The answer is pretty simple though, do you want to be the girl who is with the man she loves or do you want to be the girl who everyone assumes is only there for sex. Granny smith never even considered Deepy would want anything else and railroaded her into a situation where her body betrayed her.
just remember this Deepy:
"No, it's not you. I'm... really a slut. I love sucking cock so much, I just can't help myself. Every other relationship I've had before ended because I couldn't keep myself to just one stallion. I don't want to hurt you like that. You're really a special guy, and you deserve better." He nodded. But in a moment of strength, he said, "I don't care." "What?" "I don't want to be cheated on, but you're the only mare that's ever noticed me. If you're going to hurt me, that's fine. I wish you wouldn't but I still want to try. If it happens, I'll deal with it then."
Gizmo's a strong guy, he'll understand a moment of weakness.
7102025 He said he wanted to try. He admitted that he'd still be hurt if she cheated, but that he didn't truly know how he'd feel until it happened. There's a big difference between how you think you'll react to something, and how you actually react when it does happen.
Just make it an open relationship. I'm pretty sure there are tons of couples where one can't be sexually pleased by the other but find it with others. Sex is just sex, it doesn't have to be some deep thing. Making love, however, is something else entirely. Sex is just fucking, but making love is the most physical way of expressing one's feelings for another.
A kind reminder from your local Good Writing Council that NEEDLESS BULLSHIT DRAMA IS NOT GOOD WRITING. Never has been, never will be. You can come get your membership card back when you post a chapter that isn't contrived and awful.
7102299 Please explain the difference between "needless drama" and plot. Stories require conflict, and good characters require growth. Unless you'd prefer me to return to mindless clop. Because that's certainly good storytelling, right?
No, they don't. This kind of thing is exactly what I'm talking about! Many of the world's best stories are not actually conflict-based or have even a drop of it, and good stories not have this kind of bullshit. The idea that stories somehow need conflict and drama is just a bad habit passed down from ineffectual writing teachers and dusty manuals. The difference between well-written conflict and needless drama is that needless drama does not actually fit into the framework of the story it's in. It comes out of nowhere, contradicts existing character actions and motivations, and serves only to fulfill some imagined 'quota' inflicted on the writer by bad teachers or bad habits. This fits all of those points perfectly: In a story that was otherwise an intelligent and positive look at how a character can be sexually needful (and aggressive in fulfilling those needs) and still be a good person with a stable relationship, this chapter hinges on basically throwing all of that into the garbage, and the rest of the story with it. The actions of this chapter run directly counter to everything we've seen and had established about our main character over the length of the story, without any actual reason other than "The writer wanted to insert drama for their own sake".
"you'd prefer me to return to mindless clop."
If the alternative is this? Yes. Yes I would.
"Because that's certainly good storytelling, right?"
Certainly better than this! And that's not a joke or hyperbole, I literally mean it's superior storytelling. It has a goal, it accomplishes that goal, it has no pretenses or false logic trying to force it in other directions, and it wraps up succinctly.
In summary: This story would have been fantastic if it had wrapped up last chapter. Now it can only hope to try and recover from what you have done to it, out of some pointless desire to add badly-written un-established character-inverting drama where it didn't belong.
(A final note: This whole schpiel is NOT to say this couldn't have been a dramatic story or that this turn of events couldn't work ever. This exact kind of situation could have been done well in theory, but it would have required things. Things like... more setup and establishment in previous chapters, a better explanation for why it happened, a main character who is represented differently and would actually make these decisions, and a lot of other adjustments. That would have been functional, correctly-implemented drama. This is needless drama.)
7102045 I don't think its at the point where they need an open relationship, its heavily implied that was Gizmo's first time, so yeah of course he sucked. Give the guy a chance to improve. Deepy has avoided relationships before now so she's probably never really noticed that she can't control herself some times, now she knows and she can work on that too.
Well this chapter was... descriptive. (EDIT: In terms of details, not plot I think it's clear that the former took most of the room leaving little for the latter this time.)
"Really? Anything I want?" he asked. "Of course. As long and hard as you like."
You should probably not say this kind of thing in a regular basis, even if you don't mind pain, even if you don't mind being completely wracked. Just in case you are really not having a good time, everyone should be able to stop if needed.
heavy balls impacting like iron against her thighs,
Iron balls?
Ouch!
He pounded her g-spot, a magical secret that no stallion had ever had the length to reach or the positional advantage to unlock. Until now.
Here is my head-canon for this. Deepy's g-spot it's actually in her womb and Big Mac simply pound her so deep that the thing opened up while they were doing it so naturaly that felt quite special.
Also, this chapter gave me an insight on Deepy's mentality. Judging by this chapter I would say she is the kind of pony that lives at the present meaning who lets her actions be guided by her internal ID AKA her instant gratification monkey.
Which reminds me...
She felt more animal than pony, her tongue lolling out of her
She felt more animal than pony,
more animal than pony
more animal than pony,
I just like to take a second to point out how strange or normal this sentence feels to whomever is reading this.
7102546 Well, when you take into account that ponies are the predominant sapient species in their world but there are still a number of creatures that operate purely on instinct it makes perfect sense. (Though I admit that I myself might use the word beast in place of animal.)
needless drama does not actually fit into the framework of the story it's in.
A character that is known to have an extremely high sex drive and regularly has sexual encounters with multiple other characters in the same day attempts to pursue a monogamous relationship and you DON'T see a situation like this coming from a mile away? The are you on?
BTW: Can you give me one well known story, movie, play, or other piece of fiction that DOESN'T have some form of conflict? Because I daresay that such a thing does not exist.
I love you, and your writing, but the drama/cheating feels like it was a bit forced. There was no preamble, no buildup, no reason; it felt like it was put there for the sake of padding the story, rather than advancement of the character.
Deepy's relationship with Gizmo is already leaning toward one sided. What good is a relationship if both sides aren't willing to work for it?
She tries to fight against the perception that she is just some common whore, that she is above her instincts. Well, I guess all that progress is worth nothing if she can't grow enough of a spine to cut off an old person before they get the wrong idea.
She feels like a piece of shit at the end of the chapter, and she should. Actions have consequences, and she isn't above them.
I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish and maybe I just don't get it, in which case I need some explaining. It just feels needless at this point.
I'm more disappointed, than anything.
I think you could have built this up better, give more of a reason why. Laid more cards on the table so she doesn't read like an adulterer. I've seen what you can do, and you can do better than this. -------- Also, for Christ's sake, add a drama tag.
It doesn't seem to be touched on in the comments so far, but Deepy is the absolute worst kind of lover.
Not because of the cheating, but because she just laid there like a dead fish while a fresh virgin thrashed around and wasted her time. She didn't give him any feedback, and I doubt he'd know to take her silence as feedback. Being his first time and all. Then she turned him down when he tried to finish her off, might have even been able to go through the refractory period while he did and give her another round.
And yes, I'm completely at peace with the fact that I'm being serious about relationships in a piece of fapfiction featuring two ponies.
7102517 That's true, but how long will that take? Gizmo (from what's implied) has had no sexual experience before Deepy came along. Building up his sexual stamina and becoming proficient at sexual techniques isn't something that can be developed overnight. It could take months before he's even close to being ready. And until then? Should Deepy just lock away her own needs to 'stay true' to Gizmo? Everyone has needs and it would be pretty cruel to ask her to suck it up (no pun intended) until Gizmo is good enough to pleasure her on his own. She should tell him, and help him. Otherwise he'll eventually find out on his own and then it will end badly for all involved.
Most competent slice of life stories. Almost anything short by Spider Robinson. A lot of the works of Milne. A good number of Pratchett's short works. A lot of big arcs in American and European comics, including some of the storylines in Sandman. The core plot of Do. A few video games (I'd have to dredge for titles, although I could argue in favor of Dr. Langeskov) Significant swathes of the entire Japanese literary landscape both ancient (poetic nature stories from the 30s) and modern (comedic SoL pieces like Azumanga Daio). A decent chunk of the content on this very website. Arguably, this story up until now.
