Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series

by Shadowmane PX-41

Chapter 9: Killing With Cosplays

Author's Note:

This episode was translated from Spanish, but I'll make the translations easy for you. Everything that appears in bold text was originally spanish.

Previously, on Po-Ni-Oh...

"All of a sudden, this bush moves on it's own!" said Pinkie Pie as she gasped, seeing Cadence make her entrance.

"Why, it is only our friend who goes by the name of Cadence," Twilight explained. "She is a magical princess who is secretly an evil monster underneath."

"Shall we play a game together, my friends from the school we go to?" Cadence asked as she sat down at the stump.

"Yes, it will be very fun to throw down our cards and wage warfare with our monsters." Twilight sat down on the other side of the tree stump.

"Foolish fools! I am not Cadence, but rather, her sexier, darker alter ego, Queen Chrysalis!" The fires sprung up, enrapturing everyone in flame and revealing Chrysalis.

"What a completely horrific and totally unexpected turn of events we are suffering!" Twilight gasped as she and all of her friends collapsed.

"All your deck are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction!" Chrysalis grinned as she touched Twilight's deck, awakening the winged version of Twilight as she did so.

"What you say?" Said Twilight as she stood back up stare down her opponent.

"You have no chance to survive, make your time. Ha ha ha," Chrysalis and Twilight locked gazes with each other as they put their decks down on the mats and prepared for their duel. "But first, everyone must watch these twelve commercials."

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*You may sing as you envision the intro*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

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"You don't know it at first, Twilight Sparkle, but you shall be a part of my warpath to world destruction," Chrysalis smirked as she had visions of what would happen. "There are seven sexy items to possess. The Crown of Magic, the Pendants of Fury and Order, the Shaman's Key, Steven Magnet's Left Eye of Darkness, the vaguely mentioned Golden Scales, and the Changeling Insignia which I am wearing now. When I acquire all seven of these items, not only will I become the sexiest character in the whole show, but I will also be able to destroy the world..."

"Oh yeah? And how will you do that, I ask?" Twilight responded.

"It's simple really. The world will all become too jealous because I wear the power of Twilight Sparkle, Zecora, myself, Adagio Dazzle and Aria Blaze, Steven Magnet, and some other random character," Chrysalis explained with a smile. "They will start fighting and rioting over the fact that I am simply too sexy, therefore destroying themselves with their own hatred. It will be glorious!"

"So, how does that destroy the world?" Twilight tilted her head and raised a brow. "Sounds to me like you're just committing extinction rather than the complete destruction of our world..."

"Shut up! I will still have caused a lot of death and destruction in doing so!" Chrysalis shouted as she banged her fist on the side of the stump.

"But it still won't be the same," Twilight pulled out a little whiteboard on wheels and began writing on it. "You see, destroying the world means doing something to cause the core of the planet to erupt, therefore causing the pieces of the world to fly off in a massive explosion which would kill all living creatures on it," She had visual representations of Chrysalis's plot next to the diagram of the world being destroyed. "What you're doing is causing everyone to fight and kill each other just because you wear our stuff. That's extinction, not destroying the world..."

"Fine then, Mrs. Smarty Princess," Chrysalis scowled. "I'm going to kill everyone with my swag. Are you happy now?"

"Yes. Now let's get on with this duel," Twilight said as she threw the whiteboard into the forest and threw her first card onto the mat. "I summon the Famed Cowgirl, which is ironically just Applejack in even more racist-to-cowpeople clothing than her Equestria Girls model...

"By the gods! It really is Applejack!" Twilight hadn't paid attention, but Applejack was indeed wearing the clothing of her favourite monster.

"What the..." Applejack came to life and looked at her clothes., then looked up at both Twilight and Chrysalis. "Whoa! Uh... Twilight? Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me," Twilight said down to Applejack. "And it seems that Chrysalis has thrown us into a deadly Tartarus Game. One where you and most likely the rest of my friends have been transformed into our favourite monsters. Either that, or she's somehow managed to turn you into a Pegasister cosplaying as Applejack."

"Go forth, my Changeling Drone! Destroy Applejack and make the writer cheer in glory!" Chrysalis commanded her monster to bite Applejack clean in half, hearing her scream before she was erased in a bright flash of red light.

"Alright, Chrysalis. I'll give you that one," Twilight smiled. "But only because her death allowed me to summon this monster from my hand!" She threw down a second monster. "I summon, Rainbow Paladin! AKA Rainbow Dash in a badass suit of armour."

"What the?! Are we in some weird cosplay competition?" Rainbow Dash was stunned to see herself wearing her favourite monster's armour. "Because if we are, I'm totally gonna win this thing and donate the money to Night Glider's motorcycle workshop..."

