Checkups and Chow
For once, I actually got what I wanted out of life: a couple months of relative peace and quiet to figure some things out. That’s not to say nothing happened. It turned out that Twilight’s new castle had a magical map that sent Fluttershy off on adventures every once in awhile, Rainbow started doing a lot more work with the Wonderbolt Reserves, and life carried with the usual level of insanity for everypony else in Ponyville. Still, at least for me personally things were settling down a bit. Being pregnant wasn’t quite so utterly and incomprehensibly terrifying after I’d had several months to get used to the idea. Still pretty damn scary, though.
Of course, it did come with some serious drawbacks, like the near-constant visits to the hospital for checkups. Okay, maybe not constant, but it sure felt that way. Usually I only ever went there when somepony sprained a wing, bucked a cloud too hard, or that one time Blossom nearly dislocated her shoulder when we’d been working on a new position. Weekly appointments to get my baby bump checked on was an entirely different proposition.
I frowned at my belly as I waddled down the street. Well, perhaps saying I was waddling was a bit of an exaggeration, but by this point other ponies could see my baby bump, and I could definitely feel it. It was like carrying a backpack full of gear, except inside my stomach ... so actually not that much like carrying a backpack at all. At least the morning sickness had died down, even if a dozen other less immediately noticeable but equally irritating issues had taken its place.
I swear, mares who went on about how magical and wonderful pregnancy was must’ve been looking back on it with tons of nostalgia. Maybe they loved their kids so much that they overlooked the eleven months of feeling bloated and miserable.
Or perhaps they just knew nopony wanted to hear all the ugly little details. Pregnancy was suppose to be all about the amazing feeling of a new life growing inside you, so all the pregnant mares just smiled and said that’s how they felt even when the truth was that their back was sore, their hooves swollen, and that they had constant cramps. Well I wasn’t going to go along with the conspiracy to smile and pretend everything was fine! I was sore and miserable, and I was feathering proud of it!
Blossom shot a worried look my way, wrapping a wing around my back. “Feeling alright, Cloud?”
“So far, yeah.”
So much for my grand plans to spread the word. Apparently the conspiracy had already sunk its fangs, talons, and other evil appendages too deeply into me. Let’s face it, nopony wants to listen to me whine and moan about whatever new part of me is sore today. Really, when you think about it ‘How do you feel?’ is one of the most dishonest questions in the world. It’s nothing more than an idle pleasantry that’s supposed to be answered with some variant of ‘I feel fine.’ If somepony asks you that question and you actually give them an honest, detailed answer they’ll get really uncomfortable and try to escape the conversation as soon as they can politely do so. You know what? The next time somepony asked me how I felt, I was gonna treat them to a ten minute rant about how I had to wake up five times last night because my baby was squeezing my bladder. That’ll teach them to be polite.
“Glad you’re doing alright.” Blossom nuzzled me, oblivious to my budding plans to destroy the veneer of civil society that held Equestria together. “You want me to head in with you or would you like to do this by yourself?”
I trotted on into the hospital with Blossom in tow. “Well it's potentially your fault I'm in this condition, so you can suffer through the checkup with me. I oughta pay Redheart extra to poke and prod your belly for a bit.”
Blossom grinned and gave me a careful little squeeze. “Well, if you’ve still got your terrible sense of humor you can’t be doing too badly.”
“Ouch, Blossom.” I waddled over to the front desk and gave the receptionist my appointment info, then hauled my bloated self over to the chair Blossom had waiting for me. “My sense of humor is wonderful, witty, and engaging. I could’ve been a stand-up comedian, but I went into weather work because I couldn’t resist the lower pay and longer hours.”
Blossom snorted and poked me in the chest. “I bet you really just did it because you wanted a job where you could spot anypony who might be fooling around outside.”
“Nah, that was just a perk.” I smirked and nudged her shoulder. “The real reason I took the job was all the hot ponies Rainbow hires. Just saying, most of the fit, trim pegasi in Ponyville are on the weather team.”
Blossom rolled her eyes. “Let me guess, next you’re going to say that it was all part of your master plan to start the biggest orgy in history?”
“Nah.” I waved her remark away. “That’s what my vacations to Las Pegasus were for. The Elements of Harmony thing happened after that, so my next plan was to get through all of them.” I sighed and shook my head. “Should’ve gotten Rainbow when I had the chance. When I first made it to Ponyville she was throwing herself at me and going on about how she wanted my babies, so I had to let her down easy. Back then I was still a wild, crazy mare who didn’t want to get tied down.”
It says something about how well Blossom knew me that she didn’t even roll her eyes at my mild exaggeration. “And then Fluttershy grabbed you and wouldn’t let go,” she concluded.
“She can be stubborn that way,” I agreed. I sighed, leaning back in my chair and trying to find a way to sit that didn’t feel completely uncomfortable. “Maybe I should’ve chased Twilight a bit harder. Then I could slap a crown on my head and make everypony call me Princess Cloud Kicker. Maybe force Rainbow Dash to be my maid, start up a royal harem for the two of us. You’d look good in a harem mare dress. Though I wonder what they’d call me. Cadance has the Princess of Love thing down, so I guess I’d be...”
“Princess of Banging,” Blossom deadpanned. “Because obviously that’s the one thing Equestria desperately lacks right now.”
“Love, friendship, and wild unrestrained sex?” I grinned. “Sounds like a good combination to me.” I paused for a moment, then shook my head. “Aaand now you have me thinking about a three-way with Twilight and Cadance.”
“See, this is why you never got to become a princess.” Blossom smirked at me. “You’d be too busy trying to seduce all the other princesses and turn your royal guards into a personal harem to actually run anything. I suppose I should be grateful you didn’t amend the weather team’s hiring requirements to look like a personal ad.”
I grinned and nodded along. “Weather team seeking new employees. Must be eighteen or older and physically attractive. Expect to work both one-on-one and as part of a team. Reach and flexibility also required. Must be willing to work all night long and into the early morning hours. Twins strongly preferred.”
Blossom very carefully slugged me in the shoulder. “You’re horrible.”
“Love you too,” I shot back with a grin.
My ear flicked as I heard one of the hospital doors opening up, and I looked up to see Redheart stepping out with a clipboard. “Cloud Kicker? We’re ready for you.”
“Yaaay.” I groaned and hauled myself up, waddling on over to her. Blossom followed along beside me, keeping her wing around me.
Redheart led us to a room that had a bit more of that sharp antiseptic smell than the rest of the hospital, presumably because they’d just finished cleaning it from the last patient. I hopped up onto a bed that was not nearly big enough, while Redheart pulled out my folder full of medical info. “So then, how have you been feeling lately? Everything alright?”
One nice thing about doctors, they’re the only ones who you can not only complain to about all your little medical issues, but they’re just about obligated to listen and at least pretend to care. “Yeah, aside from the bloating, soreness, weight gain, mood swings, out-of-control hormones, weird cravings, fatigue, and needing to get up five times a night to use the bathroom, I'm peachy.” I paused, frowning to myself. “Seriously, what’s up with those weird cravings? Last night I put ketchup all over tortilla chips, covered them with cheese, and then ate the whole thing in one go.”
Redheart made a few notes, then spat out her pen. “Those things are normal, as long as they aren’t too bad. Even the cravings. I can offer some literature and a few dietary suggestions that might help a bit with some of those problems.” She shot me a dry smile. “Though you’re probably just going to have to get used to the bathroom thing.”
I sighed and nodded. “I’ll take what I can get.”
Redheart trotted over to a cabinet and pulled out some medical supplies. “Well, I think you know what’s coming up next.”
“Yeah, more tests.” I grumbled, rearranging myself on the bed to make her job easier. “Just like we did last week. And the week before that, and the week before that...”
Blossom smirked and poked my ribs. “You’d think you’d be used to dealing with it by now.”
