Griffin Hunting
The leaves crunched under our talons and claws as we walked through the thick forest. Midnight and I were in front, with three guards following behind us. The large Tasseler was feasting on a corpse just ahead of us. It looked like a large green wolf, but it’s head had four eyes instead of two. The two extra eyes were on its forehead, and instead of one tongue it had three long tentacle like appendages in its mouth. I believe it was the same type of creature we encountered the first time we came to the griffin lands.
CRACK! One of the guards stepped on a twig behind us. The beast’s four ears turned to us. “RAAAAAAAAH!” It shrieked as it's tongues shot out. I rolled right as a tendril shot by my head and wrapped around a guard. Midnight rolled left and pulled out a sword.
“HAH!” He yelled as he swung the sword in an arc, cutting off the tendril that was wrapped around the other griffon.
“REEEEEEEE!!” The Tasseler squealed as his tongue was severed. He lunged forward and tried to bite me, but i spun to the side and extended my wing blades into it's side. “REEEEEEee.” The tasseler gave one last squeal before falling silent. Midnight approached me beside the beast as the guards spread around the clearing.
“Haha! That was a wonderful hunt my friend!” He examined the cut I made across the Tasseler’s side. “I see you are well practiced with your blades. Better than some of my captains.” He turned and gave me a small smile. “I admire how well you suit the role of captain of the guard, even with your little experience.”
‘Thank you, and I admire how well you lead your kingdom. I have seen far worse leaders.’ I wrote for him to see. I didn’t fully trust him yet. But I could still be friendly. At least until I figured out what he was up to. Then I would crush him.
Midnight’s expression suddenly turned sad. “Unfortunately, I need to ask for you assistance with something. I hope you do not mind.” Oh boy. What does he need? He turned away from while he thought about what to say. “You see.” He started, staring at the dead animal beside us. “I....How do you think I should ask Luna to marry me?!” He blurted our in defeat. Luckily for me, no one was looking my way, as I barely managed to stop my talons an inch from his throat. I forced on a way too big smile as I slammed my talon back onto the ground. The temperature in the clearing dropped a few degrees, and frost formed around my claws.
‘I...am not sure how to answer that.’ I wrote on my wing. If writing could be written in a forced fashion, like talking through grit teeth, then that’s what my writing looked like at that moment. ‘Unfortunately I cannot help you with that matter. Perhaps you should just....’ I slapped myself repeatedly in my head for even participating in this conversation. ‘Be yourself?’
“Yes, perhaps.” He looked me in the eyes. “Thank you Night. I truly hope you can except me as family.” He turned and motioned for his guards to pack up the meat from our expedition.
‘Well, unfortunately, it seems I must be leaving.’ I stepped back and prepared to open a portal. ‘I do hope you understand. I enjoyed this adventure.’
“As did I Night. Besides, Luna and I have been sending letters to each other for nearly eight months. Her birthday is approaching, I plan to ask her then. I will see you on that day Night! May you have a peaceful return!” Midnight smiled at me. I smiled back as I opened a portal behind me and stepped through. As soon as it closed I dropped the smile and the entire forest clearing froze.
I hate being this unsure about something. Part of me wants to believe he is a good person. The other part doesn’t. Some nearby trees shattered as I thought it through. Finally, I sighed. There is no easy answer to this. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens. With that in mind, I took off and flew toward the castle.
One Week Later
Silver and I watched as ponies walked through the decorated streets of the Everfree. Everyone knew about Luna’s party. The ponies would use any excuse to celebrate something for the princesses. Even things they didn’t normally celebrate, such as birthdays. It was amusing in a way, what they would do for the princesses. And, in the middle of all this, was the platoon of griffins marching through the streets. Rumors were already circulating about why they were here. Most were far from the truth, but a few were close. Only I knew the real reason why, or what I hoped was the real reason. And I suspected Luna hoped they were here for what she thought they were here for.
“I don’t know Sir. I feel like something is going to happen. Something bad.” Silver said as she sat on the roof beside me. I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt the same way. Something is going to happen. I don’t know when, but it’s going to be bad.
‘It’s probably nothing.’ Silver glanced at my wing.
