• Published 7th Aug 2017
  • 6,324 Views, 89 Comments

Now Tell Me, What Does This Look Like to You? - Punished Venom Muddy

Anon decides to stop being a lazy piece of human garbage, taking it upon himself to find a job. He decides to be a therapist, because he totally has the qualifications for that.

  • ...

What Do You Mean? Of Course I'm Qualified!

"C'mon Twilight, you can't do this!" You protest as your stuff is tossed out of the library door.

"No Anon, I've had it with your nonsense! All you do is lounge around the house, eat, and complain! You don't even pay rent!" Twilight scolded back, continuing to decorate the front road of the library with all of your belongings.

Bending over you begin to scoop your stuff into your arms, upset that Twilight would kick you out. When she had warned you you thought it was a joke! Grumbling you look back to the library, your past home.

"How am I supposed to carry all my Shit Twilight?!" You ask, your question being answered as a cardboard box pegs you in the head, knocking you to the ground.

"Stupid fucking purple horse, goddamn cardboard boxes" you grumble to yourself as you pick yourself up and start filling the box with your stuff.

Having finally packed all your belongings into the box you pick it up in your arms, glad that you didn't buy anything heavy during your year here in Equestria. Deciding to move on with your life, away from purple-smart. you start walking to Rarity's business/house, hoping that the element of generosity will be generous enough to let you live with her for a while.

Bursting into Rarity's business with a loud "SOMEBODY" while kicking open the door, you startle her and cause her to make a large slash into the fabric she was cutting. Turning to face you she had a look of terror and rage on her dainty features.

"Hey Rarity, can I live with you for like..... forever?" You ask as she trots over to you, scissors still in her magical grasp and making you nervous.

"H-hey, what were you, uh, working on when I came in?" You ask nervously, beginning to back away towards the door.

"It was a dress commissioned by a miss Fleur De Lis, a VERY influential and particular pony" Rarity says while still continuing to advance on you, scissors in her etherial grasp.

"Sorry about your dress, I'll just comebacklaterokbye" You say quickly as the scissors find themselves lodged into the door, only a few inches away from your head.

Quickly exiting and slamming the door behind you, running from the Boutique until you were outside of Rarity's scissor-wielding range. Finally feeling like you were safe, you began to slow down and took some deep breaths. Having calmed your nerves and your heart-rate, making a mental note to maybe start exercising again, you hear an obnoxious laughing above you. Looking up you notice Rainbow Dash on a cloud, clearly having seen your antics at Rarity's. You shake your head, knowing very well that there was no way that she would ever let something like this go. Looking up again you notice her coming down to probably mock you, goddamn skittle-head.

"Oh sweet Celestia that is too good! You just got chased out by Rarity, RARITY! I didn't think it was possible for her to scare anypony with her whole: Oh darling, don't track dirt inside!" Rainbow says through fits of laughter and tears.

"Yeah yeah, yuk it up cuddle buddy" you say, making sure to emphasize the 'cuddle buddy' part, knowing that it would get a reaction out of her. You were right, watching her face flush at your pet name for her.

"H-hey! Keep it down, you pinkie promised not to tell anypony about that" Rainbow says her eyes flicking back and forth, making sure nopony heard you.

"Yeah, well you don't have any fingers, so *phhht*" You say ending your explanation with a fart noise from your mouth.

"Whatever" she looks back at you "Why were you at Rarity's anyway, didn't you already get clothes last week?" She asks, her head tilting in a quizzical way, making you resist the urge to scratch behind her ears. You fail at this, reaching a hand to her head and beginning to scratch behind her ear. Making her let out a soft moan as she presses her head into your palm.

"I got kicked out by Twilight for no reason and I was gonna ask her if she'd let me move in, but I ruined some upity-up's dress. Whatever." You explain, continuing your assault on Rainbow's head with your fingers.

"Mmm yeah, Twilight mhmm. Don't stop" Rainbow mumbles, beginning to stomp her hind leg like an adorable dog.

"So, I was wondering if maybe you'd let me move in with you? There'd be as many cuddles, belly rubs, ear scratches and whatever else you want!" You say, trying to persuade her to let you move in (hopefully rent-free). Your words take Rainbow out of your trance and she looks at you with a happy, then a very sad face.

"I'd love for that, but there's just one problem. I live in Cloudsdale, y'know, like in the sky. Normally it wouldn't be a problem for anypony else, but since you react really weird to magic I don't think you'd be able to. Sorry" She says, her heart sinking as she looks away from you.

"Shit, I forgot about that" you say, now beginning to run out of ideas of where to live.

"You could always try Fluttershy, she's always looking to help the creatures of Equestria and I don't think she'd mind you living with her. Last I talked to her, apparently she has a little crush on you" Rainbow said, accentuating the information with a wiggle of her eyebrows at you.

"Yeah, YEAH! Great idea Dash!" You exclaim as you give her one last scratch for her help, now setting off to find your sweet butterfly mare.

You finally come into visible distance of Fluttershy's house, it feels like it changes how far away it is every fanfic time you visit. Crossing over the small bridge and coming up to her door you decide to actually knock this time, just in case she's "busy" with her animals again, a scene you do NOT want to see again or remember. Knocking on the door you are surprised when you don't hear an answer, usually Futtershy would at least leave a note on her door if she had gone somewhere.

"Hey, Fluttershy don't kill me, I'm coming in!" You warn as you open the door and are not met with your shy friend, but with the largest grizzly bear you had ever seen.

"HOLY FUCK!" You scream before slamming the door on its snout, not wanting to end up like Di Caprio from the Revenant.

