From the book straight to your backyard, limited offer only for the first 100 costumers
From the book straight to your backyard, limited offer only for the first 100 costumers
Lyra was humming happily the song of ‘Anthropology’ and revising her notes for her great day at school. Bon-Bon walked downstairs early as always (as owner of her business it was up to her to make sure everything was in order before the opening time) and she seemed genuinely surprised to see Lyra awoke at that hour.
“Lyra? What are you doing this early? Another last-minute discovery about the human race?”
Lyra smiled to her wife.
“Almost as good, almost! The Anthropologist Society hasn’t had any new discovery since Star Swirl’s talk about the multiverse two months ago. No, no, no my dear, today I’m preparing a class! I’m so happy Bonnie! For the first time in Ponyville foals will hear about that mystery that almost everypony considers mythology but I know they’re real!
She took a new book and was about to put it in her saddlebag but Bon-Bon stopped her.
“Are you out of your mind?! One thing is involve our friends in your stupidities, but drag foals into it is completely different! How did Cheerilee allowed such thing? Is she still affected by Pinkie’s bite or what?”
Lyra sighed.
“No Bonnie, you’re getting this wrong. There’s a certain historic event involving humans, at least as a myth, and as the one and only anthropologist in Ponyville I know the subject better than the teacher and even Princess Twilight herself. That’s why Cheerilee asked me to give the class. The marvelous tale that started my career as an anthropologist!”
Bon-Bon shrugged and went to make breakfast leaving Lyra with her books and still humming the song. In the meantime the mint unicorn was a little depressed. Seriously, how much I have to keep pretending, keeping secrets from my own wife? Damn Secret Service, if only Bonnie worked in the same division as me I would be able to be my real self around her…
Anyway, Lyra took her breakfast with Bon-Bon and ran to school where she almost faint in excitement (supposedly) when she saw the children’s homework: several structures of humans made with toothpicks.
Cheerilee received her with a warm smile.
“Lyra, you’re here! I’m glad, if anypony can taught them about this historic episode tha’ts you, but please keep it moderate”
“Sure thing! At least I can prove humans were part of ponies’ beliefs since ancient times, not just a sci-fi reference”
The class started. The foals were confused about why Lyra was there but Cheerilee quickly explained the situation:
“Okay kids, as you well know we’ve been speaking about ancient battles before the peaceful reign of Celestia and Luna…
“Yeah, yeah, their sadistic parents!” Exlaimed Pipsqueak happily.
“That’s right Pip, even if we don’t like it, we must admit that during the Princesses’ grandfather government, ponies were a heartless and cruel warrior race; and the cruelest and most dangerous ponies of that time were the Princesses’ parents: the old Generals White Nightmare and Dark Moon. However today we’ll talk about an even more ancient battle. Did everypony brought your models? Good, Lyra, all yours”
The minty unicorn nodded proudly and walked to the class:
“Thank you Cheerilee, now let’s start! Hi kids, as you all know I’m Lyra Hearstrings and today we’re going to talk about the War of Equestroy; where the Equestroyans and Ponyrmidons fought for almost twenty years. It all started because Prince London from Equestroy foalnapped Helen, wife of King Manelao from Equesparta dishonoring him and starting one of the most iconic wars in history. Unfortunately Equestroyan walls were impenetrable but Equestroyan weren’t capable to defeat Ponyrmidons in the battlefield so the war got stuck… until general Ponysseus came with the idea that would finish the war forever”
Twist showed everypony her human structure.
“This idea! The Human of Equestroy!”
Lyra nodded.
“Exactly, humans were a valuable part of Equestroyan mythology so the Ponyrmidons pretended to surrender and offer a tribute to the Equestroyans by building a giant human made of wood. The Equestroyans gladly accepted it but what they didn’t know was that inside the human hundreds of Ponyrmidons soldiers were waiting”
“That was madness!” Exclaimed Button Mash.
“Madness? THIS IS EQUESPARTA!” Shouted Snips.
The entire class began to laugh at that joke, hat was a good one.
