Donovan Crowley works as a Royal Blacksmith for the Guard. Ever since his arrival he has been ridiculed and tormented by everypony he meets. One night in his dreams, he meets an enemy once thought to be destroyed.
If she can teach him to manipulate shadows (and dark magic is legal to an extent), it'd definitely help him show off if he had a sword that was hollow with holes in it to use the shadows inside it. Switching from a straightsword to a shotel or a spear on the fly would definitely help in keeping his opponent from adapting well if he can make up for the durability loss on the weapon.
10697802 Yeah, I was thinking about a longsword with an assortment of runes etched into the blade. This way each swing could expel a wave of dark magic that could devastate groups of enemies at range. I also want Donovan to Mordhau or half sword. I wish I had the money to commission an artist to make a cover image and Donovan's gear and weaponry.
Goodness the audacity of these "Royal Guard" is only giving me "Ideas of Pain" let's hope that after this things get better, also the "Captain" sounds like they were all on in this plan to downgrade this man for pure spite.
Why not taking a step forward and combine steel and dark magic make black armor out of it that cheap armor the royal guards and the lunar guards have will be no match for the armor that he'll create in the weapons that he forms. You can actually have it looking like the ringed Knight armor.darksouls3.wiki.fextralife.com/file/Dark-Souls-3/ringed_knight_set-new.jpg
10697812 Still, the legality could be an issue unless it's well hidden like under the wrapping around the hilt or if runes inside the scabbard could affect the weapon for a moment.
10697816 What would be amazing is when he wins his fight, he's allowed to challenge a higher ranked officer for their rank and wipes the floor with Gallant.
I hope that he won't get ousted. You should come up with an excuse for that, like have Don say what is bad for ponies is not the same for humans. I think somewhere along the lines; he should fight Luna. It will be cool if he gets the materials to finish his gun and owns her.
Loving this and I can’t wait to see Equestria get their due! Tis shall be glorious! Cackles darkly
Anyways very good so far and a story of our MC teaming up with an Ex-villain to possibly bring dispair to the ones who brought them dispair is always a nice read here and there. Keep up the awesome work and hope to see more!
"That is true, but yet you've never patrolled with us, never sparred with us, never fought alongside any of us. Being part of the guard is like family, we stand by each other. Yet you've just been doing your own thing, you've been at the lowest rank for two years now! Sergeant Gallant has also informed me of your recent insubordination against him as well. Personally...I don't think you've got what it takes to be a part of the Royal Guard. I'm going to think over it for a little bit longer but my mind's mostly made up. You can continue to work as a blacksmith, you'll just have to turn in your armor and issued weapon. Seeing as how you've done nothing this whole time, I'll have to talk with Celestia about whether or not you should be dishonorably discharged. If you are, you'll get no retirement pay. If you want, you can keep your job as a blacksmith." And with that, she turned and left. I stood frozen in disbelief. That bastard Gallant, he lied to her and she believed it! Rousing myself from my stupor, I ran out and shouted,
Man, f*ck them.
"The guards assemble into the Grand Arena and are randomly chosen to fight an individual who shares the same rank. Whoever wins the match receives a higher rank. Then there are the squad bouts, which includes a four pony group. Rank, race, and skill vary. That event is meant to test unit cohesion." Umbra hummed for a moment,
Wow, that’s a lot to take in.
"I knew you were going to ask me that. To answer your question, sometimes. Although it's rare. However, serious injuries are common. Last year, there was this pegasus who had one of her wings severed mid-flight. Luckily the cut was clean and the bones weren't too damaged. She was up and flying after seven months."
How?
"I see you're in your street clothes. Leaving the castle to do nothing? Oh, wait! You already do nothing." I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply through my nose. There goes my hope of a somewhat amicable exchange between us,
The guards can’t talk sh*t.