You quickly turn your sights back to Ponyville, or more accurately to Sweet Apple Acres. Maybe Applejack would let you stay in the barn? With this hopeful plan in your mind you make your way to your country friend's orchard. Eventually reaching the edge of the apple tree lines you make your way towards the Apple family farm, your belongings still in the box in your arms. You make your way through the rows-and-rows of apple trees, finally gaining sight of the old house sitting on the hill. Stepping up to the porch with your belongings in hand you can hear some kind of conflict coming from inside.

"I told ya youngns that if ya drank too much cider that ya'd make some bad decisions!" Granny Smith yells out angrily.

"It was just an accident Granny, we swear not ta do it again!" Applejack retorts desperately, hopelessness in her voice.

"Isn't that right Big Mac?" Applejack asks.

"Eyup" He answered stoically, apparently even when being scolded by family.

"Accident or not, that don't change tha fact that ya slept with ya brother!" Granny Smith scolds loudly.

With that said you decide to leave, not wanting to get involved in some weird country pony incest-fest. With only one pony left you set your sights on Sugercube Corner, hoping that the happiest pony you know would be happy enough to let you stay with her, even if you had to live in the basement of the place like some troglodyte. Making your way back into town, your arms now killing you from having to carry around all your shit practically all day.

Walking through Ponyville proper with all of your belongings in a cardboard box netted you some really weird looks from any of the ponies that walked by you, now you really were starting to feel like a homeless person. Walking up to the gingerbread house business of Sugercube Corner, you notice that it's actually busy today. Weird, you thought to yourself, it seemed still too early for any of the kids to be out of school. Opting to solve this mystery, you walk inside and take notice of all of the ponies dressed in loose flowing clothing. Calming your member from the sight of these equine bellydancers, you begin to search for Pinkie Pie in and amongst them. What you found was not the usual Pinkie you knew (usual being a very, very loose term with her), but some sort of gypsy fortuneteller Pinkie seated at a table with a crystal ball. Working your way through the crowd, you eventually make your way to her table.

"Hey Pinkie, I was wondering if-" you start, but are cut off when Pinkie raises a bracelet covered hoof to your lips.

"I know why you are here Anon, you wish to find lodging here" Pinkie says whilst waving her hooves over the crystal ball.

"Yeah, that's exactly it! So, whatta ya say?" You ask, now becoming more and more entranced by the swirling images inside the crystal ball.

"I cannot help you Anon, I must help my kind first. However you should use your talents to get a job, you are great at listening to ponies and are always gentile with their feelings and insecurities" Pinkie says looking at you while all your attention is on the ball.

"Huh, what did you say?" You ask, snapped from your trance by Pinkie placing her hoof on your shoulder.

"I said that you should get a job where you listen and talk to ponies, I think you'd be good at it" Pinkie says a hopeful smile coming across her face.

"I guess, Alright I'll do it! Ill become the best um, talker ever!" You exclaim, startling a few gypsies around you.

"Thanks so much Pinkie, even if you didn't help me at all with my real problem" You say, turning to leave.

"Your real problem is that you're a lazy piece of shit" Pinkie mumbles under her breath, going unnoticed by you as you leave the building.

You head back to Twilight's, more so for the library aspect than to go back to living there. God knows what she would do to you then. Pushing those thoughts from your head as you open the door to the library, you notice Twilight at the main check-out desk reading a book. She begins to speak as you enter, slowly raising her head from her reading.

"Welcome to the Ponyville library, if there's anything that- Why are you here" She says, having started with the basic greetings she gives everypony that comes into the library, but turning to annoyance when she lifts her head and sees you.

"Hey, I'm here to look for a job and I thought that maybe you could help me. Y'know for old times sake, buddy?" You explain, quickly throwing your hands up incase she decided to blast you.

"A job, really. That's wonderful, but I don't buy it. I know you Anon, you'd rather kill yourself before putting effort into anything" She accuses while stepping out from behind her desk and approaching you.

"Hey, that's not true! I just put a ton of effort into finding a place that I could live! And I am serious about this job, that's why I came to the smartest pony I know" You say, taking a few steps forward to meet her. Noticing that your compliment had taken effect on her, causing a slight blush to creep onto her face.

"W-well I suppose that I could help you, since you're so determined. What kind of job did you have in mind?" Twilight asks taking a seat in front of you and levitating a quill and notepad towards her.

"I had this idea to have a job where I listen to ponies, then say what I think" You say enthusiastically, also taking a seat on the ground.

"So, like a counselor?" Twilight asks with an eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"No, nothing like that. You know I hate other people's relationships" you explain.

"Yeah, because they make you feel insignificant" She mumbles "Well then maybe a psychiatrist or a therapist then?" She offers with a bit of excitement.

"Y'know maybe a therapist isn't so bad, I get to hear ponies' issues and them give them my advice!" You say getting into the idea of being a therapist, memories of all the adult videos where 'therapists' gave some 'special treatment' to their 'patients' beginning to flood into your head while a bit of blood traveled south.

"Alright I'll set up somewhere and I'll start taking patients. Twilight, could you do me a favor and spread word around town that this is happening?" You ask, noticing Twilight look back up at you, her eyes having lingered on something else.

"Sure, but don't you need to be qualified to be a therapist?" Twilight asks, placing the quiz and notepad down on a table across the room.

"Qualified? Of course I'm qualified I majored in human communication, that's like 100% of therapist-ing" You exclaim, covering up your lack of knowledge with bullshit, like usual.

With passion in your heart, a wide open future ahead of you, and a complaining Twilight behind you, you set out to achieve your brand-new dream of being the Ponyville therapist.