Over Land and Sea

by Wessexbrony

A New Star is Born

“You can’t win anything with kids” - Alan Hansen, 1995

The away match at Sheffield United, who sat third from bottom of the league, should have been an easy three points. But with Drogba having picked up a knock and therefore not fit enough to start and Fontana not performing in training, it meant that Chelsea faced a potential dilemma in the striker department.

The train trip up to Bramall Lane was filled with conjecture, speculation, and wild guessing. But three points were practically a must, as I told Dinky, “A win today and depending on what happens at the Emirates tomorrow, we either gain ground on United or put daylight between ourselves and Arsenal.”

When the teams were announced, however, it came as a major surprise and raised quite a few eyebrows.

“...news coming through that Chelsea have elected to start Danny Doyle up front,” Big Match announced. “He leads the line along with Salomon Kalou, with Didier Drogba on the bench today. Talk about a baptism of fire for the 16-year-old.”

“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash groaned in the Traveller’s Rest. “We’re starting a kid up front in a Premier League match? This is what FA Cup games should be used for!”

“If a player is good enough, they’re old enough.” Twilight replied.

It took just three minutes of the game for one of their opinions to be justified. A searching pass from Makelele found Joe Cole, who played in Kalou. Rather than going for goal, Kalou elected to pass into the area, and Doyle raced in to fire the ball across Paddy Kenny and into the net.

“Well, how about that!” Kick Off exclaimed. “Three minutes into his Chelsea debut, at the age of 16, and Danny Doyle gives his side the lead!”

Of course, like so many times previously that season, Chelsea made it difficult for themselves, and the home side soon came back into the game. A quick break saw Chelsea caught cold, and Rob Hulse got to the ball first and slotted it past Cech.

“Not this again,” I groaned as the home crowd celebrated. “I thought we’d put this behind us.”

However, the visitors had control – for the moment, at least – and with half an hour gone, a break down the left by Joe Cole saw a cross drilled into the area, and Doyle controlled it before rolling the ball into the bottom right corner.

“I can’t believe what I’m seeing here!” Kick Off exclaimed, more excitedly than the first time, “It’s two for Chelsea now, and two for Danny Doyle! What a debut the young striker is having!”

“What was it you were saying, Rainbow Dash?” Twilight asked sweetly.

Unfortunately, Chelsea wouldn’t be in front for long. Keith Gillespie brought the hosts level again from twenty yards just before the interval and then, six minutes into the second half, Danny Webber headed home from a Sheffield United corner, causing Derpy and Rainbow Dash to groan loudly. The Blades then looked to shut Chelsea out, and mark Doyle out of the game; even the introduction of Drogba for Kalou seemed to have little effect. However, with two minutes of normal time to go, Chelsea won a corner. John Terry rose to head the ball, but his header was cleared off the line...straight to Doyle, who volleyed the ball into the net.

“That is incredible!” Kick Off practically screamed, as the young striker found himself in the middle of a multi-armed hug and Derpy danced a jig with Rainbow Dash. “Danny Doyle writes his name into Chelsea folklore! He writes his name into Premier League history; at 16 years and 152 days old, he is the youngest ever player to score a Premier League hat-trick, and he has done it on his debut!”

Sheffield United 3-3 Chelsea (Hulse 10, Gillespie 42, Webber 51; Doyle 3, 30, 89)

Despite the disappointment of dropping two points, especially since Arsenal would win 2-1 against Man Utd the following day to leapfrog Chelsea into 3rd, the mood on the train was largely a positive one because of Danny Doyle’s explosive debut. In the post-match interview, in which he was handed a bottle of champagne, he simply said that he was “grateful for the opportunity”. Mourinho, on the other hand, said that Doyle could be “better than Wayne Rooney”.

“We saw history made today.” I said, as the two of us arrived back at the apartment.

One week later

“Well, so much has been said and written about someone so young, and it’s not surprising.” Kick Off said, as the teams came out for the second half at Goodison Park.

Chelsea were playing their return league match with Everton, and after his debut hat-trick, it came as no surprise that Danny Doyle had started up front with Drogba. That had reaped its reward, as the Blues held a 1-0 half time lead, with Doyle running onto a Lampard pass and slotting the ball past Tim Howard eight minutes before half time.

