Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series

by Shadowmane PX-41

Chapter 3: An Eye for A Card Game

Author's Note:

You know, there's a reason why this fanfic exists. It's because no-one else in the fandom was willing to get off their asses and do it themselves...

Twilight stood at the rooftop of Canterlot High School, looking down upon the rest of the city. It was sunset, meaning that the street lamps were coming on, cars were turning on their headlights, and she could make out lights being turned on in the windows around her.

Despite how tranquil the world looked, a spark burned inside of Twilight. She would never forget the humiliation she suffered at the hands of Steven Magnet and his game, and now she wanted nothing more than to find him and defeat him at his own game, just to settle the score.

"You know that the world's gone to complete hell when people start cheating at Duel Ponies," Twilight said to herself. "But what's even worse is that I – the main character of the fanfic – was defeated by a homosexual sea-serpent man who happens to be the biggest cheater this side of Yosemite...

Suddenly, a gust of wind forced a paper to fly directly into Twilight's face. She stumbled back and fell on her bottom. After she landed, she pulled the paper off of her face and looked at what it was.

"Hmm... Steven Magnet is hosting a Duel Ponies tournament on a secluded island on the Bermuda Triangle," Twilight said as she examined the poster of the tournament very thoroughly. "It says that he also sent out parcels with gauntlets and two golden stars to each person who he thought would be a good contestant, making this the most private and most exclusive tournament yet..." Twilight nodded her head and grunted. "And the winner gets to challenge Mr. Magnet himself in a one-on-one duel for the title of Prince or Princess of Card Games? Well, I'm already the princess of something, but hey, nothing's better than being the princess of one thing than being the princess of two or more things...

"Alright, I'm all set for the tournament. Now how do I get down from here...?" Twilight looked down on the ground. "Well, if Sunset Shimmer could do it in that extra music video, then I can do it as well..." She leapt from the rooftop and fell two stories down into a bush. When she did, she screamed and fell over, tightly grasping onto her leg. "Oh god! My leg! The leg I use to get around this place!"

---

"So you seriously screamed and cried about falling into that rose bush and getting thorns stuck in your leg?" Rainbow Dash asked as she and the rest of Twilight's friends plucked rose thorns out of her. "What a wimp..."

"Hey! It's not my fault that that fing rose bush was there!" Twilight shouted, then winced in pain as another thorn came out of her.

"Anyways, you're lucky to have survived that fall, Twilight." Pinkie Pie said to cheer Twilight up.

"I am?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah. I mean, if you died off pretty quickly, the people who favourited this fanfic wouldn't have appreciated that in the slightest," Pinkie smiled. "Not to mention it would have taken the writer days and days on end to find a suitable replacement..."

"Anyways, ah brought your mail, Twilight," Applejack handed Twilight a second VCR tape. "And Mr. Magnet's giving these out to everyone? Doesn't he realize that people who don't own tape players no more are pretty much non-eligible? Why don't he just upgrade ta fancy DVD or Blu-Ray?"

"Because Steven Magnet is an outdated character who's gay as f and only just came back into interest with that big wedding recently," Twilight explained. "Which would explain why he keeps handing out these pieces of rectangular plastic instead of simplistic CDs..."

"Well, maybe this'll give us the rules for how to get into his island in the Bermuda Triangle so that you can get your revenge..." Rainbow Dash said as Twilight put the video into the TV and hit the play button.

The girls watched the box for a minute, then two more. Nothing happened. There was no colour, no noise, it was completely black.

"Did we get trolled?" Twilight asked as she looked at the black screen for another two seconds.

"Silly Twilight, the tape's at the end, not the beginning." Pinkie Pie giggled and snorted.

"Oh, then in that case, we simply have to turn it back to the start and see what kind of sick game Magnet wants to play with me this time..." Twilight looked at the VCR box and tilted her head. "Uh... How do you get this thing to reverse?"

"And this is why DVD and Blu-Ray exists..." Rainbow Dash sighed as she put a hand on her chin.

---

"Yeah! It's time to board the ship to the Steven Magnet's Duellist Island, everyone!" A man with short blonde hair and massive biceps stood on the observation deck of a ship, looking out on all of the contestant. "Remember, if your hair is bizarre and multi-coloured, you get access to the first-class lounge!"

