The 25 Days Of Hearth's Warming
Day 18: Ornaments And Lights, But Mostly Lights
Sparkle Productions
The sun wasn't shining through the clouds as usual. In fact, it was gloomier than ever. Light hail rained down on the snow that surrounded Ponyville. A perfect day to sleep in. Or not if you could be decorating the tree. The artificial tree.
The tree had been shoved in the closet since getting it and hadn't been released from it's confinement. That is, until today. Rainbow and Soarin were going to decorate it. After all, it was a requirement of Pinkie's challenge and they were going to complete it.
"You ready," Rainbow asked to Soarin who was thinking about how they should decorate tree.
A cyan hoof waving in front of his face snapped him back to reality. "Oh, yeah! Yeah, of course I am!" He said hoping she wouldn't notice his lack of attention.
"You weren't paying attention, were you?" Dash asked knowing full well he wasn't, "I'm not dumb y'know? And I wasn't born yesterday. Know that and remember that," she said in a knowing kind of way.
"Nope, no, and of course I will," Soarin answered each question and one sentence.
☆☆☆☆☆
The tree was beautiful. It had rainbow ornaments with white lights.. In the center was a picture of Dash and her friends. Each had a smile, glad to be to together on that sunny day, on a picnic. They always looked like that together.
Soarin snapped a photo of the tree before heading out with Rainbow. Pinkie had requested they meet at Sugar Cube Corner to show each other their trees.
☆☆☆☆☆
"That's so pretty!" Pinkie yelled. "What's yours mostly made of? Mine's mostly candy!"
"Ornaments and lights, but mostly lights," Dash replied. She had so much fun deecorating with Soarin. And only more good times were destined to come after this.
(And one sentence? What? Did you mean in?)
The trend I’m noticing with most of your chapters is the fact that you use short, choppy sentences for paragraphs. Try to make it a bit more coherent by splitting the sentences up with commas instead of periods, compare these sentences:
Pinkie Pie hopped along the street. She was happy for a new day in Ponyville.
OR
Pinkie Pie hopped along the street, she was happy for a new day in Ponyville.
Perhaps it’s not the best example, as it works both ways, but see how the bottom one flows better? That’s what I want you to do a bit more.
*This is all constructive criticism, no offense meant to this story or its creator
9356806
Okay, I'll try to fix sentence structure for better sentences. The only reason they're like that is because I'm trying to not have run-on sentences but I didn't know that there was such a thing as having choppy sentences.
By the way, have you been editing in the document because if you have, it isn't registering? What I mean by that is that when I check to see edits that were made, only my edits (me putting the story in the document) are showing up. The only reason I ask this is because I'm planning on copy and pasting the edited version into here so I wanted to check if you were editing on the document.
Thank you for editing my story and I'm not offended!! If anything, I'm grateful that you told me how to fix my story so when I make another story, it doesn't have these mistakes.
9357009
I haven’t been checking the document, it is updating though, but the problem that appears to be here is timezones. When you upload a chapter, it’s 11:00 PM for me. However, I can edit on the document, if you’re alright with a bit of a delayed response.
9357128
I'm okay with a delayed response. I'm in central time so when I upload a chapter it's 10:00 P.M. for me. That's why in certain time zones it says the day I upload is different. It'll be easier for me to correct my mistakes if you edit the document. It's updated as often as possible and I've put the outline feature in so you can easily find each chapter.