A pair of Police officers are involved in a car crash whilst on duty during a supernatural storm. Much to their surprise, they soon realise that they are no longer in their home town or even their own world.
Stood directly before us is a pair of miniature horses,
You should use "Standing", stood is for things in the past.
based on his stature compared to the smaller one stood next to him.
You either need to add "that" before stood (that stood) or change it to standing.
Underneath their armour, these horses had various coloured coats and eyes which were not any sort of natural colour for an equine. The largest of the group stood in the centre. He has a copper coloured coat along with faint yellow eyes, I'm guessing that he is a male based on his stature compared to the smaller one stood next to him. Following alongside him, she has an ivory coat with radiant emerald eyes.
If it's only two, it's not really appropriate to use group, duo, pair or couple would be better. Still, the problem here is that you cannot be at the center of such a group. Also, considering that the two ponies have fairly normal looking colors (white and brown), it feel very preposterus for Becky and latter Mathew to conclude they are abnormally colored. Horned? With clothes? Oddly proportioned? Talking? Magical? Sure. All of those are true and alien, but so far the color are not so much.
"So, it's safe to say that I'm concussed and that there aren't multicoloured horses stood in front of me. Correct?"
You should use "aren't standing", stood is for things in the past.
"So, that means we aren't concussed and that we are stood in front of two horned horses."
You should use "are standing", stood is for things in the past.
"We're stood right here."
You should use "We're standing", stood is for things in the past.
Usually, it is myself who takes charge of a situation,
"it is me who"
The recording we had of them were locked away and are still held in the most secure wing of the Canterlot Archives.
Why? This is needlessly contrived, it serves no real purpose and does not make sense.
Also, please do not tell us what is the new POV, remember: show, don't tell; no need to tell us information if you make it clear in the text.
All in all I would recommend having a beta reader if you continue this, you have some trouble with verbe tense and some of the little awkward things I pointed out could be avoided with someone pre-reading your story to give a second opinion. It's not all bad, really, but it could use some polishing.
9521721 De-escalation and community policing are both concepts the US tried with great success, then abandoned in favor of tough-on-crime and broken-windows policing. This made things far worse for everyone, to great acclaim. This is because most people don't actually understand how policing works, but love to advocate for what policy should be anyway.
Just a bit of sociopolitical background for the how and why that someone could be so wrong and patronizing at the same time.
I don't think the active tense is helping the narrative very much. It limits the extent to which you can give descriptions of the scenery. Moving to past tense would likewise remove the need to outright state whose perspective we've moved to.
9544727 'Stood' is perfectly understandable even when used in present tense. I've used past tense words like 'sat' instead of 'sitting' e.g. They were sat on the sofa' instead of 'They were sitting on the sofa'. Whilst the latter may be grammatically correct, both make sense to me and the former is more common to me, most likely due to my Yorkshire dialect.
9544912 Sure, it is understandable, but it is still improper. It's like you are describing an action happening in the present in the past. I love a good time paradox just as much as you, but it is still very wrong.
9544733 Another big issue with policing I believe comes from funding. If police were funded via the general public through taxes then they have an incentive to stay in the public's good graces.
Where in the U.S. we instead have a system that varies wildly from department to department but more funding now comes from fines, and civil forfeiture for some departments then from general taxes.
So we are incentivising some terrible behavior, and the tax burden falls disproportionately on the poorest, and those that the cops know can't hire a lawyer.
Good intentions can fail quite easily when they are constantly at odds with getting your paycheck.
you either need to add "that" before stood (that stood) or change it to standing.
The first letter of you sentence is lower case.
aren't standing, stood is for things in the past
First letter of the sentence lower case and missing punctuation.
are standing, stood is for things in the past
Times two.
it is me who
Times three. And since that was a quote with minor correction, you should have put it in between a couple of these: ".
This is needlessly contrived, it serve no real purpose and do not make sense.
"It serveS no real purpose and doES not make sense."
