Speak of the Devil (Church)
Two pony soldiers in a chocolate hot tub. You know what? I'm not even surprised anymore.
As we walk away, Twilight goes, "While they technically abandoned their post, since Discord isn't in here, I guess they don't really have much to guard anyway. So let's just leave them alone and get out of here."
I hear the guards talking from behind us.
"I'll be Shining Armor, you can be Princess Cadence."
"Aw, I was Cadence last time!"
Twilight chimes in, "Let's go before Fluttershy hears any more of this."
Flutters looks offended, "I'm a year older than you."
We start walking back to the door.
Rarity leans over and whispers to Fluttershy, "I don't think that froth was whipped cream in that hot chocolate," she snickers.
"Oh… my," her yellow friend blushes.
Pinkie bounces over, "I ate some of it! Ima go get some more!"
AJ bites Pinkie's tail and holds her back. "Oh no you don't Pinkie!"
What's Twilight's next ingenious plan? "So what now?"
"Well… I'm stumped," Twilight admits. "Discord just came to us last time he caused trouble."
Pinkie slides past us, like she's ice skating on the brick path.
"Look! This astroglide stuff makes my hooves all slippery!" She faces us, holding a little clear bottle in her mouth. "What is this stuff?"
"Pinkie!" AJ shouts, "put that down!"
She spits it off to the side and we keep walking. Awkward silence hangs in the air as we walk the yellow brick road back to the bedroom door. The quiet is broken by a low rumbling noise… that seems to be coming from my stomach.
"I think RD's got the right idea. Can't save the world on a empty stomach!" Applejack enthusiastically responds to my bowel noises.
"I could use a cupcake… or twenty!" says Pinkie.
I swear to god if we eat cupcakes for dinner, Ima kill someone.
"Pinkie, ya just had a whole mess o' chocolate!"
"Exactly! Now I need some nice vanilla cupcakes to balance out the chocolate!"
Well, at least Pinkie's in a much more chipper mood now.
After bringing Celestia up to speed, and watching Luna repeatedly doze off, we find ourselves in some kind of dining room (though the word 'hall' might fit better), being waited on hand and foot… wait… how does that work here? Hand and hoof, hoof and foot, hoof and hoof… dammit… by an army of servants.
We're all seated on fluffy cushions instead of chairs… which somehow makes sense. The kitchen staff must be used to serving guests, they have a menu prepared, and I lean over the table to read the one in front of me.
I look at the menu.
'DLT' sandwich… daisy, lettuce, and tomato. Huh. Chrysanthemum crostinis. Buckwheat sandwich on barley bread. Spaghetti and wheatballs. Hay fries. Hay, pink rose, and hay sandwich on egg bread. Cabbage, cauliflower, and hay stew. Hay quiche. Hay cordon bleu. Brazed hay in tortellini. Hay soufflé. Hay truffles. Hay brulee. Hay burgundy. Hay mignon with mushrooms and sauce pinot noir. Tomato, hay, and basil bruschetta. Hay marsala. Hay alfredo. Hay parmesan. Hay, hay, hay, baked beans, and hay. Spinach and tofu lasagna seasoned with fresh herbs and garnished with steamed carrots, broccoli, and… hay.
I look behind me to the waiter. "Do you have anything without hay in it?"
"Well, there's the hay, pink rose, and hay sandwich on egg bread. It's not got much hay in it."
"I don't want any hay! Or flowers…"
Applejack leans over toward me. "Why can't you have the tomato, hay, and basil bruschetta?"
"That's got hay in it!"
"Not as much as the hay, rose, and hay sandwich," she says.
"Look, could I have the tomato, hay, and basil bruschetta, without the hay?" I ask.
"Ew!" The waiter sticks his tongue out in disgust.
"What d'ya mean 'ew'?! I don't like hay!"
"HAY, HAY, HAY, HAY," all the waiters start chanting!
"SHUT UP! Stop singing!" The waiter yells at his coworkers. "You can't have the tomato, hay, and basil bruschetta without hay because it wouldn't be tomato, hay, and basil bruschetta!"