I could keep going, but I think I've more than proven my point: Just because you are ignorant of something's existence doesn't mean it magically ceases to be. The world is not solipsistic, and stories that are not driven by conflict are a thing.
7102690 You have a valid point. The defense i present is Deepy's awareness of Gizmo's lack of confidence and predilection to being overaccomodating. Deepy wants to train Gizmo into being a stallion equal to his stallionhood, but has her work cut out for her; there are a lot of ways where Deepy could accidentally make herself the dominant partner, so playing it passive and supporting with indirect nudges is the currently visible safe path.
The end goal is coming home to get spontaneously plowed by a stallion whose body language won't take no for an answer, while loving the mind behind the plowing for being willing to say otherwise out of love in return.
7102516 I think you might be a little too harsh about this. But I get what you are saying, you are upset about this turn of events, you made that message very clear.
Now I will proceeded to express my take on this and criticize this plot turn in a slightly more objective way because I do see a point in criticizing this while at the same time I don't feel it undermines the story so strongly.
I agree that a story does not need conflict to work and there was no need to add this exact conflict into it.
Standard orthodox storytelling usually includes a conflict in most formats and conflict could very well add something good to this story that would make it feel more significant as a whole. With that said it's possible that the author could have choosen a better conflict for the story and also to have executed this one more effectively.
Not to say that it is bad, but it does have some aspects that are worth criticizing.
The first one I Iike to mention would be how predictable this conflict is bound to be. Following standard storytelling has the drawback of being predictable, and there is only so many ways this could end up, and when a story it's just stating to follow with the motions then it's when I start to skim faster and faster to get through the dull events. Keeping up on content density it's something worth keeping in mind for any writing to avoid that.
The next point would be how it undermines the way in which our main character has matured and come to terms with who she is by this point. She is portrayed to have come to struggle with her own fidelity and resolved her relationship smoothly. So it doesn't appear that she would need to grow from this situation if she does then it seems like she has regressed in terms of character maturity and that's not something that helps the story.
The conflict that I personally expected for this story to focus on would be how society interacts and responds to Deepy. That could still come up later in the story tho, I'm just bringing it up because that conflict would be much more appropriate in comparison for the seating that it's in place. Assuming some other conflict would indeed come up later, then this isolated event wouldn't be needed even in a standard story format.
Now I think drama on the part of Gizmo works well and it would add a nice touch to the overall story depending on how it's executed, it's just Deepy who seems to be a little off character at the end of this chapter. I get that she felt very much in love with Gizmo and the struggle between love and lust; but a post coital breakdown it's not just unbecoming, it's also off-pace for the mature experienced and intelligent mare that Deepy's has been portrayed to be thus far.
Now don't get me wrong, I bought it, but I can see why someone else wouldn't. It was sudden and different from anything shown in the story thus far.
Now about this bit,
needless drama does not actually fit into the framework of the story it's in. It comes out of nowhere, contradicts existing character actions and motivations
, I can see how this conflict fits in the framework of the story, I knew during the entire chapter that this conflict was being built, and while I would say it stretches the character features I wouldn't say it contradicts them in this case. Thought I should mention that.
Lastly I will say that I only mean to give constructive feedback that might help improve the story. I actually enjoyed this chapter from start to finish while I didn't think much of the drama.
7102608 I know, but I find it funny how normal it feels for me to interpret the word pony as that of a sapient creature by this point.
7102763 But that isn't Gizmo, as she remembered him after her affair she treasured who he was. Timid, cute, near worshipful of her, passionate about her and sharing his interests with her. He will never be the stallion that will pull her hair, bend her over, slap her ass, bite her neck, and whisper in her ear, 'I love you' all while thrusting in a steady rhythm and hitting all her spots. At least not during his very first time. And probably not ever since what confidence he got from being with her is shot to shit the second she tells him that sex with him was so godawful that she ran to go get some real dick as soon as she could.
The whole reason that he may be open to forgiving her in the first place is that she is literally the best he could ask for, if not all he could get. Infidelity and all.
Edit: 7102651 Well the reason was obvious, actual sex with Gizmo is a joyless chore. A very intimate joyless chore, but a joyless chore nonetheless.
Love is a difficult thing to obtain and even more so to keep. Every relationship has its troubles and problems. What is important is the question is it worth it? Gizmo won't be happy obviously, but I think he'll forgive her, eventually. But if Deepy really wants this to last, then changes have to be made. I see two possibilities. The first is she seeks therapy for her nymphomania, I know it seems glorified in media, but it is still an addiction, just as detrimental as smoking and alcohol. The second, she and Gizmo explore other intimate areas. Swingers, multiple partners, orgies whatever they are comfortable with. Those are just my ideas, but if things don't change, this relationship in its current state won't last.
You know, after reading through the chapter again I have to admit the cheating does feel very sudden and somewhat forced. The first section of the chapter describes in some detail how she does truly, genuinely love Gizmo and how she really wants to be with him. It shows a massive growth in her character from where she used to be (sucking every dick in her general area) and into a mare with her urges under control and with a strong desire to not hurt the one she loves. She lets Gizmo take her vaginally for the first time, which is implied to be a big thing since they've been together for "a few months" and still haven't done it yet; then literally the next morning she's run off and fucked Big Mac.
It shows us that no, Deepy hasn't really developed and 'matured' at all because she's still ready and willing to drop it all as soon as some hot dick that knows what it's doing shows up. Which is IMO very disappointing and wrecks the significance of the past couple of chapters after a lifetime of sexual abandon.
She also offers very little resistance to Granny Smith. It says that Granny walked to the barn before she could do anything, but the barn entrance is pretty much the whole length of the place from the front door and Granny moves at the speed of erosion. Why didn't Deepy go 'hold up that's nice and all but I have a coltfriend now' while Granny was silently crawling her way along?
7102516 Think I understand what you're saying. Before Gizmo happened, this story was about "the life and times of Deepthroat Cockslut," sort of giving us a peek at this originally-a-joke character's sex life as she faced the common trials and tribulations of growing up. Every chapter had been self-contained and drama wasn't prominent. Now we've got typical love-lust drama that just kind of comes out of nowhere and changes the whole tone of this story.
I disagree about it being "badly written" though, because it certainly isn't, but I think the drama probably could have been saved for another story, or perhaps a side story. The last two chapters just feel out of place. Not bad writing I don't think, but just a strange decision to turn what was originally a humorous story into a dark one, at least as of this chapter.
Like... what I'm reading here is supposed to make me feel bad about what happened and make me feel for the protagonist, but then I realize that the protagonist's name happens to be Deepthroat Cockslut and I can't take it that seriously anymore.
Still, let's at least wait until the next chapter or two come out before we make judgements. We have no idea what the author could pull.
And probably not ever since what confidence he got from being with her is shot to shit the second she tells him that sex with him was so godawful that she ran to go get some real dick as soon as she could.
This can't be said enough. --- Also, my favorite thing about this character was that, despite all the sex and debauchery, she was always mindful not hurt anyone. But now, after all that, she completely betrays her ideals because someone waves a dick in her face? Why? What changed? This really feels straight out of left field.
This chapter was one of the best chapters I have ever seen for character development both in fanfiction and actual novels, so keep up the good work Hardcover
After re-reading this chapter, I think this needs a drama tag. Mainly because of Deepy's betrayal of trust. I still like her as a character but I do feel more sympathetic for Gizmo than I do for Deepy. I really hope their relationship don't completely crumble because it'll be shame if their relationship just ended like that. Excellent writing as always but right now Gizmo really needs a hug. Deepy though, I know that she doesn't intend to hurt him this way but honestly speaking this sudden tone change feels a little bit out there. It's great for characters' dilemmas and hidden depths but man did this turn for the worse for both characters' situation.
7103428 But it throws half of Deepy's previous characterisation straight out the window. She learned that sleeping around without checking if they're in a relationship hurts ponies and vowed never to sleep with somepony in one. She saw the hurt and pain it caused and this affected her so deeply she never broke her rule, not even once.
