Po-Ni-Oh! The Abridged Series

by Shadowmane PX-41

Chapter 14: She Had It Coming...

Author's Note:

Be prepared for something shocking...

No, Applejack's not going to have a good moment if that's what you were guessing...

"At last! The sunlight!" Rainbow Dash climbed out of the underground by pushing a cellar door open as hard as she could. The doors flew off and smashed into pieces against the trees, letting the light stream into the cave. "After two duels in the darkness, I'm surprised that it's still the afternoon..."

"You'd think that with how long a duel lasts in Duel Ponies that it'd be just getting to the sunset by now..." Twilight looked at the sky, seeing that it was still blue, and that the sun was still high up.

"By the way, Cadence, why do you still have that Changeling Insignia?" Pinkie Pie asked, revealing a tattoo on the back of Cadence's neck. It looked like the silhouette of one of Chrysalis's Changeling Monsters from the Tartarus Game that Yami Twilight played.

"Oh, this? It's just a birthmark, nothing to worry about..." Cadence acted innocent, but a malevolent green flicker stirred in the pupils of her eyes when she turned away from Twilight's friends.

"Kind of a pretty important birthmark if it's supposedly one of the seven items of the apocalypse," Twilight quipped. "Aside from my crown, Magnet's left eye, Zecora's stuff, Adagio and Aria's pendants, and some random guy's scales, won't people be dying to burn off your flesh and violently cut a hole in that area just to get the item to add to their collection?"

"Oh..." Cadence then realized how much trouble she was in. She grabbed Twilight by the neck and said, "Twilight, get me fifty bucks! I need this birthmark burned out of existence now!"

---

*I can't animate stuff. It's funny really...*

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

---

"So, Pinkie Pie, I have to ask," said Twilight as the group approached the stairs of Steven Magnet's castle once again. "Why do we still know each other?"

"Oh, we're up to that episode?" Pinkie Pie felt shocked. "But that's the one where I have no personality than being the damsel in distress who gets mugged by an unnamed bully..."

"Listen, I'm not going against the script here, but I am telling you that if you don't recap the story, I'm gonna take my deck and stuff it so far down your throat that you'll be coughing up blood instead of confetti..." Twilight threatened.

"Oh fine then..." Pinkie Pie huffed and crossed her arms.

---

Before me and you met, I was a waitress at the local Nando's, Pinkie Pie narrated. It wasn't really much of a job, to be honest. All I was doing was going around and flashing my breasts as people who were already eating chicken, therefore making them feel bad about themselves by comparison...

"Hello! Welcome to Kentucky Fried Nando's Mc Pizza Hut!" Pinkie Pie said with a smile as the doors swung open. "Find yourself a table and get comfy hots—" Pinkie Pie twitched when she realized that it was Twilight and Rainbow Dash. Oh st it's those toddlers from school! If I don't do something about this, they'll fill our customers with bullst beliefs about the Magic of Friendship...

"So, Twilight, do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?" Rainbow Dash asked playfully. "A Royale with Cheese."

"Honestly, why do people keep on making that joke?" Twilight put a hand to her forehead.

"I know. At first it was funny, then it was something that was uncommon to say, and by the time 'Kingsmen: The Secret Service' came out in the movies, the joke had overstayed it's welcome..." Rainbow Dash agreed.

"Eat up and clean up after yourselves, girls," Pinkie Pie lavished their food with the medium hot sauce bottle. "And remember to tip your waitress..."

"I give Shadowmane 8%, and I give Hasbro 10%. Why in Faust's name would I give you 18%?" Twilight deadpanned as she and Rainbow Dash took their food.

After that, I was mugged by some random kid from school, Pinkie Pie jumped the story ahead to when she was being tackled and robbed by a kid with ripped sleeves and black hair. I would have lost all of my coupons if it wasn't for a wing-clad hero in purple. Namely, your sexy alter ego, Twilight...

"I need your deck, your boots, and your motorcycle," Yami Twilight said as the punk backed away from her. "Don't ask why I want a motorcycle. By the time Friendship Games comes out, every brony and pegasister in the fandom will be making a 'Friendship on Motorcycles' joke..."

"Screw you, Twilight Sparkle!" the bully said as it balled it's hands into fists. "I'm doing what an actual bully would do and fight whoever challenges me."

"That was your last mistake, buddy..." Yami held out her hand directly in front of the bully's face. "MIND CRUSH!

"Hasta la vista, baby..." Yami smiled as she picked Pinkie Pie off of the floor and gave her her wallet back. "Here you go, Pinkie Pie. As of now, we're best friends forever..."

