Lyra had a decent life. It wasn't perfect but it was hers and it was good. Now all of that is gone and she's in the worst of all possible worlds.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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NIce work! Looks like a good ending for Lyra after all
10582350
What do they say? Any ending the MC can walk away from is a good one.
10582362
Indeed!
what about her husband? there still be a loose thread
10582445
Sulik's sister.
Srsly, naw, we know where he is. Maybe he'll show up in a sequel, when it will be least convenient for everyone involved. But for now, being in the Enclave means he might as well be on the moon.
10582445
10582350
Slightly tweaked the epilogue to address issues you raised. See blog post.
10582581
Looks good to me
I honestly am waiting on the sequel with baited breath. So damn good this. Hell, it doesnt even have to be a sequel. Just download a few DLC's and give Lyra some added content adventures!
10582985
huh weird ending but i enjoyed it
10585836
YAY!
I'm... I think I'm a weird writer. And not just in a sex way.
Good story and well done perspective on FO4.
10789202
Thank you!
I liked it, but the pacing was ridiculously fast, even for a FO:E story. I think if you'd let things take a little more time in the latter half it would have been better, but what's done is done. It was good, don't get me wrong, but the pacing made it not as good as it could have been.
Rapid pacing can work for a shorter story, such as Strange Currencies. Pacing that runs at 11 for well over 100k words doesn't.
Have an upvote, regardless.
10807190
Thank you! That was extremely good feedback, especially from someone who I know liked Strange Currencies! Specific and actionable!
And consistent with some other things I've heard about my writing. I've been struggling to put the brakes on in terms of pacing and transitions; it's clear I need to do it even more.
Luckily a lot of ink has been spilled on pacing in storytelling. Back to the craft books...
I might even revise this one at some point, tho' only after I finish several other novel length works. First novel is first novel-y.
10807280
Have you read any other works from FO:E? You've clearly read at least the source material, I'm just wondering if you've touched on any of the others, such as MN7 or PH or the like. Those two are MUCH longer and excellently paced, if you don't mind things taking a turn for the anime and the escalation of Worm in PH.
Definitely slow down; the first couple of chapters had a decent pace, but things very quickly went off the rails with no brakes in sight. The consistency of the level ups was one thing that tipped me off; even in chapters where there wasn't a lot of shootbanging and so on, Lyra was consistently leveling up. As it was, Lyra went from Level 1 Thug to Level 30 Boss over the course of... what, a few months?
Give yourself, your characters, and your readers a chance to breathe and take in what's been going on. Downtime after a major plot milestone can help, or even doing some small quests on the side that you can use for setting up future plot points later. Give Lyra more time to grieve and work through her emotions around Bean's decision. Explore that more. Adrenaline is nice, but it gets tiring after a while. Being knocked unconscious for a week or in recovery doesn't count unless you do things with that time; spend time on the characters interacting more informally when there isn't shooting going on. Some of your best moments were earlier on in the story when characters were getting the chance to spend time with Lyra and just TALK, and some of those still moved faster than I would have liked, such as the interactions with Soft Sound. There was a LOT of character interaction going on, but you need to take some deep breaths, slow down, and let that interaction turn into development and growth. We saw Lyra go from a mostly innocent mare who's not very good at firearms to a mother willing to cut her own son's legs off and fire missiles at her erstwhile allies while also repeatedly "cheating" on her husband over the course of a few months. We need time to watch her change that isn't wrapped up in the blood of raiders or rapists or slavers. Some writers spend too much time inside their characters' heads; you need to slow down and spend some more.
The romance felt sudden, really; the bat sorta made sense, given she was in a state of shock and trauma and all that horny. You did some good with the Soft Sound interactions, but some of the mourning felt a bit stilted, and the romance with Bonbon was FAR too fast in my opinion. Who is Bonbon as a character, OUTSIDE of being the obligate medical pony and the backstory given to her for Stable 93? We don't really spend enough time with her as a character outside of how she acts with Lyra; she's not an object, but at times it was close. What's her favorite color? What's she like to do? What does she WANT and desire, and what changes in her over the course of the story? In some ways, I feel like Lyra is right about Bonbon just being a robot that only simulates emotions and intelligence, because I didn't really see a lot of growth in her as a character. Changes happen to Bonbon, but it never felt like she grew into those changes. They just happened.
The action was cool, but Lyra's capabilities grew much, much faster than I expected. She went from appropriately helpless to extremely powerful. I like the clever use of harpstrings as razorwire, and honestly wish that there was much more of that. I'll take creativity over raw power any day of the week, and there were a number of scenes that REALLY played to that strength. USE that, as opposed to pulling an Arbu or whatever with Haven. Arbu was one of the weakest arcs of FO:E, honestly. Anyways, it all ties back into SLOWING down.
