Some people gets to Equestria as a 6ft tall cat-warrior... and then there's Jazz.
'Do you want to go to Equestria?' Simple question, simple answer. Of course I do. Now, things didn't turn out quite the way I expected.
Let me explain something for you: In Equestria there exists a race of cat people. Usually around 5-6ft tall, agile and pretty strong to boot. Me? I got the short end of the feline-stick...
This is my story, as Jazz the cat.
(Set in the universe of 'Chess Game of the Gods', originally created by Rust and Blackwing, expanded by the fans). This is just for me to relax and write something funny for you to enjoy. Hope you like it.
“So let me get this straight; you’re giving me the chance to go to Equestria?”
OK, when a guy suddenly appears in my bathroom offering me a one-way trip to the land of magical ponies, I usually try to call the police. I would have, mind you, had I not witnessed him come out of my showerhead just a minute ago. I mean, what do you say to something like that?
“Yes, that is exactly what I am saying, young one.” He said, with an amused undertone to his voice.
Right… I need a moment for this to sink in. In the meantime, let me introduce myself. My name is Kasper. No, I’m not a ghost. My name is spelled with a ‘K’. I live in the proud cough-cough land of Denmark. I live a pretty decent life in my opinion; I’ve got a few friends, a nice family, a well-paid job and a nice little apartment in inner Copenhagen. All in all a normal life.
My only problem though is the routine I’ve found myself in. I don’t really visit my family or hang out with friends (the curse of having friends all over the country) and my job is pretty ‘meh’. I wake up, go to work, get home, get online and go to bed. Boring as all hell. So an adventure in Equestria? Well sure I guess, but is this guy the real deal? As a matter of fact…
“Who are you?” You know, that SHOULD have been my first question instead of ‘Why are you wearing a suit in my shower?’ Neat, long curly blond hair, pale yet healthy-looking skin and a simple dark-blue suit with a tie… doesn’t exactly scream ‘Hello, I just came out of your freaking showerhead!’ now does it?
“You may call me Morpheus, young one.”
OK, so either I’m talking to the Greek god of dreams or I’m in the Matrix. I have a hard time deciding which sounds more awesome… or which is more unbelievable.
“Look, this is all well and good, but…” Did I forget to say why I was in the bathroom to begin with? I’ll give you a hint: ‘Number 2’.
“Yes young one?”
“I need a little time to think about that and I don’t think the bathroom is the proper place to have this conversation to begin with, especially considering my situation at the moment. So, uh, could you…” I gestured towards the door.
“Oh yes, of course. I forget the nature of mortals sometimes; I shall leave you to your business at once.” Then he promptly flew through the door, not bothering to open it.
Granted this would have made me shit my trousers, but… well you get the idea right?
After having finished my ‘business’, I made my way to the living room, ignoring the Greek god that was seated in my couch sipping tea, and sat down in my favorite chair. “So, what’s the catch?”
“The ‘catch’ young one?” He tilted his head to one side with a look of confusion.
“Yeah, usually when a god or of the like wants to give you something, aren’t you supposed to give something in return? Even if we weren’t talking godly business, there must be a reason that you’d go out of your way to send me to another world. What would you gain from this?”
He continued sipping his tea for a minute while looking thoughtful. After a while of consideration, he let out a small sigh. “I understand your concern young one. If you are to accept my deal, you should know what it entails.”
He got to his feet and walked to the window. Now my apartment doesn’t have the greatest view of inner Copenhagen, I’d have to own a penthouse (which I’m nowhere nearly rich enough to afford) to have something even resembling a view. As a matter of fact, Morpheus was looking at the wall of the building next to mine. Not that it seemed to bother the guy all too much.
“My deal is for you to go to Equestria as my champion.” I was just about to stop him right there, but he held up a hand, signaling me to keep quiet. “I realize that you might not be the strongest human being to become my champion, but fret not, you are not to be fighting.”
A non-fighting champion? What, am I gonna go play the Sandman?
Morpheus let out a chuckle, “No no, young one, not as a keeper of dreams. That is my job.” Oh great, he can read minds! Should have known. “No, let me explain the situation properly.”
He closed his eyes and the room seemed to darken considerably. “In the world of Equestria, a game has been set in motion by the god of chaos known as Discord. He himself has brought a champion to the world, a champion to bring chaos. Other gods saw this and began sending their own champions, all humans, to Equestria, in the shapes of Diamond Dogs, cat-people, dragons, etcetera... I cannot tell you the rules of this game, as that is against our limitations, but the winner of the game gets a prize beyond his wildest dreams… which is saying something coming from the god of dreams, do you not agree?” He turned his head towards me. I couldn’t help but nod when I heard the playful tone in his voice.
“Now, here comes my problem. I do not care for the prize, nor earthly possessions or power. I need material for my dreams, I need inspiration. This game is a cluster of chaos and inspiration for me and I simply cannot stay out of it. But as it stands, I cannot simply observe the game without having my own champion.” Aha, that’s what he’s going for. “I needed someone with a lust for adventure, someone who could survive without having to fight. I needed someone like you.”
“Excuse me, if I may?” He smiled and nodded. “What do you mean ‘without having to fight’? You’re a god, aren’t you? Shouldn’t you be able to give me a weapon or something?”
At my question he became oddly quiet, heck, he seemed almost embarrassed. “No, I am afraid I cannot. I am the god of dreams, I hold no destructive powers. If you are to go, you will go with the power of dreams, powers which you will have to find mostly for yourself, but with a few hints from me. I cannot offer you any more than that.”
“So you’re sending me as an observer? A spectator if you will?”
His smile seemed to widen a bit. “Yes, exactly. But, you may do as you please, involve yourself in the happenings in any way you can or want to. Unfortunately with your powers, you will not be as strong as a real player, as that is not your purpose to begin with.”
I sat back in my chair. Could this actually be real? This is almost too good to be true. I just need one more question answered. “So, what you’re asking me,” I could almost feel my grin widen to an almost comical proportion. “Is to go to Equestria, and have fun?”
Apparently we’re on the same level here, as his grin suddenly got huge as well. “Indeed young one. I get the material I need and you get the adventure of a life-time. I believe this is what you humans call a ‘Win-win’ situation.”
Oh yeah, I like this guy. “I’m in; I’ll gladly be your champion Morph!”
He held out his hand and we shook. “Then, young one… Sleep…
The last thing I remember is my already darkened living room becoming even darker.
So as it stands right now, I’ve either been kidnapped and sold to someone, or I’ve really gone to Equestria. In any case, I don’t think that I want to stand up for a while. It’s not that I’m hurting or anything, but this ray of sunshine is very comfy on my stomach right now.
My body feels weird though… wait, he never said that I’d keep my human body, did he? I’ve read some of that fanfiction about humans going to Equestria and become ponies. Wonder if I’m a pony?
But to figure that out means that I’d have to get up, doesn’t it? OK, opening eyes in Three… Two… One… Action… Eyelids, that was your cue. Ah, there we go, slow and steady.
Blue sky, low-hanging clouds, oh look, a pegasus just flew by me, I think. Yep, it’s Equestria. Excuse me while a take a moment to hold back my squee of joy.
Right, next cause of action: Stand up!
Let me see, I’m on my back so I should probably roll over first and then- I fell about fifteen feet down from the roof I was laying on, straight down in a pile of trash.
“Son of a bi-“ I stopped mid sentence. This is one huge pile of thrash isn’t it? As a matter of fact, that house looks pretty big as well. Who lives there? A duke? No, not ‘fruh-fruh’ enough. It looks pretty normal, as a matter of fact. Perhaps I should just stop thinking about that until I’ve figured out my new body.
Oh hey, I have paws! I think Morpheus said something about ‘cat-people’. Maybe I’m something like a Khajiit? That could be kinda cool! I wonder how I look?
What happened next came as one of the biggest surprises in my entire life. I tried to stand up, I really did, only to fall down again. “I’m… I’m a quadruped…”
- Quadruped.
- Feline.
- Everything around me is huge.
*loading*
*loading*
*Ding*
I let out the loudest shout of frustration I could, which came out as a loud “MMMEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW!”
No, I’m totally not sulking, why’d you ask? I could have been a freaking Khajiit or something like that, but nooooo, I had to become a regular cat! I know I’m not a real ‘player’ or ‘piece’ in this game, but couldn’t I at least have a different form than a kitty?! There’s no way I can look badass as a cat, you all know this. Cats are either caught looking either funny or cute. I believe that’s universally accepted. Granted, I have nothing against ‘cute’, but a Diamond Dog could have been nice, or perhaps Gryphon.
“Sigh. I’ll take what I can get I guess. Lemme see; black fur, a little white dot on the end of my tail (god that’ll take some getting used to) and white fur on my stomach.” At the very least I can bring bad luck to other people.
Walking on four legs takes some getting used to, but it’s not at all as hard as the fanfic-writers makes it out to be. Yeah, I’m not going to outrun anyone until I get a bit more used to having another set of legs, but I can at least walk at a normal pace.
It seems like I’m in a small town. I can’t see any houses or places I recognize from the show, so I don’t think this is Ponyville. This is somewhat of a problem, as I’m not familiar with the geography of Equestria. Hell, now that I think about it, I might not even be in Equestria. I may be in another country or something. I don’t think Equestria involves the entire world here. If so, the first thing to do would be getting a map.
But first! I can smell fish! Oh my god, I never realized how good fish smells! I think I’ve got some cat-instincts as well as the body of one. Sniff-sniff. I think the prize of the hunt is just around the corner!
I begin to run (which is more of a slow jog, or the cat-equivalent of a jog) down the street. Surprisingly, the street wasn’t just filled with ponies, but I believe I saw a few D-Dogs as well as a couple gryphons.
Diversity is the spice of life I guess, but I’m definitively not in Equestria right now. Perhaps- HELLO! Fish ahead! My slow jog gets a tad quicker at the sight of this magnificent cold table. I climb up a few conveniently stacked boxes and step onto the table of fish.
There she is, the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. A big nice mackerel! I slowly slid closer to it, and can you guess what I did? Can you possibly fathom what I did? I hugged the shit out of that mackerel! I swear, these instincts are too strong.
After a little while of rubbing my cheek against the mackerel (don’t judge me) I looked up to find a cream-colored mare standing with an amused smile on her face. At least she found this funny, because the owner of the stand didn’t.
The owner (I think I’ll call him ‘Fishy’) leaned his face close to mine and said in the gruffest voice I’ve ever heard, “What do you think you’re doing?”
Now here’s the thing. I’m a cat. People don’t expect cats to talk back at them, and Fishy was no different (viva la revolution!). “Could you go away please? This is kinda an intimate moment between me and the lady.” Fishy and the mare’s eyebrows went sky-high at my speech.
Fishy finally got a sentence together. “But… but… You give me back that fish!”
I gasped. The audacity of this guy! “How dare you my good sir?! How DARE YOU?! I will never let you have her! NEVER!” I put the mackerel in my mouth and started running as fast as my little legs could, down the street. It seems it was a three-way drama, as Fishy started to run after me, intent on getting his product back.
Fun fact: Running comes natural when you’re fleeing from someone, and boy was I fleeing. For a fisherman (fisherpony?) Fishy was FAST! “YOU GET BACK HERE YOU DAMN CAT!” Holy crap, do I spot fire in his eyes? Cartoony escape, I need you!
I rounded a corner and stuck close to the wall. “Oh please let the physics work like in cartoons!”
I stuck out a backleg.
Stupid I know, but I’m not known for being smart. But here’s where it gets interesting. Fishy, somehow, got tripped by my leg, flew forwards into a banana-stand, which then started rolling down the street.
…I’ll be honest with you; I did NOT expect that to work.
“But for now!” I held the mackerel with a leg behind it, leaning my face close to the fish. With my best French accent, I whispered, “Now, mon aimé, let me… Devour you~”
Not all relationships lasts forever. Me and Mackerella’s relationship would probably only last for a few more hours… as long as it takes for me to digest her.
I’ll freely admit that, that was the strangest thing I’ve ever done. Can’t say the fish wasn’t extremely delicious though! It might just have been the best thing I’ve eaten for ages. Too much junk-food over the years made this meal all the more pleasant.
So, I still don’t know where I am, or in this case, where I was. Yeah, I didn’t wanna wait around for Fishy’s banana-fun to be over. No, I joined a small caravan going to Baltimare (aka, I jumped onto one of the wagons), a place which name I DID know. Yeah, I didn’t exactly know where in Equestria it was, but hey, it’s IN Equestria, right? I just have to go from there. Maybe find a map or something.
Having figured out the difficult matter of ‘running your ass off!’ I’ve set my focus on my gross motor skills. Moving each… (note to self, learn proper cat-anatomy) ‘toe’ of my paw, wasn’t too hard. After having fiddled a bit with them, I was able to pick up smaller things.
I’m going awfully fast with this whole learning process, aren’t I? I know humans don’t learn to walk until they’re a few years old and kittens at least a few months. I essentially did it in 15 minutes (and a chase-scene that would make Benny Hill proud) or so.
Looking out from the back of the caravan wagon, I looked at the night sky.
Back on Earth, when I was but a little lad, I lived in the country-side. Out there you could easily see the stars, a luxury I didn’t have while living in Copenhagen. Imagine the prettiest looking night sky you can think of. Imagine the Milky Way and a few of the constellations. Imagine there not being a single cloud to hinder your view of the stars. Try to imagine this beauty, it’s not that hard. Now take this star-filled sky, and multiply its beauty by at least four. Damn, Princess Luna does a magnificent job with the sky.
Looking around the cart, I noticed a big mirror. I haven’t actually gotten a good look at myself, have I? Time to fix tha- Hello handsome! Well, my first idea was correct, I’m black. And while my facial features wasn’t all too surprising, except for my eyes being a big bigger than a normal cat’s, it was the color of them that struck me most. ‘Heterochromia iridium’ yes, I’m very proud of myself for knowing that word. It simply means having two-colored eyes. My left eye was a light blue while the right eye was green. I retract my statement; I CAN look badass as a kitty-cat!
After a little more studying of my body (and a little impromptu victory dance because of the eyes), I decided that kitty needs a name. ‘Kasper the Cat’, while sounding hilarious, wasn’t what I was looking for. It’s a new life, new body, so a new name should be in order.
…
…Wow, this is harder than I thought. It’s only the name you’re gonna use for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! No pressure or anything!
“I need to sleep on it.” I mumbled to myself, trying not to alert the driver of the wagon. One thing I quickly noticed was how awkward it was for me to sleep as a normal cat would do. I simply started with that position, seeing how so many other things had come naturally already, but it didn’t ‘fit’.
“Screw it!” I murmured, and let myself fall backwards onto the pile of rags I had thrown together as a make-shift bed, letting my limbs sprawl out. “Yeah, that’s the stuff.”
I soon found myself in a deep, comfortable sleep.
When you dream, you find yourself doing something. It can be anything really. But the thing is, you can never remember how you got there. At least that’s what Inception taught me, but this was different. I knew I was dreaming. Nothing stood out in the amphitheater, the sky wasn’t red as blood, and even though I was in my human body, I was still wearing my pants. All in all, this could easily have been a normal vacation to Greece for all I knew. Here’s the thing though; as I just said, you can’t remember how you got there. I knew that I hadn’t gotten here at all. I had just ‘appeared ‘ here… It’s hard to explain, but Morpheus is sitting next to me here with a smile on his face… you’re listening to my thoughts again, aren’t you?
“Indeed I am young one. So, how is your new life?”
I grimaced. “I don’t know… you could have warned me about the whole cat-thing.”
He let out a laugh before leaning back on the steps we were sitting on. “I probably should have warned you, but tell me, are you not satisfied with the body?”
Was I? Well, I’ve always liked cats and I DID look decent. “Well, I can’t say I’m not, really.” I swore that his smile became wider. “But what about the whole ‘power of dreams’ thing you talked about?”
“Ah yes, your abilities. As a matter of fact, it is why I am here.” He took out an apple from a little bowl I hadn’t seen before now. “I shall attempt to make you understand what a dream is.”
I gestured for him to continue, this actually sounded pretty interesting. “A dream is a collection of sensations given to your mind to process. It is my duty to fit these sensations into dreams for the mortals to interoperate, but that is not important in your case. Tell me; are you aware of the 5 senses?” he said, while looking at the apple.
“Ehm, yes. Taste, hearing, touch, seeing and smell, right?”
“Yes, it is these senses that are manipulated in a dream. Here, catch.” He tossed me the apple. I don’t know much about the different types of apples, but from what I remember of my time back on the farm, this was a McIntosh. “Take a bite young one.”
The apple tasted like any other apple in my opinion. Perhaps a bit juicier, but nothing else. “It’s an apple.” I deadpanned.
Morpheus shook his head and stared at me with a small smile. “Yes, but what do you get from it?”
“I…” I started out but stopped myself. The 5 senses... Aha! “I can taste the apple?” Morpheus’s eyes lit up and his warm smile got wide once more. He nodded eagerly for me to continue. “I can smell it, I can feel it in my hand, I can hear the crunch when I bite in it and I can see the colors of it.”
