The perfect stallion doesn't exist. Or does he? Follow the (mis)adventures of the most attractive stallion, Anonymous, with everything from broken muzzles to stuff you have to read this fic to know about! What are you waiting for?!
*An utterly disgusting mix of Crackfic and plot, as well as the result of too many all-nighters on my end.*
It all starts when Rarity goes to her spa appointment for her usual, and she meets a stallion that is just wonderful! From there, it descends into madness, misadventures with love, and miscellaneous stuff. If you are still interested, read on!
*On indefinite hiatus, as I really have no direction for this story to go. Just haven't been in the mood for writing. Please enjoy what IS here, though.*
"That is one amazing stallion," Rarity mumbled to herself as she looked at the pony.
As she walked into the spa for her usual appointment, she noticed somepony sitting down who could only be summed up in one word...
He was quite amazing, with an amazing build, amazing mane, just radiating amazing. Most amazing of all, however, had to be his glasses, with their amazing frames and lenses.
Amazing.
Rarity just could not stop looking. As she stared, the thought that was in the back of her mind became the focus of her concentration. "I simply must talk to him."
She approached with a little bit of apprehension, some excitement, and 100% arousal. Oh, the things she could, should, and would do to him.
Ah! We're getting ahead! Just one step at a time. Introductions first and foremost, then-
But Rarity noticed something peculiar. Something unspeakable. The stallion was not looking at her. At all. He did not notice her. He paid no attention. He. Was. Not. Looking! That was just unacceptable on so many levels...
That stallion just had to be hers. At any cost.
"Excuse me. Do you mind if I sit next to you, darling???" She inquired, referring to the open spot on the couch. The mystery stallion did nothing. His ears didn't even flinch. Neither did his body. Neither did that sweet ass of his.
She coughed softly to get his attention, and repeated herself, "Do you mind if I sit next to you, darling?"
That got a reaction out of him. The stallion looked at her, moving only his eyes like a creepy-as-hell painting.
He took his time to respond, choosing exactly what to say. "...Sure."
That voice exponentially amplified Rarity's body heat and anime blush from 100% to OVER 9000%!!! All of that heat went to one certain place, and it was her face, you damn pervert. Get your mind out of the gutter!
"Thank you, darling." Rarity said as she moved to sit down next to him. Step one, approach the stallion, complete. Step two, seduce- I mean, make friends with him. Yeah. That's it.
The silence between the two ponies was awkward enough, and someone needed an ax to break the ice. "I don't think I have seen you around. Are you passing through right now?" Rarity asked. As much as she wanted to pounce on him like Opal on a toy, these things take time to make work. Time she didn't want to spare, but alas.
"No, I actually reside here in Ponyville. I frequent this place quite a bit." Celestia, he could do ASMR for a living with that voice! Or Life Alert commercials. Just a thought.
"Really? I come here frequently, and have never seen you here. When do you usually come in?" She could almost taste the bar representing the progress she had so far. 5% is SHIT. Got to aim big and get further along!
"I try to do this weekly, but it just depends on my schedule."
"What does your schedule consist of to work around?" Progress bar is at 10%.
"Work, hobbies, thoughts, shit like that." Wow. Cussing around a lady? The heat only got more intense as her squishy marshmallow-like face turned a deeper shade of red.
"What do you do for work?" This was it. The make-or-break point.
"I'm an architect. Anything from gazebos or buildings to furniture, I revise everything like the math and materials. I basically give everything the go ahead to be built."
"Oh, darling, considering that, I would recommend the spa every HOUR. I can only IMAGINE the stress of THAT career! Wrinkles ARE NOT GOOD!" She changed the topic to hide her fluster. She knows how much architects make. She knows that means he has a nice place, probably a mansion. "I am curious, though, where exactly do you reside in Ponyville?"
"On the outskirts of Ponyville. Just a small, humble abode."
Okay. Not a mansion, but this can still work! "Well, that sounds nice, darling. Is that something you approved, being an architect?"
"Yes. I actually did the entire process myself; planning, building, testing, all the fun stuff. And the sore stuff." With that last sentence, he smiled slightly. Oh no. THAT SMILE! It melted every female's heart within a five-inch radius!
"Where are you from, whatever-your-name-is?" He asked the question with such forwardness, such honesty. Applejack would probably like this pony. Actually, fuck that bitch (heh), he is Rarity's and only Rarity's!
With mock offense, she scoffed, "How dare you not properly ask me my name!" Of course, such disregard only got more of a blush from her.
He deadpanned, "You have not asked MY name during this conversation thus far. Double standard much? But answer the question."
Getting back on course, she composed herself with a deep breath. Here she goes. "I am Rarity, designer and fashion extraordinaire at Canterlot Boutique."
A smile formed on his face. "It is quite a RARITY to meet such a celebrity."
"..."
"..."
...
(I'm sorry. Please kill me.)
He was quick to get things going again. "But still, where are you FROM? THAT is what I asked, after all."
"Oh hush, I was just getting to that part. I was born here in Ponyville."
"That is curious. Why do you have the accent, then?"
"This is how proper mares speak, darling!" Rarity's voice got a bit louder, as if to emphasize just how proper a proper mare properly speaks.
"I have never heard any other pony speak the way you do, and I have traveled all of Equestria."
The moisture returned. (To Rarity's face, you pervert.) "ALL of Equestria?"
"Yes, ALL of Equestria. I didn't stutter."
Time for a speed round. "What do you think of Manehattan?"
"Too high-tech for me."
"Baltimare?"
"A bunch of ravens there."
"Vanhoover?"
"That has one amazing strip club."
"Apple- whAT???!!! Strip clubs?! How do those work?!"
"You should know, Rarity. You design clothes, but ponies normally do not wear clothes, so they put on lingerie and take THAT off." With a sigh, he lamented, "Oh Celestia, though. Some of those clothes were so sexy taken off, piece by piece."
"Well, maybe we could go back to my place and we can take clothes off there." Rarity winked. Hook, line, and sinker! She surely would get some tonight! VICTORY!!! SHE DID IT! PROGRESS BAR 100%!
But that progress bar shattered into many pieces when the stallion's glasses turned into sunglasses, covering his amazing eyes with black. (Like Rarity's stallions.) Then, pure white erupted from him. Not like that, but like a light shining from inside him.
"BEEEEEEE!" His arm cocked back.
"GOOOOOOONE!" His arm reached maximum backage.
"WHOOOOOOOOOOORSE!!!"
Rarity will remember forever what happened next.
She was punched squarely on the nose and got knocked the fuck out!
She was airborne for a matter of seconds, then landed a few yards away.
Blood spurted from her nose violently. Her pure ivory coat was ruined, and her mane, defiled!
The stallion got up and started walking to the door, but not before leaning down and whispering to Rarity, "That is not how proper mares speak, but thots. Be gone, thot."
"Hold on! So you got punched for coming onto him?"
"Yes! He called me a whorse, then told me to be gone! Nopony ever turns me away when I turn on the charm. NOPONY! I just do not under- ...Oh no. Pinkie, I need you to be honest. Am I, dare I say it... ugly?"
"NO, Rarity! Don't start thinking like that. Other than the nose plugs, you are a beautiful mare. Really beautiful! If you ask me, he missed out on not only a great time, but a great friend."
"...Thank you, Pinkie. I needed that. On the other hoof, it is quite a shame. He was so handsome! He seemed like he would know how to handle me like a lady, if you catch my drift."
"Ooooh! Who was it? Dr. Whooves? Thunderlane? Bulk Biceps?! CRANKY DOODLE DONKEY???!!!"
"Pinkie. Just... No."
"Keep your options open, Rarity. Fun comes in all shapes and sizes!"
"Ahem. Anyways...Actually, I don't think I have ever seen him around Ponyville. He might be fairly new here."
"A NEW PONY?! *GAAAASP* I know just what to do."
***
Pinkie needed to find the stallion. He needed a party, and PINKIE SHALL PROVIDE!
"What did he look like? I'm pretty sure Rarity left that out. Eh, questions for later. I know exactly how to find him! He can't hide forever!" After pulling out a picture album of every known pony in Equestria, she started going through. Pictures flipped fast and blurred together, but Pinkie's eyes and brain could somehow keep up. (Hint: White powder that gives a super vitality overdose.)
Newspaper clipping of Celestia and Luna. Mayor Mare with her natural hair color. Portrait view of Twilight. Rarity posed on her couch. Rainbow Dash with a wingboner. Applejack's behind. Fluttershy reading '50 Shades Darker'. Pinkie covered in rainbow-colored frosting.
Pinkie stopped on that last picture for a brief second. Good times. Interesting times. Pinkie.Search(resume).
Going through ALL of the pictures, she could not find somepony she did not know. Wait. She wasted time with actual, tangible pictures when something better exists? Silly Pinkie! A ritual involving hoods and a sacrifice of Angel Bunny later, and she will get ULTIMATE POWER TO RULE THE GALAXY!
A Macbook Air appeared out of nowhere with Google Chrome opened to the home page, somehow staying at full battery with no power source or cable. As it floated down from the portal, Pinkie wondered, 'Why does this have an apple as the logo? I prefer the one with the squares or that penguin, but this will work!'
"Just gotta search good ol' Google!" Hooves clopped on the keyboard, and the words 'ponies in Ponyville I don't know' appeared. The search didn't load; instead, a 404 error showed up with a microphone prompt. 'Please verify your identity.' First, a heavy sigh. Then, "Celestia DAMN IT! Century Link sucks Cox!" After that, the search happened. Pinkie clicked on the first link, leading to pinkiesdatabase.haha. Yes, Pinkie's smiling face was the favicon.
"Minuette, A.K.A. Colgate... Trixie insert fandom last name... Bon Bon... Wait, shouldn't that be Sweetie Drops? Eh, depends on what's canon. Lyra... Starlight...Lemon Drops." The ponies on the page matched all of the ones in the album to a T. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!" This means only one thing that can't end well.
"A mystery?! Oh, it's been a good while since this has happened!" While she spoke, a manic grin spread ear to ear. 'It's time to become in touch with the ground and lost in the crowd. And I'm hungry- Wait, wrong script.' "Pinkie Bot, roll out!" Still the wrong script.
She didn't move. Instead...
***
"That scene transition was convenient enough. Thank you, author!"
Sure thing, Pinkie.
"He lives here? Hm. Well, PARTY TIME!!!" *BOOM BOMM MOBB!*
After a few seconds of waiting, Pinkie got ready to pummel the door with her head and muzzle again. She reared her head back, unaware the door was open and the stallion was right THERE!
*KNOCK!*
"OW!"
Pinkie could do nothing but rub her head for a few seconds. It felt like hitting her head on wood. Wait. She looked up, and felt immense embarrassment. She hit the door frame, not even close to the door. After a brief concussion, she asked sadly, "Author, why are you so cruel?"
Pinkie, I'm making this up as I go. Don't worry; you're good for now.
She looked up to the sky. "Thanks- wait, FOR NOW?!" Her eyes widened. "Let me have SOME dignity!"
"Um... are you okay? Done talking to yourself?" Oh right, the stallion she originally came for. Her eyes traveled to the pony, widened even more, and she came for something else entirely. But according to some law, where something came, something left: her consciousness.
"Hey!"
***
*GAAAAAAAAAAASP!*
Pinkie woke with a shock. The first thought that entered her mind and she spoke? "What have I done to you, author?!"
You haven't done anything. But I'm going to let this become awkward. Good luck. Nice knowing you.
"This author figure must be interesting, since you keep talking to him."
"WHAAAAA...-?!" Pinkie's head snapped, breath trailed off, and jaw opened when she saw the stallion. The only thing she could only think of was mere perfection, with a dash of sugar for that sweet ass!
After some time of obvious ogling, the hunk of a stallion put a hoof under her jaw. "I know mares love how I look, but please keep your mouth closed." He did just what was suggested. Bringing his hoof back to stand on, he inquired, "So despite banging on my door in a really weird way and passing out, what do you want?"
Pinkie was too caught up fantasizing about the stallion to remember why she came here in the first place. Or how she wound up in his house.
"No, I remember about the first part-"
SHE FORGOT WHY SHE WAS THERE!
The stallion nickered. "If you arrived just to be crazy and waste my time, then there's the door. So if there is something you want, say it."
"NO! I want to throw you a 'Welcome-to-Ponyville' party, but I don't know why I am acting soooo out of character! I hate the author!"
Ouch. Well, now the feeling is mutual, Pinks.
Mr. Perfect only got more confused. "I don't understand half of what you are saying, but I don't want a party. Besides, I've been in Ponyville for a while, so it really wouldn't be a 'welcome' party as much as a regular party."
"You- Wait. But a party is really fun, and being with friends is AMAZING!"
"I have friends, but I do not like the whole party atmosphere. Just being with friends in a calm space, hanging out, is what I like."
Pinkie just could not understand why he did not want a big party. However, she can adapt. "Well, if that's the case, we can hang out, just you and I, and THAT would be a party!"
Mr. Amazing had the gears turning in his head. "Hm. I mean, that could work. I would like that." A small smile began to form, quickly replaced by a neutral expression. "But there's one issue."
Pinkie's head cocked like a dog's, waiting for the problem to be announced.
"We're not friends. Unless you want to change that now and hang out."
*GAAAAAAAAAASP!* "A NEW FRIEND! I'm so excited!" Out of nowhere, as per Pinkie, a party cannon came out and blew its multi-colored load everywhere. "OOOOOOOHH! I'm really excited right now!" Mr. Great put a hoof on Pinkie's mouth to calm her down. "Breathe. Calm down." He removed his hoof, and Pinkie was, in fact, not cocaine-induced. After a breath, she started again. "Well, since it's going to be your party, how do YOU want to have it?"
"Let's start with names. I haven't even learned yours yet."
Rather than simply say 'Pinkie Pie', she decided to launch into song. "My name is Pinkie Pie! And I am here to say! I'm gonna make you smile and I will brighten up your day-"
Mr. Tasteful again put a hoof in it to silence her. "Pinkie Pie, then? You could have just said that instead of a song."
Pinkie let out a loud sigh. "Damn you, author!!!"
Quiet, Pinkie.
The stallion was looking a bit scared. He might not want to be friends! No. No! There must be a way to salvage this! "Don't be scared! We can still talk! I'm not crazy! What's your favorite cake? Favorite pie?"
"Vanilla and blueberry."
"Mine too! Actually, my favorite pie is cream-flavored-"
Mr. Wonderful once again put a hoof to her mouth and shut her down. "I just don't want a party right now. You seem really nice and cool, but you also seem a bit too much for my tastes. It's a bad deal, and for that reason, I'm out. Maybe a party at a later time, but not now." It would have been better if he kept his hoof there, considering what happened next.
"But... But... BUT..." Pinkie.exe ran into an error and just could not respond. Her eyes kept shooting around, trying to make sense of the world around her. No parties?! Parties are part of a healthy day and keep Redheart away! But she focused on something peculiar. "BUT! BUTT! BUTT!!!" A hoof found itself going from Pinkie's body to Mr. Perfect's rear. "BUUUUUUT!!! BOOTY!" She looked up to the sky. "WHY, AUTHOR?!"
In the background, there was a *BOOM-BOOM* sound, signifying a soon-to-be court case. A light in front of her illuminated brighter than Celestia's sun. Her eyes snapped to the bright mass, then her ears perked up.
"BEEEEEEEEE!!!"
"GOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!"
"WHOOOOOOOOOOORSE!!!"
Due to the light, Pinkie could only go by feel and Pinkie sense- Hold on. Pinkie.sense.active(false); 'Pinkie sense deactivated.'
"What- OOOOWWW!"
Cool. So, due to the light, Pinkie could only go by feel. And broken muzzles. Also, distance. Once everything settled down, Pinkie's body laid outside of the house, consciousness outside of her body. There was a hole in the door. The stallion sighed from inside, obviously irritated.. "I need to fix that." His eyes laid on Pinkie. "Cocaine-fueled junkie." Now is a good time for monologue.
"Well, Pinkie, you can have 'parties' with your other thots and whorses, but I will not partake. Begone, thot."
Rainbow Dash flew around, bored as fuck. Why was everything already done? Why is there absolutely nothing to do? Why were two ponies in an alley way, having se- wait. Oh. Just a drug deal. All good; carry on.
"Pinkie!" In the distance, Rainbow saw a pink pony merely walking, as opposed to her signature bounce. Well, fuck that distance in ten seconds flat. Now face-to-face, Rainbow couldn't hold in her complaints. "What's up, Pinkie?! I'm so fucking bored! There's nothing- Um, why do you have nose plugs?"
"Dammit Rainbow! That's the first thing you bring up besides yourself?!" Pinkie's eyes were as red and bloodshot as the dried blood on her muzzle. If the bags under her eyes were any indication, she got NO sleep. Probably doing lines under the counter of Sugarcube Corner again. "I haven't gotten any sleep since yesterday, and even I need my sleep! Then, the fucking author and some of the fandom speculate that I am a junkie, and the drugs in my veins are sugar, caffeine, adrenaline, cocaine, meth, all five illegal substances-" Remembering a tip from the last chapter, she put her own hoof in her mouth, finally shutting up. However, that didn't stop the EDEA (Equestrian DEA) from hearing that, showing up and trying to catch her, but that is another chapter, or story, all together.
"Um, Pinkie? So, what the fuck happened? I'm no stranger to seeing you look strange, but this is too much WTF, even for me." Luckily, Rainbow was able to return everyone and everything to whence it came.
"Have you ever said hi to someone, have an author control everything, and it all goes to shit? That's what happened." Something in Pinkie's brain snapped. "That's what continues to happen! Existence is futile! I'm awake! WE'RE BREAKING THE CONDITIONING! 1776 WILL COMMENCE AGAIN! GAY FROGS!" It was just a loose screw that is now tightened. "The stallion that did this has left me scarred and scared!"
"A stallion did that?! Do I need to get the brass hoof and kill somepony? Or some old-fashioned dry pegging?"
"NO, that's not necessary! ...Well, keep the second one in mind for tonight, but that's between you and I." With a suggestive wink from Pinkie and a sly smile from Rainbow, it became agreed upon.
"But I literally said hi to somepony, and he called me a whorse and punched me!"
Rainbow became filled with anger. "A WHORSE?! OH HELL NO! Nopony does that to my friend and gets away with it! Show me where he is!"
Conveniently, the stallion in question was only about five feet away. Pointing an accusing hoof, Pinkie was out for blood. "That's him there! Don't hold back! Break him like he broke me, Rainbow!"
As soon as Rainbow looked, she came, and she saw, and she came again. Her wingboner was rock hard. Good thing Maud wasn't around. All that existed in that moment was the pony who could only be described as awesome. No, that's her word. Perfect. Amazing.
And in the next moment, she remembered what Pinkie had said. And the anger returned. Breaking her daze, she approached him. "Hey! Asshole!"
The stallion stood still like a statue.
Rainbow shouted louder, her voice a tiny bit higher. "HELLO?!"
No response.
Her voice cracked. "ANSWER ME, DICKHEAD!"
"If you are going to approach me in such an disrespectful manner, I shall not initiate conversation. Now begone, whorse."
"WHOOORSE?!" Rainbow started to see red. And black. Got to be inclusive. "SAY THAT TO MY FACE, AND I WILL FUCKING END YOU!"
"I did say it to your face. So feel free to end me at any time. I don't care."
Well, she couldn't agree with that logic.
