This story needs an editor, and a quality checker.

8974967
I am well aware of that, this was my first clopfic that was written on a whim in a few hours, though I get the grammar checking I don't really get the quality checking? it's just porn it's not supposed to be any great story. If it's hot i've done my job.

8975191
Eh, porn can still be written well. And kinda has to be, to be truly compelling.
And I both agree with 'Hoof' and found this fine.
As in, I liked the story, but I don't quite know why because the dialogue was clumsy and the action was not described well.
Like Hoof said, another (ideally practiced) pair of eyes might have helped significantly.

8975203
Ah, that seems to lie more in the fact I don't write a lot of fanfic, practice would probably help me. I usually tend to do more along the lines of fanart then fanfic so this is new to me.

8975209
Even with practice, having someone other than the author judge the writing can be helpful.
An author will often (maybe even usually) read something differently from how a reader would.
Most noticeably, at least to me, in the 'say-verb'; A reader will quickly start filtering out all the 'he says, she says' (which is a good thing), while a writer is likely to read them each time (which makes them more inclined to change them to some unnecessary alternative)
But even stuff like the dialogue or action-text will change; The reader is only able to interpret your characters through the text (and, for fanfiction, from their 'canon' portrayal), while you've got some amount of unwritten characterization and interpretation.

8975238
I see, however i'm failing to understand what you mean by the last paragraph. like how does that relate to my fanfic? as in what are you trying to say about my characterization

I like it.

8975704
Thank you! I really enjoyed writing this

8975191
Editor = Mechanical errors. Spelling. Grammar. Those are everywhere.
Quality Check = See several comments above. But for a brief, in-depth look...

An erotic scene is still, by all intents and purposes, action. If action does not flow well, it's a jumble, and many of us can't read a jumble. Dialog choices in this were not the best, hence the quality check. If your characters can't quite speak well, it's not always their fault.

8975859
Then say that directly? I'm new to fanfiction so telling me I need a quality checker and leaving it at that means nothing to me. Also, considering I clearly mentioned I'm new to this in the author's notes you were a tad blunt. I don't know if it was intentional or not but if you leave vague comments like that all over new fanfic writers it's sorta annoying bc unless you say why it needs help we can't fix the issue bc we can't identify the issue.

8975258
I'm not trying to say anything specific about your characterization.
I'm trying to convince you of the benefit of another pair of eyes on this kind of thing in general.
You've already written this, and while you're free to rewrite it, I'm more concerned with helping you do better next time - so, general points, rather than specific.

8977100
I see, though i'm still not sure what you meant bc im very new to fanfic writing, doesn't mean you're wrong or i'm upset or anything, i'm just a little confused bc some of the terminology doesn't make a lot of sense to me.