Redheart shot Blossom a dry grin. “Honestly, by now I’d be more worried if she wasn’t making a fuss and complaining every time we do this. Trust me when I say she’s not the worst patient I’ve had.” She frowned. “Don’t get me wrong, Ditzy was nice and friendly for most of her visits, but I never did figure out what happened to my ultrasound wand.” She shook her head. “Anyway, medically speaking you’ve been doing really well, Cloud. Now that you’re in the second trimester, you shouldn’t have to worry as much about things like morning sickness.” She started poking and prodding with the calm detachment and complete lack of respect for personal space that only a medical professional can show.
It’s rather telling about just how good she was at her job that I was actually uncomfortable with the process. I focused on the medical issues to try and distract myself from what Redheart was up to. “Yeah, morning sickness hasn't been as much of an issue lately.”
Blossom nodded along. “Thank goodness, that was making you miserable.”
I grunted in agreement, while Redheart thankfully finished invading my personal space in the most un-fun way I’d ever experienced that didn’t involve a Diamond Dog. “Glad that’s been less of a problem for you,” she said. “Alright, how about we get you on the scales and then we’ll take a blood test.”
“Can do.” I obediently got off the bed and headed over to the scale, suppressing a groan at the continued upward growth of the numbers. Not all of that could be blamed on the baby growing in my belly. Between the random cravings and cutting back on my old exercise routine, I was getting a bit out of shape. At this rate I was never gonna catch up with Storm.
I decided to switch subjects to something less depressing. “So what's new with you, Redheart?”
“Me?” Redheart broke out a measuring tape to check a few things. “Oh, not all that much. Been hanging out with the girls when I can, and I’m going to a conference in Fillydelphia in a couple of weeks. Should be a fun break from the usual, at least.”
“Your life sounds so much more interesting than mine.” It was really depressing to think how I had such a boring life now. “I did a bunch of weather paperwork this morning, and I’ll be doing more once we finish up here. After I get off work I’ll mope around the house and help feed the animals while we wait for Fluttershy to get back. Then once we finish that, I’ll just lie around the house doing nothing because I'm fat, bloated, and my ankles get sore if I walk too much.”
Redheart frowned at me. “Well you should still be getting some exercise if at all possible.” She jotted down a few notes. “You have been gaining weight a bit faster than you should. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about your diet.”
Blossom nodded along. “Yeah, ever since Rainbow stuck you on desk duty you haven’t been spending all day flying around busting clouds. That’s pretty good exercise all by itself.”
I sighed, flopping back onto the bed now that I was done with the scale. “Yeah, she doesn't want me going outside or anything. Last time I went out in the field she wouldn’t stop hovering until I parked my perfectly proportioned purple plot back behind a desk.”
Blossom rolled her eyes at my bragging, but nodded along. “Maybe we should talk to her about that? I mean, you can still supervise even if we don't want you cloudbucking. According to Twilight’s books and Redheart’s information, you shouldn’t have any trouble flying around until you hit the third trimester.”
Redheart jotted down a few more notes. “Even once you hit your third trimester, you can still fly as long as you have a cloud supporting your weight. That shouldn’t be an issue considering your talents. Daily activity is important for keeping yourself healthy—and you don't want to end up going stir crazy anyways. Stress is bad for both you and the foal.”
“Got it, I’ll go out and about more.” Now I just needed somepony to run interference with Rainbow whenever I was trying to get some exercise. It’s not that I completely hated the way she’d fret and fuss over me, but after a while it stopped being sweet and started getting a little annoying. Then a lot. Then back to sweet for a bit. Then just downright infuriating. Rainbow never really does things halfway.
Redheart pulled out a needle that looked way too large and thick, then jabbed it into me without any warning. I prefered it that way; I tensed up if I knew it was coming. “Your maternity books should also offer plenty of good exercises for you to do that will help you stay in shape without putting too much stress on your body or the foal.”
Blossom chuckled. “In that case we should be fine. Twilight got us more than enough books. Anymore and we could open up our own maternity library. Though I’m sure she passed them on after she read them herself.”
“Well they were books.” I sighed in relief as the vampire known as Redheart finished extracting my blood for her tests. “Seriously, if we didn’t already have plans for this year’s Nightmare Night, I’d dress up as a sexy book. Of course, if I did that then I’d probably need you and Fluttershy there to fend her off with sticks.”
“How would you even make a book costume look sexy?” Before I could answer her Blossom held up a hoof to cut me off. “Wait, never mind. Asking that question is only going to encourage you to find a way to make it happen.”
“You know me so well.” I pecked her cheek.
“Always nice to see you two getting along so well.” Redheart smiled at us. “I suppose Fluttershy couldn’t make it this week?”
“She’s off doing map stuff,” I confirmed.
“I see,” Redheart answered with a blankly uncomprehending look. Apparently not everypony in the world knew Twilight had a magical map that sent her and her friends off to solve problems. It seemed a little weird to me, but considering everything else that happened around Twilight Sparkle, a magic map didn’t even break the top ten.
Redheart jotted down a few more notes in my records, then nodded to herself. “Alright, I think that’s going to be it for your weekly checkup. Everything looks good, and you should get the results of your blood tests in the mail in two or three days.”
“Alright then.” I hauled myself back up onto my hooves, groaning a bit as they twinged in protest. Blossom was quick to help me get up.
Redheart watched me with a slight frown. “You shouldn’t be having that much trouble just moving around. Being a bit sore and tired is to be expected, but your mobility should still be relatively unhampered.”
Blossom nudged me. “I think she’s being a bit of a drama queen about it so everypony will feel sorry for her and pamper her.”
“Blossom!” I protested, holding a hoof over my wounded heart. “Do you really think I would do something like that?” I didn’t give her a chance to provide the incredibly obvious answer and undercut me. “I think I need another hoof massage. They’re just so sore. And if you wore the nurse outfit that would make everything so much better...”
“For the sake of my own sanity and peace of mind, I’m going to pretend I never heard that.” Redheart made a couple final notes, then set her pen aside. “So, same time next week?”
“Can’t wait,” I grumbled, stretching out all six limbs. “You know these little visits are the highlight of my week. Has to be one of the only times I ever complained about getting poked for a solid half-hour.”
Redheart answered with a flat look. “Trust me, it’s just as much fun for me as it is for you. This is at least slightly novel from your side of things, while I’ve been doing this for years. And least you can trust me to be completely professional.” She rather pointedly opened the door for me, then paused and reached into her medical pouch. “Since you behaved yourself today, you can have a lollipop. We have some for the kids.”
“I know you’re poking fun at me, but I’m still taking it.” I snatched away the candy before she could change her mind. “Look at you, giving me presents. I bet you're just trying to butter me up for next time. Get me all relaxed, and then you hit me with some new test or exercise.”
She smirked at me. “I’ll be sure to come up with something suitably horrible.” She waved goodbye as we headed off. “See you next week. And Blossomforth, if she gives you too much trouble you can still swat her upside the head without causing any problems for the baby.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” As we headed back down the hospital corridors, Blossom grinned and leaned in. “So ... what’ll you do for me to make me not tell Rainbow that little tidbit?”
“You kidding?” I shook my head. “I’ve been getting away with so much ever since I got pregnant, because she doesn’t think she can hit back. The other day at lunch I spent the whole time calling her stuff like ‘My Cutesy Wootsey Widdle Dashie-Poo’ and she couldn’t do anything about it but grumble about how she’d get me back once the kid was out. I’ve still got months of material left to inflict upon her.” I nodded sagely. “It’s how I show my love.”
Blossom shook her head. “The sad things is, you’re not even kidding about that. As far as I can tell your entire friendship is based on making fun of, teasing, and pranking each other.”
“There are worse foundations to build a friendship on.” And it wasn’t like Rainbow and I only ever teased each other—she was one of my best friends, and I knew I could always count on her to have my back. That was why our constant teasing and bickering worked: we both trusted each other enough to know that the little back-and-forth didn’t mean anything.