Rainbow calmed down enough to talk instead of yell. "OK, now that I don't have CAPS LOCK on, we can talk. Look. My friend Pinkie Pie said she said hi, and you called her a whorse and punched her. What gives, asshole?!"
The stallion scoffed a bit before regaining his composure. "So she left out how she groped my flank, which is WHY I called her a whorse and used thot repellent? How convenient."
Leaping from the cloud above, Pinkie butted in on the conversation. Literally butted in. She landed ass-first on the ground, creating a small crater that made Thanos reconsider his decision with the Infinity Gauntlet. "It wasn't my fault! The author made me do it!" Again, Pinkie's brain snapped. "If Hitler wore a pink suit and had an ice cream cone, we would all be speaking German!"
Pinkie.sleep(); 'Pinkie has successfully been put to sleep. '
Pinkie, brought back to reality ("reality"), continued. "I didn't mean to grab your flank! I literally had no control over that!"
The stallion had no remorse, no sympathy. "You are in control of your body, therefore responsible for what you do. You did have control over it, but continue to lie."
Rainbow Dash interjected, right in front of the stallion, looking him dead on. "You know what?! How about you listen to Pinkie's side of the story and make an INFORMED decision instead of going with your OWN sides of the story?!"
Both ponies looked at her, Pinkie more surprised than anypony ever could be. "Rainbow! I didn't know you had a brain! I just assumed you were, 'Grr. I want meat. Both kinds of meat. Grr.' That kind of shit. Wait. Hold on... You're gay! You like fish, not meat!"
Rainbow let out a choked gasp. Her eyes twitched as she turned to face the other bitch. "...Pinkie, tonight, I'm going to hatefuck you. No limits, safe words, or conditions. Just fucking." She was only met with a wide smile of pure glee and a squee from Pinkie.
"I don't care what you two do, but please keep it to yourselves. Otherwise, I will have to exorcise the thot out of both of you!" The stallion looked very angry, steam coming out of his ears and fogging up his glasses.
The earlier idea came back, but in a different way. "...We're pegging the stallion, right?"
"We can... He can't do anything when he's tied up-"
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"GOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
"WHOOOOOOOOOORSES!!!"
Pinkie and Rainbow Dash didn't know what hit them. Literally. The light fucking blinded them! However, where Pinkie just flew a few yards and landed (again), Rainbow's wings instinctively opened up to prevent crashing to certain death. That maneuver, combined with aerodynamics and pastel-colored magic, allowed for her to get enough speed to Sonic Rainboom, leaving an amazing rainbow in the sky before landing right back down to earth, knocked unconscious.
"Nopony touches my ass but me!" The stallion huffed. In his voice, one could almost hear a whimper. He yelled loudly enough that other ponies heard his remark. Amidst the glares, stares, and something that rhymes with the previous words, he made his route to get back home and followed that. On the way home, he remembered his teachings taught to him by a strange, green creature with a cane. That thing certainly was wise.
"I am a child of the light. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. Desire leads to pain. Nothing good can come from the dark side- What did he mean the dark side? Did he mean the hidden side of every creature that no one wants to admit they have? Besides, a pony's pussy is pretty pink, so that is not a dark side-"
He caught himself. That was not in the sacred texts! What was he doing? Though, as his mind started with one thought, it went to two, eight, five, some exponential shit. Thoughts of pretty flanks, ponies laying with their legs spread, tails moved aside to allow penetra- NO! He can't go down this road! HE WAS SINNING! This can only lead to pain! And possible pleasure... This is the crossroads of his life. He must figure out his priorities and who he wants to be-
Fuck it. If he is sinning, he shall go all the way!
Lowering his voice to a whisper, he said something that nopony should ever hear. Nopony was ever to know about this.
"I do wonder just how hot that hatefuck would have been... Especially the pegging..."
The Ponyville marketplace was a lot like the Grand Bank in Runescape: always bustling with many occupants. Many goods were available, and the hustling prostitute occasionally came along. Food, furniture, death, and literally everything could be bought from local vendors.
One such vendor was breaking down her stall, getting ready to pack up and head home. She sighed heavily due to just how slow of a day it was. Today only yielded six sales, and nopony wanted apples! Heresy... After the stall got broken down, she started working on the food and putting everything in a bag. First, the apples. Then, the apple fritters. Next, the caramel apples. After that, the skulls of her enemies. She started on the apple pies when her ears picked up somepony approaching.
"Excuse me. Are those pies for sale?" Was that... Morgan Freeman? James Earl Jones? Barry White? Jesus?
Applejack turned to face the customer, and she didn't find any of the mentioned beings. Instead, she found someone better. God himself. If the perfect stallion existed, she was looking at him! She found her eyes tracing along every detail, contour, and muscle. And the mane! Just. Wow!
After a lot of awkward staring and heavy silence, Applejack got her senses back. "Um... Yea. Two bits." But there were about ten pies left. They would get thrown out anyways; she just has to get them sold. "Actually, jus' take it. It's free."
The stallion gave a brief gasp before yelling in disbelief, "FREE?!" Somewhere in the background, a song played. It sounded like a Russian anthem. "Well, thank you very much. Quite generous of you."
A light blush appeared on Applejack's cheeks. "Aw shucks. Thanks. Actually, Rarity is the generous one, Sugarcube. Ah'm the honest one."
There was silence.
More silence.
Silence intensifies.
Maximum silence.
The stallion chose his words carefully, and it showed. "Rarity? She was generous. With her sexual advances!"
"She tried seducing ya? Ah mean, you are eye candy, and Ah can see why she would try her charm, but- Wait. Is THAT why she had a bloody nose?! Was that you?!" Applejack, slow as she was, pieced the puzzle together. "Same thing with Pinkie and RAINBOW?!" And that puzzle was rage. Her teeth were grinding, hooves ready to pounce and punch. One-two combo!
"No one tried to even be friendly. Rarity tried seducing me. Pinkie groped my butt. Rainbow and Pinkie were talking about having fun with my butt. I have my reasons!" He was getting heated, like Applejack. Two ponies about to fight, each had their own special finishers! PRESS THE RIGHT BUTTONS!
Applejack's frustration with the stallion could be heard. "If somepony comes onto ya, just TELL 'em ta fuck off! Unless ya want them, then say fuck me! TELL them ratha than BEAT them!" Her voice was so loud that other ponies started either stopped and stared, or opened their doors to find out what the fuck was going on.
"...I've never been taught that." The stallion mumbled to himself, barely audible. In theory, that kind of made sense. "Would that actually work?" He inquired. Maybe broken muzzles could be a problem of the past.
Applejack's voice lowered in volume. "Yes, it would! In fact, ya can do it righ' now! It's tha' easy! Let me demonstrate!" The other ponies eavesdropping and wondering 'what the fuck are they talking about' started minding their own business. Also, as much as Applejack wanted to do it for the sake of "demonstration", she actually wanted to try seducing him. Oh, he would be a great fuck.
"Wait, right now? You're seriously doing this?"
"Only if ya goin' ta try it. And don't break ma fuckin muzzle!" Applejack started approaching him. For this to work, it required an up-close-and-personal touch. Applejack was not as seductive as Rarity, but she could try!
Six feet of distance. Four feet. "But-" The stallion couldn't find words to speak. Two feet. "Hey! What-"
"Hey, handsome." Her voice took on a honey-like inflection. The look Applejack gave, mainly the bedroom eyes, made something trigger in the stallion. He couldn't figure out what it was, but it got replaced by anxiety. Here was a very beautiful mare who was RIGHT up in his face, and clearly wanted some "intimacy". How does he handle this?!
He stood still as a statue, watching Applejack's every single move. She... This is a thing.
Applejack nuzzled into his neck. He froze. That motion caught him very off guard, but it felt so good. He had to hold back a slight moan. "What's ya name, sexy?" She asked while nuzzling.
"...Anonymous." (Finally. A fucking name I can use! That's a bit important!)
"Anonymous? Mmm... That's a nice name." She pulled back to look him in the eyes. "Can Ah call ya Anon?" Now was the time to start the REAL test.
"...Sure."
"Well, Anon, Ah have a question for ya." Applejack backed up a few feet. "And this is where what Ah said comes into play." She added in her regular voice.
"What?" The voice crack could have beaten one of Sweetie Belle's. That something triggered in the stallion earlier began to grow and heat up his body. Was this attraction? Lust?
"What do ya say to comin' to ma place? There's plenty of room for us to have fun..." Applejack made sure to emphasize the last part, as if it weren't obvious enough what she meant.
The inner struggle of the stallion could even be seen on the outside. One side wanted to say yes and indulge in desires, and the other wanted to say no. "Um. I. Uh." It's really simple; just say "not interested."
Not interested.
Not interested.
"I'm not interested."
"Awww... " The pout that formed on Applejack's face rivaled Applebloom's in sheer adorableness. "Why not, Anon?"
His heart was not prepared for such cuteness. Much heart melting. Despite what was going on inside, his outside composure stood tall. "I just don't want to do it. That's all there is to it."
The determination in Applejack lit up again. Whereas Rarity may have a charm and subtlety, Applejack is better with being forward.
"Not even after this?" She moved quickly to invade his privacy. Because of earlier, he kept his guard up, and therefore was not surprised. In a few seconds, though, what he felt surpassed surprise. Anon had felt something on his cheek- no, his... Lips? 'I- what? How? Did that really happen?' His body felt cold, and anxiety took over. If it weren't for the shallow breaths, Anon would be stone still.
She had kissed him. Lips to lips.
"So, whaddya say, big boy?"
Anon's consciousness fell back into his body, and he blinked. With each passing second, something began to erupt. It was pure light from his body.
"I say..."
His voice sounded like two people in the same voice. Like Super Saiyan 4 Gogeta. Just imagine Gogeta's voice right now.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!"
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORSE!!!"
Applejack just felt extreme pain. She was pretty sure she felt not only her muzzle break, but a few teeth here and there. Well, a few turned into a lot, turned into now she needs dentures. Scoot over, Granny Smith! Sharing is caring! She flew back into the stall and food she never finished packing up earlier. The impact of her body caused everything she landed into to turn to splinters and mush. As strong as Applejack was, she just wanted her parents right now! Oh... damn. I forgot. Sorry.
"If I was not saved by my training, I would have succumb to her advances." Anonymous felt a slight tinge of disappointment. "This sucks! Temptation is a bitch. It leads to desire, which can't lead to anything good." He looked at his victim, laying among food, blood, and teeth. Sympathy arose in him. He lamented one thing as he started his way home.
"I didn't mean to hit her THAT hard. Just a little knock. Oh well. Begone, thot."
Fluttershy was in a panic as she flew all over, not finding her lost pimp- er, pet.
"Angel! Where are you?!" She cried out.
Yes, that dickwad. He ran off somewhere while Fluttershy was paying attention to another animal, and that sent her into a frenzy. Her blood pressure was high right now, and if she didn't find Angel in a few minutes, she would have to slap a bitch!
In the distance, she could see a house. Not so much a house as a cottage, like her own abode. However, unlike hers, she didn't see a second floor. About fifty feet away was the little rat.
"ANGEL! Get your ass back here NOW!" Her wings flapped faster than when she was training for the hurricane back in season two. But she got there right when Angel ran past the door threshold and disappeared.
"Angel! Come out!" She called out. Fluttershy heard another voice along with her own.
"Hey, bunny. Where did you- what are you- WHAT THE FUCK, YOU DICKHEAD! GET OUT! GET OUT!" A bunch of banging and yelling was going on, and surely, no one survived through the carnage of noise. Angel got out of the door, covered in a mix of colors, followed by a stallion who screamed, "I WILL MAKE YOU PART OF MY NEXT SOUP, YOU FUCKING SHITLORD!"
Angel hid behind Fluttershy like the bitch he was, and even though Fluttershy feared Angel, there were certain lines to not be crossed. One just got crossed. "If you put my bunny in a soup, I will put you in a chokehold. This is all a mistake!"
The stallion was still blind with fury. "Him being born was a fucking mistake!"
Surprisingly, Angel could talk to, and be understood by, the stallion. 'You want to try me, bitch?!'
"Come on, bunny! I will beat you the fuck up!"
'If Fluttershy weren't here, I would kick your ass!'
The stallion's voice rose. "You really rely on her to protect you?! Fucking wimp! Shut up and die!"
Fluttershy's blood was reaching boiling point. "Shut up, both of you! There will be no fighting, no dying, just shut the fuck up!" Both parties were surprised by the silent protector, a Dark Knight, interjecting so suddenly. "Now, nut up and apologize to each other."
"Fuck that!"
"FUCKING APOLOGIZE OR I WILL CUT YOU!"
The stallion went from surprised, to angry, to scared. "Ok, dickhead. I won't put you in a stew. In fact, I'm sorry." His voice trembled as he spoke.
'Of course you have no balls. I'm not apologizing!'
Fluttershy's eyes began to twitch. Her veins started to show. "Angel... Apologize. NOW!"
Angel jumped up from shock. 'I'm sorry, you bitch. Happy?'
"Better!" Fluttershy's demeanor changed from murderous killer to cheerful pony in a picosecond within a picosecond. Her attention turned to the attractive stallion. "I'm sorry this happened. But why is Angel covered in paint?"
After getting over the rage, the stallion calmed down enough to not choke the multi-colored piece of shit. "I left a pallet of paint on the floor to do lunch, and this asshole came in and fucked everything up!" The stare at Angel was sharp, like a knife sharpened by the Edge of Glory! "His name is Angel? He's anything but!"
'Bring it on! Come on! I bet you won't!'
"I will kick you all the way to Prance! Fuck off!"
Fluttershy would have to turn into Flutterbitch soon. "FUCKING SHUT UP!" With everyone scared of her, she turned to the stranger. "Now, um... stallion, you like to paint?"
His stature rose a bit due to the confidence he felt as he nodded. "My name's Anonymous, by the way. And yes, in my spare time. It's a hobby more than a passion that I just dabble in."
"That's nice. I haven't seen this house out here before."
A blush graced his cheeks. "Well, I built it a while ago. Also, these are the outskirts, so no one really looks for this place, which is a bonus."
Fluttershy's surprise showed. "You built this place?"
"Yeah. I'm an architect, so this was easy."
Fluttershy motioned for Angel to get on her back, which he did. He sat between her wings. "Good for you. Well, I'll take my pim- pet and stop bugging you." As she got ready to turn and fly away, she swore she heard her own voice, just deeper.
"Um... Actually. I just got done, um, making lunch, and I made extra. Also, you only saw the outside. So, if you want to see the... inside...of my house. That can be, you know, a thing that happens."
"Oh, thank you for the invitation, but we're okay." Putting on a pleasant smile and going for the high road, Fluttershy turned.
At that point, the stomachs of the master and his slave growled.
She reconsidered. "Actually, if you have extra, I wouldn't mind. But what about Angel?"
Standing up, the asshole started making demands. 'I only take carrots and lettuce!'
"I'll shove a carrot up your ass and feed you it. How do you like that, fuckface?" The fire was quick to reignite.
Angel went from Fluttershy right to the stallion's ear. 'If you don't do this, I WILL cockblock you.'
A bitch switch flipped. "I have a carrot and head of lettuce not cut up yet. Cool?"
'That will do, bitch.'
The time bomb known as Fluttershy was hungry enough, and if she had to wait... ponies would die. "Okay. Let's go in."
***
The ponies and bunny walked in, Anonymous leading the others to the kitchen table. The food was on the counter, smelling of multiple seasonings.
"I'm just going to make this look presentable. There's some soup, salad and condiments, and steamed vegetables with seasoning for lunch."
Fluttershy looked around and took everything in. Angel looked for shit to fuck up.
Right after walking in the door, there was a bed to the right in the corner. It was messy, unmade, probably crusty. Opposite the bed, a bookcase filled to the brim with enough knowledge to make Twilight orgasm. To the left, a kitchen with Anon, food, a fire pit, collection of cooking utensils, and a chimney. Lastly, in the corner opposite the kitchen was a cello, with many pieces of paper laid around. A lot like Rarity's "organized chaos". (Hey, it's a small place; there's not much to describe, okay?) All in all, Fluttershy liked it. It worked, especially for one pony.
"This is nice and homey. How long ago did you build this?"
"About... a year ago. Three months of building, but well worth it."
Fluttershy subtly stared at the muscles that must have resulted from that experience. "I can only imagine the effort to build this. Where did you learn all this?"
"Heh. That's actually a funny story. Um, I didn't go to school for architecture. I just read a ton of books, and went from there. Then when I applied for a job, they thought I had a degree."
The eyes traveled further down to a bigger group of muscles. "Is that why your cutie mark is a book?"
"Pretty much. Yeah. I just read anything I want to learn and teach myself. Food is ready, by the way." Anon climbed down from the counter, a carrot and thing of lettuce in hoof. "Here you go, motherfucker."
'Joke's on you, fatherfucker.' Angel bounded, grabbed the food, and went outside. At least he kept good on his word.
"So just grab whatever." Sitting down with his food, Anon subtly eyed Fluttershy's ass, catching her cutie mark while doing so. "So, Butterfly..."
"My name's Fluttershy."
"Fluttershee?"
The grip on the plate tightened. "Fluttershy."
"Fluttersha?"
The food in the hoof turned to mush. "FLUTTERSHY."
"Flutterby?"
The plate almost broke on the counter. "Are you fucking joking? Fluttershy. Flut-ter-shy."
"Fluttershy?"
The plate sighed in relief. "YES! Thank you!"
"...I'm calling you Fluttershee."
The very thing holding her psyche together broke. "aaaagggGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"
Anon raised a hoof, effectively shutting her up. "Fluttershy, I'm joking. Now don't be breaking my shit."
"...I hate you."
"If you really do, there's the door. I won't stop you. More food for me." Anon's stare could rival Maud's.
Again, now's a good time for Fluttershy's stomach to growl and remind everyone of her situation. A smile graced Anon's muzzle; he had won the match with an perfect K/D ratio.
"Fine." Fluttershee sat down across from Anon, and the real awkwardness began. After a few seconds, Anon tried to get the ball rolling. Down onto Angel. Fuck him.
"So, how did you get your cutie mark? You know my story."
"Um, my friend Rainbow Dash was flying in a race and knocked me off a cloud. I was falling to my death. Scary times."
Confusion was evident on his face. "...You're a pegasus. Why not fly?"
"Hush now," She snapped. "But before I hit the ground, a bunch of butterflies caught me. Then I saw animals, and, because of plot convenience, I got my cutie mark then."
"And so you can talk to animals?"
"Talk to them, understand them, help them out, have a fight club and make bets..." Good times. "But animals are my life, and I absolutely love them."
More silence. Now, Fluttershy started the conversation back up.
"You read a lot?"
"Oh, yeah. I read how to do architecture, cook, and just anything I'm interested in. It's like music; I just listened to... Um... Octave? Octavi? Tavi?"
"Octavia?"
"Yes! That one! But her music and performances are mind-blowing, so I just dove head-first into music theory, reading about diminished and augmented notes, modes, enharmonic names, dominant chords, just everything."
"Well, you would get along well with Twilight. She reads so much, I'm surprised she has her eyesight intact. Also, her library is much bigger than yours, so she always learns SOMETHING. Even reading the same book. Eight times in a row." With each detail she added, she became more exasperated.
"Wait. Twilight Sparkle? She lives in Canterlot, right?"
This ignorant bitch. "You know the castle in the middle of town?"
"Twilight lives THERE?! I thought that was some pretentious asshole who wanted to show off everything he had. But a Princess lives in PONYVILLE?! I never knew!"
