Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series

by Shadowmane PX-41

Chapter 12: Crystals...

Author's Note:

Did you know that the word 'Cleavage' also means the split in a gemstone, rock, or anything else for that matter?

No?

Then apparently, You Don't Know Jack 2015 isn't the game for you...

Rainbow Dash ran through a plane of darkness, with a peaceful song in the distance catching up with her. She screamed as it got louder, and prayed for a light to appear at the end of the nightmare she was running through.

"God, if you get me through this, I swear I'll give all of my winnings to Night Glider..." Rainbow Dash put her hands together and prayed, whilst running away from the noise which was increasing in volume. "O-o-Okay! I'll even sell my motorcycle, get rid of all of my tomboy stuff, and become the girliest, kid-friendly character in the whole fanfic!"

Eventually, Rainbow Dash crashed into a giant with a skirt and a star hairclip. She fell onto her bottom and skittered away from the giant, who struck her heart with fear.

"T-Trixie...?" Rainbow Dash saw that the giant was looking at her with a vengeful glare.

"I've seen some wimps in my time, but a wimp who's scared of children's cartoon flowers?!" Trixie mocked. "How pathetic. If anything, you should just go crawl back into the crib which you somehow climbed out of..."

Within seconds, Rainbow Dash's clothes were replaced by an enlargened diaper, a pink bonnet, and a pacifier around her neck.

"N-No! I'm not a baby!" Rainbow Dash denied.

"Doesn't look that way to me, Rainbow Dingus," Trixie smiled viciously as she prepared to throw Rainbow Dash away. "Now how's about you go back to your nuresery!" then she threw into the darkness, hearing her scream as she flew.

---

"AAAAGGGHHHHH!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she woke up in her camp sleeping bag. She caught her breath with heavy gasps and saw Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack getting up from their beds.

"Good morning, Rainbow Dash..." Twilight yawned and rubbed her eyes as she crawled over to the tent's flap and opened it, letting the sunshine stream in. "Let me guess... another night terror?"

"Uhh... No!" Rainbow Dash pouted as she crossed her arms. "I was just... uhh... practising!"

"Practicin'? Fer what?" Applejack asked as she put her hat on and twisted it to her favourite position.

"Yeah. How does screaming count as practice, Dashie?" Pinkie Pie smiled, oblivious to Rainbow Dash's torment.

"It's... for this Screamo band that Night Glider, Flash Sentry, and Normal Norman are inviting me to after this tournament's over," Rainbow Dash sighed in relief as she got out of the tent. "Anyways, let's not dwell on that. We've got another day of the Duel Ponies tournament today, and I still need to earn the other Star Chips..."

I think Rainbow Dash had another night terror... Yami Twilight spoke as Twilight climbed out of the tent after Rainbow Dash.

"Well, at least she wasn't screaming Barney the Dinosaur this time..." Twilight said with relief. "Though, I think we're gonna need some therapy for her once this is over..."

Twilight, do you even know how much therapy costs? Yami Twilight asked as she raised an eyebrow.

"Nope." said Twilight.

Exactly... Yami Twilight responded with her arms crossed.

---

*Your mind can make up the intro now*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

---

"So, how many references has Friendship is Magic made so far, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked as the group approached a cave with a cliff-side waterfall.

"Oh, let's see. There's been a number of Indiana Jones lawsuits, the lawsuit against This Day Aria courtesy of The Little Mermaid, the lawsuits from Bioshock Infinite, Futurama..." Twilight then listed off every single reference she could think off. "...and most recently, Barney the Dinosaur with the latest episode..."

"Jeez... With all those lawsuits to go through, Hasbro might have lost the one thing that holds their conspiracy plot together..." Rainbow Dash put a finger to her head and thought about the angry companies who would go against Hasbro.

"Oh, they're Hasbro. They're so evil, they'll come up with a counter-claim for all the references and jokes they've made..." Twilight reassured Rainbow Dash.

---

"Listen, everyone. I've got the perfect way to defeat these lawsuits." M. A. Larson from the Big Five said to the rest of the board.

"Yeah? What is it?" Jayson Thiessen asked.

"We simply write apology letters to each and every argument, saying that we were drunk and that we needed to put a random reference in at a random point in each of the episode we offended," Larson explained with a few twists of his hand. "That way, we'll be free of the trouble in no time..."

---

"Or they're totally screwed over more than Cinemaquestria." Twilight quipped.

