Episode One
It's the start of another day at magic school. Why are you, a human with no magic abilities, at a school for unicorns? Because alicorns don't understand the phrase "No, that's not a horn". Well it's not so bad. The teachers, however harsh, don't seem to really mind you sleeping through your classes. But if some other pony steps out of line? Ahoho boy, that's a paddlin'. Really, there is a "bad pony" paddle. That could be kinda hot, if you are into that thing.
The second you sit down at your desk in homeroom you're dead to the world, snoring as loudly as you please.
"TOMORROW WILL BE A VERY IMPORTANT DAY FOR YOU KNAVES, IT WILL BE HORN INSPECTION DAY, AND ANYONE NOT UP TO PAR WILL BE PROMPTLY DEALT WITH," Cheerilee yells at the top of her lungs.
You sit straight up, woken by the volume of Cheerilee's shouts. Wait a second, horn inspection? You heard the stories, but you never believed them. Should have listened to 4hoof, you dolt, they could have saved you. Oh, right, you don't have a horn. Crisis averted, you think, sleepwalking to your next class.
"Hey did you hear about horn inspection, Anon-y-mous?" you hear a chipper voice call from behind you. You bend your head back to get an eyeful of Twilight Sparkle.
She's a dork, a nerd, but she's not so bad. And apparently she's taken a liking to you. That's sweet but, c'mon, she's a purple horse. And a bookworm. You only roll with bookcatapillers.
"Yeah I heard about it, who didn't?"
"I'm so excited, I've always wanted to prove myself to our teachers," she says, hugging her book close.
There is a silly twinkle in her eye.
"Yeah, that cool, if you're into that sort of thing."
You slink away, a torn up notebook in your left hand. On to the next class. . .
An hour later and you're out of history class. Or was it math? Either way, as you exit Chemistry class you’re met with an unusual sight. Sunset Shimmer, the school’s Student Council President, and a procession of lowly slaves, er, you mean ‘assistants’. Wow look at those brain-dead, drooling —
The orange mare glances your way, shimmering hair flowing, she winks at you as she passes. Whoa. Huh, that’s why her name is Shimmer. Bitch is covered in glitter. The hall is dead silent for nearly five minutes after she’s left, stallions and mares alike looking on in shock.
”Oooooh, did you see that?” some guy next to you hisses.
You turn and look down at a pair of giddy stallions.
”She winked at me, man!”
”No, she winked at me!”
You’re about to open your mouth to settle the argument when you feel something coil around you. It’s fucking Twilight, her hooves covering your mouth, legs wrapped around your neck, she’s look down the hall at something. Oh shit. The Toothbrush Terror in the flesh, one of Sunset Shimmer's Student Council friends. One of the "Elite 4." Her mane really does look like crest toothpaste. Crest brand toothpaste, nothing else. Colgate stomps over to the stallions, fuming at the nostrils like a raging bull. The others around them, including you, back away.
They’re whimpering in fear and she hasn't even said a word. Her eyes are bloodshot and unblinking, nearly popping right out of her head. The two stallions are so low their bellies are brushing the tile.
”You two runts really think our GLORIOUS Student Council President would ever even grace you with a glance of disgust, let alone a wink?”
”W-we—” they begin and end in unison.
”SILENCE.”
She huffs and puffs, and then in a dazzling flash of light, two toothbrushes materialize, using her magic she thrusts(!) them into their mouths, forcibly brushing their teeth. Tears stream down their face as their mouths are violated to the point of extreme cleanliness. A mare across the way mewls in horror and dives into her friend for comfort. You make a motion to move, but are stopped. Twilight runs a hoof down your face.
”No sudden moves, Anon,” she says with fear.
You give her a sideways glance, the only thing you can really do right now. Hey she kinda smells like newspapers. Could be worse, you resolve, looking back down at the two guys. The toothbrushes are removed, and their mouths forcibly opened with her magic.
