Three months have passed since Shining Armor has been trapped as an earth pony maid. Now known as Lowly Servant, she had given up all hope of rescue. She thought it was over until Twilight's error prone pupil, Evening Storm turned her into a filly!
I thought I was the only one writing a sequel, then I noticed your story a few hours later after posting mine. I got to tell you, the foal idea is a nice touch, really does feel like a huge relief for Shining to relax and enjoy the rest of his freedom as a foal, especially with the way his life was progressing the months prior. What will the ending be like? Will it be good, sad, or maybe both? Either way, this was a pleasant read.
So far so good, can't wait for what follows next!
Also, a few spelling and spacing errors throughout the chapter, but overall, looks neat!
6726053 Well, In the original story, Lord Shining made it clear that she was not allowed to hurt him AND herself, but as far as I can tell, she wasn't told not to hurt anyone else.
I believe, however, she can't cause harm to Cadance or the foals, for it will cause harm to Lord Armor and to Lowly herself. After all, Cadance is Lowly's love, and she's carrying Lord Armor's foals, so she's basically in a grid lock when it comes to harming them. Same goes to Twilight and her friends, she's basically Lowly's and Lord Armor's sister and her friends are just as much his friends as Twilight's. So, she can't harm any of them, not that she ever will or could, mind you.
For the other maids and servants, maybe, but again, they work for Lord Armor, so she probably can't do harm to them without doing harm to him as well, even though Lord Armor doesn't give a crap about any of them.
Thank freaking god, somebody made a sequel. I understand exactly what you mean about the original getting under your skin. Couldnt stop thinkong about it in horror for days afterwards.
6726116 For what I have seen in the original the Spell take every thing almost literally and explicitly, I don't think that the instructions allow much in the way of acting beyond what she is told. The only way that she would expend on that is the compulsion of doing. Still, the Idea of harming others is a good one but I believe that the meekness persona would prevent her from acting against others much less harming them.
With this reinterpretation of the sequel of the story has a drastic shift of tone that is more comedic that I fond... interesting that is not bad, but I see the obviousness of the writer of wanting things to go better for pore old Lowly, in which I love to she her suffer as is . Still I hope that it will continue to be interesting to see how the story progresses on ward. Hope to see next chapter soon.
I'll tentatively follow this one, but I really need an answer to this one question to keep my interest. Is this going to be another bad end for the real Shining Armor, or is this going to be a karma-catches-up fic?
While not as distasteful as the original it still leaves a sour feeling in my mouth.
Original had the problem where it shit hard on Mr. Armors life and had a "bad" ending and I know you're just going off of that but holy hell moly every character in this story are as dumb as horses, HA.
Can't wait till tomorrow to see the next chapter (Y)
With so many variables and conflicting commands, it will be hard to maintain any control over Pepper unless she got a sort of 'command wipe' to allow non conflicting commands to be given again. But that would be way too suspicious, so 'Shining' will have to live with the risk until he can find a way to pin the weirder behavior on Evening. This is the last chance the real Shining has to free himself from this terrible fate, lets hope he manages to make it work.
Its a hugeee personally opinion but I feel like Cadence should connect how Lowly is switching personality on a whim/order. Not sure if she met any other maids but its kinda hella weird when someone is so quick to take the role of a child even if their ruler ordered them to. Also holy moly Evening has the twitchy when hes near enchantments and its been twitchy since he met the maid and Twilight being the smarty smart she is should connect Lowly + Twitchy quick af.
6727250 Ah I see. Basically my reasoning for Cadance not realizing the issue is because she said it herself in the previous fic. She barely notices the maids anymore. For my story I made the reason because they are so quick to please her, that when they feel they fail to do so, they freak out. Hence why they think Lowly was just upset for spilling wine. Lowly acting like a filly, to Cadance right now feels no different then normal. A maid is very eager to please her princess and is doing this because she ordered it.
It may be in the back of her mind that something is a bit odd, but remember, as far as she's concerned, Shining Armor is right next to her. She has no reason to suspect the persona spell is active.