Little did Twilight know that three figures were watching the group from the nearby cliff edge. One of them was grey with black hair, another one was blue and had canine appearances, and the other one was a smaller one with floppy cheeks.

"Crystals! (She's right. Hasbro's going to die!)" the black one said.

"WIth all those lawsuits, Hasbro should be hiding their bones where the mutts from their arguments can't find them." said the big blue one.

"Look at that! It's Twilight Sparkle!" the third and final one of the group spoke as it pointed towards Twilight and held his tongue out like a dog. "Sombra! Fido! Do you know what this means?"

"Crystals? (Sexy bes for us all?)" Sombra guessed.

"A mountain of meat for us to cook?" Fido asked.

"No, you idiots! It means that Bandit Rover will pay us extra if we can eliminate her from the tournament!" said the one with the floppy cheeks. "Let's hide behind the mountain and slink away like the stealthiest ninjas in the world!"

"Crystals!" Sombra grunted in agreement as the three of them vanished.

---

"So... Twilight Sparkle is her name?" Bandit Rover asked as he looked down at the photograph of the opponent he had his eyes on. "And she has all the Star Chips already?"

"Yes, Rover. She is the one we must strike down so that you can have a rematch with Mr. Magnet for shaming you in front of the eyes of hundreds of thousands of Duel Ponies enthusiasts!" said the small one.

"Excellent work, Spot, Fido, and Sombra," Rover tossed two bones and one large gemstone to his three minions. "When we take Twilight down, not only will we become the main characters, but we'll also have money, powerful and rare cards, and the chance to overthrow Mr. Magnet and drive him into poverty!"

"Crystals Crystals Crystals... (I can just see him lining up in the soup kitchen whilst wearing rags right now...)" Sombra envisioned.

---

"Twilight, I gotta go pee over by the convenient freshwater pond right over there," Rainbow Dash said as she walked over to the area, pulled down her skirt, squatted over the water, and began to pee. "I love being a total dk to the environment..."

---

"Tell me something, Sombra," Bandit Rover began talking as they wandered deeper and deeper underground via a mining elevator. "Have you ever seen what a Diamond Dog diamond mine looks like in the Equestria Girls world?"

"Crystals. (No.)" Sombra gruffly responded.

"Well, it's just like any regular diamond mine, but the workers here are all so into keeping dogs as pets that they've become half-dog themselves," Rover explained. "It's pretty fed up if you ask me...

"Now since we're underground, I'm going to become that obvious traitor from Resident Evil 1," Rover put on a pair of black shades as he and Sombra arrived at the bottom floor of the mine, where a Duel Ponies arena laid. "Oh, and spoiler alert, I'm gonna betray you."

"Crystals?! (What?!)" Sombra looked stunned.

"I mean that guy from Resident Evil is gonna betray you," Rover made Sombra forget his suspicions. "But come on. He wears sunglasses. Indoors. At night. 100% Confirmed dag..."

"Hey, boss!" Fido called out as from the highest part of the cave, then slid down the side with Spot and an unconscious Rainbow Dash. "We found this weird rainbow-hair girl hanging out with Twilight Sparkle. Do you want us to use her as a bargaining chip to get to Twilight?"

"No, but we will take all of her Star Chips to get me closer to the finals," Rover smirked as he instructed Fido and Spot to carry Rainbow Dash onto the blue podium. "That way, when Twilight Sparkle realizes that one of her friends is missing, she'll cry like a baby and run all the way home, making me the main character of the show for getting rid of her from the game!"

As Rover laughed evilly, Rainbow Dash grunted and groaned as she woke up and realized she was on a Duel Ponies podium. "Wh-where the hell am I?"

"Crystals!" (You're dead, punk!)" Sombra yelled as the arena activated with his deck on the podium. "Crystals Crystals! (So hand over your deck and Star Chips!)"

"Oh no! It's another brain-dead stooge!" Rainbow Dash stumbled backwards, hitting the metal bar of the podium as she did so.

---

"The last I saw Rainbow Dash, she took a pee in that nearby pond, then probably used leaves to clean up after herself," Twilight said, investigating the place where Rainbow Dash had been stolen away. "If she wanted something to wipe her ass with, she could have just borrowed the signed toilet roll I keep with me for just such an occasion..."

"Why do you even keep a toilet roll with your name on it in the first place?" Pinkie Pie asked. "And here I thought I was random..."