Yet when she gets into her own relationship she just falls on Mac's dick ten seconds after meeting him for the second time? It wasn't even her irrepressible desire to suck dicks that's been the defining feature of her life. She just straight-up fucked him then and there and didn't give him a blowjob until after they'd been going at it for hours. And on top of that this is mere hours after her 'first time' with Gizmo, which she herself considers:
...the most meaningful, intimate moments of her entire life.
It flies in the face of everything she's stood for so far. You can't even really say 'well the sex with Gizmo wasn't so great' when this is the description of her experience sucking Gizmo's dick the first time they met:
Deepthroat Cockslut came. With her marehood spasming, gushing female juices onto the sheets below, Deepthroat Cockslut came. With every muscle in her body clenching, her arms and legs jerking and her gut wrenching, everything inside of her like fireworks, Deepthroat Cockslut came. With loud, needy moans dying around the massive cock inside of her, her throat gulping around the shaft, milking it as her lips pursed around the sheath, Deepthroat Cockslut came. And Deepthroat Cockslut came hard. Harder than she ever had in her life. Harder than when the hoofball players fucked in her the locker room, harder than when the Omega Omega stuffed her full of their own nerdy dicks, even harder than when Big Macintosh humped her like a bull in season. As much pleasure as Deepthroat Cockslut had gained from performing her talent, she had never felt like this before. So many times she had sucked dick only for the pleasure it brought her. But this opened up an entirely new world to her, a world of shared pleasure with this very special stallion, and as her thoughts and emotions died to her euphoric pleasure, she wanted only to spend the rest of her life sucking this cock.
She's spent months with Gizmo and the only (known) sexual act Deepy has been performing with him is oral, and we know that Gizmo was moving at Deepy's pace - so sucking his cock must have been really good even after the first time. Hell, she even considered sucking Gizmo's cock better than sex with Big Mac. Why would she go back and screw him again if the first time didn't even measure up with giving Gizmo a blowjob?
This chapter feels incredibly poorly thought out and appears to exist for the sole purpose of injecting some cheap and easy drama into the story without taking the events of previous chapters into consideration.
The only thing I'll say in response to all these criticisms is that you seem to be forgetting that Deepy's character exists in an arc. This is the first chapter of a new plot arc, and really it's only just begun. What she does in the future is more indicative of her character than what she has done.
You also seem to labor under the delusion that Deepy is infallible. Yes, in the past, she has stood against infidelity. Yes, she loves Gizmo deeply and intimately. But she herself admitted, before the relationship began, that she was prone to infidelity, that she felt the desire to cheat on past coltfriends, even if she never actually went through with it.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people act hypocritically. Sometimes people act on impulses, even if those impulses don't reflect their deepest desires. That's just realistic characterization, no matter how much it hurts. It would be even more unrealistic for me to continue a story about a whore who sucks dick all day and no hearts ever get broken and she never makes a mistake. That would run contrary to all realities of human nature and conventions of contemporary romance.
7104161 I'm not saying Deepy is infallible. I'm saying that this chapter was so cack-handed in its exploration of her fallibility that it comes across as incredibly lazy and actually damages her character somewhat.
She was put on God's Earth to suck cock. The only way to get enough cock was to suck off like twenty dudes every week. And then in comes Gizmo, who's cock is so goddamned great that it makes her orgasm harder than the until-then best sex of her life just by sucking it and completely invalidates sucking anypony else's cock because they just cannot compete.
So she runs off and has sex with Big Mac the morning after sharing "the most intimate, meaningful moments of her life" with Gizmo? It makes no sense. It's rushed. It's terrible. It makes Deepy look like some sort of ultraslut that cannot keep her goddamn tail down (seriously the morning after that was a really, really stupid time to set her 'fall' because it makes it like a hundred times worse).
Plus the series of events that led to it was literally "I looked at Big Mac and accidentally fell on his cock ten seconds later". Not 'Gizmo is out of town for a week or three on a business trip and I can't use him to sate my lust for blowjobs' or something like that, you know, something that makes sense. Instead it's 'I gave Gizmo a BJ an hour ago and now I feel like banging Big Mac'. Wonderful.
Not to mention how Big Mac's penis was long enough to hit Deepy's G-spot while Gizmo's Leviathan of the Deep somehow missed it while filling her to maximum capacity - which is particularly stupid because the G-spot is apparently a whole 3~" into the vagina in real life.
I didn't know what to expect with this chapter, and I've gotta say I'm intrigued. The way deepy just caved in to her desires like that was definitely a fall from grace, honestly I feel sad for her and gizmo but thus is the trials of love especially when you have a cock gobbling whore for a marefriend
(On another note, Damn you Granny Smith! Let. People. Speak before making assumptions! you just ruined an adorable couple)
7104161 As I said I bought it. It isn't something so strange I couldn't accept it as part of the story or real life.
I said that it just might not have been the best choice for conflict. It's essentially the equivalent of re-doing Dragonshy in the show. Sure it's fine for Fluttershy character to still be timid, humble, and wary; but if she doesn't show some form of character growth from that experience then that undermines the importance of the event, of the story and by instance the lesson learned.
It's not expected that she would suddenly be a brave pony all-around or that she would not be shy or scared anymore. Showing growth it's just a way to remark the significance of what has already been told.
It might have been just the highlights of her upbringings, but those were just as much a part of the story as this chapter is and so it wouldn't be right to undermine them.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be credible for Deepy to have this problem, but I'm pointing out that at no point during the story has she been shown or implied to be emotionally conflicted about it. That's new. What she has been shown it's her engaging in relationships and then deciding that she wants more than a monogamous relationship engagement.
While the warning she gave to Gizmo before she accepted to be his marefriend could very easily be interpreted to be for his sake, naturally she wouldn't want to hurt him.
I apologize if my criticism comes as being too harsh, I'm really grateful for the story you have written and would like to assist you in the process if possible.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be credible for Deepy to have this problem, but I'm pointing out that at no point during the story has she been shown or implied to be emotionally conflicted about it. That's new.
That's very easy to explain with just three words: Deepy loves Gizmo. As in, actually, truly loves him. At no point in the story before Gizmo has Deepy ever loved anyone, which is why she was never particularly torn up about sleeping with lots of ponies. But now that she's found a stallion that she loves and wants to be with, who in turn loves and wants to be with her, betraying that trust is a massive issue that could very well force them apart forever - and Deepy could quite logically pin the blame squarely on herself.
And Deepy having problems controlling her raging desire to suck dick and cheating on Gizmo is not - conceptually - a problem either. The issue with it in this chapter is the setup and execution, which was abysmal beyond belief. It would be fine with a few changes (read: complete overhaul) instead of the neck-snapping change in attitude from "most intimate, meaningful moments of her life" to 'shagging Big Mac in the barn' over the course of a single morning.
Imagine this instead: Gizmo can satisfy Deepy's need to suck cock with his Leviathan. This is a logical extension of the description of the experience of sucking it in chapter 6 coupled with the fact that their monogamous relationship has worked for months without Deepy ever putting a hoof wrong. As long as Gizmo is around to satisfy her, Deepy has no temptation to cheat. The chapter opens with the same sequence showing how much their relationship has evolved over the months and how they are both well and truly in love. All is well.
But then, a problem! Gizmo, being an astrophysicist, gets called away to work at a lab/observatory halfway across Equestria for a couple of weeks. Naturally Deepy cannot abandon her job in Ponyville and must stay behind. Now there is no Obelisk to sate her lust with, the temptation starts to build. She resists at first, because she truly loves Gizmo and does not want to hurt him. But as the days draw on it gets worse and worse, grinding her defences down until she falters for just a moment and ends up laying with another stallion. Then Deepy is incredibly distraught as per the end of the chapter as it is now.
Bam. Fixed. It keeps the drama and the character flaws, but in a much more reasonable - and dare I say realistic - manner than the deus ex Mac-ina that the story relies upon at the moment. Deepy remains sympathetic as a character, and the circumstances of the cheating lend themselves better to a resolution where Deepy and Gizmo make up and don't end up forced apart with both of their hearts ground to pulp.
7102738 I've seen Azumanga Daioh. Hate to break it to you but there was some form of conflict in every single episode. Been a while since I saw it so I can't give too many specific instances though.
