The Adventures of Mane 7 MLP:FIM
Season 1
Episode 9
Bad News
“I win again.” Nemesis said smiling confidently.
Angel, the little bunny, crossed his arms refusing to accept defeat.
“What?” he asked snickering “You wanna go again? Alright, if you say so.”
Nemesis then marked an X in the middle of the board while Angel marked with O's. Who knew Angel would take Tic-Tac-Toe so seriously. After that whole incident with Applejack, Nemesis decided to go to Fluttershy's cottage. Of course he was flooded with thoughts of her being upset from leaving so suddenly. But Fluttershy forgave him easily which took a lot of weight off of his shoulders. Fluttershy then told him, “If you wanted a job so badly, you could have asked me.” She giggled. Nemesis then smacked his forehead realizing he should have done that In the first place.
The next day, Nemesis helped Fluttershy with the pet-sitting business. It was pretty simple to say the least, especially since he had done way more “dangerous” jobs before. Feeding the pets, play with them, and, umm, thats about it. Right now, he was keeping Angel company as Fluttershy went to get groceries. And that was probably the easiest job for him. Maybe because Angel was the only pet that disliked Nemesis and would always try to compete with him in everything.
“I win.” Nemesis told the little bunny. But Angel wasn't satisfied, he wanted to keep playing. Nemesis wondered why he was so competitive with him. Was it because he didn't like him? No, if that were true he would just ignore him. Is he trying to impress him? No, that wouldn't make any sense. Just then Nemesis just figured out the reason behind his competitive nature.
“Oh I get it!” Nemesis said with his realization. Angel just stared at him confused.
“Your not trying to impress me, your trying to impress Fluttershy! Now it all makes sense!” Nemesis said gladly.
Just then, he felt something on the side of his hoof. It wasn't painful but it was annoying. He looked down to see that a blushing bunny was kicking him. Nemesis put his hand on his muzzle giving a thinking position.
“Ohhh, so, you think im trespassing on your 'territory'.” He figured. Nemesis then bent down to speak to him more personally. He then put his hand on top of Angel's head and rubbed.
“Don't worry, your not being replaced, besides,” Nemesis began frown “She wouldn't like me anyway.” he told him looking away. Nemesis then stood up and began to walk into the kitchen.
“I've got too much blood on my hands, im too dangerous.” He told him. Im here to take over Ponyville, betraying everyone is what I came here to do. I don't want to make this any harder than it has to be. Nemesis was lost in thought as he clenched his fist and grit his teeth. I can't let myself get in to deep! But, but thats exactly whats happening! Damn it!
Three knocks came from the front door as he snapped back to reality. He then looked toward the door now fully conscious as he went to answer the door.
“Hello?” Nemesis greeted the air as there was no one at the door. He stuck his head out and looked both ways. He just about to head back inside until he saw a package. It was a little awkward considering how whoever delivered this small box obviously wanted him to walk a small distance to get it. He then walked over the box and picked it up. It was light and sealed pretty tightly.
“Jeez, would it kill a pony just to put it on their front porch?” He asked annoyed.
And just as he suspected, it was a trap.
A baseball bat swished through the air, heading straight to the back of his head. He quickly turned, dropping the package to catch the bat with both of his hands. The attacker was stunned at his strength and his quick movement. Nemesis then lifted his leg to stomp in the opponents stomach making him bend over in agony. Nemesis, still holding onto the bat, swiftly takes it out of hands. He then flipped the bat over to where he was now holding the handle. Then he brought the bat back and swung it upward, ramming into the the attackers muzzle. Nemesis's opponent then fell onto his back groaning in pain holding onto his face. Nemesis then leaned on the baseball bat.
“When I told you clowns to never come back, I thought you guys would have enough common sense to know that it also means to stay away from me.” Nemesis said satirically. He then looked up at the sky. “There's no use hiding anymore, you've been discovered! Your little friend here made sure of that!” He shouted letting them know the jig was up. And just as Nemesis thought, the rest of the gang came out of hiding. The gang members were wearing white and black with skulls on them. They were no doubt the same gang that attacked him and Applejack when they were selling apples. Big Macintosh even warned him something like this might happen.
The gang, or the Skulls, quickly surrounded Nemesis as he continued to look up at the sky. He then brought his head down give them a stone cold look. Im glad Fluttershy isn't around to see this.
“Alright guys, this is your last chance to take your friend here and get lost.”
“Shut it you alicorn freak!” one of them shouted.
“We're here for revenge! And thats what we're going get!” another shouted
Nemesis then sighed, “I thought as much,” He then put the bat over his shoulder. “I can't guarantee you guys will live after this.”
