Expand upon this and you can make it better. Add in the transition from the castle garden to the cave and you have a better beginning. Otherwise it was ok.
There is no depth to the character. The writing is too fast. Characters are being introduced far too quickly. Very little in the way of describing what is going on.
I give it a one out of ten...
This first chapter is very, very bad in my eyes. Needs all of what I pointed out above and then some...
I have to say this reminds me of my first attempt at writing far too much. My advice is slow down, both in the story's pacing and in you actually writing it out. You're going too fast, the readers do like to stop and smell the flowers from time to time after all. In your haste of writing you're not only making the story a boring and uninteresting blur, but also, in my honest opinion, terribly butchering the English language. Once again, slow down, and let us take in the details. Another bit of advice is to go out and read other fics, this might seem odd but it really does help when you want to learn how to write. I'd recommend fics like Fallout: Equestria, Griffin the Griffin, and rather obligatorily, Past Sins FoE is a great example of detail and how to blend two worlds together, Griffin the Griffin is on the list mostly because it very well shows off an author's own progression, and Past Sins is, well, past sins.
I should also note that when you write you should think of yourself as a theme-park director. not too slow, not too fast. those Disney rides are made to go only so fast for a reason.
I'm not trying to discourage you from writing. That never was and never shall be my intent. I aim to give out pointers, it's up to you if you want to pay attention to them. I do not write this comment with hostile intent, I write it from the perspective of somebody who wants others to learn.
The last thing I can recommend is that you get somebody to help you with this, preferably a friend who is perfectly willing to say negative things about your work. you need a second opinion who can point out inconsistencies, errors, help you progress the story, and most importantly offer a second perspective. Not somebody who praises you all day long.
Well! *rubs hands together*. It would seem this is a story that needs a fair amount of work!
For starters, I could tell before I even read the story that there would be a chance that it would need work. First, second and third chapter with under 900 words is not a good sign.
So! Working on this is not going to be simple, I can tell you that. The idea is good, the execution not much so. From the spelling to the grammar to the very writing itself, it all needs work.
First of all, when you’re writing make sure what you’re writing makes sense. You need to go over it, check for spelling errors, check for grammatical errors, check for correct punctuation, etcetera etcetera. Spelling, grammar and punctuation are something that is needed in any form of writing,. Simple mistakes can cause breaks in immersion, misunderstandings, as well as other things.
Second of all, storytelling. In this chapter, it feels as though you’re retelling something that happened that you’re not at all interested in. Like you can’t be bothered, you’re bored. That’s not a good thing. For starters, it means the story sucks. But not only that, it means the readers feel as though you don’t care. If you don’t care about the story, no one will read it, because they won’t care either. You need to tell the story with detail, imagination, emotion, etc. it needs to have emotion and flair to catch attention and keep it. Put feeling into it to show that you care about the story. Describe what’s happening, describe how the character feels about it, go into detail. Tell it as if it was actually happening, which brings me over to,
Thirdly, show don’t tell. This is a story, and you’re telling it. This is not a list of historical events or a timeline. As such, you need t show what’s happening, not tell. The meaning behind that is instead of telling the readers what’s happening outright, describe it. Instead of telling by writing something like; “He lit the fire,”, show, by giving it description and flair, like; “He struck the rocks together, sparks flying from them and landing on the dry leaves he had gathered, causing them to ignite and fill the area with the soft glow of crackling flames,”. The difference between the two is quite apparent. The latter is longer than the former, and it is more interesting. It gives the story depth and character and helps catch and keep reader attention.
Fourthly, give some background. It’s all well and good to start the story with the readers thrust in as you have, but there’s nothing to show what happened before. All information given is that the character brought a tail and Celestia turned them to stone. Consider writing a proluge which shows events before this chapter. Failing that, give a flashback in this chapter showing those events. Show the character buying the tail, then show what happened leading up to his current situation. You don’t have to show everything, just enough to give the readers some background and understanding.
Fifthly, chapter length. The length of chapters can be important to storytelling. You’ve got to know when to pause and when to keep going. There are times and places for cliffhangers. You need to give each chapter a reasonable length. Set a goal for yourself, something reasonable. Give the readers enough to read in one go. Not every chapter needs a significant event happening. Give the readers times to breathe, some calm. I recommend a chapter word goal of around 3k words. It’s not too short and not too long. It gives the readers a fair amount to read. Bear in mind that you can use techniques like showing not telling to extend the word count without actually writing more story. Just do not go overboard with it, the story must still progress in every chapter no matter how little that progress is, you can’t just fill them with adjectives.
That’s some advice on writing. It’s what I know and what I’ve learned from reading other stories and advice on such stories. As I said, the idea for this story is good, the writing just needs work to portray it in a way that will do the idea justice.