Morpheus began clapping slowly, never losing his smile and composure. Seriously, he’s like that one really nice teacher you had back in school. “Yes, you understand young one. That is how the 5 senses work, but there is one thing you must understand. Take another bite please.”
I did and I had to stop myself from spitting it out again. “What the?! Tomatoes?” I HATE tomatoes! I really, really, really, really HATE tomatoes! And not just my disgust for the vegetable, but it was also the surprise that the taste came from the apple that made me confused. “But… just a moment ago it tasted like an apple… wait…”
I looked at Morpheus who now had a stoic look on his face. “This was your doing, you changed the taste. You messed around with my sense of taste. You cheeky bugger!” OK, calling the god of dreams a ‘cheeky bugger’ perhaps wasn’t the greatest of my ideas seeing as I was currently in his domain, but hey, he laughed.
“Hahahahaha, yes! It was indeed my doing. This is how dreams work. You can always change how everything works here. The same can be said about your powers.”
“Ohpopopo, hold the freaking phone here! Are you telling me that I can change reality?!” Holy crap, oh for the love of god (especially Morpheus in this case), please let that be my power!
Morph’s smile reduced, “No, I am afraid not.” Damn it! “You can only change it in according to the dream-world. Make people see what you want them to see, hear what you want them to hear, etcetera.”
“So… it’s a kind of illusion then?” Admittedly, that’s pretty cool too.
“Yes, but I am afraid I cannot tell you any more, young one. Dawn beckons and we have little time left. How to use these powers are for you to figure out.” The sun over the amphitheater had gradually descended, probably signaling the end of the dream. Morpheus got up and gave me a last smile. “One last word of advice; Whenever you should find yourself in a fight, remember this; ‘Hidden in truths lie lies, hidden in lies hides the truth’
And with that, he turned and shimmered into nothingness. The last words I remember saying before I woke, was:
I awoke with a “mew”, to the wagon hitting a rock in the road, making the entire cart bump. …Did I just mew? Holy crap that sounded adorable! I’m gonna be addicted to this whole cat-thing soon, aren’t I?
The dream with Morpheus was still clear in my head. Illusions, huh? I guess he was right when he said that I wouldn’t be as strong as a real player. Yes, illusions can be dangerous I know, but the harsh reality is that illusions can’t hurt you physically. Granted I could still do quite some harmful things to the mind, but I believe that’s still a high-tier for me.
“So ehm… How do I do this? Dammit Morph, this is the one thing that I’d love for you to tell me!”
What followed next deserved its own montage. I tried everything! OK, perhaps not everything, but everything from waving my paw or holding a stick, like a wizard, to quoting what little I could from the bible and doing voodoo dances. Nothing worked. “If this is some Zen ‘find your inner strength’ bullshit, I’m gonna be so pissed…” I said, slumping down.
Here are a few questions for you. What animal do you think sleeps most of the day? Who do you think loves his sleep? What do you think I did next? Yup, I slept until noon. I’ve always had trouble with oversleeping, and my new cat form didn’t help me. It’s just so… nice. Thankfully I didn’t have another dream including Morph; I guess the guy has other stuff to do.
I once more awoke to a bump in the road. Only difference this time was that we had stopped for some reason. Were we in Baltimare already? Either that and Blatimare is the city of screams, or we’re getting attacked by bandits!
Note to self: Ponies scream loudly. Cats have sensitive ears. Watch out.
“Ow~” I held my hurting ears and peeked out on the road. Apparently a group of Diamond Dogs was rounding up the ponies from the caravan with chains. They can’t just be your everyday bandits can they? It doesn’t look like they have any particular interest in the wagons themselves. Slavers perhaps?
One of the mutts apparently had the brain capacity to grab me when I wasn’t looking. He just took my backlegs and started walking towards the rest of the group. That’s not the way to hold a cat you freaking canine! You’re doing it wrong! I hate these guys already. I think it’s in my nature as a cat to hate dogs. It’s something universal I presume.
“Found kitty.” Yes, yes, go grab your celebratory biscuit now, why don’t ya? She sniffed me (EWWWWW) and started to snicker. “Smell bad.”
“You’re the last person I want to hear that from Mr. McBadBreath!” I blurted out. Everypony/-dog stopped and stared at me. Woops… “I should have stayed quiet huh?”
“Kitty talk?!” The fat mutt to my left said.
“Yes ‘kitty talk’! And my vocabulary is a hell of alot better than yours, mongrel!” He snarled at me and leaned in close.
“What kitty say?” He said in a low voice.
I felt my inner smartass working overtime. “Let me explain it to you bub: Kitty. Talk. You. Stink.” Originality at its best, people!
All around me, the dogs had started growling at me. Only one of the more level-headed, I presume, kept watch on the captured caravan ponies. Why couldn’t Morph have sent me as a dragon or something? I wish I could torch these guys; hell just let me roar in their faces. My primal instincts were boiling over and I was starting to get pissed.
I’m a nice guy, I never get really mad. But something inside me made me really hate these dogs. I swear I was starting to see red. It was in my fit of anger that I didn’t notice the air beginning to shimmer around me. The only thing I could think of was how to beat these guys. And that’s when I realized.
I had nothing.
Literally nothing. No weapons. No backup. No illusions yet. I didn’t even have a plan. At this moment I was no stronger than a fucking cat! I couldn’t even think of a way out of this situation. The only thing I could think of was the image of me, as a dragon, roaring these mutts in their smug, ugly faces. It just wouldn’t leave me. The shimmering was getting more intense and wilder. And then it happened.
RROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR
Just a moment ago the Diamond Dog had been holding a small black cat in his hand. He had been in complete control of the situation. Now he was holding the claw of a black dragon, flames roaring from its mouth. It was roaring in anger. He didn’t understand what was going on, but he understood enough to know that he should be terrified.
And that he was. He instantly let go of the claw and ran as fast as his legs could run, with his tail between his legs. The rest of the pack had similar reactions and bolted from the scene. Left behind was the group of ponies, and a single black cat (yours truly) on the ground.
What just happened? Was that… That was an illusion? I just looked like a fucking dragon! Holy crap, Skyrim, you can go suck it! Not just that, I had scared the dogs off. I had saved the ponies. I was from this moment their hero and they would shower me with love and- They ran away as well.
“Ok. Suddenly turning into a freaking dragon doesn’t sit well with the locals, I assume…”
I looked to my right where a sign was place on the side of the road. It read, “Baltimare: eighty miles.”
I’m not a smart cat by any means, but there’s one thing I’m sure of.
“Eighty miles is a long way on paws… Fuck.”
OK people, this might have been the most 'serious' chapter so far, but I wanted to kick-start his powers a bit. As you probably know by now, I don't focus on action as much as comedy, so stuff like this assault here won't be common. I do have a crossover planned at some point, but I can't speak for the action there.
Forever Working, the proud, local mailmare in Baltimare, was in a sour mood. For the last few days, her boss and everyone at her work had tried to get her to take a vacation. Sure, she had been working without a single day off for the last 6 years, but she wasn’t tired at all! She was proud of her streak so far. No way was she gonna let that go simply because everyone told her that she would collapse sooner or later. At the moment, she was flying from Baltimare to make a delivery in Trottingham.
“Bah, who needs rest? I’ll show them that I’m perfectly-“ She got interrupted by what looked like a minecart flying mid-air. In said minecart sat a black cat with a huge grin on its face, waving at her, and a goat who was yodeling while playing a banjo. Few moments after it had appeared, the minecart disappeared in the trees below her.
She hovered for a few minutes in silence. Utter disbelief filled her mind. She tried to get a coherent sentence together, but failed as she had trouble controlling her jaw.
Finally she got control of her mouth and uttered a single line. “I’ll take the vacation…”
That’s the end of-
Oi! You can’t just do that!
Huh? Why not?
You’re just leaving it there? Think of the readers!
What about them?
They have no clue what just happened. They weren’t there with you at the time.
Oh… OH! Oh god, you’re right. Should we start from the beginning?
I think that might be a good idea yes.
OK, here goes! *presses remote*
│<<
Purrlogue
“So let me get this straight; you’re giving me the chance to go to Equ-“ TOO FAR!
>>│
Chapter 4: Paws the Music.
What? No, of course I’m not lost! Why didn’t I follow the road, you ask? I know a shortcut… OK, fine, I admit it: I’m more lost than… I can’t even think of a joke to end that sentence with. Yes, I’m THAT lost.
But thankfully, this ahem shortcut, gave me time to work on my illusions. When you understand the basics of it, it’s not hard to make an illusion…If you have the power of dreams, of course. Gotta have that.
The basic for every illusion is making a field of power. It’s in this field that your thoughts will appear when you think of them hard enough. I quickly found out that the size of said field can be about as big as I darn well please. The only difficult part about illusions is the making. The bigger and more perfect I want them, the more I need to concentrate and imagine it. That's why I tend to do smaller ones instead of imagining an entire city.
Apparently with an illusion only including a single sense, you only need to focus on that single sense. Sight in general is pretty easy, just focus on an image you want to appear. Though you need the details to be right, otherwise people will notice.
And now we get to the hard part: Touch, smell and taste. These are HARD! Though the problems with smell and taste is that it usually have a habit of slipping into the taste/smell of fish or other cat-related foods… OK, so the cat-thing is having a bigger effect on me than I first thought, sue me.
But touch? How to explain this? Grab the nearest flat thing, preferably a really smooth object. Try running your finger over it. Smooth, right? Smooth is easy to simulate, think of it as a single feeling to your touch. Now go outside. OK fine, you don’t need to, just grab something a bit more rough. A small stone (I told you to go outside) or perhaps a non-paperback book (one of the old ones with the rough covers). Try running your finger over that. Yeah, that’s a lot of different feels, isn’t it?
A bumpy stone is hard to make because you need to get every little bump just right. Remember where in the illusion to put ‘this’ feel and ‘that’ feel. Yeah, touch is a pain in the ass to do. Just make it simple.
Now sound might be my personal favorite, if not because it’s really easy. Just think of the sound you want and viola. I’ve already had some fun listening to various songs while walking. Think of the symphonies and classics I could listen to, how I could educate Equestrians with our songs and- I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face, I’ve been listening to ‘Flogging Molly’ for the last few hours.
You may be asking yourself, ‘how did he practice his illusions?’
Well, if I ever see any of those critters again, I need to buy them a beer. Turns out that being a cat means that I can talk to the animals, effectively scaring the shit out of me when a small bird suddenly began screaming bloody murder at my attempt of making a hawk with illusions. Yeah, didn’t expect that… That's not to say that every single animal is sentient.
It doesn't appear that sentience have anything to do with species, but it's up to the individual. I've seen two squirrels talk to each other, one of them in normal English (Or is it Equestrian here?) and the other with normal *squirk*s or whatever a squirrel says.
As morning arrived (OK I WAS SO LOST!), my hopes of finding Baltimare dropped more and more. “Yeah, I’m so freaking lost… I’ve been walking all night and not a single clue of where Baltimare is, or anything else for that matter.” Suddenly I noticed a hill. The hill was the last thing to block out my view of the sun, and it made the entire hill glow. You know what I'm talking about. Ever seen one of those old cheesy movies with the sun in the hero's back? On top of that hill was a small hut. “It isn’t Baltimare, but if that's not divine intervention, I don't know what it is. Maybe the guy living there knows the way to the city.”
This hut have seen better day. Planks hanging loosely from the walls, the door was hanging a bit from its hinges, everything was hanging here is what I’m saying.
A small sign hang (OK I’ll stop now) on the door. “’Mr. Japeth Goat’… Goat? There must be more sentient creatures than I thought.” Thinking back, there was that mule from the show, and dragons, and Iron Will the Minotaur, so a goat shouldn’t be out of the question.
Wait, didn't Iron Will have goat-assistants? I believe he did.
I knocked on the door, or tried to, it came out as more of a small *thud**thud* due to my paws. Apparently it was loud enough for the goat to hear, because a few seconds later a goat with glasses and get this; a goatee, appeared in the doorway.
“Hello there, I was on my way to Baltimare but got lost on my way there. Is there any way you could tell me how to get there?” I feel like I’m missing something here. Oh right. “Oh, and I’m a talking cat. Don’t let that freak you out.”
If he was surprised he didn’t show it, without a word he gestured me inside. I stopped just inside the hut, which was more of a shack to be honest, and just stared at the walls. They were full of set of horns. All different shapes and sizes.
Oh great, I’ve stumbled onto one of those crazy guys who lives in the forest and kills the people who’re stupid enough to come all the way out here. I almost saw my own little head on the walls, before Japeth (I heavily assume that’s his name, he hasn’t said anything yet) took off his own horns and switched to another pair from the walls. Oh, prosthetics? Cool, cool… What the…
He went over to a small banjo in the corner and picked it up. And then he did something I would never have seen coming; he started singing.
“37 years ago a witch done put a spell on me. A spell where when I'm talkin' I'm singin' it with glee. When you're always singin' you got to live alone. That's why I made this mountain shack my home.
And when you're on the mountain, you got no guarantees That life will turn up roses or turn out as you please. When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a'feared That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared!
Be prepared, be prepared, This lesson must be shared, This lesson must be shared, Be prepared!”
This song is damn catchy! This day just got, pardon the meme, 20% cooler!
“Be prepared, be prepared, And unless you got a spare, You got one life, so handle it with care!"
“Actually, I’ve got 9, but I’ll be prepared teacher!” I shouted with enthusiasm as he begun something resembling yodeling. This might be the best way to start a day EVER!
“I got horns that open bottles, And I got horns that hold my keys, I got horns that when you turn 'em right, they help me watch TV.
I got horns that open pickle jars, And horns that come with hair, I got horns that hang my other horns - I always come prepared.”
Where do you buy horns like that? Special order?
“Be prepared, be prepared, This lesson must be shared, This lesson must be shared, Be prepared!
“Be prepared, be prepared, And unless you got a spare, You got one life, so handle it with care!”
At the end of that verse, he slipped beside me and pulled one of the candles on the wall. Ah, the classic hidden lever-trick. Clever. As a trapdoor opened below us, we had our two cartoony seconds of staying in mid-air. Wiley Coyote would be proud. The next thing I knew, both of us was in a mineshaft, seated in a cart. Oh the time with Minecraft, I’ll miss you.
"Yeeeheeeee! Keep your hands and feet inside of the vehicle at all times!"
Adding insult to injury, Japeth started to yodel again (don’t look at me, I’m just going with the flow) and we were moving along on a mine-track that had no right to exist. My first thought was that no sane miner would have made such a track. My second thought was ‘weeeeeeeee, roller coaster!’
I did the only normal thing you do in roller coasters and raised my arms (in this case legs) and screamed at the top of my lungs. This in turn caused a loud rumbling sound to start above us. I looked up at the mountain (I’m almost 120% sure that wasn’t there when I entered the shack) and saw snow coming toward us. Apparently Japeth noticed this as well as he began singing again.
"Ooooooh, an avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared, It's rumblin' like a mountain lion - I must say that I'm scared.”
“Don’t say that!”
“And if not for the witch's spell you'd hear just how I scream, But since I'm only singin', I'll just yodel 'til we're creamed!”
I gaped at him. Even when he was about to die, he couldn’t stop singing. Damn that witch must have been go-“WOULD YOU STOP YODELING?!” I shouted over the sound of tumbling snow and goat-yodeling.
We entered a tunnel just as the snow would have hit us, and I could see the light at the end of it. Normally that’s a good thing, we got away from the avalanche and got to safety, but no. In this case, it’s a bad thing. Why? Just that this insane miner apparently never finished the damn track.
As we continued past the end of the track, we flew. No, I have no other way of explaining it. There is no way that physics should allow us to go this far up. We were at cloud level, though in Equestria, that’s not saying much. We just continued to sail through the sky, and in the distance I could see a city. I had a small suspicion that this might be Baltimare. That crazy old goat actually- he’s still going on?! Wow, some lungs on this guy!
I could faintly see a small speck in the distance, a pegasus I presume. Ohohoho, this is gonna be fun.
Forever Working, the proud, local mailmare in Baltimare, was in a sour mood. For the last few days, her boss and everyone at her work had tried to get her to take a vacation. Sure she had been working without a single day off for the last 6 years, but she wasn’t tired at all! She was proud of her streak so far. No way was she gonna let that go simply because everyone told her that she would collapse sooner or later. At the moment she was flying from Baltimare to make a delivery in Trottingham.
“Bah, who needs rest? I’ll show them that I’m perfectly-“ She got interrupted by what looked like a minecart flying mid-air. In said minecart sat a black cat with a huge grin on its face, waving at her and a goat who was yodeling while playing a banjo. Few moments after it had appeared, the minecart disappeared in the trees below her.
She hovered for a few minutes in silence. Utter disbelief filled her mind. She tried to get a coherent sentence together, but failed as she had trouble controlling her jaw.
Finally she got control of her mouth and uttered a single line. “I’ll take the vacation…”
It was a normal day on the main-road in Baltimare. Ponies was doing their groceries, talking with friends and going to and fro work. The peace and tranquility was quickly shattered as a minecart came rolling down the street and came to a stop in front of a café with patrons who were quite curious to know what was going on.