His eyes shifted to see what he was up against. Most of them have weapons, the one with steel pipe is closest to me, he'll most likely attack first.
Just then, The gangster with the pipe charged at him bringing the pipe over his head. Nemesis then brought the bat over his head side ways just in time to block the steel pipe. Moving quickly, he then side stepped, making the pipe slide down his bat. With a quick spin, he rammed the bat into the enemy’s side, breaking ribs. Taking advantage of his opponents pain, he grabbed his bat with both of his hands turning it sideways as he put his hoof behind his enemy's. All he had to do now was give him a good push in the chest making him fall onto his back.
One down, four more to go. He then looked at them again in such an angry way. You could see the blood lust in his eyes, giving off an aura of a monster. He was ready to destroy anything in his path.
The rest of the gang began to rethink their efforts. They started to sweat enough to completely dehydrate them. Their heart beat raced, they were shaking with quick breaths. They were scared.
“W-what are all of you doing!? KILL HIM!!” One of them shouted.
The one with the chain will likely attack next. He thought as he picked up the steel pipe with his other hand. But then without warning he dashed toward them with incredible speed. His eyes shined with death. NOT THAT IT MATTERS!!!
Just as Nemesis thought, a chain was thrown at him like a whip, attempting to pierce the flesh. With expert timing, he not only blocked the chain, but managed to get wrapped around his bat. As soon as Nemesis was sure it overlapped on the bat, he tugged on it, hard. The action made the gangster fly toward Nemesis. Once he was in range, Nemesis swung the steel pipe and bashed the side of his face knocking him to the ground.
Nemesis wasn't even winded yet, once he saw him fall he charged at rest of them screaming like a monster. “RRRAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”
The Skulls just stood there, frozen as the onslaught came. He swung the bat in one hooligan's face, blowing it backward. Afterwords Nemesis spun around slamming him with the momentum of the steel pipe. Once he was out cold, their were only two more Skulls left. Nemesis sprinted toward both of them while he crossed the his bat and pipe he was holding in a scissor motion. He then got in between the last two Skulls that were still frozen with fear. Releasing the scissor motion, He swung the blunt weapons ans thrashed both of their sides, painfully cracking their ribs. They both silently bent over in so much pain that they were unable to scream. With both of their head bowing, he raised the bat and the pipe over his head. Afterwords, he ended it as he swung both of them downward like a hammer and rammed them both on the back of the head.
It was quiet now. Painfully quiet. The rage in his mind had started to finally subside. No one else was standing now. It was over. He looked down as if he was ashamed of himself. The wind blew through Nemesis's hair as he continued to stare at the ground. He then let go of the blunt weapons he was using as they let out a small thud. After a small moment of silence, he heard something. It wasn't the wind, it was, laughter. Nemesis then looked up to see where it was coming from. Then he saw one of them on ground drowning in laughter while he was still on his back.
The black stallion started to get agitated from hear him chuckle. Nemesis walked toward the beat down pony. The Skull's white bandana on his head was turned red from his blood as it trickled down his face. But even with injuries like that didn't keep him from laughing. Nemesis had enough as he grabbed the collar of his shirt and picked him off the ground with one hand.
“Find something funny?” Nemesis asked annoyed.
The gangster began to cough from being lifted by his collar. His laughter finally deceased as struggled to tell him something.
“Y-you don't...get it d-do you!...” He said with a smirk. “Do you...*cough* r-really think we were stupid e-enough to attack y-you again?”
“Apparently you were!” Nemesis answered.
The Skull chuckled a little as he continued. “T-this was all part of are plan...”
Nemesis began to get impatient and shook him violently. “What the hell are talking about!? SPILL IT!!!” Nemesis shouted.
“Heh heh... *cough* ...how much do you care for Fluttershy?”
Thanks for reading! and let me know of any typos!
1177450
Best comment I've seen in a while.
1295260 I wanna watch the new toonami so bad! cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-otinysad.png
1391305
Why? do you have cable?
1391316 No I'm Poor lol!dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy.png
oh...
Well i got to say the story itself is a little dull due to the character being Mary Sue-ish meaning he doesn't have all that much depth to him. From what i got from him was basically what every guy wants to be at one point. super strong tough guy that gets all the ladies,( though he doesn't get them all lol) However, the idea isn't a bad one and i can see what you wanted to do with this and that isn't bad at all.