Blossom gently tugged me along while my mind was occupied with trying to find the latest way to express my undying friendship with Rainbow Dash. Maybe steal a page from Star and break out the water balloons? There’s a lot to be said for respecting the classics. Maybe I could get Twilight to write a big friendship research paper on that. Friendship and the magic of pegging your bestie on the back of the head with a water balloon. Yes, this topic definitely merited further research. Perhaps it was time for a field experiment...
Blossom led me to the entrance of the hospital. “Looks like things went pretty quick, so we should have time for a quick lunch before we head back to work.”
“Sounds good to me.” At least now I had medical permission to get out of the office for a while. Rainbow would probably go along with it once I brought up Redheart’s orders. Yeah, she was being a bit of an overprotective worrywart when it came to physical activity, but the best way to counter that was to point out that me getting some exercise would keep me and foal healthy.
After all, Rainbow was only making such a fuss because she wanted me to be as absolutely safe as possible. I just hoped she stayed far away from any more health food books. I really didn’t want to suffer through another dose of her home-cooked healthy meals. Rainbow’s a good enough cook when she sticks with what she knows, but she most definitely does not know how to make a fruitcake. She seemed convinced that since it had fruit in the name and fruit was healthy, then fruitcake had to be healthy too. Or the time she got rid of all the haybacon in the house, because back when Derpy had been carrying Dinky haybacon always set off her morning sickness. Or when she made me pickle soup to help with my cravings, because apparently Derpy had liked that.
We’d almost escaped the hospital when we crossed paths with Ponyville’s sole resident alicorn. Twilight was chatting with one of the ponies at the front desk, but what got my attention was the fact that one of her legs was covered in bandages and there was a rather nasty-looking lump on the side of her head. There were probably some more injuries hidden under the hospital gown.
I rushed over to her side, my heart clenching in my chest. “Twilight?! What happened to you? Is Fluttershy okay?!”
“Oh, Cloud!” She quickly put a reassuring hoof on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy was off doing something completely unrelated, she’s fine. As for me ... well I, I kinda had an incident with some monsters and an evil artifact. But it's alright! Promise!” She waved down to herself. “They just wanted to run a few tests to make sure I was alright.”
Blossom looked her over and frowned. “You look like you got run over by a cart. That was on fire. And being driven by Derpy right after somepony told her they’d just opened up an all-you-can-eat muffin buffet.”
“According to the doctors, I’ll feel like that’s what happened when I wake up tomorrow.” Twilight groaned and ran her good hoof through her hair. “It was one of those days where things got a little bit crazy. Then a lot crazy.”
“What about Storm?” I pressed.
“She’s fine too,” Twilight quickly assured me. “A little beat up, but no worse than I am. Which she was pretty grumpy about when I checked up on her something like how since she’s my bodyguard, I shouldn’t have one scratch on me until she’s been completely beaten up.” Twilight sighed and shook her head. “In any case, they already sent her back to the palace. I gave her the rest of the week off, and that should be enough for her to recover—if she actually rests like I told her to instead of being stubborn about it.”
My shoulders slumped in relief. “Glad she’s alright, though don’t hold your breath about her not being stubborn. It runs in the family.” I’d have to check up on her later, but for right now I shook my head and got back to what I’d originally been worried about. “Any idea when Fluttershy'll be back?”
Twilight shrugged. “It’s hard to say for sure. The map sent them to Vanhoover, so it’s not exactly a short trip. Most map missions don’t take too long, but we really don’t know what we’re dealing with until we get there and have a look.” She frowned to herself. “I really need to reconfigure the map to provide us with more information than who it wants to send and where they need to go. It obviously must need more information than that to decide who to send, and if we had access to all the information it uses to make its decisions, we’d have a much easier time with our jobs.” She grimaced and shook her head. “Seriously, telling Rarity and Applejack nothing but that there’s a friendship problem somewhere in Manehattan? Does the map have any idea how many ponies there are in Manehattan? Or how many of them are probably having some sort of friendship-related problem at any point in time? It’s a miracle they actually managed to find ... I’m rambling again. Sorry.”
“It’s alright.” Twilight going off on the occasional tangent was just one of her charming qualities. And I was certainly in no position to complain about anypony getting distracted, even if my distractions were usually more along the lines of checking out somepony’s butt. I sighed and shook my head. “I just hope Fluttershy comes home soon.”
Blossom nuzzled me reassuringly, while Twilight responded with a strained smile. “Don’t worry, I'm sure she'll be back before long. And these map missions are never dangerous. Well, except for that one where we were all held captive by that crazy pony and her cult of brainwashed followers who stole our cutie marks. Or when Rainbow Dash nearly fell into a bottomless chasm while she was visiting Gryphonstone. Or when Pinkie ... I think I’ll stop talking now.”
“Thanks for trying to cheer me up.” Princess or not, there were still times when Twilight was the same awkward, adorkable bookworm I’d first met years ago.
Blossom apparently decided it would be a good idea to close out the conversation before Twilight could do any more damage. “Come on, Cloud, lets get you something to eat.”
“Right, nice to see you.” Twilight tried spreading out her wings, but only got them halfway before wincing and pulling them back in. “I guess I’ll go back to the palace and ... I don’t know. I’m feeling too lightheaded to read, and all my friends are either out of town or busy. So ... um...” She shuffled uncertainly on her hooves, her ears drooping miserably.
I couldn’t say no to that face. “Wanna come with us, Twilight?”
Her ears perked right back up. But she tried to politely hide her enthusiasm. “Only if you want me along. I wouldn’t want to intrude on the two of you.”
Blossom shrugged. “The more the merrier. It’s not like we were planning to do anything all that fancy for lunch.”
“Great,” Twilight fell in at my side as the three of us trotted out of the hospital. “I'm pretty hungry now. One of the side effects of all the tests and everything else I went through, I guess.”
I was tempted to ask for details about what exactly she’d gone through but Blossom cut in with a far more pertinent question. “Where do we want to eat? You having any weird cravings, Cloud? That would help us narrow it down.”
I thought it over, consulting my ever-growing stomach. “Nah, not having too many cravings today. How about a salad?”
Blossom let out a relieved sigh. “Well that sounds nice and—”
“With peanut butter,” I continued. “And plenty of vinegar for the dressing. Oh, and gruyere cheese on top. Lots of cheese. I mean lots of it. Maybe some hayfries mixed in too.”
“Well, glad to see you aren’t having too much trouble with cravings,” Twilight deadpanned. “Anyway, there’s a pretty nice deli on the town square that should be able to take care of that. They do sandwiches and they do salads, so they should have ... all of that.”
“Ooor maybe we should go home,” Blossom suggested. “That way we can fix whatever you want instead of traumatizing the restaurant staff and anypony who happens to be looking in your general direction once you start eating.”
“Bah.” I grumbled and flicked my wing off of Blossom. “Just for that, we’re definitely eating out. Let all the world watch as I gorge myself on craving-fulfilling food. If you think it’s gross, you deserve it for possibly being the one who planted this kid in my belly.”
Blossom sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’d say being pregnant has turned you into a real hooffull, but you were just as bad before any of this happened. Alright, fine, let’s get your pregnant plot to the deli, and then you can terrorize whatever poor chef gets put in charge of assembling the latest culinary abomination your stomach demands.”
Twilight smiled awkwardly. “Um, I hope you don’t mind if I just eat a couple normal hayburgers. I’m sure that ... er ... salad-like thing you described sounds appetizing to you, but I’d rather stick with something a bit more conventional.”
“Seconded,” Blossom agreed without a moment’s hesitation. “At least I’ve almost gotten used to just ignoring whatever weirdness is on Cloud’s plate and focusing on my own food.”
