Creation of a Mediaverse

by SFyr

Part V

The group of four sat around a table. Mugs of tea sat in front of the first three, Viridian instead sipping the pungent brown nectar of sleep’s bane. Between them was a mess of newspaper and open notebooks. Scribblings adorned the latter in volume, while the former had Pixel's face printed on the very front page. The sentence “Pixel Wavelength crowned Princess of the Internet by Princess Celestia” was prominently featured, with the question “what does this new technology mean for Equestria?” further down in small print. Next to it was an ad for spray on bandwidth.

"So, it's actually happening." Nova commented. "And here we are, students of the princess who made it happen."

“I’m still surprised we’re up to five princesses, personally,” Viridian said with a smirk.

"I hear the first picture sent over the web was a photocopy of a stallion's flank." Buffy said, hiding a chuckle behind her hoof.

"It's true, actually." Nova added. "Though, I'm just glad we've found a more... interesting use, beyond Pixel and Protocol's massive database project. Not that I fault them for using the internet as a way to teach others. I hear they're already a quarter the way through uploading the Canterlot library to a dedicated server bank, in fact."

"Speaking of projects, how are yours going?" Viridian asked. “Microbit Inc. are really backing development of this, and between Nova and myself, we’re already helping them allow for digitizing more complex media and distributing it.”

"It’s going great!” Buffy cheered. “I already got a dedicated chat room set up for the campus, and over 50 new users just this month!" Buffy said excitedly. "I'm hoping to create something... bigger though, and keep spreading to other parts of Equestria! I have a pen pal in Manehattan, and they’re already getting a group together over there."

"As for me, I've been able to share my personal compositions with several promising students beyond campus," Viola commented with a slight smile. "It really has allowed us to share and discuss our work so much easier."

"Oh hey, Viridian and I were going to go to the Olive Branch for dinner tonight. Shall we count you two in?"

Buffy shook her head, her cheeks reddening slightly. "Viola and I already made plans tonight."

Viola hummed softly, a smile on her lips as she took another sip of tea.

"Oh, well, some other time then." Viridian called. "Same time tomorrow?"

“Of course!”

Comments

[Taialin]

Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted to this contest.

Dang. I know I remember seeing you somewhere. I don't post often back over in MLPF (unless it's in the RP sections), and I remember that I saw you in a thread relating to crossovers. Now, I'm wondering why I haven't seen you before on Fimfiction! 'Cause given the skill you display in this story, I find it hard to believe that this is your first.

Lemme start with your description and general storytelling ability: it's remarkable. I think you've mastered the skill of writing natural dialogue, evocative description, and engaging plot events. And really, aside from a smattering of grammatical issues that only the fastidious editors would notice (and speaking from first-hand experience, that skill is not necessarily a boon), your technical ability is also very good. I think there's the making of a great author right here.

I also love how engaging you described the events in the story. It's all too easy to "tell" events in a detached way when you've already planned them out beforehand, rather than "show" them more engagingly. But I think you've really mastered this skill. I really couldn't identify any instances where you "told" events to the point that they made themselves conspicuous, and that's something I can't say with even my own stories. I think you nailed it!

The criticisms I can give you are comparatively minor to the things you did right, really, but I'll express them anyways. The end of Part II foreshadows the future Buffy will find, but it does so in an "in your face" sort of way. For something that's supposed to be a hint for future events, I feel it's too overt. The end of Part IV is also a little weird. So, Pixel gets some wings, but nothing more on that matter is stated afterwards?

The end of Part III annoys me as well, especially the part about Buffy's sisters. Apparently, she has a bit of sibling envy, and she feels inadequate compared to them . . . but there's no hint nor hide of this in earlier chapters. It feels abrupt and not very well integrated into the story. This is what I would call a "plot element," and it's a really cheap way to inject additional emotion into a story or find your way out of a corner. I would think that Buffy's own insecurities about her future are enough to make such a scene work, given that hints to this facet are given in previous chapters, provided you explain it sufficiently. You don't need to spawn some sisters to get that emotion.

Finally—and this is perhaps the biggest problem I see—Buffy sort of loses significance as the story proceeds, and it feels unfocused as a result. I understand that the title doesn't favor the development of any character over any other, but given that you've put Buffy into the protagonist position, and she has the most to say in the story (story and character-wise), I figure that she would get a bit more development than the others.

"On top of all that, why not just use it to make new friends?”

Yet, when it comes time for Buffy to finally find her way in the world, we get . . . one line. No elaboration on her inner thoughts, no victorious realization that she has her place in her circle of friends. We get a short suggestion that's immediately accepted a few paragraphs later. After everything we've learned about Buffy in the past, this feels like an anticlimax.

Other than those minor issues though, fantastic job! I thoroughly enjoyed watching the birth of Poniverse unfold over these five chapters. Good luck in the contest, SFyr!

[SFyr]

6328478

First off, thank you so much for the long evaluation! It's always just an amazing feeling to get such solid feedback--especially for someone who still feels pretty new to writing. Also, I think it's really awesome of you to go around and give feedback on the other contest entries. I wish you luck with your own entry, and hope you do well with Viola's division.

