Silver Wing
I looked back as Night fought the wendigo like creatures. He had cut the ropes on our sails, so we couldn't slow down and wait for the battle to end. Add that to the fact that the other boat was sitting very low in the water, and the situation didn't look very good. I watched as Night dodged the creatures and slashed at them when he could, but the battle was getting hard to see very quickly. Our ship was speeding up because of a strong wind. "Should we help him?" I asked Black iron as he stood beside me. Even though I was the second in command, we had strict orders to stay with Princess Luna. But the fight was with Night Wing and he may have needed help. The battle wasn't even visible now.
"Let's just wait and see what happens. Our orders were clear." Right as Iron said this, a large pulse of magic rippled through the air.
"That's it! I'm going to help him! Forget the consequences, my friend needs help." I jumped up onto the railing. "And I'm going to help him." With that I took off in the direction of the other ship. I rocketed through the air on my leathery wings as rain beat on my fur. In a matter of seconds I was able to see the ship again.
Above the wooden ship was a slowly shrinking portal that was pulling in stray pieces of wood wreckage. I saw Night falling into the sea as he blacked out, and raced forward to grab him. I impacted him just as he hit the surface of the water and we both went under. I struggled to drag him back up to the surface.
"Gah!" I gasped for breath as our heads breached the waves once more. I panted as I slowly pulled us toward the boat. Someone must have saw us, because a rope was thrown over the side for us. I tied the rope around Night's waist and held on as it was pulled back up onto the ship. The wooden hull scraped against us as we were pulled over the side and landed in a wet pile. I jumped off of Night and checked to see if he was breathing. To my relief he was. “Oh thank Luna! I got to him in time.”
I fell onto my back as ponies rushed around us. Many were carrying buckets as they attempted to drain the ship of water. “Are you alright?” Asked a pegasus that had helped pull us up.
“Yes, thank you for getting us onto the ship.” I stood up and looked around the ship. “Set a course for home. It will take us a while with one less sail.”
“Yes ma’am!”
Five Months Later
Night Wing
I sat in a large stone room with Starswirl. We were under the castle in a chamber Swirl had made to test his more dangerous spells. ‘So, the teacher becomes the student. Very ironic.’ I looked at Swirl with a smirk. He just scowled at me.
“Ok Night. Yes, it’s very funny, haha. Now tell me how to do the spell already!” Swirl was not a happy pony at the moment.
‘Ok ok!’ I laughed. ‘It similar to a teleportation spell, Just think about where you want to go.’
“Ok? Now what?” Swirl asked. I was teaching Starswirl the portal spell I used to banish the Sirens. I had finally figured out how I did it, and Swirl had been bugging me to teach him ever since.
‘Now, focus on the area you're in now as well.’ I stepped back in preparation for the portal to open. ‘Now comes the hard part. It’s going to take a lot of magic to open the portal, so be prepared for some mana burn.’ I took another step back just In case.
Mana burn is something that happens to creatures when they use too much magic at one time. For a unicorn like Starswirl, it would take more magic to hurt him than most ponies. But even he had limits. ‘Ok, when you’re ready charge up your magic and try to connect both locations together.’ Swirl’s horn started glowing brightly for a moment. Then lightning flashed from his horn and started hitting the walls. His mane and tail floated up as if gravity reversed, and a small window opened up in the air in front of him. I could see Starswirl panting as sweat ran down his face. ‘Easy Swirl, don’t push yourself too hard.’ The window grew bigger, showing a cave containing a crystal tree.
Energy started shooting from the sides of the portal, and the edges started to shrink and expand. The pulsating sped up until the whole portal was undulating rapidly. ‘Ok Swirl, I think you should stop now.’ I looked at Swirl as he didn’t stop. Instead he glared determinedly at the portal and focused even more magic into his horn. ‘SWIRL! That enou-!’ “KEEEAAAAAACK!!!” I started to shriek as the portal imploded. I say started, because a bolt of energy shot out and vaporized the left half of my neck. I now lay on the floor as I thrashed in pain.
“AAAAAaaaaAAAAAACK!!!” I tried to shriek but I just choked as I slowly stopped moving.
“Sweet Celestia! Night! Are you ok!?” Swirl ran to my side.
‘Does it look like I’m ok!?’ I barely managed to write on my wing. I couldn’t move anymore. I was so tired. My eyes slowly closed and I stopped breathing.....