"Not yet, Rainbow Dash. But this will give you some inspiration to get working on your actual cosplay," Twilight threw down a second card. "And you won't be doing it alone. I play Monster Reborn to resurrect Applejack and make the writer groan in disgust!"

"Is this really happening?" Applejack asked as she looked up at Chrysalis. Compared to both Twilight and her opponent, Applejack felt like an ant. "And by the way, why does this seem very familiar to Star Wars?"

"Now that you mention it, it does seem similar to Dejarik Chess..." Rainbow Dash gasped.

"And next up, I'm going to make my actual Normal Summon this turn and summon myself to the field!" Twilight said as she held up the Dark Starswirl card.

"But, you're not a Duel Ponies Spirit! How is that possible?!" Chrysalis stumbled backwards as the card appeared on the field.

"It isn't," Twilight smirked. "Because cosplaying as Dark Starswirl today is, drumroll please..." A sudden drumroll appeared out of nowhere. "My younger, less sexier self, Twilight Sparkle!" The drumroll stopped when Twilight appeared in a dark purple version of her Starswirl costume for Nightmare Night.

"Holy cp! I look like a horrific combination of Gandalf and the Dark Magician all at once!" Twilight said, looking at her costume and the staff she was now holding.

"It won't do you any good, you fools. For soon, I shall take the spotlight and become the most popular character in Po-Ni-Oh!" Chrysalis cackled. "And when I do, I shall have the Changelings replace everyone else and make the show far more interesting..."

"You mean, cut out all of the jokes and try to give us a story that makes some feasible sense?" Yami Twilight asked.

"Yes. That is exactly what I plan to do," Chrysalis responded. "And I shall have my wish when I murder all of your pathetic friends, proving that I am the greater character!"

"And finally, I put one more monster face down in Defence Mode," Twilight said, putting Pinkie Pie down on the field. "Pinkie Pie's Cake Curator. Which will probably be as useless as that one parasprite I never draw or use."

"Look at my card, girls! I'm a teenage mutant ninja!" Pinkie Pie giggled. Then, she began to sing, "Teenage Mutant Ninja Ponies, heroes wearing cosplays, pony power!"

"If we'll get things back on track, I play my Mare-Eater Bug in face-down Defence Mode," Chrysalis smirked as she put the card down on her mat. "Now one of your friends has to die in order to get to my Life Points."

"Only an idiot would do something that crazy," Rainbow Dash scoffed. Then, she shouted, "I nominate Applejack!"

"Oh, just go on and save us, Rainbow Dash," Applejack face-palmed. "After all, you're supposed to be the Joey Wheeler of this fanfiction..."

"Well, it's true that we're both as equally as awesome as each other. So why not?" Rainbow Dash charged at the face-down card and swung her sword when it sprung up. "LEEERROOOOOOYYYYY JENKINS!"

In a bright burst of light, both Chrysalis's monster and Rainbow Dash were destroyed, causing the glass remnants to fly everywhere.

"Just give up now, Twilight Sparkle," Chrysalis taunted as she looked at her hand, then back up at Yami Twilight. "When I defeat you and your miserable friends, you'll all just have to sit back as the Changelings roam free across the barren wastelands of this fanfiction. Then, we will infest the show once again, proving that you can't keep a dead bug-queen-lady down!"

"You have as much chance of getting back on Friendship is Magic than you have of winning this duel, you oversized cockroach!" Yami Twilight shouted vigorously. "And besides, who's really going to care if your bugs get back on the air?"

[Everyone who saw the new episode today, apparently...]

"If we lose this duel, that means I might never get back into reading 50 Shades of Hay..." Pinkie sobbed a small tear, causing it to make the sudden water beneath her feet ripple.

"Good work, Pinkie Pie! Your tear caused your special ability to activate!" Regular Twilight said as she patted Pinkie Pie on the back. "I guess crying really does solve your problems..."

"Yes. And now because she cried a very vague tear, it allows me to bring back a spell card I used before," Twilight said as she picked up Monster Reborn. "And if you know this artwork, then you can pretty much guess what it is..."

"You wanna what, mate? Come on! I'll tear your fing nuts off!" Rainbow Dash taunted a spectre with a scythe before she was suddenly pulled back into the duel. "1v1 me, you scrub!"

"How many bloody times do I have to kill you and your miserable excuses for friends?!" Chrysalis shouted as she glared at all of Twilight's monsters.

"Apparently, we're immortal, according to this fanfic..." Twilight and Yami Twilight said together, then looked at each other.

"Well, you won't be for long..." Chrysalis smiled. "I place one card face-down and let you take the reins, my little princess..."

