I really enjoyed reading the comments for the last chapter. I am actually a little curious to know if any of you expected something like this to happen…
Chapter 14: The Loyal Folly
The air around the clearing became much colder as the wind started whipping around with a force that was strong enough to knock loose branches from the trees. The four ponies were looking around searching for the familiar voice of Princess Luna. However, the Night Princess was nowhere to be seen.
It was then that a mist slowly flowed around the clearing, creating a sense of dread. Rainbow Dash, her bravado staring to waver, decided that it was a good time to leave. She prepared herself for flight but before she could move an inch, she felt a strange force pressing her body down. Before she could even figure out what was going on, she was hurtled towards a nearby tree.
She landed with enough force to knock the wind out of her body. The other watched with shocked horror as the tree that Rainbow Dash had hit seemed to become alive. The bark was growing around the blue pegasus’ body, ensnaring her. Rainbow Dash was about to voice her mistreatment about being bound to a tree when she felt something cold and hard on her neck. She looked down and her eyes widened in shock.
Appearing out of nowhere, two guards wearing the armor of the Night Guard were standing next to the trapped mare. One was a unicorn whose horn was still glowing with a soft aura, no doubt the one maintaining the spell, while the second one, a pegasus, was holding a spear pointed right at Rainbow Dash’s neck. Twilight and Applejack were shocked by the sudden appearance of the two guards but before they had a chance to try and help their friend, a voice said “The target has been secured.” The two mares looked behind them and discovered the source of the voice.
Standing a ways from them were Princess Luna and an earth pony knight who Twilight recognized as Luna’s Champion. Luna appeared to be rather disgusted with the situation while her Champion remained passive. Twilight wanted to talk to Luna to find out what was going on, but the look on her face made Twilight pause.
The unknown winds were dying down as the Champion turned his attention to Luna and asked, “Do you want me to hand out the punishment Princess?” He knew that this was a situation that Luna was somewhat displeased with, and he wanted to do what he could to make it easier on her. The Princess looked at him and he could see her answer in her eyes. The Champion merely bowed his head and stepped back a pace while Luna started making her way towards Rainbow Dash.
Trixie had managed to return to her feet and watched as the Princess of the Night made her way to the awestruck pegasus who was trapped in the tree. For some strange reason, the sight of her stuck in that tree caused Trixie to chuckle a bit to herself. It was fortunate that the tact was able to muffle the sound so no-pony else was able to hear it.
When Luna reached a certain point, she pulled out a scroll from the air and said in a voice that was slighty softer, but still carrying authority, “Rainbow Dash of Ponyville, you have been charged with attacking a pony wearing the Saddle of Servitude. Do you deny this claim?”
Now, one would expect a pony under these conditions to plead their innocence; especially if they knew the full implications of what they did. Rainbow Dash, once again showing off her trademark brashness, replied in a confident tone “Yeah I hit that unstuck showpony. She got what was coming to her and I would do it all again in ten seconds flat!”
Twilight couldn’t resist connecting hoof to face when she heard Rainbow Dash’s proclamation. Applejack and Trixie were curious to see where this was going and Luna had a look on her face that caused even Rainbow Dash to question what she had said. The Princess of the Night said in a quiet tone “You leave me no options then…” before raising her voice and saying “Let it be known that the pegasus Rainbow Dash has pleaded ‘guilty’ to the crime with the added statement of repeating the offense. Normally, I would show some leeway due to her being the Element of Loyalty but I cannot, under my duty as Princess and Overseer, let this kind of behavior pass.”