As for Evening and Twilight not realizing Lowly is the one with the enchantment, that's because it simply doesn't really come up. How many ponies do you think you'd come across with such a spell attached to them? Their first thoughts are to believe some enchanted object might be near by. Evening could think it's the Crystal Heart itself. I actually meant to have a bit of him wondering if the Crystal heart might have magical fluctuations during the day. Perhaps I'll see if I can fit that into the next chapter before I post it tomorrow...
What an amazing story so far! I don't know who could ever downvote something like this. Anyone who took umbrage with the original should find nothing to hate here!
Solid writing all around, and a super creative solution to Lowly Servant's predicament! I just love how you refer back to all the past orders she's been given. How she tries to rationalize each and every new directive, trying desperately to fit them into the complex web of obedience she's been caught in for so long. Prioritizing some orders above others depending on whether they came from Shining, Cadance, or somepony else, and being forced to disregard those at odds with a higher command... It's no wonder she gets so confused!
I'm genuinely curious where it's going to go from here! The true happy ending would be for the imposter to be ferreted out and the real Shining Armor restored, but will that happen? I'm not so sure. I can also see the story ending with "Peppermint" becoming Evening Storm's child full-time, and him whisking her away from the torment she's endured in the Crystal Empire. That would be a bittersweet ending, though you still kind of have to feel for Cadance in that case, being stuck married to such a monster.
I guess I won't have to wait long to find out. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to reading how this plays! Great job!
6727478 Cute sequel concept, by the way. I do hope that karmatic payback is done to that maid, making her into a sex slave. Better yet, a bimbo, so she can't think her way out of her punishment, like how Shining was briefly turned into a high school one in the original fic.
6727478 Oh, and also, major loophole. As a kid, she'll likely want to draw. And she was ordered to not 'tell' the truth. But... she could draw what happened, eh? Like, picture of a maid with a thought bubble of shining, and vice versa. Along with other types of drawings to show what all happened.
6727506 If you interpret the commands the right way... That could work. But I don't think it would be enough to convince anyone she's Shining, Maybe write the claim then write some things only he could possibly know?
6727529 But again, the fake Shining will know most of these things to, because he read the diary. Though, the fact that she knew these things would at least trigger an investigation. And could lead to Shining's salvation. We will have to wait and see.
Closing his eyes, he thought back to the night Cadance had made her, LemonFresh, a random nopony maid, into Shining Armor the lord of this castle. At first he had been confused, wondering what was going on. It was only after Cadance had tried to remove the persona spell that he finally began to piece things together...
...His only concern then had been what happened to the real Shining Armor, till she unwittingly gave herself away right to his face. Since then, he had made Lowly’s life one of endless suffering and humiliation, while his own had become one of luxury and joy. The added bonus of rubbing it in the old Shining’s face made it all the better.
...seems misplaced to me. It's good insight into fake Shining Armor's character, but it shoulders its way in right at the climax of the chapter, and it just gets in the way! At this point, we're super anxious to know how the antagonist is going to react to seeing pint-sized Lowly Servant seated at the table. We're hanging off the edge of our seats! ...and then comes a big six paragraph info dump, most of which we already know (or have guessed).
The backstory's great, but this isn't the place for it. I recommend moving this to one of the earlier establishing scenes — perhaps when Shining Armor first sets out to track down Lowly Servant after she runs out on the dinner? Shining already gives a bit of introspection there, I can't help but feel like it would be much more at home in that segment.
A Maid to Please fucked me up emotionally. It was so bad that I myself contemplated writing a sequel to quell the raging emotions inside my heart, demanding a good end. My idea was, however, that the extreme emotional and mental shock would break him out of the spell's hold and he would run up to Candence and tell her the whole thing and everything would be set right.
Cadence is a horrible wife...at this point, I hope Shinning will get hooked up with Chryssy. In many stories...the good guys are always stupid. while certain bad guys make us love them with their decisive actions, charm and personal moral codes.
‘wife’ to just dispel any magic on him at the time just to ease his mind.
Should have turned him back into a mare then.
Starlight Glimmer, "And this is why my world with no masters and servants is a GOOD THING!"