Luna
I knew something was wrong when my bluesteel breastplate changed color. A small spot of black appeared in the center, and from the dot tendrils of darkness spread out. The tendrils reached the edges of the armor and began to expand in a swirling motion until the whole thing was pure black. Then Starswirl ran into the dining room and started gibbering about spells and mana explosions. Me and Celestia looked at each other, then back to Starswirl with worried looks.
“Starswirl, what happened?” Celestia asked Coolly. He finally stopped to take a breath. Then he said something neither of us expected.
“I killed Night Wing!” Starswirl yelled. Then he fainted on the floor. We both rushed over to him to check on him.
“He has sever Mana Burn around his horn.” Celestia observed. “He must have been testing a powerful spell.” Then what he said clicked in my head.
“Night!” I yelled out, then ran out of the room. There was only one place Swirl would test such a powerful spell.
Third Person
In the forest nearby, a large whirlwind of snow and ice appeared. It moved through the forest and froze everything it touched. It gained speed as it shot through the trees and it seemed it would never stop. Then it hit a tree and exploded, freezing everything in the area. In the middle of the explosion was a large bird that seemed to be made of space. His name was Night Wing. Night Wing was not a happy bird. Night Wing was, in fact, an angry bird.
Im dying of laughter from this.
9146846
Angry birds music starts playing in the background.....
Remember kids, it's only okay to kill your friends if they can regenerate!
Yeah... I wouldn't be so happy either if I just got killed like that- you don't die to the monsters, nope, you die to your friend being a doof
..... OUCH...
Oh yeah they don't know he can Regen as much as he wants. Egg on starswirls face
9146875
Whether they know he can regenerate or not, it’s still traumatizing to vaporize your friends neck and watch them choke to death. Although now we get to see whatever revenge Night Wing cooks up. This should be fun! Even I have literally no idea what’s going to happen! XD! Can’t wait to see what my mind cooks up in the heat of the moment!
Angry bird. Sounds about right. Multiverse must be ful of angry birds as well. Majority of them are probably geese and pigeons.
Im getting off this ride.
This was a great story but the pacing is so poor that an entire arc is contained in a thousand words, giving so little time to get invested that when something bad happens i know it will be resolved such short order that i dont even feel the impact of the bad event. Oh no he died that will suck and maybe swirl is gonna die no wait they are both fine in less then two paragraphs.
This feels less like a real story and more a bullet point green text retelling of a story.
I am hoping Night decides to haunt Starswirl for a few nights as revenge.
Getting killed is a casual thing for Night, for everyone else it is a tragic event.
Night Wing will be so furious when he sees Starswirl again.
the area you're in now?
9146852
Did his color change to red as well? I never play the game but does the real Angry Bird capable of flight?
9146930
Nedver said it wasn't traumatic but your right in regards to it, however I don't think starwswirl is actually aware of it. And he hasn't died as far as we are aware I think since the monster. Also yes revenge shall be fun to watch.
9147128
Im sorry to hear that. I do have a problem with pacing........... Well, thanks for reading my story as long as you did! I’ve been trying to get forward in the story, because i felt it was taking me to long to get to the important parts. That may have resulted in the fast pacing, i am going to try and slow down.
9147301
No, you use a slingshot to throw the birds. Its a fun game, one of my favorites. Although, i have to say, the starwars version is my favorite.
9147128
It's been obvious that he's the cold equivalent of a phoenix for some time now.
9147602
I know that, obviously. But the death was being treated as at least somewhat dramtic, at least somewhat important. Just because he will come back does not mean his death should just be.
"He died."
one paragraph later.
"Hes back and hes fine."
If death, something that should be the most dramtic event in a story is treated so utterly blase, and given less proverbial screen time then Luna's new crush then maybe it shouldnt have been included at all. If the most dramtic things are treated with that level of description then the author has a fundemental misunderstanding on how to create tension, and what is deserving of attention.
This story is billed as a dramatic story but it is so lightning fast that nothing has weight. Changlings? Oh wow that should be an entire arc in itself as we know litterly nothing about them and- they are steadfast allies overnight and the author honestly decided that skipping over their entire thing was a good idea. There is no weight anymore in this story everything is concluded so fast, built up so fast, that nothing is dramatic.
When there is a climactic scene every three paragraphs, there is no investment.
9147246
Fixed
9147745
Fixed
9147655
He's alive, yes, but we have no idea where. Plus, everyone he left behind doesn't know he's alive. This will also have an effect on his behavior, because now he knows for an absolute fact that he doesn't die when he's been killed, which could lead to him being more reckless. Plus, this will, at minimum, alter his relationship with Starswirl.