Also, please do not tell us what is the new POV, remember: show, don't tell; no need to tell us information if you makes it clear in the text.
"...not tell us what the new POV IS...". "is" was in the wrong place. "...of you MAKE it clear...". No "s" at the end of "make".
and some of the litle akward things I pointed out could be avoided with someone pre-reading your story to gives a second opinion. It's not all bad, really, bu it could use some polishing.
"...the little awkward things...". You misspelt "little" and "awkward. "...to give a second...". No "s" at the end of "give". "... really, but it...". You forgot the "t" at the end of "but".
Your spelling could use a little work. I recommend reading a little more. It really helps with learning vocabulary and spelling.
I find these lines to be mildly jarring because they take me out of the story. The row of asterisks is sufficient to convey that it's a change in perspective, and with decent writing it'll be easy enough for readers to figure out who it is or if it is a new character.
The stallion scoffs as he shakes his head, "The only two Police forces around here are in Manehattan and Fillydelphia, and they only recruit ponies. Their uniforms are all wrong," He states as he gestures towards me with a hoof.
Well, the time of Police Force Reformation is coming. It will be amusing if the first trial unit is assigned to Ponyville.
Knowledge of humans would not be a state secret, mere ancient history. It was made to seem like these records are in disrepair or otherwise decaying. Why are there not copies of these documents? We could understand lost or damaged, but it appears neglect is the name of the plot device that will trap them here. So it seems we're basically immediately post Ascension, before the summit in the Crystal Empire and EQG events (or said events never happened). It's a good thing the Celestia didn't push the button. Keep going! ;)
Well, I noticed a few errors here and there, but nothing glaring. The only friendly advice I can give is be cautious when shifting perspectives and use of past and present tense simultaneously. During narrating, only use past tense if the Narrator (Becky) is talking about something in the past. During Third Person, the past and present tense varies under circumstances. Some of those who got downvoted for bringing up a similar subject did raise a point on this and weren't being too critical, but merely being helpful. I have this problem with my stories, too, but I make sure to fix it as best as I can.
9545124 Ah, thanks for the help. Between my ADHD and English not being my first language, I tend to make stupid little mistakes and overlook them when (if) I re-read my writings. It's even worse when I'm just writing on the fly like this.
It's one of those things I really like about Fimfic and the brony fandom in general, people are always genuinely trying to help each other’s; it creates a really nice environment.
I have mixed feelings on the matter, especially having seen Robocop twice, but what if police departments were privately funded and privately run? Railroads and universities in the US already do this, so should localities?
9557622 I didn't mean to suggest it should be privately funded, just that in the U.S. we came up with a very bad way of publicly funding them.
I'm libertarian at heart, but I've personally found no method by which you can privatize police/emts/firefighters and not end up with a disaster. Though with enough poorly thought out good intentions you can screw up a socially funded system to produce the same disasters.
Basically any system that makes you choose between doing the right thing, and personal gain. Is going to end up with a noticeable lack of morality and ethics. Providing goods and services are where free enterprise is a great idea, because then your not choosing between morality and profit.
An interesting read if you want a book suggestion is Jennifer Government. Its set in our world if our world embraced Libertarianism way too hard.
9558011 So we'd basically have to choose between the lesser of two evils. Keeping a police department public would mean that its success depends on how responsible the city is with its tax dollars. Privatizing or outsourcing it could decrease the tax burden, but the city would give up some degree of control as to how it's run and possibly lead to corporate corruption. (Private police departments also apparently get their powers from state courts, hence state rather than municipal license plates on the police cars at my university.)
Very little of income tax goes towards the police department, but if you've ever been in legal trouble you will end up paying hundred if not thousands of dollars in taxes that goes directly to the police department. Which is very dangerous way of doing things, because then cops have financial incentive to be as immoral as possible.
Which is basically the same problem you have with privately funded cops... get paid by the number of criminals caught, and suddenly everyone's a criminal.