"Think Donovan, is ten days truly enough to hone your skills for a series of battles?" She took my silence as a no, "Exactly. Too much rides on you beating whoever you face. Not to mention, learning to use a different weapon will give you a strategic edge over your opponents. Under my tutelage, you can be a formidable adversary."
I wouldn’t mind her training me.
"I don't give a damn about what Queen Amore says, you are going to die. Right here, right now. By my hoof." Umbra responds with a throaty chuckle,
Did she say not to kill her?
"I know so much more than you would ever believe." Her hooves covered my eyes. Once they were pulled away, I was back in Canterlot, standing just outside the palace,
I thought they had hands.
"Of course, the mere fact that I traded blows with Celestia and Luna several times is proof enough. Would you like to see that memory next?" I shook my head,
10697934 About that pegasus who had her wing severed. A healing spell sped up the process. Magic, bro. I should have specified that Queen Amore wanted Umbra alive for questioning, my bad. Finally, I made a blog post stating that I'm changing the ponies from anthro to normal.
Here's hoping he gets much better position, maybe winning in self-made superior quality gear. I wonder what stuff dark-magic entails in this world, since it is a rather wide spectrum. Maybe some kind of slow-motion sense, where you can see things around you happening slower, giving you time to react etc...
Also what reason does Luna have to hate MC? And would be nice to see Celestia at least remembering her guards only blacksmith, since she seems to be able to magically make time for Twiggles if needed. Do they know about him btw?
I hope this doesn't go down the cliche path of someone being nice to him out of nowhere and in the climax of the story he just stops everything because of the kindness ONE PERSON besides umbra showed him and because its "wrong" and everyone is happy and forgiven, one of the worst possible endings for stories like this imo. Other then that it's looking great so far, looking forward to the next chapter.
10698118 One of her wings was cut off and it was set into a cast. Then the doctors used healing magic to meld her bones together and through the work of a healing spell she regained the ability to fly once the wing was fully healed.
I swear when the captain cut him off and gave him that fierce glare, Its like she said "Don't tell me something I know, I know you chose 'Guard Duty' over 'Black Smithing' and 'Armor Cataloguing'. "
Celestia and the mane six asks why he turned against harmony, and have him respond with basically a video montage of every misdeed done to him
It would be nice, but its not realistic. This story is semi real world rules. A long (what would be perceived to be whining) montage doesn't work in anything remotely real life. The best way for this to play out would be after the question is asked, for him to
Sword sliding against the ground, Donovan slowly got to his feet. Spitting out blood, he gave the ponies a fierce glare. "Because your evil."
Applejacks brow furrowed in confusion, as she took a step backward n surprise. "How can you be tellin the truth?!"
The ponies could feel the hatred radiating from his scowl. "Does it matter?"
Somewhat more realistic in my opinion. Nobody in a fight is going to realistically sit through a long rambling montage. But a few well-chosen words can make a much better impact.
The Monk “There are many ways to create a monster, and the one the girl knows best is rather basic: you tell someone they're a monster over and over again, then wait to see how long it takes before they agree with you.” -Estee
I did not notice any spelling errors as I read, however your grammar, some word choices, and the way you format your sentence structures is a bit awkward. Often, when you have someone speaking, for some reason you indicate the listener's reaction in the same line. Like:
"I guess you do know a lot about war." Umbra laughs,
"Of course, the mere fact that I traded blows with Celestia and Luna several times is proof enough. Would you like to see that memory next?" I shook my head,
"Nah I'm good."
It would read better if you had your sentence structures more like this:
"I guess you do know a lot about war."
Umbra laughs at my comment. "Of course, the mere fact that I traded blows with Celestia and Luna several times is proof enough. Would you like to see that memory next?"
I shake my head, "Nah I'm good."
It might seem a bit unnatural to you right now to format this way, but I think that once you get the hang of it that your words will flow much better. The fact that you only have this minor stuff (as opposed to major things like spelling and serious grammatical errors) to worry about with regards to your writing ability speaks volumes to your potential.