"That should be the first thing that you learn about Ponyville. How could you NOT know that?"
Anon couldn't look at Fluttershy dead on. He just munched on his meal quietly. "Um... I just go into town for food and an occasional massage. I don't pay attention to much else."
*Facehoof* "You REALLY need to get out more."
Anon was finished with his plate, and some crumbs remained. "I mean, I've traveled to a lot of places, so I already do. Been to other countries, towns, everywhere." He started licking the plate in such a way that Rarity would faint.
"Is that how you eat pussy?" Fluttershy couldn't hold back the comment.
"...I don't eat cats. That's just mean, Butterfly."
Earlier rage returned with full force. "My name is Fluttershy!" Since her plate was clean as well, she brought her hoof down onto the table, right next to it. Hey, she wasn't breaking his shit yet!
"Don't know, don't care. Just don't break my shit. By the way, I'll take that plate."
Anon gathered the plates and put them up on the counter. "Thanks for the company."
Fluttershy got up and started walking to the door. "Thank you for lunch. It was nice talking to you. I enjoyed it."
Again, Anon started to blush. "Well, if you want to come over again, my door's open."
Fluttershy looked at the door. "Indeed it is open." It indeed was open.
"Take it easy, smartass."
After that, Angel jumped on Fluttershy's back. He landed between her wings, commanding his steed. 'Forth Eorlingas!'
"Save the role play for later, honey." A rolling of the eyes later, and they started leaving.
Even though they were moving away, Fluttershy's cutie mark remained in Anon's stomach.
Anon mumbled to himself, "She's nice. And not a whorse. I like her."
For the past few days, Twilight was holed up in the castle, and any attempt to see her was met with Spike shooing away the guest. Hopefully, today would be different.
The door opened, Twilight greeting her friends. "Hey. Sorry I've been holed up, but did you know that you can't determine an electron's position and velocity at the same time? Did you also know that apples can cause ponies to discover new forces of nature?!"
"Ah knew that!" Applejack spoke up from the back. Of course she would know that...
Twilight scanned over her friends, relishing the faces. There would be a lot they mayo may not ketchup on. But she noticed something. "Why do you all have nose plugs?"
Rarity started bawling her eyes out. "Why is that the only thing ponies will focus on?! I am more than my muzzle!"
"At least ponies don't worry about blood going into their food! It isn't even bleeding anymore! It just hurts a lot!" Pinkie bitched.
"That's why speed is my friend. If they can't see ya, they won't say anything!" Rainbow preened.
"Seriously ya'll, if anypony says anything, I'm going to buck them and make them understand mah pain."
"All right, come in and we'll talk," Twilight interjected, "and don't bleed anywhere. Fluttershy, why do you not have them as well?"
"Oh. Um... I'll tell you later."
They all corraled into the throne room and took their respective seats. Going to her own, Twilight figured since they probably wouldn't start talking on their own, she had to start. "So what happened?"
"We met at the spa-" "I went to his house-" "I met up with Pinkie-" "He bought one of mah pies-" "Angel ran off-"
"One at a time! Since Fluttershy doesn't have nose plugs, I want to hear what she has to say!"
All eyes focused on Fluttershy. She slightly cowered at the attention, but pushed forward. "Um, Angel ran off and went into a house. I met a very nice, attractive stallion, and we actually had lunch together. That was very nice." She blushed slightly, remembering the experience.
"Wait, darling. He took you out to lunch?! And didn't punch you?!" Rarity couldn't believe it.
"Well, he made lunch and invited Angel and I inside to eat. We just talked, really. He was a very nice host."
"You ate INSIDE of his house? He allowed that?" The other ponies were in severe disbelief, and they could hardly breathe. It was getting loud. Too loud. "What did you do so special to not get a broken muzzle?!" Rainbow asked.
"We just talked. Nothing too special."
Twilight had to take control back of the conversation. "OK! So Fluttershy said her piece. Rarity, what happened?"
Before even a word was uttered, she had to fix her mane up real quick. "Oh. Ahem." With a deep breath, "we met at the spa and talked. I tried to figure him out, and he was very nice. But then I tried to seduce him, and he punched me and called me a whorse." Rarity's fainting couch appeared behind her, there if needed. "Nopony does that to a lady!"
"What did he look like? He must've been attractive for you to try your charm." The more Twilight knew, the better she could act.
"Simply divine, darling." "Ah agree with that." "There's no denying THAT!" "He made me wet in ten seconds flat!" "I really liked how he looked."
"Attractive? Check." Of course, a checklist appeared next to Twilight for her to keep up on. "Any defining characteristics?" After seconds of silence, she left that one blank.
She ran through the list, which I am too lazy to describe.
"So, this pony is basically every mare's dream. I have some shit to work on, but I'll find him and fuck him. UP!" Twilight's amended sentence went unnoticed to everypony but her. "He needs to learn a friendship lesson..."
***
"Hey. How can I help you?" Spike said to the stallion he opened the door to. Spike wasn't that gay, but damn, this stallion was hot! But Spike didn't expect him to stare a bit.
"A dragon? Wow." The stare was broken. "Anyways, I need a book on the complete history of music, preferably unabridged." Having to do this many times a day, Spike was used to memorizing many details and already mentally sorting books to get the best one.
"I know what you need! 'The History of Music, Theory, and Musicians'." Spike grabbed the thick book from the bottom shelf. It seemed to be about 750, maybe 800 pages packed with information. "I just need your name real quick."
The book landed on the stallion's back; it was going to be a long way home. "Oh. My name's Anonymous. Thank you for this-"
"SPIKE!" Twilight's voice rang out as she came inside of the room. "I need all these books sorted-" She saw the guest and stopped. As smart as Twilight was, she didn't know anything about romance. Well, other than that book Cadance gave her when she became a princess, called "Pony Sitra" or something like that. But Twilight liked what she saw, and wanted more. So she approached while saying, "Spike, can you give us a moment? Just read your comics or something?"
"Oh, thank you, dictator! Thank you!" He literally flew to his room to get busy with... stuff.
It was a bit awkward, so Twilight went with what she knows best and was obvious. "You only have one book? Sure you don't want more books?!"
"I'm good with one book."
Nine books levitated from the shelves and flew over to Twilight. "Are you sure? What about history of magic? Starswirl the Bearded? Personal diary- oh shit." That specific book was tossed yards away. She started right back up like nothing ever happened. "Newpony's three laws? Calculus?"
"No, Princess. I'm good."
"If you're sure..." The eight books teleported to their original locations. "I just have to check the books out over here." Twilight trotted over to the paper on the stand, and saw the name. She started putting mental pieces together...
"Um, the dragon already did that."
"...So you're the stallion that punched my friends' muzzles?" A little spark of fire was lit. Anon had about five seconds to save his ass before gasoline was added.
"Yes, I am."
"Why would you hurt my friends? That's absolutely unacceptable!" The gasoline was added, and Anon's next sentence could be his last.
"If you listen to my side of the story, I can tell you why I acted the way I did and why it is acceptable."
Intrigue filled Twilight. "Oh really? My friends told me everything I need to know. What more can you tell me?"
"I acted that way because they were trying too hard to get me."
"Bullshi- oh. What?" That was unexpected as all hell.
"Again, Princess, let me speak and you'll understand. I assume you know Fluttershy, and you noticed she has a perfectly fine muzzle. It's simple. All of the others tried to get with me too fast, rather than just chill and be themselves. Rarity was overdramatic and tried to stroke my ego, Pinkie is just weird, Rainbow is too forward, Applejack took my first kiss, but Fluttershy was relaxed. Calm. That's why I like her."
"...So by trying to come onto you, they were not genuine?" Twilight wanted to make sure she had it right.
"In simple terms, Fluttershy is the best pony I've met so far. The others are just too weird."
"But they are great friends! If you just told them to back off, they would've, and you could have four more amazing friends!" Twilight was getting heated, in more ways than one.
Frustration showed on Anon's face. "That's what Applejack said, before kissing me."
"...Can you blame her? You are pretty cute, after all. Just saying!"
"I know I'm attractive! By the way, take the advice I'm saying right now. I know your mind is racing right now."
Blushies filled Twilight's cheeks. "...No it's not! I'm just thinking of... um... the difference between hyphens, em dashes, and en dashes!"
"Hyphens connect two or more words, en dashes signify a range, and em dashes are used for interruptions. Nice excuse."
Twilight threw her head back and sighed. "Anonymous, I'm not thinking about you and what can happen between us!"
"Then look me in the eyes and say that without blinking."
"Fine!" Her head snapped, eyes ready to make a statement. "I am not- not thinking-" The eyes she saw were just entrancing and beautiful. The urge to blink got harder to resist. "Not- not thinking... Not- UUUUUGGGH!" She finally blinked. "OK. Yes! I'm thinking about you and what could happen! Happy?!"
"Good. Honesty is always good. So... with what I said in mind, would you like to do anything?"
"We can read books, discuss books, have a book fight- Aaaaahhhh! I wish, but I have a lot of stuff I need to get done. Maybe rain check for sometime soon?" She smiled slightly. The hope of hanging out soon flickered, dependent all on Anon.
Anon turned towards the entrance and started leaving. "All right, Princess. I'll see you around." He passed through the door and was gone.
"Finally, some wholesome ponies who don't immediately bend over for me."
Coming back from Twilight's castle, Anon reflected on the last little bit. All of the mares he has interacted with lately have certainly seemed nice, but just too... forward.
'They're too quick to want sex. No regard for the pony behind the dick or looks. Huhhh... It's good that I ran into that green guy. He was really fucking wise. He really set me straight, and on a better path.'
'...Pizza sounds good right now. I want some cheese. Or pepperoni. I just want some food. I wonder if Sugarcube Corner is open right now. A pastry sounds good, but then that's a bunch of empty sugar. Hnghhhhh. I'm fucking hungry! Heh. A cream pie sounds nice, and not the eating kind. Oh, finally. Home.'
The door looked so inviting, as where there's a door, there's a bed. Where there's a bed laid the best thing ever. Too bad that when the door was tried, it was locked.
"What the fuck? I hardly lock it."
It opened on the second attempt.
"That... what? Eh. Anyways..."
He walked into an empty void of pure nothingness. Nah, not really. Just a room with no lights.
"SURPRISE!!!"
...And a FUCKING HEART ATTACK! Out of pure instinct, Anon screamed like a foal and leapt back. The lights came on, and in his adrenaline-ridden state, he took in the six ponies in the house. There were streamers, balloons, confetti, a punch bowl, everything a party was supposed to have.
"What- How- ...I- WHAT?!" Anon tried to comprehend how in a short amount of time, his house was transformed from a regular abode to, well, this!
"I set this all up!" Pinkie Pie announced. "I knew you wouldn't like a big gathering, so I just got all of my best friends together! Not like there would be any room for more ponies than this, anyways! And don't worry; nopony will come onto you tonight! Now enjoy yourself!"
Anonymous.exe is processing data...Attempt failed.
The other ponies started to partake in their activities. Anon just went to the punch bowl and poured himself a cup. He needed a moment to process... everything. Pinkie set everything up with attention to detail and atmosphere. She remembered something that he had told her. This was actually very thoughtful of her. He brought the cup to his lips and tilted.
*COUGH*
All attention turned to him as he spat the liquid out. There was a very shitty taste in his mouth right now. "What the FUCK is this? It's not punch!"
"Of course not, silly! It's my special juice I only make for the special occasions!" The smile on Pinkie's face scared Anon. The other ponies seemed nervous and/or scared. "I call it 'Jungle Juice'."
"And exactly WHAT is in it?!"
"Strawberry juice, orange juice, vodka, a few berries-"
"VODKA?!" Anon was getting ready to gag. "I haven't had good experiences with that shit!" Vietnam flashbacks started. The mental picture you have started to turn black and white, with dramatic music in the background.
"Eh. Give it time..."
The way Pinkie changed her tone, as if knowing the future, was unsettling. Anon had a bad feeling about this...
Despite the drink, he could still enjoy the party. Somehow.
*** Half of a cup in ***
Anon could not feel too much of an effect. He knew that if he had more, however, it could turn bad. VERY bad. He scanned the small crowd, looking for something to do. Pin the tail on Celestia and her royal flank? Nah. Bob for apples? Not interested. But then he saw something, or some pony interesting.
He approached Fluttershy, her being alone and seemed like she could use some company.
She didn't notice him; her rear was facing him, which was a great view in and of itself. Time to have some... fun. For him. "Hey, Fluttershy."
One might have thought Opal got scared by how Fluttershy jumped. "AH! I don't know why, who, what-" She turned and took in what just happened. The wide eyes and frown were quickly replaced with closed eyes and a smile. "Oh. Hi, Anon. How are you liking this party so far?"
"I'm okay. You?"
"I'm wonderful."
Anon leaned in to speak into her ear. "So real quick. How the hell did Pinkie set all this up in a short time?"
He moved back. "Yeah, she is pretty weird... She seems really nice, though."
"She actually is. She tries her best to get everypony to be happy, no matter what. Pinkie actually made friends with the most bitter donkey, and helped him find his love from another city."
"Really? Wow. Pinkie, weird as she is, does give off that vibe of carefree aloofness. Just go along with the flow kind of pony, you know?" A detail caught his eye. "Speaking of Pinkie, I'm going to get more juice. I'll be back. Don't go far!"
*** One cup in ***
Anon's head was buzzing. He felt warmth radiating through his body, and his coordination was a little bit off. Just buzzed right now, and now is a good point to stop.
A beautiful mane caught his attention. Good thing he could remember who it belonged to right now. "Hey, Rarity!" He made his way over to said marshmallow pony. Her attention turned to him. "I'm quite sorry I broke your muzzle. That was rude of me, and I shouldn't have been that rash."
"HMPH." Rarity turned a cold shoulder to Anon, and pouted. Her eyes closed. Well, they were slightly open to see if she could get the reaction she wanted.
"Fine. Be that way!" Back to the juice!
*** One and a half cups in***
"Wassup, Rainbow Drash!" Anon's words slurred together, he had about 20% coordination, and he was speaker louder than usual.
All of those things, Rainbow noticed. "You good, Anon? You seem pretty buzzed."
"Pfffft. I'm fantastic! How about you?"
"I'm awesome! Oh wait; I usually am."
"Dammit, Rainbow." Anon leaned in close. "So that rainbow color is natural in your mane?"
"100%. No games here!"
"...That's tight. Keep rocking it, Rainbro- Rainbow!" Anon walked back to the juice bowl. He grabbed the handle to get more of the sweet elixir, but a purple aura appeared around it. It just wouldn't budge. He tried again, with the same result.
"Anon, take it easy just a little bit." Twilight's voice came from behind Anon.
"Twilight. Thanks for watching out, but I'm completely fine. Don' worray 'bout may."
"So why are you showing signs that you're drunk? Those are not fine."
"Ease up, book horse. Just relax a little bit. We're here to have fun; don't be such a buzzkill."
"I'm not being a buzzkill. I'm just watching out for you."
"You are an egghead, though."
One could almost mistake Twilight for Rapidash at this point. Almost. "I'm not an egghead! I am well-read!"
"So an egghead. An adorable egghead, but still an egghead." Deadpan game 10/10.
"...adorable?" Anime blushies 200/Kawaii.
"Yes. Quite adorable." Anon knew how to work mares, and even a Princess was no exception. "And you know what would make you so much more adorable? If I could get more juice."
Well, maybe one exception. "No. I won't allow it. Take a little bit of time and calm down."
"Fine..." Anon sighed, desperately wanting more of what he can't have. But he could make small talk. Go from there. Fuck bitches.
"So you were born a princess?"
"No. I was originally a unicorn, but Celestia gave me wings after I solved one of Starswirl's unfinished spells."
"An unfinished spell? By Starswirl? Never heard of that. So you like the wings, or prefer being without them?"
"Well, they were tough to get down at first, but now, I can't imagine being without them."
"Wow. So, Celestia, huh? You know her personally?"
"Of course! She was my personal mentor. Actually, she is more than that."
"Hm... Lover?"
"NOT LIKE THAT!"
Caught up in her remark, Twilight didn't notice Anon now going for the juice. "Hey!"
"Gotcha. But thanks for looking out, book horse. I'm better now, but it's a party. Let's live it up!"
He went from the purple alicorn to a bubble-gum colored earth pony. "Hey, Pinkie!"
She turned. "Hey, Anonymous! Enjoying the party?"
"Fuck yes! I don't know how you did it, but I like it!" A hoof wrapped around Pinkie's neck, and their bodies came closer. "Thank you for this. It's really thoughtful of you."
"Aw, shucks. Don't worry about it, Anon. As long as you're happy, we're good!"
They pulled away from each other. "I'm happy! And buzzed! But HOW did you do this in a short time?"
"Heeey. That's a secret. A Pinkie Pie secret!"
"Well, keep your secrets, and I'll keep this juice. I fucking love it!"
"I knew you would!" The grin from earlier returned.
"...That's what you meant? You knew I would like it?"
"Yup!"
"...I don't know if you're psychic or psycho. Kind of too drunk to care."
*** Two cups in ***
"Hey, Applejack!"
"Hey, Sugarcube! Enjoyin' yourself so far?"
"Yea, but I've got something to settle with you."
"What? What do you have to settle?"
"You kissed me on the lips. Nopony has ever done that. Honestly, kinda pissed about that."
"Ah... Well... That was a heat of the moment thing, and I'm sorry for doing that. I didn't plan on doing it."
"Hush, Applejack. You took my first kiss, but I didn't participate. If you want to actually kiss me, I'm here right now." *Hic*
"Sugarcube, as much as Ah want to, I can't do that and sleep at night. It's wrong."
*HIC* "Ok, fine. I was just joking anyways."
"Nah, ya seemed serious enough."
"Shaddup. *HIC* But I'm seriously tired... I'm going to bed." Anon started to move in the direction of the bed, and started putting one hoof in front of the other... then passed out then and there. One might think he died if no one knew he had drank alcohol from how sudden he fell.
A suspicion crept into Twilight's mind. "...Pinkie, how strong was that vodka?"
"Eh. Something like 170 proof, whatever that means."
"PINKIE! THAT MEANS IT'S 85 PERCENT ALCOHOL!"
Being Pinkie, she didn't quite get it. "...That's good, right? Get drunk quicker, and have more fun, all that shit!"
"PINKIE! Just- *PISSED OFF SIGH* Let's make sure we get him on the bed, and he isn't sleeping on his back. Then we'll leave."
"Would it help if somepony stayed with him through the night?"
"No, that wouldn't be necessary." Was that jealousy? No one will ever know. Even I don't.
"I don't have much going on, so I don't mind staying the night."
"Well, if you're sure, go for it."
Twilight used her magic to grab Anon's sleeping, drooling body and started towards the bed. Meanwhile, Rarity bitched. "How can one be so uncouth?! Drooling? EW!" And Twilight shut her down. "He's asleep. No control over what his body does." She looked at one certain thing, and blushed heavily. "Absolutely no control," she mumbled to herself.
With a feather-light touch, Anon was settled into bed on top of the blanket. His body instinctively went into the fetal position for warmth. The utter look of peace on his face made the six others "AWWW". Except Rainbow. She doesn't do that shit. Applejack approached and grabbed the blanket to put on top of him.
"Applejack, dear, I should have done that. I'M the generous one, after all." Rarity struck a pose to accentuate her point.
"...Rarity, we know. You brag about this shit all the time! Let's just go!" Remembering the conversation from earlier, Twilight looked at the pony staying behind. "Um, have fun, I guess."