In fact. if people would spend more time acting like a real brony and not douches. then maybe they could of pointed yo in the right direction early on. But people are only human....a shame lol
Don't get dishearten my friend. You can only improve by moving forward.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Sweetie_happy.png
Sorry, this is Gary-stuish
Also, you, PonyUppercut. You can't even write a fanfic without getting instant dislikes and a shitty plot line, including a hackneyed character.
Alright, I know that this might be your first story and all of that stuff, but, you really gave us a bad impression on you. However, I feel like that you are new here and I will try to be "nice" to you.
Advice:
1. If your first story had left a bad start on you, join this great group called "School for New Writers". This will teach you on how to write a proper MLP fanfic without getting hate and will teach you to turn the tables
2. You must make a perfect OC (Original Character). In order to do this however, he must have an actual personality, is not 100% perfect, and has flaws. Yes, he must have his weaknesses and strengths in order to make a balanced OC that will make people like your story.
3. You might also want to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test to make sure that your character does not have many hackneyed abilities.
4. DO NOT EVER MAKE YOUR OC AN ALICORN!: Here's the reason, the only three alicorns should be part of royalty. Also, if you decide to do this, many will mindlessly dislike your story without even giving a shit about it. In other words, they think 'Aw, not this again!'
Also, delete this story and once you learn how to write a proper fanfic. Hopefully, make a good fic and this will get you another chance at the business of fanfiction.
NINJA EDIT: If you can't make a good cover art, don't put it as your cover art. Your cover art is used by the members everywhere to see if this is a perfect quality story. If it's shit, then no one wants to read it and is turned away by it. Also, don't use Pony Creator as your cover image, this will make more dislikes. If you want a cover art, join Art for Fanfiction group here then.
1429438
Yea, i don't get this mary sue garbage! Nemesis had a crappy past and grew up with a band of thieves that killed and stole. He's not gonna have the best of attitudes.
And thanks for the support!
1430904 Hey I get what you are say man, about the Mary-Sue character being bland. But telling them to stop completely or delete there fic because it is "bad" is a tad much don't you think? I mean, yeah the whole Alicorn Oc thing is very rarely done right. but that doesn't mean you should say you are horrible for doing this. This place was made to add story's. if you don't like it yeah that perfectly fine no biggy there. but don't say to stop and whatnot.
Obviously you are a good editor and well versed on giving Advice. So just give your advice that may help him improve and get better in a positive sense not bash. Anyway, Not hating on you man, just wanted to share my thoughts on what you posted.
1434316 Mary-Sue is basicly the "Run of the mill charater" Meaning a bland over powered or Unbeatable charater that has no weaknesses.
I would say since he had to survive his whole life and scrape by make him not trustworthy at first while making him not trust anyone ect ect. Also, when you think about it. every pony in Equestia would see an Alicorn and instantly think royalty and powerful ect. and would tthink he was some kind of king ect.
1434392 Or I think he could rewrite it, but once there are a lot of dislikes and he tries to rewrite it, people will still be turned away.
If he wants to rewrite this story, he should delete it first. Then repost the rewritten version onto this site.
1434422 Don't you have to ask kightly to repost a previous submission even if it is a rewrite?
1434446 Maybe, I decided to re-read the FAQ and it said that you weren't allow to repost a story that you have rewritten.
Which sucks...
1434483 Yeah, If he redid the story as like an alternate part of the original then yes. But Meh, To each his own, as they say.
1430904
First of all, Thank you for the friendly advice! its always nice to see a critic thats trying to help, which is more than what i can say for most of my comments!
Now lets dig in!
Oh that Gary Sue garbage again, sigh* Let me explain somethin to ya buddy, did ya ever wonder why Nemesis is a "Gary Sue"? Its because he was treated like crap for his entire life. His little brother framed him and kicked him out if his royalty status, He then became a street rat scavenging through garbage to find food, Next, in order to survive he joined gang of thieves that stole and killed, and now he being told to gain the trust of innocent ponies so he could end up betraying them in the end. Now you tell my why he doesn't show much emotion, or weakness or whatever crap you said he doesn't.
Second. I thank you for the recommendation, But i must decline. I'll teach myself how to right thank you very much.
Third. Yea people are stupid like that, my alicorn idea is gonna freaken awsome! just wait, theres a reason why hes an alicorn!
Forth. Under no circumstances am i deleting this story. The entire world could hate it and i still wouldn't delete it. You know why? because i like it, and thats the only reason i need to continue writing.
Fifth:
I don't know if this is addressed to me but if it is, why do you have to be so mean! I drew that picture with my own two hands, I didnt use pony creator or whatever that is.
Anyway thanks again for the advice, I plan to make this a long series and if my imagination serves me correct, Its going to get REALLY GOOD!
