Chapter 11: Purrloining the Show
Chapter 11: Purrloining the Show
I’ve done some weird shit in my life.
Like running through town only wearing undies, trying to climb the T-Rex at the Museum of Natural History, or starting a barfight only equipped with a deck of cards and a set of fake teeth.
All of these situations had one thing in common.
Alcohol.
And lots of it.
Alcohol has more than once made me wake up in an alleyway somewhere, leaving me utterly confused as to where I was. Which is why waking up wet, cold, alone and screaming something about how ‘Polka will never die!’ was something I had tried before.
I sat up on the cold stone floor in the sewer. A leaking pipe had invaded the cavities in the floor, and made it a wannabe water-park. The floor was littered with debris and the minecart from earlier lay broken, a few meters from me.
I was cold, my head hurt worse than my internet bills had hurt my bank accounts back home, and soaked to the bone in sewer water. I had enough coherence to urk at the latter. All in all, an average Sunday morning after a night’s out.
The dress was new to me though.
Looking down, I found myself wearing a frilly pink ballerina skirt. I had enough leftover coherence to urk at that as well. I stood up, wobbling slightly, and tried to get the skirt off of me.
I couldn’t.
Trying to take it off resulted in me letting out a small hiss of pain as something resembling glue made the pink fabric stick to my furr.
“What a way to start the day,” I mumbled. “Hey Rocko? Where are we...? Rocko?”
I looked around me and found nobody. Looking up, I could see the hole in the ceiling a good distance above myself.
“The hell happened?”
I did what Winnie the Pooh would do in my situation (although, I doubt he’d ever wake up as a cat in a sewer, wearing a skirt)...I began thinking like I’d never thought before.
~~~ Flashback ~~~
I grinned at the baffled crowd.
Somewhere within me, I was overjoyed that this had actually worked. Another part of me was rolling on the floor at my own genius fusion of a Double Dragon reference with the Warthog theme. The last part of my mind was trying to make me remember something important. No clue what it was.
“So,” Rocko said. “How do we get outta here?”
...Well played brain, well played.
I laughed nervously. “Still working out the kinks.” I scratched my face.
Rocko looked at me with a blank face, still holding the unconscious Lilly in his arms. “You haven’t got a clue, do ya?”
I gave him a flat look. “See? This is why I don’t do plans. I always forget a small detail here and there.”
“It’s the entire second half of da plan!”
“Details.” I gestured dismissively with a wave of my paw. I looked at Insanu and waved at him. “Hi there.”
“Who the heck are you?” he asked with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He looked at the minecart and back to me a few times, trying to piece the events of what had just happened together in his mind. His eyes seemed to finally land on the crude text on the front of the cart. “So? You thought you could stop me... Billy and Jimmy?”
I was just about to correct him, but he didn’t let me. “WELL THINK AGAIN!”
Rocko leaned close to me. “Should we tell ‘im?”
I scratched my chin in thought. "Hmm... nah." Rocko shrugged in return and jumped onto the floor beside the cart.
Insanu seemed to have gotten over his hissy-fit, which admittedly scared me somewhat. If what Rocko told me about the hit was true, then he was a hell of a lot smarter than he looked... which isn't saying a lot really.
He's a squirrel with those funny hypno-glasses for god's sake. He's less of a supervillain and more of something you'd find on the front-page of Reddit. I need to take a picture. Oh the amount of upvotes I'd get from it... I'm rambling again, I'll move right along.
"So," Insanu began his diabolical dialogue. "You thought you could stop me; the great and powerful Ins-"
I cleared my throat. "Taken."
"What?"
"Title's taken, can't use that."
"Oh, ehm... 'The Grand'?"
"And have every hero make fun of your size? Try again," I deadpanned.
Insanu seemed lost in thought for a minute before snapping his paw."'The Incredible!'"
"A bit generic, but it works."
"Right then, now where was I? Oh yes; so you, yadda yadda yadda, The Incredible Insanu? Ha! That will be the day where princess Luna wears undergarments!"
I think I heard a cricket drop a pin somewhere.
