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Mega NewWays97
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Mega NewWays97
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The promise is strong in this one;D
p.im9.eu/adviceanimals-when-the-cute-girl-i-d-been-eyeing-at-the-bar-loudly-toasted-to-vaginas.jpg
This sums up my opinion
Honestly, just from the summary alone I expect Tzeentch to come along and offer/demand that Discord work for him. They are very similar.
Take my like, take my favorite... hell take my first born if it pleases you. Just write moar!
I've been waiting for you to write this.
6362952 It takes time plus I had three other things to do, I'll probably post chapter 2 tomorrow
YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!
Finaly a Wahrhammer 40k Story is out which has a good start. Keep the good work up.
Neat idea, but this needs an editor. The errors are distracting.
Also, I feel like Discord is just a bit out of character. In his mannerisms and such. In particular, he comes from a much tamer universe and he read the Inquisitors mind so He knows what this one is like. I don't feel like he would just let the Cultists do what the wanted with the loyalists.
On another note, Discord really likes to talk and he was using an awful lot of force here. Not that he doesn't use force but he likes to talk more because it appeals to his ego.
6363137 Its kinda him Adapting to the universe but yeah I need a editor
6362962 Want me to be your editor?
6363181 sure I guess
6363186 Coolio, PM the finished chapter 2 and I will go through and edit spelling mistakes along with grammar.
6363193 thanks man
6363198 No worries.
Heresy is his buisness, and Business is GOOD!
Power through Change!
You have my interest. I'll be following this.
Very interesting premise, and I really like the idea of Inquisitor Discord.
Is that a typo in the chapter title, or a reference I am not understanding?
6364210 no
6364217 That wasn't a yes or no question. That was an either-or question.
6364224 there is no typo sorry.
6364228 What is the extra n in entering a reference to then?
Your story flows like mud, there's too much telling and not enough showing, and the dialog is stilted like that of a 1970's cartoon. Sadly, I've no idea how to go about correcting such issues. You also make numerous grammar and word-choice homophone errors. Discord's characterization seems rather too serious and unplayful.
...What?
As an example of your wordiness,
is entirely unnecessary.
Why not just have him annoyedly demand or demand in annoyance? Do we really need to know this other stuff? Does it add anything to the story?
Also, there should be a question mark with the excalamation point if he is asking a question (Or an interrobang instead, I suppose).
That being said, Discord wreaking shenanigans in 40k sounds amusing. He likely has a higher concentration of power than any 40k character. (While the Big 4 might have far more power overall, it's more diffused throughout the galaxy) I can just imagine a fleet coming in for an exterminatus and their big scary skull and spike gothic designed ships getting turned into wooden sailing ships with barnacles and flowers decorating them.
6364641 I can see that, as for why he more serious he still suffering from the knock back of imteruniversal travel.
Nice meeting. Good to learn how Discord compares to the Chaos Gods. He doesn't share their weaknesses, and while his strength is weaker then their full power, he is more localized where as they can't bring their full power to bear on him alone. All together Discord is better, but not by a large scale.
6364641
Are ya ready kids?
Aye aye captain!
I can't hear yoooou!
I wonder what Discord will really do with his power - currently he is just making enemies.
Okay, good idea. Not a fan of 40k but always a fan of Discord showing off his stuff. BUT you need an editor. Badly. For instance:
There should be some punctuation after 'shifted'. A comma, or a new sentence, something.
Believe, not belief. For that matter, it's not strictly a rule but it's common form that a person's thoughts are in italics with no apostrophes like this and that any telepathy is 'in italics with apostrophes like this'.
Again, some punctuation after 'warp'. These are just the first three errors I caught, there are quite a few more that makes this quite annoying to read.
6372388 Well I'm going to see If I can get one I'll update the chapters once I do
Another good chapter. I assume that new Primarch is Sombra. It'll be fun to see him meet Discord as he obviously will if Discord keeps up his Inquisitor routine.
The knowledge of what he was had finally set into Umbra. The God-Emperor of Mankind his father the Great Crusade and the Horus Heresy. “So then are there anymore Primarchs out there? Where is my Space Marines?” He asked. The information was a lot to take in.
“We don’t know, most of them are either, dead or turn Traitor, as it stands you are currently the only Primarch that is well…” The Priest wanted to Finish but Umbra stood up.
