That was so lovely! Oh it's so romantic it's almost painful
The chapter's are good in my opinion but a little too short for my taste though. Still lookin forward for many more updates! Thanks for another awesome chapter. Keep up the good work!!
good show old chap now excuse me while I try to get rid of this 'soilder' of mine who won't go at ease (lol I just had to say it) Now then in all seriousness, D'AAAAAWWWWWWW
Ok, I am part of the Criticism Central Group, and I DO NOT come In peace. I'm going to name some things, not all, but some of the thing that are wrong with your story. Alright? Alright, Alright!
1. Even If your Grammar Isn't Horrible, Its still pretty bad. What Type of writing software do you use?
2. PACING MAN! GET WITH THE F***IN' PROGRAM! But seriously, your going WAAAAY To fast! Your on the fifth chapter and Fluttershy Is already making out with your character, FLUTTERSHY! SERIOUSLY!?! (I will continue on THAT particular subject In a bit) I wouldn't really mind If this was happening after say... Five 10'000-20'000-30'000 word chapters, that stretch over the time period of a month, or, hell, a week at least! And before you make a rebutle on how there are no storys like that, there are and If you want proof just ask... Anyway, MOVING ON!
3. Twilight and Fluttershy are SCARILY out of Character! Seriously, after not even a full 24 hours, Flutters has come up with more courage then she has In her Entire life. Not sure If you are familiar with this but... Her name is FlutterSHY! Secondly, I highly doubt that even saving her life, would result In a 15 Minute make out session. You would probably get a lot of Quiet 'thank you's and a lot of Crying. Twilight, well, she needs a little more work, but I guess you got her down for the most part, but still... F***IN SCARY!
4. Wouldn't you think they would have a hard time taking In the fact they are a figment of someone, a creature they never knew even existed even, elses Imagination? Twilight would be asking a LOT more questions. Just Sayun.
5. Chapter lenght, Oh My F(SQUWAK!)ING GOD! Scuse my french but ANYTHING UNDER 1000 WORDS DOES NOT COUNT AS A CHAPTER! Its like walking Into a resturant and ordering a salad! You don't fucking do It! A salad(Or In your case, a chapter under 1000 words) Is supposed to be a sign of good things to come, like a blog post. When I browse storys and I see a fic with five chapters and just a little over 5000 words, I don;t wanna read It. Good chapters are 3000-4000 Words long, even If your story sucks baboon ass, the amount of content makes It better.
Thats It, my rant Is over, well almost, Pardon me for a second ...... ARGH!
Ok, now I'm done.
I give your story a 3.5 out of 10, and I'm being generous (Lol, pun) because I have a soft spot for HumanXFluttershy and HumanXTwilight. Il also be hanging around to see how you Improve.
While my two biggest nitpicks about this story are the chapter length and the sometimes cringe inducing grammar, the rest of it doesn't bother me to much. They aren't exactly in character but not really so far out of it that it is a major issue. Pacing is also too fast but that's because of the chapter length. This is clearly the work of an ammeter writer but isn't that part of the point of this website?
Now some actual advice for your story. First off have you and your friend Benjeman read this story OUT LOUD to each other. The chapter are only 1000 words long and it would take you both 3-5 minutes to read each one back and forth. I promise this will solve 99% of your grammar/spelling problems. And if he doesn't live close to you, get Skype and read it over that.
Try to improve on your chapters length, the part where Fluttershy falls could have greatly improved descriptions. I don't care how light she is, she had to have been moving fast. Getting hit in the chest by ANYTHING over 5 pounds going that fast would knock the !@#% out of you.
Always try to find ways to improve, I'm going to guess that's why your writing. It could also be just for fun but why not get better at it as well? Read through your old work and see what could have been done better, it will help you for next time you go to write something.
That was so lovely! Oh it's so romantic it's almost painful
The chapter's are good in my opinion but a little too short for my taste though. Still lookin forward for many more updates! Thanks for another awesome chapter. Keep up the good work!!