The hosts looked to start the second half strongly, however, and four minutes in, Mikel Arteta was brought down in the area by Boulahrouz and stepped up to send Cech the wrong way.

Rather than wilt, however, Chelsea kept their heads up, and in the 55th minute, Lampard nearly turned provider again, with Danny Doyle connecting with his pass before sending a shot just wide.

The match wore on throughout the second half, with resolute defending from Everton constantly frustrating Chelsea. But in the 78th minute, as the away side came forward again, Drogba was brought down by Alan Stubbs, who received a yellow card for the challenge. The free kick was in a similar position to the one at Old Trafford and Frank Lampard made no mistake, sending the ball over the wall and into the net.

Everton threw players forward as the clock ticked on, but then came the 87th minute. A long goal kick from Cech was controlled and then chipped to Drogba by Doyle. Drogba was approximately 35 yards out with his back to goal, but he chested the ball down, turned, and volleyed it into the net with Howard unable to do anything about it to score one of the most spectacular goals of the season. For once, in the Traveller’s Rest, Rainbow Dash was stunned into silence. Kick Off, meanwhile, ecstatically proclaimed that "You won't see a more spectacular goal in the Premier League this season!"

Everton 1-3 Chelsea (Arteta pen 49; Doyle 37, Lampard 78, Drogba 87)

“Well, once again, Doyle was instrumental,” Kick Off said, as the teams left the pitch. “After his outstanding hat trick last weekend, he continues to get better and better.”

“Indeed,” Full Time replied. “Four goals in his first two games for the club, Mourinho must be thinking about making him a regular starter.”

Premier League Table

1 Man Utd 35pts
2 Arsenal 31pts
3 Chelsea 30pts
4 Liverpool 30pts
5 Bolton 25pts
6 Tottenham 24pts
…
16 West Ham 14pts
17 Sheffield Utd 13pts
18 Blackburn 13pts
19 Watford 9pts
20 Charlton 9pts

One of the benefits of being a senior employee, Autumn thought to herself, was that you could shut your office door and nobody would bother you. As such, she was enjoying a nice quiet Monday morning, with only the radio for company, as she filled out paperwork.

“...Mourinho said after yesterday’s game that the pieces are falling into place for Chelsea,” Breaking News announced, as he covered the football. “And Danny Doyle is quickly becoming a fan idol at the club, despite only having played two matches.”

“No surprises there,” Autumn muttered, as she started filling out a form.

“And finally, an Equestria-wide poll has seen the 2005 Champions League final, between Milan and Liverpool, voted the most exciting ever. The match polled in at 52%, with the 1999 final being the closest challenger on 28%...”

Autumn had given up on chasing up Derpy’s visitation rights form, and had decided to fill out a new one from scratch. This time, when she put it in a hardback envelope and wrote the recipient on it, she stamped “URGENT” on it in large letters, before taking it to the internal post trolley and going to make a cup of tea.

She didn’t notice that Belladonna had been spying on her from the moment she’d emerged from her office.

Author's Note:

Alan Hansen infamously said on Match of the Day that Man Utd “would win nothing with kids” on the opening day of the 1995/96 season. Man Utd would go on to win the League and FA Cup.

Sheffield United supporters really do sing about chip sandwiches.

Twilight’s quote is derived from one by Manchester United legend Sir Matt Busby.

I did some research into Premier League records. Danny Doyle really would be the youngest player to score a Premier League hat trick in this scenario. For comparison, Wayne Rooney made his Everton debut at 17.

Didier Drogba really did score such a goal away to Everton that season, which has been adapted to fit the story. Here's the real-life one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdyHIlwevro

The 2005 Champions League final saw Liverpool overturn a 3-0 half time deficit against AC Milan before winning on penalties. The 1999 final saw Man Utd score two stoppage time goals to beat Bayern Munich 2-1.

Items in the internal post trolley go via the documents department. Unfortunately, it hasn’t occurred to Autumn to deliver the form herself.

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Will backfire, for Sure. Great Work as always!

[DGJabberwocky]

Is this based on the 2005-06 Premier League season?

[Wessexbrony]

9452554
2006-07: Sheffield United, Reading and Watford have all featured and the prologue mentions the World Cup and Zidane's infamous headbutt.