This story has had conflict in several of it's chapters already too. Mostly of the textbook "Individual vs. World" variety with a few other instances of "Individual vs. Self".
So, yeah. Not seeing it. Comedic slice of life series may not have overarching "plot" level conflicts but there is always some form of conflict.
That's very easy to explain with just three words: Deepy loves Gizmo. As in, actually, truly loves him. At no point in the story before Gizmo has Deepy ever loved anyone,
Yeah that would work as an explanation for that. Not sure it was said that she has never loved anyone, but even if it doesn't the fact that she loves and cares for him would be enough to justify her being torn up over this.
It's still new tho.
The issue with it in this chapter is the setup and execution, which was abysmal beyond belief.
...Gizmo, being an astrophysicist, gets called away to work at a lab/observatory halfway across Equestria for a couple of weeks.
So let me get this straight, the thing that bother you about this chapter was the speed in which Deepy found herself accepting the idea of having sex with another stallion and you feel it would have being more realistic to have her actually have a reasonable reason for her to struggle with fidelity and have her actions be more premeditated.
Correct?
Did I miss anything?
I hope that's the case cause I'm elaborating on that.
I can see several advantages to this proposal. For starters having more of reason to cross the boundary between what's considered to be morally correct makes the character more relatable in it's circumstance. While having the actions be premeditated would be a good opportunity to highlight the significance of the event.
I concur that would be a better literary sequence to follow, a much more tasteful storytelling. With that said, I think the way it was executed in this chapter was as realistic if not more so than what you propose. In my experience people can offten be impulsive and be prone make decisions based on how they are feeling at that moment rather than by making a through logical analysis of what they should do.
Also it is not unheard off to meet people who, like Deepy, live in the moment. Who are capable to start the day with nothing specific in mind and just make their decision as their go without letting daily habits to significant sway those decisions most of the time.
It is certainly not the norm, usually people make most of their decisions based on habits. (There is literally hundreds of books about the topic. Here is a good one written by Charles Duhigg) and so it's understandable for someone to see this from of quick decision making to find it strange or even unrealistic. As I said this from of thinking it's not very common; but it exists and it wouldn't be too difficult to picture a pony like Deepy using it if you had ever known a person like that in real life.
By being aware of the credibility of this kind of behavior in real life. You might agree that this chapter actually didn't need a lot more setup and the execution doesn't need as much tweaking as you might have originally thought.
But as I pointed out earlier incorporating those changes would still have the advantages highlighted above, even if it wouldn't make it any more realistic in my opinion.
7104919 I'm aware that the change is pretty breakneck. I did it that way on purpose, because that's what it would be like for Deepy. It wouldn't be premeditated. If you were reading very closely, you would notice the subtle hand of Destiny tugging at her, tempting her, so to speak, a very real angel-on-your-shoulder kind of conflict. Remember, "Destiny's a bitch."
Throughout the story, we've seen Deepy's Destiny as a positive thing; a way for her to help the pent-up stallions that inhabit the relatively sexless world of Equestria. But there's a flipside to it, and that comes in the form of an addiction, so to speak. She absolutely must be a whore, no two ways about it. The combination of a less-than-physically-satisfying night with Gizmo, no matter how emotionally satisfying night it was, plus the chance to have extremely satisfying sex handed to her on a silver platter, and her nature as a born slut, makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for her to remain totally monogamous. In this situation, her gift is now her burden.
As for the pacing, Deepy would have been just as surprised as you are. I wanted the reader to feel that surprise, because that's what she felt. If she planned to do such a thing, it was purely subconscious. But for some people, especially those with addictions, those impulses can hit very hard, and can be very sudden. And before you know it, you've turned your back on your entire moral foundation. You've become a hypocrite, and you've hurt those around you. I wanted the reader to really get inside Deepy's head- being with Big Mac was so very wrong, but it just felt so damn good.
Sex isn't always fun. There are always strings attached, and not just to others, but sometimes within ourselves, too. Deepy certainly hurt Gizmo this chapter with her whoring, but she also hurt herself. Such is the nature of addiction. What she does from here on out will decide what being a slut means for her, and what kind of life she can make for herself as a slut.
Of course, I don't say this for your benefit. I know you're not going to change your opinion. I write this only for the curious reader wanting deeper insight into Deepy's character arc, and why we find her so compelling in the first place.
7105260 I find most of what you say perfectly reasonable. I just like to comment on the following.
Remember, "Destiny's a bitch."
I hope you saying that does not mean you are actually planning to discard the possibility of a happy ending. There is still the option of her finding herself into an open romantic relationship after all. Even if it turns out this one doesn't become that.
Sex isn't always fun. There are always strings attached, and not just to others, but sometimes within ourselves, too.
Sex doesn't always have to have strings attached, people possess the ability to decide that kind of thing. The fact sex acts most usually carry strings attached is a different matter entirely.
I mean what about Big Mac? I see no one questioning how he must have felt at seeing Deepy suddenly leave like that. I would think he would most likely be hurt and concerned; but he could choose not to be hypothetically speaking, more likely if he was somepony else.
It's all a matter of freewill really.
Although, writing about anything that involves facing Destiny vs Freewill sounds like a fun prospect to approach.
But for some people, especially those with addictions
I think you've somehow lost sight of Deepy's core nature when it comes to sex. She is not addicted to sex. She is addicted to sucking cock. This has been beaten into the reader's skull over and over and over again. It's in her name. Deepy is addicted to blowjobs. The reason she could not maintain a monogamous relationship is because she was addicted to sucking as much cock as possible. This naturally leads to situations where she gets a ton of sex too (after all it is a sex act), but the sex was almost never the motivating factor. It was sucking dicks - that then lead to sex.
This is what makes Deepy suddenly fucking - not sucking! - Big Mac so damned out of place. She has a dick on-call that is so amazing that sucking it is better than sex with Big Mac, as established in Chapter 6. Sucking that dick is so great that Deepy hadn't felt the need to actually have sex with it in months of sexual activity with that dick and that dick alone. And as for:
a less-than-physically-satisfying night with Gizmo
Deepy sucked Gizmo's dick the morning she went and fucked Big Mac. It's been established that sucking Gizmo's dick is an extremely physically satisfying experience for her. So good she apparently didn't even feel the need for actual sex for months, in fact!
This chapter doesn't take anything established in previous chapters into account at all, which is why it falls flat on its face in such a spectacular fashion. Again, it's not unreasonable to have a situation where Deepy cheats on Gizmo. What is unreasonable is the situation we've been presented with here where everything is completely out of step with everything from the rest of the story - and sometimes out of step with events earlier in the same chapter!
7103056 I can only see the story going three ways from here.
1) Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo flies into a rage and gorilla-fucks Deepy like a real stallion. Problem solved, story ended, happy boner.
2) Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo forgives and falls into a deep depression, and withdraws more into himself. Deepy falls into a depression for causing Gizmo's depression. Deepy tutors Gizmo into being a better lover, after she forgives herself, so he can gorilla-fuck her like a real stallion. Sad but hopeful boner.
3)Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo remembers that he, in fact, does have a spine and leaves Deepy. Deepy falls into a depression where she becomes the worst kind of slut letting all kinds of stallions have their way with her all the while she finds no joy in it. Sad, but very, very firm boner.
I suspect that what the author is doing here is presenting deepy with a conflict that she had avoided up until now in her life, which is the difference between being a pony and being a talent, as well as the difference between being accepted as a pony and being accepted as a skill.
In this chapter, the apple family are barely even characters, instead they represent the unfortunate side of deepy's talent, which is people who see her as a cockslut and are willing to use her skills. They represent what everyone assumes Deepy is when they first hear her name. I think that because Deepy stayed away from romance she never really figured out how to differentiate between people who accept her and people who enjoy her talent.
If you look at the apple family interaction, you see a Deepy who everyone assumes is only there for one thing, you see Deepy being used for her talent but still treated as shameful [notice now the author made a point to say applejack wasn't around so her actions will be okay]. Deepy shows up, is railroaded into a situation where all she is is her talent. She doesn't get a word in edgewise, big mac doesn't even say two words to her, he just walks in the room, drops his cock and its time to go. They aren't treating Deepy as a pony, but as a service.