“I’ve got some practice at that thanks to Storm,” Twilight agreed. “Which reminds me, she wanted me to do some research on the benefits of a high-protein diet for expecting mares. Thought I should warn you that she might try to convert you to her strange omnivorous ways next time she sees you.”
“Thanks for the warning.” In my current craving-filled state, I was a little worried by the possibility that she might ambush me with some freshly-cooked meat. What if I got one whiff of the stuff and my crazy stomach decided I should eat it? Considering Derpy had shared a story about how she’d once been hit by a craving for wet cement, it wasn’t that crazy...
The three of us headed over the cafe, Blossom flitting ahead to pull out a couple chairs for us. “Okay, Cloud, how about you sit down, and I'll go in and order your ... I guess it does fit the technical definition of food in that it is theoretically edible. You should probably sit down too, Twilight. You wanted the hayburgers, right?”
Twilight nodded, sinking into her seat almost as heavily as I did. “Yeah, two hayburgers with extra ketchup. Thanks.”
“No problem.” Blossom planted a quick kiss on the top of my head. “I’ll be back once our food’s ready and I convince the chefs not to commit ritual suicide after they’re done making Cloud’s horrible abomination of a meal.”
I rolled my eyes, but that didn’t stop them from lingering on Blossom’s plot for a bit as she trotted in. Once her beautiful butt was out of sight, I shifted my attention to Twilight and asked the obvious question. “So what exactly happened to you?”
Twilight sighed, leaning back in her chair. “Somepony on an archeological expedition near the Crystal Empire dug up an artifact. Something made by King Sombra that had just been buried for centuries. By the time we found out about it, he was using the artifact to enslave an entire town and had declared himself the Supreme God-Overlord of Icepeak.” Twilight shook her head. “I swear, there must be something about dark-magic that makes ponies want to give themselves the most ridiculous titles imaginable. Anyway, that resulted in me getting into a big fight with the monsters he had managed to control, and then the artifact itself. You can guess how the rest of it all played out.”
“Oooh.” I’d read about cases like that back at West Hoof, when I was doing my training for if I ever needed to work with magi. Random ponies stumbling across some evil artifact that made them go on a rampage was one of the things they faced with depressing regularity. Though I suppose that wasn’t as bad as an outright warlock, like the one cult leader Twilight and her friends had run into a while back. “No offense, but kinda glad Flutters missed that.”
“Me too.” Twilight shook her head. “I’m starting to see why Storm keeps suggesting I expand my Guard contingent. Storm, Masked, Speedy, Twinkleshine and I would’ve had a much easier time of it if we’d had a bit more backup.”
I blinked at the less-than-welcome reminder that my dad’s ... paramour was stationed in Ponyville now. I suppose I should’ve expected it, what with her being one of Twilight’s old friends. “How’s Twinkleshine, anyway?”
Twilight blinked, then quickly nodded “Oh! She's fine too. Actually better off than me and Storm, since she was watching our backs while we did the hardest part of it. She didn’t have anything too serious other than being told not to cast any strenuous spells for a week.” Twilight’s shoulders untensed. “It was a close thing, but we all made it out more-or-less intact.”
“Well that’s good.” I shuffled in my seat. “I know Dad would be upset if anything...”
Twilight coughed, her cheeks warming up a bit. “Right, with them, um, being involved...”
A shiver ran down my spine. “Yeah. That.”
Twilight chuckled nervously. “I guess that's a bit weird for you, isn't it? I know it’s a bit strange for me. I mean, one of my old friends is dating another one of my friends’ father. Though I suppose as long as they’re both happy I shouldn’t judge. Are you...?”
She left the question hanging, but what she meant was pretty obvious. “I'm ... dealing.”
“Oh.” She rubbed at the back of her mane. “I know a bit about how difficult dealing with something like that can be.”
I thought back to Twilight’s rather convoluted family tree, and recent revelations about just how messy it was. “Yeah, I guess you have some experience with that.”
Twilight stared down at the table, carefully rearranging her silverware so that it was all in perfect order. “So if you ever want to talk about it with somepony ... well, you have Blossomforth and Fluttershy for that, I guess.”
“Yeah, I do.” I didn’t want to leave her feeling completely shut out, though. “But you know Twinkleshine a lot better than I do, or either of them. Counts for something.”
Twilight nodded and smiled. “Right, we were friends back in school. I guess I should’ve realized Twinkle has a thing for older stallions—she did develop a huge crush on one of our teachers. But there’s a big difference between that and...” She sighed and started rearranging my silverware. “I don’t think it’s Twinkleshine’s age that’s really bothering you, is it? It’s the fact that she’s involved with your father.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say the age is a total non-issue.” Though if I’m honest, a small part of me couldn’t help but be impressed with my dad for still having so much game. “I mean, she is pretty young for him, and I’m sure as hay not gonna call Twinkleshine my stepmom. But the age thing doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the fact that anypony is dating Dad. I doubt it would bug me that much less if he had his sights on somepony his own age.” I paused, then amended that. “Well, except that Twinkleshine’s still young enough to have kids. Which ... yeah, that’s gonna be a lovely little complication if they go all the way.”
Twilight sighed and patted my shoulder. “Maybe you just need some time to get used to it. I promise, Twinkleshine is really nice.”
“Yeah, that’s what everypony keeps telling me.” I leaned back in my chair, staring up at the cloud-filled sky. “Having her around Ponyville working in your palace is going to make it pretty hard to avoid her forever.”
Twilight set one of her hooves on top of mine. “Right, she isn't going anywhere anytime soon. If you want, I can have you two sit down and talk.” She shot me a cute and confident little grin. “I am the Princess of Friendship, and it sure sounds like you two could use a little help with your friendship. So if you want some help...”
I knew Twilight well enough to realize that there was no getting out of this. Apparently one of the times back in ancient history when our families had intermarried, the Kicker Stubbornness Gene had passed into the Sparkle line. I guess I should be glad we didn’t get the Sparkle Dancing Gene in the bargain. “Alright then, I’ll give it a shot.”
She nodded eagerly. “Great, I'll make all the arrangements later. Maybe you'll even become friends.” Her cute little grin shifted into a positively adorkable smile.
I groaned and flopped back. “I can't say no to that face...”
That remark unfortunately killed the smile, replacing it with a confused frown. “Huh? Something up with my face?”
I snickered. “Yeah. It was way too cute.”
“Oh, um...” She smiled up shyly at me. “That's good, right?”
I grinned and booped her on the nose. “Cute is always good.”
She chuckled, seeming to get her mental hooves back under her. “Good to hear then. It has been a while since I've been called cute. I think most ponies are just a little too nervous about me being a princess to say things like that to me.”
“Especially since Storm’d be glaring at them if they tried.” My cousin got extra-grumpy if she thought anyone wasn’t showing proper respect for Twilight, and apparently she considered flirting disrespectful. While I thought she was being a bit of a stick in the mud, I suppose I could see where she was coming from. It’s not like anypony would dare to go up to Princess Celestia and start hitting on her. But then, Celestia was millenia old and despite lots of crazy rumors and family legends, she’d never had a confirmed romantic relationship. Twilight ... wasn’t Celestia.
I spotted Blossom trotting over with our food, and decided to bring her into the conversation. “Well, maybe I should call you cute more often. What do you think, Blossom? Should I keep telling Twilight how cute she is?”
Blossom grinned and set my plate down in front of me. The combination of smells coming off of my bizarre mismatched salad really didn’t seem like something that should go together, but for some reason when they all hit my nose at the same time it just ... worked. While I drooled over my food, Blossom set far more conventional food in front of herself and Twilight, then grinned at me. “Are you inflicting your wiles on our poor, innocent princess, Cloud?”
I shrugged and grabbed my fork. “She was being cute, and I told her how cute she was. Pretty sure that’s not a crime.” I dove into my meal, moaning softly as a dozen different flavors hit my tongue at the same time and all came together in a perfect medley. Cravings might look weird from the outside, but nothing tastes as good as a weird craving that’s finally been fulfilled.