---

"And that's how we became BFFs." Pinkie Pie smiled.

"Sounds like the lamest and most childish story in history..." Twilight was bemused.

"Hey, guys! Stop talking about the lame friendship sub-plot and let's get to Magnet's castle!" Rainbow Dash called from halfway up the staircase.

---

"Look! It's Trixie!" Twilight and the girls finished climbing the stairs, meeting with Trixie at the castle's front door. "And she's got an even more gruff face than usual..."

"Twilight. I've been waiting for this for thirteen whole chapters..." Trixie's voice sounded venomous and spiteful. "I'll finally defeat you and save my little sisters!"

"You mean your two female Mokubas?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Because of Steven Magnet, he's regressed their minds to infantile and idiotic states..." Trixie growled. "He promised me that I would get them back if I were to defeat you in a rematch..."

"But how?" Twilight tilted her head. "How is it possible for Steven to do such a thing to your girls?"

"Have you seen a Fuchsia Blush or Lavender Lace Equestria Girls doll at your toy stores recently, Twilight?" Trixie closed her eyes.

"No..." Twilight deadpanned.

"Exactly," Trixie spoke up. "Magnet made the world's first Fuchsia and Lavender Equestria Girls toys. And because it was so hard for my girls to comprehend, their minds were replaced with vegetables...

"Let's duel, contract!" Trixie pulled out her deck and the disk system which she had used to defeat Rainbow Dash.

"You're a terrible Deathstroke, Trixie," Yami Twilight appeared. "But what the hay? I'll take you on for a laugh..."

---

"Now then, to make this duel truly intense, we're going to be playing on two of the four tower roofs," Trixie explained whilst they they were standing on the roofs already. "This duel will be our final encounter, as the slightest bit of knockback will send us hurtling into the ocean, with jagged rocks being the last bit of land we touch before we die in unthinkable agony..."

"Meh, I've seen worse..." Yami shrugged.

"Taking all bets! I'm calling a 10-1 chance on Trixie Lulamoon, with a 500-1 chance on Twilight!" Pinkie Pie pulled out a betting booth and saw her friends gathering around it to frenetically make their bets.

---

"Because I ditched my colleagues like that one traitor from Resident Evil 1, I now have ten Star Chips!" Rover showed his wrist of ten Star Chips to Bulk Biceps, who let him through in seconds. "Who knew that betraying your closest friends could be so much fun?"

"Yeah! I know how you feel man..." Bulk said before the gate closed behind Rover once he was in the castle courtyard.

---

"Tell me something, Twilight Sparkle," Trixie grinned as she held up a card. "How does it feel knowing that you, the main character, are going to become the first Friendship is Magic character to lose her dominance over the storyline?"

"You mean I'm going to lose to an orphan?!" Yami Twilight said sarcastically.

"I— Wait, what?!" Trixie glared at Twilight.

"Yes, you heard me right," Yami went on. "I made the freaking 'Trixie/Kaiba is Adopted' joke, just like the bloody script told me to..."

"Who's idea was it to make me an orphan?!" Trixie shouted into the sky.

"Well, whoever they were, I'm sure they were making the right decision..." Twilight grinned.

"Twilight Sparkle. Don't push me..." Trixie's teeth began to grind. "You're a good rival, I'll admit. But there's no reason to stoop to the level of an internet troll who masturbates to making others angry for their own perso—"

"Look at me, everyone! I'm some makeshift magician who boasts on and on about my magic tricks but only likes to talk trash about other people and ponies!" Twilight began mocking and dancing idiotically in front of Trixie. "Screw the rules, I'm a toddler who loves to play wizard 24/7 and have sexual attractions to Ursa Minors and Majors!"

"That's it, Sparkle! You're fing dead!" Trixie roared and stomped her foot violently on the castle, her teeth visible as she locked horns with her opponent. "I now combine my three Ursa Minors to completely mess around with the canon in Friendship is Magic to create a monster which will spell out your demise! A monster so powerful that the company almost censo—"

"Jesus Christ! Just summon your piece of st monster already, you whiny baby!" Twilight shouted.

"Witness the unstoppable force of my Star-Eyes Ursa Major!" Trixie declared as the entire castle was overshadowed by a colossal purple bear.

The beast was so large, that both Trixie and Twilight were no bigger than it's pupils. It looked at it's opponent, then roared at a deafening volume, causing the sky to turn into a purple thunderstorm.

