Applejack asked.

"Prune Pédante?" Rarity blinked. "Bad grammar? I hadn't noticed..."

"She ended a sentence with a preposition! I've got half a mind to give you what's for!" She stopped crying for a moment. "Oh... wait a minute... Does that count? Or is that a set phrase? Uh, w-w-well you didn't have to talk so much about my butt!"

"Nor mine, please 'n' thank you..." Applejack blushed.

"I didn't -- What?" Rainbow Dash squeaked, blushing. "You looked over my rough draft, I never mentioned your -- I don't even remember having a second victim!"

There was an awkward pause.

"You're right, that wasn't in there," Twilight remembered, sniffling. "... but then why was it in the published version?!"

"Look, after we finished arguing over your revision, I took whatever the heck we had and I threw it at a publisher," Rainbow Dash testified. "Aaaaand I haven't read any of it since."

Twilight jumped out of the barn that was The Barn and grabbed Rainbow Dash by the shoulders, or maybe by the throat. "You didn't check the publisher's revision?"

"I -- bleech -- breathing --"

Twilight let go and stamped her hooves with heavy clouds of dust. "Rainbow Dash! Why in the world didn't you check your publisher's changes?!"

Rarity began sneezing and stepped away.

"I didn't know what an editor was a month ago, how the heck should I have known what a publisher did?!" Rainbow Dash rubbed at her throat with her feathers. "I thought they just... made it go!" She gestured "going" with her wings. "Go out! So ponies can read it!"

"You plumb stupid idjit!" Applejack cried. "How long I been tellin' you never to trust no big city fat cats? Long as ya known me?! 'n' here ya go, only time in yer life ya ever done did a deal with a big city fat cat, and ya just walk right inta their greedy mouth like a mouse after a divorce!"

"Speaking of which, how many divorces does one Miss Rose need?" Rarity sniffed, her nose high. "And it wasn't even any of her exes who snuffed her? I guarantee you any stallion who dares to leave me will want one of us dead or the other."

Rainbow Dash clicked her hooves together. "Did it suck, tho."

"What?" Rarity blinked.

"Was the book any good."

"... Well," she considered. "... it flowed elegantly, was rather rich in vocabulary, didn't dwell too long on any details irrelevant to the plotline..."

"It was fairly scientifically accurate for a normally very creative genre," Twilight admitted.

"Golden Flanks bit a nice big chunk outta th' the guy befer she bit th' dust," Applejack praised.

Rainbow Dash breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll go apologize to Fluttershy."

"Wait," they all said at once.

"What?"

Applejack grimaced. "We're fergettin' someone..."

---

Back in the skies over Ponyville, Rainbow Dash curled up on the path leading to her altitudinous front door. She'll get distracted and forget I'm here, she thought frantically.

"RAINBOW DAAAAAAASH!" came the banshee shriek from below. "You get down heresies right now before I find a reeeeeeeeeeeally questionable way to get up theresies and show you just how 'plump and matronly' Peachy Pastry is by SITTING ON YOUSIES!"

Rainbow Dash sighed. Maybe I should've self-published.