In terms of your A/N: I think the biggest issue when it comes to writing on a site like this, is that a lot of readers don't really have that much patience (I've learned this lesson myself). You can't take too long to get to what may be considered the 'primary' genre tag. [Slice of Life] you don't really need to worry about, and [Romance] usually takes time to develop, so people are more patient for that to show up, but since you have the [Comedy] tag, and you started off your story with 1) straight clop and 2) aspects of a story leaning into something more dark than funny (prostitution), it shouldn't be too surprising that people raised some eyebrows at you. While clearly the clop/prostitution parts were indeed necessary to set up just how horrible Gleaming's life is, they kind of overshadowed the funny parts that were present, so people focused more on that than what you did well. You got some action in now, though, so that should bring people's attention back, mine included. Earned my upvote, and now I'll be stickin' around.
Empress Celestia, I like it, as it give her actual role and power in Equestria.
But she is still shit in vault designing. Huge room filled to the brim, so it's a lot of place to hide, with dangerous artifacts behind glass, everything mixed and probably not cataloged, and without any automatic detection enchantment, and that is still possible to be entered in other way than main gate. And guarded by only one guard inside (which is another risk of getting guard helping robbery itself).
Jesus fuck, no wonder ancient artifacts get stolen so often!
The Equestrian Police force places value on the emotional states of their members instead of the requirements needed to act as security.
Gleaming may be sufficiently powerful, but why would you put a half cracked out guard to watch over very important artifacts? Wouldn't that be better for someone of sound mind and health?
Just saying..
I get it, hazing is irrational, but in a system that works, the hazee is not allowed to take on any important tasks for a reason.
They aren't just scrubbing the toilets because they're getting hazed, they're also scrubbing the toilets cause its a monotonous action they can do without much concentration, which is exactly the mental state they would be at.
Decent immersion though, really builds on what we know of the show.
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this story. I started it seeing it was a Anon Gleaming Shield story but all it's been is gleaming being a prostitute (for some reason) and her lack of sleep.
>still setting up Gleaming's horrible life
Is this going to be one of those kinds of comedies the kind of "Comedy" that consists of the story shitting on one of the characters, because those tend to be more sad then funny... unless you're a sociopath.
Personally, I love this. I don't care if it's "funny" right off the bat. Something called world building. Plus, some nice references in there. Otherwise, keep up the good work.
WhY uSe AnOn? HoW hArD iS iT tO cOmE uP wItH aN aCtUaL nAmE?
Actually, according to Wikipedia, there are several prominent football players in Thailand that are called "Anon" and those are the people that are famous enough to get wikipedia articles. There could be more that we don't know about. And it appears that, from a different source, Anon is also in use in Sweden, Norway, and Finland as a variant of Anund and Anonsen. So, technically, Anon is indeed an actual name. And for another thing, I think that if people can name their daughters "ABCDE" (yes, that's an actual name people are using nowadays), then it's not that much of a stretch that someone might call their son "Anon". We have names like North West and whatever Elon Musk named his new android-son. Why is Anon so hard to accept?
Rant aside, oh boy. I do love me some Gleaming Shield stuff. Carry on, my wayward son!
Still trying to understand the prostitution. Does she make so little money as a guard as to need to spend her entire time working to live? Is she trying to amass money to some inscrutable goal? Greedy? Sex addict but extremely frustrated with ponies?
Because honestly, there has to be a decent reason. Money can't be it, no one in their sane mind would put criminally underpaid soldiers to guard anything worth shit, such as the vault filled with untold treasure.
Still curious to where this is going though, specially with player two joining in.
10426436 Likely, but if this is anything to go by she's imprisoned in this universe, like Luna was. And/or is a demon/devil/spirit of love and/or lust.
10426903 Well, we know the timeline is borked since it's "empress celestia".
And I agree on the prostitution. Also seems like she's trying to pick up extra shifts, which doesn't make sense since soldiers aren't paid by the hour.
10426903 Perhaps she does get paid well, just that there are untold expenses that still need to be paid off. My own guess would be Twilight's school expenses, since she did go to a prestigious school from a young age.
So far the only real thing thats bugging me about this story is the prostitution. The comedy i couldn't really give a slow roasted-honey coated crap about this early in. There's no explanation at ALL about why she's doing it. She doesn't seem to want to do it, it looks lile it's interfering with her sleep so she has poor performance at her actual job, and i would think that being a gaurd would pay plenty for her to live in an apartment. The only things that i could think of that would need her to go into prostitution are extreme debts to unsavory characters (anyone decent wouldn't require something to the extremes she's going to), or blackmail (my money's on Captain Firestorm. Especially with him calling her "Codpiece" and fucking over her schedule like he is.)