Her voice was starting to grow, and at this point getting ever closer to the Royal Canterlot Voice as she declared “As such, you are hereby charged with committing a Class A crime and the punishment will be as follows: First, you will be sentenced to the dungeons in Canterlot for a period of no less than one year with no hope of good behavior. Two, you will have to pay the victim a fine of no less than fifty thousand bits, Three, you will be forced to wear the Saddle of Servitude under the command of the victim upon release from the dungeon, and last, you will be unable to attend or participate in any and all sporting and political events for as long as you can walk and fly which include, but are not limited to, The Running of the Leaves, Winter Wrap-Up, The Grand Galloping Gala, and all Wonderbolts shows.” The Princess looked down at the pegasus mare and saw her eyes widening in shock. She could see the tears that threatened to free themselves from her eyes; only being held back by her own will. Luna hated what she was doing, and she knew what she was going to say next, but it had to be done. She took a deep breath to calm herself and said “That means you have forfeited any and all chances you had of joining the Wonderbolts.”
Rainbow Dash felt her entire body die within her. She literally felt as if she was dying right then and there. To lose any hope of joining the Wonderbolts, to have her dreams destroyed just because of something that happened so long ago was a literal soul-crusher to the proud mare. She couldn’t stop the tears that were flowing down her face; she couldn’t stop the emotions of guilt, regret, and depression from entering her mind and breaking her from the inside out.
Twilight knew that something like this was going to happen, but that didn’t change the fact that she also had tears running down her face. Applejack was in shock by what she had witnessed and she couldn’t help but look at the purple unicorn next to her, her eyes asking the question she was unable to voice. Twilight looked at her farmer friend and said in a chocked voice “It is as bad as you heard. The ponies who came up with this form of punishment wanted to make sure that in the event that the pony wearing the saddle had committed wrongs against ponies other than the one he or she was serving, that they wouldn’t be attacked in their time of weakness for revenge.” Upon hearing those words, Applejack herself couldn’t help the tears that were now falling from her eyes.
Princess Luna hated herself for doing what she did. She had learned a long time ago that politics were a messy, evil business and as co-ruler of Equestria she was required to uphold all of the laws of the land. She also disliked the fact that she expected something like this to happen, but she hoped that Twilight would have gotten the chance to explain the full situation to her friends. However much she wished it wasn’t true, it had happened, and there was nothing she could do or say to make the completely devastated mare in front of her feel any better about herself. The Princess of the Night was about to leave when a voice shouted from the top of their lungs “Hold it!”
Evil Cliffhanger is evil. You know I don’t like making you all wait on the edge of your seats, but sometimes it’s just so fun.
For the record, I don't hate Rainbow Dash. Just wanted to make that clear in case people get on my case for treating her like this.
Yeah, uh, Luna needs to get slapped for not remembering that Dash likely didn't have a clue what the consequences were.
Addendum: This is kind of a make or break point for your fic. If you leave it in, you have to find a way to reduce Dash's sentence and slap the everliving hell out of Luna for casting judgement upon the ignorant.
But, it's better to take it out and reduce it, because it makes Luna look like an idiot for not making certain that all the potential parties who might get involved knew everything that was going on.
1388132
Twilight warned Rainbow and everyone one else there, that confronting Trixie while she wears the Saddle of Servitude was a very bad idea. At least, Applejack had the sense to ask for specifics before taking action. However, Rainbow forgot (or didn't care) about said warning and acted out of stubborn pride. Luna said she wanted to be lenient, but couldn't as her role as Overseer. The punishment may be too harsh, but there was a reason for it (Twilight explained it). Rainbow had it coming.
1387819
You decide whether or not to leave the punishment as is. I can understand the severity of it, because of how long ago it was written. It's also up to you whether or not to have Trixie's words (that's who I think it is more than likely...unless it's the Element of Kindness) have Rainbow's punishment lighten, though she should not get of scott free.
BTW, thanks for the update, and I eagerly await the next one.
1388132
I had a feeling posting that particular chapter was going to be somewhat of a risky move. However, as much as I appreciate the comment, I think I'm going to leave the chapter as is. If, however, there are more people giving the same comment that you made; I will remove the chapter and re-work. Until then, all I ask is that you wait for the next chapter and trust me a little. Thank you for voicing your opinion.