“Truuue,” Blossom agreed, nibbling on her burger. “And it would be a shame if a cute princess wasn't told she was cute every once in awhile. Even it does make me a bit jealous.” She gave my knee a quick pat under the table.
I took a bit to swallow my current mouthful of delectable salad—the vinegar and peanut butter were just perfect together. “Oh relax, Blossom. I love you to bits, even if Twi's cute.”
Blossom grinned and poked me with a wingtip. “That’s why I’m only a bit jealous, you big goof.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Don’t forget we’re still in an open relationship, even if you’ve stuck exclusively with me and Fluttershy for a while now. If I was gonna blow up every time you called somepony cute, we wouldn’t have lasted this long.”
“I can’t really argue with that logic.” Considering my track record as an utterly shameless flirt, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised Blossom had accepted that.
Blossom grinned and shrugged. “I mean, half the time you and Rainbow tease each other you pretend to flirt with her, and you’ve flirted with pretty much everypony we work with at some point. I know you're going to be you.”
Twilight chuckled. “I don't think any force in Equestria is strong enough to keep Cloud from being Cloud.”
I grinned and put my hooves behind my head, leaning back in my chair. “Nope. I mean, who would I be if I wasn’t me?”
Blossom grinned and gave my knee another quick pat. “So go ahead and be a shameless flirt. As long as you're in a good mood I’m happy.” She smirked at Twilight. “In fact, I might even help Cloud out a bit. She’s been a terrible influence on me.”
I chuckled and wrapped a wing around her. “See, this is why despite all the flirting with other ponies, Blossom’s the one I end up coming home to every night rather than the cute princess.”
Blossom playfully but very carefully swatted my chest. “Darn right it is.”
I shot a mock-sympathetic smile Twilight’s way. “Sorry, looks like you can’t beat Blossom.”
Twilight sighed with melodrama worthy of Rarity. “Oh phooey. I was so looking forward to stealing you away for the secret royal harem I’ve been secretly building in secret.”
Blossom grinned triumphantly. “Sorry, I had an unbeatable lead from the start.”
“There there.” I reached over and patted Twilight’s uninjured leg. “Maybe we can talk Fluttershy into letting you stay for a sleepover sometime.”
“Oh, that's...” Twilight’s cheeks lit up and she couldn’t meet my eyes. “Um, I don't know what to, um...”
Blossom’s hooves flew up to cover her mouth in a vain attempt to conceal her giggling. “You got her blushing now, Cloud.”
“Victory is mine!” I pumped my hoof triumphantly.
Twilight groaned, burying her head in her wings. “That’s the problem with you: once you start flirting I can never tell if you're just teasing me or being serious.”
Blossom nodded and grinned. “The obvious answer is yes to both, because this is Cloud.”
Twilight sighed from within the shelter of her wings. “Of course it is.”
I nodded along, amused by just how well Blossom got me. “I'm just teasing ... buuut if my raw sexual charisma overwhelmed you so much that you couldn’t help but throw yourself at me, I’d roll with it.”
“If she threw herself at you?” Blossom asked, smirking at me. “Think you'd have trouble pulling it off? I guess you are a little out of practice...”
“Oooooh, now you've done it, Blossom.” I scuffed my hooves along the ground as if I were preparing for a race. “I pretty much have to seduce her now. My reputation is on the line.”
Twilight warily peeked out from her wings, and for a moment I wondered if she was planning to fly or teleport away. Instead she opened them up, then started almost frantically waving. “Fluttershy! Over here!”
My ears immediately perked up, all thought of teasing Twilight gone. “Eepy?” I spun around in my chair just in time to see her land. Fluttershy’s mane was windblown and she looked a bit tired from the long flight, but none of that changed the fact that she was here. I quickly waddled over and wrapped her in a bear hug.
She hugged me back, though far more gently. “It’s good to see you too, Cloud. Is everything okay? How’s the baby doing?”
“We’re both fine,” I assured her before she could start working herself up into a panic. “I was just a bit worried about you. Just, I didn’t know when you’d be home or if you were in trouble or what was...”
“It’s okay,” Eepy murmured, nuzzling my cheek. “I’m back now, and everything went just fine. I was never in any danger, we were just helping somepony who was down on his luck get a fresh start.”
Twilight smiled approvingly while Blossom came over to get her share of Flutterhugs. “That's good to hear. I guess I can mark this off on the checklist as another cutie map mission successfully completed.”
“Yeah.” I nodded along, not nearly as enthusiastic about it as Twilight was. “Everything worked out and Fluttershy’s home safe. That's the most important thing.” Though with all these cutie map missions showing up and dragging Fluttershy off to who knew where, I was starting to understand how ponies who married into the Guard felt when their spouses went on deployment. Never would’ve thought I’d be experiencing that from this side of things.
Meanwhile, now that the welcome home hugs were done Fluttershy had finally noticed the bandages covering her friend. “Twilight! You look terrible!” She rushed over to check her out. “What happened to you? Is everything okay?!”
“Oh, this?” Twilight chuckled nervously at Fluttershy’s fussing. “Really, it isn't quite as bad as it looks. The ponies at the hospital were being a bit overzealous since I’m a princess.”
Eepy paused, thinking it over. “Well, if you’ve already been to the hospital and they said everything was okay ... and I suppose you seem fine out here sitting and relaxing. Alright then, but be careful and don’t hurt yourself trying to do too much.”
I gave her a reassuring pat on the back. “Don’t worry, Blossom and I are keeping an eye on her. We ran into her while I was getting my weekly checkup.” I held up a hoof to forestall the inevitable barrage of questions. “Everything’s fine with the kid and me, aside from them saying I need a little more exercise.”
“Alright then.” She hugged me again, one hoof dropping to tenderly stroke my belly. “As long as you’re both okay.”
“And we are,” I concluded. I saw a chance to turn the conversation back to where it had been a little bit ago, and I pounced on it. “So Eepy, would you agree that Twilight’s cute?”
“Oh! Um...” Eepy shot a nervous look Twilight’s way, her cheeks warming up. “Yes, she is. Rarity certainly thinks so, and she's a good judge of that type of thing.”
I grinned at Twilight, who responded by groaning and planting her face on the table. “So ... looks like we’re all in agreement then. Twilight is cute.”
Fluttershy turned to me an unreadable look on her face. “Cloud, what are you up to?”
I chuckled and buffed a hoof on my chest. “Oh, just being my usual mischievous self.”
She smiled and chuckled. “Oh, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that you’re having a bit of fun.” She pecked me on the cheek. “That’s fine, as long as you don’t go too far and end up embarrassing Twilight or making her feel bad.”
“Perish the thought,” I assured her. “All my teasing is gentle, friendly, and ultimately makes ponies feel better about themselves and their appearance. If you think about it, I’m practically performing a public service.”
“Yeah, keep telling yourself that,” Twilight murmured under her breath. Her ears perked up and she turned to Fluttershy. “Oh! Before I forget, there is something I wanted to ask you about.” She grinned sheepishly. “Blossom joked about how Cloud is too out of practice when it comes to flirting, so apparently she’s decided to brush up her skills on me. If we don’t do something to distract her now...”
“Oh yes, once she gets in that mood there’s no stopping her,” Fluttershy agreed, smiling gently at me before turning back to Twilight. “So what did you want to talk to me about?”
Twilight took a finished off the last of her hayburgers with a degree of enthusiasm Storm probably wouldn’t have approved of, then answered her. “I was wondering if you would be interested in doing some consulting for the Long Patrol? You know the local wildlife better than anypony, and with my guard expanding I’m sure they would really like to hear from you.” She grinned and added, “Oh, and for what it’s worth consultants do get paid pretty well. With a foal on the way I’m sure you wouldn’t mind some extra bits.”
