• Published 7th Aug 2017
  • 7,238 Views, 87 Comments

Now Tell Me, What Does This Look Like to You? - Punished Venom Muddy

Anon decides to stop being a lazy piece of human garbage, taking it upon himself to find a job. He decides to be a therapist, because he totally has the qualifications for that.

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Have You Ever Heard of Juice? [Pt. 1]

Waking up the next morning you were assaulted by your own stench, the stink of sweat emanating off of your body. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to just jump into bed while still wearing your clothes you had worked in? Shrugging it off as another life lesson learned, you peeled yourself from the sheets and made your way to the bathroom. After draining the old 'one-eyed-snake', making sure to shake out every last drop (still managing to have one small drip come out into your pants) you disrobed and got into the pony-sized shower. You had gotten used to washing yourself whilst hunched over, finding it somewhat more enjoyable than standing and washing. Forced to hunch over you got to feel the warm water hit your whole body all at once!

Finishing the song you were singing and stepping out of the shower, turning off the water as you exited, you dried yourself off and went to the mirror to admire yourself. Looking yourself over in the mirror you realized two things about yourself. One, you were pretty good looking, having lost a few pounds (ironically) from your time in Equestria. And two, you had a pony stalker standing behind you- WAIT WHAT!? Turning around quickly, making sure your hand was securing the towel around your waist, you stared at a familiar mint unicorn.

"Fuck off Lyra, I'm not letting you use my hands for anything!" You yell at the intruder, marching towards her to force her out.

"B-but you promised to help me!" She exclaimed as you began to push her along, towards the door.

"Yeah, I had promised to help you, not finger-bang you! Goddamn pony pervert!" You accuse as you finally get her through the doorframe, now staring at a disappointed Lyra.

"Like you have anything to say, I saw the way you looked at my flank that day" she said, her face changing from disappointment to a sly smirk.

"It had been a long time without me seeing.... a thing!" You exclaimed as you failed to hide your blush as you remembered the same day.

"You mean a vagina Anon?" Lyra asked sultrily, giving you a playful wiggle of her eyebrows.

"Ew, don't say it like that! It sounds gross and doesn't change the fact that it's too early for this" You say, beginning to close the door on the lewd mare.

"Wait Anon!" She exclaimed, putting her hoof in the way of the door "Can we at least hang out later?" She asked, giving you the infamous 'pony puppy-dog eyes'.

Clutching your chest to fight off the pure cuteness overload assaulting your heart, you looked down at the mare, a hint of sympathy beginning to spread through you like a plague. You were just about today yes when you were struck by an epiphany, you had an excuse! You worked now and could use that to get out of awkward situations like this! Clearing your throat you answered Lyra with your newly constructed excuse, sure that this wouldn't be the last time that you used it on her and others.

"I'm afraid that I cannot 'hang out', I'm very busy with work today and will not be free for a while" you said in the most professional tone you could muster.

"You, working? Yeah right!" Lyra exclaimed, beginning to laugh loudly.

Offended that she would think so low of you to lie, well maybe it wasn't such a hard thing to not believe. Collecting what was let of your dignity you shut the door on the laughing mare, still able to hear her laughter through the wooden portal. Turning back to your box of belongings you dug around until you found some clothes, opting for a colored shirt and jeans. You had to look at least a bit professional while you were operating your 'legitimate business'.

Opening the door you moved around the still laughing Lyra and went downstairs, hoping to get a piece of that complimentary breakfast before work. Unfortunately you found the lobby totally devoid of any signs of food, except for the snacks in the vending machine. Figuring something was better than nothing you bought a bag of your favorite snack, Cheezy Pooferz®, now with 200% more cheese! Opening the bag and breathing in the rich scent of artificial cheese flavoring before grabbing a handful and shoving them into your waiting maw, covering your hand, shirt, and face in orange powder.

"Oh well" you let out muffled by the amount of cheesy snacks currently being consumed.

Making your way outside you headed for where you had stashed your business, hoping nothing had happened to it. Walking through the park you took an off-road detour to where you had hidden your stall under a tarp, finding it undamaged and completely intact, Rarity's couch still there as well! Doing a little fist pump you started to uncover and drag your business out of its hiding spot and onto the main path, hoping that the new location would bring some more business. After getting everything set-up you flipped the sign from 'Closed' to 'Open', taking a seat behind the desk and waiting for anypony to join you.

[A Few Hours Later]

"How many times do I have to teach you this lesson old man?! I don't sell any goddamn sunflower seeds!" You exclaimed, slamming a fist onto the desk and startling a few nearby ponies in the park.

"Oh, well that's alright sonny. I'll check back later, tootleoo!" The old pony said before hobbling away.

You let out an annoyed sigh, running your hand over your face. It had been hours now and the only pony who had come by was the same old geezer, asking if you had sunflower seeds. what did he think you were, a baseball dugout? You slammed your head down onto the desk, already feeling done with the day. You were brought back to the world around you when you heard someone clearing their throat in front of you, causing you to lift your head to see who interrupted your moping.

"I don't have any sunflower seeds" you say emotionless before laying your head back on the desk.

"W-what? I don't want any sun- Um, I heard that you were a therapist?" The mare asked, causing you to look back up and really study the mare standing at your stall.

She was a plum colored mare with a raspberry pink mane and tail, her cutiemark being a bunch of grapes next to a strawberry. You immediately recognized her as the town drunk Berry Punch, a frequent partner of yours at the Ponyville Pub. Sitting up and giving her a big smile you offered her a seat on 'your' therapy couch.

"Why don't you go ahed and take a seat and we'll begin" you say with your mock-professional tone, gesturing to the seat.

