“What the hay happened in here?” Spike cried, completely exasperated by the sight before him. Every drawer, chest, and wardrobe had been opened and had their contents spilled out onto the floor. Everything from clothing to toys to books, papers, and quills lay strewn about the bedroom. Even its private bath didn't escape the turmoil – the roll of toilet paper had been unwound and draped over the fixtures, and the towels lay in haphazard piles.
“Oops, I just don't know what went wrong!” Diamond naively replied as she trotted past Spike into her room, shuffling through papers and clothing the whole way. “I was busy trying on different outfits and playing with my toys and before I knew it they were all over the place.”
“Aw, come on – do you really expect me to believe that? You did this on purpose! If you were just 'trying on outfits' and 'playing with toys' then how do you explain all these books and papers – or for that matter – why you apparently TP'd your own bathroom?”
“You mean the roll of tissue in there?” she replied, continuing to feign innocence. “I guess I must have spun it too hard after I finished powdering my nose. My bad!”
“Give me a bucking break, Diamond!” Spike stomped his foot and angrily pointed at the bathroom door. “If you really needed that much toilet paper, then it must really have been some load of manure, which happens to be exactly what I think of your excuse for this whole mess!”
Diamond closed her eyes and sneered at her detractor, “I don't care what you think, dragon. You're supposed to do whatever I say – you even agreed to it – and right now I want you to clean this all up!”
“No! I'm not cleaning up what looks like the result of the biggest tantrum ever. If this were my room, Twilight would make me clean it up myself!”
“Hmph, seems to me then you're not as special as you think! If you're such a big-shot hero, then why do you still have to do menial chores like cleaning? Ponies like me have others clean our messes up for us!” she finished with a pompous grin.
“Do they wipe your backside for you, too? Because from all the toilet paper in the bathroom, it sure seems like you could use some help in that regard!” Spike finished with a smirk.
“Oh – you-you are the rudest, most disgusting creature I've ever met!” Diamond shrieked. “Why don't you just leave and go back to your princess? If you're not going to do your job, you're of no use to us!”
“Let me explain something to you,” he answered sternly. “I don't have time to undo the damage done here by 'Hurricane Diamond.' I have to clean the kitchen. I have to prepare dinner for tonight. I fully intend to do my job, but it doesn't include you at the moment.”
“You don't have a choice. If I want something done, you have to do it – now!”
“Didn't you hear what I just said? I don't have time, and I can't be in two places at once!” he shouted, his arms flailing about in exasperation. “Ugh, this is going nowhere; let's get this settled once and for all. I'll go tell your mom and we'll just see what she has to say about this!”
Diamond took a few more steps and hopped up onto the bed – which was the only part of the bedroom relatively intact – and made herself comfortable, casually crossing her forelegs behind her head. “Go ahead, she'll agree with me. You're supposed to be doing Randolph's job and if he were here, he'd do it without question.”
Spike growled, noticing the smug look on her face. Her words stung – it was totally unfair that he was expected to fix something she had done, something he suspected was done just to spite him! But worst of all was this nagging feeling she might have a point – if he were Randolph, he would suck it up and simply do as he was told. Indeed, the butler himself had advised him to do just that…
No, just – no… Spike concluded – surely he didn't mean something as outrageous as this! Her room was a complete disaster – at the very least Diamond should help with the cleanup, and her mom will be the one to back him up. After all, he's the hero of the Crystal Empire!
“We'll see about that!” Spike shouted. Threads of smoke trailed from both his nostrils as he abruptly turned around and marched right back out the bedroom door. He hurriedly made his way down the stairs and began his search for Mrs. Rich. He checked the kitchen first, but it was just as vacant as when he left it a few minutes ago.
“Mrs. Rich? Are you down here?” he called out for her, his noticeably flustered voice reverberating throughout the spacious mansion. In desperation, he began to search the rooms adjoining the kitchen but nopony was around. He soon remembered she was going to see her husband and the servants off to the train station, so he sprinted back to the front door of the house. It was a big door and the handle was large and heavy, and a little dragon like him had some issues trying to get it to unlatch.
As he was was fiddling with the knob the door suddenly swung open, knocking him back on his tail. Before him stood Spoiled Rich, and both she and Spike looked surprised to see each other there. Her expression, however, soon turned to one of suspicion. “Oh, it's you. What are you doing here? You weren't thinking of leaving now, were you?”
