Act I: Sweetie Swirl (Part 2)
Mareietta: two years, six months, and thirteen days ago
I’d never found my place in Equestria. I hadn’t fit in at all in Horsey, and I’d proven to myself that too much time had passed – I couldn’t go back to Damden, either. It was better to leave it in my past, where I could always treasure the memories. My former friends had moved on, and I needed to too.
But that wasn’t a solution to the problem of what to do with my future. I was lost, drifting through life. Surviving, not thriving. My dreams were just that – dreams that I had no hope of ever achieving.
I was looking for answers, searching for a purpose. Most of all I wanted a place I could truly call my own. I’d heard it said that ‘home is in your heart’ but I already spent too much time living inside my own mind. Reality beckoned.
I’d heard of Earth, of course. One would have needed to be living in Tartarus not to have heard about the newly discovered parallel universe, but I’d never given it more than a passing thought. Leaving Horsey was one thing; leaving Equestria entirely was quite another.
But the flyer for EarthCon arrived in the mail and I browsed it. It was to be the first ever convention for all things human. According to the info in the pamphlet, it would be an opportunity to experience Earth’s technology firsthoof, and even meet some real human celebrities.
I almost tossed the flyer in the trash, but before I did I had an epiphany. What do I have to lose?
The answer had turned out to be hundreds of bits – the train ride there and back, the hotel for several days, and some spending money. I’d arrived in town a day early, specifically so I could reserve a hotel room for the entire three-day event. It turned out I wasn’t the only pony to think of doing such a thing, and the hotel sold out not long after I arrived in town. Some of the other ponies who’d gotten rooms sat around the lobby, trying to find roommates to split the costs with, but I had no interest in doing so. I’d picked a room with only one bed – I’d come to see humans, not other ponies. I’d seen enough ponies to last me a lifetime, and frankly I didn’t like what I’d seen of them.
Once I’d checked into the hotel, I had the rest of the day free, since the activities wouldn’t start until the next day. Since it was summertime, and Mareietta was much further south than Horsey, it was much hotter and more humid than I was used to. I decided to spend the day in the hotel’s pool, only to find that it was overcrowded. I wasn’t in the mood to interact with anypony, so I returned to my room and stared out the window. Which meant I was paying attention when a pair of trucks pulled up to the hotel, each towing a trailer.
Having never seen a human vehicle up close before, I looked down and calculated that I could safely teleport the distance from my room’s balcony to the ground below. Seconds later I was staring at the vehicles as they parked in front of the hotel. They were much, much bigger than they’d looked from my room, decorated with stripes and a blue oval with human lettering inside. What they were towing was more interesting, however, as tarps were removed from the trailers to unveil a pair of cars, both of which had a shiny chrome pony galloping across the front.
With a rumble, the two pony-decorated cars drove off the trailers, and across the grass to an area behind the hotel. I galloped after them, noting with dismay that the vehicles emitted a noxious odor. A paved road had been set up on the hotel’s property, running in a quarter mile oval-shaped circuit.
The cars parked on the tarmac, and the humans quickly set up velvet rope around the vehicles. The cars attracted quite a crowd – the hotel’s guests, staff, and even ponies from the surrounding town had all come over to see the alien vehicles.
The pickups, meanwhile, were parked front and center in front of the hotel, while the trailers were removed and sat neglected off to the side of the building. Ponies clamored around the massive trucks. There was writing on the side, though I hadn’t started studying any of the human languages yet so I couldn’t read it, but it appeared to have a solitary letter and a trio of numbers following it. My first impression was that the vehicles were huge. The cars looked appropriately-sized for the humans driving them, but the trucks looked comically large next to the humans who’d gotten out of them, and absolutely ridiculous next to the ponies gathered around them. I couldn’t help but take a picture of the truck with the crowd of ponies next to it – a family of five could easily live in it. It could probably seat about twenty ponies comfortably for a long trip, and that’s not even counting how many could squeeze into the open storage bed behind the passenger cab.
With so many ponies around, I started to feel nervous, but the crowd mostly ignored me. After being bumped into for the third time, I teleported back to my room so I could continue observing, but limit my interactions with others.
Things continued picking up as the day wore on. The next major event was the arrival of Mistmane. As one of the Pillars of Equestria, she attracted quite a bit of attention. I didn’t bother making a fuss, preferring to continue observing from afar.
A steady stream of ponies continued their colorful parade into the hotel, with assorted other creatures mixed in – a minotaur here, a griffon there. It wasn’t just ponies who were interested in Earth. Humans continued showing up as well, and they attracted crowds wherever they went. I couldn’t help but wonder how many of them were nameless peons like me, completely unaccustomed to being the center of attention. It stood to reason that the real celebrities would have entourages with them, people who could divert the crowd away from them.
Another truck pulled up to the hotel, this one dwarfing the two pickups. It pulled a colorful trailer behind it, and even from my room on the fourteenth floor, I felt the rumble when the vehicles inside started up. Ponies scattered from the obnoxiously loud noise, ears flattened. If nothing else, I’d just learned a new trick to get ponies to leave me alone: make a loud noise to spook them.
Two bright blue cars pulled out of the trailer, both decorated in what I guessed were racing graphics. The cars were parked next to the ‘galloping pony’ cars, while the truck loomed over the pickups that I’d previously marveled at. If the pickups could comfortably hold twenty ponies, the truck and trailer combined could easily contain an entire village.
I debated teleporting down to check out the larger truck and decided against it. It was like the other ones, but bigger. Humans seem obsessed with size. Bigger isn’t always better. I thought back to all the massive earth ponies I knew in Horsey and shuddered. The mares who like muscular, hunky stallions have never been bullied by them. I’ll take a frail, scrawny stallion, thank you very much. I sighed at the thought – that was assuming I could ever find a stallion who’d accept me for me. Maybe I should try wiggling my flank in front of some Ogres & Oubliettes nerd… Is it too much to ask for love? Or have I lived in Horsey for so long that I don’t have any self-esteem left? You can only hear how worthless you are so many times before you start believing it.
I looked in the mirror. I was petite – more so even than the average unicorn mare. Of course none of the stallions gave me even a passing glance – I didn’t jiggle in the right places. No muscles, no fat, just skin and bones. None of those stallions had ever even looked at me like I was a mare.
The feelings I’d struggled with for years threatened to overwhelm me, alone in a hotel room fourteen floors in the sky. Useless. Hornhead. Foreigner. Worthless. The Little One. The taunts I’d heard so many times echoed in my mind with nothing to distract me from them. Horsey was hundreds of miles away, so there was nopony to outwit for my continued well-being. I’d left my needlepoint at home, so I couldn’t even relax with my hobby.
My special talent is useless, I have no friends, and my interests lie in areas nopony else seems to care about. Everypony loves eating ice cream, nopony but me gives a flying feather about its history. What can I list as accomplishments from my school years? Surviving? Manipulating my classmates and playing them against one another? Helping Shoofly Pie pass? I pondered that. No, my greatest accomplishment is opening Shoofly’s mind. It might be the only thing I ever do of merit, but that relies on her keeping her mind open now that I’m not there to help her think outside the box.
I stared out the window, not paying attention to what was going on outside. Maybe I can make something of myself on Earth. Earth, that’s why I’m here. Earth to Sweetie Marie Swirl, snap out of it.
My eyes started focusing on what was going on outside again. The sun was noticeably lower in the sky than it had been when I’d last been paying attention. I wobbled on my legs a bit and leaned against the wall. It was too early for bed, and being alone with my thoughts was the last thing I wanted. As much as I hated the idea of socializing, I had a sudden desire to be around other ponies.
I locked my hotel room behind me and walked down fourteen flights of stairs to the hotel’s lobby. Once there, I leaned against a pillar observing the world going on without me. It doesn’t matter if I’m alive or dead. Life goes on. No one here would care if I left right now. If I just started walking, no one would miss me. Tartarus, even my parents wouldn’t care. I’m such a disappointment to them. I graduated early from high school and then got fired from every job willing to hire an inexperienced mare with an ice cream cutie mark who can’t actually make ice cream. Even the chocolate factory won’t take me. They have all the unicorns they need – my parents.
The change of scenery wasn’t helping. I sat on the ground, no longer feeling stable leaning against the pillar for support. Even in the open lobby, it felt like the world was closing in on me. A hundred thousand ponies, all telling me why I was a failure.
I snapped out of it when I felt something on my back. I turned to look, and a blonde-haired human was resting her hand there. There was concern in her eyes and she asked in perfect Equestrian, “Are you okay?”
I nodded my head. “Just…lost in thought.” It wasn’t a lie.
“You looked like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. Sometimes it helps to have a gentle reminder that you’re not alone.”
She moved her hand toward my ears and I didn’t object as she started scratching me. As much as I normally loathed being touched unexpectedly, she’d waited for permission, so I didn’t mind. Plus, it felt wonderful. My ear flicked involuntarily as she scratched. I had to forcibly stop myself from thumping one of my hind legs.
“Tell me about yourself.”
“I don’t like crowds.”
“Understandable. So what’s so important that you’re out here braving all these ponies?”
“Earth.” Oh gosh, I sound so stupid. Here I am talking to a real life human and I’m tripping over my words. Come on, Sweetie, you’re smarter than this. You can make it through a simple conversation with a stranger. “I want to learn more. I’m thinking of going across the portal.”
“Why’s that?” Her hand never left my ear.
“I need a change of scenery. I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I don’t think I’m going to find it in Equestria. I might not find it on Earth either, but I feel like I’ve got to try.”
“That’s as good an explanation as any. But oftentimes folks find the very thing they’re looking for is a lot closer than they think it is.”
“I don’t feel like I belong in Equestria. At the very least, I know I don’t belong in the town where I lay my horseshoes. I think the place I truly belong is long gone. Since I can’t go back to the past, all I can do is look to the future, and Earth is the future. It’s intimidating, but the ponies positioned to succeed in tomorrow’s Equestria are the ones willing to embrace change, especially technology.”
“Wise words. I don’t know if you’ll find what you’re looking for on Earth, but you’ve got the right mindset. Keep an open mind and you’ll go far.”