The old Shining just had to be the goody two horseshoes didn’t he? Well, it was just one minor downside all things considered.
All things considered, he won't last long as Cadence's husband given his true nature. Having gone insane with power.
If he could just get her alone for a bit. Oh the fun he could have.
Complete monster. Got it.
I just wonder what happens when a crisis hits and this Shining Armor either panics, or tries to keep face, or otherwise blows his cover. (Or gets himself killed.)
You don’t have to do any of this if you don’t want to.
:-) NIce Job Breaking It Villain.
“Gah! Alright alright! You all win! I’ll be daddy for now!”
If I had been in any of the heroes shoes, I'd wonder what the hell happened to this poor mare that she'd be that eager to accept a complete stranger as a father figure and get some professional help and dismiss her doing her job until she worked out some obviously deeply hurting issues!
Ironically Starlight Glimmer could take over the role of OC here, in particular given how she hates 'haves and have-nots' she'd be even more eager to help get a maid a night off and even more so given her abandonment issues, after seeing how she reacts to being provided a parental figure.
It had been very slippery during his first month as the new Lord of the Castle. It was only obvious that at times he’d act in a way that the old Shining would not have.
k that's a bit of a contradiction to the original story that i already pointed out in my comment , cadance's hypno thing was supposed to make the victim think and act like they think they're being hypnoed into does , though it's a negligent detail for the story.....
and the jam to explode and cover the kitchen without harming the jar.
gotta admit that made me laugh....
ok so it's becoming apparent this fic is basically what i used to do in many childhood fantasies i would often have/play out , which is basically a self insert/character take over to act as a more competent/compassionate individual at that moment of time to spare the characters from some suffering/fix some problem which you only know how to do having already seen events play out by being a 4th wall party observer , which is something i even used to think about when going to bed when was younger , but i haven't really done that in a long time , and being aware that that's what im reading right now is pretty weird to me.....
but already that older self of mine sees a mistake your character made that could have done the correction process much sooner , namely how you introduced some horn problem along with the character's magic problem that causes it to passively react to enchantments , and while his is going off like crazy he speaks with someone who he observes as being clearly under some serious mental crisis and he forces the revelation of that cause he's your self insert so he can be that smart , but apparently not smart enough to figure out what the actual problem which i would have been easily able to deduce in that situation that the horn was reacting to the person thus he already knows that they are enchanted and their could only be so many possibilities from there on...... oh wow and you didn't even get twi to figure it out right away? i thought for sure that was coming next i was getting ready to delete this last part....
ok wat , you don't have cadance react to the maid repeating the name she had given shining when this mess started? really? wtf.............
and another thing , when cadance is triggering more enchantments on original shining , shouldn't eve's horn be reacting progressively worse as cadance keeps talking? the other fic had horrible ooc that lead to an very unsatisfying fic , but yours just seems to be ignoring foundations to it's world that you yourself established for no reason......
A spell he managed to remove from himself by pleading to his ‘wife’ to just dispel any magic on him at the time just to ease his mind.
ok so removing the context of the interaction at the end of the first fic this is acceptable , now the only problem here is why this character would have such a deep distane for shining that they would go out of their way this much to cause shining suffering? ugh.......
Hmm, then again it might just really embarrass her. He hadn’t tried having her act like a whore to visiting nobles yet. Perhaps he’d entertain that thought later after all. Assuming he couldn’t get Twilight and Cadance to agree to the genderswap thing.
.....ok this is puzzling , what is shining referring to in this? i don't get it.....
“Ah I see, well no helping it then.” Shining replied, keeping his poker face up. Infuriating twit. The maid was his property. How dare this third rate magician speak to him, the prince in such a manner! Sadly, any other reaction would raise too many questions about his behavior. Like it or not he was stuck with things as they were.
i can't handle this , the characters are all being so stupid in their approaches in this , why does fake shining think he can even consider doing anything to eve when he can only levitate stuff and it was just explained to him that eve preformed age regression magic BY ACCIDENT?.........
all the meanwhile everyone is completely oblivious to the reality that they're all pretty much directly programming real shining's actions with what they keep telling him to do? ugh.....
and despite all this , i haven't noticed a single inconsistency in your handling of the hypno portion of this , that's beng done exceptionally well , guess it's easy to tell where your priorities lie then :l ......
mmmm now im not sure what to think , having finished now , the situation seems like the fake shining's only course of action to not be found out required being so drastic that he would be found out anyways , and would thus seem like the most self beneficial solution is to come clean and fix things now as prolonging this would only likely make the repercussions for their actions worse but often in the mind of the psychotic they will stick with their denial of the consequences of their actions for as long as they can , so now the dynamic of the fic is suddenly interesting to me again , ugh......