Also, with regards to differentiating spoken words from the telepathic speak, consider italicizing or enclosing that sentence in brackets, no big deal, just a thought.
Keep up the good work, can't wait to see more of this story.
HATE PONIES
If she can teach him to manipulate shadows (and dark magic is legal to an extent), it'd definitely help him show off if he had a sword that was hollow with holes in it to use the shadows inside it. Switching from a straightsword to a shotel or a spear on the fly would definitely help in keeping his opponent from adapting well if he can make up for the durability loss on the weapon.
10697800
Truly badass riffs man. Glad you're enjoying the story.
10697803
Thank you for writing the stories.
10697802
Yeah, I was thinking about a longsword with an assortment of runes etched into the blade. This way each swing could expel a wave of dark magic that could devastate groups of enemies at range. I also want Donovan to Mordhau or half sword. I wish I had the money to commission an artist to make a cover image and Donovan's gear and weaponry.
Goodness the audacity of these "Royal Guard" is only giving me "Ideas of Pain" let's hope that after this things get better, also the "Captain" sounds like they were all on in this plan to downgrade this man for pure spite.
Why not taking a step forward and combine steel and dark magic make black armor out of it that cheap armor the royal guards and the lunar guards have will be no match for the armor that he'll create in the weapons that he forms. You can actually have it looking like the ringed Knight armor.darksouls3.wiki.fextralife.com/file/Dark-Souls-3/ringed_knight_set-new.jpg
10697812
Still, the legality could be an issue unless it's well hidden like under the wrapping around the hilt or if runes inside the scabbard could affect the weapon for a moment.
10697834
Perhaps an enchantment would work. It would be very concealable.
10697816
What would be amazing is when he wins his fight, he's allowed to challenge a higher ranked officer for their rank and wipes the floor with Gallant.
I mean if they want to treats him as a outcast when I create armor that represents the sun in the moon but in his own way
10697837
I plan to have that happen. Honestly I can't wait for that chapter, I know I'll have tons and tons of fun writing it.
10697840
Have him reference Popo's training if he's questioned afterward, make the guard unsure of whether or not they'll actually want to know.
I want to tell you to not take too long, but I know how slow it can be trying to write. Haven't updated a few of my stories in a long time.
10697843
Lol, I could just imagine, "I was trained by Mr.Popo himself, you welps can't stand a chance against me."
10697845
"I am now above the worms inside the dirt on the Pecking Order!"
10697832
Helmet/ hood aside, it would definitely humiliate them if they can't even get through his armor.
I hope that he won't get ousted. You should come up with an excuse for that, like have Don say what is bad for ponies is not the same for humans. I think somewhere along the lines; he should fight Luna. It will be cool if he gets the materials to finish his gun and owns her.
..... Wow.
This is xenophobia to a new level, holy fuck.
Loving this and I can’t wait to see Equestria get their due! Tis shall be glorious! Cackles darkly
Anyways very good so far and a story of our MC teaming up with an Ex-villain to possibly bring dispair to the ones who brought them dispair is always a nice read here and there. Keep up the awesome work and hope to see more!
10697852
Yes It'll be
Took a little bit but I'm happy to see another chapter.
Man, f*ck them.
Wow, that’s a lot to take in.
How?
The guards can’t talk sh*t.
I wouldn’t mind her training me.
Did she say not to kill her?
I thought they had hands.
I would
Very interessting, can't wait to see how it goes
10697934
About that pegasus who had her wing severed. A healing spell sped up the process. Magic, bro. I should have specified that Queen Amore wanted Umbra alive for questioning, my bad. Finally, I made a blog post stating that I'm changing the ponies from anthro to normal.
Here's hoping he gets much better position, maybe winning in self-made superior quality gear. I wonder what stuff dark-magic entails in this world, since it is a rather wide spectrum. Maybe some kind of slow-motion sense, where you can see things around you happening slower, giving you time to react etc...