“With all your technology, I bet you’ve solved all of Earth’s problems.”
“Not as much as you’d expect. Technology brings its own set of problems. What’s funny is I know some folks who think you’ve solved all of Equestria’s problems with magic. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”
“There must be an earth pony living on the other side of that fence.”
She chuckled. “I hope you’re feeling better.”
“I am. Who are you?”
“You can call me Molly. I’ll be around all weekend if you have any questions.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome and have a good evening.”
“You too!” If all humans are like her, I don’t think I’ll ever come back to Equestria.
She moved on, and so did I.
Mareietta: two years, six months, and twelve days ago
EarthCon was the first of its kind. The closest thing I could think to compare it to was the Daring Do conventions I’d heard of ponies going to. The company putting on the convention had years of experience hosting similar events on Earth, but this was new for them too.
They’d lined up celebrity guests and invited companies to set up their wares in a vendor hall. They had dozens of panels to attend, and the car company was giving rides in their cars on the makeshift track they’d constructed. With so many choices, I had no idea what to do first. So I wandered into the opening ceremonies.
Mistmane was on stage and well into a speech. “…Starswirl’s spell. It was culture shock, but most of us endured. With the exception of Rockhoof, we all adapted to our new environment quickly. While those of you who choose to venture across the portal probably won’t lose a thousand years in the process, you’ll experience a similar culture shock. Rockhoof eventually came around too. I want all of you to congratulate yourselves. You’re the early adapters. Yes, the downside to that means you also get to be the trial and error test phase. Mistakes will be made by everyone, but you have a leg up on your peers by embracing change instead of waiting for it to come to you.”
The auditorium was too crowded for my liking, so I decided to check out the vendor hall instead. It hadn’t opened yet, so I took a spot in line, not knowing what to expect when the room finally opened. I’d managed to save up a few bits from my string of dead-end jobs, mostly due to still living at home with my parents – I’d brought all of them with me. If nothing struck my fancy, they could all go back in the bank when I got home. But I reasoned it was better to have them and not need them, then to find something I truly wanted to buy and have all my money hundreds of miles away.
There was no rhyme or reason to the ponies waiting in line with me. There was diversity on a level I’d not seen since living in Damden – earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, and assorted other creatures. I’d gotten pretty good at recognizing accents from all the summertime visits to HorseyPark, as I’d conversed with unicorns from all around the country. I recognized Canterlot, Las Pegasus, and Appleoosa accents immediately, and I had to stop myself from jumping out of line to converse with the Canterlotians. There were ponies from all walks of life, including a posh Manehattanite and an elderly pear farmer. A Canterlotian heiress and her ‘stuff holder’, and a portly pegasus stallion who probably hadn’t gotten off the ground in years.
“I’m so excited!”
“Me too,” I replied, striking up a conversation with the griffin waiting in line next to me. “I’m Sweetie Swirl.”
“I’m Gabby! I’ve been waiting for this day for months! I can’t wait to go across the portal!”
I hadn’t known a griffin in a decade, but my memories of Gladys, while dimmed from age, certainly painted a different picture of them. I remembered Gladys as acting tough, and always bragging about her accomplishments. The way she talked of Griffinstone made it sound like that’s how all griffins behaved. But Gabby sounded more like a pony than most ponies I knew.
“What are you most looking forward to?”
“Everything!” she gushed. She lowered her voice. “I never fit in back home in Griffinstone. Everygriff is so grumpy and crotchety. You ponies are lucky that you never have to worry about that since you all get along so well with one another.”
I decided not to shatter her illusion of pony society. “Ponies are very welcoming. You’d fit in fine in my hometown of Damden.”
“As much as I love living around ponies, I want to experience something new. I might like living amongst humans even more! If not, I can always come home to Equestria. Maybe I’ll even check out Damden.”
“There’s a griffin-specific restaurant in town. It serves meat. I’m guessing that’s something you don’t find in too many pony towns.”
She laughed. “You’re right, and while I do miss eating meat sometimes, that’s not as big a deal for me as it is for other griffs. Still, that’s a point in favor of Damden. I like to keep my options open. All I care about is that I live someplace where folks know how to have fun, and aren’t always grouchy meanies.”
“Avoid Horsey.”
She gasped. “The place where they make all the chocolate?”
I nodded. “Nopony there has a sense of humor. Also, you’d be the only griffin, so they’d mock you. Unless you were to start eating them – that would shut them up pretty quickly. If you want to do that, I’ve got a list of ponies you can start with…”
She chuckled. “That bad?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Point made and taken. I guess ponies don’t always fit in, either.”
I sighed. “Nope. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”
She wrapped a wing around me. “Us Equestrian misfits have to stick together!”
I tensed at the contact and relaxed as soon as I realized it was an embrace.
“Oh, sorry. Most ponies I know like hugs.”
“I do too. I just like to know they’re coming first.” I wrapped my forelegs around her as she dropped her wing.
The vendor hall opened before either of us could make things more awkward, but I was fairly confident I’d just made my first new friend in years. I marveled at the wares on display as I trotted into the hall. The first booth was run by a company called Panasonic. They had a magic box on display that could heat food almost instantly. It was called a ‘microwave’ and they planned an entire product line of pony-friendly appliances under the brand name Ponysonic.
Unfortunately, the only thing they had to demonstrate it with was cans of Taco Bell refried beans. They smelled awful and tasted even worse, if such a thing was even possible. The repugnant food didn’t even look appealing – it was mostly brown lumps that looked more like it was regurgitated than refried. I really hope this isn’t typical human food.
Next to the microwave was a gadget known as a television, which played moving pictures like a movie, except in the convenience of your own home. There was a note that the infrastructure for television stations would take years to implement, and that it would work best with pre-recorded content, conveniently the company also offered a Blu-ray player. Each individual movie would need to be purchased separately.
The next booth was a pony who’d made plush human dolls. She was doing brisk business as ponies snapped up her wares, desperate for a cuddly human of their own. The mare had a number of designs available, though the most popular was an overweight male that looked quite snuggly with his plump middle. She even had a life-size human plush for sale – a petite female, at a staggering thousand bits. Amazingly, ponies were placing orders with her to make life-sized versions of the hefty male for twice the price.
I quickly moved on – I wasn’t her market demographic. I’d consider picking up one of the smaller plushes if any were left available after I made it around the vendor hall, but I was more interested in what humans had brought with them to sell.
Sadly, as I perused the booths, it seemed that all of the human companies had brought demonstrator units, and nothing that was officially for sale. The electronics weren’t yet compatible with pony electrical current. Other items were scheduled for production, but only if there was enough interest from ponies. But the most commonly cited reason was ‘for legal purposes’ as the companies had lawyers working through what they could and couldn’t legally sell in Equestria. Technically, nothing was supposed to be sold prior to the official opening of the portal two and a half years hence.
So it was the pony vendors who were making bits. I discovered another plush maker, who’d made hundreds of miniature humans that were only fifty bits each. Next to her was a vendor offering buttons and pins with pictures of famous people and places on Earth. I browsed through the pins, as the architecture and landscapes interested me far more than the humans. I bought a pin shaped like a palace, and the vendor explained it was the Taj Mahal. A human at the next booth corrected her pronunciation, but neither of us could quite say it the way he had. The words didn’t roll off our tongues. I cringed as I realized that if I wanted to move to Earth, I’d need to learn the language and that meant getting the pronunciations right too.
There was a door to the outside, and the booth closest to it was for Ford Motor Company. I recognized the blue oval and galloping pony emblems from the previous day – this was the company responsible for bringing the cars and trucks. The cars were called Mustangs, and the company was giving rides in them all weekend. Since their products were too big to fit in the room, the company had multiple televisions set up demonstrating their entire vehicle range in action. The Mustangs were shown racing around tracks and city streets, while trucks were shown crossing streams and blazing trails off road.
I wasn’t the only pony mesmerized by the videos. So many moving pictures at once was overstimulation. I had to force myself to focus on one video at a time.
While none of the vehicles they’d brought were available for purchase – Equestria had firmly rejected allowing the sale of anything gasoline-powered out of environmental concerns, Ford had customizable souvenirs for visitors to take home. I picked up a shirt with the Mustang logo customized to look like me – pink with blue, pink, and orange hair, and my cutie mark. They had a human at the booth who took a picture of my cutie mark, then transposed the image onto the shirt design, then printed it. The camera didn’t print out the photo, but it stored it in the camera, which was connected to the computer. I was fortunate to be early, because the line for shirts had backed up behind me.
The next booth revealed a 3D printer, and several of the pony vendors were paying very close attention to how it made items. I could see bits in their eyes as they pondered the money they’d earn from owning such a device. If I were interested in staying in Equestria and going into business for myself, I’d have paid more attention to it also. But neither thought appealed to me. I wasn’t looking for reasons to stay in Equestria, and I certainly wasn’t a businessmare, nor did I want to become one. Self-employed ponies risked their own money and worked long hours. If one calculated what they made per hour worked, most times it came out well below what they’d make working some mundane nine-to-five job. That was the tradeoff to being your own boss. Some ponies thought it was worth it, but I wasn’t one of them. I’d probably just get a job with some big company on Earth – thanks to EarthCon, I already had a bunch of possibilities.
I just need to market myself. I need to convince a human to take a chance on a fresh out of school pony with no experience. How am I ever going to convince someone else to hire me when I have no self-esteem? I get tongue-tied whenever I try to talk myself up – it’s like my brain locks up whenever it has to direct my mouth to say good things about myself. Yet I have no problem leaping to somepony else’s aid.
I backtracked a couple of tables – I needed to get my mind on something else. I looked through the tiny human dolls and eventually grabbed one that I liked: an adorable girl with curly hair and wearing a sundress. The doll’s maker told me it was patterned after a human named Shirley Temple. I levitated little Shirley onto my horn and tied her there with a piece of string. I don’t care if I look foolish, now I can just look up at my horn human any time I start thinking bad thoughts and little Shirley will make me smile.