“No, not at all!” Spike's stomach dropped at the accusation, the terrible feeling of being a disappointment to somepony else manifested itself as an uneasy fidget in his claws. “I was just going outside to look for you, Mrs. Rich. I need some help settling an issue with Diamond.”
Spoiled regarded the dragon carefully as she closed the door behind her. “Go on, then.”
“Well… you see, the problem is this: While I was down here talking with you earlier, Diamond went and trashed her bedroom. It's a complete disaster up there! Now she expects me to clean it up for her, and it's totally unfair! Besides that, I'm supposed to be cleaning up the kitchen and then cooking dinner. How am I supposed to do all that if I'm putting her room completely back together again?”
Spoiled looked over the drake for a few moments, and cocked her head slightly before answering. “Spike, my dear. I don't suppose you have any foals – or whatever it is you dragons have – of your own?”
“No,” Spike chuckled uneasily, “that would be silly. I'm too young for that – um, I think…”
“Right. Well, if you did have them, you would understand that part of their upbringing is winning battles. Most battles you win, but sometimes you lose.”
Spike didn't like how she said that last word and could tell what she was going to say next, so he tried arguing his case again. “But, this is ridiculous! How am I supposed to get everything done? Doesn't she need to be taught a lesson that she can't just go and do whatever she wants? I mean, what's to stop her from going ahead and making a mess again the moment I finish cleaning it?”
Spoiled sighed and turned from Spike, reluctant to admit he had a point. “Yes, I do agree with you she could use some guidance; after all, I can't have her reflecting badly on our family. You may inform her if it happens again, she will be grounded from seeing her friend Silver Spoon for a week.”
Having dealt with the matter of her daughter's behavior, she turned and once again looked him straight in the eye. “As for the immediate issue, with all the servants on their way to Canterlot and me totally involved in the planning for tomorrow, I'm afraid you are going to have to take care of it.” She paused momentarily to think of a way to make the logistics work better, and responded with a compromise. “If you want, you can put off the cleanup of the kitchen until after dinner.”
“You mean I'd have to stay late?”
“Of course – I gave you a task earlier and I expect you to do it, even if it means you'll have to stay later than planned.”
“B-but-”
Spoiled then drew closer and looked straight down upon him. “I'd have more sympathy for you, but after you forced me to dine with my servants – well, as I just stated – you win some battles and you lose some,” she asserted with relish. “You seem skilled enough at bargaining to understand how the game is played. Since I intend on living up to my end of our deal for these next few days, I expect you to do the same.”
Spike's features drooped as he sighed, “Maybe this whole thing was a big mistake…”
Upon hearing this, Spoiled feigned a shocked expression. “How can this be? The Great and Honorable Spike actually contemplating the notion of abandoning us the moment the situation gets difficult?” She reached down and lifted the morose drake's chin up to look him in the face. “I'd hate to have to report back to your princess that you shirked your duty after only a few hours! I imagine she would be very disappointed in you…” she trailed off with a wry smile.
That was it for Spike. She had twisted his Crystal Empire moniker from something that made him proud into something that took on the qualities of a terrible epithet – one that mocked him for even thinking about giving up and slinking back to the Princess of Friendship with his tail tucked between his legs – especially after he had promised he'd make her proud. The rooms of the mansion that once seemed so spacious suddenly closed in on him, because if there was one pony in the entire world he did not want to disappoint – it was Twilight.
Spoiled Rich had won and trapped him in a prison of his own fears.
“Now that's settled, I think you had better get started. You have a lot of work to do.”
Spike said nothing as she turned and left, numbed over what had just transpired. He slowly turned toward the stairs and trudged upward, dragging his feet up one step at a time; his arms hanging limp from his sagging frame as he hung his head in defeat.
Soon after, the door to the bedroom quietly opened and the little dragon immediately bent down and began picking up the books, shoving them under his arm. Diamond, still sprawled out on her bed noticed this and shot him a crooked smile.
“See? I told you she would agree with me! What I can't figure out is why you're still here. I thought for sure you'd just give up and go home and then I'd be free of you!”
Spike, looking grim-faced, said nothing and continued with his task, carrying the stack of books he had collected so far and despairingly placed them into a bookshelf nearby.
“What, no snarky comeback?” she asked in astonishment. She stared at him a bit longer and a realization soon hit her, causing her eyes to pop wide open. “I can't believe it – I've actually managed to get you trained just like I did the other servants!”