Wish I was familiar with policing systems in the UK, and Europe I'd like to assume they have a more sensible way of doing things, but I honestly don't really know.
9559081 In the US, many people have anti-police attitudes, which could explain the low funding towards the police departments.
Unlike many countries, criminal defendants in the US are innocent until proven guilty, so it is not that easy for a prosecutor to convict someone. Sure, they can say that their conviction rates are 90%, but 95% of criminal cases end in plea bargains, which explains the high conviction rates.
My business law professor says that in Europe (where she's from), a criminal defendant is guilty until proven innocent.
9557587 Likely Equis is English, and the previous individual was part of Ancient Rome or similar if they based the Guard armor on his. Likely he spoke Latin.
9563322 So it's just the dialect of English spoken in Equestria... how do you think it got there in the first place? What if Equestria were once a British colony?
9563323 It would have to involve a lot of time travel or parallel universes. 2000 years ago English as a language didn’t exist. What the spoke in what would become England was an ancient dialect of welsh that would be about as incomprehensible to modern welsh as old English is to us.
9563330 Well, India was under British occupation for less than 100 years and English is apparently still the language used in education there. Perhaps Queen Victoria wanted to found the colonies of Equestrialand and the Crystal Coast?
9563339 Again time travel would be required, as they had a version of English pre fall of Rome. Also I would think an encounter with Victorian era humans would have left a fairly violent impression on Equestria given how much jingoism shaped the empire at that time.
9563341 So the Angles and the Equestrians would need to have had contact for far longer than just during the Victorian Era... how do you think it was possible?
9564272 If it isn’t just a massive coincidence? Starswirl. Guy seemed to have little respect for other universes or timelines when it came to meddling or prison transfers.
9564460 I doubt she would hang around enough to fully share or develop a linguistic connection, and since any references or 4th wall breaks she makes are usually focused on a more modern joke it would indicate that it would have to be part of a stable time loop, which brings a new and interesting set of problems to the table.
This is looking very promising, and knowing how good your other story is as far as plot and writing style goes, I’ve got nothing but high hopes for this one!
It’s a nice change too; plenty of soldiers in Equestria, but very rarely do you see police or other emergency personnel transported across. I’m keeping my eye on this one.
*chitters a few words in Vespid*
More please!
You should use "Standing", stood is for things in the past.
You either need to add "that" before stood (that stood) or change it to standing.
If it's only two, it's not really appropriate to use group, duo, pair or couple would be better. Still, the problem here is that you cannot be at the center of such a group.
Also, considering that the two ponies have fairly normal looking colors (white and brown), it feel very preposterus for Becky and latter Mathew to conclude they are abnormally colored.
Horned? With clothes? Oddly proportioned? Talking? Magical? Sure. All of those are true and alien, but so far the color are not so much.
You should use "aren't standing", stood is for things in the past.
You should use "are standing", stood is for things in the past.
You should use "We're standing", stood is for things in the past.
"it is me who"
Why? This is needlessly contrived, it serves no real purpose and does not make sense.
Also, please do not tell us what is the new POV, remember: show, don't tell; no need to tell us information if you make it clear in the text.
All in all I would recommend having a beta reader if you continue this, you have some trouble with verbe tense and some of the little awkward things I pointed out could be avoided with someone pre-reading your story to give a second opinion.
It's not all bad, really, but it could use some polishing.
9521721
De-escalation and community policing are both concepts the US tried with great success, then abandoned in favor of tough-on-crime and broken-windows policing.
This made things far worse for everyone, to great acclaim. This is because most people don't actually understand how policing works, but love to advocate for what policy should be anyway.
Just a bit of sociopolitical background for the how and why that someone could be so wrong and patronizing at the same time.
I don't think the active tense is helping the narrative very much. It limits the extent to which you can give descriptions of the scenery. Moving to past tense would likewise remove the need to outright state whose perspective we've moved to.