In all honesty, i believe these are things that could've been explained in Coffee Addict when the unknown stallion showed up. The worldbuilding is coming along at a decent pace. The comedy can come in whenever (i personally think the references and what comedy you DO have seems a little forced). For this story i think you should prioritize on Gleaming Shield's history before going foreward. Why she's doing what she's doing, why she wanted to join the gaurd or if she wanted to be one in the first place. Maybe make it something she thinks about while recovering from her ass kicking.
Now that I think about it Gleaming should have some magical muscle, considering the city shield while being drained by Chrysalis. Unless she's to get that much more omph once she finishes maturing/gets more training. Or if she was dealing with a Sunset/Starlight/Twilight (or close enough) level enemy...
10427087 That's mostly an US thing if you don't have tuition, which Twilight would have if chosen to be the student of the empress - a thing that would explain the hazing too. And even if there is an empress on the throne that's a stupid policy to keep it you want competent minions. Drowning them in debt or keeping education from the talents is an excellent way to deprive yourself of their services.
I can't help but feel like you are referencing the accecories from a certain 2d game often mistaken as a Minecraft clone. P.s. I like how the story is going so far and think you should keep doing it your way as the comedy aspect is for you to decide how to integrate!
10428575 Probably. Although we don't get a lot of details in the show. You could consider Equestria an empire, but like I said, we don't get a bunch of details.
I’m not even claustrophobic and this is getting a little too much! Gleaming thought as she worked her way through the tight space.
Rumor says some unfortunate guards got lost while patrolling the vault, never to be seen again.
Only to find herself staring into the surprised eyes of a pony who was in the process of cutting a hole in the glass case.
Time to wake up. Fast!
By Celestia’s milky teats
: "Youth these days... On the other hoof, I'm saying this for centuries already."
Just as the intruder surged over the top of a pile of treasure, a ball of red light erupted from the tip of Gleaming’s horn. It soared through the air only to impact on the ceiling. Instantly, a loud, keening wail filled the air while the room was filled with a pulsing red light. “Now all of Canterlot knows you’re here,” Gleaming shouted over the cacophony.
Maybe she should have done that from the very beginning... Nah, that would be boring.
Updated 33 seconds ago. Nice.
I wonder when and where anon comes into play here.
Good chapter, good action
Alriiiight, a little action. Veddy naice.
In terms of your A/N: I think the biggest issue when it comes to writing on a site like this, is that a lot of readers don't really have that much patience (I've learned this lesson myself). You can't take too long to get to what may be considered the 'primary' genre tag. [Slice of Life] you don't really need to worry about, and [Romance] usually takes time to develop, so people are more patient for that to show up, but since you have the [Comedy] tag, and you started off your story with 1) straight clop and 2) aspects of a story leaning into something more dark than funny (prostitution), it shouldn't be too surprising that people raised some eyebrows at you. While clearly the clop/prostitution parts were indeed necessary to set up just how horrible Gleaming's life is, they kind of overshadowed the funny parts that were present, so people focused more on that than what you did well.
You got some action in now, though, so that should bring people's attention back, mine included. Earned my upvote, and now I'll be stickin' around.
Empress Celestia, I like it, as it give her actual role and power in Equestria.
But she is still shit in vault designing. Huge room filled to the brim, so it's a lot of place to hide, with dangerous artifacts behind glass, everything mixed and probably not cataloged, and without any automatic detection enchantment, and that is still possible to be entered in other way than main gate. And guarded by only one guard inside (which is another risk of getting guard helping robbery itself).
Jesus fuck, no wonder ancient artifacts get stolen so often!
The Equestrian Police force places value on the emotional states of their members instead of the requirements needed to act as security.
Gleaming may be sufficiently powerful, but why would you put a half cracked out guard to watch over very important artifacts? Wouldn't that be better for someone of sound mind and health?
Just saying..
I get it, hazing is irrational, but in a system that works, the hazee is not allowed to take on any important tasks for a reason.
They aren't just scrubbing the toilets because they're getting hazed, they're also scrubbing the toilets cause its a monotonous action they can do without much concentration, which is exactly the mental state they would be at.
Decent immersion though, really builds on what we know of the show.
I couldn’t help but read that last line in Obi-Wan Kenobi’s voice
Was that just the crystal heart being destroyed?
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this story. I started it seeing it was a Anon Gleaming Shield story but all it's been is gleaming being a prostitute (for some reason) and her lack of sleep.
Is this going to be one of those kinds of comedies the kind of "Comedy" that consists of the story shitting on one of the characters, because those tend to be more sad then funny... unless you're a sociopath.
Some people in the comment section: WhErEs ThE FuNnY, ThIs Is JuSt DaRk
Author:
i.ibb.co/BBHY7cM/Img-1599636027080.jpg
Personally, I love this. I don't care if it's "funny" right off the bat. Something called world building. Plus, some nice references in there. Otherwise, keep up the good work.