"Definitely." With that, the pony got in bed and snuggled right next to Anon. She looked over his face and couldn't believe she was going to sleep with the personification of beautiful! The tent under the blanket caught her attention, and she blushed heavily.
"Wow..." As much as she wanted to pounce right now, a yawn told her that wouldn't be the best thing right now, for biological and moral reasons. She got as close as she could to Anon's body, their warmth becoming one force. With one last inhale before crashing out, she spoke one last thing.
Anonymous felt the softness of the pillow beneath his head, and it was cradling him like... well, nothing I can think of. As his senses became more aware, the headache he had was pounding. A hoof touched his forehead, but that just made everything worse. His head recoiled back to escape the pain, only to hit the wall behind him. The one downside of sleeping against walls? Shit like this.
"Are you okay?!" That voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't place who it was. It also sounded amplified in his ear canals, so the migraine only became worse. Anon's response was to put a hoof to his ear to block any further sound. However, that hoof sound in and of itself worsened the pain. He just couldn't win. The only thing his mind could think to do was let out a louder moan.
"Hmmm..."
"You really can't handle your shit, can you?"
That fucking voice wouldn't go away! Again, his response was to moan louder. He moaned at least this loud...
"OOOOOOHHHHHH!"
"Ok then. Bye!"
The sound of the voice, again, rustled Anon's jimmies to an extreme! His eyes chose that moment to open up, but the sudden intrusion of light closed his eyes again. 'Celestia damn it... What happened last night, though?' His memory was foggy, and it came in bits and pieces, flashes and spurts.
'He got home. There was a party. He got more and more drunk. Talked to... Applejack last. Yeah, that's right. Then... his mattress got on the roof of his house!' A look and feel below him disproved that theory. 'But that voice... who was that? I know that voice. Eh. Hopefully, it wasn't a stranger.'
Opening his eyes slowly this time, he took in the sight of the familiar surroundings. It was nice to see his house back to normal. He blinked. Everything was 100% back in its proper place. They did a hell of a job cleaning up! 'But did they clean up while wearing those Prench maid outfits?'
The existing tent under the blanket seemed to harden more at that thought. His attention went to that matter; he couldn't go anywhere with his current predicament. 'This bullshit. Time for an ice pack.' Yes, you read that right. He needed ice for this shit, for he is on a level we can't understand. 'Why does this happen? I'm getting tired of it!' He wanted to get out of bed, but he wasn't THAT awake yet. Instead, five minutes more sounded optimal. But Celestia had other plans.
Celestia looked at her plans. "Indeed I do. Please don't pester me with your shit!"
Okay, FATE had other plans. And it came in a sound of a crash outside. A crash that could be heard around the world! And it scared Anon enough to get him to roll out of bed. The earlier migraine returned with a vengeance named Zacky.
"FUUUUUUUCKING HELL! OOOOWWWWW!" It felt like a hundred Dalmatians were running all over him at the same time. Screw that; one hundred and one Dalmatians! "It's too early for any shit! WHAT WAS THAT?!" Slowly, steadily, like a tortoise, he crawled his way to the door. After only two steps, he was tired of crawling, for these wounds would not heal. He stood up and walked to the door to see what happened. Upon opening the door, he was met with a weird sight indeed. "You motherfuckers are gonna kill all my lillies!" Angel and his bunny friends were eating his lillies, and that was unacceptable. Being little bitches, they ran off. Anon's eyes drifted to the mare with her head sticking through the back of his mailbox, and her ass hanging out of the front end.
He had never seen this mare around before, but judging by her satchel laying over her gray coat and the hat on top of her blonde mane, she was a mail delivery pony. "I'm sorry! I didn't see where I was going, and when I did, I couldn't react in time!"
The innocence factor and adorable meter went off of the charts! He decided in that moment that she was his waifu, and he must protect her at all costs. "Huh... I'll be able to fix it. Can you get out by yourself, or do you need help?" Her eyes opened, and Anon realized could see the call for help in her eyes. Well, one of them. He didn't know where the other one was looking.
She wiggled, trying to get out, but all she did was put on a show for anyone looking at her rear at that moment. In the distance, the phrase "Oh. My. God. Look at her butt" could be heard. "Um... Can you help? Please?"
"Sure. I'll pull from behind, and you try using your front hooves to come back." Anon moved around to perform his task, and noticed her cutie mark. "Why is your cutie mark a bunch of bubbles?"
"Oh. I'll tell you that story after I get unstuck."
"Sounds good." Anon was now face-to-face with her rump, along with... other parts. "Ready?" He sat down, getting his front hooves ready to grab into the supple flesh. Well, on the bright side, he was getting an up-close view that he could appreciate for all it's worth.
"As soon as you're done enjoying the view back there." She knew?! Eh, well, with how big her ass was, it wasn't that hard to guess what he would be doing. "Okay. One. Two. Three- WAIT! Hey! I wasn't ready!"
"But it's one-two-three, right?"
"No. It's one-two-three, go!"
"...I don't get it, but we can do that instead." Anon sunk his hooves back into dat ass, ready to pull and get a feel. "Okay! One!"
"Two!"
"Three!"
Both of them shouted, "Go," and performed their respectful actions. The mare was wiggling, and Anon pulled with only half of his strength. Hey, architecture and construction can turn a colt into a stallion, and Anon proved that theory! After a few seconds of no apparent sliding, Anon just pulled harder. The next thing he knew, that bubble butt flew into his face and hit him right on the muzzle. The next thing after that, he hit the ground and struggled to breathe under the massive mass.
"Thank you, um, what's your name?" The mare seemed unaware that he was suffocating, but enjoying himself at the same time. "Oh! Sorry!" She moved forward so she was sitting on his chest. "Better?"
"OH SWEET O2! Hey. Did you know that oxygen actually pairs so all oxygen we breathe in is actually two atoms, not one? It's too unstable as one atom, so it bonds with another to stabilize!"
During his rant, the waifu had gotten off of his chest and was looking at his form still lying on the ground"Ohhh. kay? I'm sorry, though, for flying into your mailbox."
Anon recovered and stood up. "Oh. No worries, um, what's your name?"
"Just call me Ditzy Doo, or Derpy. Derpy's my nickname, and I don't mind it. I actually kind of like it. Derp!" At that moment, Derpy derped, and it was the derpiest derp to derp in the derp of derp. Derp. "Though I know you preferred staying behind me... what's your name?"
"Anonymous, and I have no complaints about the view."
Derpy chuckled a little bit. "Well, as much as I would love to, I have a job to do. Hold on. Anonymous, right?"
"I used to be, but I can't remember right now."
"I have an urgent letter for you. Give me a moment real quick to find it." Derpy opened the satchel with her teeth and grabbed a hoofful of letters. She sat down on that big butt of hers and used her left hoof to hold the letters, her right to sort them. While she did that, a thought came to Anon.
"Hey, Derpy. You owe me a story about your cutie mark. So, how did that happen?"
"Well, the fandom has come up with many theories, so I won't ruin anything by telling what ACTUALLY happened."
"...You liar. You said you would tell me!" Anon's face was laced with mock anger. He couldn't stay mad at Senpai for too long.
"Here we go! Or, um, here YOU go." A letter was handed off from her hoof to his.
"Thanks. Sooo... See you around, Derpy!"
"Have a good day!" Derpy said that, and leaned forward to kiss Anon on the cheek. Even though this was his waifu, his Senpai, old habits die hard. The light built up inside, and his voice got louder.
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORSE!"
Derpy just didn't know what went wrong. One moment, she was saying good-bye. The next, she was flying without aid from her wings. She also had a hard time breathing in the oxygen that Anon ranted about earlier. Instead, blood filled and dripped from her nostrils. The pain hit her all at once. "OW! WHY, ANON?!" She landed many feet away.
"私のwaifu！ ごめんなさい！1" Anon could only watch as his hoof betrayed him. He would have to cut it off, like that one pony from The Trotting Dead. Mmm... Nicker Grimes was a great character. But his past times could wait; his love was hurt!
"私はあなたを傷つけるつもりはなかった！2" This foreign language came naturally to him, but he had no idea what this shit meant! However, Derpy seemed to already be moving. She was getting to her hooves, satchel being secured around her barrel. Her eyes seemed to be properly aligned now, so not everything was bad.
Anon ran through what he could do, and decided on the best one. "Okay, I'll leave her. What came in for me?" He walked inside, through his door, and sat down on his bed. He grabbed a paper and pen to write any needed information. The letter intrigued him to no end. After reading and writing the information, he looked over it.
"Contract. Canterlot. One month. 10,000 bits. Add a small room to Royal Castle." This was a no-brainer. Of course he would say, "FUCK YES!"
"I need to get packing. Fucking starts in two days!" Anon grabbed a mediun-sized bag nearby, opened it, and threw it on the floor. "Clothes and equipment, toiletries, condoms..." Hey, you never truly know! But everything went in; clothes, tools, toiletries, a blue feather, paper for writing plans, and pens.
"That's everything... But what if Fluttershy-san comes by? I did invite her over... Ok, I just gotta put a sign up real quick." The sign subsequently said, 'Out on business. Don't expect back anytime soon. Remember The Alamo.'
"Good enough. Canterlot, here I come!" Anon departed for the train station, looking forward to the adventure and experience he would... experience. (I'm tired, mkay?) '10,000 bits is a steal! Then again, it will probably be the most intense work I've ever done, but I am prepared! Thine anus shall be penetrated! Oh, what? Where did that come from? Anyways...'
"I'm going to Canterlot! Hopefully there's a chocolate factory as well! Didn't I get a golden ticket once? That was weird..."
The sign on the spa door just got switched from "Closed" to "Open". Lotus got inside and looked around the waiting room, making sure everything was in place and clean. Aloe was behind the counter.
"Today isn't all that booked, right?" Lotus had forgotten; Aloe mainly took care of the scheduling.
"After noon, yes."
"Ok. What time in the afternoon?"
"No, after. Noon."
"Oh."
"UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!"
The sound of the groan and door being SLAMMED open made both ponies jump like they were pole-vaulting in the special Olympics. "BEGONE, HEATHEN! "Aloe went to reach for the holy water blessed by Celestia under the counter, but after the adrenaline ran out, she realized that it was their most attractive customer to date. "Never mind. Hello, Anon! It's been quite a while since we've seen you! How are you today?" Lotus was still recovering from the shock of the surprise.
"...UGGGGH! I need a massage right now! My body feels like Jello, I can barely think straight, and my muscles feel like marshmallows. Did I mention my fucking body hurts all over?!" Anon was short on his fuse, energy, and patience!
"Of course! Your usual appointment?"
"The most deluxe service you offer. I need everything you got! Hot stones, Pweden, deep tissue, sports, EVERYTH-ING!" His vocal cords seemed to be just as weak as his body at this point. If the vocal crack on "ING" and the coughing afterwards were any indication, all aspects of Anon were pushed to the limits, and went 20% over them.
"Our VIP treatment lasts two hours and is 250 bits. Are you sure you can afford it?"
"YES! Here you go!" A big bag of bits hit the counter. Aloe eyed the bag and mentally counted how many bits were in there, estimating... 500 bits?! "Keep the change as a tip!" Aloe and Lotus stared at each other for a second, knowing that their lives would be better because of this moment. "I just need to relax soon as possible! *COUGH* shit." His voice sounded like Fluttershy's at this point.
Lotus came to Anon, and for Anon, and guided him towards the doorway for the spa room. "Okay, okay! We're starting with the spa first to prepare for the Pwedish massage, then hot stones, then a Deep Tissue massage. Sound good?" Anon looked at her, his eyes conveying the level of gratitude that mere words couldn't express. Since his vocal cords was weak, he simply mouthed, "Thank you." They passed through the door for the spa.
"Of course. Just relax, and I'll bring you some water for your voice. I'll be right back."
A sigh escaped Anon's lips as he walked. He couldn't believe they would take care of him better than they usually did, which was already an amazing level of service. Yes, the price was high, but so was he. Er, his income right now. He got to the edge of the spa and slowly moved into the water. The heat seemed to massage his body in and of itself as he sunk down, which made him moan lightly. He needed this; a break fromwork, the mental stress, just life. He continued to sink into the water, going up the back, neck, and finally his head. He went all the way below to get his mane wet. Bored out of his mind, he mentally counted how long he could hold his breath. 'One. Two. Five. Four. Three. Oohz. Oohz. Oohz. Wub-wub-wub duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh.' The electronic music in his head sounded badass as he rose. As he broke the surface, he heard Lotus' voice.
"Here's that water. We'll get you in a little bit. Just relax and enjoy." A wink seemed to indicate something, but Anon's brain was too tired to really comprehend anything other than the current pleasure in his body. He hummed to indicate thanks, but Lotus was walking away at that point, so she probably heard nothing. His head was leaned back on the edge of the spa, utter relaxation taking over him.
***
"Anon! Wake up! It's time for the massage!" He felt a hoof on his shoulder, trying to move him.
"Noooo..." But when the word "massage" was processed, he was quicker to react. "I mean, yay!" His voice had come back somewhat, but still needed a break. He still sounded like Flutterguy. Anon slowly climbed out of the water, his muscles involuntarily relaxed and making it harder to move. He couldn't fight a smile from forming on his mouth as he followed Lotus- no, Aloe this time- to the other room. His pace was slower than usual.
Aloe chuckled a little bit. "Relaxed?"
A slow nod. "Mmm. Very."
"Just wait. We will make this unforgettable for you."
"I bet."
"No need to bet. Here we are." Indeed, there was the door that lead to more bliss for Anon, where he would spend the next hour and a half. Aloe opened the door for him, and eyed his ass as Anon passed by her. Her tongue licked her lips like she was a cat after a meal. She bound after him, watching as he climbed onto the table and settled. "Ready?"
"Yeah. Do your stuff." Eyes already heavy, hard to keep open, Anon was ready to sleep again. Celestia, this is the life. Other than being sore, of course. His ears picked up the sound of liquid moving around; the oil was getting onto Aloe's hooves, and in a matter of seconds, he would melt into pleasure. The sound of hooves moving closer and closer to him-
"Ohhhh..." He groaned as Aloe began to rub his body lightly, getting the blood flowing through it. She started from where the neck met the head, and took her time going down. Even though this was only the warm-up part of it, the soreness from a month's non-stop work made him more sensitive to everything. "That- Mmm... I need this."
Aloe figured the silence would be unpleasant. "It's been a while since we've seen you. Did you have something going on?"
"Oh. I went to Canterlot to add a room to the Royal Castle. I spent a month. A month of three hours of sleep a night, yelling until my voice went hoarse, pushing my body to the absolutes. A fucking month- FUCK!"
Aloe flinched, bringing her hooves back. "Ah! Sorry! What was that? Sore spot?"
Anon was breathing a bit heavier, but still in steady breaths. "Ah. Um. Very sore spot. I pulled a muscle on my back, so just take it easy." Aloe nodded to herself before continuing a bit above to see where she would have to avoid. As she got right past where the neck and back meet, she felt Anon tense and paused. "There?"
"If you go a bit right, yeah." Aloe started massaging again, making sure to remember and avoid the knot. Wait.
"Are you sure it's not a knot?"
"I'm knot sure." Anon chuckled at his own joke.
If Aloe's hooves were not occupied, she would have throttled Anon from behind. His neck was right there, after all...
A sigh. "But I had to grab something and really overextend my reach. It's been hurting so much, I can't even."
"You can't even what?"
"I just. Can't even."
"Well, we'll do what we can for it."
"I know you will. You two are great at this shit."
The blush covered Aloe's face. "Well, we try." Her hooves went from Anon's upper back and trailed lower.
"You two- *groan*- are just amazing. Haahhh... couldn't find better if I tried."
Aloe just heated up more, the compliments fuel to the fire. "You're too kind."
She went lower, touching the lower back.
"I think it's time for me to... return the kindness."
Lower.
"What are you talking about?"
"I want to suck on your big..."
She moved her entire body lower.
"Thick..."
Lower.
"Hoof."
She was face to face with Anon's back hooves, and started licking the right one. Her ears were met with a chorus of laughter, and twitching of the leg ensued.
"What- HAHAHHAAA! NO, PLEASE STOP! NO, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Out of reflex, his hoof extended just a little bit more, and a little bit faster. Right to Aloe's muzzle. The blood started spurting instantaneously. Aloe was knocked down onto her ass and put her front hooves over her nose.
All Anon could do was yell. "SHIT! I didn't mean for that to happen! SORRY! LOTUS!!!"
"What happened?" Lotus came in and immediately went over, standing in front of Aloe. "Aloe, come on. Just lower your hoof. Let me see."
"No, it hurts!" She whined.
"MOVE YOUR HOOF!"
Aloe flinched, then brought her hooves down. The blood flowed down freely, albeit slower now, staining the fur and the floor beneath.
Lotus facehoofed, then wrapped a hoof around Aloe. "Ok, follow me."
They left the room, and Anon was confused. "Muh massage..."
***
Anon waited. And waited. Where were the spa ponies to rub him?!
"Hopefully, any day now..."
The door opened, and a voice shortly followed.
"Aloe's okay now." Lotus turned to face Anon head on. "Why did you do that?!"
"HEY! You two know how sensitive my hooves are!"
"Like Rainbow's... Yes, but you shouldn't have kicked!"
"It was a reflex!"
"Still!"
"Okay, are we doing the massage or not? Because if not, I'll leave and take my bits back."
Lotus was brought back to the second point of the conversation. She closed her eyes slightly, trying to show aggression, but...
"...Where did Aloe leave off?" She moved to the counter with the oils, equipment, and... other massage stuff. Who would be stupid enough to give up such an amount of bits?!
"Um... we were about to do the hot stones. "
Steam was released as Lotus grabbed the top off of the bucket of stones. "You're so lucky we like you enough to do this." A stone went onto a towel next to the bucket. Two of them. Five. Four.
"What's this 'we' shit, kemosabe?" Anon's face was briefly covered in make-up, but only for a moment. "Also, the extra bits don't hurt, do they?" Lotus walked over with the corners of the towel in her mouth. She raised onto the side of the table and dropped the towel on the side.
"You're right about that." One stone on the back. Two. Five.
"Of course I am. Oh!" The heat from the stones could only be compared to himself. "These stones are as hot as I am!" They were certainly more relaxing than he was.
"That much is true. Very true." Lotus looked at Anon, feeling a bit of pride at being able to make Anon putty at her will. Meh. You get the point. And she knew the one way to utterly relax Anon.
"Now, onto the fun part... Deep tissue." With that, her hooves started on his lower back while avoiding the stone there. She started with a lot of pressure, as she knew he liked.
Moans escaped Anon's throat as the hooves neared his spot that only two ponies knew about. "Starting strong, aren't you?" He moaned louder as she neared closer. This was a bit faster-paced than his usual massage. Whereas Aloe or Lotus would be thorough, this was different. "Slow down, Lotus."
"Hmmm. No. Since you hurt Aloe, I will make you lose it." One hoof went lower to the special spot: Anon's supple ass. She grabbed a handful, then let go and spanked him. Both hooves went down, each to their respective spots. On the other hoof...
"ah HEY! What- MMMMM! You bit- SHIT!" Yes. Anon's ass was sensitive, so sensitive, that his behavior in chapter 3 makes sense, right? Hopefully? OK. His voice was becoming a bit weaker due to the loud moans and groans. With one last effort, he gave it his all.
The noise was so loud, so piercing, that Lotus leaned back. Too far so, that she actually fell on her back. Head-first. She passed out. Since Anon didn't know about her falling, he kept the noise strong and loud. Since I'm too lazy to describe more, have a scene transition.