While none of the corporations were allowed to sell anything in Equestria, that didn’t prevent them from offering free samples. A human handed me a free bottle of shampoo as I walked past the table for Mane ‘n Tail. I also picked up a free bottle of a beverage called Coca-Cola. Unfortunately, there were no ice cream companies represented in the vendor hall. Of course, the thing I was most anxious to try was completely absent.
The vendor hall started getting crowded as the opening ceremonies had drawn to a close. I finished my circuit of the room, a little quicker than I would’ve liked. But if the vendor hall was where all the ponies were, I wanted to be elsewhere. I pulled the schedule of events from my saddlebag and checked the time. There were no panels I was interested in until later in the day, so I decided to get lunch. I was just going to eat in the hotel’s café, but then Gabby waved me over and introduced me to some ponies she’d just met, and invited me to join them at Hayburger.
I fought the urge to turn tail and gallop away. This isn’t Horsey, and they actually want to be friends. Gabby’s nice. Way too outgoing, but nice. She wouldn’t lead me into a trap. “Okay, I’m in.”
Hayburger was only a few blocks away and we trotted – I felt self-conscious about that, the lone unicorn amongst a griffin and pegasi, they could’ve flown if I wasn’t there. There were plenty of unoccupied tables, but Gabby sat down with a blue earth pony who looked like she was ready to gallop away at the sight of the griffin and her entourage.
“Hi! I’m Gabby! Are you here for EarthCon? We’re all here for EarthCon!”
“I’m, um, Sweet Stuff. Yes, I’m looking at moving to Earth.”
“I’m Kerfuffle, don’tcha know.” The pegasus was missing one of her hind legs and had a prosthetic in its place. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about human medical science and I’m hoping they can fix me up a bit better than Equestria could. My friend Torque Wrench did her best, bless her heart, but she’s not a doctor.”
“Hi, I’m Whizzer! Fastest pony in Hooveston! Well, I was.” She motioned to her clipped wings. “I kept having accidents and eventually I hit the mayor as he was walking down the street… The sheriff grounded me.”
“That’s awful.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say – taking a pegasus’ flight would be like forcing me to wear a horn inhibitor to strip me of my magic. I’d done so in gym class, but couldn’t imagine having to wear one for an entire year. I couldn’t think of anything worse.
“I had to miss the Wonderbolts tryouts this year, and I’m so behind on my practicing that I probably won’t make it to next year’s either. So while I’ve been grounded I got into Earth big time. I mean, who isn’t interested in humans and all their crazy technology?”
They looked expectantly at me. “I’m Sweetie Swirl.” Ack, what do I say? These are ponies with real problems. I’m just shy and awkward and unlikeable. “I’m not really good at interacting with other ponies.” I stared down at my half-eaten hayburger in shame. “I spend most of my time trying to avoid social interactions at all cost. Ponies back home don’t like me.”
Instead of dismissing my problems as pathetic like I expected, the others offered me encouragement.
“Me too,” said Sweet Stuff. “Ponies take advantage of me all the time. I remember back in school whenever we’d play games at recess the others always made me be the goalpost.”
“I know the feeling. I was smaller and weaker than anypony in my class back in Horsey. They picked on me all the time, but I spent most of my free time running away from them rather than trying to interact with them.”
“It’s okay, the two of you are among friends!”
“Whizzer’s right, don’tcha know. We may have only just met, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t care. Sometimes you’ve gotta look around a bit to find your place in this world.”
“I told you, us Equestrian misfits have to stick together!” Gabby dragged us all into a hug.
I’d already had more hugs in one day than I had in the last three years, and I had a hunch that if I kept hanging around Gabby that number was only going to go up. I changed the subject as best I could to break the embrace. “Sweet Stuff, do you have any nicknames? It’s going to be mighty confusing having a Sweet Stuff and a Sweetie Swirl.”
She chuckled. “It’s going to get even more confusing, I like being called ‘Sweetie’. So when somepony calls for you, I’m going to turn and look too.”
“Even your initials are the same, so we can’t even break it up by S.S. and S. S.” Gabby tapped a claw to her beak in thought.
“Well, you’ve only got room for one Sweetie, so I’ll be going now.” Sweet Stuff stood up to go.
Before she could leave I latched onto her tail with my magic. “I only just met everyone else here today, so I hope I speak for us all when I say that that’s not how this group rolls.”
“I’ll agree to that!” Gabby slapped a talon on the table.
“Me too!” Kerfuffle put her hoof on Gabby’s claws.
“I’m gonna lose my speedy reputation for not being the first hoof on the table in support! But I agree to that too!” Whizzer added her hoof to the pile and I did so too.
Eight expectant eyes turned to Sweet Stuff.
“Well… I guess if you want me to stick around… it’s not like I’m doing anything else at the moment. Oh stars, I’m so bad at this.”
I patted her hoof. “Me too. We can be the Socially Awkward Sweeties Society. SASS for short.”
That got a chuckle out of her. “I’m not sure I’m sassy enough for that.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got the sarcasm covered. It’s a free service I offer.”
“All right, I’m in. What are the membership dues?”
“Five bits to get in, five hundred bits to get out.” That cracked everypony up. “You laugh now, but eventually you’ll pay that price because you’ll realize it’s worth it to get away from me.”
“Stop saying things like that. Nopony’s going to sing your praises for you. You have to be bold like a Wonderbolt!” Whizzer shifted her wings into a launch position, even though with her wings clipped, she had as much chance of getting off the ground as I did. “Has anypony ever told you that you’re too self-deprecating?”
“No, mostly because they’re the ones saying these things about me in the first place.”
Gabby pulled me into another embrace. “I’m going to keep hugging you until you feel valued.”
I gasped in mock horror. “Oh no, affection! My one weakness! I shall build a wall of sarcasm to save me!”
“It isn’t very effective.” Kerfuffle flapped her wings and flew over the imaginary wall, adding herself to the embrace.
Whizzer and Sweet Stuff piled into the hug and we just stayed there for minutes, hugging. As much as I hated to admit it, it did make me feel a bit better.
We’d spent three hours at Hayburger just talking. No wonder her name’s Gabby. I’d come to EarthCon with the intent of talking to humans; I certainly hadn’t anticipated befriending Equestrians. If nothing else it proved to me that I was still capable of making friends, something I’d been doubting for years. Maybe I’m not the problem. Maybe it really is my environment. I allowed myself to be optimistic.
Time would tell if I’d drive them away or not. I’d had friends in Damden, but we’d fallen out of touch one-by-one as the months dragged by after my move to Horsey. The first wave of letters I wrote got replies, it was the subsequent replies that saw fewer and fewer responses. Life went on, and without being there with my friends, it was difficult to remain relevant in their lives. I’d never managed to make friends in Horsey – at least not in my own age bracket. I certainly considered Lickety-Split a friend, though it was more a proprietor-client relationship. We’d never spent any time together outside her ice cream shop, and while I’d demonstrated a knack for coming up with new flavors and tweaking existing recipes, I’d shown no talent in actually making ice cream, so she hadn’t let me apprentice with her. Which was for the best – she’d lost business because I’d patronized her shop, if I was working there it would probably go out of business entirely.
I’d more-or-less driven my parents out of my life despite living under the same roof as them. They changed after moving to Horsey, adapting to their new surroundings surprisingly well. It didn’t matter that their coworkers picked on them constantly, they rolled with it. I didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t accept those same taunts coming from my classmates. Those classmates would complain about the sole unicorn in their lives to their parents, who in turn would complain about me to my parents. My sire and dam then made sure I heard about it when they got home from work. My own grievances went ignored in favor of the herd’s words. Having ponies around that genuinely enjoyed spending time with me was a nearly forgotten feeling.
The concept of me being a trendsetter would’ve caused everypony back in Horsey to roll on the floor in laughter, but I returned to the convention hall to discover I didn’t look as foolish as I’d originally thought. I had no idea whether I’d started a trend, or if a bunch of unicorns all came to the same independent conclusion, but ‘horn humans’ was a thing. I reached a hoof up to little Shirley, assuring myself that she hadn’t fallen off during my trot to and from Hayburger. The string holding her in place was still intact, and the doll remained securely tied to my horn.
There were long lines to get autographs from the human celebrities, so I only had time to get one – King Richard Petty of NASCAR. I had plenty of time to browse through the convention’s brochure while I waited, including the maps of Earth that had been printed within – try as I might, I couldn’t locate the country of NASCAR anywhere. It was probably a tiny kingdom, which would explain why the king could take a week away from his country to come to an event on a different world entirely.
King Petty didn’t speak Equestrian, and there was no translator. When I got to the front of the line he offered a smile and ten seconds of calligraphy. While I couldn’t read his signature, it was certainly very squiggly and elaborate, befitting royalty.
With another smile I was quickly dismissed, and the next pony in line received their autograph. I checked the con book again – there was a concert going on in the hotel’s courtyard, so I headed there. Lena Hall was already on stage when I arrived. Unlike King Petty, Lena spoke Equestrian, and was performing a one-person play for the audience, alternating between short skits and singing. It was interesting hearing her switch between conversing to the audience in Equestrian, then singing in her native tongue.
Rather than take a seat I remained standing in the back, away from the crowd. I stayed for half a dozen songs and two skits before turning my attention to other things. I could’ve stayed there watching her all day, but there were too many other things I wanted to do.
The convention also offered panels on various topics – some were hosted by ponies, while others were hosted by humans. I decided to go to one of the latter. I was still wearing my customized-to-look-like-me Mustang t-shirt, so I trotted to Ford Motor Company’s product seminar.
It was sparsely attended compared to the concert. Ponies weren’t as enthralled by the cars as much as they were music. The vehicles had managed to capture my attention, and the nice people working Ford’s booth in the vendor hall had also made a great impression. It only seemed fair that I listen to their sales pitch. I took a seat in the front row as curious ponies continued trickling in.
A human male stood up, with a pony translator by his side.
“Hi, my name’s Rob. I work for Ford. As you probably noticed we make cars and trucks. Mostly trucks these days. I understand Equestria has a heavily agrarian culture, and pickup trucks are the perfect vehicle for farm work. But we offer more than just trucks.”