“Very well then gentlemen I now know what I must do, I will inform the planet of my origins and it will rejoin the Imperium of man as for me I have been missing way too long and it’s time I do my duty in the name of my father, The God-Emperor of Mankind!” The Primarch decreed.
If I was a Primarch, I would not have believed that unless I saw the Emperor himself, alive and well. How else did the other Primarchs fully believe the Emperor? If they were that easy to convince, the other Primarchs, including Holy Sanguinius, praised be his name, would all have fallen to chaos. I just felt like pointing that out
(After finishing the chapter) Damn it Sombrero! HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!
6372917
6372428
Yes it is Sombra, more to the point the Primarch found the horn and unknowingly let Sombra into his mind, as you can guess Sombra Destroyed the Primarch Mind/Soul and replaced it with himself.
6372978
I would think that that was impossible. If it was, then the same would have happened to the other Primarchs. The only ones who did, to my knowledge, was that Abomination Fulgrim, and this was done willingly by the host. The Primarchs have gene engineered protection against this sort of thing. Then again, that mostly accounts to the Denizens of the Warp, and Sombrero (I will persist in calling him that) isn't really one of those guys. So, it could be possible.....
I'll have to look into this. If magic is truly a peice of the Warp, then that means that it's actually impossible to do such a thing. You would need the Full Might of a Chaos God to do so.
If not, well, your idea could be entirely possible.
6373008 in chapter one Discord pointed out the warp isn't Magic (well his kinda anyway psionic energy of the warp is magical in the setting). In the second Chapter AN at the bottom I let it known he doesn't need the warp as his magic is not tired to it. Same can be said for any being from his reality.
6373076 true, true.
But, it should still be beyond Sombrero's power to do anything even slightly close to that. It took the FUCKING EMPEROR to kill Horus's soul. A soul of a Primarch is hard to kill. Perhaps, he merely erased his memories and personality, and replaced it with his own, thus making a 'copy' of Sombrero's soul. A much more believable feat for mr. Smokey
6373112 Perhaps... However to be fair I'm using the comics for help. Sombra isn't a unicorn he is something called a Umbrun which is actually a monster born of hate and dark magic... As for how it wasn't immediately, it was gradual. Sombra slowly eroded away the Primarch while replacing him with himself... It's more believable right?
6373112 there is also two other entities who go caught up as well. If you want to help I can PM you what I had planned for them
6373139
Due to that, there's a chance that Sombrero missed a spot. There could still be a small portion of the Primarchs soul still inside. Unless it's the Emperor, or the dark gods, it should be impossible to fully remove a soul from its body. The soul is what binds a lifeforms presence to both the Material and Immeterial realms in the same location. Surely the soul is impossible to fully remove, lest the presence in both realms becomes seperate and...... oh, now that's clever.
I've got it. He didn't delete the Primarchs soul. Well, technically, he did, but I mean his presence in the Material realm was removed. His 'Soul', the Immaterial presence, would still be there, but seperated.
6373161
Well, perhapz. I will consider it. However, as of right now, I have my own stories to write, and also I do love suprises. These are my reasons to considering it.
6373178 Why yes, Sombra removed the remnant of the soul and tossed it into the warp perhaps. This will show up?
6373193 k then just want some feed back personally on them
more plz
6464280 I'll have the next chapter out soon just need to figure out which way to go
This is getting interesting
I wonder what the Chapter Doctrines for his marines would be. Thinking something along the lines of Imperial Fists or Iron Hands, and maybe Geomancy as a psychic discipline - improving cover save, generating difficult terrain, turning difficult terrain into dangerous and ever more dangerous terrain...
6485655 Oh did you get the whole who really in control right?
6485944 The Primarch is a Sombie, I know - but what keeps Sombra from trying to adapt his knowledge of crystals into a new psychic discpline. Another one of their powers could be improvised repairs i.e. a 5+ Rites of Omnissah for 1 warp charge - with better odds if they invest more charges.
The chaos gods are actually quite a bit older, numbering in the tens of millions of years old.
6997496 I know I'm using probably old information but I can't find anything use on it so I'm using it. I'm basing there ages around when they said they appear with a bit of timey wimy from the warp thrown in.
Discord could always go for the big time and replace the Emperor. Just say the Golden Throne finally worked and he was reborn...