Begone, Horse!

by Snek Eyes

Mail Comes To Him

"Mmm..."

Anonymous felt the softness of the pillow beneath his head, and it was cradling him like... well, nothing I can think of. As his senses became more aware, the headache he had was pounding. A hoof touched his forehead, but that just made everything worse. His head recoiled back to escape the pain, only to hit the wall behind him. The one downside of sleeping against walls? Shit like this.

"Are you okay?!" That voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't place who it was. It also sounded amplified in his ear canals, so the migraine only became worse. Anon's response was to put a hoof to his ear to block any further sound. However, that hoof sound in and of itself worsened the pain. He just couldn't win. The only thing his mind could think to do was let out a louder moan.

"Hmmm..."

"You really can't handle your shit, can you?"

That fucking voice wouldn't go away! Again, his response was to moan louder. He moaned at least this loud...

"OOOOOOHHHHHH!"

"Ok then. Bye!"

The sound of the voice, again, rustled Anon's jimmies to an extreme! His eyes chose that moment to open up, but the sudden intrusion of light closed his eyes again. 'Celestia damn it... What happened last night, though?' His memory was foggy, and it came in bits and pieces, flashes and spurts.

'He got home. There was a party. He got more and more drunk. Talked to... Applejack last. Yeah, that's right. Then... his mattress got on the roof of his house!' A look and feel below him disproved that theory. 'But that voice... who was that? I know that voice. Eh. Hopefully, it wasn't a stranger.'

Opening his eyes slowly this time, he took in the sight of the familiar surroundings. It was nice to see his house back to normal. He blinked. Everything was 100% back in its proper place. They did a hell of a job cleaning up! 'But did they clean up while wearing those Prench maid outfits?'

The existing tent under the blanket seemed to harden more at that thought. His attention went to that matter; he couldn't go anywhere with his current predicament. 'This bullshit. Time for an ice pack.' Yes, you read that right. He needed ice for this shit, for he is on a level we can't understand. 'Why does this happen? I'm getting tired of it!' He wanted to get out of bed, but he wasn't THAT awake yet. Instead, five minutes more sounded optimal. But Celestia had other plans.

Celestia looked at her plans. "Indeed I do. Please don't pester me with your shit!"

Okay, FATE had other plans. And it came in a sound of a crash outside. A crash that could be heard around the world! And it scared Anon enough to get him to roll out of bed. The earlier migraine returned with a vengeance named Zacky.

"FUUUUUUUCKING HELL! OOOOWWWWW!" It felt like a hundred Dalmatians were running all over him at the same time. Screw that; one hundred and one Dalmatians! "It's too early for any shit! WHAT WAS THAT?!" Slowly, steadily, like a tortoise, he crawled his way to the door. After only two steps, he was tired of crawling, for these wounds would not heal. He stood up and walked to the door to see what happened. Upon opening the door, he was met with a weird sight indeed. "You motherfuckers are gonna kill all my lillies!" Angel and his bunny friends were eating his lillies, and that was unacceptable. Being little bitches, they ran off. Anon's eyes drifted to the mare with her head sticking through the back of his mailbox, and her ass hanging out of the front end.

He had never seen this mare around before, but judging by her satchel laying over her gray coat and the hat on top of her blonde mane, she was a mail delivery pony. "I'm sorry! I didn't see where I was going, and when I did, I couldn't react in time!"

The innocence factor and adorable meter went off of the charts! He decided in that moment that she was his waifu, and he must protect her at all costs. "Huh... I'll be able to fix it. Can you get out by yourself, or do you need help?" Her eyes opened, and Anon realized could see the call for help in her eyes. Well, one of them. He didn't know where the other one was looking.

She wiggled, trying to get out, but all she did was put on a show for anyone looking at her rear at that moment. In the distance, the phrase "Oh. My. God. Look at her butt" could be heard. "Um... Can you help? Please?"

"Sure. I'll pull from behind, and you try using your front hooves to come back." Anon moved around to perform his task, and noticed her cutie mark. "Why is your cutie mark a bunch of bubbles?"

"Oh. I'll tell you that story after I get unstuck."

"Sounds good." Anon was now face-to-face with her rump, along with... other parts. "Ready?" He sat down, getting his front hooves ready to grab into the supple flesh. Well, on the bright side, he was getting an up-close view that he could appreciate for all it's worth.

"As soon as you're done enjoying the view back there." She knew?! Eh, well, with how big her ass was, it wasn't that hard to guess what he would be doing. "Okay. One. Two. Three- WAIT! Hey! I wasn't ready!"

"But it's one-two-three, right?"

"No. It's one-two-three, go!"

"...I don't get it, but we can do that instead." Anon sunk his hooves back into dat ass, ready to pull and get a feel. "Okay! One!"

"Two!"

"Three!"

Both of them shouted, "Go," and performed their respectful actions. The mare was wiggling, and Anon pulled with only half of his strength. Hey, architecture and construction can turn a colt into a stallion, and Anon proved that theory! After a few seconds of no apparent sliding, Anon just pulled harder. The next thing he knew, that bubble butt flew into his face and hit him right on the muzzle. The next thing after that, he hit the ground and struggled to breathe under the massive mass.