Images started projecting on a screen behind him. “Our company was started by Henry Ford more than a century ago. Our first car was the 1903 Model A, seen here. But it was the 1908 Model T that made Ford a household name. During this iconic car’s model run, more than half the cars in the United States were Fords. Here are some other significant heritage models from the following decades.” More images popped up on the screen, showing the evolution of cars. “In 1964, Ford introduced a car that remains one of our core products, the Mustang.” More images flashed behind him. “Now in its sixth generation, the Mustang is an American icon. We brought along two of them this weekend and we’re offering rides in them.” He chuckled. “Consider them pony rides. Furthermore, when this convention is over, we’re donating both Mustangs to Equestria. The convertible will be going to a museum in Canterlot, while the coupe will be going to the Manehattan Museum of Modern Art.”
The slide changed again, showing a bigger, more rugged vehicle. “While not Ford’s first truck, in 1948 Ford brought out the F-1, the very first F-Series truck. In the decades since, this has become Ford’s best-selling vehicle, and it’s available in a number of different configurations. This is the basic F-150, and we offer the Super Duty which is a heavier duty truck customizable to suit nearly any job that needs to be done. In a few years we’ll offer an electric F-150, which we anticipate having to market a year or two after the portal opens for traffic. So start saving up your bits!”
The slides changed once again. “We also offer an array of sport utility vehicles and crossovers for families and those who occasionally need to haul things like sheets of plywood or bags of mulch. The Ford Escape, Ford Edge, Ford Explorer, and Ford Expedition. We’re still determining what vehicles we’re going to sell here, but for those of you going to Earth this is our full product line.”
Rob cleared his throat. “Now that I’ve got that out of the way, it’s with much excitement that I announce that Ford will be bringing back the Bronco. This seems like the correct venue to make this announcement. We anticipate this model going on sale in late 2020.”
There was stomping of hooves, even if none of us actually knew what the Bronco was. Pictures of various trucks decorated the slideshow behind the speaker, and he explained they showed pictures of previous Broncos.
“At the present time, we have no plans to reintroduce the Pinto.”
A picture of a cute little car with a big red ‘X’ through it appeared on the screen behind him.
The humans in the room laughed as the line was translated for the rest of us. While the humans weren’t impressed, most of the ponies seemed intrigued by the little car – it was much more in lines with equine tastes as it was small, and looked old and quaint compared to the blobby cars and gigantic trucks that had been in the previous slides. It was perfectly pony-sized.
“I’d buy a Pinto.”
“Me too!”
The translator started explaining what the ponies were saying to the Ford executive and his face paled as more ponies started placing orders for Pintos.
“I’m going to have to run this past our executive team in Dearborn. But am I to understand small hatchbacks like this are cars you’d be interested in?”
There was stomping.
“How many of you would buy this?”
A picture of a Mustang was shown and there were quite a few stomps of approval.
“The F-Series pickups? This is Ford’s best-selling vehicle.”
One of the massive trucks parked outside was shown, and a few earth ponies stomped, all of whom appeared to be farmers, along with one diminutive red pegasus stallion who was likely trying to compensate for his short stature.
“This?”
One of the Broncos was shown, and there were a few stomps of approval.
“Lastly, the Pinto?”
The stomping was the loudest.
He said a few words that weren’t translated by the interpreter and the presentation ended quickly, with no follow-up questions.
Well, that didn’t go well.
It was getting close to dinner time but I was still full from lunch. I trotted out of the room, and back into the vendor hall. I’d rushed through the last half earlier, and wanted to see if I’d missed anything on my initial pass.
The first booth was a seamstress. Her banner boldly proclaimed ‘Don’t go to Earth naked!’ and pictured a white unicorn with purple hair strategically covering herself as humans pointed and laughed at her.
“Howdy, friend. My name’s Suri Polomare. What’s yours?”
“Sweetie.”
“What can I do you for, Sweetie?” She had the same fake smile I’d seen in Horsey so many times. It was the smile of a pony looking to con a tourist out of their hard-earned bits. It was a look of a pony who’d sell her own foal if she thought she could make enough of a profit. She was a pony to avoid.
“Your cashbox would be a good down payment. We can settle up after the con; you should be able to earn enough by then to afford me.” Her jaw opened and closed a few times as I moved on to the next table.
It was for a company called MasterCard that offered a magic plastic rectangle that would pay for things if you didn’t have any bits on you. Buy now, pay later. With interest, if the amount wasn’t paid off by the end of the billing cycle. This is just taking advantage of ponies who are bad at math. I kept trotting.
The next booth had my attention – a human artist was drawing ponies. There was a long queue, so I didn’t bother getting in line, but it was interesting watching him work nonetheless. His fingers were dexterous, manipulating the pencil as easily as I could with my magic.
It quickly became apparent as to why there was such a long line – the prints were free. Like the other human vendors, he couldn’t legally sell anything, so the convention had paid him a set fee to just draw all weekend. They were quick sketches, certainly not portraits to hang on the wall, but how many ponies could say they’d been drawn by a human artist?
The next booth was the most interesting yet – it was for the newly opened embassy in Canterlot for the country of Monaco, the country that had helped introduce Equestria to the humans. The human there was passing out pamphlets for her country, and she had a pair of ponies next to her answering questions from curious Equestrians.
I took a pamphlet and introduced myself to Monaco. Any hopes of relocating there were dashed nearly immediately – it was a very small country, and a very rich one. They were advertising themselves as a tourist destination, and offering special deals for Equestrians, including vacations in advance of the portal’s official opening. Even with the offered discounts, it was well out of my budget, a sentiment echoed by many of the others around me. They were also offering an exchange program to ponies who met certain academic conditions. I met every qualification except one – since my principal had graduated me early to get rid of me, I was no longer in school, and hence ineligible. Phooey.
The next booth had no crowd at all – it was for Apple, some kind of computer company. Ponies took one look at the various gizmos on display and retreated as quickly as possible. Ponies are curious about technology, but this is too much for most of them. There was a gadget with a screen and a board with human lettering attached. I couldn’t read any of it, though, as was the case for almost all attendees of the con. Very few ponies had learned human languages due to a lack of teachers.
They also had a portable phone on display. Capable of being taken anywhere, so you could talk to ponies no matter where you were. I couldn’t think of a device I’d want less. I don’t even like conversing with someone when I’m in the same room with them, why would I want to talk to them when I’m miles away from them?
I continued making a reverse circuit of the vendor hall from the path I’d taken earlier. The line to get a customized Mustang t-shirt was longer than the line for the artist, and between the two items I liked the shirt better, so by some amazing stroke of good luck I’d picked the right way to go earlier. Continuing back the way I’d originally come, the vendor who had the little dolls had put out more of them to replenish her inventory. I immediately recognized the lady I’d talked to the previous day, and fifty bits couldn’t come out of my saddlebag quick enough. I doubled it when I saw she had King Petty as well, complete with his hat and sunglasses. Of all the potential things I was expecting to walk out of here with, I never would’ve guessed I’d buy silly little dolls. But they were so cute I couldn’t resist.
I didn’t have enough room on my head to tie either of my new acquisitions to my horn, so I put them in my saddlebag, with their heads peeking out so they could look around.
I was so engrossed with that I didn’t even notice a human was standing next to me. I did a double-take – it wasn’t a human, but rather a mare standing on her hind legs, walking around in sneakers. There was no clip-clop of her hooves as she walked, the footgear muffling all sounds entirely. No wonder they call them ‘sneakers’! “Does that hurt?”
“A bit,” she replied. “Ponies aren’t meant to bend this way. I can only go a few steps at a time.”
“Where did you get sneakers?”
“I couldn’t buy any, so I traded for them.”
I hadn’t even thought to bring things with me for bartering – this wasn’t the Rainbow Falls Traders Exchange. At least it isn’t supposed to be… But if I can’t buy things… I’d seen a Barnyard Bargains outside town. If there was something a human wanted from Equestria, I could go buy it and then trade it for… But for what, exactly? I pondered that question as I returned to my room.
Mareietta: two years, six months, and eleven days ago
I was up before dawn to try and get a ride in a Mustang. Considering just how many late night events the convention hosted, I felt it was reasonable to expect there to be less of a line at that hour. I was wrong. Almost everypony else had had the exact same idea. Dozens of ponies had even waited in line overnight.
Waiting my turn gave me plenty of time to observe things so I’d know what to expect when I finally got my ride. An oval test track had been constructed out of a novel new material known as tarmacadam, or tarmac for short. It was a much smoother surface than the cobblestone paths Equestrian cities were known for. Think about how much nicer our cities could be with such a road surface!
They had two cars. One was completely enclosed, like a carriage, while the other had an open top, like a wagon. The former was bright blue, while the latter was burgundy. I had more than an hour to observe both of them stationary, before the line started moving and the first ponies were given rides for the day. The Mustangs were exceedingly loud, and emitted a foul-smelling smoke. I spent the next several hours watching both cars zip around the track, inching ever closer to my own ride.
It was nearly noon by the time I was finally called, and the first thing I noticed as I trotted to the red Mustang was that tarmac gets hot in the sun. It wasn’t hot enough to burn the frogs of my hooves, but it was warm enough to be uncomfortable. Perhaps it isn’t the solution to Equestria’s roads after all. I wouldn’t want to spend hours trotting on this in the summer, that’s for sure.
The human driver introduced herself as I strapped myself into a pony-friendly harness that would keep me secured to the seat in the event of an accident. It was substantially different from the seatbelt the driver was using.
Once I was buckled up she floored it, and the car squealed the tires as it raced toward the first corner. I’d been fortunate enough to get the open car, and my mane whipped in the wind as we tore around the track. It was a short track, and the ride lasted five laps – that was about how long it would take to get the next pony in line strapped into the blue hardtop.
As the drivers had done on the final lap for every pony before me, they turned the car sideways, smoking the tires as the car drifted through the turns. If I hadn’t been expecting it, it would’ve thrown me for a loop. Instead it reminded me of the rides at HorseyPark. While not as thrilling as a rollercoaster, it certainly promised to completely revolutionize Equestrian travel.
