• Published 7th Aug 2017
  • 6,336 Views, 89 Comments

Now Tell Me, What Does This Look Like to You? - Punished Venom Muddy

Anon decides to stop being a lazy piece of human garbage, taking it upon himself to find a job. He decides to be a therapist, because he totally has the qualifications for that.

  • ...

Maybe It's an Issue of Confidence? A.K.A.: Don't be a Pu**y!

"And finished" you say while wiping away a small bead of sweat forming on your brow, content with your work.

For the last few hours you have been busy constructing your 'therapy stand', or something like that. It reminded you of the kind on The Peanuts, one of your favorite childhood cartoons, or at least the holidays when you watched them. With a big smile of accomplishment plastered on your face you push Rarity's drama couch closer, having 'borrowed' it from her. Taking a seat behind your plywood business stand, you flip the hand painted sign from a sloppy closed to the equally sloppy open. Now all you had to do was wait, hopefully Twilight would come through and spread word about your totally legit business. To dispel any doubts, you hand-made yourself a PHD in feelings and a practicing license that merely said: "Fuck you, I have a PHD".

A few minutes pass and still you sat there alone, patiently tapping your fingers rhythmically on the desktop. Looking up you noticed a few pegasus moving clouds into larger bunches, probably preparing for rain. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have your business outside, especially since you don't bother to check the weather. You're pulled from your thoughts of how to improve your business when you hear a familiar voice calling your attention.

"Hey! Anon, can you hear me?!" A very familiar purple 'dragon' said, causing you to look over the counter at your small customer.

"Hey, what's good my lizard bro?" You say, holding out your fist for a bump with spike, who returns it with enthusiasm.

"Twi told me that you're some kind of a therapist now, so I thought I'd come over and maybe talk with you. Y'know, work out some of my problems?" He asked hopefully while twirling his claws nervously.

"Aw hell yea, go ahead and take a seat and we can start!" You say, quickly grabbing a quill and notepad, spike taking a seat on Rarity's couch.

"Just start talking and we'll begin working out any issues you have" you say in the most professional tone you can muster.

"Well, the thing is nopony pays attention to me and when they do, they just think that everything I say is some kind joke" Spike says, using his clawed hands to really accentuate his dialogue.

"Mhmm, I see" you say as you scribble some drawings of anime characters onto your notepad.

"Well, I was hoping that maybe you'd have some advice as to how I could make ponies listen to me, since enverypony listens to you. I mean, well, you know" Spike said, desperately clutching to the hope of your advice.

You decide to speak onto him some knowledge that your dad taught you, taking a moment to decide which one to use. 'There's no crying in baseball'? No, that doesn't make any sense, maybe: 'If life gives you lemons make life take the lemons back, I don't want your damn lemons! Do you have any idea who I am? I'm-' no, that's not even your dad's advice. Wracking your brain you finally find the perfect phrase to help spike: 'If you want people to respect you son, don't be a pussy. Now wipe that piss up and get me a beer from the fridge'. It was perfect!

"Well Spike, in my professional opinion I think that the best thing for you to do is to stop being such a big scaly pussy" you say, finishing up your doodles and looking at a now shocked Spike.

"W-what? Stop being a pussy?" Spike says with a small blush on his scaled face.

"Yep, quit being a pussy. Get mad! Take what you want, don't let anypony or anybody tell you what you can or can't do! Demand to see life's manager!" You yell, getting a bit too excited.

"Y-yeah! You're right, though I'm not sure what that last part was about, but you're right. I should take my life into my own claws and make everypony take me seriously!" Spike exclaims, shooting off the couch and starts running off towards Ponyville.

"Hey, Spike! Aren't you forgetting something?" You say with a finger pointed at your price sign.

"W-what! No way! 50 bits, that's just ridiculous!" Spike protests and begins to turn back towards Ponyville.

"Pay up or I tell Rarity about your little 'doll' of her" you threaten, making him turn around and stomp back to your stall.

"Fine, you know that you can be a real ass sometimes Anon" Spike says while placing a hefty bag of bits on your counter, probably his allowance from a few weeks of saving.

"Yeah, well I have a PHD" you retort, placing the bag of bits under your counter.

"Whatever Anon" Spike says, turning back to Ponyville and walking away, now bitless.

You knew that he'd thank you later, you just boosted his confidence! You taught him to take life by the metaphorical balls and not to let anypony tell him no, teaching him to man-up and do what he wants and take what he wants. With a big smile on your face and the rain beginning to come down, you place a tarp over all your stuff and head off to get some dinner. You've had a long day and felt that you deserved something nice, maybe you'd hit up Rainbow for some drinks.

"So, you're telling me that this is Anon's fault?" Twilight asked the now normal-sized Spike, having just bought him back from Godzilla-like levels of huge.

"Kinda, he said for me to 'not be a pussy' and to not let anypony tell me what to do" Spike confessed like a dirty rat.

"Is this true Anon?" Twilight asked annoyedly, clearly exhausted from having to fix your Spike's mistake.

"No, well maybe a little. But how was I supposed to know about 'dragon's greed' and that spike was going to become fucking Godzilla all of a sudden?!" You exclaim, not liking being the center of the problem.

"Well I guess that it's both of your faults, so both of you can help to rebuild everything that was destroyed" Twilight says with a smug smile on her face, fucking horse.

"But why? That's not fair!" Both you and Spike let out in almost perfect unison, clearly not wanting to do what Twilight suggested.

"No buts, this is a royal order!" Twilight says, flaring her wings for emphasis.

"A royal order from a librarian, heh fuck my life" You mumble out angrily, trudging off with spike to join in on the reconstruction of Ponyville.

After working for hours you finally finished rebuilding the last house, boy were you glad that magic existed here. Back on Earth a construction job like this would take months, if not years to finish. Mostly due to the political bullshit that had to be done around it first. With the last pieces of straw placed on the roof you m make your way down to ground level, your entire body drenched in sweat. You hated sweating, it always made everything uncomfortable, especially when your ass sweated. And boy was your ass sweating. Exhausted, you made your way to the Ponyville motel for the night. Placing a few bits on the counter and getting your key, you didn't even bother closing your door before you fell into bed, still dressed in your dirty clothes.