~~~Canterlot Castle~~~
Luna felt a shudder down her spine. She looked around her, wondering if there was a draft somewhere in her room.
~~~Baltimare Sewers~~~
Insanu let out a tired sigh. "I'm gonna have to think up some better analogies, aren't I?"
"Yeah..." I cringed. “You’re new to this aren’t you?”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” he muttered.
"Ah. So..." I gestured in the direction of the still baffled crowd. "Pay by hour standard issue goons?"
"Minor hypnosis actually," he said, looking rather proud of himself. "They don't even know that they're following orders."
"Ooh, that's good. That's good." There was an awkward silence between us. "So you've gotten yourself situated nicely down here. Installed any lasers yet?"
He crossed his arms and tilted his head. "Haven't thought about it yet. I'm more of a 'do-it-yourself' kinda guy, you know." I nodded understandingly. "Think that I should?"
"Well I think it's standard issue for any mad scientist. Might wanna have a professional look at it; those lasers needs to be calibrated you know."
"Ah. Will do." He shook his head. “Wait a minute! I see your cunning ploy feline!”
I rose an eyebrow. "You do?"
"Yeah, you're trying to get information on my plans!"
My other eyebrow rose now. "I am?"
He began circling the minecart I was still sitting on, like a predator. "You're a smart one aren't you?"
"I barely know what 'ploy' means!" I cried out, throwing my paws in the air. "I only just arrived two minutes ago!"
"Oh yeah? Then I bet you didn't expect this!" He stomped the ground which made a lever appear out of the ground at his feet. He pulled it and the ground beneath the minecart shake. I let out a sigh.
"I should really have seen that coming." I turned to Rocko. "You should probably move back a bit."
He took a few steps back and the last thing I remember is the minecart and moi, falling through le trapdoor into la darkness de long way down.
Viva la gravity!
~~~ Flashback End ~~~
So if I fell down the pit, then why... I looked behind me and saw a notice-sign on the wall with the words:
Bottomless pit - Under construction
Several long minutes went past in silence, as I stared at the sign in disbelief. My gaping mouth slowly turned into a shit-eating grin and I burst out laughing. I knew that Rocko and Lilly were most likely in danger and I had to help them, but wow! I was full of adrenaline! Ever tried crossing the street and almost get hit by a car? Then afterwards you're standing on the sidewalk, laughing from the adrenaline, and the feeling of being alive follows you for the rest of the day. You listen to the birds and smell the flowers.
I tried to smell the flowers and it was a foul smell.
Oh right, sewers.
I rose and looked at one of the old tunnels in front of me, with an incredible amount of swagger. Dusting off my shoulder, I split a grin on my face.
“Oh Insanu, you’ve done it now. I’ll show you what happens when someone takes my friends. I’ll let you experience the true meaning-UH SOMETHING SHINY!” With that, I took off into the dark tunnel.
...I never did find out what was up with the skirt.
Rocko slowly woke up. The sharp light from overhead hurt his eyes as he opened them. His entire body and mind felt relaxed to a degree he had never felt before. He simply wanted to continue lying here in the comfort, completely free of worries. Had he died? Was this heaven?
A shadow appeared between him and the light. Insanu grinned. “Good morning.”
“HEAVEN SUCKS!” Rocko shouted in surprise.
Insanu stumbled backwards at the sudden outbreak. Rocko could hear things falling in the direction that Insanu had jumped, but found himself unable to move his head. A strap held his head tightly facing up. Insanu peeked over Rocko again, a few stray wires across his shoulders.
“That was incredibly rude shouting in my face like that, you know,” he scoffed.
“RUDE?!” Rocko shouted, dumbfounded. “Ya were the one tah kidnap me, strap me onto a table and then scare da everlivin’ shit outta me and I’M the one being rude?!”
“Of course when you put it like that it might sound bad-” Rocko scowled at him. “Okay, it’s bad regardless of how you put it, but this is what evil scientists make their bread and butter on.” Insanu produced a noteblog from a table behind him. “How’s the straps by the way? Do you get the sense of dread? Do you fear for your life? Getting a feeling of claustrophobia yet?”