"O-ok?" Berry said, slowly trotting over to the couch and hopping onto it, taking a minute to get comfortable.

Pulling out your notepad and quill, you flipped to a sheet not covered in doodles and dipped the quill in ink. Looking up at Berry Punch you gave her another big smile, glad that you finally had another customer.

"You can start whenever and however you'd like Miss Punch" you said in your now nicknamed: 'business' tone, lightly placing the quill against the paper.

"Well, I got told by my friend Carrot Top to come see you after she heard about a therapist in town. At first I refused, I didn't think that I had any problem" She said, lying on her back and looking up at the blue sky.

"What was the problem Carrot Top thought you had?" You asked out of politeness and professionalism, knowing very well what problem her friend was concerned with.

"Well, I admit that I may, drink a bit more than I should. But only on special occasions!" She explained, quickly making a point to give context to her excessive drinking.

"Right, what was so special about last Wednesday?" You asked sarcastically, having been in the pub with her at the time.

"T-that was, um, my uh.... Ok, I drink a lot. Often, really often" Berry admitted, her ears folding back against her head as her face began to flush red.

"That's a good step in the right direction, you have to admit there is a problem before you can start fixing it" you quoted, remembering that phrase from a fortune cookie you ate once.

"Y-yeah, you're right Doc! Well, what's the next step?" Berry asked as she sat up and turned to face you, a hopeful smile on her adorable face.

"Well, maybe instead of drinking cider and wine, you find a healthy alternative?" You offered, the solution not really that hard for you to see. Simply: Stop drinking you damn alcoholic!

"So I should drink like beer and liquor?" She asked, tilting her head a bit in confusion.

Was she serious? Did she just ask if she should be drinking different alcohol after being told to stop drinking?! Face-palming you began again, hoping to bring her to the same level of basic intelligence that you possessed.

"No, no booze. Why not instead of alcohol, you drink water?" You asked hopeful that she would catch on to what you were saying.

"I don't like water, there's no flavor and sometimes it tastes funny and makes me fall asleep!" She exclaimed, startling you. She had been drugged with water before? WTF?! Pushing that point aside you offered a different beverage idea.

"What about juice or punch" you saw her ears perk up "Not spiked punch, nonalcoholic!" You scolded, making her go from interested to confused.

"Nonalcoholic? Also, what's juice?" She asked, making you look at her as if she asked what the sun was.

"You're joking right, you've heard of juice before right?" You asked, becoming increasingly worried as to the level of this pony's intelligence.

"N-no, is it like wine?" Berry asked embarrassed.

"Um, well kinda. It just is sweeter and doesn't have any alcohol in it" you explained, trying to put it into terms she would understand.

"Oh!.... I don't get it" she deadpanned, causing you to rise from your seat and flip your sign back to 'Closed'.

"Come on, I'm going to get you some juice you stupid drunk" you said, deciding to leave the last half of your comment inside your head.

You waited for Berry to hop off of the couch, standing patiently while she figured out what was going on. Now with the confused drunk behind you, you made your way back to the motel. You entered the lobby and walked over to the vending machine, putting in a few bits and pressing the option for a simple grape juice. Picking up the dispensed beverage you unscrewed the lid and handed it to Berry Punch, watching her face contort in confusion as she took the bottle into her hooves. She brought the bottle to her snout and gave the contents a short sniff before she placed her lips gently against the opening and took a sip, slowly exploring the flavor. Her eyes widening in excitement as she swallowed the first sip, quickly beginning to chug the entire bottle in one go. It was actually kind of hot to watch.

"This stuff is awesome! And you said there's no alcohol inside?!" She asked skeptically, narrowing her eyes at you as she tried to figure-out if you were just feeding her a ruse.

"Yep, 100% nonalcoholic! Your friend Carrot Top shouldn't mind you drinking this stuff" you said, presuming that the change from booze and liquors to simple juice would please the ginger mare.

"Wow! You sure are a miracle-worker Doc, I'll have to tell all of my friends about you!" Berry exclaimed as she sucked on the empty bottle, hoping to get out just a bit more of the sweet liquid.

"Well, I'm glad to help. For a price of course!" You joked, laughing nervously, hoping you hadn't just sounded like a total Chad.

"Oh right! I almost forgot, how much do I owe you Doc?" Berry asked, pulling out a small bag of bits.

Deciding to charge her the usual rate (plus a little extra because of the drink you bought her), you pretended to think of a price.

"I'm feeling generous today so I'll only charge you sixty bits" you said in your business tone.

Berry Punch happily counted out the payment and placed it in your hands, moving past you to begin putting her remaining bits into the vending machine, purchasing bottle after bottle of juice. Crazy mare. With a big smile on your face and a pocket full of bits you headed back to your stall to fully close up, making sure that your stuff was hidden and covered. You hoped that you could find Rainbow and get a drink with her, wanting to tell her the story of today. You chuckled at the irony of it all as you returned to the park, finding the same old stallion from earlier digging through your desk.

"HEY!" You cried out, causing the old stallion to turn tail and run away. You quickly ran over to your stall, luckily finding everything present.

After moving your stand back to its hiding place off the trail and making sure it was covered, you made a mental note to buy a bag of emergency sunflower seeds. Just in case that same old stallion came by tomorrow. With your planned purchase in mind and business closed for the day, you started walking towards the usual field Rainbow practiced above.

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Expect more updates soon!

Also, I'm interested in finding an editor that would have early access to all of my stories and would get a personal thanks in either the Author's Notes or Long Description of any stories they help on.

This position is open for anyone, but don't feel like I'm demanding assistance. I'll still release chapters and stories with or without a helpful editor. Phew, that was a long Author Note. :derpytongue2:

As Always, feedback is appreciated.