The lesson continued for the entire day, Lyra knew how to make it interesting with her enthusiasm and complete knowledge of the event. She even was able to share a few data about the importance of humans in pony mythology.
At the end of the day everypony left class with a huge smile, the wished every day was like that.
And one of the most excited was Scootaloo.
“I must admit Ponysseus was a damn genius! I guess if he was born in Japony he would be a great ninja!”
“Ninja?” Asked Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom nodded.
“Yes ninjas, the warriors of the shadows. Now that I think about it, his tactic was very ninja-like”
“How do you know about ninjas?”
“My brother loves novels from the Edo era in Japony, but unbelievably he doesn’t like mangas. However, I prefer samurais than ninjas, they were better warriors but of course there were several things they couldn’t do; so from time to time they worked together with ninjas”
“For real?” Asked Scoots.
“Samurais didn’t liked it but the final decision was in their Shogun and because of the Bushido they must obey no matter what”
Rumble joined to the group considering something:
“Ey, do you think that ninjas and samurais would had any chance against Ponyrmidons or the Romany Empire?”
“Hmm. I don’t know, that would be interesting”
They kept discussing not noticing Spike who was walking nearly while reading a comic and laughing silly.
So they bumped into each other and Spike ended over Sweetie Belle.
“Spike! Don’t you think we’re too young for this?”
Spike quickly jumped away embarrassed.
“Sorry Sweetie, I wasn’t paying attention…”
“No kidding” sighed Scoots.
“What are you reading?” Asked Rumble examining the comic.
Spike showed it to him but the colt shook his head.
“Since when you can read Japonese?”
Spike grinned and clacked his fingers.
“Now you can too!”
Rumble chuckled and examined the comic while Spike turned to the rest of the foals.
“And how was school?”
“Unbelievable, Lyra came to give us the best history lesson ever!” Exclaimed Apple Bloom.
“So much detail, so much enthusiasm…”
“Everypony says that Lyra is crazy but god, she loves what she studies!”
Spike smiled.
“Just like Twilight. I wish I was there with you but you know Cheerilee will ground you for life I she sees me near the school again”
The kids sighed, but then Rumble gave back the comic to Spike.
“Dude, I hate those comics that are only trying to sell you something, and this is an Enchanted Board from… I don’t know, seven years ago?”
“Eight my friend, eight. That’s why Twilight wanted to throw these, and because they aren’t on Equish. However I couldn’t help to check this out and it totally worth it”
“As much as the warriors from the past?” Asked Scoots still excited for the class.
The black and purple dragon furiously nodded.
“This is about a warrior, not ancient but legendary! According to legend, PSEGA’s latest Enchanted Board, the PSEGA-Saturn was a failure; the Ponyntendo 64 was dominating the market… until a mysterious stranger appeared, with a plan so crazy that it might work”
Everypony face-hoofed.
“He decided to beat the shit of everypony who wasn’t playing a Saturn. The greatest yudo master of all times, Psegata Sanshiro!”
“So stupid advertising for idiots” sighed Sweetie.
“Stupid and all but it worked and saved PSEGA from bankrupt. And the character they created is so strong that if he throws you, you fall so hard that you explode…”
“Twice” finished Rumble chuckling at that specific moment. “This is so stupid that is strangely amusing, can I borrow it Spike?”
The girls mumbled something like, ‘males’ and continued with their previous conversation.
“As I was saying, only the Romany Empire would be able to defeat ninjas an samurais in combat, if only Japony wasn’t an island…”
Quickly enough Spike joined them
“And what do you tell me about Vikings? They traveled the world terrorizing every civilization they found. They must be more than a challenge for them”
“Okay, Vikings, I give you that. Anyone else?” Said Scoots.
“Jaguar-Warriors from Maréxico?”
“They lived in the jungle and still used stone weapons, they wouldn’t had a chance”
“I get it, I get it, britans! The original inhabitants of Great Britain before the arrival of Romany Empire!!” Exclaimed Pip.
Without the Team of Chaos noticing it, the rest of the kids joined to the conversation.
