• Published 12th Sep 2019
  • 2,289 Views, 32 Comments

Comedic Burst of Funniness - Lunatic God



Sometimes time travel is possible. Sometimes it goes wrong. Sometimes a futuristic soldier goes on a killing spree to reach the time machine to get back home, and begins an era of video game characters finding their way to Equestria. It happens.

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M60E4 Troubles

“DO NOT FALTER, BROTHER! I'M SURE SHE WILL TURN UP SOONER OR LATER!" The soldier holding the neon red M60E4 assured the distraught Daedric prince.

“WE WILL FIND OUR SISTER IF IT IS THE LAST THING WE DO!" The other one said, wielding a normal M60E4.

The two heavy brothers stood on either side of the prince, a consoling hand on each shoulder while their free handheld their holy weapon.

“Thanks, guys, but- *sniff* I don't think you can help with this,” Dag’gar said.

“NONSENSE, DAGGER! WE CAN ALWAYS HELP!” Neon boy said, accompanying his statement with a few pats.

“Unless you have a tracker like PigglesWorth’s, I don't think you can help,” Dag’gar said.

“PIGGLESWORTH IS THE LONG GUY, WE’RE THE SHORT GUYS!" Neon boy said.

“AS IN SCANNING RANGE, BROTHER! IT IS CHILD'S PLAY WITH OUR BALLISTICS TRACKER WITHIN 1000 STUDS!" Logang boy completed.

“WITH OUR SCANNERS COMBINED-”

“WE WILL FIND YOUR MARE!" Logang boy finished Neon boy’s sentence, pumping a fist into the air.

Dag’gar smiled. “Thanks. You're a big help when you want to."

“WE UNDERSTAND YOUR LOVE! BUT YOU MUST REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE ONLY INSTANCE THAT WE WILL HELP WITH MATTERS OTHER THAN GUNS AND GLORY!" Neon boy finished that sentence by shaking a fist in the air in pride at that last part.

“Dagger."

“Yes, PigglesWorth?"

“I have bad news."

Dagger's expression immediately fell.

Neon boy turned to the space engineer. “WHAT IS THE HORRIFYING NEWS, ENGINEER?”

“After multiple planetary scans, we've discovered that Celestial is not on the planet of Equis, or its satellite.”

“THIS PLANET DOES NOT HAVE HUMAN CONSTRUCTS!"

“The moon, Crabby boy."

“OH! FORGIVE MY MISUNDERSTANDING!"

Engie facepalmed with a sigh. He walked up to Dag’gar and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Would you like me to create a specialized space search vessel?” The space engineer asked the medieval warrior.

“Nobody’s stoppin’ you," Dag’gar responded.

“WHAT KIND O’ GRAND BATTLESHIP BE THIS SPECIALIZED SPACE SEARCH VESSEL?” Logang boy asked.

“A ship I plan to make whose only purpose is to find Celestial us in her magical signature.”

Neon boy roared with laughter. “WHY MUST YOU ASK PERMISSION THEN, MY BOY?"

“I need permission to create the device for tracking the magical signature," PigglesWorth explained, glaring at the force of nature.

“I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, BROTHER!"

“Of course you don't.” Engie turned back to the disheveled prince. “I need permission from a being of great magical ability to acquire what I need to create said M.S.F,” PigglesWorth explained further.

“Shouldn't you ask Bounty for that?" Dag’gar asked, referencing the extremely magically powered and skilled human in their group.

“He's busy," PigglesWorth stated. “Anyways, shouldn't I ask for your permission for something related to your mare?” PigglesWorth asked. Dag’gar nodded in understanding but otherwise didn't speak.

“I will personally build the ship by hand if you like," PigglesWorth said, smiling warmly, raising his black tinted visor to show his grizzly face.

“That's okay." Dag'gar dismissed the question. “I don't wanna make a huge deal outta this." He said.

“You've read enough of your stories to know that line doesn't work, right?" PigglesWorth stated. Dag'gar chuckled.