1434415
But thats the point, everyone did think that at first. And deep down he has a good heart, so he doesn't know whether to follow orders, or to protect his friends.
1434615 Yeah, i get it i was meraly explaining. Idk, people are just,...strange i guess. But thn I'm not human..I'm really just a Stallion in a human skin.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Queen_Chrysalis.png Lol
1434615 You know, I have saw a lot of stories that contain Pony Creator cover images and guess what? There was a lot of dislikes because the creator image was made from Pony Creator.
Alright sorry if I offended your cover image, but the better the quality is, the more readers you will grab into your story.
1434636
Agreed!
And yea i get what your sayin!
1435888 Lol yeah. So what kind of comic you working on?
1434553 Listen to me for a second. Listen to everyone here for a second. You don't have to do what I--or they--say, just, listen. Assume each and every one of us is just as intelligent as you are. Assuming you're of average intelligence, that's just about all of us. What I am going to do, for the countlessth (is that a word? Nah, it's not. No matter) time, is explain to you that your story is not very good and tell you exactly why.
I read the first few paragraphs. You don't even give us a chance to meet or learn anything of real importance about your character other than how awesome he is, and how he can punch out a creature several times his size (which evidently had not thought of just using its venom-packed stinger, not that this out-of-place, rediculous badass couldn't just shrug it off anyway). Soon after, you break canon numerous times--aside from pointlessly having the characters in human form for no reason--and reveal how noble this character of yours is supposed to be, all in a very 'telling' rather than 'showing' manner. This is a bad thing. You can't just tell the reader everything. You've got to show them with action and dialogue. There are also innumerable tensing, wording, and punctuation errors, though it's not the worst I've seen.
A valid wondering, because the creatures portrayed in this story are not ponies, but what some would call 'furries'. I, personally, have no idea what to call them. Again, it seems utterly pointless to portray ponies as though they were humans, as, if you did, then it wouldn't be My Little Pony, would it? Pff, anyway. A goblin, huh? Ah, nope, doesn't fit in the setting, like many of this story's elements.
Reading on to the second chapter, it is directly revealed to us that this character's life made him pretty much Sir Sucksalot. You want us to pity him, to give him a hard, cold soul. (That, of course, is perfectly noble despite growing up a terrible criminal and never learning better.) Soon after, he's deflecting blows from Rainbow Dash, the most talented fighting pony in canon, having learned Karate, or something. Surprisingly for a Sue, however, he does not win the fight, not this time.
To finish up, I'll break down your protagonist at current, then your setting at current. You will not like what I have to say, and likely won't care. It's not like I know anything about good storytelling or anything and am trying to give you accurate criticism, an analysis that may give you insight into why people don't like your story (in fact, I don't like your story either. Fancy that?).
Your character is part of a band of theives, is stronger than most anypony and is capable of swiftly defeating almost any and all creatures that stand before him. Clearly not heroic traits, which makes the fact that is character is supposedly a noble individual who finds his occupation since he was young to be dishonorable make no logical sense. He's cool because he's powerful. He's good because that's, well, good. He has no real depth. All of his thoughts and feelings are those of the 'evil honorable angster'--a type of Sue--as I'd like to call it. He's good, but does bad without wanting to do so. His intentions, if malicious, are easily swayed to good, where they stays for the duration of the story. Very quickly they will establish themselves in a group dynamic, despite being the social outcast they are made out to be. They have informed attractiveness that is purely superficial, though other characters will see more depth to the character than there really is, and fall for them quickly. All round, a nonsensical, unrealistic character. He's a winged unicorn anthopomorphized pony. That's rediculous, all but the last property, when used in conjunction. In fact, in any combination that doesn't involve 'pony', and one that does. This leads me onward, to the setting.
Your setting does not have an 'Equestria' feel. You describe hardcore theives and murderers, though clearly those don't exist in the Equestria we know. There is no reason for this; there is no alternate universe tag here.
You're writing for yourself, yes. Is this story bad? I'd say so. Most would say so. Do you have to stop? No. Do you want to stop? Apparently not. Do you think it's good? Yep, and that's a damn shame.
If you wanted me to, I could help you, but not with this. Too many elements in this story are beyond recovery as developed as is. It's all usable material if not butchered, and I'm afraid you've butchered it with this story. You don't have to believe me, and you can continue to write in glorious ignorance of how much people don't like it, and how it might not be the best idea to share it, as people will only get you down, like I may have just done. I write, too. I know how much criticism can hurt, but unless you're hopeless as a writer and stubborn as a person, you can use advice such as this to avoid making the same mistakes--though you may not see them as such--again. Well, this took a little while to write.