9147807
Actually hes died before. And he just hopped up outta his ashes. So they know all that. At most hes gonna be pissed at starswirl but judging by how much of a pushover the protag is, and just how screamingly fast action happens in here the anger might last a sentance or two if were lucky.
Also, we know where the crystal tree is, so either he pops out of his ashes like last time, or was transported to a place we know the location of.
There is no drama in this 'death'.
9147847
You know, I was going to let this be. But I have to say your wrong. Imma send you the link and password to the next chapter.
9147863
Oh my apologies, his anger lasted less then a single paragraph but more then two sentances, that is much different.
Nice to see that other then that one random pony, noone else seems miffed at all. Though he got a good scare, Starswirl suffered no repurcussions for a litteral murder. I can apreciate that he cant die permanently but the immense amount of pain that comes with your literal death should mean something you kind of have to establish that either he just doesnt feel pain, got used to it or is an incredible pushover as he basically just says. "yeah you might have killed me but I scared you so we are basicly even."
As it stands, the drama of the death is incredibly understated and other than that one rando pony, noone seems to really want to ensure Starswirl suffers some sort of ramifications for his actions and legally shouldnt he suffer some sort of backlash for this? Unless Night is just an unperson.
This is kids cartoon, I need to get back to status qou but also want my drama, level writing.
He needs to suffer something for this, not get the equivalent of a kick to the shins.
9147974
Ok, so what do you think should happen? Should he be imprisoned or something? Also, they didn’t just go and announce to the public that he died. Not many people knew. Only the sisters, Starswirl, Iron, Silver, Lotus, and Moon knew he was dead.
Short but good not many if any errors I give it a 7.5 just cause the length was unimpressive
I think this was a good chapter
9148081
He doesnt have to be arrested, just have Luna and Celestia pissed at him. He fucked up, he wasnt carefull, (Which is weird for his character by the way as he is a really well learned scholor and wizard so this kind of thing shouldnt have happened and the fact that this hasnt been adressed is a minor plot hole in itself) and he ended up causing great, if temporary, harm to their beloved brother.
Shouldnt Celestia and Luna be at least a little pissed at him? And confused as to why he was suddenly so hell bent on this spell that he ignored all warnings to stop? But they just arent... They are worried yeah but the pony that caused all the trouble? Not even the slightest bit of ire has been directed.
His punishment doesnt have to be physical, or legal, but it has to be there, even if its just, the girls dont respect him quite as much anymore, or they worry hes getting too old and isnt all there anymore. Something.
9148537
Hmmm. Your right, he shouldn’t get off completely free. And the chapter you read isn’t completely done. As to why he wasn’t careful, that will also be addressed. I will add in some repercussions for his actions, and will try to slow down on some things. I can see how I may have been getting to fast.
9148589
Perfect. And let me just put it this way, you were going through plot threads in 4k words, that should have taken 40k words.
this is how it felt
Night wing fights people, but the people arent bad, just this guy is, changelings are there and now they are allies, and everyone is happy they win. Is that a good story? Maybe, maybe. Would it be a way WAY better story if I sat down and really connected the dots, fleshed out the characters, added depth, and made this entire arc last longer then a single 2k word update?
Yes, absolutely yes.
That changeling arc alone should have been as long as the monster arc. That was your single best arc by the way. After it was done it felt like you just didnt give a shit. You wanted soemthing else to happen in the story and it was very far away so you just sprinted through everything and put in as little effort as possible and over time it felt more and more like this was a burden you were placing on yourself between the two arcs that you really wanted to write.
9148614
Now see how the chapter looks. Is it better?
9148715
Alot better!
The only thing I kind find fault with was the fact that you told the audience "Swirl had felt awful for what he did" rather then showed it. You did a pretty good job at that already so honestly you could delete that line and not lose anything and in fact only make the story better. I noticed one other time that was kind of close to this but it wasnt as bad.
Hmm...angry bird you say?"...YOOOOOOO"
https://youtu.be/u1Fzb5wbM28?t=6s
P.s (its probably closer to a "KEEEEEEAAAAR" but shh...)
P.s.s first comment on anything here ever. Elko chap
Is there a sligshot nearby
Statement: Starswirl is about to have a BAD TIME
Does this mean he is going to catapult himself at the castle?