Waist Down (Edited 1/6/20)
Sunset Shimmer had awoken in a crater. What happened? She could remember stealing the crown from Princess Twilight in a fit of rage and jealousy, turning into a demon, getting blasted by a friendship laser (making her feel intense guilt for everything she's done), and...
and...
She couldn't remember a damn thing afterward. It was just a blank...
Sunset Shimmer felt someone else's energy that felt sinister to the very core. She looked to her left, finding the demon she turned into, giving her a devilish grin. Sunset tried to stand up and run, but her legs didn't even move. Sunset never stopped trying to get up, but her legs were being nothing more than meat sacks. Her demon's heels clicked towards her, the grin stretching further across her lips.
"Give up. After the fall you had, you're lucky to still be breathing. I'm surprised you didn't snap your neck on impact." Every word spoken out of the demon's mouth confused Sunset to no end. What the hell was she going on about?
"What fall? What are you talking about?!" Sunset screamed. She demanded answers, yet the demon still laughed at her pleas.
"After the elements blasted your dumb ass, it sprang you into the air causing you to plummet to your death. Yet, you never did... Interesting..." The devil tapped her chin, appearing to be mockingly interested in Sunset.
"I almost died!?" She screeched, beginning to have a panic attack. Her hand quickly darted over her chest. The demon laughed at her expense, her grin never leaving her ugly face. Sunset stopped panicking, now crawling away from the demon. The demon smiled, a blade made of fire formed in her hand. She walked over to Sunset, her blade high in the air.
"Now that you are nothing but a meat sack, I should just kill you and take over your body. Your legs may not work, but my wings sure as hell do!" The blade breathed viciously against her body, the reflection peering closer into her prey. Sunset was nothing more than a rat in a snake's game.
Sunset expected a sword to cut into her, seeping through her interior. It's what she deserves, after every problem she formed. But nothing ever came for her.
The steady sound of beeping now filled her ears.
What just happened?
🔥
Principal Celestia held her student's hand, hoping for the best. How stupid was she? She should've just tried to help the teenager instead of letting her continue. But, no! She thought the whole thing would blow over!
"Tia."
Now she's dealing with magical beings from other dimensions! Magic crowns! Fucking everything!
"Tia."
What the hell is she supposed to do?! Pray that another situation like this would happen?! Gah! This is so frustrating!
"Tia!"
Celestia looked up from her student, only to see her sister, Luna. She was pushing her glasses up with her arms, dressed in sleepwear. The only thing keeping her warm was the brown coat draped over her. She held two bags, containing two sandwiches and some soup. She looked super concerned, not sure if tossing her words into the air would be beneficial.
"I brought lunch. You, okay? You looked deep in thought." Luna handed Celestia the bags, giving her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.
"You didn't have to get lunch for me, Luna. I would've just gone out and gotten something." Celestia smiled, but it didn't feel genuine. Luna frowned, shaking her head. Luna placed the bags down, now steading the tired principal in her arms.
"That's untrue. You would've stayed here for another night without food. I can't see my sister go like that, it's not right." Luna finally let go, now grabbing the bags for the two of them. Luna opened her bag, now eating a hoagie from a local store. Celestia was glad she has someone like Luna, but she wished she realized that when growing up. Celestia pushed those thoughts away, now dipping her sandwich in her tomato soup.
"I appreciate having you as my sister, Luna. I know I haven't said that enough to you"
Luna had simply waved away the compliment. "I'm just looking out for you, Tia. That's all. Our shitty mistakes should just stay stuck in the ground."
The two ate in silence, the steady beeps keeping Sunset could only be heard.
🔥
Sunset gasped, her throat feeling terrible. She can't scream and even make a sound for help, only inaudible sounds coming out of her mouth. Her eyes shifted over to her principals, everything just another blur. From what she could see, they both held faces of shock and worry. Possibly a stifle of hope?
Sunset tried to move her legs, to rush away.
Nothing...
No feeling at all...
Sunset began to have another panic attack, Luna trying to hold and calm her down. Her principal called for any nurses or doctors, footsteps now drowning the hallways. A nurse had come in, a needle in her hand. Sunset wanted to run! She wanted to do anything in her power to leave!
The nurse had plunged the needle into her arm, Sunset now calming down significantly. Luna had let go, her face becoming slightly more relaxed. Celestia had also visibly exhaled in relief, thanking the nurse.
"....what's going on...?" Sunset managed to choke out a question before passing out.