So now Deepy is presented with a conflict thats new to her; In her prior experiences she was being accepted for her talent and now that she has Gizmo, she is accepted for who she is. She hadn't faced this dilemna before so when she visited the farm and people expected Deepy the cockslut, she went through the motions. Now she has to face the question; Is she Deepy or is she just a Cockslut who is a slave to her talent.
or maybe i'm just overthinking it and we're about to get a hamfisted 'hurr' threesome or something equally silly. I hope not. I like to see happy horses and it'd be a shame if Deepy was reduced to being the stereotype she had previously defied.
Threesome, Threesome, Threesome!
img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2010/halloween_costumes/sad_keanu.jpg
It's over.
Well this was heavier than I expected.
Poor Gizmo.
Poor Deepy.
The answer is pretty simple though, do you want to be the girl who is with the man she loves or do you want to be the girl who everyone assumes is only there for sex. Granny smith never even considered Deepy would want anything else and railroaded her into a situation where her body betrayed her.
just remember this Deepy:
Gizmo's a strong guy, he'll understand a moment of weakness.
I thought Gizmo had already professed his okayness with her nature last chapter?
Damn it Deepy. I though you'd knew better than this. Them feels mon.
The clop was still juicy though.
7102025 He said he wanted to try. He admitted that he'd still be hurt if she cheated, but that he didn't truly know how he'd feel until it happened. There's a big difference between how you think you'll react to something, and how you actually react when it does happen.
Just make it an open relationship. I'm pretty sure there are tons of couples where one can't be sexually pleased by the other but find it with others. Sex is just sex, it doesn't have to be some deep thing. Making love, however, is something else entirely. Sex is just fucking, but making love is the most physical way of expressing one's feelings for another.
:(
Stopped reading when she just turned around and didn't even tell Big Mac what the situation was.
Not ready for that right now.
A kind reminder from your local Good Writing Council that NEEDLESS BULLSHIT DRAMA IS NOT GOOD WRITING. Never has been, never will be. You can come get your membership card back when you post a chapter that isn't contrived and awful.
7102299 Please explain the difference between "needless drama" and plot. Stories require conflict, and good characters require growth. Unless you'd prefer me to return to mindless clop. Because that's certainly good storytelling, right?
I did not need that image.
7102395
Well, Brain BleachTM sales were down, until...
7102343
"Stories require conflict"
No, they don't. This kind of thing is exactly what I'm talking about! Many of the world's best stories are not actually conflict-based or have even a drop of it, and good stories not have this kind of bullshit. The idea that stories somehow need conflict and drama is just a bad habit passed down from ineffectual writing teachers and dusty manuals. The difference between well-written conflict and needless drama is that needless drama does not actually fit into the framework of the story it's in. It comes out of nowhere, contradicts existing character actions and motivations, and serves only to fulfill some imagined 'quota' inflicted on the writer by bad teachers or bad habits. This fits all of those points perfectly: In a story that was otherwise an intelligent and positive look at how a character can be sexually needful (and aggressive in fulfilling those needs) and still be a good person with a stable relationship, this chapter hinges on basically throwing all of that into the garbage, and the rest of the story with it. The actions of this chapter run directly counter to everything we've seen and had established about our main character over the length of the story, without any actual reason other than "The writer wanted to insert drama for their own sake".
"you'd prefer me to return to mindless clop."
If the alternative is this? Yes. Yes I would.
"Because that's certainly good storytelling, right?"
Certainly better than this! And that's not a joke or hyperbole, I literally mean it's superior storytelling. It has a goal, it accomplishes that goal, it has no pretenses or false logic trying to force it in other directions, and it wraps up succinctly.
In summary: This story would have been fantastic if it had wrapped up last chapter. Now it can only hope to try and recover from what you have done to it, out of some pointless desire to add badly-written un-established character-inverting drama where it didn't belong.
(A final note: This whole schpiel is NOT to say this couldn't have been a dramatic story or that this turn of events couldn't work ever. This exact kind of situation could have been done well in theory, but it would have required things. Things like... more setup and establishment in previous chapters, a better explanation for why it happened, a main character who is represented differently and would actually make these decisions, and a lot of other adjustments. That would have been functional, correctly-implemented drama. This is needless drama.)
7102045
I don't think its at the point where they need an open relationship, its heavily implied that was Gizmo's first time, so yeah of course he sucked. Give the guy a chance to improve. Deepy has avoided relationships before now so she's probably never really noticed that she can't control herself some times, now she knows and she can work on that too.
Well this chapter was... descriptive. (EDIT: In terms of details, not plot I think it's clear that the former took most of the room leaving little for the latter this time.)
You should probably not say this kind of thing in a regular basis, even if you don't mind pain, even if you don't mind being completely wracked. Just in case you are really not having a good time, everyone should be able to stop if needed.
Iron balls?
Ouch!
Here is my head-canon for this. Deepy's g-spot it's actually in her womb and Big Mac simply pound her so deep that the thing opened up while they were doing it so naturaly that felt quite special.
Also, this chapter gave me an insight on Deepy's mentality. Judging by this chapter I would say she is the kind of pony that lives at the present meaning who lets her actions be guided by her internal ID AKA her instant gratification monkey.
Which reminds me...
I just like to take a second to point out how strange or normal this sentence feels to whomever is reading this.
~Leonzilla
7102546 Well, when you take into account that ponies are the predominant sapient species in their world but there are still a number of creatures that operate purely on instinct it makes perfect sense. (Though I admit that I myself might use the word beast in place of animal.)
7102516
A character that is known to have an extremely high sex drive and regularly has sexual encounters with multiple other characters in the same day attempts to pursue a monogamous relationship and you DON'T see a situation like this coming from a mile away? The are you on?
BTW: Can you give me one well known story, movie, play, or other piece of fiction that DOESN'T have some form of conflict? Because I daresay that such a thing does not exist.
Come on, really?
I love you, and your writing, but the drama/cheating feels like it was a bit forced. There was no preamble, no buildup, no reason; it felt like it was put there for the sake of padding the story, rather than advancement of the character.
Deepy's relationship with Gizmo is already leaning toward one sided. What good is a relationship if both sides aren't willing to work for it?
She tries to fight against the perception that she is just some common whore, that she is above her instincts. Well, I guess all that progress is worth nothing if she can't grow enough of a spine to cut off an old person before they get the wrong idea.
She feels like a piece of shit at the end of the chapter, and she should. Actions have consequences, and she isn't above them.
I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish and maybe I just don't get it, in which case I need some explaining. It just feels needless at this point.
I'm more disappointed, than anything.
I think you could have built this up better, give more of a reason why. Laid more cards on the table so she doesn't read like an adulterer. I've seen what you can do, and you can do better than this.
--------
Also, for Christ's sake, add a drama tag.
It doesn't seem to be touched on in the comments so far, but Deepy is the absolute worst kind of lover.
Not because of the cheating, but because she just laid there like a dead fish while a fresh virgin thrashed around and wasted her time.
She didn't give him any feedback, and I doubt he'd know to take her silence as feedback. Being his first time and all.
Then she turned him down when he tried to finish her off, might have even been able to go through the refractory period while he did and give her another round.
And yes, I'm completely at peace with the fact that I'm being serious about relationships in a piece of fapfiction featuring two ponies.
Wait hang on, Deepy is a fairly literal-minded and honest-speaking pony, so since when did Deepy gather that kind of data to make a comparison with?!
7102517 That's true, but how long will that take? Gizmo (from what's implied) has had no sexual experience before Deepy came along. Building up his sexual stamina and becoming proficient at sexual techniques isn't something that can be developed overnight. It could take months before he's even close to being ready. And until then? Should Deepy just lock away her own needs to 'stay true' to Gizmo? Everyone has needs and it would be pretty cruel to ask her to suck it up (no pun intended) until Gizmo is good enough to pleasure her on his own. She should tell him, and help him. Otherwise he'll eventually find out on his own and then it will end badly for all involved.