What you said about Maid to Please, I feel the same way. I read that story, and I wanted to cry for Lowly Servant. I'm going to read this story in the hopes that everything is set right at the end.
Loving this story even though it serves to iincrease my desire to see Cadence die. And now I'd like very much for it be Twilight who kills her, or serves Cadence alive to changlings or windigos, timberwolves etc.
“I mustn’t! I mustn’t! I’m just a humble nobody maid. I’ll be scolded if I do not get back to work!.” Again she tried to move.
Looking at this again, I can see it from an outsiders view in the student’s perspective. It seems almost like it could turn into a detective story or something, and if we didn’t know what happened to shinning, that would be my first guess. Or maybe I’m watching too much Gotham.
Now he’d have to play damage control with an over eager Princess just longing to upgrade that Tartarus pit that was the servant quarters. Why waste their time or bits? It’s not like he had to sleep there anymore. Let it stay as it was.
She certainly is a very bitter and selfish mare. I do wonder what her life was like. She doesn't seem to have any connections to her fellow maids.
I don't get though why she's so opposed to upgrading the maid quarters though. She obviously doesn't care but she would also not really oppose it. After all that would be suspicious and wouldn't really gain her anything. That sentence of 'time and bits' is a little weird as I would think she wouldn't really care about that.
I think you should also try and give a little more backstory to Lemon. Maybe she was a noble who fell through the cracks and became nothing. She could have had an admiration for Cadance and hated Shining armor as she saw him as unworthy of her. That would be the reason she likes torturing him so much.
I like the story overall. Though as with the first one I do think the other maids should get more mention. Just what do they think? How are they satisfied with the situation? I would also think there would be some that were sympathetic to Shining. At least 1.
“Find the truth.” The words shocked her. How could she be so bold as to say that? Yet what else could she do? He demanded an answer, and she must obey.
“What? What do you mean.” She began to shiver.
“I mustn’t! I mustn’t! I’m just a humble nobody maid. I’ll be scolded if I do not get back to work!.” Again she tried to move.
I would think Shining would want to go back to the maid room and cry. After getting his heart broken like that he wouldn't want to deal with a persistent youth who has a short attention span.
Something had been nagging at the back of her mind ever since she brought up the vibrator spell. Shouldn’t she be feeling the vibration even now? It had only just begun to pick up when she met Evening. With a start, she realized she hadn’t felt anything from it since being turned into a filly. The spell never just shut off before getting her despairingly close to climax. Why had it chosen to leave her alone now? It couldn’t be just because she was a filly could it?
It could be. A filly isn't yet sexually active so maybe the spell could still activate but just cause a mild annoyance.
“I’m afraid so sir,” Evening said with a sigh. Shining carefully kept the glare out of his gaze. This was not a situation he needed, Lowly Servant was just like her namesake. His slave, his property, as it should be. What use was she to him like this?
I would think she would recognize just how dangerous this is. With her entire wiring so out of whack and her being the center of attention of all the important ponies things could very easily go wrong. I would think she would have her act like a normal filly all day and try to be as nice and generous as possible. Try hard to make sure the entire thing passes without incident.
I'm surprised she is taking offense at this. I would think the only thing going through her mind would be fear and how to get this out of the way as smoothly as possible. The 3 months had more than proven the status quo was stable but now it's entirely up in the air. Compared to what she has to lose I would think having Shining have a fun day and not getting to treat him like she wants is irrelevant.
“She’s probably just tired.” Shining said with grin. “Perhaps I should take her to your room to rest?” If he could just get her alone for a bit. Oh the fun he could have.