It also would have been nice to explore the various factions and villains a bit more. We had Ponysmith as an enemy, but barely met him. Easy was an enemy, but their motivations came off as rather distant or obscure. I liked that what Lyra shared was put to use and bit her and everyone else in the ass, but again, we NEED more time with these characters for them to be real. We had Ponysmith's motives and background explored after the fact, but he was a villain that wasn't really pleasant. Why not have some scenes where we see how he convinced Bean to join him? Show off his charisma and capabilities. Bean has to have REASONS to believe in him. How does a presumably moral character who defends the weak like Soft Sound become the monster that he was and accept the failings of a beast like Ponysmith? What was the grand vision, and the GOOD that he brought to the wasteland? It's like when you're given a choice in a video game between an irredeemably evil faction and a sorta good but shitty faction. A moral person will choose the good faction every time; what's the compelling reason to pick Ponysmith? SHOW us, as readers. Don't just say order. You NEED something extremely compelling to make us overlook the mind control and the slavery and the murder. Etc. Make your factions living, breathing, compelling beings with a positive message.
I liked what you did with Rarity, but we need more. What are some drawbacks? Her inaction was good; but what else? She manages an entire city, what are some slow paced side quests that will let you adapt your characters to the changing circumstances a bit at a time? So on. Again, all this ties back into SLOWING DOWN. Take your time. Fast pace works in short fiction because we're only spending a couple thousand words with the characters; it falls apart when you're asking us to go through upwards of 130k. Hopefully this helps expand on things a little bit.
Take your time, explore things a little slower. Fast pace and action has its place, but so does toning down the action and exploring your characters with quiet, introspective moments and interactions. Not everything has to be blood and guts, and for god's sake DO NOT model your character arcs on FO:E, especially not Arbu. It's a neat fic for what it is, but it has a LOT of weaknesses in terms of the mechanics of storytelling. Kkat built an incredible playground, but her own was not the ideal. If you have the time, I'd highly recommend checking out some other FO:E fics to explore some good examples. Anyways, I'll stop rambling on.
EDIT: I know you were constrained by the choice to skip cryostasis, but 20 years really isn't a long time to allow for the decay and mutations you'd be looking for in terms of things like diamond claws and so on. It felt pretty strange for there only to be a 20 year gap, compared to hundreds of years usually mentioned in other FO content. Still, relatively minor and not something easily changed.
10807598
Thanks for the feedback.
I'll go through these point by point later; I'm not above making this longer. I'm not sure me adding scenes will actually slow it down; they might be very dramatic conversations and world building. But conversations and world building are good.
10807822
Hope it helps!
Does Tempest have a colt in this?
What is "HEA"?
11044597
I don't remember implying that. Did I imply that? It's been a while.
11068166
I don't recall.
TIL people are expected to remember things from novels they wrote, like, a whole year ago.
11068178
lmao i dont recall what i ate today
11068175
No, just asking.
11068476
I don't think Tempest would have a child deliberately like Lyra did.
Still wouldn't rule out her having a son but I'm not sure if she's sexually active and if so who with.
11070418
I’m just saying she could have a colt. She is the type of female to bare a foal like that.
11070742
"Get thee only men children?"
Say... I can't remember if I left a comment here or not, so here goes! Thanks so much for writing this! It's one of my top favorites in the long format "Fallout Equestira" style. I hope to read more of your stuff, or possible sequels if you're up for more. I am constantly amazed that you and other FE writers can come up with so many new angles and storylines constrained to this one world and reality. Keep up the great work and the faith!
11180877
Thank you! I'm poking at this right now, cleaning some stuff up. Thinking about a sequel; I think there needs to be more of this.
Good story. Solid. Strong. Not without tragedy. Begins before the prologue, ends long after the finish, and I mean that in the best way possible; you recognize that painful truth that the stories don't need us, we need the stories, and the most we can do is capture part of that tapestry.
Ugh you're making me sound as pretentious as an author as I actually am but that just goes to show that you did such a good job with this. I see so many more adventures for Lyra, whether she wants them or not; no true happy ending, or ever-after. You didn't force an answer to every question, solve every conflict, and I admire that because that's so goddamn hard to do, and yet keep the story alive. Satisfying. And so good.
Lyra has the potential to be terrifying. Not because she's so powerful, or knows so much. Because she isn't afraid to pull the trigger, where so many other people would hesitate, would stop, or conversely, where they would be consumed by it and would lose themselves.
A really good story. Really really good. You've done wonderfully and really inspired me to work a little harder at getting back to writing myself once I can find the time.
11869670
Thank you! I would like to write more, tho I've fallen off the fanfic thing. It has certainly never occurred to me to make Lyra an antagonist in a future novel. She's a perfect fit for someone in a Fallout 4 DLC.