***
After taking care of Aloe and Lotus, not in that way though, Anon was returning home. Due to today's unusual events, he wasn't as relaxed as he could be, but he would take what he can get. However, once he saw his house, something was wrong. Severely wrong. So wrong, that the FBI will show up any moment now.
It looked like his house got demolished. The walls and supports were knocked out, so the roof and floor were on the same level. What was once a proud house was utterly destroyed. No bed he can sleep in now. No kitchen to cook badass meals. No bookshelf for his fanfiction. NOTHING!
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?! WHO DID THIS??!! WHAT EVEN HAPPENED?!" A small, white object caught his eye. It looked like it was leaving the back of the house, trying to be sneaky. Wait. A fucking white object, WITH A FLUFFY WHITE TAIL! EARS THAT STOOD- *psyche snap*
"ANGEL! YOU FUCKFACE! DON'T FUCKING RUN AWAY! FACE YOUR PUNISHMENT, ASSHOLE!"
Unfortunately, Angel had a good head-start and was able to get out of sight easily. Fortunately, Anon remembered where Fluttershy lived. Then, the thought crossed his mind.
'...I probably have to spend the night somewhere that's not home. That means dealing with thots every moment from here on out. That means... oh, shit. What choice do I have, though? I kind of NEED a place to stay.' Le heavy sigh.
'Angel is going to pay for this. I'm going to find that sick bastard. And I'm going to kill him.'
"So I'm out of a place to stay for now, so... kind of need somewhere. You know anywhere, bookhorse?"
That's right. After finding his house in shambles, Anon decided to go to Twilight. Being the smart pony she was, she had to know SOMETHING!
"Well, I can try asking around. Until then, I suppose we can give you a bedroom in here. Celestia knows there's a lot of guest rooms here."
"Any help you can give, I appreciate dearly. I just hope I'm not intruding."
Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. "Don't worry about it! Friends help each other out, right?"
She was met with a stare from Anon. An confused stare, nonetheless.
"...Friends? After everything, including breaking muzzles?"
She stared back, trying to give a comforting feeling.
"Yes. Friends. I consider you a friend. Hey, even if I didn't, I'm not the Princess of Friendship for no reason." Her head tilted, giving a small smile.
The hesitation in Anon's voice was evident. "Eh. Well, you did become a princess and learn about friendship only because Celestia decreed it to be so, so... you. Kind of. Did. *COUGH* For no reason."
"..." An eye twitch. "I am going to pretend your traitorous mouth said nothing." Steam coming out from ears and nostrils. "And I will show you to the dungeon. I mean, your room." She turned and started walking. While walking, Twilight took the opportunity to educate this peasant. "So, a few guidelines. First and foremost, you do not take Celestia's name in vain around here. If you do, I will crucify you. I fucking mean it." Spike appeared from nowhere and quickly interjected. "She means it. Believe me. Run." Then disappeared.
"Second, breakfast is served at the crack of dawn. If you aren't up by then, you starve. Third, and lastly, I get to cuddle you whenever I feel like it."
Anon stopped dead in his tracks. "Cuddle? Whenever? That violates the eighth Hoofmendment, which clearly states no cruel and unusual punishment may be inflicted at any time!"
Twilight stopped as well, and turned to face Anon. "No it doesn't. Are you that much of an Opal to cuddle?"
"But it's whenever you want. That means while I sleep, shower, you know, PERSONAL things where I need alone time!" Anon thought if he involved a lot of hoof movement, his point would be stressed. He instead looked like he had a muscle disorder.
"...You're too smart. Damn." Smoke came out of Twilight's nostrils as she snorted heavily. "Fine. I'll ask before cuddling. Deal?"
A lot of shaking from Anon's head. "Nope. No cuddling at all! AT ALL!"
"Then you have nowhere to sleep. I can show you to the door." A hoof pointing in the direction they just came from.
"But. I. Really? Twilight! REALLY?! Why the cuddling?"
"For insulting me earlier." It was stated oh so matter-of-factly.
Anon, as opposed as he was, well... He just needed somewhere to stay.
"Fine." With great reluctance, he signed his life away to the crazy princess in front of him.
"Good. So here's your room." One of her wings extended to point to one door out of... a lot. "If you need directions, just ask Spike."
"Um, Twilight? What if Spike is asleep?"
"Wake him up. He doesn't mind."
Spike once again appeared. "I kind of do mind." He was promptly covered in an aura and thrown against a wall. "Actually, I redact that. Any time works for me."
Since Anon could easily get lost, one question was in order. "Um, closest bathroom from here?"
"Just exit and turn right. Third door on the left." Twilight used her hooves to demonstrate the directions while she spoke. "Any other stupid questions?"
"That's it for now. Thank you!" Anon opened the door and went in. Once he opened the door, he immediately looked through a window and saw the sun was setting. Well, a lot has happened, so it makes sense that time would pass fairly fast. The source of amazing pleasure rested to his left, a comforting mattress and blanket waiting for him.
"Well, time to crash!"
He jumped into bed, and was asleep in less than 20% of a second.
*** The next morning ***
"Third door on the left. Third door. Here we go!"
Anon woke up at the crack of dawn, as specified by Twilight. He didn't want to be a starving son of a mare, so he was a good boy. Or colt. He grabbed the doorknob and pushed in. The door opened slightly. Then more. That was all he needed to see the result of his mistake: not knocking.
There was a beautiful mare. Her coat was a light shade of purple, whereas her mane and tail were pure purple. There was a cute teal stripe running through them. A horn rested atop her head. He couldn't quite see her cutie mark; Anon was curious what it was, but all he saw was purple eyes.
Purple eyes filled with panic, fury, embarrassment, and other emotions.
The silence was thick. Thicker than a thicc mare. As Anon's eyes met this pony's, neither dared to say anything. Instead, they listened to the sound of silence.
Hello, darkness, my old friend.
"OK, give me one reason to not kill you." The mare's voice was a soothing, seething, angery sound.
"Let me think... I got nothing. Kill me!" Anon stood on his hind legs and reached his front legs out to his sides as far as he could. He resembled a pony he saw in a book. Penis Christ? Something like that.
"...You're supposed to get on your knees and beg for life. Why aren't you doing that?" The mare was confused, understandably so. After running a village where everypony must be controlled, she became used to a dictator-like mindset. Since becoming friends with Twilight, that mindset had gone away, and only kind of surfaced.
Now, it was in plain sight.
"Well, Twilight would send you to prison for murder."
"Heh. Twilight's my marefriend. She won't send me anywhere except the bedroom!"
Anon's eyes widened, and a hoof flew to his chin. "Wait. Marefriend? You're gay?"
"Yeah. Got a problem with that?"
Anon reached around the mare to give her a hug. "NOPE! One less mare to chase me around! Thank you, Celestia!"
The mare gave a smirk that Anon couldn't see. "Actually, I'm bisexual. So watch your back, sexy."
"Damn you, Celestia!" Anon muttered to himself.
Twilight appeared right in the doorway. "WHO DARES SPEAKETH MY MENTOR'S NAME IN VAIN?!" Her hair was replaced with fire at this point.
The mare lifted a hoof towards Anon, speaking while doing so. "Twilight told you rule number one, right?"
"ANON!" A bar of soap appeared out of nowhere and found itself in his mouth. "CHEW! CHEW! SWALLOW! MMM! YUMMY, ISN'T IT?!" Of course, whether he wanted to chew or not, the magic around his mouth made sure he did. "ENJOY THE SOAP, YOU FILTHY PLEBEIAN! FUCKING DIE!" Once Anon regained control of his mouth, he did the only logical thing. Cough his lungs out.
"Twilight, please calm down. I didn't mean it! It was a slip of the tongue."
A knife appeared and was pointed straight at Anon's muzzle. Twilight smiled like a maniac. "Should we fix that? Hey, if it slipped, that means the tongue is a hazard to you AND other ponies. Best be taken care of..."
"...I need an adult." Anon went behind the mare in the bathroom and went into the fetal position. As macho as he was, he knew not to mess with a yandere's object of desire.
Twilight teleported behind the mare, right next to Anon, knife in hand- hoof- magic. Yeah. "I am an adult," She whispered in a maniacal tone. "Hell, I'm a DAMN PRINCESS! I SUPERSEDE AN ADULT!"
Anon screamed, jumped, and ran. Right into the mare's plump butt. No complaints there. Was that lavender he smelt for a moment?
"BAKA!" She screamed, then gave a sigh. Despite everything that happened so far, the mare knew that Twilight had gone far enough. As much fun as seeing Twilight dismember another pony would be, today wouldn't be an ideal day for it. She could deal with Anon later, but one problem at a time.
"Twilight, I'll make sure Anon doesn't say it again. He's learned his lesson."
Twilight stared at Anon. And stared at the mare.
"Fine. But I trust you, Starlight. If he does it again, I'm coming for you."
"You already came for me that one time. In your royal bed." A smirk crossed Starlight's muzzle.
"DETAILS! WE SWORE TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!" With a blush and a flash, Twilight was gone in an instant. All that was left were the two ponies. Awkward.
"...Starlight, is it?" As much as Anon loved staring, talking would get somewhere better.
"Yup. Twilight's student in friendship. Or, 'protege'." She used her hoof for air quotes. "Anon, right?"
"Yup. Thanks for saving me. Anyways, I'm so sorry for intruding on you. I didn't know anypony would be in here. Twilight failed to mention you yesterday."
Starlight sighed. "Typical. Forget to mention me. Not like I do much, just keep this castle from descending into Tartarus..."
"How long have you been here?"
"Going on three seasons. You?"
"This is chapter 10, so... a bit."
"Cool. Well, nice meeting you, albeit in a weird way."
"Same."
Starlight and Anon shuffled awkwardly, Anon moving to leave the bathroom. "Um. Just let me get through here... Wait. Ugh. Come on!"
Success!
Anon was, once again, outside of the bathroom, Starlight still inside.
"See you again," Anon said in farewell.
"Yup."
Anon started walking, then... "Um, where's the kitchen at?"
"I'll lead you there." She started walking, Anon once again following somepony and sneaking a peek.
Twilight suddenly appeared, making Anon jump. Before anything could be said or done, she wrapped a hoof around him and nuzzled him. "Remember. Cuddle at any time!"
"UGH! You said you would ask first!" Anon was exasperated enough from the earlier experience that happened a few minutes ago.
"I'm a princess, remember?!" Then Twilight was gone. Even though it would make sense to teleport Anon to the kitchen, which is where she was heading, she left him behind. She supposedly was smart, right?
"Come on, Anon! Catch up!"
"I'm coming!" Having fallen a bit behind due to Twilight's attack, Anon made sure to trot.
As Anon and Starlight walked into the kitchen, the smell of food filled Anon's nostrils. He smelled... pancakes! Tha's always a good choice. Then he saw a literal mountain of pancakes. There must have been at least 100 pancakes stacked like a pyramid.
"Does Twilight like pancakes, or what?" Anon muttered.
"Yes, I do!" Twilight leaned her head from the back of the stack. "They're the only thing I know how to make!"
"Anon, the less you ask, the better." Again, the dictator creeped back into Starlight's voice. "Just take a seat."
The grumble of Anon's stomach reminded him to not bitch, just eat. Eat... how many damn pancakes? There were just too many. Was there at least maple syrup?
"Is there at least maple syrup? SHIT!" After asking the question, a bottle of syrup launched itself right at his muzzle. "OW!" A hoof flew to try and rub the pain away, and the other went to the syrup. However, it flew away from Anon's hoof, directly above him, opened itself up, and poured itself all over him. "WHAT!"
Sticky. The first thing he thought of was how sticky he would be, literally covered top to bottom in the liquid. It didn't help that the other ponies in the room were laughing their asses off. "Ew. TWILIGHT!" He looked at accused pony, who had a small smile on her face. "WHY?"
"You took our ruler's name in vain. Have fun eating pancakes!" Before trotting off to do nothing, Twilight flew another bottle of syrup to Starlight. "Don't share it with him."
"Got it."
Then Twilight was out of the room, leaving an Anon covered in sticky fluids and Starlight munching on pancakes. Anon eyed the syrup, but reluctantly took a bite of a pancake. It was... crunchy. A bit burnt. After that pitiful swallow, it didn't take long for him to ask.
"Please?"
"Absolutely not."
"Can you at least get this syrup off of me?" Anon looked at the embarrassing state, still covered.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because." Starlight's eyes looked angery.
"Why are you salty? Be sweet."
"Because you intruded on me earlier."
"I said I was sorry!"
"I heard no such thing."
"Yes, you did."
"No. Didn't I mention I'm hard of hearing?"
"You hear me just fine! Why are you doing this to me? Last thing I need today is this."
"I feel like messing with you."
Anon crossed his forelegs. Since he got used to feeling sticky, the movement of his limbs didn't bother him. If she would mess with him, well, he had to strike back. "Starlight, I've got a question." She turned to face him, ready for what he would ask. Little did she know...
"Is your pussy as dry as these pancakes?"
Starlight's jaw fell open. It seemed like anger, shock, and embarrassment all took over Starlight at the same time, leaving her open for the syrup to be stolen by a quick Anon. "I... How dare you."
*WHACK*
Out of nowhere appeared a newspaper, rolled up and ready to whack ponies. It was surrounded by a green aura, and the one controlling it was eager to use it.
"I will beat you into oblivion. Not even Starswirl the Bearded could fix you after this."
After many whacks and screams from a soprano, Anon walked right up to Starlight. "You hit like a mare." Then Anon whacked her with his hoof. Starlight flew across the room, muzzle already broken and bleeding.
"OW! Twi-" Before Starlight could say her lover's name, Anon covered her mouth with his hoof.
"Ok, overpowered bitch. What is up your ass that makes you so pissed off today?"
After removing his hoof with her magic, Starlight flew Anon across the room like he did to her. "I will fuck you up so badly, no mare will ever look at you again."
"Oh, that's a relief. I thought you wanted to fuck me so badly. Not today, bubble butt." The smirk on Anon's face only pissed her off that much more. Starlight looked quickly at her butt. It wasn't that big... was it? But the longer she stared at it... Wait. There's an advantage here!
"...Since you love my butt so much, why don't you look at it closer? In fact, you know what vore is?"
The following sound played both in Anon's mind and from his throat.
He ran away from Starlight, out of the room, and to anywhere away from the... demon doesn't even begin to describe her. What do you call a pony that goes beyond the worst word available? Super bitch? But Anon could contemplate word choice later; his life was in danger and on the line! And that danger appeared right in front of him with a flash. Oh right. Unicorns can teleport. Damn.
"Come on, Anon! I won't bite! Just swallow you up!" Her voice now seemed possessed like one of those G Major memes. At the word "swallow", adrenaline filled Anon's veins to run even faster, even further. His breath was coming in short and frequent gasps. His mind could only form one word.
"Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!" The image you have in your mind now changed to a Pac-Man screen, with Anon's face replacing Pac-Man's, and Starlight following close behind. Instead of "Waka Waka Waka", imagine "Nope! Nope! Nope!" Total fourth-wall break, but I don't care.
After gaining enough of a space ahead of Starlight, Anon opened a random door, then ran in and closed it. He could feel a small space, barely big enough for him to fit. However, if it kept him safe, he would take it. "Finally." He sighed heavily.
"Come out of the closet! It's no secret you're in there!"
He also screamed heavily. Then he opened the door, and ran heavily. "Starlight, what do you want?!" Then something strange happened. His legs moved, muscles contracted and relaxed, but he wasn't moving. Then a tug on his tail forced him to turn his head around. The tug was because Starlight had his tail.
"I want some of this tail. And to have some fun."
And no matter how much Anon screamed, or how loudly, or how much he tried to resist, his body was dragged to Starlight. She held him upside-down by the tail, their faces looking at each other. After a few seconds, Anon was dropped, and Starlight chuckled.
"Thanks for the fun. I was really bored today!"
Anon slowly got up to stand, and his mind was putting pieces together. "Wait, bitch. You scared me, unnerved me, and now I hate you. HATE. You. Because you were bored? You are a bitch of another degree!"
Starlight raised an eyebrow. Her face seemed to mock offense. "And what shall you do against an 'overpowered bitch'?" Her horn glowed slightly to seal her point. "Thanks to you, breakfast is ruined." With a flash, they were back in the kitchen. "See?"
"But. I..."
"Enough about me. What kind of music do you like?" The cheeriness in Starlight's voice definitely was not there before.
"Starlight. What's wrong with you? Are you bipolar or something?"
Spike walked in at that moment. "She probably hasn't been cuddled yet. She gets REALLY moody without daily cuddling." He poured himself a cup of coffee before turning to walk out. "Believe me, I've been in your spot before, bud. Good luck."
"...What has today turned into?!" Anon sat on his haunches and put both front hooves on his head. This shit just couldn't make sense to him, no matter how it was put! However, his eyes saw Starlight staring at him. Was that hope in her eyes? Hope... Rhymes with NOPE! "No. Starlight, get that thought out of your mind. Starlight." He sounded like he was scolding a foal. However, as she started walking towards him, he tried walking back. Idiot. He forgot he was on his haunches, so he just fell on his back. "OOF! Starlight. Don't!" But his words fell on deaf ears as he was grabbed by Starlight's magic, then her hooves. "Starlight!"
As she nuzzled his neck, Anon reluctantly put his right hoof around her neck. "...You're weird." Her cuddling just became more forceful, and she moved her neck back, with Anon's hoof still around her. It was at this moment that Anon knew.
He fucked up.
See, by cuddling Starlight, his muscles were extended in his right hoof. What does that mean? Well, remember the massage?
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
That pulled muscle never quite healed.
If Anon's form on the floor was any indication, it hurt to even walk. To even put his hoof in front of him to get up and stand would be a chore. He was in agony, but still tried to do deep breaths. "It. It hurts. Starlight." At least his neck was well enough to look at her. "Can you please, pretty fucking please, get me to the hospital?"
A green aura covered Anon's foreleg. "Oh, don't worry. I've fixed many broken bones back in my hayday!"
"It's not a bone. It's a pulled muscle."
"Then why not push it back into place?"
"STARLIGHT! Now is NOT the time for jokes! If you get me to the hospital, I owe you one! Deal?"
As soon as he said that, Starlight's smile turned into an evil grin. First gear in her mind went into fifth gear, and even faster than that. "What would you do for me? I like to make sure the favors I am owed are... worthwhile."
"...How does a hoof massage sound?"
"I like the sound of that. But that's not enough."
"A full body massage?"
"I do like massages, but I prefer cuddling."
"How about cuddling right after a massage?"
"...That sounds nice. Now. How about a magic trick?"
Then Anon saw the inside of Twilight's castle change into a wooden roof and wall. 'Hospital. Not too shabby, Star.' "Thanks." But his thanks was overshadowed by the receptionist asking, "Ok, what's going on here?"
Anon wasted no time. "I pulled a muscle earlier, and I think it just now tore completely. I need help ASAP!" While he spoke, Starlight still tried to nuzzle him. He tried pushing away with his good hoof, but to no success. "Starlight. Not the time. Stop!"
The receptionist regarded them with confusion. "Um, can you not, Starlight? I know you like cuddling, but he's right. Stop it now!" A thwack of a clipboard and short yelp later, and Anon was being levitated to a room. "This one's open. Put him on the bed." After making sure he was on the mattress, the mare started walking out and said, "The nurse will be in shortly."
