Rainbow Dash, Please Report to the Principal's Office

by TheGuineaPig45

5: Relaxation

To: Applejack, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Flash Sentry, +88 others
From: Zephyr Breeze

Why, hello there, fellow students of Canterlot High School. Hope you're enjoying this fine Saturday morning. While at school yesterday, I couldn't help but overhear the commotion surrounding our dear friend, Rainbows. Well, look no further for that beautiful truth, because I, the one and only Zephyr Breeze, have all the answers you're seeking! After all, what kind of boy friend would I be if I didn't know my girl friend's deepest, most darkest secrets?

Course, I'm not gonna give my girl's secrets out all willy-nilly. No, no, no, if you want the answer bird to fly free out of its cage, you gotta do something for me. You see, this may come as a shock to you, but I'm struggling just a tad in my history class. All those long names, foreign places, and life-changing events, well, they just don't stick with me. Help me pass my History test on Monday, and the truth is all yours. Yeah, that's right. It's as simple as tutoring moi. 😉

Hit me up with a DM if you're interested. Only the best of the best will be selected, so come prepared!

---

To: Fluttershy
From: Rarity

Fluttershy, dearest, explain to me how you and Zephyr Breeze are related. Because you're so kind, sensitive, sweet, and empathetic, and, pardon my French, but he's blegh. Obviously, he doesn't know what's going on with Rainbow, since she utterly despises him. If she won't confess the truth to us, she's definitely not trusting her personal secrets with him. No, I surmise he's just exploiting the school controversy to get free stuff. Sure, for now, it's just History tutoring, but in due time, I'm bet he'll be asking for free food, free rides, free movie tickets, free everything, thinly veiled under the notion of "supplying the truth". You and him are blood, darling. Perhaps you can talk some sense into him?

Oh dear. I pity the poor fools who fall for his tricks.

---

To: Bon Bon
From: Lyra Heartstrings

O. M. Goodness! Have you read Zephyr Breeze's text? That's the perfect gig for us! We've already been sharing our History notes and studying together. Why not just add him into the mix?

Yes, I know, we don't really care why Rainbow Dash is going to the principal's office so much, and we want to respect her personal life... but aren't you at least the teensiest bit curious? Plus, since Zephyr is sharing his knowledge privately, we'd get the honor of broadcasting it to entire school! Doesn't that sound cool? We could be heroes!

Of course, I wouldn't want to do this without you. Let me know how you feel about it, but don't take too long! I'm sure Zephyr Breeze is getting spammed with messages as we speak!

---

To: Flash Sentry
From: Micro Chips

I just watched my expensive, top-of-the-line spy camera go into the laundry basket, and I may have shed a tear or two over it. But I was definitely not full-on bawling, regardless of what Sandalwood might tell you. And even if I was, I had the right to do so, since my amazing plan was turned into the butt of a school-wide joke. Pun not intended. That chair had the perfect angle to watch Celestia's desk, okay???

That's not why I messaged you, though. Sandalwood and I have top-secret information to share, for your eyes only. You see, Bow Hothoof is a very oblivious man. That camera was stuck to him for several hours yesterday, and he totally missed it, even when he was scratching his rear end (I know, disgusting, but I had to watch the entire film for research purposes, okay?). So, at about eight o'clock last night, his sink stops working, so he bends over to see what's wrong and fix it. Of course, what he didn't know is, by doing that, he gave me the perfect shot of Rainbow Dash in the next room over! She was standing completely still in front of a mirror, reading aloud from a beige sheet of paper. Unfortunately, Bow's phone was vibrating in his back pocket, so I couldn't hear exactly what she was saying, but I know for a fact she was repeating the same phrase over and over again. Never underestimate the power of lip reading, my friend.