Rocko raised an eyebrow at the evil squirrel genius. “Ehm... gettin’ a bit uncomfortable I guess... nuttin’ more.”
Insanu looked up from his notes. “No fear, dread or even the need to yield to my superiority? No nothing?”
“Nope.”
“Gonna have to get my bits back from that crook then. Oh well, it’s a learning experience.” He pressed a button under the table which released Rocko’s head, enabling him to look around the room. Vials of various questionable colors and odd shapes filled the tables, sending smoke into the air. Bunsen burners stood at the ready, one heating what seemingly looked like a coffee pot. Tubes and wires seemed to almost replace the walls, sending liquids and gas to wherever Insanu needed it.
It was a bomb waiting to blow.
“Impressed?” Insanu asked hopefully.
“I would if ah knew what half of these things did...” Rocko answered dumbly.
Quicker than Pinkie Pie imitating a Mexican radio host on caffeine trying to explain to his angry wife where his last paycheck went, Insanu began scrambling around the lab, explaining this and that object. Rocko couldn’t care less and tried to wiggle out of his restrains.
“Don’t even bother,” a voice came from his side. “You won’t get free from that I’m afraid.”
Rocko turned to look and found Lilly strapped down like himself. Rocko grinned madly. “Lilly! You’re okay!”
Lilly smiled sadly. “I guess that’s arguable, but I’m alive yeah. Never mind me, what are you doing down here? Did anything happen top-side?”
“Well, da boss got outta Monkey’s prison and we’re trying to get some of the guys back in da gang, ya know?”
“...I feel like you’re keeping something from me.”
“Oh, and an alien using illusions from another dimension is trying tah help me.”
Lilly stared at Rocko in silence for a minute. “Next time, just tell me that the sun exploded or something. It would certainly be easier to believe. Do you think that he can help us?”
“Ehm...” Rocko thought back on the time he’d known Jazz. “Everything’s relative ya know...Ya should come back up Lil Lil, weird things are happening all the time recently. Just ya game.”
Lilly rolled her eyes. “Sure, if we survive this I’ll give it a go, Richard.”
Rocko winced. “Don’t call me that!”
“Then don’t call me that stupid nickname either!”
“OK!”
“OK!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“Good lord, I’ve caught a married couple.” Insanu muttered between the tables, having finished his rounds in the lab somewhere around ‘aliens’.
“WE’RE NOT A COUPLE!” Both Lilly and Rocko shouted in unison, making Insanu flinch.
“Alright, alright, shut up! I’ve had enough of your complaining Jimmy!”
“...That’s not-”
“Shut up!”
“But-”
“Shh!”
“B-”
“SHH!”
Rocko opened his mouth, only for Insanu to scowl at him. Realizing that he probably wouldn’t change Insanu’s mind, Rocko let it go with an exasperated expression.
“Now,” Insanu began. “It is time for the fun to begin!” He pulled a lever on a panel and the ceiling above Rocko opened up. Sunlight began shining down on him. Insanu began pressing buttons furiously and a giant wall of glass slowly began sliding over the hole.
“Did you really make a giant magnifying glass Insanu?” Lilly asked incredulously as she stared at the contraption. “I mean, really? A giant magnifying glass?”
“Of course!” Insanu hollered victoriously. “People will never see it coming!”
“So... what now?” Rocko asked confused.
The light that hit the table between Rocko’s legs produced a small flame, which slowly began travelling closer and closer to Rocko. “Now, you’re probably gonna feel a little warmth in a minute.” Insanu began laughing madly as he reached for another lever on the wall with the symbol of a turtle and a bunny in the other end.
Rocko finally understood what was gonna happen and he didn’t like it one bit. “So ya expect me tah burn?”
Insanu stopped as he put his paw on the lever. “No, Mr. Jimmy. I expect you to fry!” He was just about to pull the lever, but then...
To Be Continued...
...Right now.
*Boom*
“What was that?” Insanu asked.
Lilly looked around the room. “No clue.”
*Boom*
“Is it coming closer?”
*Boom*
“I think so...”
“What is it?”