“Yeah.” She replies. “You’re most likely right.” Neither of us believed it, and we both knew the other was lying.
‘Come on, let’s go greet them at the castle door.’ I took off with Silver following me. We uneasily made our way to the door at the end of the main road. We both just hoped things wouldn’t get to bad.
Below us was Midnight, oblivious to the feelings of worry. He happily waved to ponies and smiled as he reach the front door. Here we go. I thought to myself as I pushed open the doors.
Third Person
Below the city, a large crystal tree pulsed in the dark. It went unnoticed by all as it prepared for the danger it sensed coming.
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GOOD LORD FINALLY
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR LITERAL MONTHS
I have trouble trying to figure out whose dialogue were in this chapter. Perhaps you could point out at the beginning of the paragraph?
I feel a sense of foreboding...
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/3a/Pinkie_Pie_suspicious_again_S5E1.png/revision/latest?cb=20150406110510
9380270
IKR?
9384259
IKR! Thank you! Btw it says it was put up tomorrow, where im from it is 11:54, lol XD
We’re going on a Griffin hunt we’ve gotta catch a big one
You made me wait too long, now I have to reread previous chapter to get context! Arg!
How much you want to bet he gets assassinated before the wedding?
Drama queens. some storied i have to wait years for new chapters. This one only weeks to months.
Prepare for epic battle!
Nightmare Moon maybe? No idea where we are in time at the moment.
(edit)
No, because all the people like the sisters, and lulu and tia were both adults at the time of NM.
Thanks for the update!
9384361
Right? This isn't nearly as bad as the Sweetie Chronicles.
9384443
i've actually made a folder specifically for stories that haven't updated in 3 years or more. I have a story that hasn't been updated since 2011.
This updated 20 seconds ago. I checked tracking 25 seconds ago.
Edit: Read, oh boy am I excited. Good job and thanks.
9384472
I have a folder like that too let me check if I can find something worse
(But I have to admit that I did not wait for most of the time because I joint this site somewhere around September 2017)
Discord time?
9384614
9384472
Unfortunatly (or fourtunatly ) I couldn't find anything that wasn't updated for longer back than 2014 so you won
9384646
Yeah, ive been trying to improve that.
9384717
I did that chapter title on purpose. XD I had so many people message me saying, ‘WHAT. YOUR ENDING THE STORY?’
9384361
Unfortunately, I to have to wait for such stories. I fear a few have been canceled. A few of them were what brought me to this site, and motivated me to write. I may have you beat on the update waiting though, lol. I know a few stories on fan fiction that I have been waiting for, for a loooong time.
9384730
Well, Harmony is not your average tree of harmony(snicker). Besides, I’ve never seen the tree of harmony do something in this way in another story. I was trying to be unique in my writing. You know, as unique as a HIe can be.
and once again the plot thickens
kkcdn-static.kaskus.co.id/images/2013/03/01/4581901_20130301013902.jpg
9384622
yay?
The only issue I have with these stories is the fact that their labeled incomplete instead of on hiatus or cancelled.
9385243
Yeah but most people think that as soon as a story is on haitus it is baiscly dead. (And in most cases this is actually true, people don't call it haitus hell for no reason). So most writers try to never use haitus to let the hope of an update live on.
But I agree with you, as soon as a writers notices that they will not be able to update for the, lets say hole next year, they should put it on haitus.
9384472
I just sort my read later folder by "last updated." I get on every few days and catch up with all the chapters that have come out. I have a lot of stories in that folder.
9384748
I always like it when stories are a little unique as long as it is not forced. I have seen stories try to stand out by trying to stay close to the show but totaly change the characters whithout any explanation. If you do this with characters that are not really clearly defined by the show or the story shows the character develop into the way they are shown / give an explanation why they are the way they are then I belive it it is completly fine and a good thing for a story to have.
I hope I did make sense and didn't punsch to many errors in there it's around 2 in the morning and I really should be sleeping
9385574
9385584
i have one story and i put it on hiatus because my computer decided that i was not worthy to use it and i'm saving up for a new one. using my phone is a bit annoying. especially with my eyesight problems.