“Give me a break, the Black Swordsman and the Lighting Flash would kick everypony’s rumps”
“They’re especial because they know how to fight even if we’re in peace idiot. But back then when everypony was a warrior they would be just average”
“And the berserks?”
“Those were the Vikings…”
“Oh…”
Dinky seemed thoughtful.
“I get it, Valkyries, girl power! They would slay everypony”
They kept discussing for a while until Spike raised his claws.
“Stop it! I have an idea”
The kids muttered in excitement and moved closer to the Lord of Disharmony and Chaos smiling.
“Now, can I borrow a history book? Or you don’t want to check who would win if every army in history face in the current times?”
Dinky gave hers and Spike concentrated the black and purple energy of chaos into it. The book began to glow mysteriously and the dragon smiled.
“It’s ready, this is going to be fun!”
“Where are they?” Asked Pip looking for the warriors.
“Tomorrow they’ll be the first thing we see when we open the door, it’s an easy spell but it needs some time to charge fully. And don’t worry, nopony will get harm since they would be made of past and we’re made of present”
After some mumbles and whispers of joy and expectations the kid left the Team of Chaos already dreaming about what was about to happen.
Then Rumble passed the advertising comic to Spike.
“Dude, would you mind? You have to admit this would be hilarious”
“Sure, and don’t you have that book of jokes about that griffin actor? You know, the one who looks like a chicken?”
“You mean Chick Norris? Take it back pal, Chick Norris is no joke!”
At the next day everypone was awoke not because of the alarm clocks, but because of the scandal of… metal against metal and explosions? They all leaned out their windows to see what the heck was going on and of course they couldn’t believe it.
Outside there was a true war, with armies from all eras fighting against each others!
The powerful legionaries from the Romany Empire were marching around Ponyville to a group of ponies who were wearing big armors made of individual light metal plaques to allow more mobility and armed each one with three threatening katanas. Both armies screamed ready for battle and ran to each other but always respecting the formation.
The armies clashed.
“For the Romany Empire!”
“For the Raising Sun Empire”
Pilums and Gladius clashed against the katanas while the katanas were impacting over and over on the famous shields of the legionaries who quickly created ‘the turtle’ an especial battle formation they made by raising their shields around the army to form an unbreakable pony wall of death.
But suddenly between the legionaries lines several warriors backstabbed others in a move that took the soldiers by surprise forcing them to break the formation while the traitors dropped their legionary armors to reveal the black silk suit they wore underneath.
“All yours!” Commanded the ninja leader.
“That’s victory without honor, the Bushido…”
“Sucks to be you!” Exclaimed the ninjas at the unison beginning to attack the legionaries with their throwing stars (shurikens) and knives (kunais).
A fearless scream of anger in the horizon called the two armies’ attention.
A horde of Vikings screamed in anger wielding their battle axes and hammers running to their two rivals in a frenzy of blood and murder, the infamous berserker state.
In the Castle’s balcony Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“This is not in the history books but I love it”
Spike nodded proud of himself and made appear a bowl of jewels to enjoy the show.
In the meantime from inside the Everfree Forest, Boudika the Britans Queen observed the three enemies destroying each other waiting for her chance to drive them inside the forest where they could slaughter them without effort.
“Confusion is a double edge weapon. We must wait until they come to us, we cannot win in the open field”
Her army grinded their teeth in agreement thinking.
When suddenly one of them fell unconscious.
“What?” Asked Boudika.
One of the soldiers examined the body, noticing a small dart made with a spike of some unknown plant. Another one and another one fell under the same attack. The Britans were looking all over for their attackers when they notice them in the branches of the biggest trees.
They were considerably smaller than them but seemed pretty agile and strong, painted with natural pigments as the Britans but the new ones used more tropical colors. The leaders were easily recognizable by the jaguar skins they wore as a cape and the crown of feathers of tropical birds; armed with spears and knives made of volcanic crystal, obsidian.
The Mayans had joined the battle.
Without a sound they fell over the Britans and began the battle of the two forest/jungle armies.
The scandal in the forest called the previous armies’ attention so they joined as well.