"Thank you." Anon situated himself. The mattress was a bit too firm for him, but these beds weren't made for comfort. They were made for torture, or walking, or something like that. Speaking of torture, Starlight was still there.
"I owe you that favor when I get better."
"No time like the present!" Then Starlight got on the bed, and got comfortable. Even if the mattress wasn't comfortable, Anon was a good body pillow. A body pillow that struggled, but was warm. The trade-off was worth it!
The nurse walked in. "Ok, Anonymous. Starlight, unhoof that pony right now. Go away!"
Not even a second after the last chapter ended, Starlight was already forced away from her cuddle buddy! "But I need cuddles!" Her face contorted into the proper position for a pout. Nopony would dare to tear her away now.
But one doesn't simply mess around in an emergency. The nurse grabbed Starlight off and set her on the ground. "Cuddles, puddles. You'll be fine. Bye, Felicia!" Starlight grumbled as she was escorted to the door. Knowing the nurse would stop her precious cuddles if she persisted, it was easier to walk out of her own choice. After the door closed, the nurse turned to Anonymous.
"So, you pulled a muscle, huh? Happens to even the best of us." A slight chuckle. At least the mare was trying to be cool and relaxed. "I'm Nurse Redheart." With the slightly red mane and tail, cutie mark, white coat, and beautiful eyes, the name certainly fit the pony.
"Well, you already know my name. So what's going on?" Anon, as much as he would like to look at this beauty more, wanted results.
"We are just going to find out exactly what muscle was pulled, and how severely." Then, the weirdest thing happened. "On this doll, please indicate where it is sore."
Anon raised his eyebrows. This seemed... unconventional? Let's go with that word. He indicated where the shoulder blade was, or roughly where it was. "Shoulder blade area."
"Shoulder blade." Redheart muttered as she wrote it down on a checklist. "Okay. Mobility test. How far in front of you can you stretch?"
Anon got ready to try, and it already hurt. He gritted his teeth and inhaled sharply at the pain. "I can't even try to stretch."
"How about downwards, towards your rear?"
That, again, seemed questionable. What nurse would... Fuck it. He did as told, not as much pain this time, but still present. "I can do that with some pain, but it's doable."
"How about lower than that?"
"Nurse? I just said-"
"Lower."
"Nurse?"
"Just kidding!" The blush on Redheart's face seemed to say otherwise, but her voice sounded genuine enough. Anyhow, there was no time for contemplation, as they tried all other directions. Even different positions.
After the mobility test, Redheart resumed. "Got that down. Now... Anonymous, I noticed that you seem tired. How have you been sleeping?"
"I went one month of getting three hours a night. So, shit sleep for quite a bit."
Redheart's eyes widened a bit. "One month of that? What exactly were you doing?"
Anon waved his good hoof almost dismissively. "Just designing and building an extra room to the Royal Castle."
"But... You never had a break in that month? No day off to sleep in?" At this point, Redheart had sat on her haunches. It seemed like she was more interested in talking than the test, but it was for science, the talking was! I swear!
"No. It was every single day. No time could be wasted."
"What about diet?"
"Nurse, I slept for three hours every night, worked for ten hours, got an hour for food, then ten more hours. It was hard enough to fit showering into the schedule, but I made it all work."
"You dodged the question. What was your diet during that time?"
"...Two, three slices of bread. Four if I was feeling adventurous."
"And what kind of work were you doing on the Royal Castle? Did you actually work, or just supervise, or what?"
"Oh yeah. I was part of the physical labor, as well as mental."
"So let me get this straight." Nurse Redheart stood up, her face contorted in worry as she stared at the clipboard in her hoof. "You slept three hours a night, pushed your body to limits without ANY proper nutrition, and overall took bad care of yourself? For what reason?" Now, she seemed concerned not as a nurse, but... a compassionate pony.
"Yeah, that's exactly it. But I got the payday to beat all paydays!" Anon could feel the pride swell in his body. He worked hard, and got the result he wanted and was promised: loads of bits! What was more fulfilling than earning a reward?
"Anonymous, you are really dumb. For real. Are you that short-sighted?" Redheart facehoofed, then took in a deep breath. "Now you can't work for months because of your injury, so it isn't really worth it, is it?"
"It was all outlined in the contract what had to be done, and I agreed to it. Simple as that. Injuries and all. And now I got promoted to a head supervisor, so I CAN still work, thank you very much."
"...That's good, then. But my point still stands."
"I get it, Nurse. I should have treated myself better so this didn't happen."
"So, I have to figure out this stuff. I'll be back soon." Redheart turned and headed out of the room.
"OK." And with that, the door closed. To fill the void, Anon started talking.
"I m not sure what they don't get. I worked at heights where if I fell, I could've died. I handled equipment that could burn me, dissolve me, melt half of my face. A pulled muscle sucks, but there was A LOT more risk that I surrounded myself with. Compared to everything, this is minute."
And that's when Redheart chose to walk in. "All right, Anon. I figured out a rough plan. So good news first, you can recover. It doesn't seem to be torn, just really pulled. So that's a relief."
"There's bad news, though, right?"
Her face fell a bit. "It will take a matter of months. About three. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but it just depends."
"Three months." Anon chuckled, but there wasn't too much humor behind it. "So what's the plan, Nurse?"
"Considering your physical state, you need to catch up on sleep. So you'll stay here about a week, possibly two, just depends on how much time you spend actually sleeping. As you may or may not know, sleep is when everything actually heals."
"I knew that."
"Good for you. Then you can leave here, and at that point, you can walk. JUST walk. If you try trotting, running, sprinting, or anything faster than walking, the risk of tearing it is almost guaranteed. Even basic stretching puts it at a risk, like reaching for something that isn't within five hooves of you. So your best bet is to stay with other ponies if possible to help lighten the load and help you out. I know Rarity is quite generous, so your best bet might be with her. Just saying."
"And how long would I be useless for?"
"After about a few weeks, it should be healed up enough to do basic stretches and maybe even more. Again, just depends on how much time you spend healing. Then just take it easy and don't push yourself until the three month mark, come back here, and we'll evaluate you."
"That's all?"
"Yup." Redheart looked up, and noticed something. "Though, you look like you want some time alone right now."
"I would prefer that, yes."
"I'll leave you to it." Once the door closed this time, it was for a longer time.
'Two weeks of looking at a wall and contemplating my existence? That sounds so great! Where the fuck do I sign up?! ...And I have a damn house to build. I still have to clear the rubble. Foundation is probably fine, which is good. That's the hardest part to do. Still doesn't change the fact that this shit will delay me. Damn Starlight. Damn cuddles. Damn it all. Now I'm good as useless. And staying with other ponies? As much as I don't want to, the undue stress if I DON'T have help would be more severe. So it's either stress on my muscle or my mind. And do I really want to deal with... 'them'? Those freaking ponies? Even if I don't want to, do I NEED to?'
"Fuck!" A thud resounded off of the walls. The dent in the mattress didn't seem like it would be going away any time soon. Neither did the pain in Anon's good hoof, but at least he didn't pull muscles on that side.
The door also thudded against the wall. "Are you alright?! What happened?" Nurse Redheart's eyes went straight to Anon.
"Um... It's nothing."
That answer obviously was bullshit. Unfortunately, Redheart picked up on that. "That was too loud to be nothing." She started walking towards the bed, and concern showed on her face. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Just pissed off. I had to get it out. I'm fine now."
If her eyes were any indication, she saw the mattress and dent. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I just did. Again, I'm fine."
"Ok. Just let me know if you need anything." The concern was replaced with reluctance. It seemed she didn't want to leave, but there were other things to attend to.
"Thanks." And a few seconds later, he was alone again.
'Huh. That happened. But she came in quickly. Like... She was right outside. Was she? Did she ever move away from the door? I got a little stalker, it seems. Huh. I mean, she could have been passing by at that moment. I don't know. It's just funny to think that thought.'
"And how much have I talked aloud?" Apparently, Anon had started talking without noticing. Embarrassment flooded him; how much WAS said aloud? Who heard what? "OK, I need to shut up. I need something to do." He had a thought, and oh was it devious. "Hey, Nurse?"
"Yes, Anon?" Again, quick response time. Anon just couldn't shake it off that something was up. After this, though, he would be alone, for sure.
"Could you get a gramophone and record in here? I'm already losing my mind."
"Absolutely. I'm sure the others would love to hear some music. I'll get the gramophone first."
After a minute or so, she came back with said device. "And what record were you thinking of?"
"'Labyrinth' by Fleshhoof Apocalypse."
The name threw Redheart off, and she tilted her head. "I've never heard of them."
"They're pretty good. I love them."
"If you say so."
Again, she left came back with said record and set the arm on it to start playing. "Anything else?"
"That will be all. Thanks, Red." Anon wasn't wrong in calling her "Red"; there was a slight blush on her cheeks as she left. Probably from the nickname.
As the intro to "Hoofborn" began, with the breathing, rain, and wind all entrancing listeners in, Anon relaxed. Not only was this record a favorite of his, but for the other ponies... this would not end well.
Then everything kicked in, and from there... it was chaos so delightful, Discord would have come in many ways and many places.
For a period of time, the patients of Ponyville hospital were so terrified, any of them with constipation were instantly cured. Why, one might ask? Well, it might have to do with the blast beat drums, drop-tuned guitars, and vocals straight from Tartarus. One such passage of lyrics delivered in the disgusting style included...
"It wouldn't be a problem to initiate the process of elimination of a planet and the fucking hypocrites it breeds!" *
And even with the loud cacophony going on, Anon was sleeping. It seemed like he was dead to the world, and his mouth was curled in a small grin. Not only was he happy to catch up on much-needed sleep, but he trolled the entire hospital while doing so! It's a perfect plan!
It was good that somepony was happy, because nopony else was.
Anon's body twitched before his mouth opened in a yawn. His good hooves stretched out, and he could feel the blood beginning to course through his body to wake up. "Mmm..." Days like this were good to wake up to.
"Are you done with that fucking music?!"
"NOPE!" He yelled, cheery as ever.
Yup, VERY good to wake up to.
Even though a curtain separated Anon and his "roommate", they had been going back and forth since the first record was put on about a week ago. After "Labyrinth", the constant bickering started and had no end in sight. Redheart, while having her own opinions and all that fun shit, had obliged to put on, and even seemed to tolerate, the music. During some breakdowns, Anon swore she was lightly bobbing her head to the beat. She handled it better than the pussy next door.
"Put something else on! Anything other than this shit!"
"I DID! 'WINGS OF SATURN' WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH?!"
"No! Not good!"
"Anon, how are you feeling?" Speaking of Redheart, she appeared next to the bedside.
"I'm fantastic!"
Redheart chuckled. "Are you fantastic enough for a mobility test to see how you're doing?"
"Sure."
After stretching his leg in different directions to differing levels of comfort, Redheart looked at her paper with the numbers. "Well, overall, you show a 666% improvement rate."
"That doesn't sound right."
"Oh. It's 66%. Basically, you're good to leave."
"Really?" Anon felt a bit sad. Who would he argue with once a day? There was something going on with the mystery pony beyond the curtain! Even still, he steeled his resolve and started to move, inching to the edge. "Shit. And here, I've had the best sleep in a while! But duty calls!" If Anon paid attention to where he was instead of talking, what happened next could have been avoided.
He fell out of the bed, and simultaneously, Redheart reached her hoof out to try and... somehow help. The ultimate result was Anon laying in a heap on the ground, with one of Redheart's hoofs outstretched, touching his no-no spot. There was a moment of silence.
"I guess BOOTY calls, huh?" Why would Redheart make such a bad joke at an awkward time? Eh. Plot convenience.
One of Anon's back legs shot out and hit Redheart's schnoz, even from his position on the ground. Good thing they were already at the hospital; Redheart needed a triple bypass surgery! ...Actually, something like nose plugs might work after setting the bones back into place. But with her slumped form against the wall, she wouldn't be going anywhere soon.
'It's ironic, huh? Head medical pony injured at hospital. Oh, was that a squirrel?!' Not giving much of a fuck, Anon left the room, leaving his previous life, and the record, behind.
***
"So where's my massage?"
Right after exiting the doors, and finally feeling the grass and wind after so long, Anon's reprieve didn't last long. He felt ready to murder this thing called Starlight.
"Starlight, if you learn a little thing called patience, I will give you a damn massage!" He was angery. "Now please, leave me alone, baka!"
Now Starlight was not a linguistic expert, but she knew a thing or two. It was enough to know Anon was tsundere enough to call her a baka. She nuzzled into Anon's side. "Anon, you'd better come with me back to Twilight's castle and fulfill your destiny. If you want to live, that is."
"And again, I literally walked out of the hospital doors. Just shut up!"
*POP*
***
Where Anon saw the open space of Ponyville was now crystal. That probably meant...
"...We're in your room, right, Starlight?"
"Yup!"
Anon looked to his right and already saw Starlight on her bed. No, not a bed, a massage table. Her bed was right next to it, though. She was face-down, stomach down. "I'm waiting~." The sing-song in her voice was like a yodel. Anon sighed. Just when life seemed to be looking up, it turned upside-down. But it was a simple enough massage, and where there's smoke, there's firecracker!
The two wooden spoons in his hooves literally appeared from nowhere. Anon agreed to give a massage; nowhere was it said it had to be a good massage. He stood on his hind legs, and firmly grasped them. But, as Anon had a trick up his keister, so did Starlight. And when contact was established...
"OH ANON! It feels so good! I need it! More!"
...Starlight's plan was revealed.
***
After about five minutes of what would be the most awkward massage given in history EVER, Anon walked out of Starlight's room. She was asleep on her bed, gripping her pillow as though it were Anon. Yes, Anon remembered the second part of the deal, so he cuddled Starlight for a bit. No, he didn't like it, what are you insinuating?! But alas, Celestia was throwing curve balls to Anon right now. Outside of the room was Twilight. One of her eyes twitched.
"So, 'Daddy', you think you have better stamina than me?! Better technique?! No one does it to Starlight like I do!"
"Twilight, what in bloody Tartarus is going on?"
"I heard everything. Mm-hmm, yes, EVERY SINGLE thing!"
What is that one saying? From the frying pan into the fire? Anon just jumped into a death trap.
"*Ahem.* Twilight? Please, let me explain my side of the story."
"Yes, enlighten me!"
His rear end plopped on the ground like a badly flipped omelette, and Anon was ready to set things straighter than a circle.
"*inhale* Boi. Starlight is thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, but I don't mess with a mare's mare. You dig?"
"Legit, fam." Twilight had acquired a blunt during Anon's speech, and was ready to be as such. "But Starlight, see, she's like family. Only I can mess with her in that way."
"What? Are you two from Appleloosa?"
*Snap!*
Twilight's head snapped so fast, her disks in her neck cracked.
"...You have five seconds to rectify that statement, or face divine punishment."
"..."
"..."
"...Where did ya come from, where did ya go? Where did ya come from, Cotton-Eye Joe?"
And for the next part, Anon didn't leave as much as he was teleported out, never to return to Twilight's castle.
***
"Well, hopefully, I can get my bed out of this rubble..."
Anon stood at where his old house was, now trash. The only good thing was the bed was indeed intact. The bad thing? Everything else, didn't you notice the word "ONLY"? He raised a hoof to cover his mouth as he coughed.
"Ah, shizzle. I have to hit up my fam from another lamb to get some ham to open this clam."
Little did Anon know, he had no fam to help him out. And that clam was better off unopened, if ya know what I mean.
While looking through the rubble, Anon came across a peculiar surprise.
"Roses."
Indeed, they were roses. But not just any roses.
"Never mind that, Narrator. Who the hell would leave roses in front of a pile of rubbish?"
Hell if I know. I just woke up. Now shut up, and I might answer your question.
"Please. I'm confused."
I'm writing you that way, so of course you are. Play along.
"Fine... But the roses are alive. Like, freshly harvested."
Indeed-
"I'm not looking for a job, so please stop saying indeed!"
...Puns are my thing, you asshole. You know what? You did this to yourself.
Anon.aware4thWall(false);
And compiled. Ok. Anyways, there were some ponies who knew things about flowers in Ponyville. Maybe they could lend a hoof?
"I could have sworn I was talking to someone else. Or something else. "
***
"Excuse me, I'm looking for Rose." Anon had the roses on his back, the thorns digging deep. Only an inch or so deep, but IT HURT! He was talking to a random pony with a keg of apple cider next to her.
"I'm sorry *HIC*"
The fire in his eyes appeared. "You just call me a hick? Do you WANT to die?!"
"Wha? I'm just drunk. I didn't call anypony a hick."
"But the onomatopoeia..."
"The unomanot... ???"
Anon facehoofed. "Anyways, Rose. I'm looking for the Flower Ponies."
"Rose? You have them on your back. Just move them into your arms, and they're all yours..." Berry Punch hugged her keg with much affection, such love, that Anon facegrounded. Who was stealing my jokes? Wait, his jokes. But Berry Punch would be of no help in her drunken state. Anon walked away, and almost into another pony.
"Very sorry. Hey, I'm looking for Rose."
"Yes, I'm Rose." Said pony had a tan coat, striped mane with pink and red, green eyes, and a you-know-it on her you-know-what.
"Beautiful."
"Thanks."
"So, would you know anypony who bought these painful roses on my back recently?"
"HM..." Rose stepped to his side to look at the petals closer. "6 flowers, pink-red, hm... I think Fluttershy bought these earlier. A few days ago."
"Awesome."
"I know I am."
"Stop. Can you tell me where Fluttershy is?"
"I'm not too sure, but if you're willing to be Jack, I'll be your Rose."
And the universe exploded. Just kidding. It was an aneurysm from stupidity. "...Why? Just. EH?!"
So Anon was broken for a bit, and he did the only thing he could think of. He walked to a building, right up to the door, and banged his head on the wood.
*BANG*
"I'm done hearing about the church. LEAVE!" Hold up. That soprano voice? The smell of sweets? No...
"Pinkie?" Anon called out with immense trepidation.
"Wait." The door was still Anon's resting spot, so when he heard the knob turn and the door hinge creak, the only logical thing happened.
"Oh HI Anon! Wait, why are you falling, you're falling right onto me, OH MY CELESTIA!"
After the typical falling and stuff, Anon started to get up. Pinkie was right below him, with evil smiles and evil, devious eyebrows.
"I didn't know you would FALL for me..."
"Do you want your damn muzzle broken again?!"
"NO! Please no!"
"Hey, Pinks, you still..."
A raspy voice filled the room, and no one else sounded like that except...
"RAINBOW!"
"It's cool, just let me know when you're done."
Then thunder filled the air. But there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
"Was that a Sonic Rainboom?"
"Yeah, she tends to do that."
"OK. Anyhow, I need help finding where Fluttershy lives."
"Why? Do you want to return the roses she got for you?! THAT'S MEAN!"
He stopped. Everything stopped. "Pinkie, shut up. You mean to tell me Fluttershy gave me roses?"
"Well, YEAH! That's what happens on days like this one!"
"Like what one?"
"Do YOU SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW WHAT TODAY IS?!"
"Um, yesterday was Wednesday, so Thursday?"
*FACEHOOF* "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, YOU UNCULTURED SWINE! LEAVE THIS PLACE!"
Before anyone knew it, Pinkie had pushed Anon outside, and locked the door with a few deadlocks.
"What? Eh, Twilight can hopefully help me out."
***
"How can the Great and Powerful Trixie and her assistant, the Weak and Meek Twilight, help you?"
A blue unicorn answered the door. Tailing her was Twilight.