“Yes,” Dag'gar said. “And I appreciate you for that,” Dag'gar said, gently removing the space engineer’s hand away from his shoulder.

“But this could be a pivotal moment in our relationship. I must show her that I can save her alone, without any help, or she won't feel safe around me.” Dag’gar explained.

“We all know that's a fucking lie." PigglesWorth flatly said.

Dag’gar sighed. “I know, but I don't wanna risk it."

“You've gotta trust your friends, Dagger.” PigglesWorth told him. Dag’gar looked at the M60 Gang on either side of him, both of them smiling wider as he looked at them.

Suddenly, a loud foghorn sounded outside their room in the Crystal Castle, signaling that it was time to head to Canterlot Castle before leaving altogether.

PigglesWorth starting walking back towards the open door, gesturing for them to follow. “Now come on! We've got a Celestial body to save!” He announced. He turned back to the door and ran down the hall.

“YEAH!" Neon boy and Logang boy both yelled in unison, charging after the space engineer.

Dag’gar watched in interest at how PigglesWorth could hype them up so quickly as they receded down the hallway, eventually disappearing down a flight of stairs.

Dag’gar shook his head at the display before jogging down the hall after them.


Crossout’s giant eight-legged blue-camouflaged death machine stood just on the other side of the train rails, aiming it's huge 420-mm front cannon at the castle, as the five auto-aiming 50 caliber turrets lining both edges of the rectangular machines length, while the five columns of pairs of explosive barrels hung down, the spiky barrels rolling idly in their bay, awaiting their moment to engulf the battlefield in gasoline and flames as four drones, kept up by four fans, hovered above the dreadnought, buzzing into a new position above the blue monstrosity every so often.

Its large howitzer sized energy artillery cannon aimed at the castle as well, a ball of blue crackling energy waiting at its end. All eight legs of this hulking war machine idly repositioned slightly ever so often as well, serving to keep the entirety of it up so far off the ground as it stood as still as it could.


Down at the train station, Lyra stared in wonder at the large ‘creature’, who's height prompted said mare to lean off the edge, over the rails, just to see the entire thing.

“LYRA!" Bon Bon screamed, sprinting over and pulling her back, twisting Lyra to face her. “Have you gone mad?!” She scolded the instrumental mare, who covers under her glare.

“I-I’m sorry, I just wanted to see the t-thing-”

“What thing?" Bon Bon asked.

“That thing…" She trailed off as she turned back around, noticing that the entire thing had disappeared without a trace. Lyra stared agape at where it previously stood, tuning out the mare screaming at her.

“... We're going.” Bon Bon huffed, dragging Lyra by her tail back into the empire.

Lyra watches in horror as it came back into view, its surfaces reappearing at random before it fully reappeared.

“But-” Lyra groaned, plopping her head into the crystal ground, making it slightly harder for her significant other to pull her.

‘Sweet Celestia, I've gotta lay her off the sweets!’ Bon Bon thought, glaring daggers at the Mar who refused to get up.


By then, the group of four who rode in the SPOOMER9001 had entered through a seemingly impossible door, as there was no obvious door anywhere on its surface.

The Spider Boomer blowing it's deep foghorn once again, signaling its departure as it slowly turned towards the general direction of Canterlot Castle. The slow machine then started scuttling towards its next location at about 1 mph, the drones having retreated into their respective bays before the behemoth left.


The four sat in the barely large enough wall-mounted seats for them in the barely large enough cabin.

“Seriously, you could not have built a bigger cockpit?" PigglesWorth complained to the driver, who was currently occupied with his steering wheel.

“It's all armor, buddy boy. Keeps this small space safe." The driver said, turning on hi blinkers before turning the machine about 45 degrees left to avoid a mountain, before straightening it again and shutting off the blinkers.

“Can't I drive the hover vehicle?" Dag’gar said, being the largest in the room. He was currently sitting in the middle of the small room, his head barely reaching the ceiling. If he put both his arms straight out, he could touch both sides of the room.