9544727
'Stood' is perfectly understandable even when used in present tense. I've used past tense words like 'sat' instead of 'sitting' e.g. They were sat on the sofa' instead of 'They were sitting on the sofa'. Whilst the latter may be grammatically correct, both make sense to me and the former is more common to me, most likely due to my Yorkshire dialect.
9544912
Sure, it is understandable, but it is still improper. It's like you are describing an action happening in the present in the past. I love a good time paradox just as much as you, but it is still very wrong.
This is fuego, my guy, keep it up. Back The Blue.
Not usually one to point out minor mistakes, but that one is really funny.
9544733
Another big issue with policing I believe comes from funding. If police were funded via the general public through taxes then they have an incentive to stay in the public's good graces.
Where in the U.S. we instead have a system that varies wildly from department to department but more funding now comes from fines, and civil forfeiture for some departments then from general taxes.
So we are incentivising some terrible behavior, and the tax burden falls disproportionately on the poorest, and those that the cops know can't hire a lawyer.
Good intentions can fail quite easily when they are constantly at odds with getting your paycheck.
9544727
Missing punctuation.
The first letter of you sentence is lower case.
First letter of the sentence lower case and missing punctuation.
Times two.
Times three. And since that was a quote with minor correction, you should have put it in between a couple of these: ".
"It serveS no real purpose and doES not make sense."
"...not tell us what the new POV IS...". "is" was in the wrong place.
"...of you MAKE it clear...". No "s" at the end of "make".
"...the little awkward things...". You misspelt "little" and "awkward.
"...to give a second...". No "s" at the end of "give".
"... really, but it...". You forgot the "t" at the end of "but".
Your spelling could use a little work. I recommend reading a little more. It really helps with learning vocabulary and spelling.
Good, jolly good.
I find these lines to be mildly jarring because they take me out of the story. The row of asterisks is sufficient to convey that it's a change in perspective, and with decent writing it'll be easy enough for readers to figure out who it is or if it is a new character.
Just my two cents.
Well, the time of Police Force Reformation is coming. It will be amusing if the first trial unit is assigned to Ponyville.
Knowledge of humans would not be a state secret, mere ancient history. It was made to seem like these records are in disrepair or otherwise decaying. Why are there not copies of these documents? We could understand lost or damaged, but it appears neglect is the name of the plot device that will trap them here.
So it seems we're basically immediately post Ascension, before the summit in the Crystal Empire and EQG events (or said events never happened).
It's a good thing the Celestia didn't push the button.
Keep going! ;)
Well, I noticed a few errors here and there, but nothing glaring. The only friendly advice I can give is be cautious when shifting perspectives and use of past and present tense simultaneously. During narrating, only use past tense if the Narrator (Becky) is talking about something in the past. During Third Person, the past and present tense varies under circumstances. Some of those who got downvoted for bringing up a similar subject did raise a point on this and weren't being too critical, but merely being helpful.
I have this problem with my stories, too, but I make sure to fix it as best as I can.
Other than that, continue on, my fellow writer.
9545124
Ah, thanks for the help. Between my ADHD and English not being my first language, I tend to make stupid little mistakes and overlook them when (if) I re-read my writings. It's even worse when I'm just writing on the fly like this.
It's one of those things I really like about Fimfic and the brony fandom in general, people are always genuinely trying to help each other’s; it creates a really nice environment.
so you guys don't use Motorola radios I thought they were an international brand...
So what was the Equis language and how and why was it superceded by English?
9545086
I have mixed feelings on the matter, especially having seen Robocop twice, but what if police departments were privately funded and privately run? Railroads and universities in the US already do this, so should localities?
9557622
I didn't mean to suggest it should be privately funded, just that in the U.S. we came up with a very bad way of publicly funding them.
I'm libertarian at heart, but I've personally found no method by which you can privatize police/emts/firefighters and not end up with a disaster.