A yodeling was heard and the front of the cart fell open. A single black cat came out and began walking with a sway in its step, down the street.
It stopped just in front of the café and rose to its hind-legs and held out its arms. It then yelled at the top of its lungs.
“Watch out Baltimare! Hold onto your hats, and shoes if you wear any, cause things are about to get WILD!”
Hey, if anything I know how to make an entrance. Now! Where's the fish?
Over the course of the next few days, the citizens of Baltimare found themselves victim of a mysterious pranking-spree. No one knew what was going on, but things appeared or disappeared all the time. Practical jokes were happening constantly. No one knew who was behind all of this. No one, except for me.
I had to practice my illusions somehow, didn’t I?
Allow me to properly introduce myself once more. I’m a cat in Equestria with the power of dreams, also known as illusions. My name… is Jazz. Yes, I’ve finally found a name for myself. And what better name than ‘Jazz the Cat’? Don’t look at me like that, you think I’d have gone for a name like ‘Top-Cat’ or ‘Scatcat’? Too unoriginal.
But why ‘Jazz’ you ask? Well, I have a huge love for music and especially things including a sax. So, I went with Jazz.
Shut up, it makes sense!
It’s better than calling myself something including a fruit while trying to be punny and then regretting it for the rest of my life or whatever…
It’s been a few days since I’ve arrived in Baltimare and I’ve learned a few things about Equestria. Did you know that animals have their own society just like ponies? Yeah, I was pleasantly surprised to find both restaurants and various shops in the back-alleys of Baltimare. Granted the animals, which are mostly made out of felines, rodents and other city-animals you’d find as pets or rummaging in the trashcans, don’t live in houses. No, that would be weird; we’re animals for Christ sake. We sleep wherever we freaking want to.
Which is why I sleep in a cardboard box. What can I say? You need a certain amount of street-cred to live in a trashcan. But hey, I like it; it’s home in some ways. I don’t have running water, light or heat of any kind, it’s home. “But a blanket would have been nice to have.”
Rule number one in animal society: you’re on your own unless you’re in a group. I’m not, so I’m on my own. Rule number two: food is an easy substitute to money. Rule number three: if you have no food, you can’t buy food (And I thought Earth’s economy was weird!).
So what do you do when you don’t have food to buy food? You go hunt for it.
Back-alleys aren’t as bad as you’d think. Certainly not as dirty and messy as back on Earth. Yeah, it’s not as nice as the actual streets, but as a city-cat, you can find food there. I remember hearing about people rummaging the garbage-bins outside the supermarkets back home. The idea was that some of the groceries were thrown out due to expiring-dates, but weren’t actually bad enough to eat them. Here’s a lesson kids: Just because the meat/vegetables is one or two days too old, doesn’t mean that it can’t be eaten (unless otherwise ruined of course).
“Check the bins they said. It tastes OK they said. Bah!” I muttered to myself from the bottom of the bin. “Those cats have never tried McDonalds... Not that there’s much difference between this and that, hehe.”
I dragged my furry little ass out of the bin and continued my search for food. I didn’t plan on staying long in Baltimare, but until I was ready, I had to eat something. So far I had been looking all day without results.
So imagine my delight, when I find an entire storage of food stored away in a big box in an alley!
“Property of ‘Monkey’?” Oh great, this is someone else’s. I don’t want to steal anything. Yes, I stole that fish from Fishy, but there’s a difference between that and this. Fishy was already planning on selling that fish and as such had no relation to it. This on the other paw, it plain stealing others property. Who knows what he had to go through to gather all of this food?
“HOLY CRAP THIS IS DELICIOUS!”
This place has EVERYTHING! Meat, fish, fruit, vegetables, water, everything a cat could want (even though I biologically can’t eat half of this, but my stomach doesn’t need to know that).
Or maybe the correct word for it would be, that it had everything. I hadn’t planned on eating this much, but I couldn’t help myself. At the moment I was just about to eat the last fish (and last piece of sustenance in here) when I got interrupted by a cough.
I turned to the opening of the box and saw, to my dismay (and hilarity), a large group of mice. I knew that I couldn’t fight off that many rodents, even considering my size, and on principle I don’t eat anything living. Imagine if your bacon was screaming while you ate it.
Not pretty, am I right?
So I did the only thing I could do in this situation, with my mouth full of fish and a face full of crumbs. “Dun fell Munkey…” Surrendered, dropped the fish and raised my paws in the air. King of action, right here.
The last thing that went through my mind, before I got hit in the back of my head, was a hilarious joke about how I had just dropped the bass.
I awoke in the most cliché way possible. A bucket of water to the face in a dark room, surrounded by thugs, tied to a chair, yadda yadda yadda. Adding a bit of my own distinctive touch, I quoted ‘The Lion King’ and used the good old ‘Take me to your leader’. So now here I am walking down a chandelier-lit hallway filled with portraits of what looked like crime-bosses (of various species), accompanied by thugs on either side of me and a feeling of being in the most cliché-filled gangster-movie ever.
I love my life!
OK, I’m caught by mobsters, but hey, this is officially the coolest moment in my life.
As we got to the end of the hallway we stopped by a large oak door. I casually began to imagine what the boss of this gang would look like. And let me tell you; he was all that and everything else you could ever want.
Behind a desk made of… give me a minute. *ahem* Mahogany, sat a business-suit wearing monkey. He had slick, combed hair and a small mustache. He seriously reminded me of Vito Corleone.
And come on! He’s a monkey! A monkey! That’s like the best thing ever! If Peter Pan ever tells me to think of the happiest things, this is the guy I’ll think about!
His accent helped complete the image. “Hello Mr. Jazz. Welcome to my humble abode.” I was just about to ask why the fuck he called this place ‘an abode’ (seriously, look at this place) and how he knew my name, but he held up a hand to silence me. “I have my sources Mr. Jazz. So, you think ya can just waltz in here, like some big guy, and take my things?” He went on with the typical ‘Have you any idea how long it took me to collect?’ etcetera. I wasn’t paying attention.
You try to pay attention when a small bundle of hair on his head bounces every time he speaks. It’s hypnotic! I had to mentally chant to myself not to snicker at the crime lord, but I was barely holding on. One little joke and I would be gone.
“Do you have any idea of who I am?” I shook my head. Oh please don’t be something funny. “I am Don Monkey.” OK, I can live with that. Not laughing. “Head of-“
*slam* “And stay in that cell until you’ve learned to respect the boss!” The thug yelled at me from the other side of the iron bars.
OK, I may have chuckled at bit…
“Head of the Baltimare Moufia”
“…” My left eye twitched.
“Hello? Did ya hear me?”
“…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is the dumbest pun I’ve ever heard!” I’m so doomed.
…And insulted the primate with an insult, only humans would understand when his guys sent me down here.
“Take him down to the cells.”
“Hahaha, I never even watched ‘Godfather’! Hahahaha!”
It could be worse; at least I’m in a proper dungeon. Not some fancy-smansy dungeon with a real bed and windows. No no, a real dungeon. As in a pile of hay to sleep on, no windows and rats running around everywhere (albeit for different reasons. I think they’re the guards around here).
But there’s one thing that this dungeon has, which my box didn't have, that I’m thankful for.
It’s funny how your thoughts do the kick-flip and cartwheels in your head when you’re bleeding to death.
I let out a hiss of pain as I stumbled on the floor of the corridor leading to the reactor-room. Fuck it hurts! I could feel the tears start to well up in my eyes. Is this really it? This is how I’m going to go? Alone in a corridor, aboard a plant-like battleship controlled by shades?
Why was I doing this again? Was it because of the oath The Big Cheese gave to Celestia back then? No. No way could I bet my life to fulfill an oath. I’m too weak for that.
Was it because it was the right thing to do? Was that really all? I don’t think so…As much as I’d like my gravestone to say ‘He died doing the right thing’, I don’t think that’s why. Sorry Dresden.
I try to move my left hind-leg and feel a surge of pain go through my body from where my paw once was.
I let a single tear fall to the ground and gritted my teeth. No! Don’t you dare just lie down and cry like a baby! The others are out there fighting right now! You think you’re the only one who’s lost a freaking body-part? Griffin’s lost a wing and Celestia’s even lost both of them. That bastard Mango lost a hand way back when. Hell, Knightmare got turned into Changeling-shish kebab and had to get patched back together by the Equestrian equivalent of duct tape! He and all the others are out there right now, fighting to protect everything! You owe them this for fuck’s sake!
Yeah… that was why I was doing this right? That’s why I sneaked aboard the mothership to sabotage it. If this works, all the other ships should fall out of the sky as well. The big guys will still be there, but I can at least give my friends a fighting-chance.
And then out of freaking nowhere, a shade jumps me and slices my left back-paw clean off! I looked back at the small blood-trail I had left me. I ignored it, it didn’t matter right now. The pain didn’t matter! LISTEN TO ME! IT DOESN’T MATTER! Just get up and go through that door. Then just mess with the controls and the reactor should blow.
If I’m going to die today, it sure as hell isn’t gonna be from blood loss. If I have to go, I’ll take this fucking fleet down with me!
I got up and opened the door.
[Self-destruct in 2 minutes]
“That’s that then…” I’d done it. This ship is going down. Sadly, I’m going down with it. No way I can get out of here in 2 minutes.
I touched the small ruby on the front of my bowler. “I still have ‘that’, but that’s not going to help me survive…” A small smile came onto my face. “But I may be able to leave a little gift behind.”
I could feel my smile turn into one of my trademark grins. It was time to say my goodbyes. I concentrated on a massive area of power outside the ship and began focusing on my illusion. One last time.
The battle was massively in favor of the shades. Their air-support was becoming a real pain in the ass to deal with.
Suddenly, without warning, the shades stopped and turned to look at the mothership. The image of a black cat sitting atop it appeared. A roar of laughter was heard from the image.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA, it appears that I have sunken your battleships fuckers!” I did a little victory dance, thankfully the illusion allowed me to do so without the pain in my leg. A boom of victory cries came from around the battlefield. With the ships out of the way, they could concentrate on the bigger issue. “But this may be my last performance ladies and gentlemen.” The cries became a bit quieter.
“What do you say when you’re about to go? That I’d like to thank all of you guys for the honor of fighting alongside you? That I’m proud of every member of The Big Cheese?” I swallowed a knot in my throat. “How much I love my family? Sadly, I don’t think the reactor allows me to use the eternity it would take me to properly say the words you all truly deserve.”
I raised my voice, calling out to one person in particular. “Rocko! Promise me this! Take good care of the gang!”
Atop a small hill, Rocko stood with his jacket weaving in the wind. His eyes focused on the image of his boss and long-time friend. The one he could call a brother. Tears ran down his cheeks as he realized what was going to happen. He slid his goggles down over his eyes to hide the tears and lowered his head. “I will bro. I’ll take care of all of them!”
“With that, I’ll end this in the only way that suits me: horribly!” I let go of my control of the ruby and let the energy I had stored there for months, flow around me. The ruby itself shattered at the release and the air around me began blazing. I put my fists together, still grinning, and shouted. “So long! And thanks for all the fish!”
The image flickered and disappeared. For a moment nothing happened. Then, in an amplified voice, came a loud shout.
"Perfect Illusion: Dreaming of Paws!"
And everything exploded.
Back on the hill, Rocko was joined by the 3 generals of The Big Cheese. All of them looked at the burning ship for a while.
Raising his head, Rocko bellowed in a volume remarkable for someone his size. “In honor of our boss. For Jazz. Our brother. Say it with me!”
Rocko began. “When standing face to face with Death himself!”
The demon-commander Angel himself, a sad smile replacing his usual scowl and his red cape flowing in the wind behind him, adjusted his red shades and continued the code. “When standing before eternal damnation!”
Kessler, who would have laughed at this, years back, said the next part. “When faced with no way out!”
Scatcat went after him, sadness showing in his normally cheerful face. “Wear your biggest grin!”
All of them slammed their fists together. “And punch him in the face!”
“We are The Big Cheese! Sworn to protect Equestria and the lands beyond! We will gather all the power we can get until we hit the limit! And that limit will be smashed to pieces! We are The Big Cheese!”
”JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?” ◥▶◀◤
-----------------------------------
"In dreams, as well as in life, imagination is nothing but the last obstacle to overcome and throw out the window! When done, you will truly understand the meaning of 'Freedom'!"
- Jazz the Cat, Human Champion of Morpheus, God of Dreams, loving husband and father. Killed In Action.
I wiped a small amount of blood from the corner of my mouth. I don’t like fighting, I really don’t, but it seems like fighting likes me… if that makes any sense whatsoever.
My knuckles were red, both from the blood and from the heavy hits I just gave that guy. “Jerk…”
I can barely remember why I fought him in the first place. He hadn’t done anything in particular to me, just did the old ‘tough guy’-thing with sticking out his chest and throwing a few insults my way.
He asked for it, right?
I slumped down the wall and looked down the alley that bastard had fled down. I didn’t bother going after him, we both knew who had won this fight. It’s not like this was something special. This was basically Tuesdays for me.
I heard footsteps to my right. A by-passer on the street most likely. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped. They didn’t fade out as if the guy was going past me. He had stopped at the alley. Yeah, get a good look jackass.
I looked up to face the bystander and I raised an eyebrow at what I saw.
A little girl, probably not much older than seven or eight years old, wearing a pink t-shirt with balloons on it, was looking at me with a confused expression.
I’m about six feet tall, medium length darkish hair and I’m bleeding from the corner of my mouth. I’ll admit that I must look pretty freaking scary right now. So why hasn’t she just left yet? And… why’s she smiling like that?
True enough, she wore a huge toothy smile. Missing a tooth, I noted offhandedly.
“Why are you smiling?” I asked her. She waited a moment before answering.
“Pinkie Pie says that you should giggle at the ghostie. So I’m smiling.”
Who the fuck is ‘Pinkie Pie’? “So… you’re scared?” She nodded. “Of me?” She nodded again.
“So why the he-“ I stopped myself. Don’t cuss in front of the kids. “-are you still here?”
“Because you’re not smiling.” She answered.
What kind of reason was that!? “What?” I asked with a confused expression on my face.
“Why aren’t you smiling?” She asked me.
“I don’t really see any reason I should smile.” Depressing, I know, but that’s life.
“Do you need a reason to smile?” I raised an eyebrow at her question. “Pinkie says that a smile helps you feel better.”
Am I being lectured about life from a 7 year old? Oh fucking joy. “I just don’t want to smile, OK!” I said, perhaps a bit more harshly than I had wanted.
Apparently this girl’s got guts, as she didn’t flinch in the slightest and began singing. Yes, singing. As in lyrics. About smiling. A song about smiling is what I’m saying.
My name is Pinkie Pie, And I am here to say, I’m gonna make you smile, and I will brighten up your day!
This… this is ridiculous. She’s singing!
It doesn’t matter now, If you are sad or blue. Cause cheering up, my friend, is just what Pinkie’s here to do
…Ridiculous…
She began doing a cartwheel while she sang.
Cause I love to make you smile, smile, smile! It fills my heart with sunshine all the while, Cause all I really need is smile, smile, smile, From these happy friends of mine!
The corner of my mouth twitched. So… ridiculous… She continued singing and dancing. I had to give the girl credit; she had plenty of energy to spare.
When she finally got to the end of the song, I did something I hadn’t done properly in months, maybe even years.
I started to laugh.
There wasn’t a trace of malice or arrogance in it. It wasn’t a hateful or mocking laugh, nor was it just for politeness sake.
It was a honest to god laugh.
I could feel the wound in my mouth throb every time I exhaled. The muscles around my mouth hurt as well, not used to being strained. It hurt and I could feel tears flowing down my cheeks. I didn’t know if it was from the pain or from the laughter.
All I knew was that it felt good!
The girl began to laugh with me. “Yay! I made you smile! It’s nice, right?”
“Yes,” I wiped a tear away from my eye. “Yes, it’s nice.” There was something about her. I never had anything against kids, but this girl just… radiated happiness! I’ve got no other way of explaining it; she was making me smile just by being here.
“You know what mister?”
“What?”
“If you smile to people, they will smile back. And if they smile, you start smiling as well! Isn’t that just awesome?” She did a little twirl. “I love getting people to smile! That’s what Pinkie Pie does! That’s why she’s my favorite character!”
I let out a little laugh. What the fuck was wrong with me? I’m not like this! I’m not… smiling… Why is that a bad thing? She’s right. I really like this. It’s so stupid, but I can’t stop smiling.
“Hey, mister?” She asked while tilting her head. I looked up at her from my position on the ground. “Will you help people smile as well?”
“Is that what ‘Pinkie’ would do?” I asked with a smug smile on my face. She nodded quickly and energetically enough that I was actually afraid her head might have fallen off. “Then OK, I guess.”
She jumped up in the air and threw her hands in the air. “Yes! Thank you mister!” She looked at her little pink wrist-watch. “Oh no, I have to go home! Mom is baking cupcakes! Bye mister!”
And she was off. Leaving me sitting in an alley, smiling like an idiot.