This was the mother of all battles.
Knowing they were at disadvantage the legionaries played the retirement with their trumpets and tried to leave in order but they fell in the traps the ninjas, Mayans, Britans and Vikings prepared for them.
“Isn’t this dangerous?” Asked Twilight.
“No Twi, they’re made out of past, we haven’t happened to them yet so they don’t see us nor feel us. An extra measure I took this time”
“Good, you need to be more careful with what you do Spike”
“You know they won’t leave until you do something, right?” Questioned Sweetie Belle.
“I know, but this is really fun to watch!”
All over the world both hypothetical and real battles were taking place and everypony was excited and even making bets of who would win and also allowing some interesting episodes here and there.
In the Crystal Empire Blue Blood woke up with a huge headache and the noise wasn’t really helping him, after all he had to stay the night because of all he drank last night.
“Damn it, damn aunty Celestia and her damn sun… in times like these eternal night doesn’t sound too bad. Ey guys, can you lower the volume, my head is killing me” he complained when he saw his friends Cadence and Shining.
“We’re not doing the noise, look” explained Cadence waiving a hoof to the window.
Blue Blood obeyed and almost faint because of the direct sunlight (and the impression).
The legendary army of Pegasopolis under Commander Hurricane’s order were having a one by one battle against Queen Hiponyta from the Amazons and her tribe of mares.
And to make things worst blood began to rain when a flying boat appeared in the sky.
“What now?” Asked Shining.
The boat positioned in the center of the Empire blocking the sun.
“Thank god” sighed Blue.
Cadence and Shining better ignored him and witnessed how beautiful unicorn mares jumped from it graciously wielding enormous spears or long swords and wearing winged helmets and silver armors. They all had gorgeous blond manes fixed in braids that moved with the wind. Blue Blood’s and Shining’s jaw dropped.
“Am I in heaven?” Asked Shining.
“Valkyries! Take me, I’m ready for Valhala!” Exclaimed Blue.
In the battlefield amazons and Pegasus shouted in response to the new challengers and attacked with all they had and of course the Valkyrie maidens responded with some of their own.
“Now I can die in peace” sighed Blue Blood again.
Shining chuckled.
“So all you said about Rarity Belle was just drunk talk?”
“Well she’s so special and… wait, did I said something?”
“Dude you were completely stoned! Now keep it quiet, I want to take a closer look of the new comers. Go girls, go Valhala, go Valhala!”
Cadence pouted but soon enough she had a brilliant idea and turned Shining back into Gleaming Shield.
“Ey!” Complained Gleaming.
“Oh, sorry darling, I saw you so concentrated in the Valkyries, in their combat skills obviously, so I thought it would help you to have a closer understanding of their abilities”
Gleaming blushed.
“I get it, sorry I was watching other girls. Now, can you forgive me and turn me back?”
“Of course I forgive you darling, but this spell is a course and the only way to take it off is to have an adventure with a boy until the end. Don’t worry, I’ll turn myself into Bolero and I’ll gladly free my maiden from this”
Gleaming blushed even more, of course she deserved it. Then she turned to her friend to ask him something when noticed he just ran away.
“Go to Tartarus damn coward”
“Don’t worry about him dear, now, why don’t we go to bed and have some girl-on-girl action? I’ll turn you back at night”
Moving on to Canterlot general Ponysseus’s ponies just finished his statue of a human and commanded his forces to get inside, he was ready.
And in the Palace:
“Your Majesties, somepony presented a giant statue of a human out in the limits of the city with a note is a gift of good will. Shall we accept it?”
Luna face-hoofed.
“No idiot, it’s the same stupid trap that made Equestroy fall”
Master Sword, wielder of the legendary weapons that destroys evil nodded ashamed of himself. But then two ponies entered to the throne room making Luna and Celestia almost faint of the impression and fear.
He was a dark blue Pegasus who looked exactly like Luna but he was much more muscular, his Cutie Mark was a black cloud with a red lighting coming from it and his face seemed creepily sadistic and calculating.