This morning, I called Sandalwood over and the two of us reviewed the footage. Now, I'm not totally on board with this theory yet, but Sandalwood thinks Rainbow Dash is preparing to be initiated into a cult. I know, I know, that sounds preposterous, but, to be fair, there's no evidence disproving that claim. Perhaps Principal Celestia is the cult leader, using her office hours to educate Rainbow Dash on their customs so she can become one of them! We don't know yet, but we intend to find out. We're going to go to the grocery store, buy some snacks, and review the footage one last time, just to make sure there's nothing we missed. Who knows? Maybe Bow was facing the mysterious paper at some point? Or, facing away from it, I guess, but you get my point.

You can't tell this to anybody, okay? We're gonna be the first people to crack this case, I just know it! The truth is OURS!

---

To: Silver Spoon
From: Diamond Tiara

I can't believe it's finally here! My birthday party is TONIGHT! Even though you haven't been responding to my texts, I'm sending this to you as a reminder to arrive at 5 P.M. so we can have our own private celebration before the guests arrive. And don't forget your sleeping bag. It was already enough of a hassle convincing Mother to make this a sleepover, so try not to blow it, okay?

Oh, did you see Zephyr Breeze's text? Ugh, what a phony. All he knows about Rainbow Dash is how to get rejected by her. He's using her scandal for his own benefit, which, honestly, pathetic. Twist was messaging me, saying he's her new hero, but anyone with half a brain could see through his lies. By the way, speaking of "heroes", I had to uninvite Micro Chips's sister. After he got everyone in trouble yesterday with that mess of watch party, I refuse to have any connection with him. It's like Mother always says: it's not good to associate yourself with problematic people.

One last thing. Since Micro Chips let us all down, Zephyr Breeze is a poser, and Trixie only got us circumstantial evidence, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. For my birthday present, I'm going to ask Father to hire a private investigator to find out the truth about Rainbow Dash. Everyone else is failing horribly at finding the truth, so naturally, we should invest in a professional. But, of course, that's tomorrow's concern. Tonight is all about celebrating ME!

You better arrive on time or I'm eating your slice of cake. See you soon!

---

To: Sunset Shimmer
From: Pinkie Pie

SUNSET SHIMMER! Did you see?! Did you see the news?! They were doing a story about my favorite Chocolate Coated Caramel Crispy Cookies, so I tuned in, only to find out that they're getting DISCONTINUED! Can you BELIEVE it?! They were a staple of my childhood! Oh my goodness, Sunset, I have to buy ALL of them before the store runs out! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Please, please, PLEASE come with me! We can take your car, stuff the trunk with cookies, and listen to PostCrush on the way back. We just HAVE to get those cookies!!!

Text me when you're here, Sunset! And HURRY!!!

---

To: Bow Hothoof
From: Windy Whistles

Honey, dearest, I just found a spy camera hidden in our laundry basket. Should we be worried? I know every one of Rainbow Dash's belongings, and this is NOT one of them. And, more importantly, should we call the police?

Call me as soon as you get this!

Comments

[FanficReader920]

This is getting out of hand.

[Toongeek]

That last message...😂

[Scholarly-Cimmerian]

Oh dear, that last message...

[FanOfMostEverything]

It's like Mother always says: it's not good to associate yourself with problematic people.

Careful, Diamond. That kind of advice could be taken several directions...

Also, the plot thickens. This will reach the boiling point soon.

[DangerDean]

What is Rainbow planning?

[DangerDean]

9893849
But she said delete the number!

[redandready45]

Oh...Zephyr...

[Misplaced Mage]

SUNSET SHIMMER! Did you see?! Did you see the news?! They were doing a story about my favorite Chocolate Coated Caramel Crispy Cookies, so I tuned in, only to find out that they're getting DISCONTINUED! Can you BELIEVE it?! They were a staple of my childhood! Oh my goodness, Sunset, I have to buy ALL of them before the store runs out! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

bycommonconsent.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/chocolate-frosted-sugar-bombs.gif

[sunset-starlight]

To : Applejack, Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Flash Sentry, +88 others From : Zephyr Breeze

ZEPHYR BREEZE!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

[bdoubleowo]

Honey, dearest, I just found a spy camera hidden in our laundry basket.

This made me laugh so freaking hard... oh my god.