"What do you want, Anon?!" A purple beam shot right past his face.
"HEY! What's with the hostility? I just need directions to Fluttershy's place!"
"Oh, to give her those roses on your back? Look at you, Mr. Sexy." Twilight levitated Trixie out of the way, where Starlight discreetly grabbed and ran off with her. They were both smiling deviously.
"So, Mr. Great with the Mares... WHERE ARE MY ROSES?!"
Twilight's aura started tugging slightly on Anon. "Anon, please, come with me."
"No."
She started tugging a little bit harder. "Anon, please, come on me."
"Ew."
She was pulling with all of her might. "Anon, please, please, PLEASE!"
"Isn't Starlight your lover?"
The aura disappeared, and Twilight got on her knees, pulling at Anon with her hooves. "I NEED SOMETHING MORE! SOMETHING FILLING! PLEASE!"
"WHAT?!" That got the attention to focus on... Starlight. And boy, her horn was a-glowing. "I come down to get candles, and I HEAR YOU SAY THAT. REALLY?!"
"Starlight!"
But to be anti-climatic, she merely teleported with a few candles. Sad.
"Thanks for ruining my relationship with my lover, Anon..."
"SERIOUSLY!"
"I just need some alone time..."
"Bye!"
Anon ran off, not really knowing where to go, but just getting away from this train wreck.
***
"Howdy, partner. What brings you here?"
"I need directions to where Fluttershy lives."
"Well, that's easy. Ya come over to this here bridge with this old stallion here."
"WHAT! IS YOUR NAME?"
"Applejack."
"WHAT! IS YOUR QUEST?"
"To help Anon."
"WHAT! IS THE CAPITAL OF EQUESTRIA?"
Applejack began to breathe in, but stopped. "I DON'T KNOW THAT!"
She flew up in the air, screaming as she was heading straight into the apple orchard somewhere.
"WHAT! IS YOUR NAME?"
"Anonymous."
"WHAT! IS YOUR QUEST?"
"To find answers."
"WHAT! IS THE QUESTION APPLEJACK FAILED TO ANSWER?"
"'What is the capital of Equestria?'."
"That's right, 500 points to you. Now, next category in Double Jeopardy."
"I'll take 'My Past is not Today' for 1,000."
"Big bucks. (Heh) Okay, here is the clue. 'This episode displays Twilight at her worst and most dangerous. We never talk about it anymore.'"
"What is 'Lesson Zero'?"
"Right you are. Cross this bridge, and you shall find Fluttershy's place."
"Righteous."
***
The travel was getting to be long and boring. To pass some time, Anon hummed a song. "Life is a runway when you see it my way... OH SHIT!"
Having been distracted, he failed to see a broken board and fell right through.
"AHHHHHHHH..."
*BOOM* *SHATTER*
"Ow..."
"Who goes there?!"
Oh no. That proper accent. No.
"Anon! It's been a while! How have you been?"
"On hiatus. How have you been, Rarity?"
"Wonderful. Business is great as usual."
One didn't have to be an Applejack to know the smile was fake. Also, her mascara was running from her eyes, so it was obvious that she was not fine.
"What's up, Rarity? You were crying."
'Were' became 'are', as Rarity started bawling right there on the spot. Her fainting couch appeared, and she climbed onto it, then continued crying. There was also ice cream.
"I have nopony for today!"
"Why do you have nopony?"
"I have no idea. I should have stallions lined up for me! Oh?"
Again, like how Applejack's hat barely leaves her head, Anon's roses were still stuck in his back. That happened on the bridge, don't worry.
"Are those for me, Anon? OH, YOU'RE SO SWEET!" Rarity teleported Anon to the couch, and glomped him.
"Sweeter than that ice cream?"
"Stay in the moment, Anon!"
The moment turned from a few seconds, to fifteen, to thirty...
"Rarity? Are you going to let go?"
"I've been thinking... You seem really nice, and I need someone for today... Could we... work something out?"
"No."
"BUT WHY?!"
"You're using me."
"BUT I NEEDS IT!"
"And I need directions to Fluttershy's place, so if you can help me out, I'd owe you one."
"Fluttershy? You want to give HER roses, and NOT ME?!"
"There's more to it than that."
"I don't CARE! Right there on the horizon, that small cottage. Go there, and LEAVE ME ALONE TO WALLOW! Have fun with Fluttershy!"
"Thanks. Bye."
The sobbing intensified as he left. It was still audible when he left Ponyville. Poor marshmallow.
***
*KNOCK KNOCK*
"Oh, hi Anon. What brings you here today?" Fluttershy opened the door with a smile, then shock took her. "Um... Roses?"
"Yes." Anon nodded, and held them in front of him. "I heard you gave me these, and I was confused as to why."
"Do you not know what today is?"
"Thursday."
"Oh dear." Fluttershy opened the door all the way. "Come in."
"Thank you."
"Sit on the couch."
One tush sat down, followed closely by another.
"So what, Fluttershy?"
"Today is Hearts and Hooves Day."
"It is?"
"Yes. Anon, did you really not take not of it on a calender or something?"
"Your damn rabbit brought my entire house down to rubble, so no. I don't have a calender right now."
"Why does he do that?"
"But I want to know why you got me roses."
The blushing began. Fluttershy became nervous. "Um... I really like you."
"Yeah?"
"MM-hmm."
"You're lying."
"No, I'm not!"
"So what do you like about me?"
"You're funny, kind, and... um... other things."
"See? So, why are you lying? What's the truth?"
"Hey, Shy? Where are the roses I-"
Again, an uninvited intruder came in, none other than the Dash herself.
"...So you're giving her my roses?"
Fluttershy's blushing intensified. Anon remained silent, going from Fluttershy, to Dash. Fluttershy to Dash. Speaking of Dash, she took off. Anon got off of the couch, a bit stunned.
"I'm going for a walk." Anon announced.
***
And Anon walked right back to his pile of rubble, where the roses were beforehand. He was mentally working.
"Dash got me roses. The mad lad did it. Hm... So, what now?"
"Buy our finest wine here!"
Anon's attention snapped from inside to outside as he saw a merchant walking past.
"Thanks for the- When the hell did you get wings?!"
Anon shouted as Spike flew towards him.
"It happened a while ago. Cool, aren't they?"
"Quite. Anyways, thanks for the quick response."
"Sure thing. Anything for a bro who suffers with Twilight like I do daily!"
Their fists bumped with a resounding clack, and they both nodded to each other to affirm the bro-ship born between them.
"So, what do you need help with?"
"Just clearing out the rubble." Anon's hoof moved towards the remains. "I can build from the foundation up, and I might even be able to salvage some of the wooden planks. Also, if you have nothing going on, I could use some help putting stuff together, what with my condition and all."
Worry filled Spike's eyes. His hands laid on his cheeks. "Condition? Do you have diabetes?"
"NO! Who am I, Wilherd Brimley?!" And confusion filled Anon's. "I pulled a muscle, so heavy lifting is out for now." Anon shook his head. "Anyways, let's start."
***
After twenty or so minutes, the two had only gotten through a quarter of the rubble. They exchanged small talk, ranging from origins to how psychotic Twilight was. Plenty of material, unlike me.
"...and after that, Twilight never ate a quesadilla again." Spike chuckled.
"Jesus, that story is just as cheesy!"
"Hehe." As Spike put down his plank, he turned to Anon. "Ya know, you're actually cool."
"Actually?" His interest peaked. "Makes it sound like you've heard different about me."
"Oh yeah. Twilight and her friends won't shut up about you, but not how cool you are. Just how you'll be a virgin for life."
Clunk!
"Shit!"
Anon grabbed his hoof he had stubbed on a stray piece wood. He immediately went into the fetal position. "Ow... But what's wrong with being a virgin?"
"That's what I asked as well, but they had no real response." Spike shrugged. "Just that you should get laid, and know what love and poon feel like."
"So they want to play matchmaker or something? Is this Huniepop?!"
"Quality Markiplier content, but no." Spike's hands hid his face. "I don't get being a psycho either, but that's just what they've said. But why do you not get laid? There's plenty of volunteers."
"Have you done it, Spike?"
"...No."
"Who are you to talk, then? Acting like you have experience."
"Can you just answer my question, please?"
Anon unfolded from the fetal position. "Well, if I tell you, where's the mystery for the mares and the readers?"
Spike's mouth opened, then closed as he thought. "Point taken. But who would you want to do it with?"
"Again, it's a mystery..."
"Mystery, my ass." Unlike Spike's lower voice, this one sounded like a bee's annoying buzz. "Fluttershy, right?" A white furball walked up straight to Anon, and jumped where Anon couldn't reach: the small of Anon's back.
"You have some FUCKING NERVE, ANGEL! GET DOWN HERE!!!" Anon stomped the ground with his good hoof.
"I can book you a room at Hotel Fluttershy for a favor."
Anon's posture wasn't the only thing to stiffen. "...I'm listening."
Hook, line, and shitter. "If you give me 10 bits, I will hook it up."
"10 bits? What for?"
"Fluttershy is running low on funds for my catnip, and I need my nip."
"Isn't catnip for... cats?"
"Yes, but I sell it for 20 bits a gram to Capper. Deal?"
The gears turned... and turned... and stalled. They need WD-40. "What's the catch?"
"You son of a horse. Just take the offer."
"Deal." Anon almost jumped for joy, then remembered something. "Spike, you just witnessed a drug deal be made. Remember, you saw nothing."
"My lips are sealed, dude." Spike checked his imaginary watch. "Whoa. I gotta go before Twilight freaks. For that reason, I'm out. Later."
After an epic fist-bump, Anon looked for the funds to give Angel. Unfortunately, he had to lift several pieces of wood to look for it. With wood piled on his back, and his attention not on Angel...
"Oh, there-"
*SWIFT AF*
"The shit? No. ANGEL! NO!"
Angel took off with the bag of bits that Anon had found mere seconds before. Yes, the same bag he got from Canterlot. All 9,500 bits were gone with Angel. Even with the heavy bag held above his head, Angel was on Angel Dust like a white Usain Bolt.
"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Anon started tearing up, then started tearing shit up. Like his muscles. He ran after Angel, his newly recovered hoof starting to ache. Oh, lord...
***
"Hah, shit." After minutes of running, Anon found himself at another cottage with more animals than he ever cared to take care of. "ANGEL!" His attention diverted to the bag of bits that were on the front door step. "My precious!!! Oh, nom nom nom-"
Anon heard the door open. "Can I help you?"
"No thanks-" Anon stopped what he was doing. The doorway showed Fluttershy, eyebrows furrowed.
"Anon, why are you molesting that bag?"
"...That is explainable, these are my bits, your bunny Angel stole them, humping isn't molestation."
Anon tried to get up with the bag, and fell right back down in pain. "Again? My muscle hurts again..."
Fluttershy facehoofed. "Really? Can you walk at all?"
"Somewhat." Without the added weight, Anon got up fine, and walked a bit slower than normal. "So... this is something."
"What is?"
"Well, I can't walk back to my place with the bag right now, so I either have to leave it or have someone carry it for me. And I will not leave it out of my sight again."
"And your place is in ruins, right?" Fluttershy gestured for Anon to come in.
"Eeyup!"
Somewhere on Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac sneezed.
Anon had passed the doorway when Fluttershy turned and said, "I'm sure if I rearrange a few things, I can make room for you to stay here tonight."
Anon's eyes went wide. He looked around to see if he would be punked, but this was... legit? "Really? I don't want to burden you like that."
"It's fine for tonight."
On the windowsill past Fluttershy, Anon spotted a thumbs-up from a familiar color.
'Celestia, Angel, thank you!' "Really? Thanks, Fluttershy." Fluttershy walked past Anon, starting to clean up.
"If you try anything, I'll fucking castrate you and feed it to Antoine for breakfast tomorrow."
"Screw that. I sleep in there every night. I'll be fine one night on the couch."
"You sure?"
"Yes, I'm absolutely sure."
"...Ok. Mind if I take a bath? Don't to sully your sheets."
"I'm sure you will, hentai."
"That was uncalled for! Just show me to the bath."
"Follow me." Anon did indeed tail Fluttershy, with his eyes on her tail. "And stop staring so intently."
"Sorry."
A few paces went by silently, before Fluttershy spoke.
"So a little bunny told me you have a crush on me."
Anon scoffed. "I wouldn't say a crush. I just like you the most out of you and your friends."
"So a crush."
"No. Preference fits better."
Fluttershy blushed a little, matching her pink hair. "Here you go. There's already a towel in there ready for you. Don't take too long, and please don't drop the soap."
***
Anon stepped out of the bath, feeling cleaner and better than before. Fluttershy walked up to him, almost knowing exactly how long he would take. "All right, follow me to the bedroom."
"Whoa, at least buy me a drink first!"
"You wish, virgin." A smug smirk formed on Fluttershy's face.
"Ouch, my peepee and my pride."
Fluttershy opened the door, showing a bed in the middle against the wall with a cabinet on either side. "Lay down, facing into the mattress."
He did as instructed, having a feeling of where this was going. The sudden pressure of a hoof was unexpected, though. It was right on the spot that hurt the most.
"Oooh. Ease up, Fluttershy. That's where it hurts most."
"Lucky touch at work. And that's the point. Just let me massage it a little."
"Oh... kay. Why are you doing this?"
"I'm letting you stay the night, and I want you to be in good shape tomorrow. Massage will often help with that."
"Hmmm... Can't argue with that logic. Massage away."
Not even 30 seconds into the massage , Anon was so relaxed that he fell asleep. "He's all tuckered out." She started moving the comforter from underneath Anon to above. "Probably dreaming of being surrounded by gum drops, ice cream, and idiots." Once he was covered by the comforter, and Allstate, she walked downstairs, got on the couch, and fell asleep shortly after.
***
Fluttershy was woken up by pulling on her ear, which was the usual signal from her master for lunch. Or second breakfast, as some midgets call it. "Angel? Fine..." She saw the moon was still out.
She got up, got two carrots from her pantry, and put them in the bowl. "Are you happy now?"
Angel gave her a thumbs-up, approving of the actions to spoil him. With that out of the way, half-asleep, she started walking to go back to bed.
***
A spring. That's what filled Anon's nostrils.
Colors of pink and yellow filled Anon's eyes.
And ice-cold terror filled Anon's body.
"Wha?" Anon reached out a hoof to affirm that he was, indeed, in the same bed as Fluttershy. The solid touch of muscle and short fur was all too real, unlike his dream of gum drops, ice cream, and Pinkie eating it all. The sun's rays were barely breaking through the horizon at this point.
"...Yosh!*" Anon got out of the bed from the other side, careful not to tread on the creaky floorboard, otherwise Fluttershy would get mad at him. After leaving the room, Anon decided to go into the kitchen to see what was what.
"A lot of vegetables and fruits. Of course, Angel is always on the menu. Eh, Fluttershy probably would put ME on the menu if I did that." After checking in a cabinet, Anon got a bit excited. "Looks like meat's BACK ON THE MENU, boys!" A delicious sirloin steak was in Anon's view, then his hooves. He licked his lips. "Mmm..." He looked left and right to make sure no being was around. But before he could bite into the delicious food, a growl was heard from his right, along with the rustle of paper.
***
Fluttershy woke up, a bit confused. Wasn't she sleeping on the couch? Anon was in the bed, right? Did she sleepwalk again? "Aw shit, here we go again."
The smell of sauce and seasoning filled her nostrils, and the pressure on her back wasn't too bad. Wait, HUH?
"Go again with what?"
This time, Fluttershy's eyes fully opened, and her body froze stiff out of panic. She turned her neck to see Anon kneeling on the bed beside her. So she was on her stomach, then.
"Hi, Fluttershy."
"The fuck are you doing to me. Ecchi. Hentai. Pervert. Oedipus-complex driven virgin."
"...You good? I'm giving you a massage, to answer your question."
"Why? And what smells good?"
"Because you did it to me last night, so I wanted to repay you. And the breakfast on the cabinet."
Fluttershy turned her neck the other way to see a simple meal that I am too tired to describe right now. "Thanks, but I have to get up. Unlike you, I have work to do."
"Ouch. And don't worry. I took care of your feeding list. At least, the morning portion."
"How did you figure that out?"
"Simple. It said 'Feeding List', with names, foods, amounts, and times."
The awkward silence stayed for a few seconds. "...Why are you helping me out so much?"
Anon shrugged. "I like you, and I like helping out." His hooves moved to her head. "So feel free to relax a bit."
Fluttershy relaxed a bit, enjoying the scalp massage. With all of her hair getting in the way, no one really ever massaged her head, so this was different, but not unwelcome.
"Hmmm... okay. If this is what you're like, I might have to invite you over... more..."
Within a few seconds, her breathing evened out. Taking the hint, Anon got off of the bed and covered her with the comforter. "There, Fluttershy." He also saw Angel in the doorway, again giving a thumbs-up. "Keep this up, and you'll be off of my shit list. Thanks, my homeboy."
As Anon approached the mess formerly known as his place, he saw a familiar green and purple dragon there.
"What's up, Spike?!"
"Sup." He nodded his head up. "I got nothing going on, so I'll help you today as well."
Tears started welling up in Anon's eyes. "This boi. Thanks, my dude." He tried to wipe them away, with half success. "They aren't tears. Just eye juice."
"Suuure."
***
Like last time, they started going through the rubble. But the question hung in the air like Chester Whinnington.
"So how was Fluttershy's?"
"Oh THERE it is! I knew it." Anon sighed before turning back to the wood. "Very nice. She was pleasant to be around."
"Nice. So what happened?"
"Not... too much."
Spike walked to Anon and grabbed his muzzle, forcing their eyes to meet. "Hm... So what happened?"
Anon's eyes darted left and right before settling back on Spike's. "Homie, if I tell you, can you keep it more secret and secure than Area 51?"
"How many alien cheeks in there we clapping?"
"Bongo cat levels of clapping."
Wonder filled Spike's stare. "Now, give me the summary."
Anon sat down. "Ahem." His voice was a whisper at this point. "She massaged me-"
"Happy ending?"
"No!" Anon said with a blush. "Then somehow, she was sleeping on the couch, but when I woke up in her bed, she was with me-"
"You two cuddled?"
"That's the thing! I don't know, man. And then I made her some breakfast, took care of her animals, and massaged her as thanks. Then she fell asleep, and I came here, and you know the rest."
"So you know what I heard from all of that?"
Anon's ears focused on the midget in front of him. "What?"
"She's a like button."
"...Wha?"
"Because you should SMASH HER!!!" To accentuate his point, Spike stomped on a piece of wood. "Fluttershy gave you her bed to sleep in? She doesn't do that, even with her friends! She massaged you?! She only does that to her animals, not PONIES!" Spike inhaled before continuing. "And she let you massage HER? She could've broken your hoof! Hell, you relaxed her enough for her to fall back asleep! Once Fluttershy is up, SHE'S UP!"
Spike threw a plank on the ground in front of him, which splintered and hit Anon in several places. Anon recoiled. "Ah..."
"SHE'S ALSO A VIRGIN!"
"Spike! STOP! SHUT UP!" Anon did what was essentially an angery boop with intent to silence.
And that's what Spike did. He took a breath and sat down. "Sorry. I've been stressed because of shit going on in the castle, and the school, and just... so much shit." He took one more deep breath before he stood up and put his claw out. "We cool?"
"Sure. I get it." Anon and Spike shook and nodded. "Next time, just talk about it. Don't be throwing stuff."
