A Sorrowful Start

There was once an ass unfortunately named Ass Ass. The word ass had taken on several meanings at that point, none of which were good. His father who was an ass, as well as somewhat ignorant, decided that his son should take the name Ass.

So it was that silly little schoolchildren said it with relative impunity as to be asses towards the teachers. It also meant butt or rear end, and typically caused large rounds of giggling among rowdy teenagers, who parents always wanted to put down, but couldn’t quite bring themselves to do so. It doubled as a source of consternation as well, as ASS (Angle, Side, Side) in triangles meant that it required much more work to solve, as two solutions were often possible. It was a pain in the ass to deal with on tests, and screams of pain could often be heard when dealing with that. The word also meant rude, but the ass, Ass Ass, was never rude. Nor did he try to be a source of consternation.

Yet, the connotations stuck with him anyway. He could never get an interview, for the moment anypony glanced at his resume, they were both appalled, and convinced that he was an especially witty troll, making an ass of himself. It didn’t help that his main address was in Assville as well, like Ponyville, except for asses. Except for the fact that vandals spray painted graffiti asses onto the brick walls, and soon, the wrong sort of asses had become the majority in the town.

Gradually, the town lost its population of asses, and was nearing bankruptcy, as most of the residents were unemployed. The mayor, who just so happened to also be an ass, was determined to make things better. She was willing to pay any cost, and was out for blood, looking for anypony to pin the blame on. Assville needed the employed to move in and start paying the taxes fast. When she heard of one ass who couldn’t even get an interview, she jumped on the opportunity.

Of course, such an ass was unlikely to be very safe, so the mayor needed some guards to escort her. Every application she sent was rejected though, as the pencil pushers did not appreciate being forced to read ass so many times, and were more preoccupied kissing nobility’s asses, in order to move up in stature, and gain fortune. This meant that for now, Ass was perfectly fine where he was, and wouldn’t be be bothered, even though he wasn’t the badass that his title would implicate. It wasn’t that he was a coward either. Nopony could call him a bad ass.

So he lived in his quaint residence, growing poorer and poorer. Of course, there was always the option of going out to graze, although it was a practice that was frowned upon, and only made the opinions that he was an ass even worse. More and more asses wanted to kick him out. Eventually, the mayor had enough residents to sign a petition in favor of kicking Ass out.

Still, the government delayed on dealing with the issue. Not that it helped Ass that much. He had to suffer through the jeering calls that somehow hurt a lot, even though it was his real name. His dreamed turned into nightmares, yet he persevered, since it was his home town. The clock was ticking down, as the government could not ignore the rapidly growing petition. It didn’t really fare too well in queue though, as some of the signatures were from ponies notorious for crime.

Days passed, and the residents grew violent. Rocks, sharp and hard, flew through the air on a regular basis through his window, or at him. Since he was insured as required by law, it was cheap enough to fix the window, but it was difficult to find the bits, and he was steadily growing thinner, as he had less time to graze. A rock managed to find his face, yet he continued. Even though his name had become his prison, he endured.

When the government finally arrived at Ass’ residence, they were especially appalled and offended by the crass name that had been thrown to him by his father. Judged to be one of the most corrupting to the town’s reputation, the ass was finally thrown out and barred entry. The fact that his criminal record was clean had no bearing. No matter how much he begged and pleaded, it was no use. It was with a sad heart that Ass left the town, despite his various good aspects. He had heard that Ponyville was more accepting than other towns, and hoped that the kind residents would take him in.

As he walked along the dirt road, he felt the tears begin to drip from his eyes. He hadn’t been an ass to any of them, yet they treated him like this. He had tried his best to be kind, gentle, and friendly. Not a part of his soul was rude, rough, or disagreeable. All it was was the name that he had taken from his father. Despite his betrayal, he couldn’t bring himself to spite anypony, not even with the colloquial Celestia. Not even his father that had given him the name that brought so much pain.

Trailing him on the dirt road was a lot of salty water. It made the road slippery, causing those that followed him to slip up and make an ass of themselves. All around the world, ponies cursed Ass unintentionally, as they landed on their asses, hitting the ground hard. He would’ve apologized, but his morals told him not to look back. If he was to move on, he would move on. Many long nights later, Ass was on the outskirts of Ponyville, somewhat exhausted and in need of a nice break.

In the distance a wooden sign, freshly made, showed a large apple. Ass Ass was ready to begin his new life.

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