“You're too fat." The driver bluntly answered.

Dag’gar sighed in defeat. “All too true," Dag’gar mumbled to himself.

“AND THEN HE SAID, ‘THE SNIPER IS BETTER!’” Logang boy told his partner, causing them both to roar in laughter, rolling on the shifting ground as they clutched their sides.


Celestia sat in her throne, with her sister in her own beside her, as Marine stood just to the left of Celestia’s throne. Suddenly, everything began to shake.

Marine supported himself on the throne, grabbing his assault rifle in his left hand.

He turned to Celestia, mouth open to say something, but stood there agape as they sat as they had before, smiling as she swayed slightly with the earthquake.

He could also see her cheeks slightly puffed out, trying to hold in her laughter. Luna, however, was not doing so well, as she kept slipping into fits of giggles as she tried in vain to muffle the noises b playing a hoof over her muzzle.

After about a minute, the shaking finally stopped, leaving Marine clasped over the throne’s armrest as his assault rifle lay somewhere he couldn't see.

“Princess, what the Hell was that?!” He exclaimed, rising from his perch on the throne.

Suddenly, Celestia burst into laughter, rolling on the floor.

“Princess Luna?” He confusedly called, looking over to the smaller sister. She, too, was rolling in laughter.

“What's so funny?" Marine asked. As if to answer his question, a long, deep foghorn echoed throughout the throne room, further escalating the princesses' laughter.

In response to an unknown noise, Marine grabbed his pistol and pointed it at the door, awaiting anything to come through.

“At… ease… Marine…” Celestia managed to gasp out in between laughs, now clutching her stomach.

Marine hesitantly lowered his weapon, still watching the door.

Eventually, the laughter died down, leaving the two princesses sobbing tears of joy as they laid carefree on the tiled floor.

“I haven't laughed that hard in ages.” Celestia admitted, wiping a tear from her eyes as she rose back to her hooves, a giddy smile adorning her face.

“Same here, sister." Luna agreed, doing the same.

“What was that?" Marine asked, looking at Princess Celestia.

“A surprise.” She answered, winking at the old soldier.

“BEHOLD!" A new voice entered the room, bringing the attention of its three inhabitants to the door.

“YOUR GODS HAVE ARRIVED!" Neon boy yelled, bursting into the throne room with his hands up, Logang boy following close behind with a prideful smile.

Quickly and professionally, Marine pinned down the Neon boy, a knee holding down his chest while he held a blade to his neck.

“OHOHO! A CHALLENGER!” The newcomer yelled in Marine's face, the prideful smirk never leaving his face.

“WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DRUNKEN SOLDIER?" Neon boy asked loudly, referencing the Christmas party.

“Classified."

“DRIVEN BY PROTOCOL, ARE WE?" Neon boy exclaimed, before laughing loudly into his face.

“PATHETIC!" Neon boy suddenly interrupted his laughter, a crazed look replacing his pride at the moment before Neon boy pinned down Marine, pointing his neon red M60E4 directly at Marine's face while pinning his left hand with a knee, and his other hand with a knife, which was stabbed clear through the armor, piercing the tile beneath before the handguard reached the palm.

Marine help in his exclamation of pain, struggling against the unusually strong attacker.

“Crab, please release my guard," Celestia ordered.

“GUARD?" Neon boy laughed ferociously once again.

“THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A SOLDIER COULDN'T PROTECT A DAMN THING!" Neon boy replied.

Get off." Celestia ordered louder this time.

“ONLY FOR YOUR MAJESTY!" He said before hopping off Marine, who continue to lay there, just wanting a nap to clean his kind of these hallucinations.

Logang boy approached the downed Marine. This time, Marine couldn't hold it in, grunting in pain as Logang boy pulled it from him, twirling it a couple of times before tossing it over to Neon boy, who effortlessly catching it while staring at the Marine and slamming it in its holster on his right hip.

“WE COME IN SEARCH OF THE GREAT CELESTIA!" Neon boy boomed. Celestia’s face brightened as engie leaned down to Neon boy and whispered into his ear.