Spike – clearly irritated, his nostrils flaring with every breath – paused and finally answered, “You didn't train me, I'm just keeping a promise and doing my job.”
Diamond leaped off the bed and circled Spike like a vulture, “Oh, I don't think so, lizard-breath! I can see it in your eyes – the fire is gone! You're not only trained, but you're actually broken!”
Broken? As in broken in? Spike tried to push the thought out of his head. Twilight had once mentioned in her ancient history lessons the practice of 'breaking' wild stallions and mares before being turned into slaves by some of the griffons and dragons that ruled their world before the princesses took power and freed the ponies. But him – a mighty and honorable dragon – broken in like some slavepony?
Yes, Spike, you are indeed a slave, one that earns two gems a day – but a broken down slave, nonetheless…
He sighed. “Whatever. I don't care anymore. Just leave me alone so I can do my job.” Spike listlessly walked away from her, finding himself among a large pile of some of the clothes that had been tossed onto the floor. They were all mismatched, and he realized he had yet another problem. “Where do all these dresses go?” he asked morosely.
Annoyed with his disinterest in her taunts, she answered him brashly, “The gowns go in the wardrobe over there,” she said as she pointed to the one on the wall across from her bed. “The skirts and dresses go in the one there,” she continued, pointing to the wardrobe near the door. “And the pants and socks need to be folded and put in the dressers next to the bed.”
Spike looked at the various bedroom furnishings. They were all left open, and he could see the remaining items that hadn't been removed all matched up with what Diamond had said.
“Make sure you keep the day-wear and nightwear separate from one another in their respective places!”
Spike looked across the room towards the wardrobe meant for the gowns, and sure enough one type of gown was hung on one side and the other type opposite it. The fact that he could tell the difference gave him a brief moment of both fancy and dread – this was likely due to all the time he had spent assisting Rarity in her boutique, but it wasn't exactly something he felt like he should be admitting to being an expert.
But, that wasn't important now. He had the information he needed to put all this stuff away, and the sooner he started, the sooner it would get done. With his instructions clear, he began the task in earnest, starting by sorting each piece of clothing and putting it aside before taking the entire pile and storing them away in their respective places. He tossed all the toys back into their chests and threw away the scattered papers.
He asked Diamond a few more questions about where to put a few of the miscellaneous items, but she barely responded now. She had become bored with teasing him since he was now so 'docile' – her words, not his – and had resigned herself to reading magazines on her bed.
The only time they got into an argument was regarding her bathroom: It had taken a few hours to clean the bedroom, and he had since moved into there so the towels and her toilet roll unfurling 'accident' could be cleaned up as well. Because he hadn't had time to go to the bathroom since last night, his surroundings soon made him realize he really needed to go. So he simply closed the door, pushed a small step stool in front of the toilet, stood up on it, and took care of business – or at least most of it – because he was interrupted midway by a mean filly who heard what was going on.
“Hey! What do you think you're doing? Stop using my bathroom!” came a voice from behind the door.
“Uh, too late! Consider it used.”
With that, the door flung open – kicked in by one filly who stood in the opening directly behind him, billowing angry breaths he could hear from across the room where he stood. “I swear, I'm going to flush y-”
Diamond stopped, confounded by the sight before her. “Standing? Who the hay stands when doing that?” As far as she knew, all ponies sat on commodes. Clearly this dragon really is some kind of freak…
“Diamond, f-for crying out loud!” Spike nervously shouted. “Haven't you ever heard of the term privacy?” Spike paid no attention to her confusion over his stance since he was focused on trying to regain his composure from his current indisposition. He proceeded to cover himself up as best he could, though it was probably unlikely she saw anything because the fixture was against the wall opposite the door and thus his back was to her. Nevertheless, his eyes had shot sideways to glimpse where she was standing to make sure this sudden intrusion didn't get any more embarrassing than it already was.
“This is my house and more importantly – my bathroom.” Diamond replied, paying no heed to his grievance. “The help does not use the owners' bathrooms – ever!”
Spike, red-faced and incredibly angry over this breach of protocol, snapped out of his funk from earlier. The absolute nerve of a filly entering while he was answering nature's call! “Well nopony told me, and I had to go! Where do you want me to do it – out in the yard, like some dog?”
“Of all the disgusting, unprofessional-” Diamond had to hold back a gag reflex. “Ugh. You're supposed to use the one downstairs in the servants' quarters. That's what it's there for – servants!”
“For the last time, I'm your assistant, not your servant!”