I would think the biggest thing would be to renew some of the orders. I still don't get why she still has her mind on sex right now. I would think at the moment ensuring Peppermint becomes Lowly again would be his top priority. If they in any was suspect him for doing anything with Peppermint they'll be outraged and immediately will be asking him uncomfortable questions. The maids are all adults so having sex with them is fine.
Shining put a smile on his face, but inside he was anything but happy. In fact he was close to glaring at Evening. He was really beginning to hate this student of Twilight’s. Not only had he taken his favorite sex toy away, but was actively giving her a possible way out. Even he saw the loophole that if she was allowed to keep being his daughter as a ‘job’ she could not only take that chance to escape, but possibly re-gain some of the happiness he had taken from her when he took over her position.
Why does Lemon care so much about that? Why does she seem to actively hate Shining Armor so much? Did he do something to her?
I thought I was the only one writing a sequel, then I noticed your story a few hours later after posting mine. I got to tell you, the foal idea is a nice touch, really does feel like a huge relief for Shining to relax and enjoy the rest of his freedom as a foal, especially with the way his life was progressing the months prior. What will the ending be like? Will it be good, sad, or maybe both? Either way, this was a pleasant read.
So far so good, can't wait for what follows next!
Also, a few spelling and spacing errors throughout the chapter, but overall, looks neat!
6725914
Damn, I can never seem to catch all of those. If you point any out I'll fix em.
Also, part 2 of this is already done. Expect it tomorrow morning. ^_^
I found a loophole. The spell says that "she" can't hurt herself, but what about other ponies? (Hint: You know who i'm talking about)
6726053 Well, In the original story, Lord Shining made it clear that she was not allowed to hurt him AND herself, but as far as I can tell, she wasn't told not to hurt anyone else.
I believe, however, she can't cause harm to Cadance or the foals, for it will cause harm to Lord Armor and to Lowly herself. After all, Cadance is Lowly's love, and she's carrying Lord Armor's foals, so she's basically in a grid lock when it comes to harming them. Same goes to Twilight and her friends, she's basically Lowly's and Lord Armor's sister and her friends are just as much his friends as Twilight's. So, she can't harm any of them, not that she ever will or could, mind you.
For the other maids and servants, maybe, but again, they work for Lord Armor, so she probably can't do harm to them without doing harm to him as well, even though Lord Armor doesn't give a crap about any of them.
I shall read this. :>
Thank freaking god, somebody made a sequel. I understand exactly what you mean about the original getting under your skin. Couldnt stop thinkong about it in horror for days afterwards.
so in the end will real shining armor reunite with cadence when she learns the truth?
6726116 For what I have seen in the original the Spell take every thing almost literally and explicitly, I don't think that the instructions allow much in the way of acting beyond what she is told. The only way that she would expend on that is the compulsion of doing. Still, the Idea of harming others is a good one but I believe that the meekness persona would prevent her from acting against others much less harming them.
With this reinterpretation of the sequel of the story has a drastic shift of tone that is more comedic that I fond... interesting that is not bad, but I see the obviousness of the writer of wanting things to go better for pore old Lowly, in which I love to she her suffer as is . Still I hope that it will continue to be interesting to see how the story progresses on ward. Hope to see next chapter soon.
I'll tentatively follow this one, but I really need an answer to this one question to keep my interest. Is this going to be another bad end for the real Shining Armor, or is this going to be a karma-catches-up fic?
6726405
I'll just warn you now. If you are looking for Lowly to suffer... this probably won't be the fic for you. I'm just not that evil. :/
6726477 yeah i guess that so far. still i' looking forward to see more
While not as distasteful as the original it still leaves a sour feeling in my mouth.
Original had the problem where it shit hard on Mr. Armors life and had a "bad" ending and I know you're just going off of that but holy hell moly every character in this story are as dumb as horses, HA.
Can't wait till tomorrow to see the next chapter (Y)
With so many variables and conflicting commands, it will be hard to maintain any control over Pepper unless she got a sort of 'command wipe' to allow non conflicting commands to be given again.