"Sorry Pinkie Pie, Sorry Applejack," Twilight said. "Your hair seems perfectly average to me..."

"You know what this means, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said as she wrapped an arm around Twilight's shoulders.

"VIP SLEEPOVER!" The two girls both cheered together and laughed in merriment afterwards.

"Ya know, it ain't fair that both Twilight and Rainbow Dash are part of this tournament, but we're only seen as the lower-class type here..." Applejack crossed her arms as she watched both Twilight and Rainbow Dash gaily skipping onto the boat.

"And besides, we'd be good Duel Ponies players too. Right?" Pinkie asked.

"Let's just get on the ship anyways." Applejack made a plan.

"How come?" Pinkie wondered.

"Because ah'm tired of bein' seen as the worst pony/human in the writer's eyes. It's time ah did somethin' so crazy, he'd hafta show some appreciation for me..." Applejack scowled as she ran over to the side of the ship and pulled out a lasso from her pocket. "Now once we get on the boat, we're gonna have to hide."

"Why would we hide ourselves?" Pinkie had her turn to speak.

"Because everypony in thi—"

"Everypony?" Pinkie tilted a head. "I think you mean everybody, Applejack..."

"Whatever. But anyways, everyone on this ship will be wearing those Power Glove look-alikes with the stars on the wrists," Applejack explained. "We'll just hide ourselves and act as spectators for Twilight and Rainbow Dash when we arrive at the island..."

A loud foghorn engulfed the docks, causing Pinkie Pie and Applejack to shake with how loud the volume was.

"Oh, cp! We've gotta do this now!" Applejack lassoed onto a part of the observation deck and began to walk up the side of the ship. Pinkie Pie followed closely behind, and they got on board just as the ship left the docks and the security had gone to check on the duellists. "There. Ah lassoed onto the ship and snuck on board with Pinkie Pie. How do ya like me now, writer?!"

"Who are you talking to?" Pinkie Pie asked.

---

"What are you doing, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked as she picked up some of the food from the buffet in the grand hall.

"Just scoping out the competition," Twilight responded. "Let's see. We've got those pansies from Crystal Prep who rely solely on Unity Monsters... some Mirror Pools and Widespread Ruin cards should fix them up real good. Then there are the dorks from that tournament in the last chapter..."

"Sup?" A punk-like female appeared at the buffet table and put two chicken legs on her plate. Her hair was white, but she had distinctive pink patches around her eyes, almost like she had face-painted herself for an anarchist gang. "Name's Gilda. But you can refer to me as the new Princess of Card Games."

"Well then, another feisty one, I see," Twilight smiled at Gilda. "May the best man – or woman – win, I guess..."

"You're on, Twilight. But I'll save your crushing for when we get to Magnet's island," Gilda said as she walked off. "Good luck... You're gonna need it when you face my Griffon Ladies..."

---

"Wait, is that Cadence?" Pinkie Pie looked at the deck and saw Cadence hold onto the barrier and look out at the widespread ocean. "How did an unimportant character like her make it onto this boat? And even then, as a duellist?"

"Something's off about her," Applejack looked at how blankly Cadence stared outwards. "Ah would go and talk ta her, but we're still tryin' ta hide from the rest of the duellists on this boat. We'll be thrown into the sea if we get caught, remember?"

"Hey! Who are you two?!" A security guard had found Applejack and Pinkie Pie.

"Busted!" The two of them both said as they ran for their lives.

---

"You know, Snips, it's impressive that a brain-dead stooge like you managed to make it to the finals of the regional championship and win," Twilight said, feigning a smile as she did so. "You must be happy that you won... And, uh... let's have a nice, clean tournament?"

"Oh yeah," Snips snickered like he usually did. "But speaking of fair, your Faustia which you used to be Trixie just got banned in every country around the world."

"What? I don't remember that coming into play..." Twilight was stunned.

"So, you totally don't mind if I throw these cards off of the side of the ship? You know, just so you won't get in trouble for holding banned cards?" Snips asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure," Twilight handed the five pieces of Faustia to Snips, who immediately smirked evilly.