The ride, as expected, was too short. Like the amusement park, it was hours of waiting for minutes of fun. A completely unproductive waste of time. The Mustang was loud and smelly, yet I wanted one badly.
It was almost noon as I trotted away from the track. My stomach was growling and I walked to the Hayburger. Not my first choice for lunch, especially two days in a row, but it was close, fast, and cheap.
“Welcome to Hayburger, home of the Hayburger.” The corporate greeting was as redundant in Mareietta as it was in Damden or Horsey. But it was familiar, a little slice of normal in an unfamiliar environment.
I browsed the convention schedule while I ate – I’d missed a couple of interesting panels while I’d been waiting for my ride in the Mustang, but I felt I’d made the right choice. This is all about experiences, and that was a great one.
I ate my burger quickly, scarfing it down without tasting it. Gabby and the girls weren’t there, and I found myself somewhat disappointed by that. Even though we’d missed a bunch of events at the hotel the day before, I found myself disappointed that there’d be no long conversation over this meal. The hay fries were greasy, salty, and undercooked. I had no problem taking them with me and tossing half of them onto the grass to feed the pigeons.
I walked into the lobby and right into the middle of an impromptu cosplay session. Ponies in what appeared to be archaic human clothing and wigs were re-enacting moments from human history. Ponies and humans alike gathered around to watch.
One of the cosplayers announced the next scene they’d be portraying, “The signing of the Declaration of Independence.” The cosplayers then gathered around a table, and signed a parchment in turn.
Since I’d walked in late, I asked the mare next to me who everypony was supposed to be.
“The purple unicorn in the top hat is Abraham Lincoln, the pink earth pony mare in the black costume is Batman, the bulky white pegasus is Hulk Hogan, the pink pegasus is Amelia Earhart, the griffin is Attila the Hungry, the turquoise unicorn mare is Princess Grace, the burgundy earth pony is Julius Caesar, the zebra is Joan of Arc, and the minotaur is Godzilla.”
The ponies and creatures added their signatures to the document in turn. The last was the bulky pegasus, who shouted ‘yeah!’ and ripped off his yellow t-shirt to reveal bulging muscles underneath.
Stripped of his costume, the hulking pegaus announced the next scene. “The Wright Brothers’ first flight.” He proceeded to lay down, and Batman and Amelia Earhart climbed aboard him as he flew a short distance away.
I continued watching their historical reenactments until they stopped to get lunch.
“What’d you think? Were we accurate?” ‘Amelia Earhart’ had zipped next to me. The costume obscured part of her face, but the speed at which she talked revealed the costumed pony to be Whizzer.
I shrugged. “I don’t know enough about Earth’s history to know one way or the other. What are you planning on doing now?”
“They rented out the high school’s auditorium for a panel. It starts in an hour – we’ve got just enough time to find Gabby, Kerfuffle, and Sweet Stuff, and grab some lunch.”
I neglected to mention I’d already had lunch – it hadn’t been particularly satisfying, anyway. “Sure, as long as it isn’t Hayburger.”
“No problem! The hotel’s got a restaurant, we can eat there.”
“Works for me. What’s the panel about?”
“It’s called ‘So you want to go to Earth?’ and they’ve got some really great guest speakers lined up.”
I looked through my schedule of events. “That’s not listed.”
“It’s a last minute addition. There was an announcement about it earlier. Everything that was scheduled to run against it has been moved to tomorrow because they want as many ponies to attend this as possible.”
I nodded. “Makes sense. I’d imagine that most of the ponies here are at the very least considering crossing the portal.”
For Whizzer, an hour was enough time to track down three ponies, eat, and cross town to the school. I had no hope of keeping up with her, and didn’t want to slow her down on her search, so I told her I’d get a table in the restaurant and wait for her there. She moves fast, even on hoof. I wish I could see what she can do in the sky.
I had a view of the courtyard and watched the ponies going about their business. Many of the con’s attendees, ponies I’d seen around the hotel in passing, were headed in the direction of what I assumed was the town’s high school. What I didn’t expect to see was Gabby and Kerfuffle, each holding one of Whizzer’s front legs, landing alongside the hotel. There were tears in Whizzer’s eyes, and I watched her hug them both in turn once they’d landed.
I waved once they came inside, and the three made their way over to my table. I looked at Whizzer, who had a faraway look in her eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Me? I’m super. I… I just forgot what it was like to be soaring through the sky. It was nice to get a reminder of what I’m missing. It’s another three and a half months until moult.” She sighed. “Once my new feathers are in, I’ll be able to fly again.”
I patted her hoof. Soaring was a feeling I’d never experience personally. But maybe I can relate to her after all… I levitated a small onyx ring from my saddlebags and slipped it over my horn, my magic petering out as it slid further down. I had to push it the rest of the way to the base of my horn with my hooves. “I know it’s not the same thing, but I’ll wear this until the convention’s over. Solidarity.”
She gasped. “I would never ask you to do that.”
“I know you wouldn’t. That’s why I’m just doing it anyway.”
“Why do you even have one of those?” Kerfuffle asked, as she looked at the offending jewelry.
“I had to wear one in school, especially in gym class. I was the only unicorn in a school full of earth ponies in a xenophobic town. So I can relate to feeling like you’re missing a piece of yourself.”
That didn’t answer why I still had one, but I had no desire to share that it was my own defense mechanism – my magic was stronger than I’d initially thought, but I’d since discovered that approximately three quarters of the unicorn population was stronger than me. I’d never had any issues with another unicorn, but I’d been bullied too much to not take every reasonable precaution. In the event I found myself at the mercy of a unicorn who outmatched me, I’d shatter the onyx and impale my attacker’s horn with the shards. It was a defense strategy I’d invented; one I’d never heard anypony else mention. In order for it to remain effective, I kept it to myself. Paranoid or not, it was better to have it and never need it, then to need it and be without it.
I changed the subject before they could enquire as to my continued possession of said device. “No Sweet Stuff?”
Whizzer shook her head. “I couldn’t find her.”
“Did you check her room? If she’s anything like me, and I’m willing to bet she is, she’s tired of dealing with other ponies and hiding in her room to recharge. What I like to call being ‘ponied out’.”
“I don’t know what room she’s in.”
“That makes two of us.” I looked to Kerfuffle and Gabby and they shook their heads too. “She wants to go to Earth, so she’ll probably be at the auditorium. Hiding in the back, or on one of the sides. Wherever it’s least crowded. That’s what I used to do at school assemblies… or pep rallies.” I shuddered involuntarily. Pep rallies are the worst thing ever devised by ponykind. School spirit! Conform… or else!
Unlike the previous day, once our food was delivered we ate in silence, as quickly as possible since time was short. It was overpriced, as was to be expected in a hotel restaurant. It was the price to be paid for convenience, of course. It was better than Hayburger, which wasn’t always guaranteed when a restaurant had a steady source of new faces through the door.
Gabby picked up the tab for the whole table, an act of generosity I wasn’t expecting. I also wasn’t expecting her to literally pick me up and fly me to the school. Kerfuffle grasped Whizzer and followed the griffin’s lead. Flying was akin to riding the roller coasters at HorseyPark. It was thrilling to defy gravity in ways unicorns weren’t intended to.
Windflower Memorial High School appeared ahead of us much too soon, bringing my first flight to an abrupt end. I led the way into the building. Or at least I tried to… I grasped the door handle in my magic and proceeded to walk right into the door, completely forgetting my horn was inhibited. “Ow.”
“That building jumped right out in front of you.”
“I noticed, Whizzer.”
“Is your muzzle okay?” Whizzer was incredibly quick on her hooves, invading my personal space before I could ask her not to. “Yoink!” Magic sparked back into my horn as Whizzer grabbed the inhibitor ring from my horn.
“Hey!”
“I’ll only give it back to you if you promise not to put it back on.”
“Fine.”
“There’s no reason for both of us to be without our magic. I earned my punishment, and I’m doing my time. I learned a valuable lesson on where to perform stunts and where not to. It could be worse – I could’ve actually injured somepony.” She chuckled. “I guess I needed a reminder to keep me… grounded.”
I groaned at her joke. “To think, you complained about my self-deprecating sense of humor.”
Kerfuffle shook her head. “It’s not really the same thing, Sweetie. Whizzer’s making fun of her situation, not herself.”
“Yeah, sorta like if you had joked about running into the door instead of me cracking that joke. It’s okay to make light of a bad situation, but it isn’t okay to put yourself down. I hate my current situation, but my flying’s awesome, and it pains me that I can’t show you any of my mad skills. So say you hate that you bumped your snout, but you’re really great at…”
“Nothing.” It was the truth. I looked back to my cutie mark, the one that lied to everypony and suggested I could make them ice cream… or cotton candy for the really confused ones. “I don’t have some awesome skill that I can proudly declare my own. I have as much chance of making ice cream that’s edible as any of you. I can tell you how to make it better, and maybe that’s my destiny – to end up as middle management at some human ice cream company. I’m not the master of unicorn magic, I don’t jump as far as Bowtie, and I can’t bake like Crumb Cake. I don’t have a soaring soprano like Mica Shine, nor am I as funny as Gigglebean. I’m dumb enough to get myself in trouble, yet smart enough to get myself out of it. Self-deprecating jokes may just be the thing I do best, and if not, it’s sarcasm.”
“Okay, let’s go with sarcasm, then.” Gabby puffed out her chest. “Sarcasm me.”
In that pose she reminded me of Gladys – the griffin I’d known back in Damden. Gladys was boastful in all the ways Gabby wasn’t. If I still knew Gladys, I probably could’ve zinged her. I’d only known Gabby for a day, and that was long enough to know I couldn’t. “No. You’ve done nothing to deserve it. You’ve been nothing but kind to me.” I can’t drive off the first friends I’ve had in years… Please, please, please don’t push me.
“You don’t deserve it, either.” Gabby patted my withers with her claws. Despite her sharp talons, she was as delicate as a mother tending to a foal. In a way, perhaps she was.