I’d recommend working on fixing these chapters simultaneously with writing new chapters for the story. These chapters are the first readers will see and are actually the more important ones. The description of the story draws readers in but these first few chapters actually capture them. If these chapters are of poor quality, readers will not continue with your story and will stop here.
I hope you take the feedback given into consideration and I hope to see this story getting lots of upvotes.
8725054 Haha Yeah, I'm in the process of rewriting these chapters labeled Under Construction, I realized most of these problems when I actually got into writing. At first, I didn't really care and just wanted involvement. Then as I got into it, I decided to I wanted to make this a great legacy, then as later chapters start getting written I started trying more and more experimenting a bit. But here I'm trying to turn this from a blank sheet into a great masterpiece. But I'm taking long because I'm juggling school and life and this. Plus I want everything to be ready before I put it out. I want to make sure that I'm ready and prepared for what is to come.
Anyways, your comment has been read and regarded thank you for your time here.
Xenomorph Queen eh? I like it be’er when they are as close to what they are s’posed to represent as possible. Meanin’ that this ‘ere buddy ain’t s’posed to be able ta talk ya know. Anyway it’s not the best i’ve ever read but it alot be’er than some o’ the things others made.
Sunlight assaulted my exposed eyes. The sunlight burned my underdeveloped skin, but I welcomed it, I welcomed the sensation of pain, I could finally feel again. I look all around and then straight, to seeing the frightened class of foals, the teacher stood on her hind legs, putting herself between me and them. Several shrieks filled the air as panicked ponies run out of my enclosure.
Wait! They don't have "eyes" they have their heads
8116607 I'm sorry for the long wait but I have finally rewritten my chapters I'm sure many of you don't remember who I am but I'm someone whose story you tried out a while ago and I'm asking you to try again.
9159614 Re-reading the first chapter, it doesn't seem like you did much. There are still glaring problems like we don't know what he is, how he got there, etc. It's still somewhat telling instead of showing.
You need to mention it's a Xenomorph queen and how it got there. Putting it in the description doesn't count. We need more details on how she got there.
Considering this is your first story it's not bad, though there's some good advice in the comments. Is the guy actually a Xenomorph queen, cus you mentioned tong and eyes? Or just a guy in a suit?
Quick, and too the point. Enjoyable, but nothing special currently.
There's an 'I' instead of 'it' too.
Hmm. Seems good so far. Though, you might want to fix quite a few spelling mistakes
Well, i tried. Im never going to find a good xenomorph/mlp fanfic! There was only 1 i liked!
What happened when the transition from the gardens to the cave? xD
Expand upon this and you can make it better. Add in the transition from the castle garden to the cave and you have a better beginning. Otherwise it was ok.
Chapter 1.....
There is no depth to the character.
The writing is too fast.
Characters are being introduced far too quickly.
Very little in the way of describing what is going on.
I give it a one out of ten...
This first chapter is very, very bad in my eyes. Needs all of what I pointed out above and then some...
7787346 I completely agree with this.
I have to say this reminds me of my first attempt at writing far too much.
My advice is slow down, both in the story's pacing and in you actually writing it out.
You're going too fast, the readers do like to stop and smell the flowers from time to time after all.
In your haste of writing you're not only making the story a boring and uninteresting blur, but also, in my honest opinion, terribly butchering the English language.
Once again, slow down, and let us take in the details.
Another bit of advice is to go out and read other fics, this might seem odd but it really does help when you want to learn how to write.
I'd recommend fics like Fallout: Equestria, Griffin the Griffin, and rather obligatorily, Past Sins
FoE is a great example of detail and how to blend two worlds together, Griffin the Griffin is on the list mostly because it very well shows off an author's own progression, and Past Sins is, well, past sins.
I should also note that when you write you should think of yourself as a theme-park director. not too slow, not too fast. those Disney rides are made to go only so fast for a reason.
I'm not trying to discourage you from writing. That never was and never shall be my intent. I aim to give out pointers, it's up to you if you want to pay attention to them. I do not write this comment with hostile intent, I write it from the perspective of somebody who wants others to learn.
The last thing I can recommend is that you get somebody to help you with this, preferably a friend who is perfectly willing to say negative things about your work. you need a second opinion who can point out inconsistencies, errors, help you progress the story, and most importantly offer a second perspective. Not somebody who praises you all day long.
Well! *rubs hands together*. It would seem this is a story that needs a fair amount of work!
For starters, I could tell before I even read the story that there would be a chance that it would need work. First, second and third chapter with under 900 words is not a good sign.
So! Working on this is not going to be simple, I can tell you that. The idea is good, the execution not much so. From the spelling to the grammar to the very writing itself, it all needs work.
First of all, when you’re writing make sure what you’re writing makes sense. You need to go over it, check for spelling errors, check for grammatical errors, check for correct punctuation, etcetera etcetera. Spelling, grammar and punctuation are something that is needed in any form of writing,. Simple mistakes can cause breaks in immersion, misunderstandings, as well as other things.