The grammar mistakes are jarring, but it's still looking good!
good show old chap now excuse me while I try to get rid of this 'soilder' of mine who won't go at ease (lol I just had to say it)
Now then in all seriousness, D'AAAAAWWWWWWW
hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng death from so much D'AW
Ok, I am part of the Criticism Central Group, and I DO NOT come In peace. I'm going to name some things, not all, but some of the thing that are wrong with your story. Alright? Alright, Alright!
1. Even If your Grammar Isn't Horrible, Its still pretty bad. What Type of writing software do you use?
2. PACING MAN! GET WITH THE F***IN' PROGRAM! But seriously, your going WAAAAY To fast! Your on the fifth chapter and Fluttershy Is already making out with your character, FLUTTERSHY! SERIOUSLY!?! (I will continue on THAT particular subject In a bit) I wouldn't really mind If this was happening after say... Five 10'000-20'000-30'000 word chapters, that stretch over the time period of a month, or, hell, a week at least! And before you make a rebutle on how there are no storys like that, there are and If you want proof just ask... Anyway, MOVING ON!
3. Twilight and Fluttershy are SCARILY out of Character! Seriously, after not even a full 24 hours, Flutters has come up with more courage then she has In her Entire life. Not sure If you are familiar with this but... Her name is FlutterSHY! Secondly, I highly doubt that even saving her life, would result In a 15 Minute make out session. You would probably get a lot of Quiet 'thank you's and a lot of Crying. Twilight, well, she needs a little more work, but I guess you got her down for the most part, but still... F***IN SCARY!
4. Wouldn't you think they would have a hard time taking In the fact they are a figment of someone, a creature they never knew even existed even, elses Imagination? Twilight would be asking a LOT more questions. Just Sayun.
5. Chapter lenght, Oh My F(SQUWAK!)ING GOD! Scuse my french but ANYTHING UNDER 1000 WORDS DOES NOT COUNT AS A CHAPTER!
Its like walking Into a resturant and ordering a salad! You don't fucking do It! A salad(Or In your case, a chapter under 1000 words) Is supposed to be a sign of good things to come, like a blog post. When I browse storys and I see a fic with five chapters and just a little over 5000 words, I don;t wanna read It. Good chapters are 3000-4000 Words long, even If your story sucks baboon ass, the amount of content makes It better.
Thats It, my rant Is over, well almost, Pardon me for a second ...... ARGH!
Ok, now I'm done.
I give your story a 3.5 out of 10, and I'm being generous (Lol, pun) because I have a soft spot for HumanXFluttershy and HumanXTwilight. Il also be hanging around to see how you Improve.
So...... FIX IT! ..... Or Else Painis Cupcake will find you....
-MyDigitalHazard Out
1029500 thank you for the critic but you must understand that I am only doing this for my own amusement. this is just for fun. so please deal with it
1029500 You use caps a lot more then is required.
While my two biggest nitpicks about this story are the chapter length and the sometimes cringe inducing grammar, the rest of it doesn't bother me to much. They aren't exactly in character but not really so far out of it that it is a major issue. Pacing is also too fast but that's because of the chapter length. This is clearly the work of an ammeter writer but isn't that part of the point of this website?
Now some actual advice for your story. First off have you and your friend Benjeman read this story OUT LOUD to each other. The chapter are only 1000 words long and it would take you both 3-5 minutes to read each one back and forth. I promise this will solve 99% of your grammar/spelling problems. And if he doesn't live close to you, get Skype and read it over that.
Try to improve on your chapters length, the part where Fluttershy falls could have greatly improved descriptions. I don't care how light she is, she had to have been moving fast. Getting hit in the chest by ANYTHING over 5 pounds going that fast would knock the !@#% out of you.
Always try to find ways to improve, I'm going to guess that's why your writing. It could also be just for fun but why not get better at it as well? Read through your old work and see what could have been done better, it will help you for next time you go to write something.
That's all, Everestt signing off, have a eeyup.
that just so cool well there's the BONER and WING BONER,What The Fuck
i'm so amaze by this
oh by the way, thank you for giving me a link to a pony version of facebook
1030019
no more to say
hope next part come soon
Take all my d'awwws!
I loved this chapter it was so sweet and a awesome read.I cant wait to see what happen next totheb and between them all next.