A human, tumbling from his own harsh world, falls into the colourful land of Equestria but soon comes to learn that you better dont expect neither good or bad before turning the first page.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i swear if he is a rapist he will die a slow and painful death
Alex its time to hero up and kick the gaurd's ass!
Your progress the story far to quickly, the pace is over rolling character development as well as the logic behind their behavior and acting.
For example, why does that one guard, after being suspicious of his 'friends' motives, not follow him when he left the place in an outburst to get his daughter?
He was already suspecting him of taking a child hostage in order to blackmail the mother, why not follow him in case he does something stupid? Especially after that kind of outburst... even though he already threatened Silver Mane.
Guard Guy: "Dude, not cool man! I won't do that for you! This is a crime! You're falling back to your old ways, so if you do I will take you down instead!"
Silver: "Okay fine! Then I'll do it myself! I'll get my daughter! *storms out super suspiciously angry*
Guard Guy: "... Okay!"
... Feels surreal to me.
Same goes for Twilight, who had been so distrusting and suspicious of the human him before, suddenly giving the "creature" or the "thing" permission to kill?
There is not enough info here.
in front
Triple.
+Missing space.
Twice
Twice.
+Missing space.
Triple.
+Missing spaces.
+bastards?
+Missing spaces.
+Missing comma
Lowercase i should be uppercase.
laugh
until
‘ 'till’ can only be used when it is part of dialogue.
an
I believe that is a tautology.
Missing space.
an
Period should be a question mark and the commas should be periods.
Missing space.
‘‘She also asked (...)’’
information
stallions'
Missing comma behind ‘information’.
Comma should be a period.
I think there should be a colon after ‘them’.
+what's
Missing space.
Unnecessary space.
What's
Missing comma after ‘wrong’.
Period should be a question mark.
Missing comma after ‘trick’.
I mentioned it before and I will mention it again: You have a really bad habit of not using spaces after suspension points.