I looked up at the clouds. “Smiling, huh? Might not be that bad…”
And with that said and done, the dream ended. Once more reminding me of how a little girl taught me how to spread smiles and laughter.
I woke up to the quiet sound of dripping water. Oh great, the box’s leaking aga- oh right… I’ve been taken prisoner, haven’t I? I barely remembered going to sleep.
I finally had a chance to look around the cell and the hallway outside it. It had been late last night when I have been brought in, and in my excitement about being there, I never actually had a chance to take in the view.
My own cell was fairly devoid of anything resembling decoration. Not that I had expected anything. The hallway outside was pretty tight and I could probably reach halfway across it to the other cell opposite of mine, if I tried.
Speaking of the other cell, it seems like I have a dungeon-mate (please let that be a word and not an innuendo!). Although I think he was sleeping at the moment, as the only thing I could see of him/her, was his/her tail sticking out from under the blanket.
The hallway itself wasn’t particularly interesting to look at. The only thing in it was a single chair and the guard that occupied it.
It was dull. Wow, it was dull! When you get over the whole ‘oh my god, I’m in an actual dungeon!’ you start to notice just how plain and boring it truly is. Which is why I started doing the only thing you do when you’re bored in a dungeon.
Let me explain what that is to those of you who haven’t been bored in a dungeon (yet). I took the only object in the cell (which was, conveniently enough, a metal cup) and began moving it across the iron-bars, effectively making that really annoying sound, which I can’t remember the name of at the moment.
Note to self, get an onomatopoeia dictionary… Why can I remember that word, but not the sound itself?!
And then I began to do what you do when you’re bored in a dungeon: I began singing. Singing really falsely. There’s always someone who does this, and while I have no clue why that is, I did enjoy the moment of being a cliché itself.
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows my sorrow Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Glory hallelujah!
There came a snort from the cell across the hall. Either my singing, if you could even call it that, had awoken… ‘it’ or it was a snort of amusement.
Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down Oh, yes, Lord Sometimes I'm almost to the ground Oh, yes, Lord Although you see me going 'long so Oh, yes, Lord
OK, it’s a guy. And considering how he’s holding his ears, I don’t think the snort was because he found it funny.
I have my trials here below Oh, yes, Lord If you get there before I do Oh, yes, Lord Tell all-a my friends I'm coming to HEAVEN! Oh, yes, Lord
“Oh please, for the love of swing, stop singing!” He yelled pathetically.
I finally got a good look at him. Big grey cat, butterfly, trumpet at his side and… a bowler… Weirdest thing being? I knew exactly who I was looking at. And I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend why he of all characters would be here. I stuck out my leg as far over to him as I could, wanting to shake the paw of the character from my childhood who had made me interested in music.
“Hello, name’s Jazz.”
He gave a wholehearted smile and reached his own leg out and shook my paw. “Scatcat, at your service pal.”
I could in the corner of my eye see the guard tensing up a bit at our contact, but visibly relax as we retracted our limbs.
“So, what are you down here for, Jazz?” He asked me.
“I ate the entirety of Don Monkey’s food storage, destroyed a precious Ming vase, and broke down laughing when he told me the name of the family.” I shrugged. “You know, the usual.”
I could tell that he was holding back his laughter. He did snicker a bit, so I still call that a win. “He renamed the family? To what?”
Renamed? Oh well. “He’s calling it; get this, ‘Moufia’.” I said with an expressionless mask on my face, complete with the air-quotes (which btw looks hilarious when done with paws!).
At the horrible pun, Scatcat broke down in a fit of laughter. Yeah, we’re gonna get along nicely.
“Oh boy, that’s even worse than the last name this family had!” He wiped a tear from his eye. “Back before Monkey was the Don, it was named ‘Meowfia’.”
At this, I just barely managed to contain my own amusement as well as the urge to facepaw. God these puns were stupid. It’s the small things in life that makes it worth living.
“OK, so you know why I’m down here, but what have you done to get thrown down here?”
“Well, Monkey had to take down the last boss of the family, so here I am.” He shrugged. I looked at him in silence for a moment with a raised brow… Do cats have eyebrows? No, not important right now! Scatcat was a former mafia-boss… That’s both kinda awesome and semi-disturbing.
Suddenly there came a *thump* and a small groan from the cell to my right. I stuck my head out through the bars as well as I could, trying to see what was going on. “Hey Rocko, are you OK in there?” Scatcat asked the person beside me.
From the depths of his cell came a small brown mouse, wearing a bandanna, his feet dragging along the stone-tiles. His eyes looked dead. I mean, not literally dead, but in a ‘holy crap, I should not have gotten out of bed today’-way.
“Just fell utta da bed boss.” He replied dispassionately.
“I’m sorry, I’ve just met you but I have to ask you this bro, but what’s got you so down?” I asked the ‘dead’ mouse.
He stuck his head out of the bars to meet my gaze. He frowned a bit, showing the most emotion I had seen on him thus far. “I’m trapped in da Moufia’s lair, against my will, with no hope for escape. How do ya think I feel?!”
I quickly took notice of the space between the bars and the size of Rocko. Oh it was only about 2 times his size… *sigh* Cartoony physics.
I think someone needs cheering up and a way out of here. Thankfully, I’m a cat currently in possession of both! That is if Lady Luck is on my side… Oh who am I kidding? If this whole game-thing is sponsored by the upper guys, I guess that Lady Luck has her own piece somewhere out there. Chess piece of Lady Luck? I’d like to meet that guy at some point. Go casino-hunting!
“So how’d you like to get out of here?” I whispered, just loud enough for Scatcat and Rocko to hear, but letting the guard stay out of the loop. Both jailbirds looked at me with a small look of curiosity. “We shall use...” I let the words hang in the air for a second. “Song!”
Rocko raised an eyebrow at my suggestion, while Scatcat visibly cringed. OK, he had only heard me when I weren’t even trying, but he didn’t have to wince at it! It wasn’t that bad… right?
You. Don’t. Say. Anything!
“OK, so assuming that your… ‘singing’, can help us, how’s that gonna get us out of here?” Scatcat asked in a hushed tone.
I winked at him. “Just follow my lead.” I turned to Rocko. “And while I’m at it, I want you to take what I’m about to sing, to heart.”
I put my fist together and began focusing on the song I wanted to play. Allow me to explain the hands. Back on earth I always had a bit of concentration issues. I tried to come up with ways to make myself focus better. In the end it was actually an anime that helped me out with that. God bless you Naruto. When I saw it, I noticed them using the hand signs as a way of focusing.
For shits and giggles I tried it out, and found that it actually helped. It didn’t suddenly turn me into a master of meditation, but I was occupying my hands and was able to focus a bit better. Since then it’s become a habit of mine.
Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best...
The guard turned to me with a look of equal wonder and surprise at my sudden musical number.
And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life...
I stuck out my head and looked at Rocko.
If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.
This time Scatcat joined me in the chorus.
And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life...
And to my great surprise, Scatcat began singing the second verse. How he knew the lyrics, I have no idea, but I’ll roll with it. The guard stood up, intrigued by the situation.
For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.
The guard had walked to stand between me and Scatcat’s cells, joining us in the song.
So always look on the bright side of death Just before you draw your terminal breath
As the guard (never got to know his name) sang the third verse, I quietly grasped the keys from his belt and unlocked the door. I reached behind the guard and handed the keys to Scatcat, him also unlocking his door.
Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
I gestured Scatcat to be ready. He nodded in understanding.
You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughing as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
Just as he finished his part of the song, me and Scatcat threw the doors open, the tight hallway making the doors sandwich the guard’s head, knocking him out. We continued the song… well, it’s just something you HAVE to do I guess.
And always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the right side of life...
“Come on boy, cheer up!” I unlocked Rocko’s cell and let him up on my back.
Always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the bright side of life...
“Worse things happen at sea, you know.” I told him over my shoulder. He raised an eyebrow.
Always look on the bright side of life...
“I mean - what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!” Both Rocko and Scatcat were looking at me strangely as we exited the door to the prison.
Always look on the right side of life...
Did I just escape a dungeon using Monty Python? You bet your ass I did.
We came out onto a street… right into a big group of cats and mice. In the middle stood a primate that didn’t look too happy to see us.
Surrounded by the enemy, clearly outnumbered by thugs and a mad monkey. Not a good way to start the day, but I’ve been in worse situations… oh wait, no I haven’t!
Don Monkey raised an eyebrow and threw his coffee to the side. (right in the face his one of the mice, ouch!) “I didn’t expect you this early… How did you get through my dungeon?” He asked.
I pointed back at the door. “That dungeon? Uhh… It was pretty much a straight shot from the door.”
Monkey looked surprised for a second before regaining his cool. "You mean you didn't get caught in any dead ends or twisting corridors or traps and pitfalls?"
"I dunno what t'tell ya.” I shrugged. “Guess they just don't make dungeons like they used to." I paused for a second. “Hey wait. How did you find out about us escaping? We got out of our cells literally two minutes ago.”
At this he actually smiled. “Ah you see, it went like this: First there was-“ And this is where I kinda toned him out. Scatcat was winking to one of the female cats in the group. At first I thought about how bad of a time it was to flirt with the enemy, but then she winked back. Not just once, but in a series. Scatcat did the same.
Morse code? Oh oh, I know Morse code! Lemme see…I. Am. A. Crazy. Zebra.… No, that can’t be right. The scout inside me is crying in shame right now.
“-and that’s how I caught you and how Equestria was made!”
…I have a feeling that I missed a great story right now.
Scatcat leaned over to me and was about to say something, but I held up a paw to stop him. “Hold it for a second,” I proclaimed to the crowd. All noise stopped and they were all staring at me while I had raised my head to the sky and held my eyes closed. I sense the presence of a joke nearby…
I tapped into the natural joke-force of Equestria to search my surroundings for the material. In my head I heard the words: Use the ‘monkey-suit’ joke~
“I will Obi Wan Garino.” I said in a quiet voice.
I looked at the crowd and took the classic ‘Objection’-pose, pointing at Don Monkey. I quickly made a notice to go see a therapist as soon as possible, cause it’s clear that I’m going nuts here, before shouting; “IT’S A MONKEY SUIT!”
For a few seconds, absolute silence triumphed around me. Suddenly a few snickers were heard in the crowd, which for some turned into full-blown laughter.
Monkey turned red, I don’t know if it was from embarrassment or anger, but he began to yell at his men fiercely. Now that he was distracted, I gestured Scat to continue whatever he was saying earlier.
“I’ve got a plan. That girl over there is one of my people, if we can get to the alley at the other side of the street, we’re home-free.”
I looked at the cat he had been signaling a moment ago. Tan colored fur, green eyes. Was she cute? Heck if I know. I liked her color scheme, sure, but I don’t know what cats consider attractive and I’ve never looked at cats like that.
OK, there was a period with catgirls, but that’s different… Again, don’t judge me.
“And what do you want me to do?” I whispered to him. In hindsight, we could probably just as easily have been shouting it to each other with how loud Monkey was yelling at his men. It wouldn’t have made much of a difference.
I accidentally looked at Scat’s hat. Damn, that’s a nice hat.
“We’re gonna need a distraction of some sort, think you can come up with something buddy?”
Seriously, that hat is awesome.
“I think I have something in mind. It all depends on how well you can play that thing.” I gestured to his trumpet. Yeah, I was going completely cliché on them.
I made a mental note to get myself a hat as well. I hung it beside the therapist-note on my mental notice board.
Scatcat smiled and puffed out his chest proudly. “Good enough to make the princesses weep!”
“Perfect~” I purred… Wow, never has that expression been more accurate. “In that case I hope you know how to improvise. It’s show time!” Putting my paws together, I gave myself a moment to concentrate.
We then proceeded to do the impossible: Be subtle while in a musical segment.
The funky beat of drums filled the street as Scatcat began to play his trumpet. He didn’t understand how he knew what to play, but he did.
Me? I now wore a blue calypso shirt, a red bandana around my neck. I wielded a pair of maracas, my weapon of choice for this number.
Yes, I’m ripping off The Mask, deal with it.
They call me Cuban Pete. I'm the king of the rumba beat. When I play the maracas I go chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom Yessir, I'm Cuban Pete. I'm the craze of my native street. When I start to dance, everything goes chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom.
I threw my maracas away, not needing them for the rest of the song. I heard a *crash* sound from the direction of my thrown instruments and winced slightly.
“I’ll pay for that…” I said under my breath.
The senoritas they sing and they swing with terampero- It's very nice, so full of spice.
I danced my way over to Monkey and, to his surprise, took him for a wing. Oddly enough he went along with it while scowling at me all the while. Ever danced with a monkey? No? Ever been at a prom? HEY-YO!
And when they dance in they bring a happy ring that era keros- Singin' a song, all the day long.
I had slowly danced me and Monkey over to a plank positioned perfectly to use as a seesaw. A seesaw on which I placed Monkey on and had Scatcat jump onto, making Monkey fly through the air and land on a lamppost.
So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete And I'll teach you to chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom.
I took a few strides to the tan colored cat and waved my paws at her as if to will her to sing. I believe she caught onto my intention as she began singing.
He's really a modest guy, although he's the hottest guy In Havamare, in Havamare.
I took her for a quick swing and began my part. At this point, a fair amount of the thugs had begun either dancing or simply swaying to the beat.
Si, sinorita I know that you would like to chicky-boom-chick It's very nice, so full of spice.
To complete this musical segment, I felt like I had to overstep some boundaries. So of course I grabbed her… hips? God I need some form of anatomy-book soon. The motion rewarded me with her giving me a small blush, a sly grin and a few playful slaps.
I'll place my hand on your hip, and if you will just give me your hand Then we shall try - just you and I. I-yi-yi!
One of the non-dancing goons was helping down his boss from the lamppost of doom. He couldn’t help but glance in the direction of the rather impressive musical number going on behind him. "Not bad."
Monkey scowled at him. "Shut up and help me down!"
So if you like the beat, take a lesson from Cuban Pete And I'll teach you chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky-boom
Mr. Non-dancing goon was just about to become Mr. Dancing goon, but Monkey put a hand on his shoulder. "If you start dancing I'll beat you to death."
Shake Your Booty, Daddy, Wow!
Don Monkey had had enough. He began walking towards me and slapping random goons that came into reach of him. Thankfully, we weren’t far from the alley, so I gave a signal to leg it.
See ya!
And off we were. I saw the cat from before retreat in another direction, probably meeting us later.
Just before we entered the alleyway, a mare passed by. She looked slightly out of it, almost like she was questioning the meaning of life and the universe itself. Hey, I know that mare. She was the one I waved at a few days ago in the minecart.
So I smooched her and ran after the others.
“Why the heck did you do that?” Scat asked me wearing an amused smile as we ran.
I grinned at him. “I was caught up in the moment, sue me.”
Forever Working had had enough of vacation for now. A few days had to be enough to get back in her a-game for sure! A few days of relaxing should get her rid of those hallucinations.
“What was up with that anyways? A flying cat? I mean, how ridiculous is that? Haha.”
No warning was given before she saw the very same cat in front of her. “Oh no…”
No warning was given as the cat came closer to her. “Oh nonononono…”
No warning was given before the cat gave her a huge smooch and ran off.
“…I’ll take a few more days…”
Suddenly something flew past my head. A rock about the size of my noggin had been thrown at me. I looked back and instantly regretted that decision.
“Scatcat?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t question me, just run faster… and don’t look behind you.”
Of course, rule states that when such a line has been said, you have to look at all costs. And that exactly what Scat did. A horde of mice, cats and even a few dogs, led by a furious monkey was right behind us.
I will attempt to convert Scatcat’s rant into something that I wouldn’t start blushing trying to repeat to you:
“FUCK! YOU COCKSUCKERS! THUNDERCUNTS! DOUCHE CANOES! TIT POPPERS!”
Trust me; you don’t wanna hear the uncensored version.
“So what’s the plan boss?” Rocko asked from his spot on Scat’s back. Wasn’t he on my- Nevermind.
“That right there,” he said. At the end of the alley (a blind one at that) there was a rope tied to the roof.
“THAT’S THE PLAN?!” I cried dumbfounded. “A ROPE?! ...Ah screw it, I should get used to things like this.”
After what seemed like days (of writing *cough**cough*), we finally made it to the end of the back alley. Scatcat was the first to climb the cord, Rocko firmly holding on to his back. He was about halfway up, when another rock came soaring past me. This guy sucks at aiming…
“OK, grab on Jazz! We’ll pull you up!” Scatcat yelled from the roof. I happily followed orders and I began my ascending. My inner smartass made me turn around, facing the group below me.
“Gentle… animals. You will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Capt-“ a hard tug in the rope almost made me lose my grip and I momentarily forgot about my precious clichés and quotes. I hate being interrupted.
The first thing I did when I made it to the roof, was of course to lean over the edge and shout “CAPTAIN! JACK! SPARROW!” to the guys on the ground. A lone stone flew past my face. Never leave a reference done halfway.
I then proceeded to do what any one of you would have done in this situation: I blew raspberries at the mafia-Don.
Call me immature, but it made my inner child smile.