She was a snow white unicorn who looked exactly like Celestia. The only differences between them was that her Cutie Mark was an axe covered in fire; also showing a sadistic blood-thirsty smile.
“Mother… father…” gulped Celestia trembling.
The white mare made a small nod.
“Celly, Lulu is good to see you. Now, accept the gift from the Ponyirmidons, and between your father and I will show them what a real pony warrior is made of. They’ll pray for death in the matter of seconds”
“And since we’re so good ponies, we’ll grant their wish”
They laughed evilly much for their daughters’ horror.
Of course they loved their parents but also knew they were monsters. For example the reason why Chrysalis hated ponies was because those two killed her mother in front of her and forced the young changeling to dig the grave and another for herself. White Nightmare and Dark Moon supposedly were destroyed by King Flames, why they were back?
But suddenly the doors of the throne room opened again letting pass a pony in a karate suit with a black belt and a famous griffin actor who kind of looked like a chicken.
The yudo master turned to White Nightmare and showed her an Enchanted Board he carried:
“You must play PSEGA Saturn!”
“What now?” Asked the old general.
Before anypony could react, he took White Nightmare and yudo-threw her to the other side of the room. The fall was so strong that she literally exploded.
“You must play PSEGA Saturn!”
Nopony say a thing, seriously what the heck?
And then White Nightmare stood up with a murderous look on her eyes.
“You’re dead, so fucking dead!”
But then she exploded again.
Still she recovered and ran to Psegata Sanshiro who received her starting a fight between two top warriors.
The gryphon who looked like a chicken stared the fighters for a while and turned to Dark Moon taking from who knows where a piece of coal and pressing it into his claw.
Then he showed him the recently created diamond.
“With one claw I can crush coal into a diamond”
“You better make this worth it” said Dark Moon nodding in approval.
So they began to fight as well making the whole Palace shake because of the brutality of both fights.
Luna and Celestia had a sweat-drop on their temples.
“What the fuck are we watching?”
The rest of the Solar Guard arrived with the Lunar Guard; and as the rest of the ponies, they froze watching the strange battle before them.
But then Black Swordsman couldn’t help but smile in delight recognizing one of the challengers.
“It can’t be! Lighting, do you see that? The warriors from ancient times return and the lonely pony who dedicated his soul to gaming today returns to punish those who doesn’t play seriously”
Lighting Flash laughed when she understood.
“Apparently the doppelganger of Princess Celestia didn’t played until her hooves bleed”
“You know what is going on here?” Asked Luna.
“Kind of, you know we’re warriors Princess but first of all we’re gamers and there’s none of us who doesn’t have Psegata Sanshiro in our heart”
“And what about the one fighting our father?” Asked Celestia.
Solar sub-captain Hylian Shield looked horrified to the Princess.
“WHAT? Haven’t you heard about Chick Norris? His roundhouse kicks are just legendary. You know scientist stablished the energy equivalent to create a new Big Bang is a CNRK? Chick Norris’ roundhouse kick”
Precisely at that time Dark Moon was sent several meters through the roof with precisely a CNRK he received right in the face.
“I heard another rumor, that he was bitten by a King Cobra!” Exclaimed Long Shot.
“And?”
“After five days of agonizing pain the cobra died”
“He also invented the spoon” added Fairies Bow.
“Wait, what?”
“It was too easy kill with a knife”
“He already died but Dead itself fears him so he kept going”
And kept going with the stupid jokes.
Celestia sighed, where else were ponies having this ridiculous scenes? Well, everywhere as I already said.
The day kept going so as the battles but sooner or later the Bearers had to stop them so Twilight commanded:
“It was fun but I think we finish this now. Let’s go for the Rainbow Powers!”
The girls nodded and ran to the Chest but Pinkie suddenly stopped and turned to the Lord of Chaos.
“I know that smile Spike, this is a special one, right?”
Spike nodded and gave them a history book.
“Exactly, they came from the books so they must return to them. It’ll be a little long but you know the deal, we’re not supposed to make things easy for you” explained Sweetie.
The Mane 6 made an exasperated groan but at least they had the key to stop this one.