“And for the last time, I don't care!” she shouted as she put her hoof down. “What I do care about is you cleaning that soiled commode from top to bottom. I don't want any of your nasty dragon filth anywhere near me!”
“Fine.” What's one more task on a rotten day like today, anyway? Spike pulled the flush chain and hopped down off the step stool as the roar of gurgling water filled the room. “Where's the cleaning brush and cleanser?”
“Ha! Do you really think that's something I would know? Why don't you stop being so dumb and try the cabinet next to the sink?”
Spike opened the cabinet doors and sure enough – alongside some new rolls of toilet paper – was the toilet cleaner and cleaning tool. “Oh. Found it,” he lamented.
“Good. While you're at it, why don't you open the window, too?” she snarled. “The air in here is burning the inside of my nose – it smells like a litter box that hasn't been cleaned in like, forever!”
“Yeah, yeah… I'm on it,” he answered resignedly.
With that, Diamond turned and left the bathroom in a huff as Spike propped open the window and went to work on the toilet – even though it looked perfectly clean to him now having flushed it. It wasn't too long before it and the rest of the bathroom were once again spotless; the tissues hastily disposed of and the towels neatly stacked. With both rooms now restored to their pristine state, Spike could finally get back downstairs. It was already late in the day, and he knew dinner needed to be started.
“Okay, I'm outta here. I have to go and get dinner ready.”
Diamond put her magazine down and hopped off the bed. “Finally.” she complained. “I'm hungry!”
“Uh, hello? Didn't you hear me? It's not going to be ready for a while so have fun waiting!” he replied sarcastically. “Besides, whatever happened to you not wanting to eat anything these claws have handled, hmm?” he asked while raising them and wiggling his digits in front of her.
“I still don't,” she snapped, as she shoved his claws away. “But I can't do anything about that. So I've decided I'm going to keep an eye on you while you make dinner so you can't put something awful in our food!”
“Oh, give me a break!” Spike cried as he facepalmed, his mind reeling at the mere thought of debasing somepony's meal with… Well, some really disgusting things came to mind. “I may not like you very much, but I'd never do anything so crude. Maybe if you didn't make enemies just as fast as Pinkie Pie makes friends, then maybe you wouldn't be so paranoid?”
Diamond laughed. “You're so naive! If there's one thing I've learned, it's that bossing others around is the only way to get things done and gain their respect,” she replied, and then added slyly, “it certainly worked on you…”
Spike didn't respond to her latest taunt. He didn't like the little reminder of being put in his place by her mom – or pretty much doing everything Diamond herself had ordered – and he certainly wasn't going to speak out and possibly divulge any of the reasons he eventually gave in. His mood, buoyed by fixing up the catastrophe that was this bedroom not long ago, again turned bleak.
“I'm heading down. Watch me all you like – I don't care.”
He sighed to himself – the end of this day can't get here soon enough...
Man, they DO realise Spike is (as I see it) the adoptive little brother to Twilight and as close to a son to Celestia, right? The retribution they pay better be worth the wait after this chap.
... Wow. Yeah that is pretty intense. Especially once she starts talking to Spike about how he's been broken by her.
And how Spike reflects on his normal life and can't come up with a good argument against it.
My blood boiled as I was reading Diamond's mistreatment to Spike. Spoiled Rich didn't help much either since she was getting back at him from his dinner proposal earlier.
Diamond better not keep on abusing him.
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7024087 I have some fairly interesting ideas on how Spike will be getting revenge in day 2 of his job as assistant... >=)
You folks brought up a good point about Celestia getting angered over Spike's treatment. I hadn't even considered it because of the way she doesn't react to how he's treated in the show, or how she's hooves-off most of the time when it comes to Blueblood or those other elite ponies who are either snobs or outright bullies. I already had planned one way Celestia is getting involved during the story, I may have to have her step in a little more than I planned.
The thing with Spoiled Rich is she's actually not breaking any rules that would allow Celestia to throw her in a dungeon. She's just an incredibly manipulative pony who finds the weak spots in other ponies (or dragon) and takes advantage of them. (At least that's how I read her character in her one appearance in the show so far.) Of course, turnabout is fair play and I imagine Celestia or Twilight could play the same kind of game.
In the end however, it will be Spike who solves his own problem, one way or another.
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Problem with that is, as he said in this chapter, he was trapped by a cage of his own making. His words were used against him in such a way that he couldn't refuse. Well, he could (much as we want him to), but his insecurities kind of stop him.