Ok so Cadence was sealed in the heart?
10426418
Actually, according to Wikipedia, there are several prominent football players in Thailand that are called "Anon" and those are the people that are famous enough to get wikipedia articles. There could be more that we don't know about. And it appears that, from a different source, Anon is also in use in Sweden, Norway, and Finland as a variant of Anund and Anonsen. So, technically, Anon is indeed an actual name. And for another thing, I think that if people can name their daughters "ABCDE" (yes, that's an actual name people are using nowadays), then it's not that much of a stretch that someone might call their son "Anon". We have names like North West and whatever Elon Musk named his new android-son. Why is Anon so hard to accept?
Rant aside, oh boy. I do love me some Gleaming Shield stuff. Carry on, my wayward son!
Still trying to understand the prostitution. Does she make so little money as a guard as to need to spend her entire time working to live? Is she trying to amass money to some inscrutable goal? Greedy? Sex addict but extremely frustrated with ponies?
Because honestly, there has to be a decent reason. Money can't be it, no one in their sane mind would put criminally underpaid soldiers to guard anything worth shit, such as the vault filled with untold treasure.
Still curious to where this is going though, specially with player two joining in.
10426436
Likely, but if this is anything to go by she's imprisoned in this universe, like Luna was. And/or is a demon/devil/spirit of love and/or lust.
Love it. Block out the haters.
10426903
Well, we know the timeline is borked since it's "empress celestia".
And I agree on the prostitution. Also seems like she's trying to pick up extra shifts, which doesn't make sense since soldiers aren't paid by the hour.
10423389
You make me laugh till I wheeze.
10426903
Perhaps she does get paid well, just that there are untold expenses that still need to be paid off. My own guess would be Twilight's school expenses, since she did go to a prestigious school from a young age.
So far the only real thing thats bugging me about this story is the prostitution. The comedy i couldn't really give a slow roasted-honey coated crap about this early in. There's no explanation at ALL about why she's doing it. She doesn't seem to want to do it, it looks lile it's interfering with her sleep so she has poor performance at her actual job, and i would think that being a gaurd would pay plenty for her to live in an apartment. The only things that i could think of that would need her to go into prostitution are extreme debts to unsavory characters (anyone decent wouldn't require something to the extremes she's going to), or blackmail (my money's on Captain Firestorm. Especially with him calling her "Codpiece" and fucking over her schedule like he is.)
In all honesty, i believe these are things that could've been explained in Coffee Addict when the unknown stallion showed up. The worldbuilding is coming along at a decent pace. The comedy can come in whenever (i personally think the references and what comedy you DO have seems a little forced). For this story i think you should prioritize on Gleaming Shield's history before going foreward. Why she's doing what she's doing, why she wanted to join the gaurd or if she wanted to be one in the first place. Maybe make it something she thinks about while recovering from her ass kicking.
Just keep doing what your doing. Im loving it.
Now that I think about it Gleaming should have some magical muscle, considering the city shield while being drained by Chrysalis. Unless she's to get that much more omph once she finishes maturing/gets more training.
Or if she was dealing with a Sunset/Starlight/Twilight (or close enough) level enemy...
10427087
That's mostly an US thing if you don't have tuition, which Twilight would have if chosen to be the student of the empress - a thing that would explain the hazing too.
And even if there is an empress on the throne that's a stupid policy to keep it you want competent minions. Drowning them in debt or keeping education from the talents is an excellent way to deprive yourself of their services.
General kenobi, you are a bold one
For some reason, this reminded me of
Heyyyy, youu!
No good can come from this. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
I like it. Keep em' chapters coming bruv.
Is this another version of Equestria? I’m asking because of the use of the words “House Empyrean” and “Empress Celestia”.
I can't help but feel like you are referencing the accecories from a certain 2d game often mistaken as a Minecraft clone.
P.s. I like how the story is going so far and think you should keep doing it your way as the comedy aspect is for you to decide how to integrate!
10428575
Probably. Although we don't get a lot of details in the show. You could consider Equestria an empire, but like I said, we don't get a bunch of details.
Rumor says some unfortunate guards got lost while patrolling the vault, never to be seen again.
Time to wake up.
Fast!
: "Youth these days... On the other hoof, I'm saying this for centuries already."
Maybe she should have done that from the very beginning...
Nah, that would be boring.
10426515
That's what I suspect, too.
This was a epic heart pumping Battle chapter. Go Gleaming.
Is nobody going to mention this reference?
78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mazbpmsejo1qlt206o4_1280.gif
Either I'm a massive fucking nerd, or someone else here plays Terraria.
Man, I loved the panty part.
"Jokes on you, bitch."
10542063
I thought of the same thing.