”SAY ‘AHH’.”
They glance at each other.
”AAAAH?”
There is a magnificent flash of light and then poof, both of them are gone. You gasp in shock, getting a mouthful of Twi-fur. Not only are they gone, but so is a good chunk of the wall behind them. Colgate stalks away, smacking a whimpering mare on the way, the poor girl’s horn getting stuck in the wall upon being flung back.
Twilight slithers off of you and back onto the floor, grabbing her books. Students hurry to get to their next classes, everyone is already super late for whatever they’ve got next. You peer out of the hole to the grassy court below, you can just make out two figures, their faces embedded into the dirt. Well, you should probably get going, you have History class.
Or was it Chemistry?
”Hey Anonymous, wait!”
You turn, facing Twilight. She followed you all this way from school.The moment your last class was dismissed you bolted outta that place, yelling “YOU’RE TOO SLOW” to ponies you past.
God, it’s so nice being fast.
“What up?” you reply, spinning around to face her.
You go fast backwards, Twilight trying her best to keep up.
”Aren’t you excited for tomorrow?”
“Meh.”
She gasps.
”B-but horn inspection day! We can finally see your hor- Uh, we can finally see if we’re up to the standards set by our teachers.”
“Meh.”
You probably wouldn't even have to participate. Probably. You fear for Twilight though, any pony happy about being at school seems to get chewed up and spit out soon enough.
”Oh, you’re no fun,” she huffs.
There is a bit of nervous silence from Twilight.
"You should be a bit more careful Anon."
You stop.
"Huh?"
"You shouldn't mess with the School president or her assistants."
"Who?"
Twilight gasps and drops her books.
"Do we even go to the same school? How can you have no idea who the school president is?"
"Meh."
She rolls her eyes.
"Sunset Shimmer and her 4 best friends are not to be trifled with, Anon," she says coldly. That's unlike her.
"Well, I have no bones to pick with them. So, in short, meh."
"So. . .are you uh, doing anything this weekend."
Heavy breathing overtakes you.
"Uh, I've gotta go do some. . .human things." You say your goodbyes and scooby-doo the hell out of there.
Your home is simple enough, nothing more than a tiny shack those uni-wing-horn horses gave you when you moved to Ponyville. It's right next to the strange portal that brought you here in the first place. When you first arrived it glowed and hummed with a foul purple light, but now it's silent and unlit. Just a little stone archway and nothing else. It's nice here in Equestria, for the most part, you think. But it's not home. You'd give anything for a quick visit back to Earth.
The big day is here. You rise from your bed with bags under your eyes. Dressing in your only set of clothes, you scramble out of the shack that is your temporary home, completely forgetting breakfast. It might be nice to get a new set of clothes, maybe just a shirt. You look down at yourself, your white button up is a bit dirty, and a some of the threads are coming undone.
The black slacks hanging on to your hips are worse, all torn up and muddy at the cuffs. Meh. Could be worse. You could be wearing that skimpy sailor fuku the alicorns suggested. A shudder runs through you as you think of it. The school grounds are bustling with nervous students. They huddle in in their little groups, whispering or crying or doing whatever to keep there heads on straight.
Hey look, the two holes in the ground where those stallions landed. You do hope they’re okay, surely they were helped up and treated with care. Oh who are you kidding they’re probably being subjected to toothbrush propaganda in some strange dungeon beneath the school. And what a magnificent school it is, you think, looking upward. From down here you would say it’s a million floors high, but it probably isn't. Probably, there is no way you’re going to trouble yourself counting. White stone walls, masonry. Tomato, tamato. (Pickles, lettuce, onions, mustard and ketchup.)
The bell rings the second you reach the door, and you’re pushed in by a flood of ponies trying to get to their classes. A moment and a lot of groping later and somehow you’re in homeroom. Excellent, really. Cheerilee is already here, at the head of the class, stomping about angrily. For someone with smiling flowers on her ass you’d think she’d be a bit more mellow.