Of course, Monkey had apparently worked on his aim in the ten seconds since his last throw and he actually managed to hit me in the face with a, thankfully, smaller rock than the former.
“Ow~” I winced and rubbed my nose. “Why is it always the nose?”
I looked over at another cat, apparently the one that had gotten everything ready for our daring escape. Slender cream-colored cat. Oddly long blond hair (weird... Long fur perhaps?), purple shades and a necklace.
Holy guacamole, is that Hit Cat?! It’s my favorite Alleycat member!
Just as I was about to tackle-hug another childhood character, Scatcat put a paw on my shoulder. “Now, mind explaining to me just what the heck you did back there?”
I looked at him innocently. “Whatever do you mean? I did a lot of things back there~”
In response, he simply rolled his eyes and looked back at me. He looked at me for a few seconds before shaking his head and letting out a sigh. “Fine, if you don’t want to tell us that’s OK. We all have our secrets I guess.”
I was at the threshold of a dilemma. On one hand, it would be nice not having to worry about them finding out that I’m not really a cat and just tell them about me being an alien. On the other hand… should I start saying ‘paw’? Nah. On the other hand, telling them might make them think that I’m insane or something and leave me. I have a feeling being alone with Monkey stalking me like a dude with a high school-crush all day, wouldn’t be to my liking. Sure I could just lie and say that I’m a normal cat and just possesses magical abilities and then leave it at that, but it’d leave me feeling bad for lying and have me be paranoid about them being- Holy crap, am I being rational and sensible? That’s SO not me!
“Well, if you really wanna know…” I said. Scatcat, Rocko and, I presume his name is still Hit Cat, turned to look at me. “I’ve got a bit of a story… My tale begins as such; a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…”
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s-FUCKING HELL! WHO IS ON CLOUD-DUTY? We need to have clear skies for this shot to work!
“CUT!”
“Take 2!”
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s the proud city of Baltimare.
Let’s go down, shall we?
Going towards the ground, you quicklygatherspeedandthenproceedtocra-*CRASH*
*sigh* “CUT!”
“Take 3!”
The never-ending sky is before your very eyes. Nothing but blue skies and white clouds drifting about for miles onwards; a magnificent sight, isn’t it? Now, look down. That’s the proud city of Baltimare.
Let’s go down, shall we?
Going towards the ground, you noticed the tall buildings made of stone and iron. Baltimare is a quite modern city, all things considered. One could point out the major similarity to the human city Baltimore in the 30s, except the roads have been made of cobblestone and where steel would have prospered; stone has found its place.
Now, look at that alleyway…No, THAT alleyway-OH FOR CHRIS-WHO LET THE NEW GUY WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION IN CHARGE OF THE NARRATIVE?! You know what? Screw this, I’m taking over! Take a goddamn vacation or something!
Fine.I can't wait for pay-day...
Sure thing boss.
Sorry guys.Fuck yeah!
This is so meta.
Hey wanna try out that new cafe?
How is this even happening? I just don’t beli-OH HEY PEOPLE! Completely forgot we were on-air… Heh… new crew… what can you do, am I right?
Right story, where were we? Oh right!
Now, look at that alleyway. To the average passerby, nothing would really stand out, except the fact that it, like the rest of the street in front of it, was paved with cobble. The trash was cleared off the ground, but nothing stood out too much for anyone to actually go there. That is… people who didn’t know what was down it.
If you went down this particular alley, you would find a door. A dark, heavy-looking door, only decorated by a small sign on the door, saying:
’Triple B’
One might have felt intimidated by this outer exterior had you not to known what lay behind it. You might not have wanted to take the time to open it to settle your curiosity. It was a place you didn’t feel like you absolutely had to explore.
All things considered, the door served its purpose well.
Triple B, or ‘Billy Boss’s Bar’ as it’s actually named, was a safe haven in Baltimare’s animal mafia underground... now there’s something I wouldn’t have expected to say today...
In the front you would find a bar. A fairly average bar as you’d normally see around Equestria. Tables here and there for the customers to enjoy their food and/or beverage. Usually the latter.
If you move past this room and go through the door to the right, you’d find yourself in another bar. This one being a casual jazz-bar. For the convenience of the non-Equestrian, think the club ‘Coco Bongo’ from ‘The Mask’, except less palm-y and the scene/dancefloor having been replaced with a small stage for a single band to play on.
The stage, home of The Alleycats; the biggest lovers of music in Baltimare according to themselves (and seeing as they play all the time, I agree). It’s the very same group from the movie, but without Scatcat and Billy Boss, the latter attending his bar.
Look at that group of joyful characters at the table over there. Celebrating their greatest success in a long time and the reunion with their friends and family. This is where today’s chapter truly begins...
Now, look at my own group at the other end of the room please.
“So... Don Monkey took over the city with his men. Then threw Scatcat in the cell when he tried to reason with him. When the last group still loyal to your group saw this, they fled to the sewers? Now they won’t even try to take over the city again?” I surmised that Scatcat had told me since arriving at our current hideout.
“Basically yes, the others have tried to find them, but no such luck.” Scatcat replied from his seat across of me.
“Yeah, thos’ sewers are huge!” Rocko said from his own little chair on top of the table. Hey, size matters here... get your head out of the gutter.
I rubbed my eyes, as I felt myself getting more drowsy as we spoke. It was getting really late. “Then what’s the plan?” I asked the ex-boss.
“Plan? Well... we don’t really have a plan. That’s why it’s not going too hot right now.” He rested his head on his paw. “Do you have any bright ideas Mr. Human?”
“I don’t know... it’s still surprises me how you knew about humans.”
Rocko shrugged. “Well, my homie in Canterlot told me about som’ aliens or summit’. Made sense with ya being who ya are.”
...Am I the only one having trouble understanding Rocko? I’m not very ‘Street’. Regardless, humans aren’t a secret for these guys at least. Still, they said that keeping it hidden might be wise. Having people going on an alien-hunt would be... unfortunate.
“Right... so is there a chance to get back at Monkey?” Maybe there’s still a small hope somewhere.
Rocko crossed his arms and looked to the ceiling. “Maybe... Well, if we can get tah rest’a the guys back... until then,” he drew his paw over his neck. “We’re doomed man. Doomed.”
Scatcat rose from his seat. “Well regardless, it’s getting late. Jazz, head out front to Billy at the bar. He’ll give you a room upstairs.” With that, he left for his own room out back.
Rocko rolled his eyes. “Yeah right, ‘late’. Imma grab another drink from the bar. See ya tomorrow dude.”
I gave myself a few minutes to think about the situation. The gang’s fallen apart. Don Monkey’s got the city in his grip and no one can stand up against him... Woopty-Doo, shit’s gone bad. Guess I’m gonna sleep on it.
I walked out to Billy Boss, who was currently getting ready for whatever rowdy customer he would have to deal with tonight. “‘Evening kiddo, Scat said to get a room?”
“Yeah, it’s been a long day. Might just get one more drink before heading to bed.”
Billy chuckled and shook his head. I really like this guy, he’s like the dad around here. Not the ‘Do your homework’ or ‘Do the dishes’ kinda dad, but the one that shares his whiskey or lets you stay up late at night to watch the adult movies... bottom-line; my dad was irresponsible, but awesome!
“One of my specials?” Billy asked knowingly. I’ve been here for 5 hours and this guy knows me better than most others. Bartenders watch out, Billy’s in town to take your jobs and possibly women! I could only nod in agreement. “OK, one Catini coming right up.”
What is there to say about Catinis? A Billy Boss special mixed with love and care. Tastes kinda like a Martini... come on, with that pun would you expect anything else? It’s also one of the only drinks that I can actually handle.
Why, you may ask? Well back home I was a pretty medium drinker, but here? New body, new alcohol-tolerance. I drink a beer and I’m plastered in this body. Now Catinis are barely alcoholic and made for the animals visiting this bar.
Indeed, this bar is not just made for animals but for those select ponies/griffins/d-dogs/whatever that knows about the animals society. Which is also why the doors are the awkward size they are. Not big, nor small.
“Here’s your drink kid. Enjoy.” Billy placed the pinkish drink in front of me.
“Thank you Billy.” I took a sip of the glass. “You know, I’ve been wondering. How come you run a bar when you were part of Scatcat’s gang?”
He leaned on the counter. “Well, think about it for a sec. What do you think Scat was doing running a mafia?” I shrugged. “Scat never wanted to be someone big and known in the underworld. Now to his misfortune, hehe, he did become big and known. He became known as ‘Big Daddy’” I swear to you I almost did a spit-take. “Scat wanted to gather all the scum in Baltimare in one group and take them off the street. Heh, and would you know it? He actually managed to do it!”
Rocko stumbled by, slightly wobbly. Jeez, how much did he drink in the last few minutes?
“Yesh... and then thingsh turned tah shiiiiit-” and with that comment, his face met the floor and a light snore began.
Billy sighed. “And would you know it? This is just the beginning of the night.” He went around the bar and heaved Rocko from the floor. “Let’s get you to bed boyo.”
“Hey Billy?” He turned to look at me. “What did he mean by ‘turned to shiiiiiiiiit...’?”
Billy shrugged with his one unoccupied shoulder. “His long-time right paw-man rebelled. Took over the gang by force and the rest is history.” He walked away with Rocko’s unconscious body... I’m stopping this sentence before it turns weird.
Right paw-man rebelled? Wait! Was Don Monkey with Scatcat? Wow, what a tweeeest!
With that said and done, my drink been drunk and my fancy rhyming done with... timing, I went upstairs and entered room 103. I was out like a light before my head hit the pillow.
I opened my eyes only to find my room missing... or rather, the entirety of Baltimare missing. Yes that’s right; dreaming once more!
Does this make me a lucid dreamer? I mean, this is technically Morpheus messing with my head to draw me here... or... You know? To prevent a headache, I’ll leave this to the gods to figure out. How he does this, why and where from, is simply not my concern!
I took a look at the room I was in. Unlike last time which had been an amphitheater, this time it was a huge room with huge marble pillars. The floor, also marble, seemed to almost radiate from the sunlight that the balcony behind me. It was honestly pretty breathtaking. I leaned on the stone railing behind me. I looked to the ceiling.
“Damn that’s tall...” I mean, really tall. Like 20 meters at least. That’s somewhere around 60 feet for you Americans. A breeze made my hair flow slightly and I turned around to look at the view.
Two things immediately came to mind. One being the sad fact that I had just wasted the word ‘breathtaking’. The second was that I had to remind myself to clean my mouth later from the fly that just flew into my gaping mouth.
The gothic spires practically reaching the heavens, combined with the everlasting sunset behind them, giving the location its rightful tranquility and entrancing aura. The grand halls and stairwells that connects the individual parts of the immense castle and the cathedral, void of needless details, but majestic in its own rights. The home of the last remaining deities of Lordran. “...That bastard... that bastard created his own damn Anor Londo!”
I looked around the room trying to find my, I guess ‘Game Master’ would be a nice term for him, but sadly came up with nothing. The stillness of not just the room, but the entire city was unnerving in a way. I remember the game (Dark Souls for those wondering) having the same issue. It might seem tranquil, but it’s actually very dangerous.
However, after a few corridors and rooms, I saw no sign of sentinels, gargoyles or silver knights. “Must be taking a holiday or something... I guess that makes sense actually; if Morph really made this place for himself, he most likely wanted it to be liveable.” Can’t imagine waking up to a gargoyle everyday... or ninjas. Seriously, what was with those ninjas?! I never figured that out!
So... a gigantic city from one of my favorite games of all time, minus the hostiles and a GM to locate. Know what this means?
“Exploration time~” I squeed.
So after a large amount of exploring Anor Londo, fueled by adrenaline and a sense of adventure, (and a few drinks from a soda machine I found in a hallway... dreams am I right?) I finally found Morpheus in the chapel (No ninjas! WIN!) sitting in front of the enormous painting, used to enter the painted world of Ariamis... the people who haven’t played this game are most likely asking themselves right now ‘What the hell is this guy on and where can I get some?’ I don’t blame ‘em.
Compared to the last time-”Greetings young one.” Please let me finish? “Oh, my apologies.” *ahem* Compared to last time I saw him, he wasn’t dressed in his blue suit, but instead a plain light blue shirt and cargo shorts. His hair had been tied up in a ponytail and he was currently sketching furiously while looking at the giant painting.
Taking another look at the painting, it didn’t look as I remembered it. Everything seemed to swirl and I had to concentrate not to get dizzy. Images appeared to blend into each other, disappear and reappear an instant later. Squinting my eyes, I could make out a few of the images.
A green minotaur punching an Ursa Major in the privates. Some sort of two horned wolf stealing from a phoenix nest. A griffin wielding a black sword taking out a large group of diamond dogs, alongside his crew of cat-people. A brown werehog if I’m not mistaking, living peacefully with a black dragon and a small foal. A white dragon in a hospital.
These and many more images flicked by in moments and I was only brought out of the trance-like state by the image of a less than appropriate dressed human female appearing on the canvas. Being the gentleman I am, I turned my head a 90 degree angle away from... OK, I took a small peek, can you blame me? She was HAWT! BOW CHIKA BOW WOW! HAMANA HAMANA HAMANA... I regret nothing, nothing I tell you!
“So... what’s got going here Morpheus?” I asked the god of dreams, or ‘the god of student wannabe artists’ would be fitting considering his looks right now and I should stop this thought seeing as he can read minds.
“I heard that.” DAMMIT! “But in regards to your question; this is why I sent you to Equestria in the first place.”
I crooked my head. “To spy on naked chicks?”
“Oh no, she is a relative.” There was an awkward silence where none of us spoke. Even the crickets didn’t chirp. “That... came out wrong...”
I swear, the look of Morph being flustered and stuttering like a fool is something I’m gonna treasure for years to come.
“Never speak of this again?” I offered.
He nodded. “Never speak of this again.”
“Never speak of this again!”
With the speed of a cheetah, his mood turned a full 180 and he was back at his normal casual attitude. “But getting back on topic; this, is the various humans scattered around the world, or at least a few of them. I have also included a few of the more interesting individuals in Equestria like the Queen of Tartarus, so and so forth.”
I looked at the painting again, carefully avoiding the image of the saucy-oh who am I kidding? I totally stared! “So this is what you meant by ‘gathering inspiration’?”
“Basically yes. I’m able to follow their endeavours from both the past and the present. Sadly I cannot peer into the future... it would certainly make my job a lot easier that way.”
I looked at the griffin. “He’s got a crew already? Wow, some people work fast. We’ve been here for like, a little over a week?”
Silence.
“Right?”
More silence.
“Right?”
Even more silence.
Without turning around, I asked him the main question on my mind at the moment. “It’s not like... we’re late to the game or anything, right?” I put a little extra emphasis on ‘late’.
Three guesses, the first two doesn’t count.
I turned around to see Morph pawing his foot. I pointed back at the painting while glaring at my GM. “Morph... how long has that griffin been here?”
He shrugged awkwardly. “Oh not that long... only about seven months or so. I mean what is a few months to an eternity-”
“SEVEN MONTHS?!” I interrupted. “I- IT’S- HOW DO YOU- GAAH!” I took a moment to calm myself down. “You mean to tell me... that there’s a guy out there, who’s got seven months on me? Seven months to prepare, while I’ve been here for under two weeks, basically fooling around?”
He smiled politely. “Oh do not worry about him, worry about the guy who has been here for fifteen years!” His smile disappeared and his eyes widened as he realized what he had just said.
“Fifteen...” I grabbed Morph’s shirt and began dragging him away. “Duke’s archives. Now! I’ve got stuff to read up on!”
Morpheus simply relaxed as I dragged him. He let out a sigh. “Mortals... when will I ever fully understand them?”
OK, duke’s archive: It's named after it's boss, Seath the Scaleless, who was awarded a Duke-dom by Lord Gwyn for the role he played in the war against the Dragons. He was driven insane during his research on the scales of immortality which he could never obtain. The area comprises of a giant, multiple story library, a prison tower and a small garden area that leads to the Crystal Cave.
“...” Morpheus looked at me. “...So what did you hope to gain by coming here?”
“...”
He grinned. “You don’t know, do you?”
“IT SEEMED LIKE A PERFECTLY REASONABLE IDEA AT THE TIME!” I yelled in frustration. Why did I come here? “Well... there’s a lot of books... Look, I don’t know, OK? I just hoped that there’s something I can use here. How was I supposed to know that nothing here is categorized?”
“Yeah, when I made this place I really just put all of my books in here. I am not much of a reader so I did not care.”
I looked at him like he had grown a second head. (Which in hindsight; god + dream world = a possibility). “This is all your books?” He nodded. “And you’re not much of a reader?”
“You try and find the time to read when you have to constantly find inspiration and make dreams for several universes. I only have as many as I have because I have been collecting them for centuries. I have even used some for inspiration~” A little twinkle appeared in Morph’s eyes. I looked at the bookcase nearest me. A worn copy of ‘The Lusty Argonian Maid’... I think I know what ‘inspiration’ he’s talking about. My GM is a perv!
“Heard that.”
DAMMIT!