She wasn’t wrong. The three of us had decent savings and a very stable income, but a little extra wouldn’t hurt at all. Kids weren’t exactly cheap.
Which is why I was a bit worried when instead of accepting the job, Fluttershy’s smile vanished. “For the Patrol? You’re going to be bringing more of them in?”
Twilight nodded. “Storm and I thought it was pretty important to have a contingent of the Patrol in my guard. What with us being so close to the Everfree, and well...” She pointedly lifted up her bandage-covered leg. “I kinda have a history with monsters.”
Well, nopony could disagree with her about that. If she was going to bring in some more guards, it certainly made sense to pick ponies with practical skills that would be useful for her. Twilight didn’t strike me as the type to want an entire platoon of purely ceremonial Guardponies who did nothing but enforce protocol and stand around looking pretty. Though Storm would probably try to make her get a few of those. “I could see some Patrolponies helping out a lot. You could even start patrolling the Everfree, clear out some of those monsters.”
If I’d been paying a bit more attention to Fluttershy, I probably would’ve noticed the way she frowned at me when I said that.
Twilight smiled at me, pulling out a scroll. “That's what I thought. I've been talking with Applejack, and she says that her and a lot of the other Ponyville farmers would like to carve out a few more acres out of the Everfree. Not to mention there's more than a few laborers in town who wouldn’t mind access to plots of cheap land to make their own instead of just working other ponies’ farms. Naturally, we can’t do any of that until we clear out the monsters in that neck of the woods. Plus most of us have had at least one close call with the Forest’s wildlife—Spike nearly getting eaten by timberwolves, me and Fluttershy with that cockatrice, the cragadile, that hydra...” She grimaced and shook her head, then unrolled the scroll and set it down in front of Fluttershy. “Anyway, I wrote up a quick contract for you while the doctors were waiting on my test results. If you can just sign here and initial here and here, that’ll take care of everything.”
Fluttershy took a deep breath and pushed the scroll back. “Twilight, I’m sure you mean well and I understand some of the creatures can be a bit scary, but the Everfree Forest is their home. We shouldn’t be sending soldiers to go running around their home, or destroying it just so we can have more farmland.”
I blinked in surprise. “Yeah, it’s the home of a whole lot of crazy pony-eating monsters. I’d like to have the Patrol running around even if we didn’t want to expand Ponyville. Considering how many close calls we’ve had in the last couple years...”
Fluttershy frowned at me. “Well maybe if ponies stopped intruding in the Everfree, that wouldn’t happen. If the Patrol starts running around the forest, they’ll...” She trailed off, looking down and to the side.
Blossomforth slowly nodded. “She’s got a point. I am a bit worried about them stirring up trouble. I mean, who knows what sort of creatures are in those woods? Seems like we can’t start a new mine or chop down a few trees without running into some sort of trouble. The last thing we need is to wake up another big evil monster that’s been asleep for thousands of years.”
Twilight sighed and rubbed her forehead. “I know the Everfree can be a bit unpredictable. that’s why I want Fluttershy as a consultant to reduce the number of problems we’ll have. Zecora’s already onboard, and Fluttershy knows nearly as much as she does about the local wildlife. The more information the Patrol has, the easier it’ll be for them to keep everypony safe without causing the creatures too much trouble.”
I shifted what was left of my salad to the side. “Yeah, exactly. And if there are any big nasty monsters waiting in the forest, I’d rather have the Patrol standing by armed and ready when they wake up in a bad mood.”
“Why?” Fluttershy snapped, scowling. “So they can kill any creatures who’re upset that we’re destroying their homes?!”
Twilight blinked in surprise, leaning back in her chair. “Fluttershy, calm down. It’s the Guard's job to protect ponies from those monsters. And you have to know that it’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be. Remember how many times the timberwolves have gone running around Applejack’s farm? Even if we don’t expand, they will.”
Fluttershy shook her head. “If we just tried understanding them instead...”
Twilight frowned at her. “Fluttershy, as the pony who really likes to learn about different types of animals, you have to know that understanding only gets you so far with some creatures. Besides, not everypony has your natural talents for dealing with animals, and as princess I have to think about the safety of everypony who can’t talk down an angry manticore.”
“And the Patrol does try to understand the creatures they deal with,” I pointed out. “They only use force if other ways won’t get the job done. That’s why they want you as a consultant—you’re one of the best ponies around to help them find peaceful solutions.”
Twilight nodded eagerly. “Exactly what Cloud said. It’s not like I’m sending a bunch of extermination squads into the Everfree.”
Fluttershy crossed her forelegs over her chest. “No, you just want to destroy the homes of thousands of animals, then kill them if they fight back instead of meekly accepting it. I’m sorry, but there’s no way I can support that.”
I groaned and massaged my temples to stave off a growing headache. “Eepy, be reasonable. It’s not like we’re talking about clear-cutting the Everfree Forest. Just a tiny bit of expansion and making sure the outskirts are safe. Everfree’s huge—there’ll be plenty of room left.”
Fluttershy shot me a look that made it clear I was in danger of ending up on the couch. “Maybe it’s just a little bit, but then next year you'll want to expand a little bit more. Then a bit more, and some more after that, until...”
Blossom’s eyes flicked around the town square. “She’s not wrong. Ponyville’s been growing pretty steadily, and with Twilight setting up her royal palace it’s probably going to get even bigger over the next couple years.”
Twilight reluctantly nodded. “That ... is true. I know I was planning to build a new barracks for my expanded Guard, and we’ll probably need to add a few support facilities too. And of course that will encourage new businesses to come to Ponyville as well...” Twilight grabbed a napkin and jotted down a couple quick figures. “Still, even if we assumed the most aggressive rate of expansion possible for our model, it would take at least 297 years before we completely clear-cut the Everfree. And of course, that’s only going to happen if we completely ignore the ecological damage that would cause, which we obviously wouldn’t.”
Fluttershy stared down at Twilight’s napkin math, her jaw hanging open. “Twilight, why are you calculating how long it would take to completely destroy the Everfree Forest?”
“It was just a theoretical exercise,” Twilight protested.
Fluttershy’s eyes narrowed. “And how long before it goes from theoretical to something you’d actually want to do? I’m sure you think it would be much more efficient to get rid of that dumb old forest and all the animals in it, so ponies could do something more productive with it.”
“I didn't say that!” Twilight snapped, a hint of a frustrated growl entering her voice. “Now you’re just putting words in my mouth. It’s about as fair as me asking you why you care way more about evil pony-eating monsters than the ponies they eat!”
Fluttershy abruptly got up from her seat, scowling at Twilight. “Excuse me, I think I need to go take care of my animals.” Without another word she abruptly turned about and took off.
Twilight gawked at her departing form. “Fluttershy!”
Blossom sighed, rising from her seat. “I'll go talk to her. Maybe we can work things out once she calms down a bit.”
“Thanks, Blossom.” I ran a hoof through my mane. “That ... didn’t go well at all.”
Twilight groaned, planting her face on the table. “I can’t believe I just got into an argument with Fluttershy. How could I even do that? She’s usually a...” Her hoof waved vaguely through the air, searching for a word. “A ... well she doesn’t get into arguments with ponies.”
I leaned over and sympathetically rubbed her back while Blossom headed after Eepy. “I know Fluttershy’s usually not the arguing type, but taking care of animals is her passion. She can get really worked up if she feels like they’re being treated badly.”
“I guess that shouldn’t be a surprise.” Twilight groaned, slumping down further into her chair. “I didn’t think she’d get so upset over me asking for her help.”
A bright flash of light accompanied by the sound of sad violin music announced the arrival of one of my least favorite beings in Equestria. “Aw, what's the matter? Is the Princess of Friendship having a friendship problem of her own?” Discord slithered down, draping himself across the two unoccupied seats at our table. “That’s such a shame ... though also hilariously ironic.”
Oh great. Him. I groaned and murmured to myself. “Just when I thought things had hit rock bottom...”