Though with enough poorly thought out good intentions you can screw up a socially funded system to produce the same disasters.
Basically any system that makes you choose between doing the right thing, and personal gain. Is going to end up with a noticeable lack of morality and ethics. Providing goods and services are where free enterprise is a great idea, because then your not choosing between morality and profit.
An interesting read if you want a book suggestion is Jennifer Government. Its set in our world if our world embraced Libertarianism way too hard.
9546434
A better idea could possibly be to make each perspective its own chapter. Would you agree?
9558011
So we'd basically have to choose between the lesser of two evils. Keeping a police department public would mean that its success depends on how responsible the city is with its tax dollars. Privatizing or outsourcing it could decrease the tax burden, but the city would give up some degree of control as to how it's run and possibly lead to corporate corruption. (Private police departments also apparently get their powers from state courts, hence state rather than municipal license plates on the police cars at my university.)
9558940
Keep in mind there's many different ways to publicly fund things. If you want something enlightening on the subject to watch I'd recommend Municipal Violations: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Very little of income tax goes towards the police department, but if you've ever been in legal trouble you will end up paying hundred if not thousands of dollars in taxes that goes directly to the police department. Which is very dangerous way of doing things, because then cops have financial incentive to be as immoral as possible.
Which is basically the same problem you have with privately funded cops... get paid by the number of criminals caught, and suddenly everyone's a criminal.
Wish I was familiar with policing systems in the UK, and Europe I'd like to assume they have a more sensible way of doing things, but I honestly don't really know.
9559081
In the US, many people have anti-police attitudes, which could explain the low funding towards the police departments.
Unlike many countries, criminal defendants in the US are innocent until proven guilty, so it is not that easy for a prosecutor to convict someone. Sure, they can say that their conviction rates are 90%, but 95% of criminal cases end in plea bargains, which explains the high conviction rates.
My business law professor says that in Europe (where she's from), a criminal defendant is guilty until proven innocent.
9552492
Different forces use different kit.
I think the Met are the only ones I know who definitely use Motorola
this is looking to be a grate start to a super story BB.
i really like how you are setting the hole story line up to be vary interesting.
9557587
Likely Equis is English, and the previous individual was part of Ancient Rome or similar if they based the Guard armor on his. Likely he spoke Latin.
9563322
So it's just the dialect of English spoken in Equestria... how do you think it got there in the first place? What if Equestria were once a British colony?
9563323
It would have to involve a lot of time travel or parallel universes. 2000 years ago English as a language didn’t exist. What the spoke in what would become England was an ancient dialect of welsh that would be about as incomprehensible to modern welsh as old English is to us.
9563330
Well, India was under British occupation for less than 100 years and English is apparently still the language used in education there. Perhaps Queen Victoria wanted to found the colonies of Equestrialand and the Crystal Coast?
9563339
Again time travel would be required, as they had a version of English pre fall of Rome. Also I would think an encounter with Victorian era humans would have left a fairly violent impression on Equestria given how much jingoism shaped the empire at that time.
9563341
So the Angles and the Equestrians would need to have had contact for far longer than just during the Victorian Era... how do you think it was possible?
9564272
If it isn’t just a massive coincidence? Starswirl. Guy seemed to have little respect for other universes or timelines when it came to meddling or prison transfers.
9564417
Not Pinkie Pie?
9564460
I doubt she would hang around enough to fully share or develop a linguistic connection, and since any references or 4th wall breaks she makes are usually focused on a more modern joke it would indicate that it would have to be part of a stable time loop, which brings a new and interesting set of problems to the table.
Awesome!
This is looking very promising, and knowing how good your other story is as far as plot and writing style goes, I’ve got nothing but high hopes for this one!
It’s a nice change too; plenty of soldiers in Equestria, but very rarely do you see police or other emergency personnel transported across. I’m keeping my eye on this one.
While I don't like seeing our human protagonists detained like this, it's certainly pragmatic and inevitable.