The filly looked around the clearing. Not seeing anything, her eyes teared up. She sniffled and sat on the ground looking totally lost. But…. Am I before the show? Before everything? I watched as she began to cry. Oh that’s awful. Don’t cryyyy. She started to sob in front of me. Uuuuuh. What do I do!? I was on an alien planet with a child crying in front of me. Never expected that. I awkwardly walked over and stood beside her. I cocked my head and stared, wondering what I should do. Coming to a decision, I returned my feathers to normal and gently set a wing over her back.
“Tia!?” She asked in a high voice as she looked up. Seeing a giant hawk didn’t sit well with her. “Aaaah! Tia, save me!!” She yelled into the forest as she cowered on the ground. I looked around expecting another pony to jump out and start attacking me. When none came I got confused. Was she alone?
“Chirp?” I chirped as I lay my wing across her as gently as I could. She slowly uncurled when I did that.
“Your not going to eat me?” I shook my head slowly. “Can you help me find my sister?” I cocked my head to the side, once again confused. “I wandered off. And got lost.” She said, embarrassed. “I’m gunna be in so much trouble.”
“Chirp!” I looked around then took to the skies, eager to help the poor filly find her sister. I had just lost my brother after all. And my family. The thought nearly sent me to the ground, but I punched it aside and climbed higher. Once I was pretty high in the sky I started circling. Not once did I question my sudden ability to fly. Nope. Not once.
After circling for about 10 minutes, periodically checking on Luna every once in awhile, I spotted two ponies going through the forest not far away. They appeared to be searching frantically. One was unmistakably a young Celestia. The other I wasn’t sure about. He had a beard and pointy hat on. “KEEEEEEEAR” I shrieked as I dove back down to Luna. Once I landed she looked excitedly at me. “Did you find them!?” I nodded rapidly. Then I looked in the direction I saw them, trying to decide how to go about getting her back to them. I came to the conclusion that carrying her would be the fastest way.
Hovering over to her, I slowly lined my self up to pick her up. She looked with a mystified expression. Until I picked her up. Then she giggled. “Haha! That tickles!” I smiled to myself as I took off through the trees. Weaving through the forest and between branches with agility I never knew I had. Trees flew by as little Luna giggled in my claws. Wind blew past us as we raced towards her family. After a few minutes I started hearing voices through the trees.
“Luna!!”
“LULU!!! Where are you!!” I raced towards the voices, quickly a rriving behind the ponies.
“Chirp” I set Luna down as the ponies spun around. Luna ran to hug Celestia while the bearded pony lit his horn up. And shot at me!! “KEEEEEAR” I shrieked at him as I dodged the glowing blue energy beam.
“Wait!” Luna yelled. “He helped me!!”
“What!? Luna it’s a...hawk?” The bearded pony started, seeming to notice how I looked for the first time.
“What is it Starswirl?” Asked Celestia. I nearly hit the ground. STARSWIRL!?
“I’m not sure Tia. Some kind of magical creature that I have never seen before.” He stared at me intently before approaching. I nervously landed, not wanting another beam hurled at me. I liked living. “It appears to be remarkably intelligent for an avian.” Swirl noted. Yeah, Starswirl is too long. I’m going to call him Swirl. “How did you find him Luna?”
“I didn’t. He found me. I’m not sure where he came from. One minute I was alone. And then he just popped up beside me.” Luna answered. Right, I had been disguised when she came out. The bushes nearby rustled and I flinched and turned tree like again.
“Amazing!” Swirl exclaimed as a squirrel ran out of the bushes. “Incredible! Each feather is capable of an advanced illusion spell!!” He excitedly danced around me, lifting my wings and feet. “It seems the only parts not effected are his talons, beak, and eyes.” I blinked, feeling quite uncomfortable. “No, it seems even the eyelid has feathers on it. This is incredible, I have never seen a species like this before!!”
“Caaaaw!” I exclaimed as he got a little to close to my face.
“Starswirl, as much as I love your lectures, we really should continue towards Skytown.” Celestia stated. “We’ve already lost enough time as it is.”
“You're right Tia. As much as I would love to study this creature we must be on our way. Fare thee well.” He said to me before he and Tia turns away and started walking into the forest. Luna stared at me for a bit with sad eyes before Swirl called her. “Come along Luna, Skytown won’t stay this close for long.” With that she turned and ran into the woods away from me.