But that would be way too suspicious, so 'Shining' will have to live with the risk until he can find a way to pin the weirder behavior on Evening.
This is the last chance the real Shining has to free himself from this terrible fate, lets hope he manages to make it work.
6727025
Hmm, I'm curious as to how they seem dumb? If you point it out, I may be able to fix the issue.
6727196
Its a hugeee personally opinion but I feel like Cadence should connect how Lowly is switching personality on a whim/order. Not sure if she met any other maids but its kinda hella weird when someone is so quick to take the role of a child even if their ruler ordered them to. Also holy moly Evening has the twitchy when hes near enchantments and its been twitchy since he met the maid and Twilight being the smarty smart she is should connect Lowly + Twitchy quick af.
6727250
Ah I see. Basically my reasoning for Cadance not realizing the issue is because she said it herself in the previous fic. She barely notices the maids anymore. For my story I made the reason because they are so quick to please her, that when they feel they fail to do so, they freak out. Hence why they think Lowly was just upset for spilling wine. Lowly acting like a filly, to Cadance right now feels no different then normal. A maid is very eager to please her princess and is doing this because she ordered it.
It may be in the back of her mind that something is a bit odd, but remember, as far as she's concerned, Shining Armor is right next to her. She has no reason to suspect the persona spell is active.
As for Evening and Twilight not realizing Lowly is the one with the enchantment, that's because it simply doesn't really come up. How many ponies do you think you'd come across with such a spell attached to them? Their first thoughts are to believe some enchanted object might be near by. Evening could think it's the Crystal Heart itself. I actually meant to have a bit of him wondering if the Crystal heart might have magical fluctuations during the day. Perhaps I'll see if I can fit that into the next chapter before I post it tomorrow...
Still reading, but one common mistake. You keep writing 'chores' as 'choirs'. A choir is a musical group.
What an amazing story so far! I don't know who could ever downvote something like this. Anyone who took umbrage with the original should find nothing to hate here!
Solid writing all around, and a super creative solution to Lowly Servant's predicament! I just love how you refer back to all the past orders she's been given. How she tries to rationalize each and every new directive, trying desperately to fit them into the complex web of obedience she's been caught in for so long. Prioritizing some orders above others depending on whether they came from Shining, Cadance, or somepony else, and being forced to disregard those at odds with a higher command... It's no wonder she gets so confused!
I'm genuinely curious where it's going to go from here! The true happy ending would be for the imposter to be ferreted out and the real Shining Armor restored, but will that happen? I'm not so sure. I can also see the story ending with "Peppermint" becoming Evening Storm's child full-time, and him whisking her away from the torment she's endured in the Crystal Empire. That would be a bittersweet ending, though you still kind of have to feel for Cadance in that case, being stuck married to such a monster.
I guess I won't have to wait long to find out. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to reading how this plays! Great job!
6727423
Doh, I'll see if I can fix that.
6727478 Cute sequel concept, by the way. I do hope that karmatic payback is done to that maid, making her into a sex slave. Better yet, a bimbo, so she can't think her way out of her punishment, like how Shining was briefly turned into a high school one in the original fic.
6727478 Oh, and also, major loophole. As a kid, she'll likely want to draw. And she was ordered to not 'tell' the truth. But... she could draw what happened, eh? Like, picture of a maid with a thought bubble of shining, and vice versa. Along with other types of drawings to show what all happened.
6727506
If you interpret the commands the right way...
That could work.
But I don't think it would be enough to convince anyone she's Shining,
Maybe write the claim then write some things only he could possibly know?
6727527 That's possible.^^
6727529
But again, the fake Shining will know most of these things to, because he read the diary.
Though, the fact that she knew these things would at least trigger an investigation. And could lead to Shining's salvation.
We will have to wait and see.
Also, one critique. This part:
...seems misplaced to me. It's good insight into fake Shining Armor's character, but it shoulders its way in right at the climax of the chapter, and it just gets in the way! At this point, we're super anxious to know how the antagonist is going to react to seeing pint-sized Lowly Servant seated at the table. We're hanging off the edge of our seats! ...and then comes a big six paragraph info dump, most of which we already know (or have guessed).