Also what reason does Luna have to hate MC? And would be nice to see Celestia at least remembering her guards only blacksmith, since she seems to be able to magically make time for Twiggles if needed. Do they know about him btw?
I hope this doesn't go down the cliche path of someone being nice to him out of nowhere and in the climax of the story he just stops everything because of the kindness ONE PERSON besides umbra showed him and because its "wrong" and everyone is happy and forgiven, one of the worst possible endings for stories like this imo. Other then that it's looking great so far, looking forward to the next chapter.
10697989
I honestly don’t know what order you’re answering in.
10698106
Well I then I can't help ya
10698108
So, she just grew her wings back?
Also, I don’t think I saw the blog.
10698118
One of her wings was cut off and it was set into a cast. Then the doctors used healing magic to meld her bones together and through the work of a healing spell she regained the ability to fly once the wing was fully healed.
10698122
What about the wings that were severed? Did they throw them away or something?
10698127
No, she didn't just grow the wing back. Only one wing was severed. Her wing was retrieved put in ice, reattached, and placed back on her body.
10698134
Ohh. Wow, magic is a gift.
10698135
Yeah, it's pretty useful I'd say
10698139
Are we going to see different types of magic?
10698156
Maybe a little bit of Chaos magic, I'm planning on introducing discord.
10698172
Oh ok. Are the main 6 not gonna be introduced?
10698216
They are just a bit later in the chapter.
10698217
Ohh.
I swear when the captain cut him off and gave him that fierce glare, Its like she said "Don't tell me something I know, I know you chose 'Guard Duty' over 'Black Smithing' and 'Armor Cataloguing'. "
10697850
Random Guard: How did this Popo train you?
Donovan: Pecking order~!
10698418
"FIRST RULE OF POPO'S TRAINING: DON'T TALK ABOUT POPO'S TRAINING!!!"
"Why are you-"
"SECOND RULE OF POPO'S TRAINING!!!"
10459695
It would be nice, but its not realistic. This story is semi real world rules. A long (what would be perceived to be whining) montage doesn't work in anything remotely real life. The best way for this to play out would be after the question is asked, for him to
Sword sliding against the ground, Donovan slowly got to his feet. Spitting out blood, he gave the ponies a fierce glare. "Because your evil."
Applejacks brow furrowed in confusion, as she took a step backward n surprise. "How can you be tellin the truth?!"
The ponies could feel the hatred radiating from his scowl. "Does it matter?"
Somewhat more realistic in my opinion. Nobody in a fight is going to realistically sit through a long rambling montage. But a few well-chosen words can make a much better impact.
The Monk
“There are many ways to create a monster, and the one the girl knows best is rather basic: you tell someone they're a monster over and over again, then wait to see how long it takes before they agree with you.” -Estee
I did not notice any spelling errors as I read, however your grammar, some word choices, and the way you format your sentence structures is a bit awkward.
Often, when you have someone speaking, for some reason you indicate the listener's reaction in the same line.
Like:
It would read better if you had your sentence structures more like this:
It might seem a bit unnatural to you right now to format this way, but I think that once you get the hang of it that your words will flow much better. The fact that you only have this minor stuff (as opposed to major things like spelling and serious grammatical errors) to worry about with regards to your writing ability speaks volumes to your potential.
Also, with regards to differentiating spoken words from the telepathic speak, consider italicizing or enclosing that sentence in brackets, no big deal, just a thought.
Keep up the good work, can't wait to see more of this story.
10700004
Hm. Okay this is pretty constructive. I'll try to remember that and apply the future chapters. Thanks.
10700050
Always happy to help.
This is a good story, but it's a shame its only updated twice in a year.
10700537
Sorry, covid and school was a hypothetical grenade to my writing routine.
10701065
It might as well be literal lol (college student here)
I’m loving this accursed story Please keep it up🙏🏾I’d love to see what’s next in this story.