"Oh don't make a fuss Rainbow, I'll eat your hay," Applejack says, "I love it! I'm having hay, hay, hay, baked beans, and hay!"
They're chanting 'hay' again…
"SHUT IT!" The waiter yells.
"Just give me the goddamn pumpkin pie. A lot of it."
"Just the pumpkin pie, madam?"
Madam? FUCK. "Yes. Thank you."
The rest of my team orders flower sandwiches and alfalfa salads, Pinkie ordered a cake. Like no joke, a whole cake. The food arrives, they literally serve it on silver platters, and the waiters make a show of it, too.
I drool at the huge slice of pie before me. I look across the table from me and notice that Applejack has a frosty glass beer mug filled with some foamy amber liquid.
She gives me a smug smile while raising her glass, and downs some cider. She would.
I look back down to my plate and grab a fork.
Hang on. I can't. Why is there silverware here?! I look around. Oh… scumbag unicorns can use the silverware…
A quick glance at Applejack tells me it's A-ok to just dig in with my mouth. When in Rome…
As we finish our food, conversation finally breaks the heavy silence in the air.
Pinkie Pie is laying back on her cushion, patting her full belly. She belches obnoxiously, sits up, and asks, "So Twilight, where do you think Discord went? Maybe we should go talk to those guards in the chocolate hot tub again!"
"Uh, no, I don't think we should. Let's just… let them have their privacy," Twilight replies.
"I wonder if he really did go… bad again," AJ ponders.
"Bad? Hmph, of course not bad. Well… 'bad' is a relative term! Heh heh heh… but maybe just a tiny bit naughty."
Gasps, and all the heads in the room turn to where the new voice came from, a few seats away from us, down the table.
"DISCORD!" Twilight venomously shouts as she takes an offensive stance on her seat cushion. The waiters scurry out of the room.
"Oh, hello Twilight," the thing smiles politely, "Nice to see you again too," his voice drips with sarcasm.
Ah, so he finally makes an appearance. He does look vaguely familiar. He's like a mesh of a bunch of different animal parts, like a chimera. Somehow, he has a giant pile of sandwiches on a platter in front of him. Just chowing down. Are those ham sandwiches?
"Mmm, oh, don't mind me! Carry on your little conversation," Discord says with a mouthful of food, waving a paw for them to continue.
Applejack slams a hoof on the table. "Where've you been all this time? Ya mangy varmint!"
"Oh, Applejack, I'm doing just swell! Thank you so much for asking…" He takes a bite out of a sandwich and talks with his mouth full, "I've been over in the Griffon Kingdom, having a little fun. Turns out, griffons can be quite violent." He reaches behind him and pulls a bloody dagger out of his back, making a schlick sound. He examines the blade for a second, and tosses it over his shoulder. "Oh well," he says with a shrug.
"Discord…" Fluttershy says carefully, "were you being bad in the Griffon Kingdom?" She stares at him intently.
"Hi Fluttershy," he smiles sincerely, "long time no see."
"Discord."
He sighs, "Oh Fluttershy, you just don't know what it's like to be a spirit of CHAOS. Sometimes I just need to get out there and stretch the old chaos muscles." He stretches out his mismatched arms.
"You sure did enough of that in your so-called bedroom!" Twilight accuses.
"Oh sure, Celestia lets me have my way with that little broom closet, but what fun is chaos if there's nopony around to enjoy it?"
Twilight looks disturbed and angry.
"Now, now, don't worry Twilight. I didn't do anything nearly as 'bad' as last time." He air-quoted 'bad.'
"Do define 'bad' for us, darling," Rarity rolls her eyes.
"Wait. Have you all been looking for me? I left a note, you know."
"Discord," Twilight takes a breath and calms down a bit. "it was very vague."
"Well I'm sorry. I didn't know I had a curfew. I am supposed to be 'reformed,' you know."
Isn't he a bad guy in this show? "They reformed you?" I ask incredulously.