I sat there for awhile wondering what I was supposed to do now. I didn’t know how to get home. And I didnt really have anything I had to do. Was wandering around really the answer? Most likely not. I decided to do the most reasonable thing. I quickly took off and pushed myself above the trees. Once high enough, I turned in the direction the ponies went. Realizing I would be seen easily at this height, I focused on the sky and turned my feathers sky blue. A few of them even had wispy clouds moving across them.
Soon enough I caught up to the ponies and stopped flapping my wings. I watched them from above as I glided through the sky, only flapping my wings occasionally. I didn’t know what this ‘Skytown’ was. But my best bet to get home was to stick with the pony wizard.
i like it so far
Wait how big is he?
1. awww I hoped the teeth think was kind of a real thing.
2. He probably did a spell or something, but for a moment I didn't liked the thought of Starbeard the weird one, finding out about his feathers with just looking at it.
I try to give him a fair chance, for this and that reason I'm not a big fan of Starswirls, I mean I didn't liked his first appearance in the show and my hate mostly comes from the fact, that a while some authors didn't allowed any Unicorn to get somewhat strong, just because they didn't wanted them to be as good or better than Starswirls.
That is why I think I might as well give him a change here, but please try to do something unique with him and not only following only his personality from the show or other stories.
It's better than I thought, but starting with a story can be difficult sometimes, but after I got the first chapter done it is always slightly easier.
Few typos, but this chapter seemed a lot better paced than the first one!
You just did
P.S. AMAZING! FANTASTIC! BRAVO! AGAIN!
(It was Great Like the Idea!)
The poo filly
I'm enjoying this.
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Princess Poona
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Lol
You flubbed the tenses for the third sentence of the chapter, but I think it's just a typo.
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Fixed I think. It should be fixed. Yes, it’s fixed. Maybe. Probably.
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Nope, still says "sniffles" rather than "sniffled."
This is so interesting. I don't even notice your mistakes most of the time because I'm to busy being excited while reading it. I'm proud of you!
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Thanks!
Nice, I've had a similar idea for a while. Good job so far. Oh, spotted this
I think you mean even.
He learnt how to fly very easily but other then that I am enjoying it.
Nice cover for the inconsistency of the flying. It tells me you thought about it at least a little bit.
The whole killing/eating the rabbit and flying bit I would chalk up to pure instinctive programming. Hawks that have been trained and raise in human captivity will still kill small animals, simply because the act is too deeply ingrained.
You're
Hmmmm, bit fast-paced, so many things happening in so little time, not much time to react to the events. Slow down your writing a little, eh?
This is a bit different. Interesting.
> Your right Tia
you're. "Your" is for possession; "you're" is for you are.
also, it's 'fare thee well', not 'fare the well'
Very interesting.
Love it. So the human is gonna be Woona's pet?
Story so far seems interesting these first couple chapters, but deffinately feels 'amateurish'. Very raw, but not that it's a bad thing, especially if it's your first story. I would recommend getting an editor or someone to look through these earlier chapters to fix any writing mistakes, and to possibly look into fixing the pacing a little yourself.
One of the more common mistakes I noticed was that you say 'to' instead of 'too' in some sentences. Would also recommend looking up a thesaurus when looking for descriptive words. Personally I feel that fanfics make good brain fuel so throwing in some of the less common and/or more complex words to replace the common ones can spice up a story a little.
Biggest peeve/issue for me is a personal one, that being the story glances over a lot descriptors so outside of 'character does *x* thing' it can feel really dry to me. This is just a personal opinion though, and while dry bite sized chapters are much easier/enjoyable for me to read. At the very least you addressed briefly that the MC knowing how to fly was odd, but some examples of parts that seem weird to me is where he mentions not wanting to be hit by Starswirl again so he lands on the ground near him. I would find that a more appropriate response would be to either land in a nearby tree observe them while remaining in view before approaching closer, or to possibly hover in the air at a safe distance. Again, just personal taste on what I think a more appropriate/reasonable response would be so I may just be over thinking it.
I do hope that, since this chapter is several years old now, that the quality does improve later on at least. Can't deny that this is a good story idea and for a first pass/writing attempt that it's acceptable, just that any newer readers might drop it early on in the case that they don't want to get through the first several chapters until it (the quality) improves.
I'm interested, I think I will follow this one
Follow the logic of loony toons, it works until you start to question it... And then it no longer works