Twilight’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What are you doing here, Discord?”
Discord answered with a grin that showed entirely too many teeth. “Just watching how you deal with a friendly disagreement with one of your very best friends. And by the looks of it, not very well.” He tsked, his head morphing into a rather poor imitation of Princess Celestia. “I expected better from you, my faithful student.”
Twilight averted her eyes, crossing her forelegs over her chest. “Friends don’t always agree with each other. It happens. In fact, we recently got a very pointed lesson in exactly how wrong it is to force everypony to have the same opinion.”
I filled in the gap, scowling at our most unwelcome guest. “I hope you're not planning on stirring up any trouble.”
“Who, me?” He raised a claw to his chest while conjuring up a halo over his head. “What on Equestria makes you think that poor little innocent me would want to cause trouble? Besides, you two seem to be more than capable of that without me.”
I didn’t have much patience for Discord’s antics on a good day, and this wasn’t looking good at all. “What do you want, and how do we make you go away?”
“What? Can't I hang out with my good pal, Twilight?” He wrapped one his mismatched arms around Twilight, making her tense up.
She shrugged off his arm, answering through gritted teeth. “I wasn't aware we were pals.”
“Why Twilight, I'm hurt.” A preposterous number of fake tears spilled from his eyes, until our table was floating in a small lake. “After all that work you put into reforming me, you still don’t trust me?”
If not for the fact that it wouldn’t do any good, I might’ve tried throwing something at his head. “Can’t exactly fault her for not trusting her when the last time she actually gave you a chance, the result was you selling all her friends out to Tirek.”
“A temporary lapse in judgement, I assure you.” One of Discord’s talons swooped down to scoop up what was left of my salad. “I'm a recovering villain. You can’t just offer me a chance to be evil and expect me to always turn it down. That's like offering liquor to an alcoholic—you really have nobody to blame but yourself for what happens next.”
I growled and scraped up one last bite of my meal. “That’s not true at all, I can blame you. Now either get to the point or leave us alone.”
“Now now, don't be like that,” Discord chided. “I'm just trying to have a friendly chat. After all, you're an item with my very best friend Fluttershy, so the two of us really ought to get along. It’s not like you need her more upset with you than she is already.”
I really wasn’t in the mood for this. “And why exactly would I went to spend any time with an inconsiderate backstabbing jerk?”
“Oh, I’m inconsiderate?” Discord threw his mismatched arms up to the heavens. “That’s rich coming from somepony who wakes me up a dozen times a night flushing the toilet. Obviously it’s not an issue for you, but some of us need our beauty sleep.” Discord’s features suddenly sagged, making his look even uglier than usual. “See what happens when you don’t think of others, Cloud Kicker?” He shook his head, returning his face to normal. “Is this the thanks I get after all that help I've given to Fluttershy?” He crossed his arms over his chest. “Not to mention that in all the time I’ve been in Ponyville, you haven’t flirted with me once.”
“I think it has something to do with the 'inconsiderate backstabbing jerk' problem,” Twilight shot back dryly.
“And the fact that I have standards,” I added in.
“That's debateable with the slop you're eating.” He snapped his talons, and what was left of my salad transformed into a huge bowl of gruel.
Alright, time to break out his one big weakness. “Hey Discord, what do you think Fluttershy would say about you taking away the food my growing foal needs?”
His eyes narrowed, but I had him beat and he knew it. “Oh fine then, ruin the fun.” He snapped again and restored my salad to the exact state it had been in before he stole it. “Though really, that meal is so chaotic it doesn’t even have any class.”
I scoffed. “What would you know about class?” I would’ve grumbled at him a bit more, but my stomach demanded I put more food in it, and I obliged it.
“Class? Why I know everything about class, my dear pernunky pregnant purple pony.” With another flash of light, he changed our comfortable little cafe table to a perfect replica of the huge table in Celestia’s banquet hall. Another flash put Twilight and I in fancy dresses, and himself in a tuxedo. “Classy enough for you?”
Twilight closed her eyes and her horn lit up, reversing his magic after several seconds of concentration. “Discord, what are you up to?”
He sighed and shook his head. “Why must you always be so suspicious of me?”
“Precedent.”
I mentally congratulated Twilight on a great one-liner before piling on. “Less games, and more getting to the point before we find out if Twilight's learned any new spells that could make your life unpleasant.”
“Oh fine.” He pointedly turned his back on us. “I can tell when I’m not wanted.” He twisted his head around in a way that reminded me of Twilight’s pet owl. “I suppose I’ll just go comfort dear Fluttershy instead. I hope she’s not too upset about Twilight’s plans to have the Long Patrol go stomping all over cute little bunnies and kittens so she can build a shopping mall, or whatever it is she’s planning.” He disappeared with one last flash of light, leaving us mercifully alone.
Once I was reasonably certain he wasn’t coming back, I growled and shook my head. “What a jerk.”
Twilight sighed and nodded. “You're telling me. I know he’s supposed to be reformed, and I guess there are one or two times when he can be a bit funny, but honestly I can't stand him most of the time.”
“You think that's bad?” I shot back. “Try living with him.”
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Timing! A chapter of New Life for the New Year.
Hopefully it's better than the last. The year I mean, the story is great. Nice to see Discord is frankly acknowledged to be the massive asshat that he really is. And ooooh. NastyShy. Always fun when she comes for a visit.
Actually Sunbeam Sparkle was an impeccable dancer. Midnight was the first to bear that particular trait.
I'm sure What's in a Name will tell us eventually...
Thanks for the reference to The Umbral Shard. The drama is certainly picking up here and in some fun ways. I look forward to seeing how it works out.
7833623 Hey Ponibius. Any plans for a sequel to The Study of a Winning Pony? I'd love to see if Luna decides to try hooking Celestia and Twilight up or takes a shot at Twilight herself!
Great chapter! I can only imagine how much being pregnant is affecting someone who enjoyed being in shape and having a lot of ponies to sleep with.
Dat salad though.... She just ate the Discord of salads... while having a conversation with Discord. Hmmm. Anyways lets hope there bathroom has a good fan
7833888
I'm considering it, and I certainly plan on writing more Winningverse stories. I would just need to figure out the right story to do as a follow up, since there are a few different options I could run with. That and I don't want to step on the toes of New Life, since one of my issues with Study was that I was writing a long story concurrent with the Life and Times of a Winning Pony, and that led to several issue. So it's a matter of a few different things coming together before I actually start writing.
And now we arrive at the reason I cannot stand Fluttershy in canon. Whenever there's an issue between where ponies live and where animals decide THEY now own, Fluttershy always stands up for the animals.
Like with the beaver that was flooding Sweet Apple Acres (can be quite fatal for the entire property and one of the largest food suppliers for Ponyville that we knew of - also more or less meaning the end of her family), Fluttershy made AJ apologize to the damn thing for calling it a varmint which it objectively is, and then just let it go with apparently cussing out AJ in beaver-speak. After nearly killing her trees.
Or... Bats. Just, all of Bats. The writers just make Fluttershy always right in the end whenever someone disagrees with her, the fact she alone is always right in these situations where she chooses aggressively-expanding animal populations over her friends who've fought at her side and protected her and helped her out of her shell and would die for her is just... that's not a good character. All she has going for her is 'cute', and that's not enough for good writing.
If it was up to Fluttershy Ponyville wouldn't be on the map anymore. Certainly wouldn't be any ponies left alive.
Best new year's gift ever, this update.
Great chapter! And I am curious about the map mission Fluttershy was on. I've noticed that map missions are usually more important than just helping people work through some problems. The first mission resulted in the Mane Six breaking the brainwashing of Starlights village, Pinkie and Rainbow set the stage for revitalizing the broken and decayed nation of Griffinstone, Pinkie and Rarity probably started a cultural revolution in Canterlot, Twilight and Fluttershy ended a centuries long blood feud, and so on. Very interested in how this conflict with Fluttershy not wanting more aggressive tactics in the Everfree will pan out. She might be able to get some ponies to support her ideas, and she does have the immortal Spirit of Chaos in her corner no matter what. I eagerly await the rest of this story!