The room is pretty empty, just some sniffling weasel in the back and you present. You're surprised Twilight isn't here already. Well, scratch that. The purple horse herself bursts into the room, breathing heavy, the sound of a hundred hurried hooves on tile behind her.
Cheerilee gives her a scowl, eyeing her as she takes her seat next to you. Twilight is practically bubbling with excitement, she’s moving ever so slightly up and down at a rapid pace. Meh. It takes nearly a half an hour, but everyone arrives, taking their seats.
Big day for these sorry suckers.
”ALRIGHT, ALL OF YOU, SINGLE FILE TO THE COURTYARD,” Cheerilee yelps.
There is a collective groan as everyone stands from their seats.
As instructed you and everyone else shuffles there way out, and down all those stairs once again. Several other classes are already there when yours arrives. Actually, the inspections have already begun. Sunset Shimmer and her assistants are on a raised platform. Lyra Heartstrings is running things it seems, measuring and inspecting with her tape measure.
You're so engaged in the ceremony you bump into the pony in front of you. Looking down you see a nice mare with a pink coat and a fluffy tail. You have the urge to touch it, for a quick second. Any happy thoughts you had are quickly dashed when "she" turns her head around, and in a gruff voice of a 40 year old chain smoking alcoholic, "Watch it bub." Oh that's just grand.
The next hour and a half is spent in relative silence as everyone is inspected in alphabetical order. And, following the alphabet, Twilight Sparkle goes next right after Fluffine Fluff.
"TWRIGHT SPARKU," the announcer says, sniffling and wiping his pimpled face with a hoof. A low "oooohhh" can be heard from the crowd as everyone moves to allow her passage. Looking down the long line of ponies you see Twilight at the end, shivering, clenching her little book. Dead meat.
She creeps forward, one hoof after the other, all the way to the platform. You can hear the clattering of her hooves from here. Lyra snaps her measuring tape, Twilight flinches, Sunset has a shit eating grin and a local stallion is fucking invincible.
The measuring tape is placed across her horn. Sweat trickles down her forehead as Lyra scrutinizes Twilight. The seconds tick by, Lyra's eyelids get closer and closer. Then, as time seems to slow to a glacial pace Lyra opens her mouth. The words drip from her pony face like thick syrup, "SUB," tick, tick, tick, "PAR."
A gasp rings out across the yard, even you're surprised by that. First sub par of the day and it's Twilight. Ironic, huh? She's flabbergasted, no idea what to say.
"Subpar unicorns must be properly dealt with," Sunset claims, looking down at the crowd.
She nods to the blue horse next to her, no, not Colgate, the one in the stupid magic hat and cape.
"The Great and Powerful TRIXIE," her cape flutters, "will now expel this sub par student from the school grounds."
Wait a second, you can't just let that happen! You're Twilight's. . .okay, maybe not friend. Buddy? Acquaintance? One of those. Either way, you've got to do something. Twilight is cowering under the might and awe of Trixie.
A surge of emotion takes over you. You burst from the crowd, ripping off your tie and unbuttoning your shirt. The slightly dirty dress shirt flaps lightly in the wind.
"No so fast, Twix-bar, the meek and powerless."
You adopt a fighting stance, much like from that guy from that game, Deity Appendage. She laughs wholeheartedly.
"You think you can face me? You; some nameless lowly student?"
"What is his name, Glasses?" Sunset asks, casting a glance at the announcer stallion beside her.
"ANIN-WHY-MOUSE," he shouts, spitting a little.
There is a flash of light and the sound of a blade being drawn. The crowd ooohs and aaahs.
“Sunset, if you'll allow me, I'd like to take on this Anoneemus myself," Colgate says, stepping forward.
"OOOOHHH, AAAAHHHH," the crowd responds as Colgate brandishes her toothbrushes.
Sunset smiles. "Allowed."