"Please, Pinkie Pie, this is something far beyond yourself," Twilight said as she caressed the toilet roll and brought it closer to her cheek. "This is between me, and the two-ply..."

---

"Crystals Crystals! (Now I activate the broken version of Call of the Haunted!)" Sombra said as he activated a trap, causing all of his destroyed monsters to rise from the grave. "Crystals Crystals Crystals! (Now, all of my slaves return, but as Zombie-Type monsters!)"

"Thank god every Yu-Gi-Oh! series after GX fixed that issue..." Rainbow Dash said as she stared down all of the zombies she had just defeated.

"You're about to lose, dork! Sombra has never lost after playing Call of the Haunted," Rover gloated. "You might as well give up those Star Chips and run right now..."

"No way. With each broken rule, there's also a broken solution as well," Rainbow Dash showed confidence. "It's how games like this always work during the pre-alpha build..."

---

"By the way, is this going to be one of those caves where we think we're totally safe from harm, but then all of a sudden we activate some random booby trap and start running for our lives?" Cadence asked, failing to realize she had activated a secret switch by pushing a part of the cave in.

"Cadence, remind me to murder your sweet and goofy side when we get back to CHS when this is over..." Twilight face-palmed as a rumbling could be heard from the entrance.

All of a sudden, rocks began falling from behind the group, causing the entrance to become completely destroyed and unaccessible. Screaming, everyone ran into the cave as fast as they could.

"Why does this show make no feasible sense?!" Applejack asked as she narrowly evaded a falling stalactite

"It's because the writer has a serious drinking problem!" Twilight screamed as they approached the diamond mining pit where Rainbow Dash was duelling.

---

Rainbow Dash and Sombra could hear the falling rocks from the arena, followed by the screams of Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Cadence. A cave exploded out of nowhere, launching the four girls into the mine and down the slopes until they reached the floor.

"Oww... I haven't felt that much pain since I watched the Twilight saga on repeat for 24 hours..." Twilight said as she rubbed the back of her head.

"Twilight! I'm so glad you're here!" Rainbow Dash said with glee. "With your support, I can beat the last brain-dead stooge on the island and give us some actual competition for the finals!"

"How did she get into the mines?!" Rover demanded as he banged his fist against the stone he was sitting on.

"Don't look at me, grotesque dog-human hybrid," Twilight pointed a finger to Cadence. "Blame Ditzy Doo the 2nd here for our entry into your private diamond mine underneath the island..."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Rover returned his attention to the duel. "Sombra's overpowered and broken zombies are about to destroy your pathetic friend and have her give up all of her Star Chips. So I advise you say your last goodbyes to this loser before she loses..."

"The only one saying goodbye here is you, you... ugly..." Twilight was having trouble coming up with an insult.

"I'm waiting..." Rover put a hand on his chin and drummed it with his fingers.

"Trust me, it's easier to make up insults when Yami's in control of my body..." Twilight explained.

"Anyway. I think it's time we put this dog down!" Rainbow Dash joked as she played her card. "Go! Deus Ex Machina card! Flip the Attack and Defence Points of every monster on the field. Giving my monster a power boost whilst leaving Sombra's monsters with zero points to threaten me with!"

"CRYSTALS! (NO!)" Sombra screamed.

"Now, Little Mac from Punch Out! Finish off Sombra and win me some more Star Chips!" Rainbow Dash announced, having a small boxer in green shorts and boxing gloves punch one of Sombra's zombies so hard that it collapsed entirely on the spot.

"Crystals... (I knew I should have auditioned for Strawberry Shortcake...)" Sombra said dejectedly as his points hit zero.

"Nice win, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said as Rainbow Dash took the Star Chips from Sombra's wrist and put them in her own gauntlet. "You beat a moron who can only say the word 'crystals', and you're one step closer to getting into the finals with me. Surely, you're growing up fast..."

"Yeah," Pinkie Pie agreed. "By the next season, she'll be able to stand up to one of the three Equestrian God Cards which I'm not going to spoil because the writer likes to keep the audience on their toes..."

"Crystals...? (What...?)" Sombra asked as he tilted his head.

"Oh, and I've heard Sombra's going to die in that season..." Pinkie Pie chirped.

"Crystals! Crystals! (That's it! I'm out!)" Sombra stormed off in a huff.

---

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[God... why won't Season 1 end?!]

[Oh well, might as well play some Jackbox to relax myself...]