"And here I thought I was a brain-dead moron," Snips snickered again. "Faustia isn't really banned, it's just forbidden. And now that you gave me all five cards, I'm gonna keep my promise." With one mighty throw, Snips threw all five of the cards into the sea.

"Dammit! Why did I fall for such an under-handed, classic, oldest-trick-in-the-book thing like that?!" Twilight shouted in a frustrated tone.

"Don't worry, Twilight, I'll rescue Faustia for you!" Rainbow Dash jumped off of the side of the ship and began to fight against the ocean waves to grab the pieces of Faustia. "Must. Risk. Life. For Twilight's cards!"

After Rainbow Dash was swallowed up by one of the waves, Twilight leapt in to rescue Rainbow Dash and the other pieces of Faustia. Twilight gained the fifth and final piece, then swam down underneath the water. She grabbed onto Rainbow Dash and pulled her to the water's surface, where the both of them could breathe again.

"Hey!" Someone called from the deck above and tossed a lasso at both Twilight and Rainbow Dash. It was Applejack and Pinkie Pie, who were both holding onto the rope so that they could pull the two girls up. "What're you two tryin' ta do? Get some swimming practice or something?"

Twilight and Rainbow Dash put the pieces of Faustia back together, put them into Twilight's pocket, and then grabbed onto the end of the rope. They were then pulled slowly but surely out of the water and up to the main deck.

---

"Wow, Rainbow Dash. You risked your life to save Faustia," Twilight thanked Rainbow Dash. "You really are a true, true friend after all..."

"But we saved yer life, Twilight!" Applejack threw her arms out. "Surely, you've gotta thank us as well..."

"Well, Faustia is more valuable than life itself..." Twilight said as she looked at the five pieces of her most powerful card combination. "These five cards will guarantee you victory every single time, so long as no-one has hand destruction cards or anything like that..."

"You're saying that some stupid five-card combo is more valuable than your own life?" Pinkie Pie spoke up.

"Well, yeah, basically..." Twilight said.

"So, Twilight. You ready to take down Steven Magnet and get your own back?" Rainbow Dash asked as the four of them could now see the island in all of it's splendour.

"You bet I am," Twilight said as she fist-pumped. "Nobody fs with the Princess of Card Games and gets away with it," her voice seemed so determined to win. "You hear that, Steven Magnet?! I'm coming for you! And there isn't anything you can do that'll stop me!"

"But wait a sec. Why are you in this tournament, Rainbow Dash?" Applejack asked after Twilight had calmed down.

"Oh, well, I'm trying my best to get into whatever this world calls the Wonderbolts," Rainbow Dash said as she put her hands behind her head. "But the price to audition is a million dollars in this world. And since the tournament'll pay out three millions, I'm thinking of getting Night Glider in as well."

"What about the other million?" Twilight asked.

"I'd invest it to promote this fanfic and get the other members of the fandom to read it, leave as many comments as possible, and share it with all of their friends and followers..." Rainbow Dash smiled.

"What?" Applejack asked.

"Nothing." Rainbow Dash sighed.

"Well, we've all made our morals quite clear," Twilight said as they approached the island. "But one thing's for sure. Steven Magnet's going to pay for what he did to me. Both literally and figuratively..."

"So, it's on?" Rainbow asked with a smirk on her face.

"Like Donkey Kong..." Twilight smiled and gave Rainbow Dash a handshake.

---

Meanwhile, a private jet with star and wizard decals flew towards Duellist Island. The jets were quite powerful, but the noise had been suppressed.

The pilot of the jet was Trixie Lulamoon, who looked at the island with fury in her eyes. The anger in her eyes meant that she wanted payback for what Twilight had done to her, even if she had to tear through every other duellist to get to her.

"Twilight..." She spoke to herself. "You won't get away with humiliating me. I swear on my life, I will hunt you down, defeat you back, and maybe even kill you out of sheer spite. That'll teach you to mess with Trixie Fing Lulamoon!"

"Trixie? Are there any peanuts on this flight?" Fuchsia asked from one of the rear seats.

"Shut up, Fuchsia." Trixie blankly responded.

Comments

[MrB]

6166459 will "screw the rules, I have money" be in this

[Shadowmane PX-41]

6171741 Read the first chapter.

[steastritz]

Ah...and thus begins the "Shut up, X" meme...let it come to fruition.