7102608
Most competent slice of life stories. Almost anything short by Spider Robinson. A lot of the works of Milne. A good number of Pratchett's short works. A lot of big arcs in American and European comics, including some of the storylines in Sandman. The core plot of Do. A few video games (I'd have to dredge for titles, although I could argue in favor of Dr. Langeskov) Significant swathes of the entire Japanese literary landscape both ancient (poetic nature stories from the 30s) and modern (comedic SoL pieces like Azumanga Daio). A decent chunk of the content on this very website. Arguably, this story up until now.
I could keep going, but I think I've more than proven my point: Just because you are ignorant of something's existence doesn't mean it magically ceases to be. The world is not solipsistic, and stories that are not driven by conflict are a thing.
7102690
You have a valid point.
The defense i present is Deepy's awareness of Gizmo's lack of confidence and predilection to being overaccomodating.
Deepy wants to train Gizmo into being a stallion equal to his stallionhood, but has her work cut out for her; there are a lot of ways where Deepy could accidentally make herself the dominant partner, so playing it passive and supporting with indirect nudges is the currently visible safe path.
The end goal is coming home to get spontaneously plowed by a stallion whose body language won't take no for an answer, while loving the mind behind the plowing for being willing to say otherwise out of love in return.
7102516 I think you might be a little too harsh about this. But I get what you are saying, you are upset about this turn of events, you made that message very clear.
Now I will proceeded to express my take on this and criticize this plot turn in a slightly more objective way because I do see a point in criticizing this while at the same time I don't feel it undermines the story so strongly.
I agree that a story does not need conflict to work and there was no need to add this exact conflict into it.
Standard orthodox storytelling usually includes a conflict in most formats and conflict could very well add something good to this story that would make it feel more significant as a whole. With that said it's possible that the author could have choosen a better conflict for the story and also to have executed this one more effectively.
Not to say that it is bad, but it does have some aspects that are worth criticizing.
The first one I Iike to mention would be how predictable this conflict is bound to be. Following standard storytelling has the drawback of being predictable, and there is only so many ways this could end up, and when a story it's just stating to follow with the motions then it's when I start to skim faster and faster to get through the dull events. Keeping up on content density it's something worth keeping in mind for any writing to avoid that.
The next point would be how it undermines the way in which our main character has matured and come to terms with who she is by this point. She is portrayed to have come to struggle with her own fidelity and resolved her relationship smoothly. So it doesn't appear that she would need to grow from this situation if she does then it seems like she has regressed in terms of character maturity and that's not something that helps the story.
The conflict that I personally expected for this story to focus on would be how society interacts and responds to Deepy. That could still come up later in the story tho, I'm just bringing it up because that conflict would be much more appropriate in comparison for the seating that it's in place. Assuming some other conflict would indeed come up later, then this isolated event wouldn't be needed even in a standard story format.
Now I think drama on the part of Gizmo works well and it would add a nice touch to the overall story depending on how it's executed, it's just Deepy who seems to be a little off character at the end of this chapter. I get that she felt very much in love with Gizmo and the struggle between love and lust; but a post coital breakdown it's not just unbecoming, it's also off-pace for the mature experienced and intelligent mare that Deepy's has been portrayed to be thus far.
Now don't get me wrong, I bought it, but I can see why someone else wouldn't. It was sudden and different from anything shown in the story thus far.
Now about this bit,
,
I can see how this conflict fits in the framework of the story, I knew during the entire chapter that this conflict was being built, and while I would say it stretches the character features I wouldn't say it contradicts them in this case. Thought I should mention that.
Lastly I will say that I only mean to give constructive feedback that might help improve the story. I actually enjoyed this chapter from start to finish while I didn't think much of the drama.
7102608 I know, but I find it funny how normal it feels for me to interpret the word pony as that of a sapient creature by this point.
~Leonzilla
7102763
But that isn't Gizmo, as she remembered him after her affair she treasured who he was.
Timid, cute, near worshipful of her, passionate about her and sharing his interests with her.
He will never be the stallion that will pull her hair, bend her over, slap her ass, bite her neck, and whisper in her ear, 'I love you' all while thrusting in a steady rhythm and hitting all her spots.
At least not during his very first time.
And probably not ever since what confidence he got from being with her is shot to shit the second she tells him that sex with him was so godawful that she ran to go get some real dick as soon as she could.
The whole reason that he may be open to forgiving her in the first place is that she is literally the best he could ask for, if not all he could get.
Infidelity and all.
Edit:
7102651
Well the reason was obvious, actual sex with Gizmo is a joyless chore.
A very intimate joyless chore, but a joyless chore nonetheless.
Love is a difficult thing to obtain and even more so to keep. Every relationship has its troubles and problems. What is important is the question is it worth it? Gizmo won't be happy obviously, but I think he'll forgive her, eventually. But if Deepy really wants this to last, then changes have to be made. I see two possibilities. The first is she seeks therapy for her nymphomania, I know it seems glorified in media, but it is still an addiction, just as detrimental as smoking and alcohol. The second, she and Gizmo explore other intimate areas. Swingers, multiple partners, orgies whatever they are comfortable with. Those are just my ideas, but if things don't change, this relationship in its current state won't last.
7102944
Surely there must be some way for Deepy to get Gizmo up to par?
You know, after reading through the chapter again I have to admit the cheating does feel very sudden and somewhat forced. The first section of the chapter describes in some detail how she does truly, genuinely love Gizmo and how she really wants to be with him. It shows a massive growth in her character from where she used to be (sucking every dick in her general area) and into a mare with her urges under control and with a strong desire to not hurt the one she loves. She lets Gizmo take her vaginally for the first time, which is implied to be a big thing since they've been together for "a few months" and still haven't done it yet; then literally the next morning she's run off and fucked Big Mac.
It shows us that no, Deepy hasn't really developed and 'matured' at all because she's still ready and willing to drop it all as soon as some hot dick that knows what it's doing shows up. Which is IMO very disappointing and wrecks the significance of the past couple of chapters after a lifetime of sexual abandon.
She also offers very little resistance to Granny Smith. It says that Granny walked to the barn before she could do anything, but the barn entrance is pretty much the whole length of the place from the front door and Granny moves at the speed of erosion. Why didn't Deepy go 'hold up that's nice and all but I have a coltfriend now' while Granny was silently crawling her way along?
7102516 Think I understand what you're saying. Before Gizmo happened, this story was about "the life and times of Deepthroat Cockslut," sort of giving us a peek at this originally-a-joke character's sex life as she faced the common trials and tribulations of growing up. Every chapter had been self-contained and drama wasn't prominent. Now we've got typical love-lust drama that just kind of comes out of nowhere and changes the whole tone of this story.
I disagree about it being "badly written" though, because it certainly isn't, but I think the drama probably could have been saved for another story, or perhaps a side story. The last two chapters just feel out of place. Not bad writing I don't think, but just a strange decision to turn what was originally a humorous story into a dark one, at least as of this chapter.
Like... what I'm reading here is supposed to make me feel bad about what happened and make me feel for the protagonist, but then I realize that the protagonist's name happens to be Deepthroat Cockslut and I can't take it that seriously anymore.
Still, let's at least wait until the next chapter or two come out before we make judgements. We have no idea what the author could pull.
7102944
This can't be said enough.
---
Also, my favorite thing about this character was that, despite all the sex and debauchery, she was always mindful not hurt anyone. But now, after all that, she completely betrays her ideals because someone waves a dick in her face? Why? What changed? This really feels straight out of left field.
This chapter was one of the best chapters I have ever seen for character development both in fanfiction and actual novels, so keep up the good work Hardcover
After re-reading this chapter, I think this needs a drama tag. Mainly because of Deepy's betrayal of trust. I still like her as a character but I do feel more sympathetic for Gizmo than I do for Deepy. I really hope their relationship don't completely crumble because it'll be shame if their relationship just ended like that. Excellent writing as always but right now Gizmo really needs a hug. Deepy though, I know that she doesn't intend to hurt him this way but honestly speaking this sudden tone change feels a little bit out there. It's great for characters' dilemmas and hidden depths but man did this turn for the worse for both characters' situation.