"Yes, Rainbow Dash, remember? You were there-" he stops mid sentence and stares me right in the eyes with a big fuzzy white eyebrow cocked way up high.
In a flash of light he disappears, then with another flash, reappears right beside me.
"Discord," Flutters starts, "you leave her alone. She's had a really hard day."
"Don't be ridiculous, Fluttershy. I'm not going to hurt her. After all, any friend of yours is a friend of mine… but this one's not exactly a friend of yours, is she?"
Is it just me, or did it just get warmer in here?
I just look up at the big guy as he towers over me, examining me with a claw stroking his goatee. "Ummmmmmmmmm, can I help you?" I ask him.
He just chuckles in response. In fact, he starts laughing. Maniacally.
Yeah… I'm gonna back off… towards the door.
The ponies give me weird looks as I back away. I turn and high tail it outta there.
The giant double doors slam shut.
SMASH
Ow! My nose!
Discord's laugh slows to a chuckle, and he manages to say, "And where do you think you're going?"
I spy some open windows on the other side of the table, but it's too far, he'll close them before I can fly out. I think I'll just inch my way around the table.
"What in heaven's name is going on, Discord?" Rarity asks.
"This is just priceless!" He answers, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.
"What're you talkin' bout?!" Applejack barks.
There's a bunch of 'yeah's from the others. I'm at the end of the table now, near the kitchen doors. So close…
"It's- it's just so funny because you all actually think that's Rainbow!"
He teleports next to Twilight. "What's the matter Twilight? Don't recognize a mind swap when you see one? I know I do!"
"Shut up you… you stupid chimera! This is probably your fault anyway!" I try to buy some time as I inch towards the open window.
"Oh, I'd think I'd know if this was my work, Not-Rainbow. I haven't done a mind swap in eons! But they were SO much fun!"
"Mind swap?" Twilight asks, completely confused.
Discord conjures up a bubble pipe and a monocle. "Hmm, quite."
"So, what yer sayin' is… that's Rainbow, but not?" Applejack asks.
There's some murmurs from the others.
He flashes over to Applejack, and puts his arm around her shoulders. "How intuitive of you, Applejack… What part about 'mind swap' don't you get? Here, let me show you an example." He looks over to Pinkie and Flutters with a mischievous smirk. He snaps his talon fingers, and bright flashes of light come from both of them.
Pinkie holds her hooves in front of her face, looks at them wide-eyed, and says in a very soft voice, "Oh… oh my…" then she faints and falls sideways onto the cushion she was sitting on.
Flutters just flies around in a circle, screaming, "WEEEEEEE!!!" And then lands on top of one of the massive crystal chandeliers, making it jingle.
Well shit... How the hell can she fly already?
"…What did you just do?" I ask, trying to buy even more time.
Discord turns to me, leaning on Applejack, much to her annoyance, and looks me up and down (I think he noticed I moved). "Oh, just a little mind swap, Pinkie's much more entertaining as a pegasus, don't you think?" He says, pointing to Not-Fluttershy, who's flying between the chandeliers and giggling now.
"Discord! You put them back this instant!" Rarity demands.
"Now why would I do that? Look! She's doing barrel rolls now! Ha ha!" He claps his hands.
Twilight turns her dumfounded face back to Discord.
"But if she's not Rainbow, then who is she?" She asks, taking a glance in my direction.
Discord throws his mismatched arms up in the air, "I HAVE NO IDEA!"
At this, I jump out the open window and flutter off.
"Ok, where the hell could Princess Smellestia be, up in that tower maybe?" I ask myself as I wobbly fly across a courtyard. Holy shit, that's a long way down!
Uh oh. That tower's a little farther than I thought it was. I'm losing my rhythm! C'mon! C'mon you can make it Church!
How the hell was this so easy for Pinkie?!
AH! I'M DRIFTING TO THE LEFT! SO CLOSE!
AH!
AH!
AH… oh look I landed already.