“Just... just help me find something useful? Please?” I made my best sad kitty eyes... which would have worked a hell of a lot better if I was still in my cat form.
He let out a sigh. “OK then, let us search.”
Searching... searching... searching... this is the sear-r-rching song, and it’s been going on way too long. Nananananana nanaanananananaaaaaaaa nananana~
...we searched a long time, OK?
“OK, what’s with some of these titles?” I marveled at the bookcases. “How to regrow a lost limb in three easy steps., The Mystery of the Hoof. How to pick up things., The Omnomnomicon, Atlas of Equestria, now with scales., Egghead's Guide to Traveling..
The strange titles kept coming on the next few shelves.
How not to get ripped off by street magicians., A heart of iron. Tales of a pawn., Tirek Spawns for dummies., Justice and Seapony-style: A Reference Guide To Aspiring Paladins., Order and Chaos., The soup-bone., Spider-elimination, inside and outside your head., Weird Nicknames and how to Avoid them., Being a griffon 101., Legends of Lunars..
Horny wolves., The Dreamkeeper., Hungry like the Wolf.. Three issues of So... you’re now a dragon? varying between black dragons, white dragons and red dragons (meteor-shield edition, whatever that meant...) Musical theory and Shapeshifting. and a very worn down issue of Escaping Sex-Loving Death-Goddesses..
I pulled out a dusty scroll. “Wow, this is old... *pft* screw that.” I tossed it over my shoulder.
“Those dusty papers were way too old. Heh, so old you could call them elderly... scrolls... elder...” I looked behind me at the roaring fireplace and the burning scrolls.
“Oh... SHIT!”
“So as you are aware, the situation within Equestria is worse than ideal.” ”Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”
“The creatures known as Diamond Dogs has taken to enslaving the various species of the world to work in their mines. Even going as far as to enslave other Diamond Dogs.” ”Water, water, water, water, water!”
“Granted this is not for their own enjoyment. Many of them simply do so to prevent the dragons eating them.” ”What to do, what to do, what to do?!”
“The dragons however, only do so to continue their survival. They need the gems to feed on. Their natural pride and honor does not help though...” ”Right! Stomp it!” *stomp* *stomp* *stomp*
“So *snrk* let me get this straight. You tried to put out a fire by stomping on it...”
I nodded.
“The fire on the Elder Scrolls?”
I nodded again.
“The ‘indestructible’ Elder Scrolls?
…
I nodded again, this time in shame.
Morpheus fell to the floor laughing his ass off.
So after going through more books than celebrities goes through partners, we came up with... “Nothing. There’s nothing I can use here.” I sat down at a table.
“Worry not young one, we have yet to even begin digging through this place.” He was, of course, correct. We had managed to look at about 11 bookcases. We mainly had to go by the covers and titles (I know you’re not supposed to do that, but the night isn’t gonna last forever), and yes, there was over fifty other cases to go through in this room alone, but so far nothing had shown up... other than this feline anatomy book.
“Furry belly... that’s literally all this book says...”
Into the fireplace with it.
I rested my chin on the table and let out a sigh. “Let’s face it Morph, I’m screwed until I get this illusion-thing going.” I frowned. “Even then it’s not much. I have a gut-feeling that there’s other illusionists in Equestria.”
Morph put his spectacles back in his shirt-pocket and took a seat at the table. He lightly bumped my head with a book and left it on my head. “Remember what I told you? When you asked me why it was you I had chosen?”
I didn’t give an answer and looked away. OK, I’m brooding, so?
“I chose you in the crowd of a billion other humans because of two things.” He poked my forehead. “Because you are not intelligent.”
“Hey!”
“Hehe, give me a moment young one. You are not intelligent, but you are smart.”
I crooked my head and the book slid onto the table. “There’s a difference?”
“Indeed there is. You do the unexpected by using your creativity rather than your logic. You wouldn’t know how to hack the panel on the door, so instead you dig under it. You are unpredictable.” He put a hand on my head and ruffled my hair. “And when the situation truly turns for the worst, you know when to retreat. Which leads me to the second reason I chose you.”
He poked my chest right over the-Oh don’t he dare use that cli-”Your heart.” *Groan*.
“You are able to see the good in people and befriend them. You show trust even when it is not required or expected. Where your mind stops thinking, you let the heart lead you.” I was about to argue about how cliche and wrong it was. “Is it not true? Have I used months looking for a person with the humility to laugh at his misfortune and the will to protect his friends, and then found the wrong person?” He smiled knowingly.
“I... *sigh* no.” He’s right. I don’t like saying things like that about myself. It feels like I’m boasting or something. But yeah... I would rather burn in hell before my friends got hurt. “How was it that speech went? ‘I can have food or drinks spilled on me, or even be spit at and I’ll laugh about it. However... if for any reason you hurt a friend of mine, I will not forgive you!’ Goddamn One Piece.”
Morpheus looked, dare I say it, proud. “That’s what I wanted to hear young one.”
I took a look at the book he had left on my head. Party Fu: The Inconceivable Art of Random Fighting and Partying. There was a name on the first page with the author’s name.
‘Pinkamena Diane (Pinkie) Pie.’
And with that, the dream ended.
I opened my eyes and instantly got hit by a ray of sunshine from the early morning sun. it only lasted for a moment before a face appeared between me and the blasted sun. The rays seemed to make her face glow in a divine gleam. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. “Beautiful...”
The cat, which I could now identify as the tan cat that had helped us yesterday, crooked an eyebrow (these descriptions is what you get. That anatomy book was useless!) and grinned.
“Morning Mr. Handsome. You look like shit this fine morning. Get up, there’s breakfast downstairs.” She turned around and, (is that a sway in the hips I’m detecting?), walked to the door. She had only just exited my room before she stuck her head back in. “By the way, name’s Amelia. You can call me Amy. Hurry now, it’s a beautiful day outside.” She winked at me before exiting the room for real this time.
I sat on the bed, alone in my room in silence.
“...shit. I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
So after a rather embarrassing breakfast with Amy constantly teasing me, I found myself following Rocko (thankfully he’s a guy that doesn’t get hangovers) through the town. I had convinced Scatcat and Rocko to at least let me take a look in the sewers. Maybe I could make the old gang rethink their choice. If I managed that, we might just have a chance against Don Monkey’s Moufia.
“This here’s dah way down tha sewers.” Rocko said, bringing me out of my thoughts. "Just jump down, it’s safe.”
“So, what you’re saying is that we have to jump down this pipe?” He gave a small nod. “This large, green pipe?”
“Ehm... yeah? What’s the deal?”
...You’d have done the same.
“OK, considering your size, you can have any mushroom we come across, but know this!” I got in his face. “If we find any fire flowers, I’m calling dibs!” I then proceeded to jump down the pipe, whistling the Super Mario theme.
Rocko took a moment to gather his thoughts. “Are all humans like this?” He asked himself before following the crazy alien into the depths of Baltimare’s underground.
The sewers of Baltimare. Honest to god, not the worst place I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. Sure it’s dark, wet and somewhat smelly, but so are the back-rooms of McDonalds. All things considered, it made sense for the run-away rodents to gather down here. As a temporarily hiding place, this was the bomb!
The corridors twisted and turned constantly. Most ways were almost completely impenetrable from the water or pipes. I would never have found my way around down here. It was a bloody maze is what I’m saying.
“I hate mazes.” I muttered to myself as I tried to escape an especially annoying knot of pipes. Should I ever find the genius who designed this logic-forsaken place, I’d... I’d scratch him or something. “Who needs this much piping?!”
“I told ya, didn’t I?” Rocko said from a few meters in front of me, his small size making it easy for him to navigate the piping system. He had opted to work as my guide down here. Apparently the rodents in Baltimare (other cities are available) had a ‘connection’ to the underground and dark places. “This place just ain’t cool man. Are you sure you wanna do this?”
“Listen, we need more men. If we want to have any chance of bringing down Monkey, then these guys should be our best hope. If I can get them back to the gang, then we just might get you guys back on top.” My left back leg got stuck between two pipes. “Oh goddammit!”
We were quiet for a time while I continued my way through the network of ill-placed pipes. “You know...” Rocko began. “I really don’t understand you.” I responded with a ‘HA!’. He wasn’t the first to say that to me. “No, I’m serious dude. You just come into the gang, no reason at all, and now you want to help us take over da city again? Just what’s yo deal?”
I stopped, somehow hanging upside down from a valve. “Life would be incredibly dull if we had answers to all of our questions Rocko.” I answered right before I fell down on the ground.
He let out a groan of frustration. “Listen dude, even if you had a plan, which I don’t think ya actually hav’, it could take ages to find these guys. These tunnels-”
“Why can I talk?” I interrupted him. He gave me a look that could best be described as ‘WTF?’. “No really, I can talk, you can talk, but I’ve seen animals that don’t talk. What’s the deal?”
“...Why now of all times, do you wanna know this?”
“It’s been bugging me... and I need a moment to get myself free of this part.” I gestured with a nod of my head, to a knot of pipes that would make a scout piss himself with glee.
Rocko let out a groan and pinched his temples. “Right... there’s three kinda animals. Alpha, Beta ‘n Gamma, you follow?”
“Clear as day.” I responded with two legs in the air.
“OK, Alphas can talk ta anyone, and I do mean anyone. Other animals, dragons, ponies, griffins, you name it! There ain’t that many of them, but it seems like ya one of ‘em. Like Billy Boss‘n me.”
“You’re an Alpha as well?” My question came out oddly, as my head had taken refuge in an open pipe.
“You betcha! Now then, there’s Betas. These guys can only talk tah other animals. These guys are the most... eh... more...” He snapped his fingers a few times.
“Common?”
“Yeah! Common ‘n shit. And finally; Gammas. These guys can only talk tah their own kind. Bird to bird, cat tah cat and all that. They ain’t that... common, but there’s more Gammas than Alphas.”
I finally pulled myself free from the system with a final hard pull. “Well that was certainly educational-” *clank* “...Think that valve was important?”
“...I hope not." He muttered as he jumped onto my back. "But listen; how are we gonna find these guys? They could be anywhere! There’s lots’a layers in these sewers...is that drums?”
The sound of drums echoed through the tunnels. It sounded tribal with its rhythm and beat. I glanced back to Rocko for clarification. He nodded and I ran towards the sound, finally free of the pipe-requiem, quiet as a cat.
I know, I know.
“For generations we, the inhabitants of Baltimare, have been tormented! Tormented on the surface! BUT NO MORE I SAY!” The lab-coat wearing squirrel proclaimed to the crowd gathered. He adjusted his weird spiral-glasses and began speaking again. “Soon, my-eh, I mean OUR perfect world will be reality!”
The crowd let out a roar...or something that was probably supposed to be a roar. It lacked any form of enthusiasm and energy.
From our perch on a small platform, we looked down on the gathering. Every single one of them was dressed as...I think the closest thing I could relate them to was Mayans. “Are these the guys?” I whispered to Rocko beside me.
“Yeah, it’s them alright.” He frowned. “What’s that guy up to this time?”
“The guy rambling about salvation?” He nodded. “Who is he?”
“His name’s Insanu. He’s a... doctor or something.” I actually went cross-eyed for a second. I could take Equestria throwing a few cartoon characters my way, but now we’re going into a scary territory. The place called ‘Copyright-infringement’. “He’s got real sensitive eyes. Can’t stay in da sun for too long without some serious shades. Even then he’s gotta be careful.”
He eyed the group again. “But I don’t get why da guys are following him.”
Insanu kept his crazed ramblings going. “No more shall we fear the sun! Celestia’s reign of terror is no more!” Wait, what? “The coming of the shadow-god is upon us! Our freedom is within our grasp! Let this totem show us our lord and savior!” With that, a blanket was thrown off of the totem-pole behind him. The totem depicted a cat with goat horns, riding in... a minecart...
…
...Well, shit.
What was even worse was the white mouse bound to the totem. Without being an expert on tribal rituals, I could tell that it meant bad news for captive. Rocko's eyes shot up when he saw the... girl, I think. Biology is hard, okay?!
I repeat: well, shit.
“Let this pagan become the vessel of his coming. Through her sacrifice, the lord shall rise from his prison.” He pulled a controller with a big red button on it, out from under his podium. “Prepare for the ritual at twilight my brethren. Tonight, we shall become free.” With that, he walked off to god knows where, while the rest began dancing in circles around the fire centered in the room.
I gestured Rocko to follow me and began walking up through the tunnel we had come from.
We had found a little remote place behind a big pile of scrap, away from the campsite of the Mayan-mouse.
“This is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad...” Rocko was pacing back and forth muttering to himself. Personally I was doing something that I rarely do. I was thinking.
Yeah, give me some space here.
“Listen Rocko, I know you’re worried, but can you worry in peace? I’m trying to think up a plan of attack or something.”
He stopped abruptly and turned to me. “‘Or something’?! THEY’RE GONNA KILL HER! WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO THINK! LET’S JUST RUSH IN THERE AND GRAB HER AND THEN LEAVE-” You’ll be surprised by how effective a simple knock on the head is, when people are panicking. “Right. I’m sorry dude, thinkin’ ain’t my strong side.”
“Pft, that makes two of us. Listen, we don’t know if they’re actually gonna kill her.”
“He said ‘sacrifice’.”
“...Touché.”
I usually do things as I go along, but if we had to get her out alive, there wasn't room for failure. A plan was needed. I looked around me trying to find something that could help us. Nothing but old rags and planks that people had dumped in the sewers over the years. “If everything else fails, we can always knock them out with 2x4s.” I mused, trying to make light of the situation.
Remember the knock on the head? Yeah, Rocko is a hell of alot stronger than someone his size have any right to be. He actually ended up slamming my face into the ground with an axe-kick to my head. When I looked up from the floor he grabbed my whiskers and I swear that I could see fire in his eyes.
“Listn’ Jazz. She is my friend! Right now her life is in danger and I am gonna do whatever it’ll take to get her outta there, understood?! DON’T YA DARE MAKE FUN OF THIS!” He roared, remarkably loud in my face. “Now, get tah thinkin’ and help out, or go home!” He let go of me and walked a little ways away.
There was a tense silence as I simply stared at him somewhat embarrassed. I hadn’t meant to joke about it...Or well, that exactly what I meant to do, but otherwise there’s a good chance I’d freak out. I can usually avoid freaking out because I have a plan or at least a vague idea of how to get through a situation.
It was then that everything that had happened through these two weeks, came flooding at me. Being sent to another world, getting a new body, meeting a god, escaping the mafia and now trying to rescue someone I’ve never met before from a semi-insane squirrel and a bunch of wannabe Mayans. How the hell had I managed to stay sane with all of this happening?
What about my family? What about my friends? I just left everyone I knew for the chance for some adventures. My sense of curiosity finally got the best of me I think.
“Who is she?” I asked tentatively.
Rocko let out a sigh. “Her name’s Lilly. She’s an old friend from when I was a kid.” He cringed at bit at the mention of his past. Guess it’s not something he’s proud of, whatever it is. “I’ve known her pretty much my whole life. If...If I lost her...”
In the short time I had known Rocko, I had gotten to know him fairly well. He was a tough guy. One of those people you'd cross the street to avoid. One of those people whose smack-talk isn't just talk. He wasn’t a guy to lightly shed tears.
Which means that the quivering voice was very real.
I gave him an understanding smile. Worrying about friends is something that I can get behind. “Got it. Don’t worry, we’ll think of something.” OK, if I can’t get back to my own world, then I might as well make the best of it. Find a place for me in the new place and make some friends. First thing’s first; help Rocko’s friend.
‘What to do, what to do? OK, take inventory. What do we have? Some wood, some rags and a shit-ton of scrap.’ I raised an eyebrow when I looked closer at the scrap-pile near us.
“What’s this?” I jumped onto a box and removed a large board from the pile, which obscured something rather surprising.
“…”
“Is that...”
“Yes Rocko... yes it is...”
“But why is it...”
“People throw everything in the sewers nowadays, my friend.”
I ran over to the rags and took out a piece of red cloth and began cutting it into shape with a claw. Now draped in my new fancy, red sleeveless shirt, I struck a pose. “Rocko, I hope you like to learn stuff, 'cus I'm gonna teach you about something that we humans like to call 'shock and awe'.”
Insanu entered the chamber once again, now wearing a crooked smile on his face. Things were going swimmingly, all according to plan. All he needed to do now, was getting rid of the one person who knew what was really going on. “Shame really, Lilly had been such a wonderful assistant up till now. Maybe I should just brainwash her instead? Nah, sticking to the basics is the way to go.” He stopped for a second. “I really should stop speaking about my plans out loud.”
With that, he walked onto the stage again and spoke in a loud voice. “Brothers! The time has come for the ritual to be-Wait a second... What the hell is that music?”
Oh, they never saw us coming.
Out from one of the sideways of the chamber, came a minecart at full speed. In the cart was a mouse and a cat, both playing air-guitar. The cat wore a red shirt with no sleeves on and the mouse, the same, but blue.
On the front of the minecart was the words ‘Billy and Jimmy’s Swagwagon’ written.