I say lessen the punishment a bit, no taking part in all sporting and political events for a year and having to help the wearer of the Saddle of Servitude in their task.
1388132
Twilight did warn them that go after Trixie while she was wearing the saddle would be very very bad, Rainbow brought this all on herself through her stubborn pride and hate than dug herself deeper by mouthing off to Luna Maybe this will knock some sense into her thick skull.
1388527
There is very bad, and then there is this.
This is way beyond disproportionate retribution. It hasn't been done in hundreds of years, and to most of them 'very bad' could mean any number of things. But... this? It's monstrously overdone for what happened. I could buy forcing Dash to join Trixie in servitude, which would be more than adequate for the job, but everything else on top of that would drive her to suicide.
1388132
Ignorance of the law is really no excuse " I didn't know I wasn't allowed to kill people" doesn't really hold up, so in fairness it doesn't hold up for the lesser known laws as well. U can argue that not killing people is common sense, but the law doesn't deal with common sense, it deals with rules and regulations. I assume something will happen though to prevent it, maybe Trixie can undo some of it, though it would be kinda amusing seeing Rainbow Dash have to wear the saddle of servitude for Trixie for a lil while. : )
Liked the chapter and can't wait to see how this goes, kinda sad it was so short though.
1388559
Disproportionate retribution it is, but then again the threat of an extreme punishment probably kept other ponies from attacking a wearer of the Saddle of Servitude down through history. Plus Luna thought Twilight would of explained to her friends how the saddle and the rules surrounding it worked, which ironically she was doing with Applejack when shit hit the fan.
1388627
No, this is "I didn't know that punching someone once counts as murder in this case". With obscure punishments, there is no 'Twilight will get around to explaining it to them', you make certain that all parties who even remotely might involve themselves in the issue know 100% certain what taking certain actions will bring. If you don't, you're intentionally trapping them, and you don't deserve what authority you have.
Rainbow is a cool character, but she's an idiot.
She deserves punishment.
Maybe not too harsh, but punishment.
Oh my...I'm really starting to get a feeling like I shouldn't have posted that chapter yet though this is the first time I've had a debate in my comments. I guess I better hurry up and finished the next chapter before anything bad happens.
1388645
It doesn't really work like that in real life, but that is my only basis on this. And if it helps it's not like murder in this case at all, that was just an example of a law most people consider to be common sense. She's not being killed, she is only in prison for a year to boot, and what are the odds that the particular pony who broke this law would be a jock in the first place that the banning on sports stuff mattered? I would say this ls akin to someone bitch slapping Luna or Celestia in how harsh of a law it is. And to be fair Twilight did let them know what the saddle of servitude was and meant; just not the punishment for assaulting the person wearing it . Plus this doesn't really involve Rainbow Dash to begin with. Being shown up at a show that you intentionally made yourself a part of by heckling the performer? That was justification enough for her to physically assault someone? That alone is enough to get you fined and some jail time in the real world.
1388701
Don't feel bad author, debate in the comments is good. Also don't push yourself to finish a chapter before you believe it's ready for submission.
1388748
And as I pointed out, yes, she should be punished. But the full extent is going waaaaaay beyond the pale, and it WAS NOT made out to be as big a deal as it should have been when Trixie showed up. Yes, Dash is in the wrong. NO, the punishment does not fit the crime. Punching someone out gets you a few months jail time if you're unlucky IRL. Especially if it's only a single punch followed by gloating.
Dash forced to work besides Trixie and getting the full explanation of why she came back (with the caveat that she can't tell anypony else about it) is more than enough punishment. Especially up to a year.
1388772
Oh I agree, most laws have a maximum and minimum sentence for them, and her getting the full extent of this law is a little too much. I'm betting Luna is using it for dramatic effect and expecting Trixie or someone else to intervene. And I agree with the few months for a punch; again I think that due to the circumstances it is more like assaulting a high profile person, hence how extreme the penalties can be. But I do agree with her being under Trixie's power once Trixie's sentence is up to be fair in this case, the rest I see more as if they were hurt a bit more; Like if Rainbow just jumped on Trixie and started wailing away at her until Luna intervened. In Luna's defense Rainbow did state that she would gladly do it again and showed no remorse over it at all; asides from when she realized how much it would affect her life anyways.