She left it at that, and Kerfuffle got the door as we walked inside the school. Signs pointed the way to the auditorium, and even though I’d never been there before, I had a pretty good idea where I’d find Sweet Stuff. Most ponies had clamored for spots as close to the stage as possible, with the greatest cluster in the middle, closest to the main aisle. I focused on the side aisles, away from the crowd. Kerfuffle followed me, while Gabby and Whizzer searched the other side of the auditorium.
It was Gabby who finally spotted her, sitting at the far end of a row, near the back of the seating. There were more than a dozen empty seats between her and the nearest pony, more than enough for the four of us to fill in around her.
Kerfuffle sat next to Sweet Stuff, draping a wing around her to comfort the skittish earth pony. I sat between Whizzer and Gabby, and they did the same, each of them draping a wing over me as well. It wasn’t necessary, but I appreciated it nevertheless. Their wings were warm and snuggly, and I found myself wanting to doze off.
I fought the urge to sleep as the hostess of the convention, Special Event, said a few words. I need to find a pegasus stallion, I’ll never have insomnia again. Mistmane was introduced and said something or other but I was drifting in and out of consciousness. What finally snapped me out of it was when she started asking for audience participation – not just one or two ponies, but everypony. The wings were removed from my back and we all got to our hooves to stomp a greeting for a human guest.
Mistmane cleared her throat. “Presenting our first featured speaker, Molly Williams.”
“Greetings, everypony, and everycreature.” She didn’t need a translator; her Equestrian was surprisingly good for a human. “It’s my honor to be here today. I’ve known ponies for decades – my sister made first contact with a pegasus by the name of Firefly, and my brother is married to one of the Wonderbolts. I can’t emphasize enough that cooperation between our worlds is paramount. By combining our talents, we can make something greater than the sum of our parts. I understand that friendship is important in Equestria. We’d very much like to be your friends.”
There was stomping of hooves as we gave her an ovation.
“There’s always fear of the unknown. I see hundreds of brave little ponies out in the audience. I see bold griffins and daring Abyssinians. I see creatures from all around Equus who’ve come to see what all the hype is about for themselves. Some of you are considering crossing the portal and visiting Earth. Others are considering moving to Earth permanently. I suspect most of you are mainly curious. You’ve heard from athletes, actresses, and even businesspeople this weekend. I’m here as a diplomat, and my mission is simple – to promote peace.”
She was a lot more important than I’d realized; certainly more than she’d let on. Observing the reactions of other ponies in the audience – I could tell I wasn’t the only one she’d chatted with or offered advice to. She’d just wandered around the convention, talking to ponies and getting a feel for us. She probably wanted to see what we want out of our cultural exchange. Not our leaders. Us, the commoners.
She was followed by former United States President and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Jimmy Carter. The earth ponies in the audience seemed more impressed with his credentials as a peanut farmer than his political career.
Between the two of them, they’d given me a lot of food for thought. I was more convinced than ever that moving to Earth was the right decision. I could tell a good chunk of the audience felt the same way – ponies were quieter than they’d been before the panel, contemplating what we’d just heard and letting it soak in.
As we walked out of the high school I paused by a statue of a young filly galloping through a field of amaranth and milfoil – she couldn’t be more than seven or eight. “In loving memory of Windflower, our little angel.”
It was the first time I’d seen a school dedicated to a student, somepony who actually deserved to be memorialized, instead of some politician or rich donor. “She wasn’t even old enough to have attended high school.”
“Nope, she wasn’t.” An older stallion with a brown coat stood off to the side, mop and broom at the ready, waiting for the convention interlopers to get out of the school so he could clean up after us. He was wearing blue scrubs, so I couldn’t see his cutie mark.
“What happened?”
“She was frolicking in the woods one day. Never even saw the timberwolves until it was too late. They don’t normally venture this far south.”
It was a staunch reminder that Equestria, for all its rustic charm, was still dangerous – all kinds of monsters lurked in the wild zones, things like hydras, manticores, bugbears, and timberwolves. “Poor kid.” I let my eyes wander to the portrait hanging over the school’s front doors, no doubt of its namesake filly. With yellow coat and green hair, the only thing she could have hoped to blend into was a field of dandelions. I looked down at my own pink coat and twirled some of my multihued hair into my vision. My own coloration didn’t even offer me that level of camouflage.
Emotions were a thing I normally left for other ponies. I was used to being the calm one during a crisis, the voice of reason ignored in favor of convenient lies. I was overwhelmed. Between the pain in my nose from bumping it, the embarrassment that had caused me, the chastising my friends had given me over beating myself up so much, the absolute information overload from the panel, the fact that such an important human had stopped to talk to me because she thought I was looking a little down, and lastly the heart-wrenching story of the little filly the school was named for. I could pinpoint each of them; I could deal with each of them individually. I couldn’t, however, deal with this many conflicting emotions at once. Especially not when dealing with the exhaustion of having barely slept the previous two nights.
I woke up in my hotel room with no memory of how I’d gotten there. I was under a snuggly blanket, and I was drifting back asleep when I heard snoring coming from my left, which should’ve been impossible since I was awake, and had a room to myself.
I opened my eyes and they adjusted to the low light after a few moments. According to the clock, it was a little after eleven, and I wasn’t in my own room at all. The ‘snuggly blanket’ was Whizzer’s wing, and she was also the source of the snoring. To my right was Sweet Stuff, who’d curled up like a cat, her back barely touching my flank. Gabby had wrapped a foreleg around her, while Kerfuffle sat on an easy chair across the room, sewing. She waved as she noticed me stirring.
I had no idea how long I’d been asleep, or how I’d gotten back to the hotel, or even who’s room we were all piled into; I found I didn’t care about the answers to any of those questions. My friends had obviously gotten me back to the room, and that was all that mattered. I waved a hoof at Kerfuffle, motioning for her to join us in the bed. She finished what she was stitching, then turned out the light and joined us, gliding onto the bed and landing so gently she didn’t disturb the sleeping ponies or griffin. I slowly lifted Whizzer’s wing, sliding out from underneath, and giving Kerfuffle the chance instead. I wrapped my foreleg around her and let myself relax as I felt her fall asleep. I was rested enough that I probably wouldn’t fall back asleep. I found that I didn’t really care about that, either. My friends had stayed with me while I slept, I would happily do the same for them.
Since I’d already slept, and it was well after nightfall, there was nothing for my brain to do except think. I replayed snippets of the panel we’d attended. They’re seeking the brightest and best of Equestria’s youth to go to Earth, so that we can spend years immersing ourselves in their culture, and then bring that back to Equestria.
I never thought I’d be glad that I spent so much time studying as a filly. Maybe my foalhood wasn’t wasted after all. The only thing I’m not on board with is ‘bringing it back to Equestria’ because that would mean coming back. Once I’m there, I don’t think I’m gonna look back. There’s nothing for me here, but unlimited prospects over there.
Mareietta: two years, six months, and eleven days ago
It was the last day of the con. The vendor hall was fairly picked over, but there were bargains to be had as ponies didn’t want to lug things back home with them.
Bobbin had put out new inventory since I’d last looked, and two new dolls joined Shirley, Molly, and King Petty in my saddlebags: Jimmy Carter and John Candy.
The Ford booth had run out of t-shirts, and the line for the human artist was still too long for my liking. I want to leave here with something from Earth. And I think I know what I want most.
I trotted back to the Panasonic booth. “Excuse me, what are you going to do with these microwaves when the show is over?”
“Take them back to Earth.”
“I know I can’t buy one, but maybe we could trade?”
“It won’t work on Equestria’s electrical grid without an adapter. I can give you a microwave, believe me, it would be cheaper to just give it to you than it would be to lug this thing back home. But if I lose any of the adaptors I’ll be in trouble. With as rare as they are right now, they’re worth much more than the appliance itself.”
“That’s a fair point, but what if I was testing it for you? Find the flaws, figure out how to make the unit more pony-friendly.”
“You’re making it hard to deny you.”
“I’m just being logical, but if you want me to make it impossible to turn me down…” I pouted, cocked my head to the side, and looked up at him. Then I giggled at how ridiculous I was being.
“That was working until you started laughing.”
“Yeah, I have a hunch a lot of ponies are going to take advantage of a lot of humans that way. I’m not a good enough actress to make it work for me though. I’m not young or cute enough.”
“You’re plenty cute.”
“I am?” I fluttered my eyelashes. “How about we forget the microwaves and I just take you out to lunch instead?”
He groaned. “If I give you a microwave will you go away?”
I nodded.
“Fine. You’re on your own for finding an adapter though. Do me a favor and take that straight to your room before everybody else starts asking for one.”
I stared at my reflection in the microwave. At the moment, it was really the only thing it was good for. I had no way to use it, but that didn’t matter. I’m the first pony in Equestria to own a microwave and that’s an accomplishment nopony will ever be able to take away from me.
“Ding!” I shouted as I opened the door and pulled out an imaginary bag of popcorn.
“You’re a very strange pony.”
“See if I share any of my popcorn with you, Sweet Stuff.” I hadn’t bothered going back to my own room. We’d all decided to stay in Gabby’s room until the end of the convention to best make use of the time we’d have together before we each returned to our own lives.
“I don’t want any of your imaginary popcorn. How’d you even get that thing?”
“I have my ways. Remember what I said about the dues to get out of SASS? I wasn’t kidding, this was my bribe to leave the poor guy at the Panasonic booth alone. Behold the power of annoyance!”
“I repeat, you’re a very, very strange pony.”
“What happened to you not being sassy enough for SASS?”
“I’m learning.” She stuck her tongue out at me.
I flipped through the con’s schedule of events. There wasn’t much going on that interested me, and I’d cleaned the vendor hall out of items that interested me. It was too early to get lunch, so I flopped on the bed and levitated the schedule to Sweet Stuff – she was more likely to go out if somepony went with her. “Anything you want to go see or do?”
She shrugged.
“The vendor hall’s still open.”
“Too crowded.”
“I was just in it half an hour ago – it’s not too bad. I’ll go with you. I still have a few bits left that are clamoring for a new home.”
She hesitated, then nodded. “Okay.”
“Have you been in there at all?”