The cart travelled through the gathering of mice that had, thankfully, given way for the big cart. A small grey voles looked at the vehicle with astonishment. He had not heard of such glorious things from others than his uncle Caboose, the vehicle-destroyer.
The cart came to a screeching halt beside the totem-pole. The feline cut the ropes quickly and the mouse caught the unconscious prisoner in his arms.
The duo gave each other a brofist before the black cat turned to the audience.
Like running through town only wearing undies, trying to climb the T-Rex at the Museum of Natural History, or starting a barfight only equipped with a deck of cards and a set of fake teeth.
All of these situations had one thing in common.
Alcohol.
And lots of it.
Alcohol has more than once made me wake up in an alleyway somewhere, leaving me utterly confused as to where I was. Which is why waking up wet, cold, alone and screaming something about how ‘Polka will never die!’ was something I had tried before.
I sat up on the cold stone floor in the sewer. A leaking pipe had invaded the cavities in the floor, and made it a wannabe water-park. The floor was littered with debris and the minecart from earlier lay broken, a few meters from me.
I was cold, my head hurt worse than my internet bills had hurt my bank accounts back home, and soaked to the bone in sewer water. I had enough coherence to urk at the latter. All in all, an average Sunday morning after a night’s out.
The dress was new to me though.
Looking down, I found myself wearing a frilly pink ballerina skirt. I had enough leftover coherence to urk at that as well. I stood up, wobbling slightly, and tried to get the skirt off of me.
I couldn’t.
Trying to take it off resulted in me letting out a small hiss of pain as something resembling glue made the pink fabric stick to my furr.
“What a way to start the day,” I mumbled. “Hey Rocko? Where are we...? Rocko?”
I looked around me and found nobody. Looking up, I could see the hole in the ceiling a good distance above myself.
“The hell happened?”
I did what Winnie the Pooh would do in my situation (although, I doubt he’d ever wake up as a cat in a sewer, wearing a skirt)...I began thinking like I’d never thought before.
~~~ Flashback ~~~
I grinned at the baffled crowd.
Somewhere within me, I was overjoyed that this had actually worked. Another part of me was rolling on the floor at my own genius fusion of a Double Dragon reference with the Warthog theme. The last part of my mind was trying to make me remember something important. No clue what it was.
“So,” Rocko said. “How do we get outta here?”
...Well played brain, well played.
I laughed nervously. “Still working out the kinks.” I scratched my face.
Rocko looked at me with a blank face, still holding the unconscious Lilly in his arms. “You haven’t got a clue, do ya?”
I gave him a flat look. “See? This is why I don’t do plans. I always forget a small detail here and there.”
“It’s the entire second half of da plan!”
“Details.” I gestured dismissively with a wave of my paw. I looked at Insanu and waved at him. “Hi there.”
“Who the heck are you?” he asked with a dumbfounded expression on his face. He looked at the minecart and back to me a few times, trying to piece the events of what had just happened together in his mind. His eyes seemed to finally land on the crude text on the front of the cart. “So? You thought you could stop me... Billy and Jimmy?”
I was just about to correct him, but he didn’t let me. “WELL THINK AGAIN!”
Rocko leaned close to me. “Should we tell ‘im?”
I scratched my chin in thought. "Hmm... nah." Rocko shrugged in return and jumped onto the floor beside the cart.
Insanu seemed to have gotten over his hissy-fit, which admittedly scared me somewhat. If what Rocko told me about the hit was true, then he was a hell of a lot smarter than he looked... which isn't saying a lot really.
He's a squirrel with those funny hypno-glasses for god's sake. He's less of a supervillain and more of something you'd find on the front-page of Reddit. I need to take a picture. Oh the amount of upvotes I'd get from it... I'm rambling again, I'll move right along.
"So," Insanu began his diabolical dialogue. "You thought you could stop me; the great and powerful Ins-"
I cleared my throat. "Taken."
"What?"
"Title's taken, can't use that."
"Oh, ehm... 'The Grand'?"
"And have every hero make fun of your size? Try again," I deadpanned.
Insanu seemed lost in thought for a minute before snapping his paw."'The Incredible!'"
"A bit generic, but it works."
"Right then, now where was I? Oh yes; so you, yadda yadda yadda, The Incredible Insanu? Ha! That will be the day where princess Luna wears undergarments!"
I think I heard a cricket drop a pin somewhere.
~~~Canterlot Castle~~~
Luna felt a shudder down her spine. She looked around her, wondering if there was a draft somewhere in her room.
~~~Baltimare Sewers~~~
Insanu let out a tired sigh. "I'm gonna have to think up some better analogies, aren't I?"
"Yeah..." I cringed. “You’re new to this aren’t you?”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” he muttered.
"Ah. So..." I gestured in the direction of the still baffled crowd. "Pay by hour standard issue goons?"
"Minor hypnosis actually," he said, looking rather proud of himself. "They don't even know that they're following orders."
"Ooh, that's good. That's good." There was an awkward silence between us. "So you've gotten yourself situated nicely down here. Installed any lasers yet?"
He crossed his arms and tilted his head. "Haven't thought about it yet. I'm more of a 'do-it-yourself' kinda guy, you know." I nodded understandingly. "Think that I should?"
"Well I think it's standard issue for any mad scientist. Might wanna have a professional look at it; those lasers needs to be calibrated you know."
"Ah. Will do." He shook his head. “Wait a minute! I see your cunning ploy feline!”
I rose an eyebrow. "You do?"
"Yeah, you're trying to get information on my plans!"
My other eyebrow rose now. "I am?"
He began circling the minecart I was still sitting on, like a predator. "You're a smart one aren't you?"
"I barely know what 'ploy' means!" I cried out, throwing my paws in the air. "I only just arrived two minutes ago!"
"Oh yeah? Then I bet you didn't expect this!" He stomped the ground which made a lever appear out of the ground at his feet. He pulled it and the ground beneath the minecart shake. I let out a sigh.
"I should really have seen that coming." I turned to Rocko. "You should probably move back a bit."
He took a few steps back and the last thing I remember is the minecart and moi, falling through le trapdoor into la darkness de long way down.
Viva la gravity!
~~~ Flashback End ~~~
So if I fell down the pit, then why... I looked behind me and saw a notice-sign on the wall with the words:
Bottomless pit - Under construction
Several long minutes went past in silence, as I stared at the sign in disbelief. My gaping mouth slowly turned into a shit-eating grin and I burst out laughing. I knew that Rocko and Lilly were most likely in danger and I had to help them, but wow! I was full of adrenaline! Ever tried crossing the street and almost get hit by a car? Then afterwards you're standing on the sidewalk, laughing from the adrenaline, and the feeling of being alive follows you for the rest of the day. You listen to the birds and smell the flowers.
I tried to smell the flowers and it was a foul smell.
Oh right, sewers.
I rose and looked at one of the old tunnels in front of me, with an incredible amount of swagger. Dusting off my shoulder, I split a grin on my face.
“Oh Insanu, you’ve done it now. I’ll show you what happens when someone takes my friends. I’ll let you experience the true meaning-UH SOMETHING SHINY!” With that, I took off into the dark tunnel.
...I never did find out what was up with the skirt.
Rocko slowly woke up. The sharp light from overhead hurt his eyes as he opened them. His entire body and mind felt relaxed to a degree he had never felt before. He simply wanted to continue lying here in the comfort, completely free of worries. Had he died? Was this heaven?
A shadow appeared between him and the light. Insanu grinned. “Good morning.”
“HEAVEN SUCKS!” Rocko shouted in surprise.
Insanu stumbled backwards at the sudden outbreak. Rocko could hear things falling in the direction that Insanu had jumped, but found himself unable to move his head. A strap held his head tightly facing up. Insanu peeked over Rocko again, a few stray wires across his shoulders.
“That was incredibly rude shouting in my face like that, you know,” he scoffed.
“RUDE?!” Rocko shouted, dumbfounded. “Ya were the one tah kidnap me, strap me onto a table and then scare da everlivin’ shit outta me and I’M the one being rude?!”
“Of course when you put it like that it might sound bad-” Rocko scowled at him. “Okay, it’s bad regardless of how you put it, but this is what evil scientists make their bread and butter on.” Insanu produced a noteblog from a table behind him. “How’s the straps by the way? Do you get the sense of dread? Do you fear for your life? Getting a feeling of claustrophobia yet?”
Rocko raised an eyebrow at the evil squirrel genius. “Ehm... gettin’ a bit uncomfortable I guess... nuttin’ more.”
Insanu looked up from his notes. “No fear, dread or even the need to yield to my superiority? No nothing?”
“Nope.”
“Gonna have to get my bits back from that crook then. Oh well, it’s a learning experience.” He pressed a button under the table which released Rocko’s head, enabling him to look around the room. Vials of various questionable colors and odd shapes filled the tables, sending smoke into the air. Bunsen burners stood at the ready, one heating what seemingly looked like a coffee pot. Tubes and wires seemed to almost replace the walls, sending liquids and gas to wherever Insanu needed it.
It was a bomb waiting to blow.
“Impressed?” Insanu asked hopefully.
“I would if ah knew what half of these things did...” Rocko answered dumbly.
Quicker than Pinkie Pie imitating a Mexican radio host on caffeine trying to explain to his angry wife where his last paycheck went, Insanu began scrambling around the lab, explaining this and that object. Rocko couldn’t care less and tried to wiggle out of his restrains.
“Don’t even bother,” a voice came from his side. “You won’t get free from that I’m afraid.”
Rocko turned to look and found Lilly strapped down like himself. Rocko grinned madly. “Lilly! You’re okay!”
Lilly smiled sadly. “I guess that’s arguable, but I’m alive yeah. Never mind me, what are you doing down here? Did anything happen top-side?”
“Well, da boss got outta Monkey’s prison and we’re trying to get some of the guys back in da gang, ya know?”
“...I feel like you’re keeping something from me.”
“Oh, and an alien using illusions from another dimension is trying tah help me.”
Lilly stared at Rocko in silence for a minute. “Next time, just tell me that the sun exploded or something. It would certainly be easier to believe. Do you think that he can help us?”
“Ehm...” Rocko thought back on the time he’d known Jazz. “Everything’s relative ya know...Ya should come back up Lil Lil, weird things are happening all the time recently. Just ya game.”
Lilly rolled her eyes. “Sure, if we survive this I’ll give it a go, Richard.”
Rocko winced. “Don’t call me that!”
“Then don’t call me that stupid nickname either!”
“OK!”
“OK!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
“Good lord, I’ve caught a married couple.” Insanu muttered between the tables, having finished his rounds in the lab somewhere around ‘aliens’.
“WE’RE NOT A COUPLE!” Both Lilly and Rocko shouted in unison, making Insanu flinch.
“Alright, alright, shut up! I’ve had enough of your complaining Jimmy!”
“...That’s not-”
“Shut up!”
“But-”
“Shh!”
“B-”
“SHH!”
Rocko opened his mouth, only for Insanu to scowl at him. Realizing that he probably wouldn’t change Insanu’s mind, Rocko let it go with an exasperated expression.
“Now,” Insanu began. “It is time for the fun to begin!” He pulled a lever on a panel and the ceiling above Rocko opened up. Sunlight began shining down on him. Insanu began pressing buttons furiously and a giant wall of glass slowly began sliding over the hole.
“Did you really make a giant magnifying glass Insanu?” Lilly asked incredulously as she stared at the contraption. “I mean, really? A giant magnifying glass?”
“Of course!” Insanu hollered victoriously. “People will never see it coming!”
“So... what now?” Rocko asked confused.
The light that hit the table between Rocko’s legs produced a small flame, which slowly began travelling closer and closer to Rocko. “Now, you’re probably gonna feel a little warmth in a minute.” Insanu began laughing madly as he reached for another lever on the wall with the symbol of a turtle and a bunny in the other end.
Rocko finally understood what was gonna happen and he didn’t like it one bit. “So ya expect me tah burn?”
Insanu stopped as he put his paw on the lever. “No, Mr. Jimmy. I expect you to fry!” He was just about to pull the lever, but then...
To Be Continued...
...Right now.
*Boom*
“What was that?” Insanu asked.
Lilly looked around the room. “No clue.”
*Boom*
“Is it coming closer?”
*Boom*
“I think so...”
“What is it?”
Rocko grinned as a realization dawned upon him. “I think ah know.”
*pant* *pant* *pant*
“-and this one.”
Insanu ran to Rocko’s side and stared at him from behind his swirly-glasses. “What? What is it?!” he asked frantically. Whatever it was it couldn’t be anything nice.
“Just a up ahead. This right ‘ere...”
Rocko smirked. “Oh you’ll see.”
“Aaannnd, last one. Now for the door.”
The door slammed open as a black cat wearing a yellow safety-helmet and a frilly pink ballerina skirt entered, laughing his furry little ass off. As the dust settled, he took a few steps forward and dropped a long brown bag onto the floor.
"Hello, building inspector here. I'm here to check up on the structure regulations around here."
“What da heck took ya so long?!” Rocko shouted from his table.
Alfred, Insanu’s owl butler, came in from behind Jazz. “Sir, I am dreadfully sorry that I couldn’t stop him. When I asked him to halt, he simply responded with, and pardon my language, ‘Fuck da police’. He then proceeded to tilt every painting he passed on the way here.”
Jazz giggled merrily as Insanu pinched his temples. “Ugh, walking down that hallway is gonna give me such a headache now."
“Hoh boy, you won’t believe the adventure I’ve had while you were gone Rocko. Look at this hat! It’s a hat-” Jazz tapped on the rim of the helmet and it turned into a black bowler-hat. “That turns into other hats! It’s every TF2 player’s wet dream! Also, never trust directions from a drunken sewer rat.”
Insanu drew a cylinder from the table and pointed it at Jazz. “Don’t come any closer. I have technology and I’m not afraid to use it!”
Jazz grinned at him.
“Remember that analogy you used earlier Insanu? About when I would stop you? Well... I see Coltron, I see Prance. I see Luna’s-”
~~~Canterlot Castle~~~
Luna felt yet another shudder run down her spine.
“Are you OK Luna?” Celestia asked concerned, relieved for the small interruption of a particularly pompous noblespony.
“I may have caught something dearest sister. I shall leave you to your duties and retire to my quarters for a rest.”
Celestia gazed longingly after Luna as she left the royal courtroom. The noblespony gave a low cough and Celestia tried her best to smile at him. “Why did you leave me Lulu?”
~~~Baltimare Sewers, Insanu’s Lab~~~
“Now to continue the building inspector-joke from before...” Jazz reached into the bag and drew out an oversized mini-gun. “Let’s talk insurance.”
“You see your highness, my situation is rather unique-”
Just like the last 20 ponies before you.
“-and if last year’s budget is anything to go by-”
Oh please. By all means, indulge me.
“-I might just sound paranoid, but I can’t-”
Paranoid? Probably. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there isn't an invisible demon about to eat your face.
“-not to mention my competitors in this day and age-”
Will he ever finish?
Celestia’s eyes were starting to drop out of sheer boredom. Day Court, while not normally very entertaining, seemed even more drawn out today. Somehow she had grown to almost enjoy the chaos that the humans brought with them every day. It certainly gave her a breather from the boring nobles with financial issues. Couldn’t Knightmare whip up a castle-wide dance routine right about now? How about Griffin smashing through the window? Couldn’t Discord just get loose for five minutes? Something to break the monotony of having to deal with pretty much the same problem multiple times in the Day Court.
Sadly none of these things happened. Celestia was left to her boredom, in solitude and silence.
“So,” said the noblespony proudly. “What does your highness make of my suggestion?”
Celestia put a hoof to her chin, using several years worth of training to appear to be thinking deeply, and let out a low ‘hmm’.
“You make well for your case Mr. Snooty,” she said gently. “I think I shall consider it overnight if you don’t mind.”
“Not at all your highness!” The aforementioned noble proclaimed as he scooted backwards, out of the courtroom.
As the doors closed, Celestia let out a grumble as she rested her forehead on the armrest. She closed her eyes and focused on getting herself together for the last few ponies of the Day Court for the day.
Feeling better, she raised her head and put her chin on the armrest. She looked with pleading eyes to the royal guard stationed by her throne.
“Please tell me what he wanted?” She asked with a quivering lower lip.
Celestia had only just heard her bedroom door close, before her head hit the pillow. She let out a low groan into the fluffy object of her momentary and fleeting focus. How could one single Day Court contain so... little?
“Anything the matter dear sister?”
It wasn’t quite an unladylike squeal that Celestia produced at the sudden noise, but it sure came close.
“Luna!” She wheezed. “Don’t scare me like that!”
Luna covered her muzzle with a hoof to hide her grin, as she stepped out of the shadows. “I do apologize sister, but you seemed so lifeless. I almost thought you had passed away of old age.” Luna’s grin was replaced with a thrown pillow from the Sun Goddess.
“What have I told you about Griffin’s ‘trolling’?” She smirked. “There’s such a thing as karma.”
Luna giggled. “My mission was successful; you are smiling.” She sat down on her sister’s bed, hugging the pillow. “Do tell what is bothering you dearest sister.”