The backstory's great, but this isn't the place for it. I recommend moving this to one of the earlier establishing scenes — perhaps when Shining Armor first sets out to track down Lowly Servant after she runs out on the dinner? Shining already gives a bit of introspection there, I can't help but feel like it would be much more at home in that segment.
6727536
I'll see what I can do. I wasn't that happy with it either, but it's something that had to be included I felt.
6727536
I've gone ahead and moved the text around. I do think it fits better. What do you think?
A Maid to Please fucked me up emotionally. It was so bad that I myself contemplated writing a sequel to quell the raging emotions inside my heart, demanding a good end. My idea was, however, that the extreme emotional and mental shock would break him out of the spell's hold and he would run up to Candence and tell her the whole thing and everything would be set right.
6726044 Thnk you. I feel so much better now that there is a good ending.
BUT SERIOUSLY! HOW THE FUCK DOES CADANCE NOT NOTIC THE SWITCH!? SHE'S A HORRIBLE WIFE!
I had this idea where Chrysalis rehabilitates Shining, but this is good too!
Cadence is a horrible wife...at this point, I hope Shinning will get hooked up with Chryssy.
In many stories...the good guys are always stupid. while certain bad guys make us love them with their decisive actions, charm and personal moral codes.
‘wife’ to just dispel any magic on him at the time just to ease his mind.
Should have turned him back into a mare then.
Starlight Glimmer, "And this is why my world with no masters and servants is a GOOD THING!"
The old Shining just had to be the goody two horseshoes didn’t he? Well, it was just one minor downside all things considered.
All things considered, he won't last long as Cadence's husband given his true nature. Having gone insane with power.
If he could just get her alone for a bit. Oh the fun he could have.
Complete monster. Got it.
I just wonder what happens when a crisis hits and this Shining Armor either panics, or tries to keep face, or otherwise blows his cover. (Or gets himself killed.)
You don’t have to do any of this if you don’t want to.
:-) NIce Job Breaking It Villain.
“Gah! Alright alright! You all win! I’ll be daddy for now!”
If I had been in any of the heroes shoes, I'd wonder what the hell happened to this poor mare that she'd be that eager to accept a complete stranger as a father figure and get some professional help and dismiss her doing her job until she worked out some obviously deeply hurting issues!
Ironically Starlight Glimmer could take over the role of OC here, in particular given how she hates 'haves and have-nots' she'd be even more eager to help get a maid a night off and even more so given her abandonment issues, after seeing how she reacts to being provided a parental figure.
k that's a bit of a contradiction to the original story that i already pointed out in my comment , cadance's hypno thing was supposed to make the victim think and act like they think they're being hypnoed into does , though it's a negligent detail for the story.....
gotta admit that made me laugh....
ok so it's becoming apparent this fic is basically what i used to do in many childhood fantasies i would often have/play out , which is basically a self insert/character take over to act as a more competent/compassionate individual at that moment of time to spare the characters from some suffering/fix some problem which you only know how to do having already seen events play out by being a 4th wall party observer , which is something i even used to think about when going to bed when was younger , but i haven't really done that in a long time , and being aware that that's what im reading right now is pretty weird to me.....
but already that older self of mine sees a mistake your character made that could have done the correction process much sooner , namely how you introduced some horn problem along with the character's magic problem that causes it to passively react to enchantments , and while his is going off like crazy he speaks with someone who he observes as being clearly under some serious mental crisis and he forces the revelation of that cause he's your self insert so he can be that smart , but apparently not smart enough to figure out what the actual problem which i would have been easily able to deduce in that situation that the horn was reacting to the person thus he already knows that they are enchanted and their could only be so many possibilities from there on......
oh wow and you didn't even get twi to figure it out right away? i thought for sure that was coming next i was getting ready to delete this last part....
ok wat , you don't have cadance react to the maid repeating the name she had given shining when this mess started? really? wtf.............
and another thing , when cadance is triggering more enchantments on original shining , shouldn't eve's horn be reacting progressively worse as cadance keeps talking? the other fic had horrible ooc that lead to an very unsatisfying fic , but yours just seems to be ignoring foundations to it's world that you yourself established for no reason......
ok so removing the context of the interaction at the end of the first fic this is acceptable , now the only problem here is why this character would have such a deep distane for shining that they would go out of their way this much to cause shining suffering? ugh.......