Sad place to be in right now, Spike.
6995977 OK, here's comes a long reply to many of your recent comments!
It's odd to me that there are bronies who would react this way (I did see your analysis of that topic in your DA blog) because I also see Spike as representing the insecure and overlooked people in the world, but that makes me do the opposite and just love him all that much more.
Maybe I can soften Twilight's feeling bad about the nachos so it doesn't sound so preachy to you? I still don't feel the same way (especially after heaping on the pain for Spike in the subsequent chapters) but perhaps a softer apology would be a good compromise. After all, no one wants to turn away readers in the first chapter.
I see your point, and yeah, I feel for you and I can't relate to that particular situation. But just as it might be easy for those who can relate to make the connection, for those of us who can't I still feel the show should have given some kind of hint she wasn't truly bad. As for Moondancer, I was fine with her characterization because her episode went out of its way to explain the chain of events that led to her current state-of-mind.
I am a little concerned I have written Diamond too vile which would undermine my original reason for doing this story - to show she has a good side. So I'm constantly fighting with how the story is flowing vs. where I want it to go.
I read it, and I agree with a lot of what you say (aside from my comments above about why some bronies hate Spike). As for "Spike at Your Service", I dislike that episode because Spike is so out-of-character, the "save-a-life, slave-for-life" premise is tired and there are so many other things they could have explored with his character instead of putting him in a cliche plot. In fact, it's arguable the episode did absolutely nothing to answer the many questions as to why he puts up with so much without complaint.
I made sure she mentioned multiple species, because the implication of her only mentioning dragon feet would indeed be racist/specist. I honestly don't know how Spoiled feels about dragons since she's spent so much time in Canterlot where they don't seem to have any around anymore.
Thanks for letting me know. It does read a bit too complicated, and I was worried about that. I'll work on improving it when I get the time. *Adds to the list of changes*
I suspect it's something that is taught in writing classes, which my editor attends a lot of. But I can't be sure.
The removal was actually a suggestion, and I followed it originally because Ch. 2 was a weird situation: I had submitted the unfinished chapter to them and I already knew it was running long, but wasn't ready to cut it short at that point. So when the suggestion to drop a lot of the flying stuff came through, I decided to compromise and just remove that one part during the flight because I figured it would help get it back in line with the length I wanted. As it turned out, I did eventually did have to split the chapter (and it's STILL getting split - I have yet to reach the end of day 1 which is where ch 2 was originally going to end! ) so the idea to drop some of sweeter moments wasn't necessary after all. I'm really glad you like that they are back!
My editor is actually very good, they fix a few places where the text is very clunky and I tend to agree and say, "Oh yeah, that's a MUCH better way to say the same thing!" However, they have been too busy lately so the last 2 chapters are both self-edited for the time being until they are available again, and nothing was cut from ch. 3 after it went through the editor. Ch 1 is also self-edited because it was so short!
I'm starting to read the new chapter soon. I'm excited to find out what she did that caused Spike to be so shocked.
I've gotten several theories what could have happened, but here's what I go with to pin that down here before I read it:
As I already hinted on, I think she ruined her room intentionally so that Spike has to clean up now and a lot more work to do, as revenge for it that he dared to talk back at her. The tears in her eyes are only there because she got whiny when Spike didn't come fast enough for her, cause she's used to get everything she wants immediately.
She abused my Spikey Wikey? I will destroy her!
He did his business standing up - I just don't know what went wrong?
That's alright dear that's how his plumbing works. . .
How would you know?
I have a smaller bathroom dear Twilight
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this was a fun chapter GO SPIKE GO
Called it. Though, while continue to read, I started to think she did it more because she actually (subconsciously) wanted to provoke Spike to more remarks, because she (subconsciously) likes it that someone talks different with her than her mother for once.
But this dissipated quickly when she didn't appear the slightest bit disappointed over it that he didn't gave her any remarks.
+1 for referencing best
background ponyside pony.At least you quoted Derpy, Diamond. But you did it in the worst way possible.....
I have my utmost respect for Spike here. I couldn't deal with this situation. I would be either a nervous wreck af the end of the day and quit or I would lose control at one point and let Diamond feel my hoof in her face and probably get myself thrown out.
Poor Spike..... I know how it is to work for a tyrant who constantly torments you, I feel with him here.
I have some problems with the toilet part, namely with Spike's complaint about privacy.