Celestia lay back in her bed and stared at the ceiling. “It’s just... it’s just so peaceful these days.”
Luna rose an eyebrow. “And that is... a bad thing?”
“Oh heavens no!” Celestia exclaimed looking up at Luna with wide eyes. “It’s just... well, you know how it’s been since the humans have arrived, correct?”
Luna rolled her eyes playfully. “Oh no, I haven’t noticed anything of the sort dear sister.” Celestia glared at Luna. “Yes, yes. Well, I would say it has been... eventful would be the word, I believe.”
“And that’s the problem. So much has happened so incredibly fast, that we had to move with it. And then when there’s suddenly a lull in everything? Where nothing is happening? Everything seems so slow.” Celestia rolled onto her side. “I feel bored Luna, so incredibly bored. I treasure every second of peace, sure, but...” She blew a few raspberries in exasperation.
Luna looked at her sister thoughtfully. She wanted to help her in some way, but how could she...
Then, a light lit up for Luna. She grinned excitedly. If this worked out right, the night would indeed be long. “Weeeeell~” She said in a sing-along tune.
“Oh no...” Celestia’s eye twitched. “I know that sound. That’s the sound of something terrible about to go down.”
Luna had enough pride to look hurt. “Oh it is not that bad.”
Celestia looked at her skeptically. “Remember last time?”
Luna looked away and pouted. “We paid the cabbage seller back for his wagon.”
“And you poured honey on five stands in the market.” Celestia added.
Luna smiled. “And that guard ended up as a pinãta at a foal’s birthday party.”
“He’s still pulling out splinters from the bats.” Celestia chuckled.
“And spitting out candy!” Luna laughed.
Both Celestia and Luna had tears in their eyes when they finished laughing. Luna wiped away a stray tear. “Trust me Celly, you will like this. I promise.”
Celestia smirked. “Can you promise me that nothing breaks or get doused in sweet animal by-products?”
Luna returned the pillow from earlier.
Celestia felt herself almost floating. Dreaming was a nice thing, at least she could entertain herself imagining the most wonderous of adventures. But for now she had an appointment. Someone to meet.
“Hello Luna.” She said as her sister appeared out of the mist of her realm. Tel'aran'rhiod, or the ‘Dream world’ as it was more commonly known as, wasn’t unfamiliar to the sun regent, but Luna, having the affinity for the moon as she had, was much more accustomed to the realm.
“Good evening sister.” Luna replied merrily. “Just follow me and you’ll be sure to have a good time.”
Celestia walked after Luna, her steps audible in the void. “So, where are we going?” She began imagining all the amazing places they could go. In the land of dreams, nothing was beyond possible. Maybe they were going to Prance? It had been ages since she had been there and felt the cobblestone streets beneath her hooves. Maybe the peaks of Mt. Ember, just as the sun appeared on the horizon, sending cascades of light over them. Or maybe they were going to-
“A bar?” Celestia asked baffled. She gaped at Luna. “You bring me to another realm of infinite possibilities, traverse the place that most mortals never step hoof on or even hear about, with the promise of a good time... And you give me a shady, run-down, possibly rat-infested bar?”
Luna was aghast. “Sister! It is not a shady, run-down, possibly rat-infested bar!” She looked at the building and back at Celestia. “It is an inn.”
Celestia groaned and looked at the sign hanging above the door. Beneath the grime and wear she could make out a few letters.
“‘Pony’... something?”
“Ah ah ah, dear sister. It is not simply any pony; it is THE pony.” Luna added with a smile. “Actually it is prancing, so it is a prancing pony. THE Prancing Pony if you will.” She said as he moved for the door.
“Wait, you’re just gonna go in?” Celestia asked surprised. “Won’t they be a bit surprised to see the princess in there?”
Luna looked over her shoulder with a grin, already opening the door. “Oh whatever do you mean dear sister? I am a regular here!” She all but dashed through the door.
“Luna! Wait!” Celestia called, rushing in after her.
The inside of the prancing pony was... way different than the outside would suggest. The floors were clean and there wasn’t the slightest sight of anything messy or unknown substance on the tables. On the wall hang pictures and trinkets of all kinds. Adding in the candles on the walls, made the place rather homely in an odd fashion.
What really surprised her was the variety of creatures seated at the tables and at the counter. She had expected... well, she didn’t really know what she had expected. Tel'aran'rhiod wasn’t only for the people of her dimension, but that of others’ as well. So seeing at least one or two of every species in Equestria shouldn’t surprise her as much as it did. All around her she saw Diamond Dogs laugh and drink merrily with ponies and griffins. A bast was in the middle of telling a story about the hunt he had been on earlier today in a very animated fashion, for a pegasus and a minotaur. A burly earth pony and a minotaur was in a heated drinking competition, the bull apparently somewhat in the lead.
Not a single one of them didn’t have a smile on their face. In Equestria it wasn’t unheard of for multiple species to drink together, but never in such numbers as she saw before her eyes. In a way, it was everything she had ever wished Equestria to be.
Luna walked to the middle of the room and got on her hind legs while sweeping her forelegs to the sides. “HELLO GENTLEMEN!” She shouted, just barely reaching into the royal canterlot voice.
An old scruffy diamond dog raised an eyebrow at the sudden sound and looked to the middle of the room where his eyes went wide as he saw the new arrivals. He let out a bark of laughter as he turned to the rest of the customers in the room.
“Hey people! Look who’s here? The moon in all her glory!” He put on his best doggie grin as the other patrons slowly began either calling greetings or doing cheeky cat-calls at her.
Luna laughed and looked at the crowd smugly. “Who is the fairest of them all?” She asked, going through the usual routine.
“The moon, the moon!”
“And who is the merriest of them all?” Came a shout from behind the bar.
The old diamond dog looked surprised for a second before comprehension dawned. “He’s here!” He yelled excitedly.
“The cat, the cat!” Came the reply from the crowd, Luna joining them.
Jumping onto the counter came, what Celestia had no doubt, a human. He wore a suit and a black bowlerhat. In his left hand he held a violin and the bow in his right. ‘The cat’ as they called him laughed and it seemed to almost brighten the room several shades. He was radiating happiness.
“Alright people,” Came the bartender’s voice. His golden hair was tied in a ponytail and he wore an apron with few spots on it. He too appeared human. “You know the drill! The cat and the moon is in the same room, at the same time!” The entire crowd fell silent as the ‘cat’ brought the bow to the violin.
“What’s going on? Who is he?” Celestia whispered to Luna, only to be shushed in return.
“Just wait and see dear sister.” Luna whispered back gleefully.
He jumped down the counter and began taking steps towards Luna, playing all the while. The crowd cheered and whooped in excitement for what was about to go down.
“Moon came rolling down the hill, one hevensday night to drink her fill.”
Luna took a few steps closer to the human and began singing as well, backed by a few of the guests.
“On a three-stringed fiddle there, played the Ostler's Cat so fair. The horned cow that night was seen, to dance a jig upon the green.” They sang as a minotaur, despite his awkward size, danced.
Standing back to back, Luna and the human sang together.
“Called by the fiddle to the middle of the muddle where the Cow with a caper sent the Small dog squealing. Moon in a fuddle went to Huddle by the griddle but she slipped in a puddle and the World went reeling.”
“Downsides went up- Hey! Outsides went wide As the fiddle Played a twiddle And the moon slept till Sterrenday Upsides went west- hey! Broadsides went boom. With a twiddle on the fiddle In the middle by the griddle And the Moon slept till Sterrenday.”
Putting even more effort into his playing, the human jumped onto one of the tables and played to his heart’s content.
The human pointed to one of the tables for them to continue the song.
“Dish from off the dresser pranced, Found a spoon and gaily danced.” Sang a merry Bast.
“Horses neighed and champed their bits For the bloodshot moon had lost her wits.” It came from a pegasus who clapped his hooves as he sang.
“Well, cow jumped over, Dog barked wild,” The old diamond dog sang and put his paws under his head, while blinking flirtingly. “Moon lay prone and sweetly smiled.”
The minotaur seated at the table called to the bartender. “Ostler cried,” to which the man called, "Play faster Cat!” as he pointed to the Fiddler.
“Because we all want to dance like that." The whole table sang together.
The crowd all began singing and dancing.
“Gambol and totter till you're hotter than a hatter and you Spin all akimbo Like a windmill flailing Whirl with a clatter till you Scatter every cotter and the Strings start a-pinging as the World goes sailing.”
As they sang, they slowly came to the floor in the center of the room.
“Downsides go up- hey! Outsides go wide. With a twiddle on the fiddle In the middle by the griddle And the Moon slept till Sterrenday. Upsides go west- hey! Broadsides go boom. With a batter and a clatter You can shatter every platter But the Moon slept till Sterrenday.”
Standing in two rows, the lunar princess and the fiddle player took position in between, facing each other. And thus began the greatest sing-off that Tel'aran'rhiod had ever seen.
“Fi-fo-fiddle-diddle,” it came from the Fiddler’s side. “Fi-fo-fiddle-diddle,” Luna’s side repeated. “Hey-yey-yey-yey-oh-ho.” “Hey-yey-yey-yey-oh-ho.” “Hey-hey-din-gen-do.” “Hey-hey-din-gen-do.” “Hoo-rye-and-hott-a-cott-a ho.” “Hoo-rye-and-hott-a-cott-a ho ho.” “Hott-a-cott-a-hotta-ko.” “Hott-a-cott-a-ko-cotta-ko-ho.” “Fi-fo-fiddle-diddle-hi-ho.” “Fi-fo-fiddle-diddle-hi-ho.” “Ho fiddlee-ding-galli-do.” “Ho fiddlee-ding-galli-do.” “Hoo-rye-hoo-rye oops-oops- ay!” “Hoo-rye-hoo-rye oops-oops- ay!” “Hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-mi-fo-fo!” “Hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-mi-fo-fo!” “Hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-hotta-cotta-mi-fo-fo!” Both sides babbled.
The entire room broke into cheers and dance as they came out from the lines.
“Downsides go up- hey! Outsides go wide. With a twiddle on the fiddle In the middle by the griddle And the Moon slept till Sterrenday. Upsides go west- hey! Broadsides go boom. With a batter and a clatter You can shatter every platter But the Moon slept till Sterrenday.”
People laughed at the silliness and gave a last few cat-calls towards Luna before heading back to their seats and drinks. Luna winked at the cat-callers and hugged the Fiddler briefly.
“Oh Jazz, it has been too long. How have you fared?” Luna asked breathing a little harder after the song and dance.
“Heh, yeah it has been a while hasn’t it?” Jazz replied, not tired in the least. “You never come around here anymore.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “You try co-ruling a country and see how much free time you have.” She stiffened as she heard a cough from behind her.
“Apparently enough free time to become a regular at a bar at the very least.” Celestia said with a raised eyebrow. “Mind introducing me, Luna?”
“Not necessary, your highness,” Jazz said as he took off his bowler and placed it above his heart. He bowed lightly. “My name if Jazz di Vongola. It’s an honor making your acquaintance, princess Celestia vi Everfree. Might I add, you look especially astonishing tonight.”
Celestia looked at Jazz in slight disbelief. It was rare for humans, at least those of which she had met, to show manners and class... for more than five seconds anyways.
“It’s a pleasure making your acquaintance as well, Mr. Vongola.” Celestia found herself saying.
“Oh please, Jazz will do.” He gestured to the counter. “Please, have a seat. Morph, three mugs of the good stuff.”
Morph, in but one of his many roles, acted out his part and soon three mugs of brown liquid stood before them. Celestia looked at her mug with no small amount of resignation. She wasn’t above drinking alcohol, not in the slightest, but you never knew what you would get served in the land of dreams.
Not that either Jazz nor Luna had any restraints seeing as they were already chugging away.
“It’s wise to be cautious, but do not worry princess of the sun. No harm will come to you in my house.” Morpheus chuckled gently.
“Oh, I meant no offense.” Celestia apologized. “What may I call you?”
Morph grabbed a mug and began cleaning it with piece of cloth. “I am the leader of the Oneiroi. Son of the Night and Darkness. The bringer of Agamemnon’s war. I am the sandman. I am Ole Lukøje. The creator of dreams. The daughter of the Moon’s boss. I am Morpheus, Celestia, daughter of the Sun, and tonight...” Morpheus smiled warmly. “I am also your waiter.”
Celestia was at a loss for words. It simply sounded too incredible to be true, yet... “You’re not lying, are you?” Celestia asked curiously. “But what would a lord of Tel'aran'rhiod be doing serving beer in an bar?”
Morpheus gestured around the bar. “Look around you. Everywhere you look there’s not a single frown. Here you simply forget about titles, castes and race. You only see the person within. I run this place to let them have a rest from the hardships of life.” He pointed to a scruffy-looking diamond dog. “Look at old T-Bone over there. All of his life he’s been a slave in the mines, but here he’s enjoying peace and quiet with friends.”
His finger moved to an old scarred earth pony on the other end of the room. “Book Smart over there is an old soldier from the borders. Every night he suffers from night terrors caused by a lifetime of attacks by diamond dogs.” Book Smart toasted and clinked his glass together with a diamond dog across the table. “Only here is he truly at peace.”
His eyes widened slightly and he grinned. “And not to mention-”
“Noblespony Bits Snooty?!” Celestia exclaimed. “Whatever is he doing here? I was just talking to him earlier today.” She looked questionably at Morpheus.
“He worries about a flower shop in Canterlot that is about to close down. He wanted to pay off their debt himself, but the owner’s pride wouldn’t let her accept the generous offer. Instead he went to the only pony he knew could help him help her; you.”
Celestia slumped further into her chair. “I... I didn’t... the nobles are usually so-”
“It’s a funny story really,” Morph smiled. “When the cards of fate were shuffled, he was a good candidate for the Element of Generosity. He does this out of more than simple good-will of course. He’s deeply in love with the florist.”
Celestia looked back the Bits Snooty, feeling somewhat awful for how she had thought his request insignificant.
“Don’t worry Celestia, there’s still time. You promised to answer him tomorrow.” Morph winked.
The corner of Celestia’s mouth raised in a small smile of her own. She regarded her glass of beer and looked up at the god of dreams. “It’s a nice bar you have,” she said, now almost beaming with joy. She felt warm inside from the display of comfort on display in the room. In a way it was all she had dreamed about Equestria being, as ironic as that was seeing where she currently were. “I hope Equestria can become like this one day. A place of peace and laughter.”
“One day Celestia, one day it will.” Morph continued cleaning the glass as Celestia sipped her beer.
It was delicious.
“Also; you’re wrong.” Morph suddenly said out loud.
Celestia put down her glass and raised an eyebrow questionably.
“It’s not a bar.” His mouth spread in a shit-eating grin. “It is an inn.”
Bits Snooty adjusted his tie for the umpteenth time within two minutes. He wasn’t usually this nervous when dealing with official matters. Surely she would decline his request, she must have way more important matters to deal with than his.
Snooty finally gathered enough courage to knock on the door to the courtroom. He had barely removed his hoof from the mahogany doors before they were thrown open and morning sun shone through.
“Ah, good morning Mr. Snooty.” Came princess Celestia’s voice from the door. She was positively beaming at him.
Needless to say, Snooty was more than slightly surprised by the sudden enthusiasm by the princess. Yesterday she had looked a lot more reserved. “Oh! Your highness! I-”
Celestia held up a hoof to silence him. “No, allow me. I have considered your request greatly Mr. Snooty. Walk with me.” She put a wing over his shoulders and led him down the hall. Bits was stunned at the events occurring.
“I- you- but-” Bits stuttered.
She smiled gently at him. “Tell me Snooty, do you like flowers?”
“I mean, I’ve got nothing against the boss ya know? He’s a cool but... ya know...” Balthe drew a small circle with his paw by his temple.
Rocko blew a raspberry while rolling his eyes.
Rocko and Balthe, a newer member of the Family, was strolling around Baltimare. The city was finally back to it’s former glory. The animals were quiet and everyone could walk the streets safely again.
“Listen bro, when ya get tah know Jazz better, ya’ll realize one thing.” He gestured Balthe closer and whispered to him conspiratorially. “Ya’ll never understand ‘im.” He said deadpanned before continuing along the road.
Balthe sagged his shoulders and ran after Rocko. “But all the stuff he does... How does he do it? I mean... I once saw him pull a rubber chicken out of nowhere and put in on Peppo’s head. He’s scary dude.”
Rocko stopped at the intersection and waited for a series of carts to pass by. “Ya learn tah live with it. The chicken ain’t tha weirdest thing ah’ve seen’m do.”
As if on cue, a giant galley on wheels came down the street. On it were a large amount of ponies wearing pirate outfits, all of them singing. On the bow of the ship stood Jazz, wearing a captains hat and a navy blue uniform.
The galley stopped for a cart crossing the intersection. Jazz noticed a bored-looking Rocko and a utterly baffled Balthe waiting to cross the street. He gave an honorary salute which Rocko returned without enthusiasm.
Seeing the road being clear, the galley began moving again, continuing off to god knows where.
“The chicken ain’t tha weirdest thing ah’ve seen’m do... It’s when he does shit like that, that he scares da crap outta me.”