She shook her head and I wished I had a wing I could drape over her back. Some sort of gesture I could make to comfort her; something to support her as she ventured out of her comfort zone. I’d long since considered myself asocial, but Sweet Stuff was certainly proving to me that I was better adapted to society than she was. I was a low bar to clear and she couldn’t even manage to do that. I moved closer to her, brushing my flank against hers. She froze at the contact, but didn’t break away. I remained at her side until she was ready to start walking again, and once she was ready we ventured into the vendor hall.
It was much as I’d left it – the Panasonic booth’s vendor giving me a wary eye as we trotted past, likely fearful I was going to try and get Sweet Stuff a microwave too. I gave him a smile, though Sweet Stuff wasn’t interested in the wares on display at his stand and we moved on. She took one look at the line of ponies waiting for the artist to draw them and immediately went in the opposite direction.
Following the same circuit as I had on my first trek through the room, we passed Bobbin’s stand. The dolls didn’t catch Sweet Stuff’s fancy in the way they’d caught mine, though her inventory was significantly depleted from when the weekend began. There was one new addition that caught my eye, and I bought a bald-headed boy in a yellow sweater. She said his name was Charlie Brown and that he starred in his own comic strip on Earth. Even though my supply of bits was dwindling, I had no qualms giving her more of my money.
The line to get a ride in a Ford Mustang was another thing that intimidated her, but it was outside in the courtyard, so easier to avoid than the artist’s queue.
Sweet Stuff had no interest in the human technology, and even less interest in the hoofmade creations celebrating them. She left the vendor hall without saying a single word, or spending a single bit.
“That was… interesting.” Sweet Stuff was shyer in public than she’d been in the private room. “Thank you. I’m glad I saw that.”
I patted a hoof on her withers. If anypony could relate to needing courage to do something like this, it was me. The least I could do was offer my support – she’d come out to this convention for a reason, it would be a shame if she didn’t experience it.
We returned to Gabby’s room, and I felt accomplished and defeated at the same time – accomplished because I’d gotten Sweet Stuff out of the room, and out of her comfort zone; defeated because she hadn’t purchased anything, like all I’d really done was convince her that it was all a waste of time.
Our friends were waiting there, and they were all poking at my new microwave. “Do you like it?”
“How’d you get this?”
“The power of annoyance. But I can’t use it. I don’t have an adapter.”
“Oh.” The others looked as disappointed as I felt.
“But hey, I’m the first mare in Equestria to have a microwave.” I chuckled. “Hi, I’m Sweetie Swirl, master of sarcasm, first mare in Equestria to own a microwave. Even if I can’t actually use it. Does that make this a useless status symbol?”
“Adapters will eventually become mainstream. You’ll be able to use it someday.” Kerfuffle closed the device’s door, as if to emphasize her point. “Popcorn, soup, beans…”
“As long as it isn’t refried beans.” Whizzer grimaced at the memory of trying them
“Oh good, I thought it was just me,” Kerfuffle replied. “Those were well and truly awful.”
We all nodded our heads in agreement, except for Sweetie Swirl, who hadn’t ventured into the vendor hall when they were demonstrating the microwave and giving away free samples.
“It’s like humans figured out a way to make food not be food anymore.” I sniffed – my poor microwave still had the lingering fragrance of the horrid concoction. “I didn’t think cooking could get worse than mine.”
“If your cooking is that bad, I’m starting to see why you were gung-ho to get one of these.” Gabby motioned to the microwave.
“I know I’m a petite pony, but I need to eat. The idea of heating premade food in seconds is incredibly appealing to somepony who’s wasted hours cooking something that turned out to be completely inedible.”
I had mixed emotions during the closing ceremonies. I’d come to grips with crowds over the previous two days. It helped that I was sitting between Gabby and Sweet Stuff. Whizzer and Kerfuffle were on Sweet Stuff’s other side – our new friends had intentionally put us in the middle of the group so they could act as a buffer between us and the crowd as a whole. It was instinctive on their part, like a herd shuffling the young and vulnerable to the center when facing a predator. It hurt thinking of myself in that manner, but I really was the youngest of our group.
Mistmane took to the stage – I’d missed her opening comments but looked forward to her final thoughts on three of the most fun days of my life. She talked about missing more than a thousand years of pony history, and what it was like to return from limbo and find that much of the world had changed. She talked about her fellow Pillars of Equestria, specifically Rockhoof’s culture shock.
“Remember as you go forth to Earth that we’re the guests there. Follow Equestria’s rules, but obey those of your new home as well. If these laws contradict each other, follow those of your new home instead. Once you trot through the portal you’re no longer on Equestrian soil. If you have questions, Duchess Ploomette is setting up consulates all around the world as I speak – there will be ponies there to answer your questions.” Then she glitter-bombed us. Glitter rained down from the rafters, coating all of us.
“Well, for having spent a thousand years in limbo, I’d say she’s adapted to modern society really well.” I hacked out a mouthful of glittery confetti. “I feel like a walking arts and crafts project.”
With that, the convention was officially over. We wandered into Mareietta in search of a better restaurant than Hayburger. We found a bakery, and there were no objections to having dessert instead of dinner.
While we waited for our food, Gabby gave me a present. “Happy belated or early birthday.”
I opened the gift, and couldn’t figure out what it was. It looked a bit like the thing humans had been plugging things into all weekend. “What is this?”
“The adapter you need to make your microwave work.”
I blinked – these were supposedly in high demand. “Oh my gosh, thank you very much! How did you get this?”
“I know ponies who are related to ponies that are friends of the princess. I pulled a few strings.”
“Thank you! Okay, we’ve got to test this out when we get back to the hotel. We need to find some food that we can warm up!” Unsurprisingly, microwavable popcorn wasn’t a thing that was available in Equestria. We decided a pie from Gingerbread’s bakery would suffice and headed back.
The pie was sitting inside the microwave and I stood there glaring at the buttons that had the audacity to be in English instead of Equestrian.
“Do you even know how to use this thing?” Sweet Stuff asked.
“I watched the human do it a bunch of times.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I sighed. “Not a clue.”
“Hold on, I got this!” Whizzer dashed out of the room and the rest of us just looked at one another.
It took her half an hour, but the speedy pegasus returned with Molly Williams. Molly whistled in appreciation as she saw my prize. “You’re not supposed to have this yet. Not sure how you pulled it off, but nice work. Let me guess, you need some assistance getting it to work?”
I nodded and she opened the door. “First of all, never put anything metal in here.” She took the pie out of the tin it was in and put it on a paper plate instead. “There are a few metal objects that are microwave safe, but you don’t have them and probably won’t have them any time soon. Second, you don’t really have much in the way of microwavable foods. I’d stick to reheating things if I were you. Third, I’d use paper plates instead of ceramic when heating things.”
“Okay. But what do the buttons do?”
She explained which ones were numbers, and what the other buttons did. She also showed me how to set the time, which was fairly useless since it displayed things in human numbers. But having the numbers counting off the minutes was better than blinking 12:00 over and over again. It would also help me get used to the numbers of the world I’d be moving to. Telling time was important, and I’d need to know how to do so once I crossed the portal for good.
The pie was ready in a few short minutes and I eagerly sliced it up for my gathered guests, including Molly. In hindsight, I really should’ve looked at what kind of pie I’d purchased. Cherry wasn’t my favorite, and it seemed as if neither Sweet Stuff nor Kerfuffle cared for the flavor either. But it was warm and edible. My microwave worked, and that was all that mattered.
Hope Hollow: one year, three months, and one day ago
I sat on the porch of Kerfuffle’s boutique. At one point she’d used it as a sales area for discounted merchandise, but there was less merchandise to sell these days as she sold out of her remaining stock in preparation of going to Earth. New items were by commission only, though that had only encouraged the local townsponies to order things from her. Torque Wrench had commissioned half a dozen pairs of coveralls, and that was what my pegasus friend was working on.
Meanwhile, my attention was focused on the sky, where my other pegasus friend, Whizzer, was showing a couple of locals her moves. Barley Barrel and Pickle Barrel were twins, and both were planning on applying to the Wonderbolts. They’d each had personal training from Rainbow Dash, a fact which made Whizzer insanely jealous.
After EarthCon, Gabby and Sweet Stuff had returned to their respective homes, but Whizzer had gone walkabout, and didn’t really have a home after leaving Hooveston, while I had no motivation at all to return to Horsey. I did though, partly because I’d purchased a roundtrip ticket, but mostly because all my stuff was there. Once I packed everything up, I hopped on the next train to Hope Hollow and took Kerfuffle up on her offer to move in.
Whizzer took the tower; which Kerfuffle had mostly been using as storage. It was a good fit for her, because she could zip out a window to go flying if she wanted. That left me with the guest room, which was slightly bigger than the room I’d had in my parents’ house in Horsey. In every sense of the word it was an upgrade for me.
Hope Hollow was completely unlike Damden and Horsey both. It was a quaint, picturesque town – everything Horsey tried to be and failed at, but it was inclusive like Damden, even if it lacked my hometown’s diversity. It was the kind of town I wished we’d moved to. I could’ve grown up here and been okay.
Kerfuffle was a few years over the age cutoff to go to Earth, but Mayor Sunny Skies had forged a new birth certificate for her. Everypony agreed the ‘under twenty-five’ rule was as stupid and discriminatory as the ‘mares only’ rule. According to the mayor, the palace had put out word that the Royal Guards weren’t going to be checking birth certificates for ponies traveling through the portal. You were expected to show it, but if they just happened to hold a blink for a few seconds, then well, they couldn’t be expected to see anything that would prevent somepony from going through the portal. If a stallion really wanted to get through, all he’d really need to do was put on a dress and some makeup and the guards would make sure he got through okay. For Kerfuffle, a fake piece of paper was all she needed.
They would, however, be testing our knowledge of the native languages, so the three of us had taken to conversing in English when we spoke to one another.
More than anything though, Hope Hollow felt like home. I was going to miss it when it came time to go to Earth, but it wouldn’t be the same without Kerfuffle and Whizzer anyway. I was going to miss my friends when that time came, too – we all had different plans. Kerfuffle planned on coming back to Hope Hollow when five years was up. Whizzer was intent on joining the new Earth division of the Wonderbolts, while I didn’t really know what I wanted to do once I got there. There was still more than a year to go before the portal opened – I’d figure something out in the meantime.