Second of all, storytelling. In this chapter, it feels as though you’re retelling something that happened that you’re not at all interested in. Like you can’t be bothered, you’re bored. That’s not a good thing. For starters, it means the story sucks. But not only that, it means the readers feel as though you don’t care. If you don’t care about the story, no one will read it, because they won’t care either. You need to tell the story with detail, imagination, emotion, etc. it needs to have emotion and flair to catch attention and keep it. Put feeling into it to show that you care about the story. Describe what’s happening, describe how the character feels about it, go into detail. Tell it as if it was actually happening, which brings me over to,
Thirdly, show don’t tell. This is a story, and you’re telling it. This is not a list of historical events or a timeline. As such, you need t show what’s happening, not tell. The meaning behind that is instead of telling the readers what’s happening outright, describe it. Instead of telling by writing something like; “He lit the fire,”, show, by giving it description and flair, like; “He struck the rocks together, sparks flying from them and landing on the dry leaves he had gathered, causing them to ignite and fill the area with the soft glow of crackling flames,”. The difference between the two is quite apparent. The latter is longer than the former, and it is more interesting. It gives the story depth and character and helps catch and keep reader attention.
Fourthly, give some background. It’s all well and good to start the story with the readers thrust in as you have, but there’s nothing to show what happened before. All information given is that the character brought a tail and Celestia turned them to stone. Consider writing a proluge which shows events before this chapter. Failing that, give a flashback in this chapter showing those events. Show the character buying the tail, then show what happened leading up to his current situation. You don’t have to show everything, just enough to give the readers some background and understanding.
Fifthly, chapter length. The length of chapters can be important to storytelling. You’ve got to know when to pause and when to keep going. There are times and places for cliffhangers. You need to give each chapter a reasonable length. Set a goal for yourself, something reasonable. Give the readers enough to read in one go. Not every chapter needs a significant event happening. Give the readers times to breathe, some calm. I recommend a chapter word goal of around 3k words. It’s not too short and not too long. It gives the readers a fair amount to read. Bear in mind that you can use techniques like showing not telling to extend the word count without actually writing more story. Just do not go overboard with it, the story must still progress in every chapter no matter how little that progress is, you can’t just fill them with adjectives.
That’s some advice on writing. It’s what I know and what I’ve learned from reading other stories and advice on such stories. As I said, the idea for this story is good, the writing just needs work to portray it in a way that will do the idea justice.
I’d recommend working on fixing these chapters simultaneously with writing new chapters for the story. These chapters are the first readers will see and are actually the more important ones. The description of the story draws readers in but these first few chapters actually capture them. If these chapters are of poor quality, readers will not continue with your story and will stop here.
I hope you take the feedback given into consideration and I hope to see this story getting lots of upvotes.
8725054
Haha Yeah, I'm in the process of rewriting these chapters labeled Under Construction, I realized most of these problems when I actually got into writing. At first, I didn't really care and just wanted involvement. Then as I got into it, I decided to I wanted to make this a great legacy, then as later chapters start getting written I started trying more and more experimenting a bit. But here I'm trying to turn this from a blank sheet into a great masterpiece. But I'm taking long because I'm juggling school and life and this. Plus I want everything to be ready before I put it out. I want to make sure that I'm ready and prepared for what is to come.
Anyways, your comment has been read and regarded thank you for your time here.
8725054
Also, sorry for the overdue response, I'm at a point right now where I cannot write or type anything.
Xenomorph Queen eh? I like it be’er when they are as close to what they are s’posed to represent as possible. Meanin’ that this ‘ere buddy ain’t s’posed to be able ta talk ya know. Anyway it’s not the best i’ve ever read but it alot be’er than some o’ the things others made.
Wait! They don't have "eyes" they have their heads
9120149
Well in my version his eyes are on the outside of his head so....picture a xenomorph with eyes on the outside it's pretty freaky
8725054
7787346
8116607
I'm sorry for the long wait but I have finally rewritten my chapters I'm sure many of you don't remember who I am but I'm someone whose story you tried out a while ago and I'm asking you to try again.
9159614
Re-reading the first chapter, it doesn't seem like you did much. There are still glaring problems like we don't know what he is, how he got there, etc. It's still somewhat telling instead of showing.
9165393
Yeah I still need to work on my own writing skills
You need to mention it's a Xenomorph queen and how it got there. Putting it in the description doesn't count. We need more details on how she got there.
Enjoying it so far and only the first chapter too, I'm sad that it says it was cancelled tough
Considering this is your first story it's not bad, though there's some good advice in the comments. Is the guy actually a Xenomorph queen, cus you mentioned tong and eyes? Or just a guy in a suit?