Red Bullseye was Captain of the Wonderbolts til a fateful day where he lost everything he loved in only moments. Can he fix everything he lost, even if he does can he protect it or die trying?
This is my very first MLP FiMfiction I hope everypony enjoys it. Based on Dash Academy by SorcerusHorserus. I once uploaded this story before but I forgot the name I used it under so I'm here to republished it and continue my work. If you are gonna dislike it then atleast explain why so I can improve on the story.
Chapters (5)
No idea if you want any critique/advice on this, but here I am anyway! I'll point bits out as i go along.
Something immediately apparent is the repetition you've got going on. "Counter" is mentioned three times in this very short space, including once in the dialogue - if you mention a word in dialogue, it's best to try and avoid using it again in the same paragraph, unless we're talking about large paragraphs. Time gaps, you see.
Needs more commas, also that typo. You also seem to be introducing things like "a thing is happening/a thing is here" a lot, which isn't a good thing to overuse. It works at the start of this sentence, but not much in the previous quote; "from behind the bar top" "along with a loud pound from the owner's hoof" would be replacements for the "a"s.
"Corrupt" is a pretty odd word to use at this point. This is probably just a small detail, but nonetheless pretty important to consider. You've established that they're in Manehatten, which is fine, but you didn't describe anything beyond that about the setting. What about their surroundings makes it corrupt? The bar? The general attitude? If it turns out that Manehatten in this story is actually full of outright corruption then this is a bit more forgivable. Be careful with what words you use to describe your setting, and when you use them.
You could make this paragraph and many other parts of the story flow better if you make use of what the audience already knows. By which I mean: The readers already know both of them are pegasi, so you could skip out on saying "the pegasus named Light", which looks awkward, and replace it with simply "the other pegasus", or even just "making Light cringe". Readers already know the names of both characters, so no need to repeat that introduction in the description, just saying the name on its own works fine. Likewise, you can use this as a way to cut down on how much you repeat words - we know they're in a bar after the first mention of the word, so the audience doesn't need to be reminded.
That "He" should be "he". When adding a "he said/she said" thing after dialogue, don't start it as if it's a new sentence, because it technically isn't. No idea why, but that's the way writing is. Anyway... if a sentence that would end with a period has a "he said" after it, that period needs to be replaced with a comma, because the end of the sentence is now technically after the "he said", and whatever follows like: "blur blur blur," he said as he whizzed around on the floor, trying his best to offer critique.
Err... hope that all helps you in future. I've only just reached the flashback transition bit, but I'm always happy to share my knowledge :) Good look with this!
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Noted, at first I didn't get what you ment by the whole counter thing til I read it over a few times. But yeah I get ya, to be honest this chapter was written a little after I became a brony more then a year ago. It has been hidden away since then, and I just decided to start writing again but I wanted to finish this story before beginning my next project.
But thank you for the input I'll make sure to reread my next few chapters for mistakes.
~SunsetintoDawn~