Interesting concept, but terrible execution. I enjoy the idea of a saiyan going to a RGRE world, but the chapter here is rushed along with little to no detailed explanation.
I will favourite this story and follow it just because it is a decent and quick read, along with the fact that I want to see how you develop this concept, however, I will also see the wasted potential of what could have been a good story. (if you wish for an example that pulls rushed events but is still a good story then please check out 'A New Empire War And Peace')
Edit: it doesn't mean that this story is bad, though it is not good.
The pacing is extremely fast, and you have a habit of telling rather than showing. I have a feeling that you're somewhat of a novice writer though so that's completely understandable. I'm sure you'll grow out of these little habits as you keep writing. You're missing a lot of detail you could have put into the first chapter and basically handwaved the entire journey to equestria when you could have put in some fun little bits of the main character in transit. Basically there's a lot of room for improvement here but I'm not going to chew you out for missing those opportunities. You can always come back in the future and edit the chapter, and I want to see you improve because that makes me feel happy.
He got inside the pod and set coordinates to Frieza planet 419. No one ever goes to Frieza Planet 419. Not since it's species miraculously repopulated. Little did he know, he was set for a different planet. A planet inhabited by only mares. He sets course. He slept and ate on most of his journey not noticing that he passed the planet he was set for. But he was already plummeting into the everfree.
Kanassan #1: "I CAN SEE THE FUTURE" Kanassan # 2: "BULMA AND VEGETA HAVE A KID" Kanassan # 3: "THE REAL BUU IS A CHILD" Kanassan # 4: "CELL REACHES HIS PERFECT FORM" Kanassan # 5: "GOTEN AND TRUNKS BECOME A GUY" Kanassan # 6: "GOHAN IS THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL DOESNT DO CRAP"
He got inside the pod and set coordinates to Frieza planet 419. No one ever goes to Frieza Planet 419. Not since it's species miraculously repopulated. Little did he know, he was set for a different planet. A planet inhabited by only mares. He sets course. He slept and ate on most of his journey not noticing that he passed the planet he was set for. But he was already plummeting into the everfree.
It seem very rushed on the pacing and its a bit self inserty but i still found it amusing and would like to read more :D
Interesting concept, but terrible execution. I enjoy the idea of a saiyan going to a RGRE world, but the chapter here is rushed along with little to no detailed explanation.
I will favourite this story and follow it just because it is a decent and quick read, along with the fact that I want to see how you develop this concept, however, I will also see the wasted potential of what could have been a good story. (if you wish for an example that pulls rushed events but is still a good story then please check out 'A New Empire War And Peace')
Edit: it doesn't mean that this story is bad, though it is not good.
An.
10333908
I have to agree it is a bit rushed But let’s see where this goes
Great work
More pls
It was ok interested in more chapter
No but really.
A 1.3 foot/16 inch penis.
Like do you not understand biology or are you just that insecure?
10334288
F**k logic
10334288
the world biggest is 13.5 inches (34 cm) long when erect
Hey Aran I know that picture 👌
Can't wait for the next chapter
Why isn't there a porn tag?
10334756
Not all of it is gonna be porn kiddo
"Ratings Disabled"
10335351
Don't really care man.
10335381
Well it looks like you care enough to disable them. . . . . .
10335439
...
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
I'm enjoying the story so far, looking forward to more chapters.
This was a fun and interesting beginning I can't wait to see where this goes. This you can away trust RD to jump to conclusions.
And save it up rainbow dash to be a bitch sexist and xenophobic cunt
Very rushed and execution is in need of serious work. I cannot get into this.
That one hell of a sucker Punch... Hope he returns the favor
The pacing is extremely fast, and you have a habit of telling rather than showing. I have a feeling that you're somewhat of a novice writer though so that's completely understandable. I'm sure you'll grow out of these little habits as you keep writing. You're missing a lot of detail you could have put into the first chapter and basically handwaved the entire journey to equestria when you could have put in some fun little bits of the main character in transit. Basically there's a lot of room for improvement here but I'm not going to chew you out for missing those opportunities. You can always come back in the future and edit the chapter, and I want to see you improve because that makes me feel happy.
Kanassan #1: "I CAN SEE THE FUTURE"
Kanassan # 2: "BULMA AND VEGETA HAVE A KID"
Kanassan # 3: "THE REAL BUU IS A CHILD"
Kanassan # 4: "CELL REACHES HIS PERFECT FORM"
Kanassan # 5: "GOTEN AND TRUNKS BECOME A GUY"
Kanassan # 6: "GOHAN IS THE STRONGEST IN THE UNIVERSE BUT STILL DOESNT DO CRAP"
DBZ abridged reference?