"Holy on a sandwich..." Yami Twilight stumbled backwards. "That thing's almost as powerful as the Three Equestrian God Cards in the next season..."

"How come?" Trixie asked.

"Well, one card only gains multiples of a thousand Attack and Defense Points for each card in the owner's hand, the second only has 4000 Attack and Defense Points, and the third one's power varies depending on the three monsters used to tribute for it..." Yami Twilight explained. "But anyways, I have just the card to defeat it...

"Go! Swarm of the Century episode!" Twilight flipped up a card that showed an image of a Friendship is Magic episode. "Use your power to turn one hairy diabetes in disguise into millions of diabetes in disguises!" Twilight's one parasprite then turned into hundreds, then thousands, then millions, and enough to make a complete copy of Trixie's Star-Eyes Ursa Major.

"Man, Twilight Sparkle really has a fetish for those bug thingies..." Rover examined the duel from a nearby window. "Kinda like my hunger for gems and vengeance...

"If it weren't for me being a complete scumbag, we could have been friends as well..."

"And now, I combine my Smooze with your Ursa Major, causing it to decay and grow weaker and weaker by the second!" Yami Twilight said triumphantly. "Eat that, show-off..."

"I'd rather die than lose again..." Trixie stood on the edge of her tower. "Now with one more attack, you can put me out of my misery, Twilight Sparkle..."

"Alright! Twilight's finally going to kill Trixie Lulamoon!" Rainbow Dash braced herself for the final attack.

"Serves Sethisto right for treating her like a god..." Pinkie Pie crossed her arms.

"Go on, Twilight! Kill me!" Trixie shouted. "Kill me and shorten the storyline down by a humongous margin of episodes!"

"No..." Yami Twilight knew what Trixie was planning and didn't want to go through with it "I know what you're doing, Trixie, and I won't allow it..."

The audience groaned as Twilight began to talk.

"We need you alive, Trixie Lulamoon," Yami Twilight explained. "Without your rivarly with me, you won't start the BOTB City Tournament, find the three Equestrian God Cards, see the new villain and her gang of hypnotized slaves, and eventually become one of the main protagonists in defeating the leader of a secretive cult..." Yami Twilight retracted her disk and called off the attack. "I forfeit the duel."

"Wh-What?!" Trixie stuttered as she watched what was happening in front of her eyes. "You're giving up? After all the time I had planned for this rematch?!"

"Screw it, Trixie. I have bigger fish to fry," Yami explained. "And besides, I'll actually feel sorry when I lose to Double Diamond because he convinces me to play a card that gives him and his cult power to erase the loser's personalities if they lose..."

"What?" Trixie asked.

"Nothing. You just go off and lie to Magnet saying that you won fair and square," Yami Twilight explained. "Meanwhile, I'll let regular Twilight take over and watch her hilarious reaction to what just happened.

"Uhh... Well then... this is... awkward..." Trixie was sheepish as she picked up her equipment and walked inside the castle. "I... guess I'll see you later then?"

"Yeah, yeah. You go and save your sisters, Trixie..." Yami reverted back to regular Twilight, who looked like she had been hit with a bolt of lightning over and over again in her mind.

"Alright then..." Trixie was still puzzled, but she still walked away nonetheless. Well, that was a weird rematch...

"So, Twilight, how do you feel?" Rainbow Dash asked regular Twilight, but got no response.

"Maybe she's traumatized by something..." Applejack guessed.

"So let me get this straight..." Twilight put it all together in her head. "According to what Yami said, my first actual loss will be at the hands of Double Diamond?"

"Yeah? What's so important about that?" Rainbow Dash shrugged.

"If my math is correct, that means Shadowmane's cast Double Diamond as Raphael, and either Party Favor or Sugarbelle as Alistair..." Twilight put a finger to her hand.

"Again, why's that important?" Rainbow Dash was still confused.

"Rainbow Dash, that means that Night Glider – your best friend who you were going to give half of your winnings to – will be cast as Valon..." Twilight finished the puzzle. "And if that's right, that means that Starlight Glimmer is Dartz in Season 4..."

"Well, this fic's just been ruined..." Cadence spoke. "Might as well sit back and watch the downvotes come, I guess..."

"Yeah, but first, we'd better get inside..." Twilight began to shiver. "It's much colder on a rooftop than you'd think..."

---

PO-NI-OH! THE ABRIDGED SERIES

[Hey, it could be worse. At least there isn't a pony who could be Siegfried in the World Championship arc in Season 5...]

[Also, my birthday is in thirty minutes. Look sharp, people!]