Twilight is dying! She's Dying! That's the only reason I can think for her to not want to read!
I've got to say I'm towards Fluttershy's side of the argument. From what we've seen it's not actually that frequent for harmful monsters to just wander into town and start smashing stuff (The Bugbear is the one that springs to mind although it might have had a grudge against Bon Bon, maybe the parasprites and the vampire fruit bats). Most of the time there are monster issues ponies wonder into their homes (Manticore, cockatrice, hydra, poison joke.)
I'm surprised Cloud hasn't been at least slightly tempted to make a move on Discord at some point, how can she resist the guy who can literally do and be anything (I'm mostly joking).
Well... On the plus side, at least Twilight isn't just blindly accepting the magic table...?
I'd maybe have more sympathy for Fluttershy if we didn't know that at least some of the pony-eating monsters around (if in the swamp not the forest) do it pretty deliberately. (See: Chimera...)
Hmn. That recent Ponibius Twilight & guards side story, maybe? I still need to read that.
Yeah, sounds like it.
Man, they really misjudged Fluttershy's reaction to this Everfree plan. Instead of being a consultant, she's gonna go to tie herself to a manticore or something.
Precedent, that is a great one-liner.
Importing issue, I assume?
Timeskip? Makes sense, having us go through all of the pregnancy would be bothersome, and lets us focus on the more interesting parts. I'm a bit sad we didn't get to learn of Blossom, Cloud and Flutter's living arrangements yet, aside from them living together now. I wonder if they've already started planning the potential new buildings around there. Looking forward to maybe hearing more about that as the story proceeds.
I wasn't expecting The Umbral Shard to happen concurrently with this story, but it does help figuring out where it stands in the Winningverse timeline. Huge spoilers here, nopony dies but some of them get a bit beat up! Heh, the interconnectedness is one of the things I really enjoy about it, even when it's just small mentions here and there.
Another thing I certainly wasn't expecting was the conflict in this chapter! Flutters does have a point, sure, but she is being a bit too extreme here. It's going to be interesting to see where you take this.
Okay Fluttershy you need a lesson. Not everythign in the Everfree forrest is safe to have, also you KNOW Twilight, she studies the outcome of every senerio. Sorry Flutteshy really rubs me wrong in this chapter, it's both in yet out of character to me. I hated Bats and most of the time I thought she was a bit better in circle of life thign.
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If we assume animals are sapient but less intelligent than ponies, though, than it's reasonably to expect a pony like Applejack to keep her temper in check, whereas you might not expect the same from the animal; it's why we don't hold adults and children to the same standards of behaviour. A child acting childish, even if it's unpleasant, is not nearly as bad as an adult acting childish.
And Fluttershy did reprimand the Beavers to a degree in that case.
As this very chapter points out, though, friends can have disagreements, and without her standing up for what she believes, Fluttershy would be a very shallow character indeed.
And, arguably, Fluttershy is also helping Applejack since the increased production from the apple trees as a result of allowing the bats to eat the fruits directly benefits her. This sort of thing isn't uncommon in the real world either, where short term goals don't produce as good as results as longer term plans, even if the latter is more difficult. A good example of this is slash-and-burn farming, which is rarely effective and never sustainable over the long term, largely because tropical forest soils don't actually have much in the way of nutrients in them to begin with, and they soil is only good for a harvest or two before it's abandoned.
Fluttershy is totally right in saying that once you cut down a little bit, there's always the temptation to cut down a little bit more, and a little bit more, and ....
Of course the flip side is that her passion for protecting the animals gets in the way of thinking of protecting the ponies. Obviously a compromise needs to be made, as always.
And I'm calling it now -- Cloud is having twins!
I felt bad for poor Twilight when Cloud brought up Fluttershy in teasing her, what with knowing that Twilight was attracted to Flutters and got shot down pretty definitively when she asked her out (in Study of a Winning Pony). I figure it's likely that Cloud had no idea, but still... ouch.
As for Fluttershy, I suspect it would do her well to think of ponies as just another animal of Equestria. As others have noted, all kinds of animals expand their territories when their populations rise, and that causes conflicts with other species (see "Bats"). Rather than getting pissed off at ponies for doing the same because they should simply "know better", she needs to use her talents in searching for a resolution. Still, It's probably good for others to see that it's a serious matter to her and that they can't just hoof-wave away her concerns without angering her.
I was a bit surprised at Twilight's outright hostility towards Discord. Sure, it's what he's almost always deserved in regards to how he treats her, but I don't think that we've ever seen her reach this level of straight out being done putting up with him in the show. Hell, even the instance with Tirek and the (horrible, to me) "What About Discord?" Episode ended with Twilight showing some kindness/warmth to him. Makes me wonder where exactly this falls.
It also makes me wonder about Tree Hugger. I feel like Cloud would approve of Fluttershy getting close to a nude model/free spirit. Of course, with Blossomforth bringing up the open relationship thing, I also wonder if any of them besides Cloud consider taking advantage of it.
Thinking a bit more about this, it's very, very easy to understand Twilight's stance on the Everfree and the monsters within, especially after what she had just gone through.
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Yeah...
Well, I too can't see a way why Twi would think that Shy would be okay with all of that. Or well, I do. The problem was with how Twi was phrasing all of that. All Twi was talking about was taking from the forest and animals and not giving anything back. Pretty much how it is on Earth, except Shy has a good head on her neck.
And while Discord can appear insufferable at times, I think that some just dislike him on principle. He's trying, give him a break. Also, reformed villain. Can't expect miracles immediately
Cloud's in a lot of trouble. Twi probably even more so. Probably should think a bit more - Shy did have a great point of the creatures of the Everfree not being as dangerous to the ponies as they were if there weren't any trespassings.
Two sides to each coin, and a pretty big conundrum to solve. The worst kind of a situation is where both parties are right, but because of their conviction aren't really willing to make a compromise, or even better, come up with a better solution together.
A little too much flexibility.
Score one for realistic equine biology!
This makes it sound like she's a bugpony.
*draws in breath*
Oh whew.
You shut your mouth, you're just jealous of these moves.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/Twilight%20Sparkle%20Party%20hard.gif
Hey now, Cloud, don't go flirting with your cousin's girlfriend.
"Just kidding, ha ha. ... but hypothetically..."
In fairness, most of those wake up on their own.
Cloud and Twilight are kinda the jerks here.
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Maybe a bit, although Discord is, well, Discord. And Fluttershy was definitely overreacting. They wanted to bring her on as a consultant and she ramped it up to "You just want to burn down the whole forest!" pretty quickly.
7850257 Fluttershy did overreact a bit but when Discord left they said "What a jerk". He legitimately just wanted to talk to them about what just happened, he tried acting friendly to them and they were just rude to him.
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... bombastically neutral (uncontrollable shuddering)
if you pay attention, that is basically how most of the canonical in-the-show scenes with discord and the main six (minus fluttery) go, when he isn't being a villain. He dangles the barest hint of a topic which, if the ponies were actually interested in, would be rather telling or useful, but he always waits to see how everyone else reacts before actually getting to the point. Everyone gets distracted by their dislike of discord and so they miss the point. So, yeah, they were being dicks, but he was doing something so much worse. He was being
also known as being a troll. The good kind of troll that is actually a troll who is doing something that could be seen as metaphorically similar to the act of trolling for fish and not merely a bad person who hates everything
though also possably a bad person who hates everything. That's the point. You can't tell.
7900934 Actually she's married to that diamond dog.
I want to say it id dissy's influence, but I am not sure.
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When I first read friendship and the magic of pegging, I didn't see the rest until I reread it three times either.