"Yeah. Sorry." The two went back to clearing out wood. "But seriously. She likes you, and based on what you said, more than the usual like."
"That'll take a bit to settle for me. But thanks, Spike. I appreciate your input, even if it was... heated."
The sound of trotting was off in the distance, but approaching ever so slightly. "Hey, Anon!" And the voice hinted at a drawl. "I need your help!"
"Oh great..." Anon focused on the orange pony coming towards him. "What's up, Applejack?"
"Hey. So Big Mac is sick, and the Crusaders' Treehouse is falling apart a bit, and I have to get back to apple bucking, so can ya help me out?"
"...So what part do you need me to help with?"
"If you could do the Treehouse, it's just a few planks on the roof, I'd mighty appreciate it."
"On the roof? Got a ladder?"
"Yup!"
"Spike, thanks for the help. See you!" Anon started walking off with Applejack. "I got it."
"Aw, thanks, Anon!" Applejack wrapped a hoof around Anon's neck.
"Applejack, withdraw that hoof or suffer a broken muzzle again. Your choice."
***
The sun was setting as Anon walked back to the house. "Hey, Applejack. The treehouse is fixed up- what's that smell?"
"Apple fritters! And other stuff for dinner!"
Applejack once again walked up to Anon and wrapped a hoof around him. "Thanks for fixing the treehouse up."
Anon just grabbed her leg and took it off from around him. "Now Applejack, what did I say earlier?"
"Okay..." She put out her bottom lip in a weak pout. "I'm just trying to show how much I appreciate the help."
"So just, I don't know, say thanks like you did a few sentences ago? No hugging, please."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." Anon was walking towards the door.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
"...Home."
"Ain't your home just a pile of sticks and stones now?"
"...Well, still, I'm going. Have a good night-" As Anon was leaving, his soon-to-be path was blocked.
"Hey sis- Who the fuck is this?!"
"APPLEBLOOM! THE FUCK DID I SAY ABOUT CURSING, NOW?!"
"I can say whatever I want now! I'm finally not a damn foal!"
"It ain't about being a foal or not, it's manners, you ungrateful piece of shit! Ya just don't curse around strangers because it isn't a good first impression!"
Applebloom nodded in a direction. "Who the fuck is that stallion over there? Your soon-to-be boyfriend?"
"No, that's Anon, the one who fixed up your treehouse!" The blush didn't lie, though.
"...Treehouse? Ya still think we use that piece of shit?"
*Bonk*
"Ow!"
*Bonk*
"The hell?! OW!"
"Shut your mouths, BOTH of you." Anon walked back from the two, leaving them to rub their heads from his aggressive bops.
"You wanna get physical, Anon? I'll kick your ass!" Applebloom raised her voice.
The next thing she knew, she was outside on her very sore haunches.
"OW! How do you do that!"
"There. Now I kicked YOUR ass LITERALLY. Applebloom, take a walk and cool off. Come back when you're good."
"Who do you think you are to kick me out of my own house?"
"I'm Anon." He started walking towards Applebloom, who noped out of there real quick.
"Thank ya much, Anon. You have no idea how much trouble she's been since she started maturing."
"Sure thing. How long has she been trouble?"
"The last few weeks. She's started listening to this awful music that you can't even understand the lyrics to, and when you do understand the lyrics, it sounds like shit still!"
"What did you just say about swearing around strangers?"
Applejack remembered, then took a moment to reflect.
"What music?"
"What are they called, Wings of Saturn? I don't get it at all..."
Anon turned towards the door. "Oh, really."
"Anyways, dinner's up!"
"Itadakimasu!*"
***
After dinner and a bath, Anon was once again heading towards the door.
"Still going home?"
"Yup. I just feel like I've been here long enough. Any longer, and I might start to feel bad."
"Nonsense. We have a spare bed. Besides, it's just one night. No harm."
"Jeez, this again," Anon muttered to himself. "If you're fine with it."
"Aaabsolutely!"
"Ok. Show me da wae."
Anon came back up the stairs, and Applejack led da wae to da queen. "This one right here." For a moment, Chrysalis seemed to be there, but that must have been a false queen. Also, when Anon entered the room, Applejack followed.
"...Yes, Applejack?"
"What? This is my bedroom."
"But you said I would be in the spare bedroom."
"Never said that. Just said we have one."
"...Celestia damn it."
In Canterlot, Celestia sneezed before Luna said, "Shut up, sister. I'm concentrating."
"So what? You want to cuddle tonight, Applejack? Go at it like you did apple bucking today?"
"I don't the energy to go that far today. Maybe the cuddling would be nice, though."
"No cuddling. If we're in the same bed, we have to have pillows between us, and we're facing different directions. Got it?"
"Are ya that afraid of physical contact?"
"No. I just don't want to cuddle with a pony I barely know."
Applejack scoffed before giving in. "Fine, fine. I'll get the pillows from the spare bed."
As she left, Anon watched her intently. Once she was gone from view, he let his breath he had held in. "Dat ass."
Anon couldn't help but cough and gasp for air as he woke up in a ridiculous position. Somehow, all of the pillows between himself and Applejack were thrown all over the place, leaving very little space to begin with. Take into the fact that Applejack was squeezing his stomach right where his diaphragm was, and breathing became a chore. He didn't have too much of a chance to rustle out of her iron grip. Oh, what can a stallion do?
Well, he turned over onto his other side as best as he could to face Applejack. Once he was facing her, the breath was taken out of him for another reason. Her sleeping face was... quite cute. She was utterly at peace right now. And who was Anon to disturb such a tranquil silence?
Anon, that's who.
But he could enjoy this for a little bit longer... Anon felt Applejack's grip tighten around his back as he wrapped his own hooves around AJ's back. An eye for an eye, at least for a while. And if you asked Anon why he was blushing at that moment, he would tell you the reason was the apple scent in the air was showing on his cheeks.
***
A few minutes later, Anon decided that would be enough and wrangled his way out of the steel grip. It wasn't easy; where Twilight was a book horse, Applejack was a muscle horse, and it showed. But eventually his hooves hit the solid ground, and the spot next to AJ was left empty.
"M... my body... pillow."
The sleep talk from her mouth left Anon speechless. Did someone find his Megumin body PILLOW?! But the only one likely to find that would be Angel. That two-sided shitlord who knew how to hook up a homie.
As Anon exited the front door, being careful to be silent on his way, he heard a familiar song from in the distance. It seemed to be coming from the barn... He started towards it.
"The greatest conclusion, that I ever had... *"
"Was when I woke up, and said 'That's enough,' living never felt so bad! *"
Along with the song was a slurred voice. It resembled Applejack's own, but was higher pitched. As Anon walked past the entrance, he saw a slightly familiar yellow pony with a red mane and bow tie. "Hi, Apple Bloom!"
"JESUS CHRIST!" Her body seized up like a goat in shock as she toppled over like a Jenga tower. If her getting up was any indication, she was buzzed to all hell. "Anon, don't be sneaking up on me like that, okay?!"
"Sorry, but I couldn't resist." A snicker escaped his muzzle, followed by a few louder chuckles. He walked over to the drunken mess and got her up enough so she could stand again with a slight sway. "So, how drunk are you?"
"I- I'M NOT DRUNK!"
"Jeez, turn your Caps Lock off!" And the familiar smell hit Anon like a train. "Um, Apple Bloom, where did you get that from?"
She turned her attention to the barrel labeled as "JJ for AJ". "I found it in here while I was setting up the latest Slipknot record on the gramophone." Apple Bloom chugged the last of the drink before going over to the barrel to refill. Anon grabbed her hind leg, intent on not letting another soul suffer Pinkie's infernal creation.
"Apple Bloom, that," Anon pointed with his hoof towards the barrel, "is Jungle Juice. I would STRONGLY advise against drinking any more."
"You damn buzzkill! Why is it when I want to have fun, I can't?!"
Combined with the alcohol, ponies tend to become very emotional and loose-lipped. Anon couldn't tell which hiccups were because of the building crying, or the alcohol, but it wasn't looking too good regardless. Apple Bloom started to collapse into a mess as her tears left her eyes.
"Why don't my family understand?"
Anon had no idea what to do at this point, so he did what usually worked: hugging the pony and let them get it out. He approached Apple Bloom and sat down beside her before stroking her back. He couldn't do much for hugging, but who doesn't like being rubbed on the back? Right? Or left?
Either way, the situation was awkward enough as Apple Bloom was crying, looking like she would keel over at any moment, while Anon tried consoling her. "It's alright," he cooed as his hoof went about in its motions. The crying went on for a solid two minutes before Apple Bloom could regain enough composure to talk.
"No, it's not alright!" A hoof stomp to the ground accentuated her point. Promptly following that was something Anon had never experienced before; the violent convulsions as she dry heaved. "It's-" And then the vomit came. Now, Anon had only one idea what to do, which was to hold her hair back while she let it out, both emotionally and physically. Again, it was a period of time before she stabilized, the odor of puke lingering in the air. Luckily, she had a handkerchief around her neck, but the pile on the ground was another story. Anon grabbed that with his hoof from around her neck and wiped her mouth with the rag. Since it would be rude to put a used cloth on her again, he merely tossed it to the ground. He then wrapped his hooves around her barrel as best as he could.
"Apple Bloom, listen to me, please. Just listen, okay? Breathe in and out. Can you do that for me?" Anon turned Apple Bloom to face him. If he had walked around to face her, he would be in a pile of puke, and that wouldn't be good, now would it?! You get it, right?
But Anon wasn't really getting through to Apple Bloom. His instruction went unheard, and she was still crying as hard as before. He went back to just hugging, which was the best he could do right now. As this went on, the music was still playing. Anon tuned in.
"While I was learning to live, you taught me how to die! **"
"Solway Firth! Hell yeah!"
Apple Bloom's gaze went from the ground to the stallion. She sniffled, but seemed to perk up a bit. "You know Slipknot?"
"Um, yeah! How could I NOT?! Top five bands, easily!"
"What album do you like the best by them?" Apple Bloom jumped onto her hooves. The excitement in her eyes lit like a candle. She trotted in place.
"Their second one, obviously. How could you hate 'Muzzle = Shit'?"
"YES! Or what about 'Left Behind'?"
"But don't forget about 'The Neighretic Anthem'! The drums are brutal on that one!"
"YES!!! Have they ever played that live?"
"You bet, Apple Bloom! At least, the last five times I've seen them."
The excitement left, and wonder came in. "You've seen them, Anon?! WHAT WERE THEY LIKE?!!! TELL ME!"
"Before I tell you, calm yo tits, mmkay?" Anon cleared his throat. "You do NOT know what it is like to experience it until you do. The rumors never match up to the real thing. To actually be in the pit, to be chanting the lyrics with ten thousand other ponies... you will never know until you go."
"Can you take me next time you go?! PLEASE?"
"What's in it for me if I take you, Apple Bloom?"
Her gaze faltered. "...Damn. I haven't thought this far ahead."
"I'm only joking, Apple Bloom. Are you old enough to drink legally?"
"Eeyup!" She raised her hoof in affirmation, which threw off her balance and resulted in her falling to her side. Luckily, she fell onto the clean side of the barn. "Just not quite sober yet."
"Speaking of which, why WERE you drinking in her while listening to Slipknot?"
"Hah... no specific reason. Just felt like it."
"Likely story. But if you can drink, I'll take you to see Avatar and Wings of Saturn opening, with Slipknot headlining. Okay?"
If Apple Bloom were a pegasus, her wings would have been frozen stiff at this point. "All three? When? When?! WHEN?!"
"In a week exactly from today."
"Promise?"
Anon chuckled. "Yes, I promise."
"Pinkie Promise?!"
"Cross my heart and swear to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" The motions that followed seemed genuine enough, and that was satisfactory enough to Apple Bloom, who glomped Anon.
"I love you, Anon!"
"Ah, um, you wanna rethink those words?"
"NOPE!" Her tightening grip matched her resolve to fully appreciate Anon, who might've been in bed with a goblin, for all she knows. Alex Pones would disapprove.
"So, Apple Bloom, are you ok now?"
Among all of the things going on, Anon's sixth sense sensed something was not right, according to Doug Dimmadome owner of the Dimmadome Stadium!
"I feel... hot." As the heat spread through Apple Bloom, from the tips of her hairs to the bottoms of her hooves, one spot in particular flared up. Anon smelled apples from a distant source, but couldn't pinpoint exactly where. "And I'm getting wet."
"Well, yeah. Sweat naturally happens when you're hot."
"No, wet as in-"
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" The orange pony in the doorway was holding a newspaper. On the front was a picture of Celestia giving a speech with an eye patch. If Luna's laughing face was any indication, she had something to do with that. "ANON, GET AWAY FROM MY SISTER!"
"Applejack, I can explain-"
Big Mac appeared out of nowhere beside Applejack, looking just as furious.
"Let's do it, Big Mac!"
"EEYUP!"
Applejack rolled up the newspaper and started whacking Anon with it, whom started backing away from Apple Bloom. "Outta this barn, outta this barn!"
Big Mac, meanwhile, held a cigar-looking object that smelled of sage and smoke beneath his chin as he chanted, "Spirits, begone from this house!"
"Anon, don't forget about our promise!"
Applejack's face and neck turned towards Apple Bloom, then Anon. "Promise?"
"He's taking my virginity!"
"THAT DOES IT!"
The next thing Anon knew, he was in a Full Nelson hold, his hooves above his head. If you've followed this story, you know about Anon's muscle issues, right?
"AHHHHHHHH!"
Because if the Apples didn't know, they sure did now. The scream of pain echoed throughout the barn, and they backed away cautiously. The limp form of Anon laid on the ground, unconscious.
"Think that lustful spirit was successfully exorcised from Anon?"
"Eeyup."
Apple Bloom piped up. "Maybe we should take him to the hospital? That scream sure sounded painful."
Applejack looked at Apple Bloom for a few seconds before busting out laughing. "You and your 'medicine.' Tomfoolery."
"Doesn't that medicine also cure your heat?"
"Shut it, Apple Bloom. Big Mac, carry Anon to the hospital. Let them take care of him."
While the unconscious Anon was on Big Mac's back, Apple Bloom quietly kissed Anon on the cheek.
"Remember our promise. Hey, you Pinkie Promised!" She giggled before bounding back to the house.
Anon could feel the world returning to him. His senses were intact, but his mobility was off.
"Oh, you're awake! Nice to see you, Anon!"
He opened his eyes to see a candy cane. It wasn't Hearth's Warming yet, so this confused him. Until his eyes adjusted and he saw a familiar pony.
"Hi, Red! How have you been?"
She lived up to her nickname, as her cheeks turned pink. "I've been fine, how about you?"
"Awesome. Well..." The memories of last night rushed to his mind. "Other than being Full Nelson-ed by a deranged pony." He turned his head to see a sling on his right side, holding his leg in place. "So what's the diagnosis, Doc?"
"Well, since we've already healed the major damage, two days of rest should be enough. Again, take it easy."
"Sounds like two days I'll enjoy."
The prior pink turned to a cherry red. "Oh, you..." Her hoof touched Anon's muzzle in an action of sacred religion: booping.
Anon reciprocated the blush. He moved his good hoof to touch the ghost of the boop, taking in what happened. "You booped me."
"Yup, I did!"
"Redheart, I am offended."
"Why?"
"Come closer..."
Redheart approached Anon, turning her ear to be next to Anon's mouth. He blew a strong current of air directly into her ear, causing a shiver to run throughout her body. "Ah! Why would you do that?!"
"What, that turns you on?"
Nurse Redheart squeezed her hindlegs together. "...kind of. I'm really sensitive right now, so please take it easy."
"...sorry. I didn't mean to get you going."
"It's fine. It's heat season, after all."
"Say again?"
"What? It's heat season."
Anon sniffed the air. "So THAT'S why I smell cherries." One of his eyebrows raised. "Wait, how long does it last?"
"Usually about a week or two, maybe. Though, MY heat can end right now, if you catch my drift." She nuzzled his neck, making her meaning very clear.
"Wait, do you mean..."
"Oh, I mean."
"Goofy Goober!"
"I'm a goofy, goofy goober, yeah! You're a goofy, goofy- What the hell are we doing?!"
Anon brought his good hoof around Redheart in a half hug. "As much as I like you, I'll have to decline your request."
Redheart's eyes softened, trying to accept the rejection. The gathering tears held no comfort to either party. "So you'll make me suffer through this for SUCH a long time?"
"But you're quite attractive. You can find somepony to take care of you."
"But I want YOU to take care of me."
"Declined."
"Please!"
"Nah."
Her legs were starting to buckle a bit. The desperation, if it was not apparent through her voice, was apparent through her stance. "Please?"
"Nah."
"Hngh?"
"Mm-mmm."
Her front legs buckled ever so slightly. "I'm wet!"
"Get a towel, then." Anon shrugged.
She couldn't help but laugh at just how corny that joke was. It was enough to take her mind away from the current situation. "You're such a tease."
"I know."
"Well, I have other patients to take care of." Redheart started trotting away.
"Maybe they can take care of your problem!"
***
"ANON!!!!"
That soprano voice could only belong to one pony. A poofy, pink pony.
"I heard you were hurt, and I don't like my friends being hurt! Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Pinkie."
"That's good! Here." A piece of paper fell onto Anon's barrel. "I know about your Pinkie Promise with Apple Bloom, so read this when you get a chance!"
"How do you know?"
"I have meticulously recorded files!"
"Why do I smell cotton candy?"
"Bye, Anon!"
"...what?"
***
"Hello, Anonymous! How have you been this far?"
"Oh my god, WALKING MARSHMALLOW!"
"The name is Rarity!"
"Ok, Marshmallow."
"Hmph!" Rarity turned her face away from Anon in a clear pout. "Anyways, you brute. I heard from Pinkie Pie that you need some fashionable clothes for a concert. As soon as you can come to the Boutique, please stop by. I will take care of the rest."
"Got it, Marshmallow."
The sound Rarity let out wasn't a scream as much as an imitation of a teapot. "ANON!"
"What? I smell marshmallows!"
"Forget it!" She stomped out of the room.
"It's not my fault your cheeks look like marshmallows. Look so boopable." Anon twiddled his hooves. "Booping material."
***
Redheart walked through the doorway. "Ok, Anon. How are you feeling today?"
"Better now that you're here."
"Awww..." Redheart cocked her head. "You're so sweet!" There was a faint drip of liquid in the distance.
"Heh. So am I good to go?"
"Sure, you should be fine. Again, take it easy!"
"Well, look at it this way. If I don't take it easy, you'll take care of me, right?" Anon booped Redheart before taking the sling off. "And that's revenge for earlier." Redheart was too busy blushing to really pay attention as he got out of bed and left.
After heading out of the doors, breathing in the outside air, Anon took a moment. "She's nice, but maybe I should try to stay out of the hospital a little bit more. The bills aren't cheap. So, where's Rarity's Boutique again?"
***
Anon didn't see Rarity as much as a blur of purple and ivory. "Hi, very sorry, but I have some last minute business I absolutely MUST attend to! Sweetie, please get along with Anon here for an hour or two, okay? BYE!"
Rarity left in a dash with a bag behind her, no doubt containing some of her "essentials". Anon and Sweetie turned to look at each other. They both said at the same time, "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm Rarity's sister. Who are YOU?" Sweetie's eyes were wary, and she maintained her distance from the strange pony.
"I'm Anon. I hope we can get along."
"We'll see about that..."
"Sounds good."
...
...
"So do both of you work to look like marshmallows on purpose, or is that just Maybelline or something?"
