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Regal Charmer lives in Canterlot and could not be happier. Except for one thing, he doesn't have a cutie mark. After multiple attempts, you decide to go to Ponyville to try your luck. could a cutie mark be the only thing you find?

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Scribblestick

Scribblestick #1 · Sep 6th, 2012 · · ·

Review time!

1) While your grammar wasn't crippling, it still needs work. All proper nouns should be capitalized. Quotes should end with a comma, unless there's a question or exclamation mark. Brush up on your grammar and proofread to catch any mistakes. It will do wonders.

2) Your formatting is inconsistent. Some paragraphs aren't indented, and others are missing the extra space between them. It's not a huge thing, but it does distract from the story.

3) The name "Regal Charmer" reeks of Sue-ness. He doesn't come off as a Sue in the story (at least not yet), but his name along with the Romance and AJ tags send up red flags

4) A second person story has to connect with the audience more completely than a first or third person story, which is why so few writers do it. It's really hard. For example, based on the picture and my gender, I assumed Charmer was male, but the parents specifically say "filly," which is a female, which destroyed that connection for me.

That's all I have for now. Hope it helps!