Beh, it sometimes strikes me how ridiculous these conversations are to anyone not into stories and "what If's". Me and my friends have arguments like this about role-playing rules and story structures all the time; guess it's just amusing to step back and realize how oddly into something one can be. : )
1388701
Heh, don't let this bother you; maybe it's a little silly how much people can get into a debate over a story, but so far at least this one is in good taste. When people start insulting eachother and acting like complete jerks? That's when you should worry. And don't let fan comments alter what you want to put into a story too much; specially since half the time the reader's won't know the reason behind an action until later chapters anyways. : )
1388772
"And as I pointed out, yes, she should be punished. But the full extent is going waaaaaay beyond the pale, and it WAS NOT made out to be as big a deal as it should have been when Trixie showed up."
She did tell them that the consequences of attacking Trixie while she was wearing the saddle would be bad, that should have been incentive for them to not want to find out how bad they'd be. Rainbow didn't pay that warning any heed and went and pulled a leeroy jenkins, and she's now gonna have to pay the price for it. Fortunately Twilight and AJ(and Trixie as well more than likely)will vouch for her and hopefully get Lune to lighten punishment to something more reasonable.
And jaccan joins the frame, but he doesn't join the debate. He is just here to say that he likes this story very much and condgratulates the author to a very good story.
Someone play the Objection theme from the first AA game quick before I die of missed opportunity.
maybe the Cornered theme though that would come later.
If this teaches Rainbow Dash to think before she acts, then it was all worth it. She attacked a helpless target and didn't bother to think of the consequences. Well, I guess she's learnt what that means! Not so easy now, is it Dashie?
1389569
Finally someone found that little joke I hid. You've earn one free internet cookie. "hands over said internet cookie."
1388701
I'm going to repeat what I said before. It is up to you(the author), not us(the readers), whether or not you rewrite this chapter. I suggest waiting until the next chapter is written and posted before making any rash decisions.
I have such... mixed feelings about that punishment.
I mean, as a punishment itself, a long imprisonment, a steep fine, and crushing someone's dreams forever over a single punch seems somewhat disproportionate. On the other hand, it is totally and completely understandable and precedented that there would be such an apparently disproportionate punishment for the crime when the victim has made themselves willingly helpless, and even moreso for violating a powerful symbol. Some cultures would just start lopping off body parts.
As a story element? I dunno how to feel about it. Rainbow Dash kind of did bring it on herself, and really, if she's going to do all that and shout that she'd do it again over a grudge that should have cooled and despite being given ample warning, that... doesn't really give much indication that she's a character who should be let off the hook. But, as much as Rainbow Dash is my least favorite character to begin with... I dunno. It does feel a little like it's creeping toward the territory of spitefic by inventing a punishment that's specifically tailored to ruin Rainbow Dash's life. Unless it's supposed to be designed to ruin the offender's life in-universe? Like if Fluttershy had done it she'd be barred from, I dunno, veterinary conventions or something?
1390946
Actually, the loss of joining the Wonder bolts isn't due to the fact that she punched Trixie but rather due to the fact that she is charged with a Class A crime...at least that is how I see it since I remember in my high school you could be kicked off a team permanently if found guilty of a serious crime and that is what I'm basing that concept here. I hope I was able to clear that up for you a bit.
1390971
What I'm saying is, this punishment is one that has a special impact on Rainbow Dash that it wouldn't have on anybody else. To have her go through with the crime and then get slapped with something like that - something that ruins her life SPECIFICALLY, when, considering the others who might have a grudge here, for Applejack it would be more of a major inconvenience, and for Rarity hardly even that - it's like the narrative is going out of its way to spite her.
