A young Pegasus of Cloudsdale has an interesting life. One with many consequences and triumphs.
Chapters (1)
RainbowShy24
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Instant thought is that the paragraphs are too long. Not impossibly long, but the longer ones should really be about 1/3 that length. will read later
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Oh boy. Where to start?
*puts on hat that says "Official TWE Nitpicker"* That's better. Let's find somewhere to begin.
How about the beginning, for a change?
First off, question: Do you know what a 'Mary Sue' is?
Spitfire comes to see some random colt being born. Is there a significance behind Thunder Wing's birth? What made Spitfire come to see him in the first place? Details such as these would be a great addition so your readers can fully comprehend the situation at-hoof.
First day, flies well, instantly on Wonderbolts. Do you know NOTHING of the Wonderbolts? They haven't added RD, THE ONLY PEGASUS WHO CAN DO A SONIC RAINBOOM, of all ponies thus far. Sure, it's nice to have your character taken into the Wonderbolts, but please flesh it out a bit and give him some training time. Don't just throw Thunder Wing into the Wonderbolts because you think it's cool.
[ANGRY MODE]
What the heck?! A Two-year old Pegasus with a wingpower of 7+?? Can that even legitimately happen??
[/angry mode]
So. 'Eternal Blossom.' Thunder Wing meets her. They look at each other for all of twelve seconds, then BAM. Special relationship. Really, now? Nothing emotional, just sudden induction into a relationship? Is that what you're going to pull? I'm sorry, but I simply do not think that's going to work. Please, expand on that and make there be some sort of ACTUAL CONNECTION instead of sudden events. (See also, earlier in the story, sudden Wonderbolt.)
Constantly training with RD, BFs with Fluttershy, Pinkie and RD, yadda yadda, adventuring with the CMC, book club with Twilight, okay screw it.
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I don't mean to rain on your parade yes I do but this has gotten out of hoof! Too much interaction and instant events and sudden joining-in of the main cast. TOO MUCH!
Helping out at Sweet Apple Acres, sudden two earnings of cutie ma-
[ANGER MODE]
THAT'S IT, I'M OUT!
I'M DONE!
I CAN'T TAKE IT!
OLLIE OUTIE!
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/HyperRandomness, Official TWE Nitpicker.
i dont like this
>slice of life
>romance
*inhales deeply...*
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I smell a self insert, here!
Mmkay, as first impressions go... UUUUUUUAAAAGH. Ok, now that that's out of my system, I can start reviewing this... thing. Ponycreator image with clashing, horrifyingly uncomplimentary colour scheme and no background? Ew. And then there's the description itself...
... wow. Sounds interesting
. I mean, could you make this sound any more generic? I initially read this description with Eeyore's voice, and it fit perfectly, by the way. Boring, and it doesn't describe the story so much as implies that there is a story to be read, as opposed to a meaningless jumble of words. All it says is 'I wrote a story about a pegasus'. That's it. *Snore*... 
Bwuh? Story? Oh, that means it must be time to read chapter one... joy. Lookit mummy, a random colt just got born! Better shoehorn him into the WUNDABAULTS! That's what every fashionable Stu does these days, right? As 1354956 said, why in the nine hells does Spitfire visit this guy? Is he the second coming of pony Jesus, so Spitfire finally got to use her special 'deity finding' talent and get her cutie mark? Not explained. This fic is very rushed, in fact. It reads like a synopsis, and is really... *snore*...
Aah! Stop it with the poking! I'm awake already! So he's a strong colt, improbably so, and gets introduced to Rainbow Dash at... what, six months old? How does RD take being upstaged by a foetus? Well, if she were in character, probably not very well. GOOD THING SHE ISNT, BEEATCHES! So, not content with shoehorning our heroic breastfeeder into the Wonderbolts, you decided to crowbar it into the main cast, with all the subtlety of a hambeast wearing skinny jeans three sizes too small. Interlude detailing exploits with main caste... Twilight's book club... *snore*...
The icecubes! Damnit, get them off me! *sigh* well, it's time to look at the romance aspect of this fic. And by romance, I mean hypnotic face lasers!
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Yup, that's love folks! Now, I get what you were trying to do here, but this trope is something of a dead horse these days. Something to do with the decline of idealised romance and all that. Feels kinda cheap, like 'instant relationship, just add butter and hypno beams', because the relationship just kinda gets beamed into their heads without any kind of work on their part. It feels cheap, because they haven't struggled or overcome any kind of obstacle to get where they are. Nope, just *fwick* and suddenly loving relationship. It has to do with how rushed this fic is. You could write several chapters on the first paragraph alone, yet you summarised the action and told us what happened, rather than showing us as it happens from the perspective of a character, like Spitfire. The romance is an aspect that needs chapters devoted to it, and shouldn't be instantaneous like it is here.
More summaries of events, detailing vaguely OOC canon characters and OCs I don't care about...
... *SNORE*...
~Lord Sunder, TWE's Lurking Madman
It was my first fanfic.
no need to be haters
1377496 Doesn't matter if it's your first fic. Bad writing is bad writing, terrible OC's are terrible OC's.
If you want someone to read your fic and care that it's your first one and only give you nice comments because of that, show it to your mom or something.
Don't worry, your first story is always rough.