I'm on a big balcony hanging off the top of this tower. There's a telescope on the edge of the balcony, pointed downward. The glass door to inside is open, creaking as it moves back and forth slightly in the breeze. I slip in. The room is strangely dark, but no one's here. There's not much to look at, a desk with some papers, that's about it.
I open the door at the back of the room. Thank god for lever type door handles. I look and see the stairs leading down. But I hear someone galloping up the stairs. Fast.
Before I know it, I'm face to face with the princess I was looking for. She says nothing and rushes past me. I back up and fall on my rump. She magicks the door closed in front of me.
"Rainbow Dash! What are you doing here?!" She yells at me in a whisper.
"Um, great minds think alike?"
She gives me an angry glare then reverts to her previous look of anxious confusion.
"But really, Discord's in your castle."
"WHAT?!" She yells, for real this time.
"Mind swapping your ponies."
"WHAT?!?!"
We both look to the door as we hear hoofsteps coming up the stairs.
And here comes…
"Princess! Are you in there?!" The door says in a gruff voice.
"Who's that?" I whisper, pointing a non-existent thumb toward the door.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
"One of my personal guards."
"Princess, it's me! Cutlass! Please open the door!" The door says.
"I can't trust you, 'Cutlass'!"
Oh man… I could hear the quotes around his name. Thank god I'm 100% trustworthy.
BANG
The guard is trying to break the door down, apparently.
"Any plans?"
BANG
She looks at me, then looks longingly out towards the balcony. "Fly away?" She says with a twinge of sadness in her voice.
BANG
"Where to?"
BANG
She looks despairingly at the floor, and answers, "Anywhere but here…"
Damn. Someone's having a rough day…
BANG
"Alright, we should go get your sister first, right? Which tower is she in?"
BANG
"Yes." She perks up. "We should see if she's safe. Her bedchamber is in the east wing. Follow me." She gallops out to the balcony and takes flight.
As I follow suit as best as I can, I ask, "So she finally went to sleep then?"
I don't get an answer.
As I clumsily follow her, I notice we're flying further away from the dining hall.
Thankfully, it's not far and we land on another balcony, much lower to the ground, on a long side of the castle.
As we land, something clicks in my head.
"Wait, why can you trust me over your personal guard?"
She stops in her tracks, and turns her head to face me. "My other guard, Heavy Steel…" She inhales deeply.
"Was a changeling…"
Stats
Page generated in 0.033 seconds
Total duration
987 users online
394,643 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
i dno what to say about the first part so i'm just going to shut up.....
Shoutout to PinkiShy doing barrel rolls.
Wink wink, Peppy Hare.
#StarFoxFTW
Oh, his failure to join them will surely bring him doom.
One does not simply make enemies with ponies without choosing a side.
...and likewise, Rainbow is having troubles being a human, I bet.
Awaiting further releases.
I'm in ur base killin ur doods (intentional missplell)
And rainbow dash is a human. Human, changling, human, changling, she trusts the human, not the changling. Interesting twist.
When come next chapta
You mean the Monty Python reference?
2711297 idk... dun dun dun...
2711319 lol
2711358 Do a barrel roll!
2711655 ikr?
2712240 hehe yea
2712305 What a twist! Idk when next one will be out.
2712569 YES!
SPAM! I should have known!
Red, you clever, clever meerkat.
I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for any dead parrot references.
2714070 Hay, hay, hay, baked beans, and hay!
He will bait and outsmart the ponies.
Yes new chapter!!!! Made me laugh the hole time!!! Thanks theredbrony for more story!!!!
2714576 Or will he?
2715391 No problemo dude. I'll keep it coming.
2713678
Indeed.
I Imagined them stomping in rhythm, and slowly closing in, to take Church away to the brain washing room for reeducation.
2728450 lol, that was a Monty Python reference
2728500
I must get around to watching some Monty Python I guess… So many references!
2728509 I have stuck a lot of references in this actually. More than even I can count or remember.
2728561
I for one… LOVE SPAM!!
Somehow I missed the update and just noticed this. I love Monty Python too.
Yay for hay,
hay, hay, hay
PS : who else actually tried hay?