But Twilight wasn’t worried, for emergencies like this she created a radio system to communicate everywhere how to stop Spike’s especial pranks (she made it after the tomato attack). It was time to make history go back to history.
In Canterlot Palace the news arrived at the right time: Dark Moon reunited several black clouds creating a giant storm-cloud he hyper-charged with electricity.
“Good bye Chick Norris!” Shouted the Pegasus.
And he released a powerful beam right to the legendary gryphon who looked like a chicken leaving just a crater behind.
“And never come back mother f#ck$r!!”
Inside the crater Chick Norris revived himself with a beer shower and jumped away the crater.
Dark Moon grinded his teeth and faced the gryphon.
“You’re starting to annoy me birdie!”
And advanced slowly to his rival, when he was stopped by Lens of Truth.
“Wait, please wait Mr. Dark Moon!”
“Stay out my way”
“Just wait, I want his autograph before you kill him” said the soldier presenting Chick Norris the ‘Official Chick Norris Facts Book’.
The gryphon who looked like a chicken granted his wish and approached with a pen.
But as soon as he touched the book he was sucked into it.
“Not fair!” Complained Hylian waiting for his own autograph as well.
The general nodded.
“Kid, you’ve done a great service to the Pony Empire. From now on I name you lieutenant”
In the meantime Black Swordsman and Lighting Flash took a chance to approach Psegata Sanshiro after he threw White Nightmare for fifth time.
“Mr. Sanshiro!”
“Nani? PSEGA-Saturn Shiro!”
“Precisely, we’ve been teaching our daughter the path of extreme gaming since she was born but she needs a stronger influence to become the gamer we want her to be”
Psegata seemed genuinely interested.
“That’s the path I always promoted. What can I do for you?”
“Can you sign our copies of your comics please? You’re our hero!” Smiled Lighting Flash.
“And they we promise you we’ll go straight to play our PSEGA-Saturn”
Sanshiro smiled and signed, but again he was sucked into the comic vanishing from reality.
“Ey, what now?”
White Nightmare recovered from the last attack and approached to the Lunar Guards.
“Finally! Kids, congratulations, this guy was a pain in the ass. As a reward…”
Sinon, the Cold-Hearted Sniper (the one who received Twilight’s message) threw the white unicorn a book she found in the castle’s library. The historical character disappeared into it immediately much for Dark Moon’s anger.
“What you’ve done? GIVE ME BACK MY WIFE!”
“With pleasure” said Sinon throwing a second book to him vanishing the Pegasus as well.
Luna raised an eyebrow.
“Sinon, how did you defeated my parents? Is not that I distrust your abilities… but dad’s hobby was to rip off dragons’ heads with his bare hooves… and mom’s magic skills are beyond imagination”
Sinon shrugged.
“I got a message from Princess Sparkle, she said those things came out of books so we must return them to it. Or you wanted to spend more time with your parents?”
Celestia shook her head.
“No thanks. Even if it was an illusion, (Spike’s illusion) well, I love mom and dad and this whole thing was funny… but they also terrify me”
Luna shivered.
“Tell me about it sister. However, let’s make history back to history”
“Even if it was a stupid joke I did enjoyed the battle”
Stats
Page generated in 0.028 seconds
Total duration
962 users online
29,873 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
there are many references to this chapter due to plenty of games and tv series.........etc.
the first five below are the games
1) genghis khan II game (the mongols led by genghis khan)
2) age of empires game series
3) seven kingdoms game (the original one not the sequel)
4) romance of the three kingdoms game series
5) nobunaga's ambition game series (this one is talking about nobunaga, toyotomi hideyoshi and tokugawa ieyasu.)
.......etc.
Not enough Chick Norris Jokes here.
WE WANT PEEWEE!!!!!!
Chuck Norris is so great, he exists in multiple dimensions.
Wtf spike not evil dude
Hylian Shield
Lol
You've made my year with this I was laughing so hard my head hurts
You are wrong! The greatest battle would've be: Ninjas Vs Pirates
Kinky stuff here.