"Fine then, Chrysalis. Now go, my friends!" Yami Twilight declared, getting all four of her ponies ready for a fight. "Everyone! Believe in the Magic of Friendship and impale Chrysalis over and over again until she falls down and cries!"

During the attack, only one was landed. The rest of the blows were deflected by an unknown force, causing Twilight some damage of her own.

"Not so fast, Twilight," Chrysalis smiled as she revealed her face-down card. "You walked right into my favourite card. Or should I say... Cadence's favourite card..."

"Oh no! It's the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing card! One that provides absolutely no strategic advantage unless her monster had 2600 or more Defence Points!" Twilight said aloud, but read the card text in her mind.

"Now, I summon my Changeling Pupa due to this card's power," Chrysalis announced. "And when this card is successfully summoned by a trap, I don't take any damage whatsoever..."

"That's some OP bullst right there..." Yami Twilight said, stumbling back herself.

"And since it's my turn now, I summon my Changeling Queen. Which, ironically, is just a ponified version of myself," Chrysalis said as her Equestrian double took to the field. "Now, Twilight, my plan is complete! I will single-handedly kill the Spirits of Harmony, win control of this fanfiction, and replace everyone with my own personal drones!"

"So wait, now instead of killing everyone, you're going to convert them all into Changelings?" Yami Twilight reached into the bushes to pull out the whiteboard on wheels. "Do I need to bring back the whiteboard again?"

"Now, attack!" Chrysalis threw her hand out towards Applejack. "Murder that impudent and offensive cowgirl with Carapace Crush Stomp!"

"Oh, fk! Not again!" Applejack said as she was crushed underneath the feet of the giant insect version of Chrysalis.

"How does it feel, knowing that you're about to lose everything you hold dear?" Chrysalis taunted Twilight again.

"I feel like I'm going to whip you real good with this powerful once-in-a-lifetime card that only the obscure duellists use these days!" Twilight declared as she threw down a magic card. "Reveal! Change of Heart! Forcing Queen Chrysalis onto our side of the field, and magically turning her into Princess Cadence!"

"NO!" Chrysalis shouted as her monster flew over to Twilight's side of the field, magically transforming herself into a pony version of Cadence. "You took the best MLP villain and turned her into a child-friendly pink princess of love! You have issues, girl. Serious issues..."

"Now then. Twilight, would you do the honours?" Yami Twilight asked Regular Twilight.

"Sure thing, Yami!" Twilight flew into the air and twirled her staff around like a cheerleading baton. "SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME MINI MIND CRUSH WHICH SOMEHOW WORKS ON BIG DUELLISTS, GO!"

Chrysalis screamed as her mind was mentally destroyed by Twilight's attack, dropping her Life Points to zero. She eventually stopped, but her jaw hung open and she fell down to the floor unconscious.

"Well, I guess that settles that..." Yami Twilight said as everything returned to normal in a big burst of white light.

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"So, Twilight, how did I duel?" Cadence asked as she stood back up in Chrysalis's place.

"Umm..." Twilight feigned interest and thought of what to say to Cadence. "You duelled... pretty well, I have to say."

"Well, that was an adventure and a half, wasn't it, Applejack?" Pinkie Pie asked as she sat back up at breakneck speed.

"Sure was, Pinkie Pie..." Applejack rubbed the back of her head when she returned to reality. "Though, ah can't help but feel like there were so many more opportunities that we could have had to attack in that game..."

"Well, whatever. We won against Chrysalis, that's all that matters," Rainbow Dash said as she quickly got up to her feet and picked up her deck. "Now we can get back to our current quest: Defeating Steven Magnet at his own game and earning the title of Princess of Card Games."

"HELP! MY GRIFFONS AND MY CLEAVAGE ARE IN DANGER!" Gilda screamed from a nearby forest. "SOMEONE SAVE ME! I PROMISE I'LL DO ANYTHING!"

"Well, it looks like we've got our next duel, everyone!" Twilight said as she scrambled to her feet and ran towards the forest with Cadence following the group. "Come on! Let's see where Shadowmane takes us next time!"

"But first, let's stop and do a really dramatic picture of us running towards the next duel!" Pinkie Pie held out a camera and put it on a tree branch. She put on a timer and said, "Alright now, everybody run towards the camera!"

Everyone ran, causing the picture to be taken as they did so, creating a still image of the five girls running to save Gilda from whatever had captured her and was holding her hostage.

"Nice job, everyone!" Pinkie Pie said. "This'll really build up suspense for the next chapter!"

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PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Duel Ponies Cosplays. Chrysalis is now taking commissions of $50 dollars for each! See your favourite Equestria Girls characters cosplaying as their favourite Duel Ponies cards!]