Poor Deepy. Don't be too hard on yourself. Sho ought to tell Big Mac this is goodbye at least for now as she's seeing somepony now.
7103428
But it throws half of Deepy's previous characterisation straight out the window. She learned that sleeping around without checking if they're in a relationship hurts ponies and vowed never to sleep with somepony in one. She saw the hurt and pain it caused and this affected her so deeply she never broke her rule, not even once.
Yet when she gets into her own relationship she just falls on Mac's dick ten seconds after meeting him for the second time? It wasn't even her irrepressible desire to suck dicks that's been the defining feature of her life. She just straight-up fucked him then and there and didn't give him a blowjob until after they'd been going at it for hours. And on top of that this is mere hours after her 'first time' with Gizmo, which she herself considers:
It flies in the face of everything she's stood for so far. You can't even really say 'well the sex with Gizmo wasn't so great' when this is the description of her experience sucking Gizmo's dick the first time they met:
She's spent months with Gizmo and the only (known) sexual act Deepy has been performing with him is oral, and we know that Gizmo was moving at Deepy's pace - so sucking his cock must have been really good even after the first time. Hell, she even considered sucking Gizmo's cock better than sex with Big Mac. Why would she go back and screw him again if the first time didn't even measure up with giving Gizmo a blowjob?
This chapter feels incredibly poorly thought out and appears to exist for the sole purpose of injecting some cheap and easy drama into the story without taking the events of previous chapters into consideration.
7103751
I'm glad I wasn't the only one that feels so thoroughly cheated by this chapter.
7103751
7102516
7102546
The only thing I'll say in response to all these criticisms is that you seem to be forgetting that Deepy's character exists in an arc. This is the first chapter of a new plot arc, and really it's only just begun. What she does in the future is more indicative of her character than what she has done.
You also seem to labor under the delusion that Deepy is infallible. Yes, in the past, she has stood against infidelity. Yes, she loves Gizmo deeply and intimately. But she herself admitted, before the relationship began, that she was prone to infidelity, that she felt the desire to cheat on past coltfriends, even if she never actually went through with it.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people act hypocritically. Sometimes people act on impulses, even if those impulses don't reflect their deepest desires. That's just realistic characterization, no matter how much it hurts. It would be even more unrealistic for me to continue a story about a whore who sucks dick all day and no hearts ever get broken and she never makes a mistake. That would run contrary to all realities of human nature and conventions of contemporary romance.
7104161
I'm not saying Deepy is infallible. I'm saying that this chapter was so cack-handed in its exploration of her fallibility that it comes across as incredibly lazy and actually damages her character somewhat.
She was put on God's Earth to suck cock. The only way to get enough cock was to suck off like twenty dudes every week. And then in comes Gizmo, who's cock is so goddamned great that it makes her orgasm harder than the until-then best sex of her life just by sucking it and completely invalidates sucking anypony else's cock because they just cannot compete.
So she runs off and has sex with Big Mac the morning after sharing "the most intimate, meaningful moments of her life" with Gizmo? It makes no sense. It's rushed. It's terrible. It makes Deepy look like some sort of ultraslut that cannot keep her goddamn tail down (seriously the morning after that was a really, really stupid time to set her 'fall' because it makes it like a hundred times worse).
Plus the series of events that led to it was literally "I looked at Big Mac and accidentally fell on his cock ten seconds later". Not 'Gizmo is out of town for a week or three on a business trip and I can't use him to sate my lust for blowjobs' or something like that, you know, something that makes sense. Instead it's 'I gave Gizmo a BJ an hour ago and now I feel like banging Big Mac'. Wonderful.
Not to mention how Big Mac's penis was long enough to hit Deepy's G-spot while Gizmo's Leviathan of the Deep somehow missed it while filling her to maximum capacity - which is particularly stupid because the G-spot is apparently a whole 3~" into the vagina in real life.
I didn't know what to expect with this chapter, and I've gotta say I'm intrigued. The way deepy just caved in to her desires like that was definitely a fall from grace, honestly I feel sad for her and gizmo but thus is the trials of love especially when you have a cock gobbling whore for a marefriend
(On another note, Damn you Granny Smith! Let. People. Speak before making assumptions! you just ruined an adorable couple)
7103751 yes but a complete character change is part of development and adding good morals to a character is, in my opinion a sort of redemption
7104161 As I said I bought it. It isn't something so strange I couldn't accept it as part of the story or real life.
I said that it just might not have been the best choice for conflict. It's essentially the equivalent of re-doing Dragonshy in the show. Sure it's fine for Fluttershy character to still be timid, humble, and wary; but if she doesn't show some form of character growth from that experience then that undermines the importance of the event, of the story and by instance the lesson learned.
It's not expected that she would suddenly be a brave pony all-around or that she would not be shy or scared anymore. Showing growth it's just a way to remark the significance of what has already been told.
It might have been just the highlights of her upbringings, but those were just as much a part of the story as this chapter is and so it wouldn't be right to undermine them.
I'm not saying it wouldn't be credible for Deepy to have this problem, but I'm pointing out that at no point during the story has she been shown or implied to be emotionally conflicted about it. That's new. What she has been shown it's her engaging in relationships and then deciding that she wants more than a monogamous relationship engagement.
While the warning she gave to Gizmo before she accepted to be his marefriend could very easily be interpreted to be for his sake, naturally she wouldn't want to hurt him.
I apologize if my criticism comes as being too harsh, I'm really grateful for the story you have written and would like to assist you in the process if possible.
Keep up the good work,
~Leonzilla
7104855
That's very easy to explain with just three words: Deepy loves Gizmo. As in, actually, truly loves him. At no point in the story before Gizmo has Deepy ever loved anyone, which is why she was never particularly torn up about sleeping with lots of ponies. But now that she's found a stallion that she loves and wants to be with, who in turn loves and wants to be with her, betraying that trust is a massive issue that could very well force them apart forever - and Deepy could quite logically pin the blame squarely on herself.
And Deepy having problems controlling her raging desire to suck dick and cheating on Gizmo is not - conceptually - a problem either. The issue with it in this chapter is the setup and execution, which was abysmal beyond belief. It would be fine with a few changes (read: complete overhaul) instead of the neck-snapping change in attitude from "most intimate, meaningful moments of her life" to 'shagging Big Mac in the barn' over the course of a single morning.
Imagine this instead: Gizmo can satisfy Deepy's need to suck cock with his Leviathan. This is a logical extension of the description of the experience of sucking it in chapter 6 coupled with the fact that their monogamous relationship has worked for months without Deepy ever putting a hoof wrong. As long as Gizmo is around to satisfy her, Deepy has no temptation to cheat. The chapter opens with the same sequence showing how much their relationship has evolved over the months and how they are both well and truly in love. All is well.
But then, a problem! Gizmo, being an astrophysicist, gets called away to work at a lab/observatory halfway across Equestria for a couple of weeks. Naturally Deepy cannot abandon her job in Ponyville and must stay behind. Now there is no Obelisk to sate her lust with, the temptation starts to build. She resists at first, because she truly loves Gizmo and does not want to hurt him. But as the days draw on it gets worse and worse, grinding her defences down until she falters for just a moment and ends up laying with another stallion. Then Deepy is incredibly distraught as per the end of the chapter as it is now.
Bam. Fixed. It keeps the drama and the character flaws, but in a much more reasonable - and dare I say realistic - manner than the deus ex Mac-ina that the story relies upon at the moment. Deepy remains sympathetic as a character, and the circumstances of the cheating lend themselves better to a resolution where Deepy and Gizmo make up and don't end up forced apart with both of their hearts ground to pulp.
7102738 I've seen Azumanga Daioh. Hate to break it to you but there was some form of conflict in every single episode. Been a while since I saw it so I can't give too many specific instances though.
This story has had conflict in several of it's chapters already too. Mostly of the textbook "Individual vs. World" variety with a few other instances of "Individual vs. Self".
So, yeah. Not seeing it. Comedic slice of life series may not have overarching "plot" level conflicts but there is always some form of conflict.