1391008
sigh...maybe I went a little overboard when writing this chapter. I swear this one is causing me more grief then I would have liked. I would like to try and give you an honest explanation for why I did what I did but I don't want to give spoilers and I'm not a lawyer. I really apologize for this.
1391031
In that case, don't worry about it. I don't know where this is going. This is just my reaction to this one specific chapter, not the overall plan, whatever that is. If the chapter is an important part of the plan, then you really can't consider whether it was a good idea or not as an individual item.
The story is fine, the debate is how heavy the punishment should be and if RD deserves it.
I have to agree that the punishment seems too high, although Rainbow did admit she would do it again.
I'd personally like it if Trixie would step in.
committing a Class A crime
sentenced to the dungeons in Canterlot for one year .
a fine of fifty thousand bits,
forced to wear the Saddle of Servitude under the command of the victim
unable to attend or participate in events for life
and losing all chances with the wonderbolts (kinda included with the whole no events thing)
It seems over the top. Punishment yes, but not all of it.
Especially the last two (events, wonderbolts) is asking for Dash committing suicide.
It's a black spot on her record, and I am fine with that.
getting arrested risks chances with job employment, especially with a high-level team. The rest depends on the wonderbolt manager
The fine and the Saddle are almost expected, although I can't say anything about the cost of 50.000,
if taken with a 1b to 1$ ratio it seems steep but we don't know Dash's cashflow
Event ban for life is high, A year is better ending with an evaluation. Maybe higher due to the threat of repeating.
Perhaps that the element has redeeming quality, but it makes it clear to anybody that if it was anyone else then a element they would be screwed.
It's your call
1391031
1391031
Controversy will surround something like this. I for one like the chapter how its written fully knowing you have a plan to get Rainbow back to a certain point. While i agree that the punishment was too extreme, I'm banking on Trixie to make her first generous move here and ask that the whole matter be reduced to a lighter punishment. That way Rainbow will not have to commit suicide, and Trixie might get the second chance to start over with the stubborn element of loyalty. Banking on Trixie might just leave me busted, if her pride streak rears its head.
I will give Rainbow props for being honest to Luna even if it did her no favors in sentencing.
Well, it's fairly obvious to me that this punishment is likely not going to be enforced in its entirety. Like others have said, the severity of the punishment is designed to be a deterrent. Now then.
This should be "pressing her body down"
Since you just established that you're talking about the tree, you can end this sentence after "ensnaring her."
This should probably be something like, "her displeasure at her mistreatment of being bound"
This should be ":widened"
This should be "secured"
The comma here should be after "with"
The period after "going" should be a comma, and there should be a "that" after "face"
This should probably be "wanted"
On to the next chapter!
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
I have little/no problem with the punishment, myself.
Dumbass punishment is dumbass. I've been enjoying this well enough, but between the out of character actions of Rarity cutting up the cloak, Dash striking a defenseless unicorn, and finally the incredibly disproportionate punishment, I'm only giving this story one or two more chapters to turn around before I give up on it.
I hope Luna doesn't need any eldritch horrors defeated by the Elements any time soon, cause I doubt Loyalty is likely to have the motivation to help.
2906727 The Rainbow smacking Trixie was incrediebly in-character, Rarity not so much but Rainbow would definitely have done that.
2937735 Yeah, no. Unless you can provide an example from the show of her doing anything similar?
And kicking the dragon in Dragonshy doesn't count since the dragon wasn't tied up and powerless at the time.
2906727 Remember, Rainbow Dash has a massive ego, and considering the way she was humiliated by Trixie in Boast Busters...try putting yourself in her horseshoes for a moment. If you had as much pride as she does, and you were in the same situation, would you be able to pass up a chance to get revenge?
As for Rarity, remember, for her, how she looks is Serious Business. She was pretty traumatized after what Trixie did to her mane.
https://youtu.be/hOI6HYIGfqQ
That should suffice for the end song of this chapter.