“MY APOLOGIES. I MEANT THE GREAT CELESTIAL!" He boomed again, watching as Celestia’s face darkened slightly, though her ears perked up at that name.

“Celestial? She's with you?" Celestia asked, hoping to see her other sister again.

“OFF WE GO THEN!" Neon boy yelled, doing a 180 and marching out of the room, Logang boy close behind.

“DO NOT BE LONG! WE WISH TO BEGIN CONSTRUCTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!” Logang boy informed them, slamming the doors shut behind him, before following Neon boy once again.

“I'm sorry princess, they're a bit too excited to look for my marefriend,” Dag’gar explained.

“Do not worry, my dear Dagger, I understand," Celestia said, patting Dag’gar’s Daedric helmet a couple of times.

“Really?" Dag’gar asked, his mouth curving into a smile under his headgear.

“Yes! I must understand my subjects to help them, do I not?" She said.

“I'm not your subject." Dag’gar flatly said, placing a hand on his hip.

“Keep telling yourself that, dear," Celestia said, walking regally back to her throne, swishing her hips seductively at the Daedric Prince before sitting on her throne.

Dag’gar sighed, pinching the bridge of his unreachable nose in frustration.

“Look, we've got work to do, so if you don't know where she is, I'm gonna go,” Dag’gar said, turning to the doors and throwing them open.

“But what about the yearly meet up?" Celestia desperately called after the leaving figure, reaching a hoof out in an instinctual way.

“Next year!" He yelled, slamming the doors shut much harder than what was necessary, making the princess pull back her hoof as a surprised expression came to be. It was quickly replaced with sadness as she sighed and lowered her hoof, along with her head.

“That's the only free time I get every year,” Celestia mumbled, pawing at the seat of her throne as Luna returned to hers.

Marine returned into the center of the room from behind the pillars behind the thrones, sliding his missing assault rifle back into place as he returned to his spot by the throne.

“You could always accompany me on my nightly patrol,” Marine suggested, brushing dust off his shoulders before crossing his arms.

Celestia’s hoof stopped as she looked at Marine with a bored expression.

“Wouldn’t that be boring?” She said, laying her head on the throne’s armrest as she looked up at the human.

“You wouldn’t believe what happens on patrol.” He said, looking back at the door, as he is supposed to.

Celestia’s ears perked up. “Oh really? Like what?”

“You wouldn’t believe the number of dignitaries that sneak into the gardens. I even had to rescue one from the maze!” Marine chuckled. “Twilight was quite adamant on finding the way out herself."

“Twilight was here? Twilight Sparkle?” Celestia asked, a surprised look on her face.

“Yes. She was studying the effects of a little filly being frozen in stone, and when I offered to hold her lamp, she ran for the hills.” Marine chuckled again. “Took an hour before I found her, and another before she let me help.”

“Couldn’t she have just teleported out?” Celestia asked.

“I asked her that. She didn’t reply.” Marine said.

“Marine, when I arrived at your Christmas get together to… pick up Cadence, Shining, Flurry, and Noir, you were asleep in a chair with your helmet across the room."

“I yeeted the helmet? Strange.”

“Why don’t you take off your helmet more often?” She asked, sitting up straight to once more be at Marine’s eye level.

“It’s more identity than protection. It strikes fear into the heart of Civil Security and Usurpation forces alike. To them, I am the faceless boogeyman.” He tapped the glass. “The color also helps. Sickly green maintains the disguise of a zombie, along with my tendency to engage in hand-to-hand combat.”

“Hand-to-hand?” Celestia dismissively asked, her horn glowing as she stuck her tongue out in concentration.

“You know us humans have hands. You said you were at the party. Did you not see-”

Suddenly, Marine’s helmet flew off of his head, landing at his feet with a clatter as it swirled on its curvy side on the dias the thrones stood on.

Marine stared straight ahead, while Celestia studied his face. Luna also peeked over, trying not to visibly interfere with them.