Trixie looks a little upset, huffing in the back.
"Sunset Shimmer, if I can beat your lackey in a one on one, Twilight doesn't get expelled."
She giggles.
"Are you sure you want that as your request? Are you sure you don't perhaps want some. . .information?"
You squint at her, slacking.
"Information on what?"
"On you," she says with a giggle.
You freeze up. She knows, she's got to know. Why else would she say that?
"Can I have both?"
"No," she growls.
Hmm, well you've got to save Twilight! With a sad sigh you resolve to find out what she knows at some later date.
"Okay, where are we gonna fight?"
"Right here," she squints.
"Well alright."
She stalks onto the soft grass, a few feet from you, toothbrushes twirling at her sides like an ocelot's revolvers. A whistle-based western tune plays softly in the background.
"You want to take off your shoes?" she growls.
"Hmm, yeah okay, that might be nice."
You lean down to pull on the laces when out of the corner of your eye you spot something - a toothbrush. You're nowhere near quick enough to evade it, and it goes straight into your mouth, roughly cleansing your teeth of plaque. Oh, yeah this is pretty bad. You understand why those stallions were crying.
Something must be done. You can't just get face fucked by something inanimate! With your nimble hands you grab for it, wrenching it free. You haven't a moment to recover, for another is coming from the left. The crowd gawks, gasping and crying in horror.
"Go Anon!" Twilight screams.
You bat away the second cleaning utensil and dive for Colgate before she can recover. Rolling her around in the dirt you try your best to channel your inner hot monkey to subdue her.
"S-stop grabbing my ass," she grunts as you struggle with her, face half in the dirt.
You look down, and in your left hand really is a handful of pony butt. F-feels like marshmallow heaven. Two horse butts in as many hours? You're on a roll! Even if one was a guy.
She shifts around and kicks you in the gut with her back legs.
"You're pretty good," she comments, rolling to her feet.
You run at her, tackle her, raising her up with your arms before dropping her to the ground like a sack of potatoes covered in spiders and snakes. She squints in pain but recovers quickly enough, spawning more toothbrushes. With a left and a right you knock out the brushes before they're even sent your way, catching Colgate with an uppercut. This time she stays down, and you can hear her sobbing.
"Hey wow, that was super easy," you say, looking over at Sunset.
She just laughs and glances to your side, where Colgate is. Time slows as you look down at her, and the giant tube of toothpaste she's got held between her forelegs.
"Say AAAH."
"Okay, I'll bite. AAAH."
Like a really dumb fish in water you open your mouth. A second later and your entirely covered in toothpaste.
"I should have seen that coming."
Colgate is about to pounce on you, brushes whirling at her hips, when a shout from Sunset stops her.
"You've proven yourself today, Anonymous."
You'd bow or do something, but you're kinda covered in toothpaste.
"Twilight can remain enrolled here, but you won't get your information, unless of course you can face my four assistants in one-on-ones IRL."
You can only squint, and squirm impotently in rage.
She laughs madly, "For now, why don't you get some rest or something. . ."
The toothpaste loosens and splatters on the grass. You fall to your hands and knees. Twilight runs over to you, trying to get you on your feet with her pony frame. The crowd cheered for someone, you're not sure who. Twilight thanked and hugged you. Sunset smirked. And then suddenly you were back at your home. Looks like she tucked you into bed already. And. . .you appear to be nude. It's been such a long day.
You stumble out of bed, covering yourself up as best as possible with your sheets. For whatever reason you're drawn to the stone arch. Maybe it will give you some peace. It's night time, you can't tell how late. The streets are silent, not a pony in sight. So is the arch, as always. Instead of feeling better, you're just more depressed. Feeling mopey your eyes drift down to the cool grass tickling your feet.
What's that? There is a folded up suit at the base of the arch. Looks pretty sweet, and it's just laying there. But where did it come from? With apprehension you quickly take it inside. Tentatively, you don the new suit and its blood red tie. It's a prefect fit! Hmm, feels, nice. You observe yourself in the mirror. 100% sexy.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.