Ps. I also don't really like never ending stories. after a while the chapter start lacking with any sorta progression. this leaves people with a wander if it will never end or if there is a point to each chapter. not that i don't like long stories, but never ending ones usually end up in my 'tracking folder until it's finished. but if i really enjoy a story that's still being written then it ends up in the tracking folder and the favorites folder.
PPs. my read it later folder usually holds any story that is complete, but has not been read yet, but interests me.
When you said there would be lurve this chapter, I was hoping it would be birb lurve. I wanna ship Night Wing with Philomena dangit
Also, I'm looking forward to everything going to chaos
9385770
(looks at night and philomena ship)
.........no
9385911
No Birb Lurve?
...She's just an animal, isn't she? I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I failed to consider any the many problems that particular pairing could face, including that phoenixes might not be fully intelligent creatures. Or that they might just not be compatible.
I'm probably better off for having my bubble burst.
so emotion cocktail: happy, glad, surprised and dread... happy a new chapter's out, glad Luna might get married soon, surprised that the tree is doing something, and dreading the drop of the other shoe. also great chapter
Everyone, let's boo at the author. Boo!! Boooooo!! You stink! You smell like wet hot summer garbage. You smell like inside of a boxing glove after 12 rounds!
9386295
ok i actually have an explanation for that, it was a one time thing caused by the amount of magic that killed him. his body registered as 'not existing anymore' so instead of fixing his body, or reappearing there, he made a completely new one.
9386434
why?
9387071
this may or may not be used against him in the future.. ( it totally will.)
9387075
To see how many cleaver stink jokes I can throw? I don't know. Was bored at the time. Sorry.
9387082
lol
9387085
Well, if you got a girlfriend/wife tell her one of the jokes I thrown. 100% she well laugh.
A nice, tension building, addition and I am most certainly eager for the next chapter. Thanks for the update Gravity.
When your late to the party so you bring the lions meat
Dang, caught up.
Well, the main issue I have with the story at the moment is the pacing and the show-dont-tell thing as stated in earlier comments. It’s honestly jarring reading a story like this, “X does this. Y does that. Z happens.” And the speed with which the story is going is a little bit disorienting.
There’s a lot of time skips, an excessive amount even, which just makes the pacing worse. Every chapter is its own isolated event and while that’s not inherently bad, each chapter is only about 1k words which isn’t a lot at all. This means that it’s skipping from one thing to another with no real time to process anything.
It’s a little bit unsustainable going st this pace. Sure, you can have one antagonist after another and repeat that process but with the pace as it is it’d just become frustrating.
I honestly think you should take into consideration “show don’t tell”. As far into the story as you are it will be confusing to slow down your pace abruptly, but you can still work to fix things and edit the story from chapter 1 to make it match the future pace as you go.
Other than the pacing issues there are some spelling and grammar errors, but they’re relatively minor to the point they’re mostly unnoticeable.
I haven’t really seen anything else.
9387992
Thanks for the help. :)
I haven’t been getting notified of these replies and only just noticed them, so going through them now starting with this one:
9384748
It’s all well and good being unique, but you’ve gotta bear in mind the character. It’s a Tree of Harmony, almost everything it does is in efforts to promote harmony. While recent episodes have shown it can be a bit... extreme, that’s still its goal. Seeing it create a character, invite the MC, offer no explanation and abruptly teleport and transform them practically screams “Discord!” as it’s more a thing he would do. Discord is out to promote chaos, even while reformed he loves promoting chaos, just not “true” chaos. He uses subterfuge, underhanded tricks, and generally doesn’t tell you what’s happening.
So it’s all well and good being unique with the interpretation of the character, but just bear in mind it still has to be recognisable as that character.
9387071
That doesn’t really make sense, and it’s still nothing like how a Phoenix regenerates. There should be no detection as to whether or not the body was destroyed, as - at least for a Phoenix - a new body is created regardless. As said, phoenixes turn to ash, doesn’t matter how they died (though some interpretations have their regeneration only occur at old age) it just happens.
My point still stands that Night’s regeneration is nothing like a phoenix, and frankly your explanation doesn’t make sense to me.
9389489
You’re welcome.
Woohoooooo! He lives!!!!!!!!
Also, what's about to happen?
9406049
Yes. Yes it is.