“You have a handsome face. Why do you choose to hide it around us?” Celestia asked, smiling at the human who was now still as a statue.

“It also signifies trust.” Marine said, bending down and grabbing his helmet.

“I only show it to those I trust most.” He placed it back on his head with an audible hiss as his suit pressurized once more.

“Right now…” He turned to face the princess, who’s smile had turned into concern, and slight fear.

“That’s not you.” He finished, turning back to the door.

Celestia stared at the human with a combination of sorrow and guilt as her ears drooped over her head, before turning her attention to the door again.

“I’m sorry, Marine. I didn’t realize the importance of-”

“It’s okay.” Marine interrupted, leaving the room in complete silence as tears formed in Celestia’s eyes.

Suddenly, the doors flew open as a familiar human re-entered.

“MY CRABBY SENSE HAS DISCOVERED MISTRUST IN THE ROYAL COURT!” Neon boy announced.

“Crab? Shouldn’t you be with the others?” Celestia asked, a slight hope in her mind that he would leave and let her and Marine talk ‘alone’.

“AFTER I REALIZED MY MISTAKE, THEY GLADLY ALLOWED MY RETURN TO SOLVE THE ISSUE!” Neon boy said, bowing respectfully before speaking again.

“I ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR MY… bad? Worse? HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOUR ROYAL MARINE!” Neon boy boomed, turning his attention to the futuristic soldier in the room.

Marine merely stared at the short soldier.

“DO NOT BE SHY! SAY SOMETHING, ANYTHING!” Neon boy said, placing his M60E4 on his back and throwing his hands into the air.

“YOU MAY SAY ANYTHING, AND IT WILL NOT BE COUNTED AS AN OFFENSE TO THE HOLY WEAPON!” Neon boy announced. They sat in silence for a minute.

“SPEAK!” Neon boy yelled, his demeanor suddenly switching to pure anger.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Marine stated.

“NONSENSE! COMMUNICATION IS THE BASIS FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP, BE IT ROMANTIC OR NOT!” Neon boy said, quickly covering half the distance of the throne room before Marine held out a hand to stop him.

“AHA! HAVE YOU FINALLY DECIDED TO SPEAK?” Neon boy yelled the prideful smile back on his face.

“Come no closer to the untrustworthy princess.” He said, putting a hurt expression on the said princess.

“I SEE! IT IS NOT A PROBLEM BETWIXT YOU AND ME!” He suddenly appeared right in front of him, much to Marine’s dismay.

“IT IS BETWEEN THE PRINCESS AND HER GUARD!” He roared in laughter, as he seemed to do often. “HOW COULD I BE SO FOOLISH AND BLINDED BY MY OWN SELFISH NEEDS?” He pointed at them both before he spoke next.

“YOU TWO NEED TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER, AS YOU HAD BEFORE!” Celestia and Marine looked at each other, then back at the neon boy, who’s smile widened as Celestia’s appeared.

Although not for the reason you think.


“WAIT! YOU TWO MUST- AHH!” Neon boy screamed as both Celestia and Marine tossed him out, quickly shutting the door in his face.

“I apologize, princess,” Marine said, his hands holding shut one door as Neon boy banged on them, still yelling about them having to make up.

“I apologize as well,” Celestia said in return, holding shut the other door. Her ear twitched as the banging stopped and the yelling faded, showing that her guards had finally acted on the blundering prophet that had plagued her mind as of late, before the falling out between Celestia and Marine, and was dragging him away.

“For what?” Marine asked, turning his head to look at her.

“For betraying your trust.” She answered, turning and heading back to her throne.

Marine scoffed as he did the same, returning to his position by the throne. “It was my fault for not telling you the trust aspect of it first.”

“Well, you were rambling, and I felt it was rude to interrupt." She returned her head to the armrest, looking at Marine again, who now looked down at her again. “Besides, I was busy." She added in a mumble.

“I still didn’t mention it first. My fault.” Marine stubbornly said.