In a nudist society that doesn't wear any clothes 90% of the time and where everyone can easily see Spike's package while he walks through the street because of that and is fine with it, it's doubtful that watching someone pee is considered a problem.
But this part is really great! I didn't expect some history here!
That ponies were once enslaved by dragons and griffons is an interesting theory. I would like to hear more about that.
Who are those princesses you refer to? I thought about Celestia and Luna first, but then I remembered that they couldn't have been it because they began to rule a lot later, as ponies already lived free (assuming ponies were ever slaves of dragons and griffons once).
But we know from the journal of Celestia and Luna as well as recently (recently for me at least, as I just finally read it) from the first issue of the Fiendship is Magic Series about King Sombra's past that unicorns were princesses in Equestria too once, so I'm interested if you have thought out more backstory for that.
And very intelligent title for the chapter, by the way! Associating "frying pan" with him being annoyed because he has to cook is genius.
I never really understood what bronies mean when they complain about Spikeabuse, Scootabuse, ect.
I know that these terms refer to fics where said ponies/dragon have to go through an incredible amount of hardships and that this makes you feel with them a lot, but pretty much suggesting that such fics shouldn't exist because of that is extreme.
By that logic, you would have to ban all fics that let their characters go through rough times and only allow fluffy fics full of rainbows and sunshine anymore (so, in other words, the opposite what G4 of My Little Pony is and what everyone loathes about the earlier generations).
Or do people really think that such dramatic fics are written by people to hate on certain ponies? I sure hope not, that would be a very paranoid assumption.
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Well, as I wrote there, they feel insecure themselves and Spike is showing them that, so they hate him for it.
Of course, since they don't like it that Spike puts a mirror in front of them, they never adress their own insecurities or admit them in front of themselves, cause that would just lead to it that they allow Spike to press the mirror even more into their faces.
So they come up with all sorts of reasons why his episodes supposedly suck to sleep better and to have a reason for not having to watch them again.
As I wrote in the analyzis too, the fandom would make for a very interesting psychological study because of that. Maybe I should write the guys at the Bronystudy one day, show them the journal and suggest them to examine this via surveys. I'm sure they would be very interested in that.
Nah, the apology is fine. It's really this "spare wagon wheel" comment by him that sounds like that. Believe it or not, this is an actual phrase I saw a lot of bronies using when they complained about it that Twilight and her friends never take Spike to any of their adventures.
Even after the Season 5 Opener I saw a lot of bronies saying things like "At least they gave a reason for him not coming with them this time....."
I'm slowly running out of arguments for this point, so I guess you get what you want.
They could have shown some other moments of her life where it would have looked through a little that she's not the monster she always looked like, but it also would have ruined a classical villain of the show (and the really good, classical "Some people are just assholes" villains are so rare nowadays anyway, so, even though Diamond Tiara was never that type of villain technically, it was still good that it seemed like this for more than four seasons) and a good plot twist that absolutely no one saw coming. Of course, the episode had a much bigger plot twist (even five in one even!), but one more didn't hurt.
You can't please everyone.
That's completely fine, you wrote her exactly the way she always appeared to be before "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" aired.
So far, she didn't do a single thing in this fic that I would put past her. You write her excellently in-character (for her past self).
And for being too vile, as you can read further above, I even suspected for a moment that she had a not-so-evil reason for messing up her bedroom, by actually, subconsciously hoping Spike would give her more snark, because it strangely entertained her in a way she can't explain.
It's fine that you made her seem rascist, that fits to her. We even know she is by the episode, her statement when she called Pip "that transplant from Trottingham" confirmed that. That's fine as it is and makes her more in-character.
Wow, I sure hope not! That would be a nightmare if they officially teach such detrimental stuff today in writing classes!
It's good to hear that the motivation to take it out came actually by yourself, not by your editor, that makes me very relieved.
And I'm also glad that nothing else was taken out.
Wow, you split it three times! It's good that you came up with writing so much more than you originally intended, that's a sign of a good writer!
It would read muss less interesting if the first day would already wrap after one much shorter chapter.
7028243 Hey, a mini-story comment from Hillbe! I finally feel like I've truly joined the ranks among all the other Spike authors!
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I'm glad you noticed the crying part. The reasons for her crying are complicated, and your guess is one of them. Without revealing too much, it's safe to say Diamond has a lot of good reasons to feel both sad and mad... Though none of them involve such outright bad stuff like physical abuse or anything like that.