1447495
Wow! thank you so much for the long critique! i bet your fingers hurt from that one!
Anyway, lets get started!
I have to say, im planning to rewrite my first chapter due to how bad it was. So yea im gonna fix that.
You see, i wanted to make alot of fight scenes with hand to hand combat which brought me to my main problem, they have hooves. So i made them anthropomorphic (which is what their called by the way) . So you said it wouldn't be my little pony right? Why? we got the same characters, same places, and same time. I think that point is a matter of opinion, because "technically" they are still ponies, their just furries. And lastly, about my OC villain who's a goblin doesn't fit!? really? Listen here buddy, MLP has dragons, unicorns, pegasus, changelings, celestial beings, Cerberus, Discord, A FREAKEN BEAR MADE OUT OF STARS, need i go on? i think goblins if anything are pretty subtle compared to other mythical creatures that are MLP villains, just sayin.
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I got this part but....
I didnt get this part. Could you say that slower for me, cause im not the sharpest tool in the shed, but dam that made my head hurt!
Lets put it this way, In my opinion no matter what kind of living hell were in, theirs always gonna be a voice in the back of our heads telling us whats wrong and whats right. Nemesis still has that voice thats telling him what he's doing is wrong. But has to follow his orders because the gang he's in is the closest thing he's ever gotten to a family. So he doesn't know which to follow, his orders, or his heart. To me, this shows he has weakness, because he doesn't know what he wants out of life yet.
Now this, i highly disagree with. On the first episode of MLP everyone tried their best to be friends with Twilight who merely shrugged off any attempts to be their friend. But in the end, they brought the best out of Twilight. Thats whats happening with Nemesis, The mane 6 are always friendly to everyone. Which leads to situations for them to talk about Nemesis's past and what hes been through. Thus leading to his goal to gain their trust. But as he learns about the mane 6 he discovers what friendship truly is. Now he knows for a fact where his heart belongs.
Hey! i didn't randomly decide that Nemesis was an alicorn. I wasn't like "DERP LETS WRITE AN AWFUL FANFIC!!". Nemesis is an alicorn because hes royalty. And that royal blood is gonna end up biting him in the butt in the end. You see, this might make your ears bleed but im planning to make this a long running series. So im trying to make everything build up to the end. That way, you have a cool ending!
Well, let me ask you this, has there ever been a utopia before? No there hasn't, because in every city there are always people who disagree. And if thats too realistic for you then let me give you a different example. Freaken...... villains........ If their are villains in the MLP world where lives are at stake, then what makes you think there aren't any gangsters or criminals roaming around the streets. But you are right with the alternate universe tag, i'll have to fix that.
Ignorance is bliss my friend.
Welp, time to wrap this up. I'll let you in on a little secret, i hate reading books. weird right? So all of these ideas came up from the top of my head, no joke. When i wrote this story, i had no idea what a Mary Sue was or any of that garbage. I just wrote a story that i enjoyed and that i would like to one day animate. (cause i like to draw by the way). Thats it. Bottom line. Other than the first chapter(which in my opinion i think its doing most of the damage.) I don't want to change anything. Stories are made without limitations or boundaries, so why should i follow someone else's path?
Thank you again for the long critique! I really do take your critique seriously! The only reason why i don't respond to other so called "critiques" is because their jerks about it. I only respond to ones that actually respect another human being. And who knows, people might end up liking my story one day. After all, this monster iv'e created isn't finished yet!
1436105
Its about a girl named Chloe who lives in one of the few safest cities in a post apocalyptic world. Unfortunately, the World Civil war involving Angels and Demons drags itself to her peaceful city. Now Chloe and her friends fight to survive. and thats the comic in a nutshell!
1450850 sounds pretty crazy dude!
1177492 Sees comment, a victim hmm? I wonder what that means *clicks on link* dafuq? reads comments WTF?! *reads story* WJFKLA:FHL:FKJF:dsjfl;fjsdl;fjsdafl;shfasl;of/H:... ...uve made me insane...
1177718 I think this is the lesson she ment
1178221 post that on YouTube! plz
1486450
1493576
1449586
He said your character is a fucking asshole.
1498333
1500287 Hey there. I'm part of TWE, and I'm planning to give you a decent review. Maybe I can figure out why people don't like. Be back a little later.
Okay, all the comments are making me temped to do a MST....
Seriously, is there any other reasons why MSTs are against the rules besides that it's copy-and-paste? The mods don't want to deal with whiny authors or something?
1540895
MST?
Meteor
Smash
Technician
......
Seems legit