Rocko grinned as a realization dawned upon him. “I think ah know.”
*pant* *pant* *pant*
“-and this one.”
Insanu ran to Rocko’s side and stared at him from behind his swirly-glasses. “What? What is it?!” he asked frantically. Whatever it was it couldn’t be anything nice.
“Just a up ahead. This right ‘ere...”
Rocko smirked. “Oh you’ll see.”
“Aaannnd, last one. Now for the door.”
The door slammed open as a black cat wearing a yellow safety-helmet and a frilly pink ballerina skirt entered, laughing his furry little ass off. As the dust settled, he took a few steps forward and dropped a long brown bag onto the floor.
"Hello, building inspector here. I'm here to check up on the structure regulations around here."
“What da heck took ya so long?!” Rocko shouted from his table.
Alfred, Insanu’s owl butler, came in from behind Jazz. “Sir, I am dreadfully sorry that I couldn’t stop him. When I asked him to halt, he simply responded with, and pardon my language, ‘Fuck da police’. He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.”
Jazz giggled merrily as Insanu pinched his temples. “Ugh, walking down that hallway is gonna give me such a headache now."
“Hoh boy, you won’t believe the adventure I’ve had while you were gone Rocko. Look at this hat! It’s a hat-” Jazz tapped on the rim of the helmet and it turned into a black bowler-hat. “That turns into other hats! It’s every TF2 player’s wet dream! Also, never trust directions from a drunken sewer rat.”
Insanu drew a cylinder from the table and pointed it at Jazz. “Don’t come any closer. I have technology and I’m not afraid to use it!”
Jazz grinned at him.
“Remember that analogy you used earlier Insanu? About when I would stop you? Well... I see Coltron, I see Prance. I see Luna’s-”
~~~Canterlot Castle~~~
Luna felt yet another shudder run down her spine.
“Are you OK Luna?” Celestia asked concerned, relieved for the small interruption of a particularly pompous noblespony.
“I may have caught something dearest sister. I shall leave you to your duties and retire to my quarters for a rest.”
Celestia gazed longingly after Luna as she left the royal courtroom. The noblespony gave a low cough and Celestia tried her best to smile at him. “Why did you leave me Lulu?”
~~~Baltimare Sewers, Insanu’s Lab~~~
“Now to continue the building inspector-joke from before...” Jazz reached into the bag and drew out an oversized mini-gun. “Let’s talk insurance.”
I'm so very sorry for taking this long to write this chapter here. Real life snuck up on me and I suddenly had a lot of things to do...
...And I'm just a lazy son of a female canine with writer's block-issues.
Special thanks to Nathan Traveler for proofreading, seeing as my usual proofreader The Producer, is sadly sick at the moment. Also, have you seen my sweet new coverart? Made by the one and only inoeitall.
I promise that the next chapter won't be too far into the future. I have a few plans for it that should make it a bit faster to get out.
See ya next time~
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that gif
Apologies, I have to go uninstall Team Hattress 3 now that it can never compare to the description of the fabled cover you have put to words. *salutes*
Let's see... Hoodwinked reference? Check. Muppets from Space reference? Check. Keeping calm and continuing to be awesome? Waiting for you to keep doing that, since that's an ongoing process...
Anyone catching doctor Insano(Insanu) here.
2257498
is that from the old sabrina tv show?
2259115
Effectively using a Hellsing Ultimate Abridged reference...F### Yeah!
wow and I thought I did too many references in one chapter....
Best laugh I had all day! Brilliant!
2259115
Don't forget Dresden Files:
("Polka will never die!" is the mantra Harry gives to coroner and polka fan Waldo Butters when Butters is shown proof of the supernatural... by being in Dresden's apartment when it's assaulted by a veritable army of zombies. All of which are trying to take Butters alive so that the necromancer can obtain information that would let him absorb the life of nearly every living thing in Chicago and become a god.)
....So...Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog, TF2, and I'm pretty sure there was another reference somewhere in there....
I love it
So much fake French.
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5459-twilight_my-mouth-is-full-of-vomit-and-FRIENDSHIP-n1296015928770-1.jpg