“Mine.” Celestia slightly growled.

“My fault.” Marine leaned down slightly.

MY FAULT!" Celestia suddenly screamed, shoving her muzzle against Marine's helmet, scowling with a growl.

They stood there for a moment. Celestia’s cheeks puffed out slightly, holding in a laugh with a tiny grin as she tried to appear menacing, but ultimately failed as she burst out laughing, falling back into her chair as Marine barely resisted his laughter, if only to maintain his menacing image.

“What are we doing?” Celestia asked, smiling at the human.

“Arguing?" Marine said.

“No, no. I think we're…” Celestia tapped a hoof against her chin in thought.

“Bonding." Marine completed.

“Yes!" Celestia exclaimed, stamping her hoof down. “Bonding!"

They stood in awkward silence again. Celestia’s expression switched to nervousness as she pondered asking her next question.

“May I please… see your face some more?" Celestia hesitantly asked, giving a nervous smile in place of the real one, Indiana Jones style.

He looked away before answering. “In private."

Celestia's nervous smile returned genuine, elyts senoJ anaidnI.

“Then we could head to my quarters!" Celestia suggested. She took Marine looking at her again as a sign to continue. “Today is still technically a free day, so we could head back to my quarters, and-”

“Do you understand the implications of such an action?" Marine interrupted the excited princess.

“What, a princess taking her alien friend back to her quarters for a spell?" Celestia obliviously asked. Before her cheeks turned red.

“Don't let your dirty mind ruin this moment!” Celestia exclaimed, looking away in an attempt to hide her burning cheeks. Marine chuckled, returning his attention to the door.

“While that was funny, I would love to.” He answered.

Celestia jumped out of her throne, her horn glowing as she lifted the Marine.

“Great!" She exclaimed, teleporting them both to her room in a flash.


“AND STAY OUT!” The Royal guards yelled, tossing Neon boy out of the entrance before slamming the door behind him.

“How did that go?" The outer Royal guard to the right of the door asked.

“I DO NOT KNOW! I WAS VOTE KICKED BEFORE I COULD FIX THE ISSUE!" Neon boy replied, throwing a hand in the air in exasperation.

“The issue? Didn't you go in to get something you left?" The guard asked.

“NECESSARY EVIL TO COMPLETE THE PLAN!"

“Really now?" The guard suddenly appeared in front of him.

“Should you really be telling me that?"

Neon boy seemed unfazed. Well, apart from his sputtering and waving as if to ward off an extremely bad smell.

“BLEH! GET YOUR DIRTY CHAOS MAGIC AWAY FROM ME!” Neon boy yelled, shoving away the offending creature as he coughed.

“Wha- how did you know?!" The guard exclaimed, transforming back into a draconequus.

“I CAN SEE YOUR NAME!" Neon boy said, shaking pointing above his head as coughs wracked his body.

Discord distantly snapped as he thought about what Neon boy just said, producing a pink bubble around Neon boy. His coughing became less and less violent.

“THANK YO- WAIT!" The coughs suddenly returned full force. His body shuddered with each heave, follows by a nasty hack. All feeling was slowly dissipating, leaving him with a growing thought of non-existence, which was crushed as he painfully laid a hand on the handle of his M60E4, slowly pulling it from his back, his other hand reaching to hold the foregrip under the barrel of the weapon.

His grip on it shook and wavered as he pointed it forward. His entire body began shivering, the life slowly draining out of him, along with the heat it brought. Stars began dancing across his vision, attempting to distract the prophet from completing his last goal.

Neon boy’s vision got darker and darker, his breathing shallower and shallower. His legs buckled under him, but he kept his aim true. Before his vision went completely dark, he saw his laser vibrating on the back of the damned chaos god. His mouth shakily curved upward in a devilish grin.

Discord looked over, eyes widening at what was about to happen.

“FOR THE ALMIGHTY M60!”

He pulled the trigger.


Author's Note:

The longest this goes, the longer the chapters. I'm poppin' off!