"Who is it?"
"Twilight Sparkle!"
"At this hour?" you question, feeling the lapel of your new suit.
There is a pause.
"It's seven o'clock."
"It's seven o'clock?"
"It's seven o'clock."
"Oh, well, come it. The door's unlocked."
"I know~"
She opens the door and slides in, hair flowing for some reason.
"How's it going? You feeling alright."
"Dandy! I ordered some horn-enhancing pills online. I even got you some!"
She places a little bottle on your nightstand and takes a seat on your bed.
"I see you found my suit."
"This is yours? But it's human-size."
"Yes, I had it made for you. You're going to beat Sunset Shimmer with it."
Gasps!
Hair flowing!
Flashy lights!
IN THE NEXT EPISODE:
Will Anonymous find who, or what tore him from his cozy life on Earth?
Will Twilight's horn grow?
WILL THERE BE PONY-BUTTS?
FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON HORSE THE HORSE!
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I fucking hope so! My dick stands at the ready!
7740039
If there isn't, I'll riot.
7740039 Wait, you have a dick?
7740060
Yeh. Wanna see? I'll show it to you if you do something nice for me...
7740065
Woah lewd
7740069
You've seen it, you know.
HOLY FUCK THIS WAS AMAZING
7740039 WHAT HAVE YOU GRACED ME WITH????
7740065 B-B-B-B-B-B-Butt you're a girl!
Chicks with dicks is muh fetish.
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shit got weird in the comments section
7740088
It usually does. I'd blame the story, but it's too much fun, and I wouldn't defame it that way.
7740065
The canine one, the feline one, the avian one, or the equine one?
7740091
Canine is the size of my forearm. Only a real man can take its girth.
7740094
Thanks for affirming my manliness.
Bitch I do what I want.
7740090
especially when you show up
Can't wait to see what happens next keep up the good work update soon
7740103
Any time bby
7740155
I'd like to think that's a compliment.
Will it be for Gramophone too? I just got the most recent model.
Jesus died for our sins. And this is how you repay him.
Magnificent.
Funny.
7740376
It needs no explanation.
It exists.
Give in.
Dafuq was that?
Only 38.16 percent of that made any sense!
This is really dumb and enjoyable. Please continue!
7740155 Especially when she SHOWS up
Satsuki Shimmer is bae.
ROW ROW, FIGHT THE POWAH!
7740252
it was
Okay, I expected stupid, but this surpassed even my expectations
It's the best kind of stupid, so you get a huge thumbs up. Oh and a horse butt. Have fun!
7740065
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I think we all know which pony should portray the role of Mako Mankanshoku.
I'll be keeping an eye on this, as everyone needs a little Kill la Kill in their life. But just to let you know, that picture is actually from a video parody based on the anime Gurren Lagann, not Kill la Kill.
The fuck was this?
The fuck was that?
The fuck did I just read?!
Eh fuck it... I'll stick around for the ride. This'll probably the least insane thing I've read on this website.
Reading that at work led to an actual lol. Good job.
wut? you mean like this?
-
Well. anime in text-form. That's what this was. I just realized that I ordered something from Amazon that will arrive tomorrow at a time when I'll probably still be working. On a street that has recently had several thefts, including my own lawnmower. I feel stupid now, and it's too late to cancel the orders. Believe me, I checked. This is completely irrelevant to the fic.
Oh my God, I've finally found something that can match Kill LA Kill in sheer randomness...
Dear Lord...
Is the sequel going to be longer?
oooooooohhhhhhhhh now I think I get why the story is named like that. I mean the president and her 4 friends....kill la kill maybe?
This seems to be even more funny than kill la kill. in a way I don't like it if characters are just changed and put into the position of the original characters, but this story is weird enough for me, so I can give it a fair chance.