7104919
Yeah that would work as an explanation for that. Not sure it was said that she has never loved anyone, but even if it doesn't the fact that she loves and cares for him would be enough to justify her being torn up over this.
It's still new tho.
So let me get this straight, the thing that bother you about this chapter was the speed in which Deepy found herself accepting the idea of having sex with another stallion and you feel it would have being more realistic to have her actually have a reasonable reason for her to struggle with fidelity and have her actions be more premeditated.
Correct?
Did I miss anything?
I hope that's the case cause I'm elaborating on that.
I can see several advantages to this proposal. For starters having more of reason to cross the boundary between what's considered to be morally correct makes the character more relatable in it's circumstance. While having the actions be premeditated would be a good opportunity to highlight the significance of the event.
I concur that would be a better literary sequence to follow, a much more tasteful storytelling. With that said, I think the way it was executed in this chapter was as realistic if not more so than what you propose. In my experience people can offten be impulsive and be prone make decisions based on how they are feeling at that moment rather than by making a through logical analysis of what they should do.
Also it is not unheard off to meet people who, like Deepy, live in the moment. Who are capable to start the day with nothing specific in mind and just make their decision as their go without letting daily habits to significant sway those decisions most of the time.
It is certainly not the norm, usually people make most of their decisions based on habits. (There is literally hundreds of books about the topic. Here is a good one written by Charles Duhigg) and so it's understandable for someone to see this from of quick decision making to find it strange or even unrealistic. As I said this from of thinking it's not very common; but it exists and it wouldn't be too difficult to picture a pony like Deepy using it if you had ever known a person like that in real life.
By being aware of the credibility of this kind of behavior in real life. You might agree that this chapter actually didn't need a lot more setup and the execution doesn't need as much tweaking as you might have originally thought.
But as I pointed out earlier incorporating those changes would still have the advantages highlighted above, even if it wouldn't make it any more realistic in my opinion.
~Leonzilla
7104919 I'm aware that the change is pretty breakneck. I did it that way on purpose, because that's what it would be like for Deepy. It wouldn't be premeditated. If you were reading very closely, you would notice the subtle hand of Destiny tugging at her, tempting her, so to speak, a very real angel-on-your-shoulder kind of conflict. Remember, "Destiny's a bitch."
Throughout the story, we've seen Deepy's Destiny as a positive thing; a way for her to help the pent-up stallions that inhabit the relatively sexless world of Equestria. But there's a flipside to it, and that comes in the form of an addiction, so to speak. She absolutely must be a whore, no two ways about it. The combination of a less-than-physically-satisfying night with Gizmo, no matter how emotionally satisfying night it was, plus the chance to have extremely satisfying sex handed to her on a silver platter, and her nature as a born slut, makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for her to remain totally monogamous. In this situation, her gift is now her burden.
As for the pacing, Deepy would have been just as surprised as you are. I wanted the reader to feel that surprise, because that's what she felt. If she planned to do such a thing, it was purely subconscious. But for some people, especially those with addictions, those impulses can hit very hard, and can be very sudden. And before you know it, you've turned your back on your entire moral foundation. You've become a hypocrite, and you've hurt those around you. I wanted the reader to really get inside Deepy's head- being with Big Mac was so very wrong, but it just felt so damn good.
Sex isn't always fun. There are always strings attached, and not just to others, but sometimes within ourselves, too. Deepy certainly hurt Gizmo this chapter with her whoring, but she also hurt herself. Such is the nature of addiction. What she does from here on out will decide what being a slut means for her, and what kind of life she can make for herself as a slut.
Of course, I don't say this for your benefit. I know you're not going to change your opinion. I write this only for the curious reader wanting deeper insight into Deepy's character arc, and why we find her so compelling in the first place.
Fuck! I need a cigarette...
7105260 I find most of what you say perfectly reasonable. I just like to comment on the following.
I hope you saying that does not mean you are actually planning to discard the possibility of a happy ending. There is still the option of her finding herself into an open romantic relationship after all. Even if it turns out this one doesn't become that.
Sex doesn't always have to have strings attached, people possess the ability to decide that kind of thing. The fact sex acts most usually carry strings attached is a different matter entirely.
I mean what about Big Mac? I see no one questioning how he must have felt at seeing Deepy suddenly leave like that. I would think he would most likely be hurt and concerned; but he could choose not to be hypothetically speaking, more likely if he was somepony else.
It's all a matter of freewill really.
Although, writing about anything that involves facing Destiny vs Freewill sounds like a fun prospect to approach.
~Leonzilla
7105260
I think you've somehow lost sight of Deepy's core nature when it comes to sex. She is not addicted to sex. She is addicted to sucking cock. This has been beaten into the reader's skull over and over and over again. It's in her name. Deepy is addicted to blowjobs. The reason she could not maintain a monogamous relationship is because she was addicted to sucking as much cock as possible. This naturally leads to situations where she gets a ton of sex too (after all it is a sex act), but the sex was almost never the motivating factor. It was sucking dicks - that then lead to sex.
This is what makes Deepy suddenly fucking - not sucking! - Big Mac so damned out of place. She has a dick on-call that is so amazing that sucking it is better than sex with Big Mac, as established in Chapter 6. Sucking that dick is so great that Deepy hadn't felt the need to actually have sex with it in months of sexual activity with that dick and that dick alone. And as for:
Deepy sucked Gizmo's dick the morning she went and fucked Big Mac. It's been established that sucking Gizmo's dick is an extremely physically satisfying experience for her. So good she apparently didn't even feel the need for actual sex for months, in fact!
This chapter doesn't take anything established in previous chapters into account at all, which is why it falls flat on its face in such a spectacular fashion. Again, it's not unreasonable to have a situation where Deepy cheats on Gizmo. What is unreasonable is the situation we've been presented with here where everything is completely out of step with everything from the rest of the story - and sometimes out of step with events earlier in the same chapter!
Oh no Deepy! What did you do :(
7103056
I can only see the story going three ways from here.
1) Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo flies into a rage and gorilla-fucks Deepy like a real stallion. Problem solved, story ended, happy boner.
2) Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo forgives and falls into a deep depression, and withdraws more into himself. Deepy falls into a depression for causing Gizmo's depression. Deepy tutors Gizmo into being a better lover, after she forgives herself, so he can gorilla-fuck her like a real stallion. Sad but hopeful boner.
3)Deepy tells Gizmo, Gizmo remembers that he, in fact, does have a spine and leaves Deepy. Deepy falls into a depression where she becomes the worst kind of slut letting all kinds of stallions have their way with her all the while she finds no joy in it.
Sad, but very, very firm boner.
I suspect that what the author is doing here is presenting deepy with a conflict that she had avoided up until now in her life, which is the difference between being a pony and being a talent, as well as the difference between being accepted as a pony and being accepted as a skill.
In this chapter, the apple family are barely even characters, instead they represent the unfortunate side of deepy's talent, which is people who see her as a cockslut and are willing to use her skills. They represent what everyone assumes Deepy is when they first hear her name. I think that because Deepy stayed away from romance she never really figured out how to differentiate between people who accept her and people who enjoy her talent.
If you look at the apple family interaction, you see a Deepy who everyone assumes is only there for one thing, you see Deepy being used for her talent but still treated as shameful [notice now the author made a point to say applejack wasn't around so her actions will be okay]. Deepy shows up, is railroaded into a situation where all she is is her talent. She doesn't get a word in edgewise, big mac doesn't even say two words to her, he just walks in the room, drops his cock and its time to go. They aren't treating Deepy as a pony, but as a service.
So now Deepy is presented with a conflict thats new to her; In her prior experiences she was being accepted for her talent and now that she has Gizmo, she is accepted for who she is. She hadn't faced this dilemna before so when she visited the farm and people expected Deepy the cockslut, she went through the motions. Now she has to face the question; Is she Deepy or is she just a Cockslut who is a slave to her talent.
or maybe i'm just overthinking it and we're about to get a hamfisted 'hurr' threesome or something equally silly. I hope not. I like to see happy horses and it'd be a shame if Deepy was reduced to being the stereotype she had previously defied.
7107887 There's no such thing as overthinking it, even when it comes to literary analysis of pony porn.