I'm not quite as sure about that since the show has canonized the notion of closed-door bathrooms. It seems there must be some sense of embarrassment over using the toilet. Whether it's because male genitalia is tucked away and seeing it is not socially acceptable or because it's the actual act itself that they have shame over is unknown. I went with the former and simply subscribed to the notion that Spike keeps his willie hidden when he's out and about. I mean, he's got freakin' pockets built into his scales for storing gems and stuff, so seems like something else could be stowed away too, (And what's up with those pockets, anyway? I chuckle whenever I see him pull gems out of nowhere like that.)
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Actually I was thinking of those two but the time in question for breaking in slaves was well before the events of Hearthswarming Eve, so in this little backstory it was long before the princesses were around and the practice only existed sporadically by the time they were. I guess when I say "wild stallions," I don't literally mean feral horses like we have. Instead I think of really ancient ponies that were a lot more primitive and tribal than they even were in the story of "Hearthswarming," so stallions (and mares too) had to be broken before they would make good slaves to some dragonlord or such.
I must admit I haven't read the Journal of the Two Sisters yet, and I really should. Because of that, I was nervous writing that part because it felt like I was throwing darts blindfolded and could only hope at least some of them landed close to the target.
Thanks again, that's very astute of you! I've been carrying this theme of food/eating on throughout the story since it's mentioned in the title, but there isn't any vore or anything that will happen like that. It's just something fun to do.
I guess I will say I feel like having an apex predator living among his prey is something I kinda hoped they would showcase in the series. Twilight being irrationally nervous in ch. 2 was just my way of touching on that. It's funny, because I saw "Zootopia" this past weekend and I saw the underlying, undisclosed tension between predator and prey in that movie in full view, and couldn't help but think that was the same sort of dynamic I sometimes wonder about with Spike living among a bunch of fuzzy meatbags.
In the sense I used it in my author's notes, I was referring to how Spike gets abused on the show; usually being the butt of some joke or physical gag and nopony seems to care that he's getting hurt. . That's what I see a lot of fans complaining about. Interestingly enough, I put Apple Bloom as #2 on the list of abused characters because it seems like she too is always getting doors slammed in her face or getting hit with things. That's probably not really true; I suspect if I actually cataloged all the events of physical abuse to the main characters, it would be somewhat evenly divided. I guess it's because Spike and the CMC are kids that I tend to notice it more.
Exactly, and that's why I figured it would be OK to give Spike a tough time here since I know he's going to get his time to shine soon.
I wonder now if after all the horrors he likely saw traveling through the various alternate timelines he's gotten over that sentiment , presuming of course he ever really had it.
I keep forgetting she referred to him like that. So not only does she suffer from classism but she also seems to be anti-immigrant as well as maybe racist and specist. Basically anypony she's not interested in or doesn't fall into line with her world view is beneath her.
Or a terrible planner.
7029708 Thank you for writing a such good story
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It's simple Spike. Just tell Twilight that they were treating you like Blueblood treated Rarity. You still save face that way.
I really hope the next chapter is better for Spike than this one. I can't take anymore Spike abuse.
7045598 Thanks for the feedback! As the only person who knows what is going to happen next (mostly, since even for me the story is evolving as I let these characters play out their roles) it's hard to tell if I'm laying into Spike too much. While Diamond is still herself in the next chapter, I think Spike is starting to stand up for himself, but we'll see what you think when I finish it.
I had to stop reading and walked away from this for a moment. When you had Spoiled Rich 'put Spike in his place'. Up until now, you have portrayed Spike as a strong-willed individual who has at least some idea of what was going on; who's spirit wasn't so easily broken. To just comply and 'do what he's told.' Without much conflict, just kind of killed it for me.
Maybe, I'm just looking at this the wrong way. But from how you've portrayed Spike thus far. I was expecting him to tell Spoiled to piss off (or something equally as offensive) and then walk away. Returning the castle and telling Twilight that he tried, but that the family is a lost cause.
Has something else been riding on this, other than 'disappointing Twilight.' Then maybe I wouldn't have spammed the comment section with this message.
Edit: Eh, sorry for the long rant. I'm just not a big fan of 'doormat' characters. Who just do as they're told without much fuss. Or let people just walk all over then. Yeah, I get what were you going wit this. It was just such a sudden an unexpected action that conflicted with everything else this far.
They argue like an old married couple.
This isn't borderline, this is abuse.