"Thank you, um, what's your name?" The mare seemed unaware that he was suffocating, but enjoying himself at the same time. "Oh! Sorry!" She moved forward so she was sitting on his chest. "Better?"

"OH SWEET O2! Hey. Did you know that oxygen actually pairs so all oxygen we breathe in is actually two atoms, not one? It's too unstable as one atom, so it bonds with another to stabilize!"

During his rant, the waifu had gotten off of his chest and was looking at his form still lying on the ground"Ohhh. kay? I'm sorry, though, for flying into your mailbox."

Anon recovered and stood up. "Oh. No worries, um, what's your name?"

"Just call me Ditzy Doo, or Derpy. Derpy's my nickname, and I don't mind it. I actually kind of like it. Derp!" At that moment, Derpy derped, and it was the derpiest derp to derp in the derp of derp. Derp. "Though I know you preferred staying behind me... what's your name?"

"Anonymous, and I have no complaints about the view."

Derpy chuckled a little bit. "Well, as much as I would love to, I have a job to do. Hold on. Anonymous, right?"

"I used to be, but I can't remember right now."

"I have an urgent letter for you. Give me a moment real quick to find it." Derpy opened the satchel with her teeth and grabbed a hoofful of letters. She sat down on that big butt of hers and used her left hoof to hold the letters, her right to sort them. While she did that, a thought came to Anon.

"Hey, Derpy. You owe me a story about your cutie mark. So, how did that happen?"

"Well, the fandom has come up with many theories, so I won't ruin anything by telling what ACTUALLY happened."

"...You liar. You said you would tell me!" Anon's face was laced with mock anger. He couldn't stay mad at Senpai for too long.

"Here we go! Or, um, here YOU go." A letter was handed off from her hoof to his.

"Thanks. Sooo... See you around, Derpy!"

"Have a good day!" Derpy said that, and leaned forward to kiss Anon on the cheek. Even though this was his waifu, his Senpai, old habits die hard. The light built up inside, and his voice got louder.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORSE!"

Derpy just didn't know what went wrong. One moment, she was saying good-bye. The next, she was flying without aid from her wings. She also had a hard time breathing in the oxygen that Anon ranted about earlier. Instead, blood filled and dripped from her nostrils. The pain hit her all at once. "OW! WHY, ANON?!" She landed many feet away.

"私のwaifu！ ごめんなさい！¹" Anon could only watch as his hoof betrayed him. He would have to cut it off, like that one pony from The Trotting Dead. Mmm... Nicker Grimes was a great character. But his past times could wait; his love was hurt!

"私はあなたを傷つけるつもりはなかった！²" This foreign language came naturally to him, but he had no idea what this shit meant! However, Derpy seemed to already be moving. She was getting to her hooves, satchel being secured around her barrel. Her eyes seemed to be properly aligned now, so not everything was bad.

Anon ran through what he could do, and decided on the best one. "Okay, I'll leave her. What came in for me?" He walked inside, through his door, and sat down on his bed. He grabbed a paper and pen to write any needed information. The letter intrigued him to no end. After reading and writing the information, he looked over it.

"Contract. Canterlot. One month. 10,000 bits. Add a small room to Royal Castle." This was a no-brainer. Of course he would say, "FUCK YES!"

"I need to get packing. Fucking starts in two days!" Anon grabbed a mediun-sized bag nearby, opened it, and threw it on the floor. "Clothes and equipment, toiletries, condoms..." Hey, you never truly know! But everything went in; clothes, tools, toiletries, a blue feather, paper for writing plans, and pens.

"That's everything... But what if Fluttershy-san comes by? I did invite her over... Ok, I just gotta put a sign up real quick." The sign subsequently said, 'Out on business. Don't expect back anytime soon. Remember The Alamo.'

"Good enough. Canterlot, here I come!" Anon departed for the train station, looking forward to the adventure and experience he would... experience. (I'm tired, mkay?) '10,000 bits is a steal! Then again, it will probably be the most intense work I've ever done, but I am prepared! Thine anus shall be penetrated! Oh, what? Where did that come from? Anyways...'

"I'm going to Canterlot! Hopefully there's a chocolate factory as well! Didn't I get a golden ticket once? That was weird..."

Author's Note:

¹: "My waifu! I'm sorry!"
²: "I did not mean to hurt you!"

Feel free to comment, and have a good one!

Comments

[Element of Power]

"私のwaifu！ ごめんなさい！ 1 " Anon could only watch as his hoof betrayed him. He would have to cut it off, like that one pony from The Trotting Dead. Mmm... Nicker Grimes was a great character. But his past times could wait; his love was hurt!

NUUUUUUUUUUU! Mie WAIFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

[Shadowblade019]

You are a fuk head for what you did to Derpy!

[Snek Eyes]

9871202
It was a necessary move. The Derp shall not be hurt again.