Earth: today
It was hard to believe that I hadn’t seen Gabby or Sweet Stuff since EarthCon. Both of them were waiting at the train station when we disembarked in Ponyville. We crammed into one hotel room for the night and there was one last surprise before we left Equestria – Sweet Stuff had come to see us off… but she’d decided not to go to Earth after all.
As I rode down the freeway, sandwiched between Gabby and Whizzer at the very back of the bus, I couldn’t help but think I should’ve done the same. I could’ve offered to watch Kerfuffle’s boutique for her while she was gone. Hope Hollow wasn’t the Damden of my fillyhood, but it was much nicer than Horsey. In two years of planning I still hadn’t come up with an actual plan for once I got here. Now it was too late, I was on Earth, en route to the consulate.
I really hope the Duchess is as good at her job as she’s supposed to be.
My thoughts were interrupted by a lavender pegasus with lilies on her flank. She stormed up the aisle, hyperventilating the whole way, and locked herself in the bathroom. Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t soundproof. The walls were thin, and the door was so flimsy even dainty little me could’ve bucked it into splinters. I could hear her doing breathing exercises to try and calm herself down. I wonder what’s got her so upset? To her credit, she didn’t scream, even though I could tell she really wanted to.
It’s a two-hour drive and the bus only has one bathroom. She can’t stay in there forever, and if she tries to that door really will be splinters because somepony’s eventually going to drag her out. She exited a few minutes later, though not before a line could start queuing.
There was a unicorn mare working her way down the main aisle, but I didn’t get to find out what she was selling – she ran out of time before making it to us. The bus pulled up to the consulate general and we disembarked. We quickly learned the downside to being in the back of the bus – we were the last ones to get off.
Both the blue unicorn and lavender pegasus I’d seen on the bus were preparing for an impromptu song number, and I quickly dodged around them, dragging Kerfuffle, Whizzer, and Gabby with me. I’d managed to avoid getting roped into heartsongs in Horsey, and I had no plans to get dragged into any of them on Earth.
There was a line in the consulate’s lobby as ponies were being checked in, so we wandered around, looking at the décor until a pair of burly pegasus guards herded us back to the rest of the group.
I enjoyed my last few hours with Kerfuffle, Whizzer, and Gabby as we waited for our respective turns to speak with Ploomette. Gabby was the first of us to go and she left not long after that. Whizzer followed, off to pursue her dreams of joining the Wonderbolts’ newly formed Earth squadron, and Kerfuffle returned to the waiting room.
“I may be going back home real soon. Duchess Ploomette thinks she can get me in to see a specialist soon, and that I won’t need to stay here five years. She’s going to work some paperwork magic and make it easy for me to go home. Oh, and by the way, you’re next.”
That gave me more food for thought as I walked into the duchess’ office. I had an out – I could go back with Kerfuffle. What pony wouldn’t want to stay with a friend who needs her? Yet there was something urging me forward, something reminding me that I’d spent years wanting to leave Equestria behind. Something telling me not to let fear of the unknown overcome me and send me back to Equestria a failure. I can be a failure in Equestria, or I can surge ahead and make a place for myself on Earth.
I opened the door to the duchess’ office. “Hello?”
“Salutations! Please have a seat.” She shuffled some paperwork around. “Sweetie Swirl, correct?”
I nodded. “That’s me.”
“What brings you to Earth?”
“I never found my place in Equestria and I’m hoping a change of venue might be what I need. It worked when I moved from Horsey to Hope Hollow, and I’m thinking it’ll work again coming here.”
“That sounds like a shaky foundation to build on. This is more than just moving from one town to another, you’ve come to an entirely different world, my little pony.”
“I know.” I started playing with my tail, a nervous habit I’d picked up from Sweet Stuff. “Maybe I should just forget it and go back.”
“Let’s not be hasty, Sweetie Swirl. You’ve come a long way. You may as well stay and see what Earth has to offer you first. What’s your special talent?”
“I don’t have any special talent.”
“Nonsense, every pony has a special talent.” Ploomette took a look at my mark. “It appears yours is in making ice cream. Fortunately, we have a fully stocked kitchen so you can practice. If there are any ingredients you’re missing, we can get them.”
“I can’t make ice cream, Duchess.”
She looked crestfallen at that. I made a mental note that she had a sweet tooth. “I got my mark advising Lickety-Split how to improve a flavor she was already making. I figure that qualifies me for a job in middle management at some ice cream company here on Earth. Maybe Vice President of Flavor Creation or something similar.”
She chuckled. “You can’t just start in middle management. Unless you’re related to the boss.”
“I don’t expect to start at the top. I’m capable of working my way up.” I hope.
“Would you say you’re ambitious?”
The word ‘yes’ tried to roll off my tongue, thought better of it, and instead jumped back into my throat in shame. I couldn’t lie to the duchess. “Not particularly.”
“Aspiring to middle management was the giveaway. You can do better.”
I shrugged. “I could, absolutely. But I don’t know what to do, exactly, with my useless talent and a mark that promises more than I can deliver.”
“I suppose I have an option on the table. Just the kind of thing for indecisive mares who are still figuring themselves out. Some of the mares who were on the bus with you today are putting together an Equestrian-style hotel. The buy-in is your stipend and in turn you’re an equal partner with everypony else. According to your résumé, you spent time in the Future Farmers of Equestria. That means you have some basic skills that would certainly come in handy. If memory serves me, they teach everything needed to keep a farm running: welding, electrical work, and plumbing, among other trades.”
“They do. My electrical project set the school on fire. Twice. I did marginally better with plumbing. Oddly enough, I was competent with welding and surprisingly adept at woodworking.”
She nodded. “Certainly not skills one would expect from a mare with an ice cream mark.”
“I wouldn’t get overly excited. I was middle of the pack at best for welding, and last in my class for both plumbing and electricity.”
“As I would expect, unless, of course, one of your fellow students managed to set the school on fire thrice.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Nope, no fires except mine. I’d say I was the laughingstock of the school, but I was already the school’s whipping filly before that so no real harm done. Literally, the fires went out when the project was unplugged. No damage, but despite that I wasn’t allowed to do any electrical projects after that.”
The duchess nodded. “That’s fair. However, it still bodes the question of what you want to do now that you’re on Earth.”
I shrugged. “I have no idea. I just know I wasn’t cut out for Equestria, though the past two years things were starting to look up. But I met all my friends specifically because we were all interested in coming here in the first place. If I’d stayed in Equestria, I would’ve lost them all anyway. Except one stayed behind after all…and now another one is possibly going home early too. I don’t know what to do, Duchess.” I bowed. “As your little pony, I seek your guidance and wisdom.”
I collapsed onto the floor, shaking. I just poured all my insecurities out to the Duchess. Am I crazy? She’s here to help. But now she knows I don’t belong here. I’m a mess. Maybe she’ll send me back to Equestria too, and I won’t have to worry about it. I made an effort so at least I’ll never worry about ‘what ifs’ like Sweet Stuff is probably doing right now.
“Sweetie Swirl. Please take your seat.”
I sat in the chair and looked at Ploomette. She was smiling.
“Sweetie Swirl, there’s a pony I’d like you to meet. She has an option for ponies who came here and don’t know where to go from here. I think you should listen to her.” She hit a buzzer and a different door than the one I’d come in through opened, revealing the blue unicorn mare from the bus. “This is Snowcatcher, and I think she could use a mare with your talents.”
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Between aspergers and misanthropy, now I really want to hug her.
Jimmy Carter is a cool old dude, his participation in the 3 Mile Island coverup aside. But he paid for the lies with barely surviving brain cancer.
I did not know that tarmac is short for "tarmacadam." As I've said before, between the rapid wearing and cracking here in the north, and the copious CO2 emissions, asphalt is a really lousy road material, and any insights for improving road materials from Rockterate pony scholars would be a tremendous boon. This past winter was particularly brutal on our roads here, and even though I'm not due for an oil change for another 1,500 miles, I really should go in for a tire inspection, alignment and rotation.
https://bringmethenews.com/minnesota-news/potholes-are-horrific-in-the-twin-cities-and-no-fix-is-coming-anytime-soon
https://www.weather.gov/dlh/spring-flooding
Wow. Ponies not liking Taco Bell. I'm stunned.
Nice little nod to G1 (Molly WIlliams) and was that Lyra with the sneakers? (Of course, Lyra would attend Earthcon!)
Hmm, snuck a Toy Story bit in as well ...
Mini-plushies for the win !!!
A, B, .. D. they were too nice to say Cars because everypone else wouldve said Charlatans?
Especially when Fords first vehicle was going up agains the far cleaner range extended serial electric hybrid of Ferdinand Porche in 1903?
How difficult to make a little magical thermal generator to supply cruise power and keep the battery charged?
In fact, the basic power adapter might be just that, a small magical motor attached to an AC generator, as otherwise youd be into all sorts of fun with interleaved magical runes and microwave stripline in a AC beat frequency pattern?
I imagine Equestria could set up their own Steam Car industry.
The famous Stanley Steamer had impressive performance, even by modern standards, a century ago.
Still excellent.
One thing that caught the eye though, ratings disabled?
I'm wondering if anyone/anypony sees the visual similarities between Cozy Glow and Shirley Temple.
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I digress. It's not just the asphalt. How well I remember getting a frantic email from my mother asking if I was okay, since the phone network was overloaded.
"we’ve got just enough to find"
"we’ve got just enough time to find"?
"I collapsed, laying on the floor, shaking"
"I collapsed, lying on the floor, shaking"?
FINALLY got to this, and, as I recall you predicting, I did indeed enjoy it. :)
Thank you for writing!
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Fixed, and thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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:)
By the way, I didn't remember this until after I'd already left my comments (and, IIRC, closed FIMFiction for the day), but I imagine this car might be interesting to the ponies of this universe, too:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGT3iWqDnoY
That's both clever and adorable... Shame the vehicle selection didn't work out as well.