🔥
"I knew she was going to freak out, but that was ridiculous! Gah, I didn't mean to spook her." Luna somewhat shouted. Celestia walked over to her student, holding her hand once more.
"This is going to be a big change for her. I have no idea how she's going to take it."
"Yeah... I wish this never happened, though. I only wanted the best for her. Are there any other injuries on her?" Luna asked.
"There were two long gashes on her back. No one knows how she got them."
Luna didn't know what to make of that. She watched her sister hold onto Sunset like a lifeline, her eyes fully concentrated on her hands. Luna refused to look at the sight for much longer, finally taking back her seat. Celestia gave it up, now taking a seat next to her sister, Luna pulling out her phone to distract herself.
Luna surfed the internet, conversing with Celestia on whatever she attempted a new conversation starter. They tried to move on to more positive subjects, but the beeping was a constant reminder. Celestia never wanted this to happen.
"How are we going to move her into our home?"
"Don't worry, Luna. We'll figure it out when we get there." Celestia reassured.
"Let's just hope she doesn't go into my room by mistake. I like to keep my privacy."
Luna shuddered quietly to herself, now getting laughed at by Celestia.
Maybe this won't be so bad.
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I think you mean "she was launched into the air" instead of "lunged in the air" in the long description.
You seem unsure about the contents of the bag. Taking the “probably” out would make more sense here.
I wonder how Twilight would take this? Almost killing Sunset
Well now. This looks interesting.
"After the elements blasted your dumb ass".
Should be "shuddered".
That aside, you have my attention.
Not digging the character Nate. Is he at all necessary for the plot? It's one thing that he is Celestia's adopted brother, but the casual mention that he was a demon once with no buildup is just gratuitous. Heck, this first chapter is more about him than Sunset, who is supposed to be the focus of the story.
I know this is early days, but this fic is veering into the common pitfall of inserting OCs: the story becomes a lower priority and the focus becomes 'this is my OC, and isn't he so cool?'.
It's an intriguing concept. Some grammatical errors here and there, but I think it's an opportunity for a compelling story. It'll be interesting to see how you balance Nate with the main cast - OCs are tricky, because they need to feel like a part of the world without supplanting what's already there. That said, they provide avenues for exploring the narrative in ways that (sometimes) one can't with only the main cast. If you don't mind some suggestions, I'd recommend making sure that you never have dialogue from two different people in the same paragraph (as that can be confusing) and striving for a 'show, don't tell' approach when it comes to exposition as much as possible - that gives the reader a more satisfying experience because of the thrill of discovery. This is particularly important when it comes to Nate. With OCs, if too much is handed to us too early on (e.g. his story is incredibly tragic, or he can do something incredibly cool), it often gets an eye-roll from the readers; if, on the other hand, it's revealed organically through his interactions with others (e.g. the compassion he displays without explaining why immediately, or the actions he takes on instinct) then the story and character grow together and people tend to enjoy journeying with both. But those are just my impressions. With all that said, I think the premise of a differently-abled Sunset is a solid one, with plenty of opportunities for looking at how life can be beautiful even in the midst of adversity. I have multiple differently-abled people in my family, and I always like to find stories that deal with that struggle without belittling it or acting as though they can't live rich lives. Thank you for taking the topic on. You have my attention.
I love it.
9347457
Sorry, this was just an introduction of him. I'll try to focus on more on Sunset.
I can't say he also turned into a demon or anything. It's most likely some dumb coincidence.
9347480
Thanks for all of the feedback. My other stories barely got any attention, so seeing this one blow up is kinda jarring.
Thanks again!
9347059
Fixed!
Thanks for the feedback!
9347049
Fixed!
Thanks for pointing that out for me!
9347795
No prob!
There are quite a few tense switches, like at the beginning:
If you want to keep it consistently in past tense, it should be "It was just a blank". Also, there are some odd grammar choices in some sentences.
9347457
9347480
Yeah, I'm not sold on Nate either. He appears out of nowhere, there's barely any explanation for his existence, apart from "he's Celestia's adopted brother" and I don't quite see any real purpose of including him here – his role could as well be filled by Luna.
9347796
You’re welcome
This is so good will definitely follow along with it
Not sure if this is good or not yet, with this only being the first part. Will be keeping an eye on this to see if it develops into anything interesting.
Would be interesting to see how she handles going to school since there are obviously no ramps at CHS. Being wheelchair-bound myself, I'd love to see how this goes
Is this getting an update?
and dropped it at seeing your worthless self insert nate
9721296
M'kay.
I’m scared to know what’s in there.
10415282
Me too. 😨