In a attempt to avoid time being altered Discord has tossed himself out of the peaceful World of Equestria. Now he is in the far far future of Warhammer 40k, and Chaos no matter what is nothing but adaptable.
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The promise is strong in this one;D
p.im9.eu/adviceanimals-when-the-cute-girl-i-d-been-eyeing-at-the-bar-loudly-toasted-to-vaginas.jpg
This sums up my opinion
Honestly, just from the summary alone I expect Tzeentch to come along and offer/demand that Discord work for him. They are very similar.
Take my like, take my favorite... hell take my first born if it pleases you. Just write moar!
I've been waiting for you to write this.
6362952 It takes time plus I had three other things to do, I'll probably post chapter 2 tomorrow
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
Finaly a Wahrhammer 40k Story is out which has a good start. Keep the good work up.
Neat idea, but this needs an editor. The errors are distracting.
Also, I feel like Discord is just a bit out of character. In his mannerisms and such. In particular, he comes from a much tamer universe and he read the Inquisitors mind so He knows what this one is like. I don't feel like he would just let the Cultists do what the wanted with the loyalists.
On another note, Discord really likes to talk and he was using an awful lot of force here. Not that he doesn't use force but he likes to talk more because it appeals to his ego.
6363137 Its kinda him Adapting to the universe but yeah I need a editor
6362962 Want me to be your editor?
6363181 sure I guess
6363186 Coolio, PM the finished chapter 2 and I will go through and edit spelling mistakes along with grammar.
6363193 thanks man
6363198 No worries.
Heresy is his buisness, and Business is GOOD!
Power through Change!
You have my interest. I'll be following this.
Very interesting premise, and I really like the idea of Inquisitor Discord.
Is that a typo in the chapter title, or a reference I am not understanding?
6364210 no
6364217 That wasn't a yes or no question. That was an either-or question.
6364224 there is no typo sorry.
6364228 What is the extra n in entering a reference to then?
Your story flows like mud, there's too much telling and not enough showing, and the dialog is stilted like that of a 1970's cartoon. Sadly, I've no idea how to go about correcting such issues. You also make numerous grammar and word-choice homophone errors. Discord's characterization seems rather too serious and unplayful.
...What?
As an example of your wordiness,
is entirely unnecessary.
Why not just have him annoyedly demand or demand in annoyance? Do we really need to know this other stuff? Does it add anything to the story?
Also, there should be a question mark with the excalamation point if he is asking a question (Or an interrobang instead, I suppose).
That being said, Discord wreaking shenanigans in 40k sounds amusing. He likely has a higher concentration of power than any 40k character. (While the Big 4 might have far more power overall, it's more diffused throughout the galaxy) I can just imagine a fleet coming in for an exterminatus and their big scary skull and spike gothic designed ships getting turned into wooden sailing ships with barnacles and flowers decorating them.
6364641 I can see that, as for why he more serious he still suffering from the knock back of imteruniversal travel.
Interesting. nice intro.
a quick question at the end of the chapter did he tell the inquisitors to do what they wanted with the cultist or the other way around?
7094413 He knocked the Inquisitor and her cohorts, then left them to the two remaining cultists
It is an interesting Idea and I'll definitely read it, however, may I ask something?
while I do like this story idea so far, can you please get an editor? The writing is poorly paced, it seems that every thing is in fast forward and that kind of writing could confuse readers very easily.
I like the premise. The execution, however, is really off-putting. It's not completely incomprehensible or anything, but...eh...a combination of sub-optimal word choice, sub-optimal phrasing, and occasional punctuation errors adds up to rather annoying.
example of the first:
took in.
Took in, not shocked in.
I'm not a fan of how the inquisitor was left. I was thinking how awesome of a companion she would have been.
CHOCOLATE MILK FOR THE CHAOS GOD COTTON CANDY FOR THE COTTON CANDY THRONE!