And to respond to all the great feedback, positive and constructive:

I've written a few other stories, but I didn't want to be one of those people to like, only post the first chapter or three then bail, so I've held myself to at least getting several done before submitting. Sadly most of said stories wound up being only a few chapters long before I lost motivation to continue--though I'm hoping to pick each one back up when I find my stride with writing. This is just my first like, short, finished story. It means a lot though that you think I have potential! ♪

As for the events, I try my best to show rather than tell, as I've heard that advice floating around pretty often, haha. I can't say I always succeed, but I try my best.

Pixel's wings and ascension I could've handled better, which I admit. I kinda wanted her to be nonchalant about it as if it made no difference at all in who she was, but like I said, even with that in mind I probably could've handled it much better. Shows my inexperience I think, haha.

Buffy... yeah. There was meant to be a connection with how big she is on making friends, being happy/loud, and feeling a bit overshadowed at home by virtue of not knowing her path, but being surrounded by others that do. Another thing I dropped the ball on portraying better I think. Also, I didn't realize the story drifted so much out of focusing on her, but now that I think about it... you're totally right. It really does. I think I ended up focusing a little harder on how the group met/grew together than on the character I was trying to write for. Hopefully my next story will have a bit better focus, haha.

Anyways, again, thank you so much for the time you spent going over my story. Your evaluation really does help me reflect on it and think out what areas I need to improve on in the future.

[Batbrony]

Hello there, SFyr, my, my, my, quite the fic you got here! First of all, just wanted to thank you on behalf of Poniverse for taking the time to write and submit this to our contest, we all on the staff appreciate it very much. Second of all, I commend you very much on your handling of this fic, it was very well-paced and organized given how many characters were involved in such a short fic. I particularly liked your characterization of Buffy, Viridian, and Nova, but everyone seemed rather spot on. I didn't even have a problem with the rushed treatment of Pixel's alicorn-ascension, makes room for another fic explaining it that could still be in canon with this one.

My two biggest complaints are rather minor. First, I will say that you could stand to add spaces between your new paragraphs. It's just more aesthetically pleasing to the eye and helps the reader go through a story easier. Secondly, the very ending was just a tad sudden, and there were some things in it just a little confusing. It felt like it ended as though it were a middle chapter, not a last one, but more confusing was the bit at the very end about Viola and Buffy eating in. Until then it had seemed like you were setting Viola up for getting with Nova. Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind that they didn't get together in this fic, that would've seemed rushed, but her bashful behavior around him suggested quite heavily that she was interested. Then for some strange reason Buffy blushed when she said she and Viola were eating in that night in the last chapter; now, obviously blushing doesn't just imply romantic feelings, but I wasn't sure what else it could imply here, and it seemed oddly out of place. If that's not what you were trying to convey, personally I'd just take it out entirely; it's a confusing display of body language that might throw readers off.

But as I said, those were my two biggest complaints. All-in-all this was a very solid fic that handled all of the mascots (with the exception of Wordplay, but that's totally fine) very well, and it definitely stands a shot at becoming canon after this contest. Thank you again so much for writing it, and have a favorite and follow for your trouble! Let me know if you have any more questions for me.

[SFyr]

6354224
I'm honestly just happy I managed to finish this whole bit. Thanks so much for hosting the contest; hopefully there will be more down the line that provoke me into actually getting a little bit of practice at what I want to make a hobby out of later on, and perhaps become good at in the same vein too. Also, thanks for the feedback and critique. It's really appreciated and helps give me a bit more material to go over and review a bit. Even the two evaluations I've had so far have been quite enlightening in their own right, haha.

Anyways. Not gonna make excuses for my dropping the ball on some aspects of the story. I had a good bit of subtle details planned, but after looking back and hearing what people got out of it, it looks like I could've done better to portray many aspects of the story. Too many things I didn't handle as well as I could have, so hopefully next time I'm more on point.
I originally planned for Viola to crush slightly on the ever popular Nova after first meeting him, but later grow closer to Buffy during the semester instead. Might've had a very important hiccup with the progression of time.

[Batbrony]

6355136
No problem, and again, don't worry, you're few hiccups were very, very minor compared to what I normally encounter in fics. I should've mentioned that your grammar, spelling, and sentence structure were spot on themselves, totally clean, it was literally just the spacing that I had a problem with. As for the Viola bit, that's not so much your fault as simply a matter of the length of the fic itself; it occurred to me that what you said was supposed to happen was a possibility for sure, but it still stands that for the average reader that would be just a little too little as is to necessarily catch that.

The good news is that, if this gets accepted into Poniverse canon, it may be necessitous even to do some revisions. We want as many of these entries as possible to be able to get accepted, but for some of them (especially the ones that utilize more of the characters) that may require a little tweaking, which isn't a bad thing. I myself would definitely work with authors for that, but we'll worry about that only if it's necessary for this fic. As I said, this was a thoroughly enjoyable read; it's just my job as a critic to look more for and point out what didn't work than what did, at least at first glance. When my biggest complaints concern a handful of sections, that's a fantastic thing!

[SFyr]

6355177
Well, thanks so much again. As I said, I really appreciate your feedback on this little fic of mine~ And yeah, I can see what you mean with Viola's bit. Hopefully I'll be able to better flesh out things like that in the future so they're clearer.

I'm excited to see the results of the contest honestly; even if my story doesn't become canon, it'll be great seeing what does!

Thanks again!

[professorsawyer]

Oh my god I need to read this!

I plan to download this and read it in my free time. 'Dis gun be good.

How long do you plan to make this?