.....ok this is puzzling , what is shining referring to in this? i don't get it.....
i can't handle this , the characters are all being so stupid in their approaches in this , why does fake shining think he can even consider doing anything to eve when he can only levitate stuff and it was just explained to him that eve preformed age regression magic BY ACCIDENT?.........
all the meanwhile everyone is completely oblivious to the reality that they're all pretty much directly programming real shining's actions with what they keep telling him to do? ugh.....
and despite all this , i haven't noticed a single inconsistency in your handling of the hypno portion of this , that's beng done exceptionally well , guess it's easy to tell where your priorities lie then :l ......
mmmm now im not sure what to think , having finished now , the situation seems like the fake shining's only course of action to not be found out required being so drastic that he would be found out anyways , and would thus seem like the most self beneficial solution is to come clean and fix things now as prolonging this would only likely make the repercussions for their actions worse
but often in the mind of the psychotic they will stick with their denial of the consequences of their actions for as long as they can , so now the dynamic of the fic is suddenly interesting to me again , ugh......
What you said about Maid to Please, I feel the same way. I read that story, and I wanted to cry for Lowly Servant. I'm going to read this story in the hopes that everything is set right at the end.
Loving this story even though it serves to iincrease my desire to see Cadence die.
And now I'd like very much for it be Twilight who kills her, or serves Cadence alive to changlings or windigos, timberwolves etc.
I swear, it shining isn't returned to his real self and the false one doesn't get his comeuppance, I will be a very frustrated reader.
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Cadance didn't give Shining the name Lowly Servant. She got the name from Noblebroom.
Looking at this again, I can see it from an outsiders view in the student’s perspective. It seems almost like it could turn into a detective story or something, and if we didn’t know what happened to shinning, that would be my first guess. Or maybe I’m watching too much Gotham.
She certainly is a very bitter and selfish mare. I do wonder what her life was like. She doesn't seem to have any connections to her fellow maids.
I don't get though why she's so opposed to upgrading the maid quarters though. She obviously doesn't care but she would also not really oppose it. After all that would be suspicious and wouldn't really gain her anything. That sentence of 'time and bits' is a little weird as I would think she wouldn't really care about that.
I think you should also try and give a little more backstory to Lemon. Maybe she was a noble who fell through the cracks and became nothing. She could have had an admiration for Cadance and hated Shining armor as she saw him as unworthy of her. That would be the reason she likes torturing him so much.
I like the story overall. Though as with the first one I do think the other maids should get more mention. Just what do they think? How are they satisfied with the situation? I would also think there would be some that were sympathetic to Shining. At least 1.
I would think Shining would want to go back to the maid room and cry. After getting his heart broken like that he wouldn't want to deal with a persistent youth who has a short attention span.
It could be. A filly isn't yet sexually active so maybe the spell could still activate but just cause a mild annoyance.
I would think she would recognize just how dangerous this is. With her entire wiring so out of whack and her being the center of attention of all the important ponies things could very easily go wrong. I would think she would have her act like a normal filly all day and try to be as nice and generous as possible. Try hard to make sure the entire thing passes without incident.
I'm surprised she is taking offense at this. I would think the only thing going through her mind would be fear and how to get this out of the way as smoothly as possible. The 3 months had more than proven the status quo was stable but now it's entirely up in the air. Compared to what she has to lose I would think having Shining have a fun day and not getting to treat him like she wants is irrelevant.
I would think the biggest thing would be to renew some of the orders. I still don't get why she still has her mind on sex right now. I would think at the moment ensuring Peppermint becomes Lowly again would be his top priority. If they in any was suspect him for doing anything with Peppermint they'll be outraged and immediately will be asking him uncomfortable questions. The maids are all adults so having sex with them is fine.
Why does Lemon care so much about that? Why does she seem to actively hate Shining Armor so much? Did he do something to her?